by Lori Deschene

It’s just not that simple. That’s what I thought when someone first told me happiness is a choice.

But there’s so much more to it, I thought. There’s all the stuff I’d like to accomplish, but just can’t seem to get done. There are all the things I’d like to learn, and places I’d like to go. There are all the people I want to know–people I want to impress and please.

Those ideas inspired this series on happiness, starting with a post about dwelling on the past and worrying about the future; next tackling ways to be happy, even though things aren’t perfect now; and most recently addressing the different ways we let other people compromise our joy.

Today’s post is the second in a series about other people. In the first, I mentioned two ways you might let them dictate your happiness: by blaming others for everything that’s wrong with your life, or by overextending yourself trying to make everyone else happy.

You may also challenge your happiness by:

Comparing Yourself to Other People

Faces

“We’re the same age but he’s a CEO—and I’m just a salesman.”

“I’m not as outgoing as she is. She has more connections, so she’ll go further in life.”

“I wish I had a house like his. It’s hard to be happy when you live in a shoebox.”

No matter what you attain, it’s not enough. Someone else has more. No matter what you achieve, you feel dissatisfied. Other people have done better. It’s painful to walk around competing with everyone, feeling a constant sense of disappointment in yourself. Comparing yourself to others is a losing battle because it’s a habit you likely won’t break, even once you achieve what you think you need to be happy.

What to Do About It:

1. Realize everyone has to deal with judgment. Oftentimes when you compare yourself to others, you’re focused on how it looks to other people. The successful guy looks more impressive. Or the attractive woman looks more desirable. Everyone has to deal with judgment on some level. That successful guy may walk around thinking the world thinks he’s selfish. No one’s life looks perfect.

2. Rethink the idea of “better.” It never feels good to think someone’s better than you. But really, it’s not that black and white. It’s not a clear hierarchy from failure to success. We all have our own definition of success and happiness. If you’re doing what you enjoy and living by your own code, you have every reason to be proud of yourself. The only better you need to be is better than your yesterday.

3. Focus on your own journey. Do you even want to be a CEO? Do you like being the center of attention? Usually when we envy other people it’s because we’re not happy with ourselves—not because we want what they have. What do you really want? How can you start working toward it today? When you take a small step toward being who you want to be you feel less dissatisfied with your life.

Cutting Yourself off from Other People


“I’m not someone who needs people. I do just fine on my own.”

“Thanks for the invite, but I have to…shampoo my hair. And catch up on The Office.”

“I won’t know anyone there so I think I’ll pass. We’ll catch up some other time.”

You don’t let people in easily. People know you, but very few people know you—your dreams, your passions, your obsession with The Smurfs (or insert other quirky you-ism—we all have them.) Most people in your life feel like acquaintances or strangers. You suspect deeper relationships could make everything more fulfilling. But it’s scary opening up. You’re not even sure where to begin–or how.

What to Do About It:

1. Identify the cause of your disconnection. This is obviously more complex that a few sentences can summarize, but it’s a crucial first step. If you’re aware your loner mentality leaves you feeling like an outsider watching life happen to other people, the first step is to figure out why you’ve created this situation. What are you afraid of? What are you hiding from? Or what is it you’re hiding from other people? What makes you say no when someone tries to open up your world?

2. Weigh the pros and cons of separation. Oftentimes, people isolate themselves because it feels safe. When it’s just you, there’s less uncertainty, and less potential for discomfort. On the flip side, when you shut people out, you: miss out on relationships that could add a new layer of meaning to your life; limit your possibilities for new opportunities; and increase the chances of over-thinking and feeling bad.

3. Open up slowly. You don’t have to become everyone’s best friend. You just need to entertain the possibility of new connections, even if it’s just one. Un-strange a stranger. Let your guard down just a little and take the risk of being seen. It’s a scary thing because you can’t control someone else’s perceptions. But you don’t need to. I’ve learned it’s OK if some people don’t get me. Every time you open yourself up you reaffirm that you’re happy with who you are–whether everyone else is or not.

Whether you want other people to solve your problems, you want everyone to like you, you want to ensure no one’s better than you, or you want to protect yourself so no one can hurt you, the bottom line is this: real happiness is something we have to find within ourselves.

And then hold onto as best we can when people seem unpredictable.

Because they’ll always be. And so are we. The only thing that’s certain is that we’re in control of ourselves. Happiness is a choice.

Photos by Anna Gay and makarand06.