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“Open minds lead to open doors.” ~Unknown

We start forming opinions at an early age, and continue all through life.

We decide what we think is right and wrong, what’s good and what’s bad. Not just on a larger scale (our religion, politics, ethics) but also in every-day interactions.

How people should act. What people should think in certain situations. What it’s OK to feel and express, and when it’s smart or polite to do so.

We develop ideas about how the world should be to support our beliefs and views–things we learned from our environment and experiences–and inevitably feel a sense of internal conflict when a person or situation doesn’t fall in line.

They won’t always. In fact, they won’t more often than they will.

Sometimes our opinions have nothing to do with fact, logic or common sense. It’s just a matter of what feels right. What our gut tells us, because our gut’s always right. Isn’t that what we’ve been told? To trust our instincts against all odds? We don’t often stop to consider what educated our gut; when we learned what to trust and what to fear.

That’s usually what it comes down to. What’s familiar and safe and supports our sense of order; versus what’s unknown and unpredictable and reminds us how little we can control.

The reality is there’s very little we can control. No matter how orderly a world we create around us, things will sometimes happen that hurt us. No matter how big a distance we place between ourselves and people we don’t understand, they will affect us directly or indirectly–and likely for the worse if they feel judged.

It’s not realistic to suggest we should all completely abandon the concept of good and bad. In fact, it’s a neurological impossibility. Research actually shows that we use conflicting experiences to form value judgments, and then subconsciously predict situations that may cause us trouble in the future in response to brain activity (in the insula cortex, which helps to process emotions).

It’s instinctive to protect ourselves. The only problem is we sometimes sense danger where there isn’t any there just because we’re scared or don’t understand. And in doing so, we limit ourselves, our experiences, and our impact on the world.

Follow your gut if you feel threatened. But stay open to the possibility there’s something you don’t know. The world’s a far more beautiful place when you see it with eyes that want to understand.

Do happy. It’s something you’re due.

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by Lori Deschene

“To cure jealousy is to see it for what it is: a dissatisfaction with self.” ~Joan Didion

I like to think of myself as a realist. I realize it sounds good to recommend fighting jealousy with gratitude. As in, “Don’t dwell on what you don’t have—just count your blessings!”

I recognize that this is a wise suggestion, and that we’d all be happy if we could just focus of the abundance in front of us.

But I also realize this isn’t a complete solution.

We’re wired for look for two things in life:

• Solutions to problems—physically, emotionally, spiritually, and professionally.
• More—more meaning, more passion, more fun, more recognition; the list goes on and on.

We progress as a society because we’re ever mindful of ways to improve how we function, communicate and produce. This underlies almost everything we do, from interacting in personal relationships to initiating mergers within our companies.

We solve problems by identifying them. That usually means focusing on what’s lacking—and the most accessible way to do that is to observe other people. Or in simpler terms, shaping your own sense of lack based on someone else’s gain.

Is jealousy a path to happiness? In itself, no. Sitting around wanting what other people have gets you nowhere in life. But it’s a natural human instinct, and we all deal with it at one time or another.

So instead of suggesting envy is shameful—and you should fight it by acknowledging you’re already fortunate—I have a few suggestions to channel it for growth and personal gain:

1. Make your jealousy smarter.

The Dalai Lama said sometimes not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck. I agree. We often have no idea what we really want. We know what looks good on paper. We know what we should want, according to society. But often when you’re jealous of someone else, it has nothing to do with what they have.  It’s about how you assume having that would make you feel.

Let’s say you’re jealous of your neighbor’s money—his massive house, fast car, and status. You probably assume it makes him feel proud, accomplished and important. Odds are you’re not jealous of his 65-hour workweek. Or the limited time he has for personal relationships. Or the bills that would be overwhelming and stressful if something happened to his income.

Take your jealousy and target it. Are you jealous because someone else has something you want, or because you want to feel better and assume they do?

2. Let your jealousy hone your wants.

After you realize other people don’t necessarily have everything you think you want, the next logical step is to figure out what that really is. What is it you really envy? Your sister’s boyfriend, or a sense of belonging? Your cousin’s job, or a sense of accomplishment? Your uncle’s schedule, or a sense of adventure?

You can have everything you want in life if identify specifically what those things are, and accept they may look different for you than they do for someone else.

Once you determine happiness looks exactly like so-and-so’s life, or accomplishment looks just like so-and-so’s career, you’ve painted yourself into a corner of improbability. Instead of opening yourself to possibilities your mind can’t yet conceive, you attach yourself to a specific vision someone else created.

Figure out what you want and let it be personal to you.

3. Let jealousy make you honest.

Whether you want to feel a certain way, accomplish something, or have something you don’t have, the question remains the same: what’s stopping you? What are you waiting for in creating it?

Is it really about the obstacles you face? Or are your fears holding you back? Is it really about your limitations, or are you dealing with some type of resistance? Do you actually believe you can have it? Or do you think you’re not smart enough, knowledgeable enough, or well-connected to make it happen?

When jealousy gets toxic it’s usually because you want something you don’t believe you can have. Get to the root of that belief. What’s standing in your way?

4. Let your jealousy fuel your work ethic.

Even if the person you’re jealous of doesn’t have the perfect life you imagine they do, the fact remains you’re not fully happy with your current circumstances. You’re feeling dissatisfied, and making yourself feel bad about it instead of using it.

Want something more? Go get it. Get proactive, get motivated, and get going.

Make a plan. Tell a friend. Take a step. Commit to the process. Measure your progress. Connect with people. Stay flexible. Push through resistance. Counter objections. Move through fear. Tune out negative people. Fight perfectionism. Keep yourself motivated. And whatever you do, keep going.

—

The great paradox of life, I have found, is that life happens now; but we feel most alive and meaningful when we’re working toward something bigger than ourselves.

I think it’s possible to accept, appreciate and enjoy everything you have today while pushing yourself to make tomorrow better for both you and other people. You don’t have to be a Zen master to find this place of optimal enjoyment and creation.

You can be a human being, with human feelings, both positive and negative; and use it all to become better, more focused, and happier—in the present, and as a natural extension, in the future.

UPDATE: Thank you to readers who have highlighted my error in using envy and jealousy interchangeably. While I intended to discuss envy–not jealousy, with the resentment it entails–I believe they both stem from a dissatisfaction with self; and that addressing that can turn something negative into something positive.

Interested in contributing? Read our submission guidelines and drop us a line at email @ tinybuddha.com.

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by Lori Deschene

“Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them, humanity cannot survive.” ~Dalai Lama

Though Valentine’s Day is right around the corner, this is not a post about romance. It’s about any relationship–with your brother, your mother, your coworker, your friend.

And I admit I am not an expert.

I’ve made a million and one mistakes in relationships. I’ve expected too much. Or not asked for what I needed in fear of rocking the boat. I’ve been competitive. I’ve been suspisious. I’ve been dependent. I’d like to think what redeems me from all these mistakes is that I’ve also been honest.

Being self aware, in my opinion, is far more valuable than being perfect–mostly because the former is attainable and helpful, while the latter is neither.

Relationships are not easy. They mirror everything we feel about ourselves and the way the world works. When you’ve had a bad day, the people around you seem difficult. When you’re not happy with yourself, your relationships seem to be lacking.

If you’ve ever gotten in a fight, only to find yourself wondering what you were really upset about, this post may help you. If you’ve ever been disappointed because someone didn’t meet your expectations, this post may help you, too. Feel walked on and unheard? You guessed it–there’s likely something in here that will help you change that.

We don’t live in a vacuum. We have thoughts and feelings that can be confusing. Other people do, too. And just like in the movie Crash, they don’t always collide smoothly.

When I apply these ideas–which I do better sometimes than others–I feel confident, strong, compassionate, and peaceful  in my interactions. I hope they can do the same for you.

1. Do what you need to do for you.

Everyone has personal needs, whether it’s going to the gym after work or taking some alone time on Saturday morning. If someone asks you to do something and your instinct is to honor you own need, do that. I’m not saying you can’t make sacrifices sometimes, but it’s important to make a habit of taking care of yourself. (More on this: 10 Ways to Balance Self Interest & Sacrifice).

Someone once told me people are like glasses of water. If you don’t do what you have to do to keep your glass full, you’ll need to take it from someone else–which leaves them half full. Fill your own glass so you can feel whole and complete in your relationships.

2. Give people the benefit of the doubt.

It’s tempting to doubt people. To assume your boyfriend meant to hurt you by not inviting you out with his friends, or your friend meant to make you feel inadequate by flaunting her money. People who care about you want you to feel happy, even if sometimes they get too wrapped up in their own problems to show it well.

Sometimes they may be hurtful and mean it–let’s not pretend we’re all angels. But that won’t be the norm. It will likely be when they’re hurting and don’t know what to do with it. Odds are they’ll feel bad and apologize later. If you want to get good will, share it by seeing the best in the people you love. When you assume the best you often inspire it.

3. Look at yourself for the problem first.

When you feel unhappy with yourself, it’s easy to find something wrong in a relationship. If you blame another person for what you’re feeling, the solution is on them. But this is actually faulty logic. For starters, it gives them all the control. And secondly, it usually doesn’t solve the problem since you didn’t actually address the root cause.

Next time you feel the need to blame someone for your feelings–something they did or should have done–ask yourself if there’s something else going on. You may find there’s something underlying: something you did or should have done for you. Take responsibility for the problem and you have power to create a solution.

4. Be mindful of projecting.

In psychology, projecting refers to denying your own traits and then ascribing them to the outside world or other people. For example, if you’re not a loyal and trusting friend, you may assume your friends are all out to get you. It’s a defense mechanism that allows you to avoid the discomfort of acknowledging your weaknesses. There’s no faster way to put a rift in your relationships.

This comes back to down to self awareness, and it’s hard work. Acknowledging your flaws isn’t fun; but if you don’t, you’ll continue seeing them in everyone around you. And you’ll continue to hurt. Next time you see something negative in someone else, ask yourself if it’s true for you. It might not be–but if it is, identifying it can help create peace in that relationship.

5. Choose your battles.

Everyone knows someone who makes everything a fight. If you question them about something, you can expect an argument. If you comment on something they did, you’ll probably get yelled at. Even a compliment could create a confrontation. Some people just like to fight–maybe to channel negativity they’re carrying around about the world or themselves.

On the one hand, you have to tell people when there’s something bothering you. That’s the only way to address problems. On the other hand, you don’t have to let everything bother you. When I’m not sure if I need to bring something up, I ask myself these few questions:

• Does this happen often and leave me feeling bad?
• Does this really matter in the grand scheme of things?
• Can I empathize with their feelings instead of dwelling on my insecurity?

6. Confront compassionately and clearly.

When you attack someone, their natural instinct is to defend themself–which gets you nowhere. You end up having a loud conversation where two people do their best to prove they’re right and the other one is wrong. It’s rarely that black and white. It’s more likely you both have points, but you’re both too stubborn to meet in the middle.

If you approach someone with compassion, you will open their hearts and minds. Show them you understand where they’re coming from, and they’ll be willing to see your side. That gives you a chance to express yourself and your expectations clearly. And when you let people know what you need at the right time in the right way, they’re more likely to give that to you.

7. Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable.

There are all kinds of ways you can feel vulnerable in relationships: When you express your feelings for someone else. When you’re honest about yourself or your past. When you admit you made a mistake. People don’t always do these things because they want to maintain a sense of power.

Power allows you a superficial sense of control, whereas true, vulnerable being allows you a sense of authenticity. That’s love: being your true self and allowing someone else to do the same without letting fear and judgment tear it down. It’s like Jimi Hendrix said, “When the power of love overcomes the love of power the world will know peace.” I discussed this more in-depth in 5 Rules for Life.

8. Think before acting on emotion.

This one is the hardest for me. As soon as I feel hurt, frustrated, or angry, I want to do something with it–which is always a bad idea. I’ve realized my initial emotional reaction does not always reflect how I really feel about something. Initially, I might feel scared or angry–but once I calm down and think things through, I often realize I overreacted.

When you feel a strong emotion, try to sit it for a while. Don’t use it or run from it–just feel it. When you learn to observe your feelings before acting on them, you minimize the negativity you create in two ways: you process, analyze, and deal with feelings before putting them on someone else; and you communicate in a way that inspires them to stay open instead of shutting down.

9. Maintain boundaries.

When people get close, boundaries can get fuzzy. In a relationship without boundaries, you let the other person manipulate you into doing things you don’t want to do. You act out of guilt instead of honoring your needs. You let someone offend you without telling them how you feel about it. The best way to ensure people treat you how you want to be treated is to teach them.

That means you have to love and respect yourself enough to do that: to acknowledge what you need, and speak up. The only way to truly have loving, peaceful relationships is to start with a loving, peaceful relationship with yourself. This is a huge topic; if it resonates with you, I recommend this wonderful article (yes, on Oprah’s website) that explains how to set personal boundaries.

10. Enjoy their company more than their approval.

When you desperately need someone’s approval, your relationship becomes all about what they do for you: how often they stroke your ego, how well they bring you up when you feel down, how well they mitigate your negative feelings. This is draining for another person; and it  creates an unbalanced relationship.

If you notice yourself dwelling on pleasing someone else or getting their approval, realize you’re creating that need. (Unless you’re in an abusive relationship, in which case I highly recommend getting help.) Instead of focusing on what you can get from that person, focus on enjoying yourselves together. Oftentimes the best thing you can do for yourself and someone else is let go and give yourself permission to smile.

What do you do to create peaceful, loving relationships?

Want to contribute a post? Send it to email @ tinybuddha.com.

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“When someone receives us with open-hearted, non-judging, intensely interested listening, our spirits expand.” ~Sue Patton Theole

Whether you’re talking to your mother or your coworker, odds are you don’t always give your complete attention without formulating thoughts of your own. Even the most Zen person sometimes waits to talk instead of really listening.

It happens all the time.

As your sister recounts her afternoon and the hassle she encountered at the DMV, you feel the temptation to interrupt and one-up her—your afternoon was even crazier.

While your boyfriend tells you about his interview, you half-listen and half prepare your own monologue, entitled My Long Day at the Office.

And let’s not forget your daughter’s after-school recap, when it takes everything inside you to not finish her sentence, rush her to the point, and start doling out chores. Without realizing it, you’ve given a subtle cue she doesn’t deserve your time and full attention.

When you focus your energy on planning what to say next, you don’t completely hear what someone’s saying—meaning you respond to them without digesting their words first. Instead of staying open, allowing their story maximum impact, you listen halfheartedly so you’ll have your turn, and hopefully their agreement or approval.

After all, that’s what we all want: a sense that we’re heard, our feelings make sense, and we have a right to feel them.

Why not give that gift to someone else before seeking it for yourself?

It’s challenging to stop thinking about our lives long enough to focus on someone else’s. And it may seem counterintuitive—how can you converse if you don’t process what someone else says and considerate it within the context of your own reality?

It’s not so much a matter of shutting off your mind as it is learning to focus your attention. To actively listen without judging or drifting so you can respond from a place of clarity. To quell your instinct to switch the subject when that person you care about would appreciate just a little more of your time.

When you resist the urge to compare or compete, and refrain from forming opinions, you let other people know you care about what they have to say. Not just because it gives you an excuse to talk about yourself, but because you value their thoughts and learn from them.

In the process, you also give yourself a break from worrying, analyzing, and judging—a brief flicker in time to let everything go and just absorb the world around you.

In that way you benefit twofold from forgetting yourself for a while.

Do happy. It’s something you’re due.

• Look Longer
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Read all Do Happy tips here. Photo here.

“Could a greater miracle take place than for us to look through each other’s eyes for a minute?” ~Henry David Thoreau

You’re riding on the subway, immersed in a book. You’re running in the park, lost in your iPod. You’re waiting in line at Starbucks, fixated on the menu.

Sometimes we act like we’re completely alone, even when  surrounded by lots of people. It’s like we’re following an unspoken rule that suggests we shouldn’t look at each other, at least not for too long.

It happens all the time: you suddenly make eye contact with someone you don’t know, and your discomfort compels you to avert your eyes. If you do manage a smile, it’s probably perfunctory, without real joy and affection behind it. Those are emotions you reserve for people you  know–people you’re more intimate with.

Some studies have indicated people who live in cities are less apt to make eye contact with strangers than people who live in suburbs. This may be a response to crowding; when you feel you don’t have enough personal space, you’re more protective of it.

If there’s truth to that hypothesis, it’s somewhat ironic. You move to a city to experience the life that pulsates through it; and respond by shutting down in everyday situations.

Resist the urge to shutdown. Instead of walking with your eyes glued to your feet, hold your head high and connect with people. Really see them and let them see you. If you’re not a confident person, connecting for more than one second may feel incredibly difficult. Just try.

When you make a genuine connection you acknowledge the person in front of you is real and worthy. You remind both them and yourself that no one operates in a vacuum. That the world is so much larger than the constructs we operate within: our families, our teams at work, our friends. And lastly, you foster the type of spirit that stays open to possibilities.

When you look a little longer you see more–more in other people, more within yourself, and more within your reach. 

Do happy. It’s something you’re due.

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by Lori Deschene

“Enjoy the little things, for one day you make look back and realize they were the big things.” ~Robert Brault

I believe life is in the details. Ongoing small gestures can mean so much more than one grand display of love. Simple pleasures throughout the day can be far more gratifying that one amazing weekend. When you connect the dots between all these little joys, life seems fuller and more satisfying.

I’ve created a list of all the little things that fill me with bliss. Here’s what I’ve got so far:

1. Breakfast in bed. You don’t need someone to bring it to you—just make it and then curl back up with your duvet!

2. Cuddling in bed in the morning. A body pillow isn’t quite the same as someone you love, but sometimes it just feels good to hold something in your arms.

3. A smile from a stranger; give one and you may get one.

4. Children playing, reminding you to be joyful. Pass the park on the way home.

5. A small gesture of kindness from someone who loves you. The remote control your husband handed over—now that’s love.

6. Your music, when you want it. Pull out your iPod and enjoy.

7. An outdoor lunch. Nothing invigorates a day like the feeling of sunlight on your face.

8. Five minutes of deep breathing.

9. An embrace that lasts just a little longer than usual. Give someone an uncomfortably long hug today!

10. A small victory. Can you fix that leaky faucet on your own?

11. A small change to your routine to make your day feel exciting.

12. An opportunity to be creative. Don’t wait for one—make one. Start a journal or a scrapbook, or get creative a routine task at work to make it more exciting.

13. A snack or beverage you savor. You know how that girl in the commercial seems to get way too much pleasure from a foamy latte she made at home? That girl could be you.

14. The moment after the rain stops. Everything smells clean, fresh, and revitalized.

15. A deep stretch. The benefits of loosening your muscles exceed enhanced relaxation. Check out Nursing Degree’s 77 Surprising Health Benefits of Yoga for a little food for thought.

16. A beautiful sunset or sunrise. Nothing is more inspirational that tuning into nature’s majesty.

17. Playing a game you loved as a child. Pull out Candyland and tap into the simplicity of childhood.

18. An extra half-hour of sleep. Hit the sack a little earlier one night and see how this changes your day.

19. A spa-like shower experience. Remember that commercial reference I made before? You too can get way too excited washing your hair with Herbal Essences shampoo.

20. A thoughtful question from a friend. When she asks, “What’s your favorite childhood memory?” she’s trying to learn what makes you happy. How beautiful that she cares to know.

21. Fresh, organic food. Organic food has higher nutrient levels and lower pesticide residues—and it often tastes better than non-organic food.

22. A 5-minute massage. Ask your husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend to trade. Or if you’re single, get a spa pedicure in one of those amazing massage chairs.

23. A long phone conversation, like you used to have in junior high. Curl up with your cell, call a dear friend, and start reminiscing.

24. 10 minutes with an animal. Petting an animal is actually quite meditative. If you don’t have a pet, head to your local dog park and make a new furry friend.

25. An extra dollar in your pocket. Bring lunch from home and put your usual lunch money aside for a rainy day.

26. Finding money you didn’t know you had. Leave a ten in your coat pocket and then forget about it. Future you will be pretty psyched.

27. Receiving a hand-written letter. Become a pen pal—even if it’s to someone you know in person—so you can both give and receive non-e-communication.

28. A sweater straight from the dryer on a cold day. If you can push a button, this simple pleasure can be yours at any time.

29. A smell that evokes a visceral reaction. Does lemon pie make you think of your grandmother? Head over to the bakery and lurk.

30. Something so funny it makes you laugh out loud…not in LOL form.

31. Feeling someone take your hand in theirs. There’s something blissfully intimate and meaningful about holding hands. Reach out and touch someone. (Cue the music.)

32. A book you’ve been dying to read. Amazon’s calling your name.

33. Watching your child learn from watching you. It’s touching how she looks at you for cues on who to be.

34. An itch you can actually reach. I adore my wooden back scratcher.

35. A new recipe that comes out perfectly. Ask your friend for one of her favorites.

36. A home remedy that works better than the store-bought solution.

37. The feeling of sand between your toes. If you live near a beach, set aside some time to walk it.

38. Flowers you didn’t expect. OK, you can’t really make this one happen. But you can “surprise” yourself with a bouquet whenever you want.

39. A small gesture of support. A hand on your lower back. A tight squeeze of your hand before you get up for your speech. Three simple words: “I believe in you.” Minor actions, huge impact.

40. Extending a small courtesy and watching the effect. Hold the door for someone or thank them for something most people wouldn’t notice.

The list can go on and on. Have anything to add?

Lori Deschene, lead contributor, lives in the San Francisco Bay Area. Read more of her tinybuddha posts here, and follow her on Twitter @lori_deschene. Photo here.

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by John Cardinale

“Be thankful when you don’t know something for it gives you the opportunity to learn.” -~Unknown
 
During my service in the military I had some downtime; I decided to spend it studying different forms of religion. While researching Buddhism, I came to discover meditation.

In the following weeks I dedicated much time to learning the art. After a few weeks of strenuous commitment I gave up. With high expectations going in I’d set myself up for failure.

A month later, while walking down an open back road near my home, it hit me like a freight train: I was without thought. Total clarity had consciously awakened me like a thief in the night. 
 
The world around me seemed to slow for an eternity. The landscape, the trees, the fields of green and even the pavement suddenly became bright as the stars–a high definition alternate reality of scenery I thought I knew, as I’d taken this road so many times before.

Clarity and a still mind changed my conscious perception of everything. The leaves on the trees, full of vibrancy and radiance. The wind, so underappreciated throughout my life. Beautiful in its invisibility, it surrounded every fiber of my body with its ice cold caress.

The pavement seemed to awaken; every pebble amongst the black river of tar gleamed. The sounds of nature resonated a thousand times louder than ever before.  Without thought I was capable of absorbing it all with presence and peace.
 
Though I lived in that moment with joy and glory, fear eventually snapped me back to thought. It was as if clarity felt too pure to handle for more than a few seconds.

I couldn’t help wondering: have we succumbed to living in a constant cycle of thought processes? Even while sleeping our minds stay in turmoil. Have we adapted to this way of living because society requires it? Are we so displaced from our true state of being that brief seconds submerged in purity and peace create a type of fear? 

I can only imagine how living in the moment, without constantly evaluating and analyzing, would change our perception of ourselves.

My experience showed me just how thick a blindfold was covering my conscious vision. It makes the world seem like little more than a background to our ceaseless thinking; a blurry panaroma that passes before our eyes as we focus on things that won’t really matter at the end of it all.
 
Most people don’t find enough peace amongst the chaos to live in the moment. Minute to minute, day by day, we get wrapped up in contemplation about tomorrow and the details of our lives. 

We must take back this moment. Not just to experience it, but also to discover ourselves. We are far more than the thoughts that bind us. Until we clear our heads, listen to the truest nature of things without opinion, and take in all that is, we will not find ourselves as we were meant to be.

Photo credit

by Lori Deschene

Yesterday morning, two of the correspondents on the news in Boston (where I’m home for the holidays) had an interesting conversation about the classic It’s a Wonderful Life.

One of them said he’s not a big fan of the movie, which instilled a sense of complete outrage in me.

How dare he take George Bailey’s name in vain? It’s such an inspirational film! From saving Harry’s life to finding Zuzu’s petals, every scene gets my little heart aflutter with renewed hope in our ability to make a difference and find happiness.

When the initial offense faded, I listened to what clearly-heartless news guy was saying. And he actually had a point.

The main character, George Bailey, sacrificed everything he wanted in life for the people around him. If he continued to operate in a constant state of self sacrifice, he’d likely always have regrets where other men have dreams.

And why should he not have the chance, at some point, to feel satisfaction that isn’t hinged upon having saved someone else’s life?

At the end of the movie, he receives the ultimate assurance that his life is best lived with everyone else’s interests before his own: a party where he receives all the gratitude and admiration he clearly felt had been lacking prior.

The implication seems to be that he should continue on this path because everyone’s life would have fallen apart if he didn’t come to their rescue.

The movie critique got me thinking about the sacrifices we make for other people. If you know me, you may find it off that I–ever the eternal optimist–have chosen to dissect the act of selflessness right before a holiday that often inspires it.

This is precisely why I have.

Holidays generally bring out the best in people. When we pull out the tear jerkers that remind us people care and miracles happen, we’re motivated to be the change we want to see in the world. To express and show our feelings. To care in action.

But what’s more important than an epiphany shouted from a balcony on Christmas morning is an understanding of healthy giving–both to others and ourselves–that’s sustainable all year long.

I, for one, would find this information invaluable, as I’m somewhat of a George Bailey–ever willing to consider someone else’s feelings and interests before my own. On some level it’s because I want to be kind; but often I’m motivated by the desire to feel important and useful. Or to please other people. Or even to avoid facing my own needs.

If you can relate on any level, consider these reasons to find a balance between doing for others and yourself:

Too much sacrifice can harm relationships. According to Ted Hagen, PhD, “The give and take between two people creates mutual respect. It strengthens a relationship.”

Excessive giving can create internal resentment. If you continually put everyone else first, you may eventually resent everyone for expecting so much of you–when in all reality, you had the choice to give less at any time.

Sacrificing is not always helpful. We often give because we think it’s the right thing to do; but sometimes it’s just plain not. People (children especially) need to learn to take care of themselves and to accept the world won’t always meet their every wish, whim, and need.

To truly give yourself, you need to take care of yourself. Your daily car ride may make someone’s life easier; but your bond as a healthy, happy person is far more valuable. You can only offer than if you take care of your own needs, as well.

We all deserve a life that involves doing and resisting and giving and taking and being selfish and selfless at times. I recommend the following steps to find a balance with all of the above:

1. Identify your current give/take ratio. If you’d like to find a balance you have to know how off-balance you currently are. Is it 50/50? Or 70/30?

2. Establish your reason for imbalance. Are you overextending yourself to feel powerful? Or to please everyone? You need to figure this out to address the next part.

3. Find an alternative plan. If your goal is to feel powerful and helpful, start mentoring a child on the weekend. If you’d like to be well-liked, nurture qualities and skills that attract people to you–other than your tendency to say yes. This is a far better approach to gaining respect anyway.

4. Take a piece of the pie. You can’t give everyone in your life 100%, so you likely give your parents, friends, and significant other a percentage of your energy. Consider a piece of that your own, and honor that in your choices.

5. Think of taking as another form of giving. Everything you get from giving–the people who love you will get the same if you give them a chance to reciprocate. Why not allow them the opportunity to feel helpful and important, too?

6. Take a drama-free look at your relationships. Do some people take more than give? The goal isn’t to blame, attack, or make yourself a victim; but rather to establish which relationships need to change.

7. Make attempts to repair unbalanced relationships. If the give/take ratio is off-kilter, you need to address this–either by asking for what you need when you need it, or initiating a constructive conversation. If the bond is worth saving the other person will be at least a little receptive.

8. Make a habit of expressing your needs. People won’t always anticipate them and step up to the plate, even if you operate that way. If you state your expectations, it will be easier for people to meet them. (Trust that they’ll want to! That’s how healthy relationships work.)

9. Check in without an even-Steven philosophy. You don’t need to keep an internal scorecard of how much people are doing for you; but you should feel that, on the whole, they’re there for you physically and emotionally as much as you’re there for them.

10. Ask yourself, “Would I need a George Bailey moment of gratitude and admiration to justify all I’ve sacrificed?” If the answer is yes, you know you’re not living a completely fulfilling life. One in which you look out for yourself, and honor your wants and needs as much as other people’s.

Making now the perfect time to ask yourself: how can I accept where the choices I’ve made have taken me–but make more balanced choices from here on out for a truly wonderful life?

Other posts by Lori Deschene you may enjoy:

• 5 Ways to Make a Big Difference in Someone’s Day
• 5 Rules for Life
• 2 Ways You Think Yourself Unhappy (and 10 Things to Do About It)
• 10 Ways I Know There’s Nothing Wrong with You or Me

“Appreciation is a wonderful thing. It makes what is excellent in others belong to us as well.” ~Voltaire

There are a lot of impressive people in the world. Some innovate and invent things that help masses of people. Some use art to tell powerful stories that move viewers to action. Others make the world a better place by being helpful within their own sphere of influence, however small or large it may be.

Those little things define people.

The way your neighbor asks how you’re doing and really listens for the answer. How your coworker supports your ideas, and gives you encouragement to see them through. The way your sister makes your house a better place by staying calm when others seem stressed.

All acts of greatness that affect other people, whether they notice or not.

Noticing is a powerful act.

A compliment rooted in truth creates more than just a smile. It shows someone you see the good in them independent of what they achieve. It tells them they not only matter; they really make a difference. Something we all hope to do.

Tell someone what you see today.  Let them know how simply being them makes a difference in your world. Life looks a lot brighter when you open your eyes to the light in people around you.

Do happy. It’s something you’re due.

Photo credit

Read more Do Happy tips.

It’s been one month since tinybuddha.com launched. We’ve covered a lot of ground since then!

We’ve offered a little extra food for thought for every quote on Twitter. We’ve posted several reader stories about losing love, changing careers, panicking over health scares, and more. And we launched our Do Happy series of tips to create joy in your day.

Some of you  have provided feedback–both positive and negative–which has been helpful in determining what type of content to post here. Can you offer any more to help us build a valuable resource?

What have you found useful on the site? What would you like to see more or less of? Would you like to see anything else on the Twitter stream?

Thank you for helping tiny buddha evolve.

Original Artwork by Darren Chittick