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5 Steps to Let Go of Anger for a Happier Life

Reflecting

“We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.” ~Albert Einstein

Hi. My name is Alden, and I’m an angry guy. I’m 26 years old.

Anger has always been an issue for me. I hate the feeling of being angry, especially for no particular reason.

It feels like it’s eating me up from the inside out.

It can get so bad sometimes that I can get pissed off while I’m alone in my room, just blogging or surfing the net, whenever a negative thought passes through my head.

Anger makes me feel upset with myself. I wonder why that I, a grown adult, still have to deal with issues that have been around since my high school days.

Am I still as immature as I was then? Why is it so hard to let go?

Some Angry Milestones

These are some of the events that made me angry with life:

My dad passed away when I was 20—from an incurable disease. Someone I grew up with was taken away suddenly. I still feel pissed with the world.

An ex-girlfriend cheated on me—with a guy with a bad reputation. It felt like an insult to me.

A friend who I was very close with betrayed me. He accused me of something he messed up himself. Years of friendship went down the drain. I never felt such disgust for a single person before.

I got punched in the eye once—by this guy in a club. I won’t go into it, but I didn’t think I did anything wrong.

These are only the major events of my life. I also get angry with other things in life, like a late bus or rude people.

Anger has been always one of my greatest challenges. Sometimes it feels like I need to get it all out, once and for all, but I don’t want to end up like some people who act rashly, by getting into fights, for example.

If you’re reading this, you might be like me. You’re very aware of a problem you have and you want a way out of it.

I’m sharing this now because I’ve worked on it for a long time and I hope it can help you do the same.

I can’t say I have it all under perfect control, but I’ve learned a few ways to tame that angry monster inside:

1. Replace a negative thought with an awesome one.

More often than not, it’s a negative thought derived from a bad memory that makes me upset, instantly.

As stated, this is where you should replace the bad thought with an awesome thought.

Don’t even approach the bad thought.

Don’t try to rationalize it.

Don’t even think about it.

The way I see it, any of the above is a passive reaction to the negative thought, hence making you feel the negative feelings that follow, which isn’t helping you at all.

So, replace the negative thought on the spot.

Just think of something you like. It could be a fond memory in the past or something you really want in the future.

I personally like to go crazy with my imagination and come up with amazing scenarios, like when I’m listening to a song I like, I imagine myself singing it in my own music video.

Sometimes distraction is a good approach, if it’s something you’ve already dealt with but keep rehashing in your head. Watch TV, listen to music, read something, or just go out. It helps.

2. Let it all out in cliché manners.

You know something?

The clichés work.

Every tip you can find in blogs, magazines, or the newspaper work.

You just have to apply yourself and try it out.

Screaming onto your pillow actually makes you feel like you released a ton of emotions that are trying to get out.

Writing an angry letter to the person you bear a grudge against allows you to clearly articulate your feelings. Just make sure you don’t send it.

Exercising really helps with anger too. Sweating it out and letting the adrenaline take over your body can clear just about anything.

I know how it is when you feel angry and then listen to advice that you doubt will help your situation. It feels like nobody out there can fully empathize with how you feel, so who are they to talk, right?

I can empathize, and I promise that if you give it a shot, you’ll be surprised with the results.

3. Surround yourself with positive people.

Anger is a personal issue for everyone.

But unfortunately, some people around you cannot fully understand what you go through.

I find that most people feel angry because of their surroundings.

You hang out with supposed friends who make condescending remarks at you, but you don’t think you should do anything about because you don’t want to come across as petty.

You have a really dysfunctional office environment, filled with shady colleagues and a controlling boss.

Do these things sound familiar to you?

The problem is, people think they are “stuck” or they absolutely “must” be with such people because of their circumstances.

I say otherwise.

Make the conscious effort to surround yourself with people you can look up to and talk to. It won’t always be easy—if you need to look for a new job, for example—but it’s worth the time and effort.

Our surroundings influence our mood in a major way. So instead of focusing solely on addressing your inner anger, also address the external factors that trigger it.

4. Make caring for yourself a priority.

I used to be a lot angrier before my dad’s passing.

Sounds contradictory? Continue reading.

You see, as I grew up, I always did the “right thing.”

I never talked back to people who insulted me to my face. I walked away from fights. I held back a lot of my emotions.

But as a result of doing all the “right” things, I went home feeling angry with myself.

When my father died, it just hit me there and then, “I did so much for people around me, and yet this still happened.”

My biggest takeaway from my father’s death was that you have to live life to the fullest, and sometimes, if not all the time, it’s okay to take care of yourself more than anything in this world.

I’ve fallen out with friends who kept insulting me.

I now actively make the choices that suit me, even if others disagree. (For example, I may not even go to a gathering when I know someone I dislike is there.)

I even quit my job to be a full-time blogger, much to the surprise of my friends.

Caring for myself more has allowed me to truly express myself and not hold back any longer. The anger has subsided a lot as I don’t have to look back and ask, “What if?”

Your life is your own. And life is short.

If you feel anger taking control, let it go by caring for yourself. Don’t be afraid to be yourself. It is by being yourself that you can fully realize the life you’re meant to live, and anger has no part in that.

5. Decide you don’t want to add to the hate in this world.

When I feel angry sometimes I have crazy ideas of seeking justice, of finding my wrongdoers and letting them have it once and for all.

But I don’t act on it because I don’t want to add on to the crap in this world.

Let it go, not just for a better future, but also because you’re a good person. And a good person isn’t angry most of the time. Instead, he sees beauty in the world and strives for a positive life, in which others around him can be inspired too.

Choose to let go of your anger so you can be that person.

There are many other positive emotions you can enjoy when you make the effort to let go of your anger.

Photo by andrewfhart

Avatar of Alden Tan

About Alden Tan

Alden Tan is a passionate writer and breakdancer. He writes about living a life of freedom and he's good at giving people the courage and inspiration to start living the life they want! His new free report, Revive Your Life just does that, waking you up from the trance to gain passion for life.

Announcement: Wish you could change your past? Learn to let go and create a life you love with the Tiny Buddha course!
  • miriamkubicek

    Aldan, these are all good ways to let go of anger.  Anger can actually be GOOD if it gives you energy to change things.  I can see you are thinking of who you might be if you weren’t angry….lots of possibilities!

    I’ve found two other ways to release anger.  One is meditation which seems to disappear anger over time.  For a quick fix, EFT tapping will take off the edge.  I do it with people all the time when they are in a rage and need to be “talked down.”  

  • Rose

    Brilliant post!  This has granted a tonne of perspective for me. Thank you

  • ChiropracticCoaches

    I do agree on this post. We have to let go of our anger on move on. No can succeed in life that has anger on his/her heart. Very well written. Where did you get the photo that you used for these article? Looks good. 

  • http://www.facebook.com/Bboyalden Alden Tan

    Thanks Miriam,

    I’ve started meditating too! I use binaural beats. You heard of’em? When I started out I thought it was about gaining insights to help with my emotions, but someone else taught me it’s about finding your personal zone and space, emptying your mind to allow insights to flow in.

    I’ve heard of EFT too. Saw some videos, but I wonder how it really works?

  • http://www.facebook.com/Bboyalden Alden Tan

    I’m glad Rose, I’m glad. What kind of perspective did you learn? 

  • Zivana

    Hi alden, i enjoyed the openess of your sharing. We recently had a round of retrenchments at our office. Whist i understand the economics, it surprised me how much anger i still felt thru it. It was a great reminder about the individual power we have of making our own choices. sometimes anger events are a great reminder of that.

  • http://twitter.com/longzero Long Nguyen

    When I saw the title, I knew I was going to disagree with this entire post for one simple reason: anger is one of the best thing in my life.

    Your suggestion to replace a negative thought with an awesome one shows the usefulness of anger. Without anger, the process of finding an awesome thought would never take place. You would never think of something awesome, you would never let your imagination go crazy, you would never actively think of something positive.

    Your number two is all about making anger useful. Imagine what that angry letter could do. It could trigger a response from the recipient who thinks about it and readjusts whatever you are angry about and makes things better which is a desirable outcome. Or it can backfire and the one who receives your letter feels angry because he feels like your anger is completely unjustified, so all you’ve really done is spread anger which goes in contradiction with your number five.

    Positive people are fun people, but often, you want more, you want to see the whole picture to have a better view more point of views. Besides, what makes someone a positive or negative person? Your boss needs to be controlling, that is his job. You might come but maybe he’s awesome why his wife at home and his kids love him.

    All I will say about number four is that I guarantee you would not have gone through all that if anger wasn’t part of your life. Anger led you in that direction.

    It’s not because a person is angry that he can’t see beauty in the world. It’s not because a person is angry that he can’t do great things for others. I know this from personal experience and personal anger. Your idea of letting wrongdoers have it is filled with negative action and thoughts of revenge, and I get that from the title of your last point: “add to the hate in this world”. You just have to get creative and listen to Abraham Lincoln: “I destroy my enemies when I make them my friends.”

    Anger is a productive tool and a strong motivator. Anger is great and useful, it’s as great and useful as happiness, sadness, love, fear, etc. Anger led you to write all of this. You may not have been angry at the moment you wrote all this but it does come from your life experience.

    All emotions are useful. All emotions can make you happy, but happy is just part of “all emotions” and you can’t live if a single one is missing.

  • http://www.facebook.com/Bboyalden Alden Tan

    Yeah, but this is just little guide for people who aren’t as sophisticated as you are, yet. 

  • miriamkubicek

    I started starting an imaginary spot!  Sometimes I turn on Onharmonics but, yes, it’s about your private space for relaxation, healing and oneness with everyone in the universe. 

    EFT works for me.  I wrote about it on my blog.  If we’re allowed to post links, here is the article. http://happierthanever.com/eft-tapping-and-happiness/

  • Kmarielane

    Hi there! I enjoyed reading your post. Thank you for being so open. :)

    I know of someone who used rapid resolution therapy to help with anger and it had amazing results. It basically retrains the brain’s responses. We have default emotions and it depends on our experiences what our default emotions are…I usual emotion is happiness (and looking at the positive b/c that’s te only emotion my parents were comfortable with…still dysfunctional but it turned out pretty good for me. :)

  • http://twitter.com/longzero Long Nguyen

    I just noticed you’re from Singapore and a bboy! How’s the scene like over there?

  • Sabine

    I enjoyed this entry. It is so true and so simple yet so many people choose to live in the negativity and the anger. It hurts them more then anything. I am done being around negative people, it affects me too much. Life is too short, surround yourself with positivity and happiness!

  • J Krewinkel

    Hey there,

    I believe you are kind of focusing on the wrong things.

    Your anger is a byproduct- a effect- of your experience of life as it has been so far and you are very strongly trying to fight the effect instead of going after the root cause. By making anger (and thus an effect and not a cause) the main obstacle the overcome you are basically feeding it into a spiral.

    Your anger is very much linked to your attitude (which you cannot change by simple exercises, an attitude is gained through personal experience and understanding by life-changing events (or periods) ).

    For example, you talk about your past but you act very REACTIVE towards life instead of PROACTIVE. You cling very much to your story:

    You say ‘there are several things that have caused me to be this way’  (blaming outside circumstance for the person you are), then you talk about your father passing away (I am very sorry to hear this and I can really understand where you are coming from). But then you start talking about how an ex-gf cheated on you with someone with a bad reputation, you even added how it felt like an insult to you: even after all these years you still feel the need to mention how the guy had a bad reputation and how hurt you felt.

    Afterwards you talked about your close friend and again you typed ‘he accused me of something he did himself’, not taking any responsibility for it but instead reacting to the circumstance and using it as a ‘see- this is why I am not calm!’. You then added ‘years of friendship down the drain’ and ‘never felt such disgust’, even after all these years you still carry the anger from that situation with you as well.
    Then you mention how you got punched in the eye ‘but you didn’t think you did anything wrong’. Again not something that absolutely needs to be mentioned, but something that does tell your character.You say how you did ‘all the rights things’ but life still didn’t treat you the way you expected to be treated. This all kind of feeds into that stereotypical little boy that cries when things are not going his way, because deep down inside he doesn’t feel validated or secure.I believe that anger stems from insecurity and I think that ‘curing’ anger (or atleast limiting anger) is not something someone should persue, but instead someone should pursue constantly doing the things he’s afraid of and afraid to do, because this will build confidence. And a confident person has no reason to be angry because he doesn’t feel the need to defend anything because he’s not afraid of losing something.

    You are kind of feeding into this spiral by saying how ‘a good person shouldn’t feel angry’ and by talking about ‘the effort of letting go of the anger’. Instead I think you should ask yourself, where do I feel afraid?Think about it for a moment: why are people angry? Anger is a healthy emotion that deeply ties with insecurity (have you ever felt angry when you were confident in yourself and knew that everything was going to work out alright?). Anger is something that we humans use to mask our vulnerability and to get us away from our vulnerability because our vulnerability scares us.Almost all anger is about fear of losing. You might experience a fear of dieing alone, or not being validated for the man you are (such as how you might feel your manhood is threatened by cheating girlfriends or guys hitting you)

    Please don’t feel as if I am insulting you in any way. I greatly respect you for writing this piece and being as honest. I just believe that we sometimes could greatly benefit from an outside opinion on the person that we are and I believe myself to be knowledgeable on the subject.I hope this lengthy wall of text serves you or anyone else reading this!
    Have a great day!

  • haller

    Great article. Thanks. Im sure this will help me.

  • http://www.facebook.com/Bboyalden Alden Tan

    Hey man,

    It’s pretty good! Small and tight community with many unique Bboys with their own style. 

    I hope to travel out and meet more Bboys of different cultures man. 

  • http://www.facebook.com/Bboyalden Alden Tan

    Hey Kmarielane,

    I never heard of that before. I’ll check it out!

    Thanks for sharing! 

  • http://www.facebook.com/Bboyalden Alden Tan

    Thanks Zivana.

    Individual power indeed, but sometimes the events around us can be overwhelming. 

    But still, I believe it’s up to us and within us to control anger. 

  • http://www.facebook.com/Bboyalden Alden Tan

    Hey J!

    Thanks for the feedback and comments, I greatly appreciate it and know where you’re coming from. Nah, no insults whatsoever, I certainly don’t see it that way.

    I definitely know where you’re coming from. Anger is a deep issue for me right now and I’m still dealing with it.

    I guess this article is a “superficial” one, in the sense of what level it is on. Maybe I’m still gearing up for realizing who I truly am deep down, but right now, what I wrote out is simply a way of helping me cope.

    I definitely been making heaps of progress though, especially through blogging. Reading your comment was enlightening on its own and I know I will benefit from it. 

    I love how you linked confidence to anger. I think I understand that because with regards to other issues, I see my peers being angry (some excessively) over them and I’m totally okay with it! That got me thinking a lot, like why is I can get upset over things which don’t affect others or vice versa?

    Thanks for sharing again. 

  • http://www.facebook.com/Bboyalden Alden Tan

    Thanks for dropping by Sabine!

    Glad you’re aware of that issue in your life. Go for it :) 

  • http://www.facebook.com/midkay Zakk Roberts

    Hi Long, I’m wondering if you read this post through a lens of not wanting to like it, or simply very cursorily. The author explicitly said not to send the angry letter — it’s just a personal exercise. They also expressly said not to ‘let wrongdoers have it’ — point #5 explains why.

    I just don’t think you two are actually in disagreement. I like your point about the helpfulness of anger. The author seems to appreciate its power too. The difference in your outlook seems mostly semantic to me.

  • miriamkubicek

    In fact, one of the benefits of EFT is taking the painful emotion – anger – drilling down where it came from and then channeling it into something productive.  “They mistreated me and I am an angry victim” becomes “I deserve to be treated well and will bring people into my life that do.”  I wrote it about it on my blog here: http://happierthanever.com/eft-tapping-and-happiness/

  • Anonymous

    Thank you for this. I deal with feeling angry everyday and I don’t understand why. I am healthy, I have good friends, good family, good job, etc. But I don’t feel like I am “me”…whoever the “me” is supposed to be.  And I know that things in the past still fuel my anger…family issues, ex-boyfriend that cheated on me and lied to me, etc. and often I think I’m past it but it still resides within me. This was also a reminder that by being in the job I am currently, although super successful, it is stressful and makes me unhappy and just fuels my anger. I’m currently in a transition and ready to give it all up…struggling to deal with what my parents and friends will say…and trying to get past it.

  • http://blog.changeanything.com/ Robert Bodily

    Thanks for the inspiring post!  I don’t really have anger management issues, but I have a lot of other things in my life that I need to work on, and I think these 5 tips will work on anything that you need to fix.  I especially love the advice to think awesome thoughts and care for yourself first.  I say “first” because I feel like we should care for ourselves so that we can be in a position to help those around us, i.e. If we are angry at someone we aren’t going to be sensitive to their needs and we won’t be in a position where we can help them.  Thanks for the great tips!

  • http://twitter.com/AlannahRose Alannah Rose

    Anger is often just hiding pain.  If you are feeling angry every day then there is likely some strong emotion behind it that isn’t being recognized.  I found for myself that anger was an easy “go-to” emotion which I would feel immediately whenever something bad happened, but if I dug deeper, it was just masking the sadness or hurt I was really feeling.  It took me a long time to work through and deal with things in my past but once I did, I was able to let go of a lot of that anger. 

    Best to you – I hope things will get easier for you. XO

  • http://www.facebook.com/Bboyalden Alden Tan

    Hey man,

    I know how you feel. Well, what do you think triggers the anger and the stress? For me it’s usually negative thoughts, or maybe even one single negative thought. So a short-term solution for me would be to replace them with positive ones.

    Do read the other comments, their insights can help :)

  • http://www.facebook.com/Bboyalden Alden Tan

    Hey Robert thanks for dropping by!

    I’m glad it helped. Great insight too on the “first” part! 

  • http://www.facebook.com/Bboyalden Alden Tan

    Thanks Haller! 

  • http://twitter.com/deonnekahler Deonne Kahler

    Useful tips on dealing with anger! For me it’s always a combo approach: Let the anger flow through me, out my mouth, into the pillow (ha), wherever. Just feel it and release it. Then if I’m still hanging onto it – distract myself and every time it comes up again, redirect to a positive (or at least neutral) thought. I must be doing something right, since I don’t get angry that often anymore : ).

  • David_L_Q

    This is a great post. An appreciated post as I am someone who learning to handle and deal with my anger issues. I’m not completely there, but I have certainly gotten better. It took me losing my ex-girlfriend to realize I had some serious issues with anger. In order to deal with my pain, I said horrible things to her to try and make her feel how hurt I was. It made me feel horrible, and I knew that the pain went deeper than the end of our relationship. That situation caused me to do some deep thinking and reflecting, and I realized that I’ve always been an angry person, and that negative thoughts I would have would cause me to act and say irrational things. I knew I had to do something about it or I would probably continue on being this way in future relationships. This was a life changing moment, and I had to learn from it. It’s been a year and some change of pain, but with therapy, and this wonderful site I am learning to deal with my anger a lot better. It’s a continuous battle, and I falter at times…but rather than lash out immediately upon getting angry and spewing hurtful things, I sit and think things through. I realize that a majority of the time I am creating the negative thoughts in my head to try and rationalize my anger. I now realize that I am, and have usually been the source of my anger. It’s an everyday struggle, but I fight on. I wish everyone dealing with this issue peace and serenity.

  • http://www.mazzastick.com/blog-3/ Justin Mazza

    I just think being a male automatically qualifies one for being angry. It’s testosterone thing. It took me years to figure out that my anger was caused by prioritizing others needs above my own.

  • None

    i dont post on many articles. this is a really good article and you are very talented. You will go far as a blogger. Keep it up man, unbelievable, no joke. 

  • None

    sounds like you need to quit your job and find happiness, if you can afford it, weigh out the solutions. talk to a positive and a realistic friend or family member, spill your emotions out to her/him (girls are great at listening, not discriminating against men. some men are great at listening to problems.  im a guy) and see what they say.

  • None

    J very helpful post 

  • http://www.madlabpost.com/ Nicole/TheMadlabPost

    After studying Buddhism for a little while, I’ve started to realize that anger comes so easily and so often if we allow things to get to us and get us upset and bent out of shape. When we’re mindful of the present and willing to focus on the things that are in our control, anger is likely to subside. Now, if only I can get a handle on dealing with the things that are out of my control, I’d surely be a lot less angry, lol. 

    I like the Albert Einstein quote about problem solving, that accompanies this post….sorta reminds me of the good ol’ definition of insanity.

  • http://ryzeonline.com/ JasonFonceca

    You are 100% badass dude. And it kinda takes a badass to make a change, and shift past anger.

    And you might wanna check out Charlie Sheen’s latest show: “Anger Management” – it’s pretty funny ;)

     

  • http://ryzeonline.com/ JasonFonceca

     I agree with Sabine, Alden — it’s so true, and so simple :)

  • http://ryzeonline.com/ JasonFonceca

     I agree with Zakk (and Long), here.

    Anger IS useful, that’s why nature has evolved it.

    But LIVING in anger, remaining in anger, can feel pretty shitty and take awy from life experience, which I believe Alden is teaching about.

    As well, I think you two both agree, when it comes down to it :)

    Thanks for clarifying, Zakk!

  • http://ryzeonline.com/ JasonFonceca

     Justin! This is interesting…. are you suggesting women are less angry? Or that they show it differently? Or that they dont have hormones for anger?

    Can you explain more please?

  • http://www.facebook.com/Bboyalden Alden Tan

    Charlie Sheen? Sounds cool. I watched Adam Sandler’s one long ago and didn’t like it haha. 

  • http://www.facebook.com/Bboyalden Alden Tan

    That’s awesome Deonne. I love how you call it the combo approach. I’m glad you aren’t so angry anymore!

    For me, I’ve been meditating. And that helps! 

  • http://www.facebook.com/Bboyalden Alden Tan

    Interesting man! For real. Honestly when I read that, you made it seem like it’s a load off my chest, like “I’m male, so it’s okay”. Serious! Way better than trying to always figure things out and get frustrated.

    But on the real, male or female, I think there’s always a way out. 

  • http://www.facebook.com/Bboyalden Alden Tan

    Thanks so much man! I’m glad you enjoyed the article and I hope it helped you some way. 

  • http://www.facebook.com/Bboyalden Alden Tan

    Hey Nicole,

    Great insight! Staying in the present indeed. I used to think that was just some cheesy positive affirmation thingy (yeah). I’ve been working on myself a lot and I’m starting to learn what that really means. And I agree with you!

    Being mindful and staying present is a great way to be free. Or as how I put it sometimes, I just ask myself, “Why am I being pissed over things that don’t exist?”

    Because of mere thoughts. 

  • http://www.facebook.com/Bboyalden Alden Tan

    Thanks man! 

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001795989014 Olga Astakhova

    To Justin
    Mazza and JasonFonceca: Women are not less angry, absolutely. They have the
    same reasons, and sometimes even more, to be dissatisfied. But the ethical and
    cultural standards don’t allow them to express their anger as freely as men can
    do.

     

    Alden, you’ve
    highlighted one of the main problems of the youth, and this “anger” problem
    often accompanies people through the rest of their life, if they don’t know how
    to outgrow it. I was there and I remember this anger.

     

    I totally
    join J Krewinkel that anger roots in insecurity and fear, and I absolutely
    agree with Alannah Rose that anger is just masking other real feelings. Besides,
    looking upon it from the standpoint of my today age, I understand that we are
    often too serious about the affairs that  are not worth a thin dime. So, the best advice
    could be to follow your main principle, Alden: Stop caring about what other
    people think and start living. Thanks for reminding me how bad it could be if it
    would remain uncured.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001795989014 Olga Astakhova

    To Justin
    Mazza and JasonFonceca: Women are not less angry, absolutely. They have the
    same reasons, and sometimes even more, to be dissatisfied. But the ethical and
    cultural standards don’t allow them to express their anger as freely as men can
    do.

     

    Alden, you’ve
    highlighted one of the main problems of the youth, and this “anger” problem
    often accompanies people through the rest of their life, if they don’t know how
    to outgrow it. I was there and I remember this anger.

     

    I totally
    join J Krewinkel that anger roots in insecurity and fear, and I absolutely
    agree with Alannah Rose that anger is just masking other real feelings. Besides,
    looking upon it from the standpoint of my today age, I understand that we are
    often too serious about the affairs that  are not worth a thin dime. So, the best advice
    could be to follow your main principle, Alden: Stop caring about what other
    people think and start living. Thanks for reminding me how bad it could be if it
    would remain uncured.

  • http://www.facebook.com/Bboyalden Alden Tan

    Hey David,

    You know what? You being aware of your own issues is a HUGE first step, even if you don’t realize it. I know of people who obviously have problems, but they somehow decide to brush it aside or worse, justify their problems (which makes things a lot worse).

    Yeah the trigger for me are negative thoughts too. I recognized that and started working on it.

    Do drop me an email anytime if you wanna talk! 

  • http://www.facebook.com/Bboyalden Alden Tan

    Thanks so much Olga!

    I really appreciate your advice. I never thought I could gain so much insight from the comments here alone!

    I understand where you’re coming form when you said women aren’t allowed to freely express their anger as much as men. That’s kind of sad and definitely not something that should stand.

    Insecurity and fear indeed. 

    I was doing a lot reflection last time and guess what? Part of the anger came from the fear that I may lose in a fight (I never gotten into one before). I meditated and thought about it and talked to many others about it. 

    I am not brushing off my anger when I say this: That was kind of stupid. 

    I’ve let go a lot of it now. And I’m being more grateful for what I have and having the sense to actually not get violent! 

  • Jlareau123

    Hi Alden…I hear you. The more I fight anger, the powerful it becomes. So I try to let move through me and out. A great book to suggest that might interest you– Anger: A Message for Men by Keith Ashford. Really well done. Thanks for the post.
    Jonathan

  • ChiropracticConsultant

    I do agree on this post. We have to let go of our anger on move on. No can succeed in life that has anger on his/her heart. Very well written. Where did you get the photo that you used for these article? Looks good.  

  • http://www.facebook.com/liaoshixiong Liew Shi Xiong

    Alden, thanks for sharing. Good to see you here :)

  • http://www.facebook.com/liaoshixiong Liew Shi Xiong

    Alden, thanks for sharing. Good to see you here :)

  • http://www.facebook.com/Bboyalden Alden Tan

    Wassup Shi Xiong!!! 

  • B

    This post was so helpful for me, thank you. I can sympathise with you having a friend betray you. I am going through exactly the same thing. Someone very close has lied to me for several years now and after confronting them recently I found out the truth. Although they have apologised, to accept this is difficult. My anger has led me to hate that person and hurt them so that they could feel the same pain as me. But at the same time I still feel and want the person to be part of my life. I feel the anger is making me think as two different people. I am hoping by using these tips I can overcome this as I do still care a great deal for this person. One thing I am struggling with is being able to forgive them and have the ability to put it behind me, the anger is still there stopping me. Any tips would be helpful.

  • http://www.facebook.com/marios.christofi3 Marios Christofi

    I’ll tell you what guys, i’ve read on some site, that, if you come to the point where you are sad, angry, depressed and mad at yourself and other people, theres only one mistake you did in your entire life, that’s the realization im understanding now, i’ll tell you what people, LET yourselves be angry, actually FIGHT with anyone that goes against yourself and your psyche and who you are and what you do. Because you guys know what this society is SHIT and life SUCKS, and we have to do our best to survive in it, and the only thing that makes you as happy as a butterfly in this universe is being yourself and finding who you are, thats the only thing that matters. So, dwell in your darkness, let it take over you, go break stuff, and scream out your desires and your ideas in a dark hellish room, because the only way order can be restored is to go through chaos. Forget about your boss, forget about your fiance, forget about all this BULLCRAP society is putting down our throats, start being angry, BE ANGRY MY FRIENDS.

    Namaste.

  • grace

    Am confuse …it really feel like i can let go of my anger

  • Azraf

    You are an awesome writer and was spot on to everything i feel in my every day life, although we did not go through the same situations. I have to really start doing things for myself and just letting it out, because out of 1 day that everything goes my way, the 6 other days lead me far into depression, I am afraid that at a point i am just going to break and something frightful like suicide or hurt somebody that did nothing to me.
    normally music does the trick for me, but i still feel sick to my stomach, and i am just happy that i am not the only one going through these problems. thanks for writing this article, i am slightly happier that i am not alone.

  • Pained No More

    I was just betrayed by someone who I knew would betray me eventually. It’s funny: I knew it was coming and I was prepared for it. But it still hurt like a bitter knife in the gut when it came.
    I was looking for a way out of this when I came across this. I looked and figured that you would just another therapist wanna-be who base their advice off of collected data and that bull.
    I was shocked when I read this. You didn’t try to sound professional or anything, you were just you. Your past experiences are like mine now. I knew other people felt like this, but I never knew that they would express it. As I was reading this, I tried what I was reading. I cried. It felt amazing. You have changed my life. Write a book. You may just change the world.

  • Kathness

    Thank you, I really needed that today. I am one of those people who always do “the right thing” and I am dumbfounded that conflicts and unfairness still happen to me. I exercised today but as long as the thoughts swirl in my head, its not going away. I will try to replace my thoughts with postive ones. And I love what you said that my life is my own. Thanks, I needed to hear that.

  • Megan

    I feel like I can actually relate to you. Thank you for quitting your job and becoming a full time blogger, because you’ve certainly helped me find some peace of mind tonight.

  • Claire

    Our situations are very similar, and because of that I really appreciate your article. It helped me so much. My father passed away when I was 18 and I continue to feel a lot of the emotions that you talked about. And I was more angry before. I feel more like a bully now because I don’t let people walk all over me anymore, but I have a hard time controlling that anger. Your article did help me. A lot. And I’ll continue to refer to it over and over again.
    Despite what some people may post on here, your article and life story helped to make my own life wonderful again.

  • angry

    I am a very angry person. I was raised by a very angry man that abused me very bad. He burned the bottom of my feet starved me and make me stand up all night long as a little girl he also set my long nightgown on fire he burned the bottom of my feet and my finger tips he also loved to chock me until i would pass out. I am 41 years old Now and i notice that i am angry all the time i just cannot seem to let things go. I have know friends but i do have an 11 year old daughter she can see my anger that is why i really want to start controlling my anger. I just want to be a more loving person i am scared of having a relationship with a man because i have a Mean personality at times i do not want to hurt any ones heart so i push men away. I just do Not know how i can change

  • Lisa

    I just found this when I truly need it…and ex girlfriend type disaster had constantly lied to me although I told her up front I can’t deal with that, it would end any and all of our efforts together, etc. But she lied nonstop over months.

    Fast forward…she is still denying she lied and playing victim, like this all just happened to her. I’ve had a really tough time erasing the memory…once my feelings are hurt that deeply I don’t recover easily at ALL. I was just coming out from a HUGE depression when I had met her, she pursued me for months prior…then this. Yeah, hard to recover from.

    I’ve bookmarked this page and will try to refer back to it when days are rough. I need all the help I can get.

    Thank you and wish me luck.

  • Shambhalovely .

    I just read over this and I wanted to say how helpful I found it! The section on being yourself and surrounding yourself with positive people is crucial I think. I’ve recently experienced a lot of loss (gramma passed away, aunt died from cancer, left a relationship with a step child that I cared for dearly, lost a lot of old friends from highschool, etc) and dealing with a lot of people misunderstanding me (dealing with depression and mental illness unfortunately), so life has been really frustrating lately. Sometimes, I really do want to explain myself and wish other people actually cared enough to hear my side of the story, but sadly most people are content with gossip and their own perceptions, instead of seeking out truth. For me, I’ve been traveling a lot, which really opens my perspective and my mind to other people and cultures. Being stuck as you say, really is a horrible feeling, and traveling for me is a great way to overcome that. Trying new things and putting myself out there has also been really helpful. Thanks for the post :)

  • angry person

    Interesting that no1 bothered to respond to this post… I’m angry because most ppl are selfish, superficial, cold, boring and hurtful and/or dependant on drugs….I was abused sexually from the age of six by boys at bording school, my dad, my uncle and then i was used by men for sex at least five years older than me until i was 17 and met my very lovely bf (compared to most other men anyway)….two of my grandparents died from cancer and the other two were evil, abusive, selfish, materialistic alcoholics who burried themselves with Thier money..my mum has suffered depression and been suicidal her whole life…she was beaten and abused by both parents and then sold to my dad who beat and abused her for nine years before she managed to escape… she had the first quadruple invetro babies with him ‘in the world’ as he only had one ball he begged her to do it. Four babies were born, two died! My dad was not interested in being supportive he just wanted to have sex with her.. finally when she left hospital the doctors said with her condition she should not have kids for at least a few years… but he raped her and she got pregnant with me…she tried to lose me by hurting herself. Chain smoking, hot baths but somehow I was born three weeks late… so ther we are…then she escaped to England…for a few years but my dad stole us and took us to Lebanon and shoved us in boring school…. from 6 till 12 I was continuously sexually molested and manipulated..I didn’t say a word my mum who asked me many times if anything has happened and I never said a word to protect her from more pain… she told me everything about everything when I was growing up including all of the abuse she suffered in grafic detail and dispair . I knew all about sex and suffering very clearly by the age of 8…. finally the impossible happened and my dad agreed to give us back…she signed the paper saying she wud be fully financially responsible for us even though she had nothing but a room at a friends and my dad was a multi millionaire!! So were her parents…we Came to England and my mum’s amazing friend let us all stay in the flat…by the time I was 14 I had taken most street drugs… dealt drugs…slept around. Stopped going to school.. fights with everyone… smoke weed daily . I managed to pic myself up.. got a bf of five years. Got a degree..get jobs in the click of my fingers… supported my mum financially/emotionally she is still ill!! I speak to my dad because he has Money and we would gave ended up homeless I i didnt noe i carry on being civil to him coz i have a stepmom who is my age and a five year old litte sister who i want to protect… I take extacy regularly and I constantly smoke weed… when I am sober I hate the world and I argue continuously!! Everyone around me is either materialistic/fake or has a drug problem.. and My bf will eventually leave me for someone sane!! Because he drinks too I am always angry…but I am a generous, honest moral person and I would give everything I have for the ppl that I love…all I wanted was normality so no matter how many drugs or positive thoughts the anger always strikes back!

  • iyke

    My dear sister,

    I just read your story with joy because I know this problem will come to an end from today if you will accept what I will tell you. Let me have your details so I can reach you immediately. You can reach me on iyke4ever03@yahoo.com

    I know someone who will take this agony away from you and give you new life. He loves you more than you can imagine, you must meet Him, I will lead you to Him. Please send me an email and your phone number, we can discuss it over and you will be happy forever.

    God bless you dearly.

  • iyke

    I will be waiting.

  • Josiah Heng

    Wow Alden! Thanks for sharing! I’ve always thought I’m the only one in this world who’s like this, actually not really me but my 3 brothers are just the same. We’re angry and pissed all the time. We grew up in a dysfunctional family where our parents were always fighting. Smashing things, slamming doors, screaming at the top of their lungs…etc. pretty traumatic shit. I’m already 30 years old and I still struggle with this. There were times I’ve almost lost my job cause of anger management issues. I’ve almost wanted to give up, I thought of taking my own life cause I fear I may end up hurting someone. Better to end mine first before I cause any damage. But after reading all you said, I realized if you can tame the beast within, so can I! Thanks for your positive and knowledgable insight! And thanks for making me not feel that this is an “immature thing” we’re going through.

  • ran

    about the letter part. I’d want to do that, but why can’t I send it? Surely it’ll help with moving on, right? please help :( thanks!

  • Shellyd

    I just read Aidens blog for first time..and I found the peice to be wonderful and I understood how anger has made me feel after loosing my mum,dad,brother..it made me realise I do emphsise anger with everyday issues..im 43 years old and this wonderful young writer has inspired me…thanks Aiden..well done..shellyxx

  • Jen

    How do you make new friends that are positive and supportive?

  • Bons

    You say to let it all go because I am a good person. I’ve backed away from fights all my life, thought intuitively, assessed before making an action, Selfless, and do more for others than I do myself.. But good people finish last. As the wankers in life shit all over you… They walk over the good guys to get themselves in a better position because selfishness is more common in the world than selflessness…

  • Jacob Atkinson

    I agree with you. For my whole life I have been struggling with anger. I am just now starting to learn to handle it but I now realize that the trick isn’t to rid yourself of it, it’s just to control it. When I feel anger all the time it gets exhausting and it scares me because what if I were to act on it and kill a person? I’ve just started to learn to control it and realize that the potential in it is grand. It will help me to become the best person I can be. It’s a necessary challenge so that my life will be full of potential and that gives me more hope than any thought or feeling ever could.

    “To let go of violence, you must first fully embrace peace.”

  • Christine H

    Good advice. Thank you, I needed it.
    I have been so angry lately myself, and find that is has a lot to do with my surroundings and people I have chosen to associate myself with.
    From now on I am not only going to take better care of me, but choose my friends wiser.
    Friends should bring you joy, not anger and pain.

  • nicole

    I really liked this post. I’m really trying to make myself a better person and turn the negativity in my life into positivity. This gave me some good inspiration!

  • Moude Angel

    my name is mahmoud from egypt, i`m start to heat my country my friends my military everything around of me i need to kill

  • jyz

    I’m 43, female, white, middle class, living in australia. you get the picture. anger is in all of us. its a natural human response, usually to a sense of unfairness, or unjust.ess. the more ‘good’ and week meaning we are, the harder to live with life’s disappointments. but if you at least know we all feel it, all have our shit days and good days, it helps.as my mum used to say ‘this too shall pass.’don’t sweat the small stuff. being good and kind to yourself means you can do the same for others xx

  • shaylee

    I just found this blog and found it interesting. I was also brought up in an abusive family, we were also moved around a lot, country to country and within those countries. Then I was dumped in my home country that I’d not been in since I was a young kid and left on my own as soon as I was of age. I went for interviews, had so many ignorant people tell me that as far as they were concerned I needn’t have bothered going to school, so all I could get was a low paid job. I worked, went to night school, then found that managers didn’t like it because I was better educated than they were. I got married, but he cheated, had me declared dead so I figured it was time I got out before that became reality. Then I met someone and thought he loved me. I helped him set up and build his business only for him to hide money, gamble, drink and go with prostitutes. He begged me not to divorce him, so I forgave, only to be verbally, mentally and emotionally abused to the point of contemplating suicide. I got a divorce. I’ve been scammed by my own sibling, had people say they’re my friends, but it’s only when they want something from me, but they’re never there when I need them. That’s when they turn and dump me as a friend. When I’m not able to give them what they want, I get treated like crap. Yeah inside I’m angry. I’ve held it in and now am paying the price medically, but if I let it out, just a little bit, by God they’re quick to turn and say I’m angry or aggressive. I don’t want to be angry, but I’m tired of being used and abused.

  • Jeanie

    I can relate to that…… How can you be positive when you feel like you are constantly being slapped in the face and have people tell you that you are the problem by not taking their BS. I usually vent about it so I feel justified and it makes me feel a little better by doing that but it doesn’t solve the problem. If you have a friend that can agree with you about the situation that you are mad about, it helps. Some people will just not understand your point of view though so the only thing that works for me is to conclude that the person that is making me angry is usually wrong so I try to tell myself that it is their problem and I go do something that I either like to do or need to do to get my mind off of it. I try to replace the feeling of being a victim with feeling accomplished. It is hard to let go of the situation and not be sad when the person that you are angry at you love but cannot get on the same page with them and reason with them. You just have to resolve that you cannot change them and then deal with the loss of having a close relationship with them at that time.

  • rachel

    Thank you for writing this very much needed !

  • Adrian

    I think you’ve missed the biggest one: Empathy. There’s a good book called Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman which covers toxic thoughts and goes into more detail. Bottom line: Much of the time we are angry with other people or personified versions of inanimate things (e.g. that bloody tv, the bloody IT, this bloody hammer that I hit my thumb with – or sometimes we strike out at the people we perceive are responsible for those things ). It’s worth remembering that most people (I want to say all people, but there must be some who cruise through trouble-free) have a shedload of problems of their own and are trying their best to cope with their own lives. On a bad day, coping is hard for them and they end up being inconsiderate or lashing out themselves, or just plain making stupid choices – we all do that – me, them.. and you. Always seek to understand others before seeking to be understood yourself, and remember most people are trying to cope. Understand them, help them cope rather than feel you need to punish them for it, and you’ll find that your anger will transfer to kindness (particularly if you don’t feel that someone should owe you if you’re kind to them).

    So again – you want to be less angry: then empathize more.

  • Soul

    Seeing this article helped. I’ve been angry lately with EVERYTHING. I’ve been cheated on. The many girls I approached romantically didn’t accept me. Im not as financially stable as i’d like to be. I get pissed off at seeing all of the couples at my college; i’m pissed that i’m pissed and that i’m not happy anymore. I’m angry that i’m overwhelmed with homework. I’m angry that life is such B.S. I’m angry that my parents didn’t give me a better childhood (i’ve been questioning all of my parent’s actions). Im upset that i’m lonely. And maybe im angry that my situation won’t change for a long time. Oh, did i mention i hate my part-time job? I’ve also been angry at social networking, being undervalued on it–I was tired of other people having so much more activity and likes, so i deleted my accounts (which made me feel better).

    When i wake up alone in my room, i’m happy. When i have to go through the day dealing with people, i become angry. I covet what i see and what i can’t have. And of course, i’m pissed off that i used to be happy and that i no longer am. In the end, i think i just feel undervalued as a human being.

  • kio

    Good right up from the author, I understand you, we are the same and to Long nguyens comment you have very good knowledge of life and understanding but sometimes is not good to be to much angry it can be dysfunctional and that’s why people go trough anger management and look up advice like the ones Alden Tan has here for us. Thank you for both of you

  • Shellie

    I completely agree. I see mentions of “rude people”, “negative people”, “supposed friends”, etc. but nowhere is there any empathy for these other human being. Often when someone is rude to me, especially a stranger, I imagine what kind of bad day they must be having. You don’t know, they may have just gotten cheated on my a lover, or they may have lost a loved one. It’s good to not see people around you as “others” that should be blamed or punished for their behavior. They are humans expressing human emotions just like you.

    One of the best examples of using empathy is when driving. If someone cuts you off, slows down in front of you, or anything else annoying, then you imagine the driver is your grandmother. Changing the driver from an anonymous jerk to someone you sympathize with and someone you understand will evaporate your anger quickly.

  • random guy

    thank you. I feel better.

  • Ishansama

    Hey man, I’d just like to say, this post was helpful, including the comments. I can’t put it in better words. It was just rightly helpful at the right time. Keep blogging.

  • funnywell

    dude i feel ya i grew up with the turn the other cheek mentality and just felt abused from people i could actually beat now i’m left with this anger at self and innocent “targets” leaves you with a lot of guilt

  • Carl Bingum

    I really enjoyed your take on anger. I have done countless years of therapy and struggled with anger. I have come a long way. It is hard to let go of anger from past abuse and things going on in the moment. I keep working at it by forcing myself to continue therapy. I have bipolar disorder which fuels my anger and moods. It is not easy but worth doing the right thing. Keep up the good work. One thing I no longer allow is people that have abused me in the past into my life. They are no longer welcome. Recently an ex-friend contacted me and I just hung up the phone. They were being nice at the time but abused me verbally for years. If they ever show up to my house I will shut the door on them. I will no longer even speake to those that made me the butt of their jokes anymore period. It feels good to surround self with supportive people and not those that take advantage of your vulnerability. I think your blog is great. K

  • Carl Bingum

    Soul, I empathize with you. I am angry at the world and hate dealing with people too. I have been hurt a lot which damaged my happiness. When you have been hurt it can do a lot of damage. Hurt people hurt people.

  • tricia

    I wrote a letter to the guy who just robbed my family. And I am still angry. Probably even more,
    I want to meet and kill that motherfucker. A LOT. I pray for him to die in pain. I really do.
    I keep checking pages online to see if he’s selling our belongings. I also keep wishing I had some magic power to track him down.
    I hate not being able to do anything.

  • Angreduderguy

    I like everything that you’ve suggested. I’m an anrgy person myself. Have been since an ex who I loved very much left me for her ex boyfriend. I was devastated and ever since became irritable (or more than before this impacting moment in life)and hated people. I didn’t trust anybody and still choose not to trust anybody. I have no hope on people, humanity, politics, the people that surround me including my brother and his decisions in life, my mom and her decisions in life, my dad and his decisions in life, and even me and my decisions in life. I don’t have hope to start traveling more, pick up snowboarding like I want to, save money up, ever buy a house with my own means, finish RN school (im an LPN which is a step down from RN). I’m just not good enough, that is what I feel and have felt since this turning moment in my life (and perhaps like I said, even before this). So this is a step towards me trying to figure it out. I’m looking at the blogs, researching for good reads, and slowly changing the ways I do things. It will be an uphill battle but it is time. I need my life to change.

  • IJustDontGiveAFuckAnymore

    You have such pathetic reasons to be mad.

    The events in my life that make me mad are:

    My dad was never in my life

    My brother was shot and paralyzed but some stupid fucking idiot in the street

    I wasn’t advanced 2 grades when I was a kid, because the person I call a Mother always doubts and there is seriously something wrong with her.

    I tried to help a group of people only to realize that they were primitive and pathetic, and ended up abusing my kindness, sucker-punching me, and almost killing me.

    I was fired because I was on my laptop on my break,, caused by a rat that is probably insecure about himself…causing a downward spiral on my life because my family has no money, no achievements, and no reliable family extensions….

    But once I become successful, I know Im going to make people kill themselves just with the sound of my words of them being so pathetic and lack of intelligence…. I don’t need weapons, I don’t need anything but my words… psychological warfare… for those that want to fuck with me.

  • Jeff Toms

    Anger has done absolutely nothing for me in life, but neither has being ‘nice’ to people. 99.9% of the people I’ve met simply stomp on me whenever I’m decent to them. If I retaliate to them in anger in response to their anger then I definitely don’t get a very pleasant result.

    1 out of every 10 people I meet are scum. And I mean it. They come at me aggressively, judge me and do something extraordinarily rude. And this is before I’ve even opened my mouth or have done anything. I can simply walk into a room and it happens. Ok, so people will say – “You’re putting out a bad vibe.” lol. Ok then, so when did you become God and know what I’m thinking just by looking at me? Perhaps I’ve got something on my mind. Maybe my Mother just died, or my son (who did pass away at age 25 in April 2013).

    The world is turning to total crap. You can’t even talk to another human being these days without them reacting in some negative manner. They’re paranoid, judgmental and downright nasty. I’m done with the human race. I deal with people online and very sparingly in real life. I like it this way. There’s no BS in my life as a result.

    We are doomed as an entity. I’m convinced of it. I give human beings another 200 years max before they implode on themselves. It serves us right too. With mass worldwide poverty, completely unjustified wars, extreme sexual promiscuity, no morals whatsoever and the lack of being able to communicate with other people unless it’s via text messaging on a mobile unit or otherwise and planetary ecological ruin what other result could there be?

  • VeryAngry26YeardOld

    I like what you have written. And it all sounds good, but you no what they say, easier said then done. I am ana angry person, for no apparent reason, I hate society and what it has become, we all have issues some big some not so big, but however big/small its still an issue we’d rather be without. The hardest thing is actually pulling this of, Ive been over and over in my head what to do if angry or distressed and I try and I try and I just keep acting like the same arsehole. I swear im cursed or maybe I just cant get over how shit the world really is. TELL ME HOW TO LEARN TO STAY CALM AND ACCEPT SOCIETY AND GET ON WITH MY LIFE!!!!!

  • geoff

    Anger is an enemy that if not dealt with properly can destroy you. Great article i related 100% to it.

  • fortyminstofive

    Thanks.

  • noname

    Ok thanks for the post. I like to read it, but only overflew it. I go to bed soon. I have my own anger now and I don’t know quite how to release it. I wrote already and did some Sedona releasing. But it is still there. I am split. That is why I got to this post. Here is what I mean by split:
    There is AHole number 2. And he was grabbing. Maybe its his nature. Maybe he thought he can do it. That is the issue. And now when I look at person, I see two people. One I am ok with and who is a good person. Two I hate and I am not ok with and who is being abusive or whatever I classify it. Although – I can see it as abusive and make it into something (a problem). Or I can say stupid idiot – and let it go. Just how!?
    Why this split? This is not the first time I realize that. I suffered a lot under my spouse. When I looked I saw spouse normal. When I felt, I felt ugly and hating and bad. When I looked I smiled. (I hate me for that.) When I felt I felt bad and as if I wanted to see him gone and worse. The same with other people, parents, people of shops and stores etc.
    !) I look and I smile and they seem to be ok people
    2) I feel bad and hurt and angry and used.
    I don’t know what that is. I just can say, I judge the part who does smile. What is there to smile at?

  • maryiam

    Hello. I wrote a big long note earlier but wasn’t registered. this is one of the best articles and comments I have ever read dealing with anger, forgiveness, etc… So many people are told to forgive forgive forgive…very often by the very person or people who have abused them severely and even hold up their Christianity….”what kind of Christian are you if you can’t forgive?” Gee, Dad and Mom, how many times are you going to do this to me over and over and then want me to forgive you? I’m talking about crimes….not little temper tantrums. I had three and a half years of intensive counseling along with a couple more short stints of counseling along the way to get to the point of not wanting to kill myself, anymore. You can forgive…or pardon, if you want to, if somebody has committed a crime against you, but, even if you choose to do so, that doesn’t mean that you have to have them in your life ever again. Then, sometimes, the rest of the family turns against you. Abuse in families usually lasts a lifetime in one way or another. I was deeply touched by everybody’s comments….speaking right from your heart. Thank you, everybody…you helped me.

  • Lesson learned

    You helped me alot by posting this, thank you very much! At first I was amazed that I wasnt the first person ALL those things happened to. From my father dying, being cheated on, being betrayed AND being punched in the face. Actually jumped, having my shoulder dislocated n my teeth kicked in but hey, im still here. You just have to pick yourself up n keep going. I’ve retrained myself to laugh at the ignorant, angry ppl that exist in this world. I had become one myself for a little while there, so I try to have compassion but I still deserve respect as does everyone else. I guess after years of being a ball buster life taught me a lesson, which I AM grateful for but an email would if sufficed. What have I taken from all those things happening to me? Sometimes bad things happen FOR you not to you. Hang in there, nothing lasts forever…

  • vollena

    It is no wonder that you are an angry person, with all that has happened to you. I can understand you wanting help because your child sees the anger in you, and the problem is, your child will grow up to be angry if that is all she/he is taught as a young person, just like your dad did when he was young. I am no expert on this subject, and merely speaking from my heart, as when I read this, my heart ached for you. I do not know what to tell you, except that I care, deeply. And, I pray that you find the peace of loving yourself no matter how you have been abused. It is so hard, but we can either hang onto the hurt/anger, or give it to God and ask for forgiveness so that he can give us peace and joy. That is not as easy as it sounds though…. I know from experience. It takes courage and boldness, which I sometimes do not have. But, know this, my heart is with you, and I wish that I could just hug you and make the hurt go away, but that is not possible either (even if we were physically able to hug, it would not take away the hurt). I pray that you can find that child in you, understand the child, and love the child that was so brutally hurt. You can hug that child and learn to love the her. It takes work, but is well worth the effort.

  • unknown

    bhai kisi ko kabhi bhi gusha aye to mujhe aap gali de sakte hai 8449130247
    thankyou

  • Matt

    thank you so much you probably saved me from a world of trouble and regret you sound just like me in the way that you live your life.

  • lana

    An inspiration, thank you :)

  • yaletownman

    I love your blog and I love it that such a young person as yourself is so self aware. One thing I might add to your list is that the things we are angry about are seldom about the things we think they are. The intensity of our reaction to thing are usually connected to something in our childhoods that we have become consciously disconnected from. One thing to do when you become angry is to ask yourself “what is it that I am really angry about?” Yes, the present even might be making you angry but the intensity of your reaction is usually rooted in the past. An example for me is that I’ve moved to a new place that is very affluent and likes to consider itself liberal but what I’ve found is that folks seem to be very intolerant and downright cold hearted toward those who don’t have their advantages in life. When I asked the question about why they so intensley annoyed me I was taken back to my childhood where my parents moved us to a similar area. The problem wasn’t that the place I moved to as a kid was affluent but that their lack of tolerance was very personal for me. Though I was young and not yet conscious of this part of myself I was obviously gay. I exuded the characteristics like not being as rough and tumble as other boys and interested in things that weren’t considered “boyish”. Not only did I receive ridicule for it I witnessed the ridicule of others like myself. Now, when I see folks being looked down upon for any reason, it is suconsciously connected to my childhood and my own personal experience. What I’ve had to do is go back and own that period of my life and get in touch with what is really beneath the anger which is a deep sadness, grief over not being loved and accepted the way I was and embracing the lonliness I felt during that period of my life. After doing that I realize that those who gave me that experience were only doing what they were taught to do. Many were probably just running from themselves and projecting upon me and that their was a gift for me having gone through that in that it taught me empahty and compassion. So see your anger as a possbility to heal something and that maybe it’s even a gift that wants to help you reconnect with a part of yourself you’ve abandoned. I love your blog and again, it makes me feel so good to see people your age becoming so conscious of themselves!

  • kkk

    there are diferent levels of anger and im glad this worked for you but im not sure you know anger, I have PTSD the anger/poison is in my veins, growing up in violence/war loosing all that you love ending up alone and now what? fuck you all

  • RagingAsianfromPhilly

    And for some reason. I have to find someone/something to laugh at of to let that rage go.

  • Hung Su

    Thank you very much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You are absolutely correct!! and inspiring.

  • AnotherNikki

    Thanks for this post. It was very helpful to me and I hope that I apply it. I recently lost my mother and since then I have felt angry at everyone and the whole world. I too was a very tolerant person most of my life_ did a lot for others and always did the right thing growing up. Recently, I don’t feel like being nice any more. I feel very angry and wish people would leave me alone and stop depending on me for so much. I’m trying to solve this problem because I think I might explode and cuss out my friends if I don’t get help soon.

  • Chris

    Thank you

  • dwhite

    Apparently I have an issue with unresolved anger and really want to work on it and change it.

  • Kirst

    My thoughts are with you completely. Unlike the other 2 responds I do not believe you need God to help or ‘save’ you. I have a lot of experience in anger. It breeds a beast. It makes us act in ways that are sometimes nothing more than a complete shove from any physical or emotional connection anyone gives us. You hAve went through more than any human should be able to bear. Maybe try give yourself credit for that. Build strength in becoming you who has been damaged but doesn’t want it to destroy her life .turn anger into your own changed future . Your daughter will feed off your energy and this is a very valuable life lesson for her to learn – being burnt but getting back up and trying to get on with a stable life, that you now as an adult can provide yourself. Remove yourself from the
    Materialistic ppl u speak of. You don’t need them. I hope you find peace within. Take care

  • rebecca

    I’m pretty young too just coming out of university and I get angry when I lose control. I’m not a control freak or anything it’s just that there’s a limit to how much I can take from someone who bosses me around either at work at home or when I’m with my friends. I have a hard time saying no to people so I always do as they ask and then they take advantage of that and it just becomes too much. I too had a best friend of 7 years betray me after everything I’ve done for her and I just feel so disgusted with her.

    I’ve just been getting so angry to the point where my stomach begins to hurt and I feel like I’m having an acid reflux. It’s like you have a plan and people keep getting in your way trying to feed off you and pull you back. It just really angers me when you see so much potential in yourself and no one else does and tries to put you down for it either because they’re jealous or because they think their opinion is more important. My only way to escape anger is to be away from people because that’s the only time when I really feel like I’m in control of what I want to do.

  • BobGod Taylor

    Number four is closest to the only one that matters; caring FOR one’s self is very nearly as important as is NOT caring so much ABOUT one’s self. All of the things listed that make the author angry contain the words “I” or “me” and are therefor self-centered, ego-based types of anger. The best way to get over your anger is to get over yourself.

  • Kungfu Panda

    To the author and anybody else reading this, I will suggest just one
    more option to let go of anger. I do it personally and it helps me
    immensely. This is not a knee jerk reaction which you can use to defuse
    anger at the heat of the moment. This is more for long term peace.

    Let
    yourself be angry and in your mind count all the reasons for which you
    are furious with a person. After your anger has gone down a bit, try to
    focus on that person in your mind and with resolution in your heart and
    mind, say (ALOUD) that your forgive for 1,2 & 3 which you counted in
    your mind before. Repeat it a few times or fifty, doesn’t matter how
    many, but for as long as until your mind and heart actually mean the
    words. Believe me, it helps. Everything else is just temporary, it will
    just distract you, but with this, you will be free. Just try it once.

    Sometimes
    its difficult to forgive, because you feel emotional about an issue.
    But slowly, it will come to you. If the person is someone with whom you
    still want to maintain a positive relation, further in life. Take this
    activity one step ahead and imagine both of you in happy, positive
    situations, smiling. Actually feel it in your heart and say aloud that
    this once incident is forgotten and tomorrow is a new slate. with a new
    him/her and you. This is applicable for any relation : family, close
    friends, boss, colleagues, etc.

    This is not from self-help group
    or off the internet. I do it myself, personally. I don’t know if other
    people are doing or advising people to do it. It helps because
    ultimately you can’t do much for most of your anger, it just torments
    you. When you forgive, you become at peace. If you don’t forgive, you
    can only forget. But the negativity doesn’t disappear and even a memory
    can trigger it back.

  • winegum

    Thank you for this post. I feel anger all the time and while it has been useful in the past, that time is gone now and I don’t want to feel angry anymore. I think that we all have things that have happened to us that give us good reason to feel angry, however when we are not able to let it go and fully move on and miss out on the “good stuff” because we are so blinded by anger than it is no longer a useful emotion. I don’t know if I want to be “happy” as such but rather to be at peace with myself. I have wasted so much time and energy feeling angry and I have pushed good people away because of it. I wrote down all five points in a little book that I carry around as a reminder for myself when anger starts to bubble in me. I don’t think anything is sadder than when you meet an old person who is just ANGRY at everything and everyone…I don’t want to be that person and it isn’t the legacy that I want to leave.

  • Kagonya

    I stumbled upon these post on google as i was trying to find a way to deal with the anger I have towards a friend that betrayed me. Despite the hurt he had caused me I called him to make ammends cause as a good person I felt it was the right thing but later woke up regretting it as i felt more angry and wondered why i did it to begin with However after reading your post I must say that you reminded me that I did it for me because I am a good person. Thank you so much for this post You helped a great deal :-)

  • AwakenedOne

    Jeff, I know exactly what you’re talking about. The world is harsh and full of people with bad intentions. But the opposite is true too. The world is full of good people with good intentions- some even dedicate their whole lives caring for other people. I’ve come to this realization when I went on a mission trip. For over 15 years, I’ve been struggling with depression, anger, and anxiety. I’ve been abandoned and negletected as an infant, all through my childhood and my teens. I’ve been struggling at school because I was conditioned to believe that I was really stupid and had ADD. This of course spilled over to work- people thought I was weird, incapable of doing anything- pretty much an idiot. I unconsciously jumped into several emotionally and verbally abusive relationships with guys just using me as a trophy gf and sex object because I thought this was the only source to fill my need for love and really, this was all I knew and felt comfortable with. I was homeless with barely any money and no one was there to help me. Friends were superficial; others seemed all selfish and money hungry. Yeah, life was tough and hopeless at the time. I endured physical, emotional, and verbal abuse most of my life- at school, work, home- I never felt safe, secure, or loved for that matter. I felt like I was experiencing Aileen Wuornus’s life in Monster. All these bad things were happening all the time and I asked God, “why the f*** me?”. I’m explaining all these things that happened to me not because I’m looking for pity but to show you that all these events made me turn into an enemy against my true self and the world. I became selfish, money hungry, and emotionally and verbally abusive to others. I lived with resent and anger for a long time thinking that “hey, people are after me and think about themselves. I’ve always done the right thing and nothing good comes out of it. Bad things always happens. No ones ever thinks about me. Love doesn’t exist on this planet. Hope is useless. There is nothing good here.” See- there is a reason why people turn into bad people. We all had Mothers once. We came into this world as innocent children. People and our surrounding changes us for the good or the worst. Unfortunately, some don’t know any better- they don’t know and never been taught to express anger or whatever emotion in a healthy way. Many don’t have the resources or the time to see a doctor. Can you blame genetics, diseases, mutations, and disorders? And yes, some doctors have bad intentions, some have no idea what the heck they’re dealing with..etc. The point is that we are who we are and its not anyones fault. Does this mean we shouldn’t be angry or bad people should go unpunished? No, justice will be served one way or the other and yes, naturally we will be angry at first. All I am saying is to have compassion rather than anger- compassion for these people that they have their own story, like me. There is a reason for every behavior. Life is unfair- you can ask anyone in a third world country. They don’t deserve to starve or walk 2 hours each way to school, etc. But the beauty of all this is that we have a choice and can choose to continue to hope, love, believe, and help others even through the bad in this world. Good will always exist with evil and you will never get rid of it. The truth is that we can find love and positivity- we find hope, love through ourselves first and sharing that with others. My friend, we can find good in the bad. It begins with yourself by healing and loving yourself and sharing all that compassion, hope, love, positivity, and wisdom you learned from your life, mistakes, and the bad things that happened to you. You just need to look at the bigger picture rather than looking at the tiny details. Compassion, kindness and understanding kills anger, hate, and negativity. That is when you are “awake”.

  • val

    this was an awesome post it really got me thinking thanks!

  • Teja

    Thank you brother, the last point really helped. I feel connected with ‘all that is’ once again.

  • MilsMad

    Thank you for sharing. I needed to read this, at this very moment.

  • Marietta

    Alden you are younger than me but seem to have way more wisdom. I too am Asian and share a lot of the same experiences as you did in your younger years. I was taught to always keep quiet, walk away and respect everyone NO MATTER how I was treated in return thus causing me a lot of vengeance and anger. While I struggle with these 2 traits a lot, your article helps me to realize that I am not alone and that it’s okay to have these emotions. Thanks a lot.
    M

  • Pete

    Damn, this stuff is hard. I try these suggestions sometimes–attempt to humanize the other driver, pretend she is related to me–and have to admit I usually fail at it. I still hate that person, have fantasies of keying their car, slashing their tires, yadda yadda. Then I wonder what the hell is wrong with me that I can’t make it work…

  • Relaxed1

    Love this post, you’re absolutely right. Love is the “weapon” of the present and future.

  • middle eye

    Yeh, maybe if you don’t care about anything. Easy for the dalai lama to be happy: no job, no bills, no wife, kids, underlings to delegate tasks to. Just smile and dispense bs. Smiling and letting go of shit doesn’t actually fix anything. Forgiveness just gives assholes another opportunity to fuck you over.

  • kdog

    I’m sorry but your post wreaks of bs. You were once ok but once u found out u were a trophy lay u got upset and depressed? Thats not an angry problem, thats being upset with your current circumstances. This is what pisses me off about know nothings who post on things they think they know shirt about. “Replace your anger with compassion, and see that the world is beautiful” is basically what u said (must be nice if it was possible) but is not something a truly angry person can do no matter how hard they try to convince themselves. Some people have been angry since before they can do even remember and u being a homeless trophy gf?????… just sounds like u got clean finally, and congratulations if u did but find an appropriate thread about na or something. If anyone has had these issues since before they can remember and have conquered them i would love to hear about it but being a junkie and then getting upset about how u were mistreated is pathetic. if you can’t tell I haven’t gone over my anger issues

  • Mike

    Hey Alden! I too have been battling anger issues my entire life. I am now 37, and seem to not have much better command over it then I did when I was in high school or college. Lately, I get explosively angry when people almost kill me on my motorcycle. I live in Seoul, South Korea, and the traffic is pretty crazy here. For some reason I take it as a personal insult when someone almost hits me or cuts me off. Lately I’ve been riding without a helmet, and will cuss people out and spit on their cars. It’s crazy! I immediately feel bad and ashamed for how out of control I can get. It’s weird. I can be a very caring, sympathizing and empathizing individual, and then a switch can turn at the drop of a hat. I too have avoided a lot of fights. Most of the time because it’s easy for me to intimidate someone based on how I look. But even then, I sometimes lose my control and let the fists fly. Alcohol is definitely something that takes my aggression and loss of patience through the roof. That’s why I’ve cut back on drinking a lot in the last two months. I just wish I could rid myself of constant negativity and anger and judgement. Sorry for the rambling. Just needed to vent. Glad I came across your article.

  • Bw

    This is a bunch of bullshit!!