Toxic Friendships: Accepting, Forgiving, and Moving On

“Judge nothing, you will be happy. Forgive everything, you will be happier. Love everything, you will be happiest.” ~Sri Chinmoy

I used to have a friend who wasn’t good for me. She would put me down at every opportunity. If she saw me laughing and smiling, she would say something to bring me down. If she saw I was making progress, she would try to hold me back.

Sometimes, I’d hear about things she’d said behind my back. Or discover that she had been poisoning other people’s opinions about me. Even worse, I would find that she would tell others about my personal problems—things I’d discussed privately with her.

Obviously, I knew she wasn’t good for me. For a long time, I actually believed in her putdowns and thought there must be something wrong with me. But I tried very hard to rationalize her behavior because I cared about her.

I thought perhaps she hurt other people to lift her own spirits. Maybe she was just miserable and a lost soul herself. No matter what the reasons, I tried on many occasions to talk to her but her defenses would come up and she’d get angry.

In the end, I grew tired of her negativity, realized she was never going to change, shut her out of my life completely, and moved on.

Months, even years later, mutual friends mentioned her name, my heart would jump and I’d relive the pain.

All the old questions such as “Why was she so angry toward me?” and “What did I do wrong?” would re-emerge and I would torture myself.

For a long time I was extremely bitter and angry about what had happened. I used to fantasize about all the things I would say to her face when I next bumped into her. I’d imagine how great it would feel to really speak my mind.

But then, I saw the light. I realized that my former friend was suffering—just like we all are. I realized that she was unhappy.

It doesn’t matter how or why she was a bad friend. It matters that she wasn’t happy. It matters that I forgive. And it matters that I move on.

I also realized that if I continued to have negative feelings toward her, I would be poisoning myself and prolonging the suffering. I would be making myself unhappy when there really was no need to do it.

Today, I have forgiven my old friend. I am no longer angry or bitter toward her. I don’t take it personally when I still hear negative things she has said to mutual acquaintances. I don’t mind that she is still angry.

I only hope that she finds a way to make her life as positive and as amazing as possible. Don’t we wish that for all our friends?

Sadly, this issue of toxic friendships isn’t uncommon. I bet we all have people in our lives who leave us feeling miserable and drained of energy.

I also think that when we hang around with these characters, we hold ourselves back and increase our odds of becoming negative.

So what do we do? Do we abandon people if they’re bad for us? Or do we stick around to help them out?

The answer lies with the person in question. Only they can make the decision to become happy. It’s literally his or her choice, and no one else can force it.

In the meantime, all we can do is forgive them for their bad behavior and make ourselves happy by surrounding ourselves with positive people.

When we choose to associate with positive people, we tend to become happier and brighter and enjoy better lives.

But doesn’t this mean we give up on those negative friends? Surely, if we are to live a compassionate and kind-hearted life, shouldn’t we be there for them?

Maybe, if they acknowledge their bad behavior, apologize, and make an effort to change. Ultimately, we only want to let people in our lives if they’re prepared to be good friends.

In my case, I chose to move on. I have deliberately created a life that is full of interesting and positive people. My current friends are genuinely happy to see me happy.

They don’t get jealous if I’m successful; they encourage me. They don’t say horrible things about me behind my back; they say kind, loving things. They understand I’m not perfect and forgive me for my flaws. They make me laugh, and they enjoy seeing me happy.

This is what true friendship should be about.

If you choose to still hang around with bad friends, you can take comfort in the fact that they do make excellent teachers.

As the Dalai Lama said: “In the practice of tolerance, one’s enemy is the best teacher.” And Martin Luther King, Jr. once said: “Love is the only force capable of transforming an enemy into a friend.”

If you’re not ready to let go of an old friend who is bad for you, work hard to be there for them. Be patient and kind. Try to understand where they’re coming from.

If it becomes draining and their behaviors continue, it might be time to let go and move on. You wouldn’t wish to make any of your friends unhappy, so why harm yourself? Sometimes it’s better to understand that letting go is the only way.

When I think of my old friend, I only hope she is happy. Letting her go didn’t mean that I don’t care. It just means I want to be happy myself. That’s why it’s so important to forgive, love, and move on when you have to: We all deserve to be happy. We have the power to make it happen.

Photo by h.koppdelaney

About Katy Cowan

Katy Cowan is an author, journalist, and marketing professional based in the UK. She runs her own digital agency in Manchester and during her spare time she loves to help other creatives via her creative industries magazine Creative Boom.

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Did you enjoy this post? Please share the wisdom :)

maddy

What a lovely write up ……sometimes it is not very easy to walk away ….and still we need to let go …and then these articles help ..
http://twitter.com/ScorpioKiss ScorpioKiss

I love all of your post! This one really summarized my friendships for the last 3 years. When I was with these friends, I would just get so stressed out. I never knew what kind of drama to expect. What lies they would tell or what mess I would have to clean up. I started to cut out all the negative people out of my life one by one. Those who did not deserve my friendship any longer. I told myself, I deserve better. I don’t need many friends, just a few true ones.
http://www.boomerangpr.com Katy Cowan

This is difficult and very common. The thing is – you’re not going to like everyone, and everyone isn’t going to like you. So it’s a case of acceptance, i.e. accepting the other person and striving to find the good in that person. There is absolutely, without question, good in everyone. It’s not easy to dispel negative feelings towards people we don’t like but it’s a good practice of tolerance and kindness, I guess. Your mum should just work on her own reaction to this person, control it and turn it into something positive. Not easy, I know. But it might help.
http://www.boomerangpr.com Katy Cowan

Yes, it’s difficult isn’t it. It’s because we’re hurt and sometimes miss that friendship, and we wonder where it went so wrong. I think it’s important to remember that people aren’t perfect and that things sometimes don’t work out. It is hard to forgive when someone has done so many wrongs towards us. But one day, you will wake up and genuinely forgive – time is a great healer.
http://www.boomerangpr.com Katy Cowan

I think friends should be people who care about you, who make you laugh, who are just easy-going and who don’t place any demands on you. Friends are people you can go without seeing for six months and then pick up where you left off with ease. Friends should be fun.
http://www.boomerangpr.com Katy Cowan

It’s just a case of striving to have a life without ‘drama’. If bananas, for example, make you feel sick – you won’t eat them will you! So why hang around with people who cause bad feeling? It’s always better to surround yourself with people who make you feel great.
Shatondra Yauch

I had a best friend for 16 years that I had to let go three years ago. We had been friends since I was 8 years old, would talk about in High School how we’d end up in a nursing home together watching football. When I found out all the horrible things she had said about me behind my back to our friends and my fiance, even though she made fun of my hobbies, I forgave her, even tried to continue the friendship. But it was about what I could do for her rather than anything else and she admits that with no remorse. I just find it hard to believe. When I got married, I turned around, almost expecting her to be standing behind me as one of my brides maids but she wasn’t there. I feel like I was a bad friend even three years later but my husband assures me I wasn’t. This piece I consider the start of me finally accepting the decision that I made. Thank you.
ekanost

A really great post. This part particularly hit home for me : But doesn’t this mean we give up on those negative friends? Surely, if we are to live a compassionate and kind-hearted life, shouldn’t we be there for them?
I struggle with the idea of “giving up” on people I care about. But ultimately, if these individuals are causing us pain, we can still care about them and wish them well without allowing them to permeate our lives with negativity. I’ve found that there are different levels of toxic, so there are some friends who I only share certain parts of my life with, the parts where I know they can’t hurt me.
Tracy

I totally agree. I’m trying to do the same — just saying no thanks to things rather than making an excuse of why not — and I’ve noticed that it has bled over into all areas of my life and feel like being truthful works best. Sometimes honesty hurts but for me being lied to hurts more, particularly if it is coming from someone I trust and consider a friend. I get that friendships ebb and flow, but if I were being the toxic friend, I would want to know. In fact, the friendships I value the most in my life are the ones with people who have been honest and loving enough to point out when I behaving poorly. Not saying any of this is easy but I think it is worth striving for.
J.Manik

You are right maddy, these articles are wake up calls for us to accept what we know in our heart is the best to do… but because of fear of any kind we deny it…
http://www.facebook.com/thequeenherself Jaspreet Kaur

Loved it.
Just what I needed to hear/read from someone at this moment.
Thank you Thank you Thank you. :)
Rebecca

Thank you, thank you, thank you! I am dealing with letting go of toxic people in both romantic and platonic situations. I have a friend that I have had for years that does nothing but try to engage me in competitiveness and one-upmanship. I am not a competitive person by nature and letting go of a friendship that causes me so much stress and unhappiness is hard because we have a lot of memories together. I am also letting go of a romantic relationship with someone who is deeply troubled and unhappy. It’s hard for me, because I think I can make people happy. I just wrote in my own journal today that I am not responsible for making anyone happy but myself. I can enhance the lives of people who are already happy, as my good friends enhance mine, but that is totally different from making someone happy, like themselves, have higher self-esteem, etc.
BG

For some time I tried to figure out why a friend of mine was always so angry with me. Each time she saw me she hardly ever failed to criticize my hair, my table manners, my conversational style, or to let me know that she thought I was a know it all. Within the last year she just became meaner and ruder. After talking to a couple of people who happened to not be in my regular circle of friends, they helped me to see exactly what you described in this post. I was not necessarily doing anything wrong; my friend’s unhappiness was increasing because of circumstances she allowed in her life. She would become very defensive when I tried to have talks with her. I saw her “cut out” other longterm friendships over minor misspoken/misinterpreted words that she blew up to be gigantic insults. I am saddened to have lost this friendship, but I feel more at peace knowing that I will not have to deal with her behavior. I know that her behavior stems from her inability to appropriately address and resolve her own problems. I wish her well.
Spring

thank you Katy !
http://www.facebook.com/ariesbijoux Janine L. Douglas

I couldn’t agree more. A lot of times toxic relationships can create so much damage to your own self-esteem that you don’t even believe you can leave and that you should do everything you can to help and make things right. And that is not good. When you get to this point, its time to let go.
kellyhogaboom

I liked this post.

People can’t “make” me feel anything. They can behave recklessly or rudely or even cruelly, but I must take responsibility for my thoughts and my strategies in dealing with them.

I believe everyone is doing the best they can for the day. It is easier for me to forgive today because I recognize that I too have been, and can be, the perpetrator, the one who lashes out.
Pree

I can really relate to ur story especially about normalising bad behaviour. Like u I still have a special place in my heart for him & I still miss him quite often but I keep telling myself I deserve better.. It was especially hard for me as I couldn’t imagine how he could treat me so bad when I was so good to him & basically did whatever he wanted. But those are his issues I guess. Thanks for posting as I know I’m not alone in this & people can relate.
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000638362807 Julie Lombardo

yes.. thank you both! ♥
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000638362807 Julie Lombardo

i once would have agreed with you and have done my best to do that for most of my life.. unfortunately it hasn’t worked and it has taken a toll on me to be attacked time and again. there are limits to the abuse anyone should take for the sake of their family and in my case i have to chose between them and being the very best me i can be for my children. i think it’s okay to walk away from family when it is toxic.. however sad it’s okay.
http://www.facebook.com/melissa.celiano Melissa Celiano

This is/was very ironic I’m reading this now b/c… sometimes I think I’m hanging onto what may be a “toxic” friendship and hurts to think of letting it go. I have done my best with this person at advicing, being there, supporting, Forgiving, & just Loving yet they don’t always return that & I don’t feel they care to at times- that hurts. :/
Originaldoodoo65

Needed this so badly….. I need to just forgive & let it go!
Sujatha Gnaneswaran

If we have the time and are emotionally strong then we can try to convert a potentially toxic friendship by working it out with the person. But most times, especially when we have to self analyze or take a time out from this ‘friend’ just to heal, then its time to say bye. In the long run we have to remind ourselves that its not our responsibility to shoulder our friends toxicity(however be their situation, duty starts from the self and taking care of ourselves is the first step towards taking care of others) and letting go is the best thing for both. I have been in a toxic friendship/ relationship and this is something I learned the hard way
commentgal8

Great article. So many headliners on toxic friendships are just nasty and stereotype different “types” of bad friends. We’ve probably all been “toxic” at some point ourselves so being nasty about “toxic” friends is counterproductive, but this approach is so much healthier. I had to do a lot of caregiving as a kid, and I now just expect that that’s my role, it’s what I’m supposed to do, and I’m not allowed to have needs of my own, like I exist to help others. Now that I’m “waking up” and realizing how I had allowed people to drain me without asking/needing anything in return, I’m setting the boundaries and letting friendship die naturally where they were unhealthy/imbalanced. Sadly I’ve often found that once I stop bending over backward for draining people and/or start asking for them to meet some of my needs for a change, they’re happy to drop the friendship. But then when I respect myself and my needs, as well as others, I attract more people who are capable of having real friendships and enjoy my time with them more than I ever thought was possible for friends! People treat you exactly how you allow them to treat you; and even though it’s not about going around and demanding respect, it IS ok to graciously let people roll on by and off your skin if they don’t show you the respect we all deserve as human beings.
Jewish Princess

Oh wow, I know Exactly what you’re going through! I too, had a so-called girlfriend from gradeschool, we met at the age of ten or so and had many life experiences together, first boyfriends, first kisses with boys and eventually first husbands then ex husbands as time went on, all along, she would always want to date my ex boyfriends from the time we were in grade school to the present and that was something I never could understand. I always tried to overlook her jealousies toward me as she had been kidnapped and raped as a child an I’m sure that affected her deeply and I allowed that to be the reason why she would abuse me. The last straw was at our ages 52, my mother passed away recently and my so-called girlfriend started making hurtful innuendos as to how I could stand myself after all my mother and my relationship had been difficult, and I finally decided to cut her off, by that time I was no longer taking her calls or text messages so she started contacting my son and my ex (my sons father) on Facebook to try and give him Negative comments about me, until my son reported her and I got off Facebook and had to change my phone number. Once I did that I sighed a Big Sigh Of Relief! Suffice it to say that the girlfriend I thought I had of over 40 years was just Bondage and once I cut the cord I became a happier person. In spite of the pain she caused me, I’m grateful for the happier times we shared as kids and I forgive the toxic person she became and wish her well, I believe The Bible calls that Unevenly Yoked.
J

Excellent post Katy. Recently this year, I have decided to let go of a couple of friends that I have grown up with. My relationship with them was toxic, and my life the past year was in turmoil with them trying to bring me down every chance that they had. I think the hardest thing for me to come to terms to is that people change, and perhaps they will never come back. But this year, I grew sick of being treated horribly, and I simply shut them out of my life. I still have class with one of them this year as well. I can see that at times he is trying to bring back our friendship. But I will never turn back. This is the first time I have ever chosen to stick to my guns because for the first time, I have realized how terrible I felt around them. They will be forever gone in my life because even if I can forgive them, I will never forget. To anyone reading this (though I doubt it), if you have someone like that in your life, perhaps you should simply cut them off. It’s not worth it, at least it sure wasn’t for me then or for me now. It feels weird for me to post something like this (I rarely make comments on the internet EVER), but now it’s too late to stop. I even feel a slight sense of pride, knowing perhaps, by the slimmest of chance, that I am helping someone out there. Good luck out there, and please, life is too short to worry about the people who shouldn’t matter.
Isis

During my senior year at college, I moved into an 8 person suite on campus with my friends. The 7 of us thought it would be good and a lot of fun. Unfortunately, after September and as October began passing, I noticed a change in all of them. I had been busy with schoolwork (as I’m a Senior, a few others are too, but I have projects that take hours to complete, some group projects and others solo).

Anyways, they began distancing themselves. I would still sit int he room I shared with my friend and roommate with my door open even if I was doing homework that I could do while at the dorm. Then, they stopped asking me if I wanted to go out and get food or go to an event on campus. I thought it strange but then it began getting worse.

I was the President of the club we were all in, my roommate was the Vice President. I would do things that benefited the club and club members but they didn’t always like what I did. Then as we prepared for our Halloween event, it got worse. Between Columbus Day and Halloween was when it got worse. They began calling me names and wanted me impeached. All behind my back.

My Roommate (who I roomed with last year and was very very close to) began taking their sides or saying nothing at all. There was one girl, who would be considered the ‘Leader’ of the group. She got everyone to follow her in the suite and I was called names, among other things. I hated being there. It began to drive me into a deep depression and I would avoid my room unless I had to go there to sleep.

Eventually, come a Monday morning right before Halloween, I went to the Housing Office at 7:30 and got a room request change and moved later that day. I told my roommate right before I moved out that I was moving out. But before I got the chance, she began criticizing me about how poor I was being President of the Club. After she finished, I told her I was moving okay and all she said was “Okay”. A few mutual friends between my suite mates and I helped me move out. I couldn’t even stand to spend another minute there if I didn’t have to. During the move, the friends (who did not live in the suite) who were helping me move, heard my suite mates talking badly about me, I didn’t hear as I was concentrated on packing up everything quickly.

I survived the rest of the semester going to club and then stepping down at the end because I didn’t want to deal with the stress because this Spring semester is my last semester. Now I do sometimes see them around campus and I ignore them if they’re a distance away, but if I’m near them (such as some of the eatery places) I cringe and grab my food and quickly hurry to the cashier (or even turn around and leave without eating) so I don’t have to deal with them. If I’m with other people, I’m fine, but when I’m by myself, I just remember how terrible they made me feel.

I’m still trying to get over what happened. I never expected that people I considered friends, that I hung out with, would all gang up on me at once. I don’t talk to them and I’ve deleted and blocked them from social sites. Sometimes I’ll remember how they treated me then remember now I have a nice place and that there are people who treat me nice, but the feeling returns.

I know that I wont have to worry about it until after I graduate, but that’s still a few months away.
Mitsy

This is pretty much what I’ve had to do with a former once close friend. We are still co-workers a couple days a week (which makes the letting go process hard) but her bad behavior has continued off/on for a couple years now. She has a controlling boyfriend & I know that she has let friendships go in order to do what he wants & be at his beckon call. Like another poster suggested, she isn’t happy either but after trying to talk to her several times & being shut out, you simply quit. The person you’re trying to help will end up making you the bad one instead of the one actually causing them grief. I still mourn this friendship but would be able to fully heal if I didn’t have to see her at our part-time job.
Mitsy

In my situation with my former friend, I was there for her through cancer & another surgery. She got limited support from her family & her guy on both of those health issues. Actually, her guy was not there at all for her when she had her surgery. I was the one to pick her up from the hospital yet she has forgotten all of that apparently. She’s still with this controlling man & hangs on to him for dear life. She has chosen him over any friendships she might have because he doesn’t want her to be too close to any female friends -that is quite clear to me.
Mitsy

I think we can help but if we had KNOWN, we could have perhaps played our cards differently. In my case, I had always been the one to carry the relationship, made more phone calls & reached out much more than she did. I just never imagined that she’d let a guy come between us but that is what she did & continues to do. She shares very little about her private life w/me anymore. On some level, I think she knows I have her guy’s M.O. & that I’m smarter about her whole situation, thus the reason she won’t talk to me about her private life anymore. She’s a miserable person & I can plainly see that even when she pretends that all is well.
DIANE ELIZABETH

THIS ARTICLE WAS SO RIGHT ON THE MONEY. I HAD NO IDEA THERE WERE SO MANY OTHER PEOPLE WHO I CAN RELATE TO. I HAVE A BEST FRIEND WHO CRIES WOLF 24/7 FOR 15 YEARS SHE TELLS STRANGERS THE REASON SHE HAS THIS CYST IS BECAUSE OF PROBLEMS WITH HER FAMILY BLAH BLAH. SHE CANT HANDLE IT WHEN I BUY SOMETHING SHE BUYS IT TOO JUST SO MUCH BS TO ADD TO THIS . THINKING ABOUT THIS MAKES ME ILL. WASTING MY TIME ON HER. JUST GLAD THERE’S PEOPLE OUT THERE THAT CAN RELATE . ANYONE IN LA AREA SEND ME A TEXT MAYBE WE CAN DO COFFEE.
Kati2007

Ty for this. I recently ended a toxic friendship with a friend with alcohol issues. I wondered for a while if it was me. A year ago I lost another friend to cancer. I think I wanted this friendship to work out so badly I didn’t care about myself or feelings or bad judgement. At the end of the day I got burned and told that I was the one that needed help.
Elizabeth

I am so glad I came across this article as it really put things into perspective for me. I took that difficult step to slowly let go of my friendship with my best friend. I didn’t realise what I was doing – all I knew was that I couldn’t deal with her demanding nature and cutting words. It had been going on for some time, but what made me take that step was because of a petty argument. That argument, made me think of a lot of things about our friendship. I spent a lot of time thinking about her behaviour towards me and I decided one day to just keep my distance from her. She figured out that I was unsettled about something but she never did more to save our friendship. It hit me hard as all this while whenever she gave me the silent treatment or was plain difficult to deal with, I was the one who made sure we were okay again.

We didn’t talk for months after the argument and I knew that the friendship was over. Still, I didn’t want it to be that way between us and I called her up one day. This was a little over a year ago. Now, we are more like acquaintances than the best friends we used to be. I last talked to her months ago and I haven’t seen her over a year – though we live only two minutes away. Sometimes, I still regret taking that first step to end our friendship. Memories of what we were like still play in my mind. However, I know that all that happened was for the best. Without her around me, I now know how much she had impacted my life. I have a different set of good friends now, but none I am close to as I was with her. When people compliment me on my looks or hair, I get surprised as she used to make degrading comments to me about those. I find it an achievement that I have several good friends now, as she used to tell me that I could never make new friends. I’m not saying that all was bad with her – she could be amazing at times and I enjoyed spending time with her – which made it difficult for me to realise how toxic she had become. We could laugh and talk for hours but at the same time, she could mercilessly point out my flaws. She could tell me I was great and put me down as well. She would constantly pull me into arguments. As much as I loved her company, it made me prickly too. Being friends with her was like an emotional rollercoaster. I never knew when we would fight or be alright.

I am still learning to properly forgive and let go of her. When some of my friends talk about her or when I think of how we used to be like, I still feel a bit of pain. Maybe we could run into each other and be friends again but if that didn’t happen, I wouldn’t be sorry either. I’m moving on and I completely will one day.
nick payne

thank you so much, i needed to read this. it’s exactly what i’ve been figuring out this year, and here it is, all put into words. i have a room-mate right now which is almost identical to how you describe… i know the right thing to do, is to practice patience, and that’s what i’ve been doing. thank you.
http://www.weareboomerang.com/ Katy Cowan

Hi there – I think life is about chapters. We grow, we change, we move on. Sometimes we have to put people down and pick up new ones. Even though those old friends might not be right for us now, we shouldn’t close our hearts completely to them. Other people can grow, change and move on too. I think the best piece of advice anyone ever gave me came from my husband. He said something like ‘Now is all we have, so don’t dwell on the past or worry about what’s happening next – just focus on that person right at that moment!’ He’s right of course. None of us are perfect. But most of us are improving, growing and getting better at dealing with ourselves and others. So if you did bump into your old pal again – and she seemed nice and open to being friendly, that’s great! Keep an open heart and try not to let past experiences cloud the vision of what’s happening at that very moment. Oh so difficult – but won’t you feel great for keeping an open mind?