by Lori Deschene
You feel frustrated about your progress toward your goals, so you tell your friends about the odds stacked against you. You don’t want them to think you’re a failure.
You feel unusually anxious before a performance evaluation so you tell your coworker about everything that’s riding on this promotion. You don’t want her to think you’re neurotic.
You feel subdued at your family reunion, so you tell your father you have a lot on your mind. You don’t want him to think you’re antisocial.
We often feel the need to justify our feelings, like everyone outside is watching, assessing and forming judgments.
The truth is they often are.
We all watch other people—it’s hard not to; they surround us. We all assess other people—it gives us a break from assessing ourselves. And we all judge other people—it’s usually when we don’t understand and we’re scared.
Knowing these things are inevitable, we’re left with two options:
- Constantly explain ourselves to preserve how we’d like to be seen—even though it’s generally fruitless.
- Accept that our feelings will change all the time, and that we’re allowed to feel them—and that other people deal with the same things.
You’re entitled to a quiet afternoon if you don’t feel like engaging, even if you’re usually bubbly. You’re allowed to feel anxious when dealing with uncertainty, whether someone’s watching or not.
You’re even allowed to cry if you feel overwhelmed, frustrated, confused, lonely, or any emotion that makes you feel like crying. And it could potentially help. Research has proven crying out negative feelings actually reduces harmful chemicals that build up in your body due to stress.
Instead of devoting your energy to pretending you feel fine—and explaining why it may seem otherwise—let yourself feel what you feel. And let people think what they want. They’re going to do it anyway. It’s just what people do.
Instead of explaining why you don’t seem perfect, or thinking you need to forgive yourself for it, let yourself be human without apologies. Everyone else is, too. No one is always together.
Sometimes it makes sense to explain yourself—when someone misunderstands, or when you hurt someone accidentally. But most often the only person who needs an explanation is you so you can understand, accept, and work through whatever is on your mind.
And then actually feel better, instead of just trying to look better.
Do happy. It’s something you’re due.
Photo here.
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