I’m in a similar situation.  I’m crazy about the woman I’m with and I want to show her how much I love her and how much I care.  I love these suggestions btw (great article/post, Lori!) and I’ve done and do many of them.  I know that I would appreciate it if someone did these things for me.  The thing is, when I do these things… it’s like they don’t even penetrate.  It’s like the words fall on deaf ears and the actions aren’t believed.

I have gone through and still am going through what you describe — every time you say something, it’s wrong.  You feel like everything you do is wrong because of how he acts or what he says.  I try to treat her right, the best way I can.  I do things out of love but she doesn’t see it that way because it’s not what she was expecting.  She’s always thinks there’s an ulterior motive behind it or she reads into things incorrectly.  She doesn’t think things are genuine, when they are.  If I give her space, she doesn’t want space – she wants me “in her face”.  If I’m “in her face”, she wants space and doesn’t want to talk.  It’s like I can’t win.

What I’ve realized through God’s help and the help of support groups is that I still have issues with co-dependency.  What you’re describing sounds like you might be in the same boat.  If you’re not familiar with it, please look it up and do some research. There are 2 things going on here — (1) his behavior and (2) the way it affects you.  Remember that you are not responsible for his behavior or his reactions to things.  You can only control yourself and you are responsible for your reactions and you can get to the place where you can control your feelings.

My advice is to just keep loving him, the best you know how.  Pure love is not selfish.  Pure love just loves.  It doesn’t want anything in return.  Just keep showing him love.  And work on yourself, get your heart right, your motives right — are you doing these things just so he appreciates you or are you doing them just because he loves you?  I ask myself that question several times a day.  If you are loving from the right place (not selfish), keep at it and don’t expect certain reactions from him.

People who act like he does have had their own issues.  They’ve gone through things that have hurt them and he is probably behaving out of a defense-mechanism he had to create years ago.  People who have a hard time receiving love have been through some bad stuff.  It hardens their heart.  Even the biggest jerk on the planet has probably been hurt by someone that turned them into who they are.  It’s not an excuse for the behavior, but it is an explanation.  I know that my love has been through all kinds of crazy things.  I know she has a hard time trusting people. I know she’s been hurt over and over and abandoned by everyone.  I know this still affects her and I remember that when she doesn’t receive what I’m doing for her.

By no means am I encouraging you to stay in a bad relationship.  It’s up to you to decide if he and this relationship are right for you.  I’m more concerned about you — your feelings and how this relationship is affecting you.  Even if you two break up, if you have issues you need to work through, they will carry to the next relationship.

You can’t make someone love you but you can choose to love someone.  Love is a decision and real, pure love doesn’t expect anything in return.  I’m praying that everything works out in your life.

It’s tough for my to offer you advice since I don’t know you or your situation. It sounds to me like the issue is less about showing him you care, and more about him letting you in so that you don’t feel the need to try so hard. While I think we should always remember to love in action, it shouldn’t have to feel like a stressful thing.

A few questions for you (to answer for you, not me):

1. Is everything else good with this relationship?
2. Are you happy more often than not in this relationship?
3. Is he there for you when you need him?
4. Do you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around him/constantly work for his approval?

Based on the answers to these questions, you’ll likely know whether this is about showing him you care or something deeper. And if it’s something deeper, perhaps this isn’t the healthiest relationship to stay in.

I am not an expert on relationships, so please know this is just my personal opinion. I hope this helps!

Lori