by Lori Deschene, Photo by loungerie
Sometimes when I’m alone doing something I love—writing, drawing, or practicing yoga, for example—I feel a sense of calm that I’d like to bottle for later when other people join the picture.
Many times throughout my life, I’ve allowed my happiness to fade because of something someone did or sad–or didn’t do or say. I’ve flip-flopped from bliss to anxiety at the drop of a dime, because someone didn’t like me. Or someone had excessive demands and I was too nice to say no. Or I thought I needed something from another person—that would do it. That would make me happy.
I suspect lots of people let other people dictate their happiness, at least occasionally. I’ve identified four ways people commonly do this, and three ideas to address each. Since it is a lot of information, I’ve split this into two posts, with the second coming tomorrow.
Pinning Your Happiness to Someone Else
“I’m miserable because I’m single.”
“I’m unhappy because my boyfriend won’t propose.”
“I can’t be happy because my parents refuse to help me out.”
Someone else—anyone else—holds the key to your bliss. It’s their fault your life isn’t like you want it to be. They take all the blame. They also have all the power. That’s the worst part of depending on other people to feel good about your life: you can’t predict or control what they’ll do, meaning your joy will always be fleeting.
What to Do About It:
1. Let the past remind you other people can’t make you happy. You’ve likely had other relationships. Other people have probably given you things you wanted before. Did that solve everything? Did your life suddenly become perfect? When you realize it has never worked that way, it’s easier to acknowledge it won’t in the future, either. Which then leads you to evaluate what you can do for yourself.
2. Identify the benefits of taking responsibility. It’s scary to take full responsibility for your happiness. If it’s all on you, you have to do something. Find your purpose. Fulfill your passions. Take initiative and keep doing it. It also means you can feel happy without depending on someone else. What better tool to have inside you then the power to make yourself feel good no matter who is in your life?
3. Consider the idea of impermanence in relationships. Not even marriage ensures someone will be in your life forever. Death or divorce could change everything—it’s just a fact of life. Do you really want to pin your joy to a moving target? Relationships are always in flux, and can end at any time. By finding joy within yourself, you set the stage for lasting bliss. What can you do today to tap into happiness?
Overextending Yourself to Please Everyone
“Sure, you can borrow my rent money.”
“I don’t mind if your grandmother comes on our date.”
“You need my car? OK. It’s no big deal if I miss my family reunion.”
Except you needed that money. And you really do mind—you planned that date for weeks. And your family matters more to you than anything else in the world. You try to please everyone, but it’s never enough. You hope everyone likes you, but many don’t respect you. The worst part: you don’t respect you, either.
What to Do About It:
1. Consider the benefits of letting people dislike you if that’s their choice. A while back I wrote a post for my blog called 10 Reasons It’s Awesome People Don’t Like You. You may find these ideas helpful in learning to say no with less guilt.
2. Don’t think about being liked; think about being respected. I am a major people pleaser. I want everyone to like me all the time, and it pains me when someone sees me in a negative light. When I want to say no but feel hesitant, I remember: that person may be annoyed with me in that moment, but eventually they will respect that I communicated what I need and want.
3. Focus on what you did right; not what you did wrong. If you feel bad that you didn’t drive your sister to work, think of everything you achieved by saying no. You gave yourself time to work on your art. You acknowledged how you felt even though it was tough. And maybe you motivated your sister to finally take her license test. Sometimes it benefits someone in the long run to hear no in the moment.
Some people fall into these patterns on occasion, whereas others live in a constant state of blaming and stressing about other people’s opinions. I know I’ve done my share of both. Both leave me feeling restless and out of control.
On some level, control is always an illusion. Very little is certain in this world. The only things we can control are: what we do, how we interpret things that happen to us, and how we respond to other people’s actions. It’s like Eleanor Roosevelt said:
“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”
Conversely, no one can make your happy. No one except for you.
Read Part 2 in this series here.
Lori Deschene, lead contributor, lives in the San Francisco Bay Area. Follow her on Twitter @lori_deschene.
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