Let Goby Christian A. Lugo

“Man cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore.” -Andre Gide

Frequently, I find myself thinking about the past, somewhat reliving the past. Not in an attempt to change what had happened, but to understand what happened.

Like most people, I’ve been hurt. For a long time, I held onto those aches and pains because I wasn’t sure how to handle them. I am someone who does not like conflict or confrontation—who would often rather suffer than deal with a problem.

A few years ago I found a way to deal with those emotions, in the rawest of manners: to act like they never occurred. I’d put on a facade that I was alright, and often ignore or overlook the person or thing that harmed me. I’d feel alright, but the problem still lay dormant. Eventually they’d come back to me when I was at my weakest and do more damage than they had before.

As you probably guessed, it’s often about love. Three girls come to mind.

The first girl I cared about was unsure of her feelings for me, and was often hot and cold. I ended up losing both a potential girlfriend and an amazing friend.  To deal with it, I ignored her and what we had.

The following summer, I met a girl from New Jersey at a party. We exchanged numbers, but I was living in South Carolina. After a year of talking, and sending letters and e-mails, I learned I’d be moving to New Jersey. It crushed me when she said, “I’d rather have you as an occasional thing—nothing permanent.” So I just cut off all connections with her.

In New Jersey, I met yet another girl who became a close friend and eventually my girlfriend. She pulled away from me in front of her friends—which made sense three months later when I learned she was seeing someone else. Someone she used to be with. Someone who used to hurt her, and still does.

I relive these memories over and over again. I try to remember who said what when, and what I felt in an attempt to understand and forgive.

The thing about getting hurt is that it’s a long process. It starts with a physical or emotional attachment, followed by a disturbance that makes it clear you have to let go, and eventually a phase where you have to accept what happened, try to understand, and start rebuilding yourself.

I did that with each of those girls. It helped to get out of my own head and empathize with their situations.

The friend who wasn’t sure what she felt for me, she’d just gotten out of a difficult relationship and was dealing with a lot of confusing feelings. The girl from New Jersey who didn’t want anything long-term came from a broken home and felt safe in distant relationships. And the last girl who stayed with the abusive guy—well letting him come back over and over was one of her flaws. As my father says, every egg has its cracks.

The past can be full of disappointment. The best mentality to have is that your past led you to where you stand at any given moment in time. That means you can now you can take your future in any direction you wish.

Everyone has their “shore.” The stories we relive in our head for understanding and closure. When we hold onto that shore, we can never grow or become better. Once we find the strength and courage to accept our past, we will then find new lands and new oceans.

I found it a lot easier to stay open to those new oceans after I realized: the human heart becomes a lot stronger after it breaks.

Photo here.

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