“The greatest obstacle to connecting with our joy is resentment.” ~Pema Chodron
It happened today. Two minutes after announcing I was on lunch my coworker failed to pick up a call, letting it roll to my line. I angrily picked up the receiver and hustled through the call as fast as I could.
As soon as the call ended, my coworker apologized, and in a voice that almost fooled me as well, I answered, “That’s okay!”
It wasn’t okay. It upset me. I would really appreciate it if it didn’t happen again in the future.
These are all clear indications that it’s time to establish clearer boundaries.
Throughout my life, I’ve had the opportunity to explore healthy and unhealthy forms of confrontation.
At best, a confrontation addresses specific behaviors, one at a time, and does not involve attacking the person’s character, in an environment that is comfortable for all parties. A worst-case scenario involves flat out berating someone, or a sudden attack after frustration after frustration has boiled you over the edge.
I’ve gone both routes, and I can tell you the better prepared everyone is the better the conversation will go.
Oftentimes, I find we avoid direct conflict management at all costs. Our first route is usually to find someone who knows those involved and complain. Sometimes this is called venting, but be aware that venting can easily turn into gossiping.
Sometimes there is a person smack dab in the middle of the conflict, and she usually gets to hear both sides and mediate, never actually bringing the two of you together. This usually doesn’t help the situation. Your friend will become exhausted and overwhelmed and start to think you’re both being ridiculous.
This kind of proxy communication often puts the middleman in a position vulnerable to breaching confidentiality. If anything, it will only prolong and fuel the conflict.
If we don’t talk to someone who knows the other party, we are probably talking to someone who doesn’t. Be careful, these people are usually listening for their own entertainment and will do little to help you resolve the situation. There are people who will genuinely listen and try to help. Just make sure your listener is one of these people.
Even when you find someone genuine to listen, he may soon grow impatient and be able to recite your own accusations for you. Because he doesn’t know who you’re mad at personally, he may soon realize his own lack of ability to resolve the situation as an outsider or may feel uncomfortable judging someone he doesn’t know. Now there’s one person left to speak with: The person who upset you!
Confrontation and boundary setting take planning, consideration, and courage.
The best advice my father’s ever given me is to write out what you want to say before you say it if you think your emotions will blur your true intentions. The best advice my mother’s ever given me is that we teach people how to treat us. I think both can be effective insights for conflict management. They have influenced my personal set of guidelines for effective confrontations:
1. Never attack the person’s background, personality, or parents when confronting someone.
Not only will this be extremely hurtful, it will distract you both from the true issue. This is actually a logical fallacy called “Ad hominen” in the academia of law; telling Susie because she rear-ended you with her child in the car she must be a bad mother is not only rude, it’s illogical.
2. Address each behavior or event separately.
Listing all the ways someone has let you down will overwhelm them and feel like an attack. Try by starting with what has upset you the most. You may find that the smaller details don’t need to be addressed or somehow tie in to the main upset.
3. If you are able, try to think where your friend may say you failed.
Having this wisdom going in will keep you from looking like a jerk when you vehemently deny your own shortcomings because you’re shocked that he has the audacity to actually be mad at you!
4. Use feeling talk.
“I felt very hurt when you said you were glad she cheated on me.” As opposed to: “For the record, you said you were happy she cheated on me, and that makes you a jerk!” The wisdom behind this is: 1) No one has the right to challenge the way you feel, and 2) By owning your feelings you keep the focus on your needs and away from attacking them.
5. Know that when it’s over, it’s over.
A mutual agreement must be made at the end of every attempt at conflict resolution. Either you decide to go your separate ways or you will devise a new set of conditions for your friendship, also known as boundaries.
You and your friend may have different viewpoints as to where to go from here, and that’s okay. What’s important is to respect each other’s newfound boundaries.
Down the road, chances are you and your friend will both feel a little differently about the situation. If this is the case, it may be worthwhile to revisit your feelings together, but only if you both feel safe and willing to do so. In all other cases, it is best to avoid bringing the issue to light over and over again.
My guidelines have not only been influenced by my parents, but also by my personal experience with breaking each of these rules. Most likely, you won’t fight fairly every time you argue with someone. However, I’ve found that using the tips above creates a better experience in a conflicted world for everyone.
About Jennifer Geinosky
Jennifer Geinosky is an aspiring author, lifelong student, and brand new blogger bringing her thoughts to light on her website: This Much I Know is True: A Place for my Thoughts.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.