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by Sam Russell

“What is not started today is never finished tomorrow.” ~Goethe

As a cynic, I’m unsurprisingly cynical about such a statement.

I’m a serial procrastinator—avoiding things is what I do, and I’m left wondering if good old Goethe was hiding the fact that he was potentially stumped with writer’s block, immersed in a bunch of chores he didn’t want to do and occasionally depressed.

He had a point, admittedly: if you don’t get up and do it, it’ll never get done. We avoid things for a lot of reasons; some things are huge and can be quite scary. Other things are relatively insignificant and often leave us wondering why we ran from them to begin with.

It’s easier said than done, though, isn’t it? If I got up and started today (finishing by tomorrow if all goes to plan), I would have written this over a week ago. There were things in the way that stopped me from harnessing my get-up-and-go. Like depression. Self-doubt. Su-doku.

I’ve started using Goethe’s maxim to clear away the small, annoying stuff that I’ll never be free of if I don’t start clearing them today. Which means that I’ll never get round to doing the stuff I really want to do:

1. Start embracing three positive things from your day.

This article—A Scientific Perspective on Happiness; Rules in Your Head—will tell you all you need to know. I’ve been using it for about two weeks and have already seen the difference it’s made in my attitude: I feel happier and proud that I can now bake vegan cookies successfully. No more masses of gooey dough in my oven.

Knowing that you achieved three things in your day that made you feel good and knowing why you achieved them helps evict the Doubt Monster—meaning that it won’t be in your way so often.

2.  Don’t force it.

I’m guilty of believing that you have to be authoritarian with yourself in order to achieve; but all it does is make you feel worse if you don’t reach the often unrealistic goals you set yourself. Don’t be so harsh on yourself; it can take time before you’re ready to do those things.

3.  Purge the frustration tank.

You know what I mean, right? You sit down to revise your budget and every single digit is sitting on the page laughing, throwing paper planes and blowing raspberries at you. You forget to pencil in your train fare; fail to see you didn’t carry the one about thirty sums back; and you’ve just realised your insurance company has been leeching more money from you than you’re comfortable with.

So you quit with the budget and stomp off to make a cup of tea, unable to face the torment again.

Take a scrap of paper and write down all of the things that are bugging you—it doesn’t matter how trivial. Ticking clocks drive me insane. Write them all down. Don’t miss anything. Once you’ve completed the list, tear it up and throw it in the bin.

I burn mine. Or, you could sit down and tell your pet everything that irritates you; cats are always the best listeners. With your frustrations vented, you’ll feel better prepared for tackling that budget with a clearer head.

4.  Commit random acts of creativity.

You don’t have to be a world class artist, writer or musician to create. I commit myself to an hour a day to creating something, whether it’s clearer notes from my saxophone, fresh brownies, a charcoal sketch or a few paragraphs of a story.

Putting aside that space allows me to express myself without anyone else’s vested interests. Think about it: When do you get to express yourself instead of other people? Their views, feelings, needs – we spend a lot of time expressing and fulfilling those, so isn’t it about time we did the same for ourselves?

Procrastinating isn’t a bad thing. Avoiding the bigger issue to clear away the debris of a noisy, unhappy mind is a positive and healthy thing to do. That will make it a lot easier to start with the bigger things tomorrow.

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by Sonya Derian

“More powerful than the will to win is the courage to begin.” ~Unknown

I’ve spoken with a number of people recently who are doing something that is “just okay” with their lives but who really want to be doing something else. They feel an urgency to break free and go for it, even though they haven’t defined “it.”

I think a lot of people, if not currently there, understand this. It’s in our nature to move toward greater expression. When we’re not moving in a forward direction, we question ourselves, wondering what we’re doing with our lives—and what we’re waiting for.

And yet nothing changes.

Part of the issue is knowing where to start. The other part is fear of the unknown. Both can prevent you from committing.

The nature of commitment is in staying the course, going the distance, falling and getting back up again, continuing onward.

The question is: what are you committed to? Sometimes we mistakenly commit ourselves to the outcome without committing ourselves first to the process.

For example, I know a person who talks about the book in his head. It’s going to be a best seller.  It’s going to be made into a movie and it’s going to make him millions of dollars.

But he hasn’t even written the first chapter. He’s committed to the outcome before being committed to the process. The process would be showing up at the page. That’s the commitment.

Outcome is all about “getting there.” It’s ego based. It’s about winning the prize. Gaining the acknowledgement. Accepting the praise. Process is all about “being here”.  It’s humble, lowly, and scary.

But only by committing to the process can we arrive at the outcome.

Therein lays the commitment.

So, the question is: what are you committed to?

We want to make it a bigger question than it is, but sometimes the commitment is simply to show up. I had a teacher who used to tell me “Show up for your success.” And that was her message to me. Over and over again. If I showed up, I fulfilled my commitment.

For most of us, when we’re not advancing in some way or utilizing our full potential we feel stagnant—like we’re moving backwards, which is very much against our nature. We made an agreement with ourselves that we are here to move forward. To express. To experience. To expand.

When we’re not, we feel like we are somehow failing the commitment we have to ourselves.

But if you don’t know what you’re committed to, you can’t possibly progress. A great start is to ask yourself, “What is the one thing that would upset me if, at the end of my life, I do not attempt, do, or complete?”

If there’s an immediate answer, you must commit to that. If there’s no immediate answer, you  may be feeling an unnecessary pressure to create a great masterpiece, when in all reality, you just have to start by doodling. And let it take shape, gain momentum, and morph into an amazing creation you didn’t realize you were capable of.

All it takes to get there is commitment.

You won’t hit a home run every time you get up to swing—but that’s the only way you can create the possibility of a run. Even if you miss. Or bunt. Or strike out. Your commitment is to go through the process—not to get the perfect outcome every time. Sooner or later you’re going to get the perfect ball. Make it past first base. And join the team that will help you go all the way.

All because you got up to the plate and took hold of the bat.

The question is, are you willing? Are you willing to get in the game?

Even if it’s humbling? Even if there’s a learning curve? Even if there is no guarantee of success? Even if you’re afraid? Even if the steps seem insignificant? Even if you don’t know what you’re doing?

Are you still willing to show up? Are you still willing to move forward? Are you still willing to do it anyway?

Because that is the commitment. That’s the price of admission. That’s what it takes to make something happen.

You have to show up. In fact, your only job is to show up and continue showing up. Put one foot in front of the other and stay the course. Even if you don’t know if you’re doing it right. Even if you don’t know if you’ll ever get there. Even if you don’t know where it will lead.

The most important thing is that you’re willing to find out.

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by Sam Russell

“Peace of mind is not the absence of conflict from life, but the ability to cope with it.”  ~Unknown

I fell apart a couple of years ago, unable to cope with the strain I was under—a change in my lifestyle, loss of job security, a less-than-perfect relationship with a parent, bereavement, a painful physical injury, and slowly, through all of that, the blossoming of serious mental illness.

All the while, right up until this month in fact, I’ve been thinking and wishing: “I want all of this to go away, to have never been.”

I shut myself away—terrified of people’s reactions to my mental health, convinced that my life was over at the age of twenty-three. I’d never be able to get a job again. People would be too frightened to talk to me if they knew the truth. I’d never make a friend again, and the ones I’d managed to keep hold of as I gradually came apart at the seams would end up leaving me.

My wish came true as I began to hide myself away. I stopped doing the things I loved, like going out for walks along the riverside and meeting up with close friends. I became a hermit and was pretty relieved to have all of the conflict and the potential for conflict that I was so anxious about vanish from my sight.

I felt safe for the first time in months even though I had sacrificed many of the things I loved. I was happy enough and that was good enough.

It didn’t last long though. The space created by the absence of all that conflict I was desperate to escape was soon filled with grief, disappointment and loneliness. I realized too, that what I had been so eager to get rid of was circling the outskirts of my new found “peaceful” disposition— paperwork that I’d avoided, stories I’d not written because I didn’t think they were worth writing and a constant state of paranoia. Who could I trust?

I think the worst thing that came from isolating myself was how I’d simultaneously isolated my remaining friends, the ones I was terrified of losing through misunderstanding and fear. My mental health had changed drastically and I had pushed away the people that I really needed around me. I not only lost out on a wealth of support but also denied them the chance to learn about and understand me better.

I’m now twenty-five. I’ve been working with an occupational therapist for a few months, trying to tackle the areas of my life and my thinking that stop me from coping and living the life I want.

I smile more. I’ve applied for a job I know I’d enjoy without being worrying about the odds of getting it. And I don’t feel that it’d be the end of the world if things didn’t turn out the way I planned or if I received criticism from someone. I feel more prepared.

I can’t push away my problems and hide from conflict no matter how difficult or frightening it all can be. I can’t avoid it and pretend it’s not there. I’ve learned that in order to be confident and move forward in life, I have to face my problems and stand up to conflict.

I have to approach it not with fear but with an open mind, a willingness to learn. I have to be ready to listen, understand, show compassion and recognize my own flaws. The things that keep me terrified—I have to challenge them.

I still have bad days and I still sometimes hide when everything gets too much. I’m not perfect but then I don’t think that’s the point. We all shy away at some stage and that means we can always try again. I’ve learned, and taken to heart, that the important thing to remember is this: once we’ve managed one conflict, coping with the next won’t be as bad. That’s a great weight to have off your mind.

Interested in contributing? Read our submission guidelines and drop us a line at email @ tinybuddha.com.

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by Lori Deschene

“Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you respond to it.” -Charles Swindoll

One day everything seems great in your world; maybe not perfect, but overall things are going to plan. And then something happens.

You lose your job. Or someone you love. Or your home. Or maybe even your health.

It isn’t fair. You don’t deserve it. You didn’t see it coming. You didn’t plan for it. You have so many feelings and frustrations you don’t know what to do first–or if you want to do anything at all.

It would be easier to sit around feeling bad. Looking for people to blame and complain to. Rehashing what you could have done to make things happen differently. Or what you would have done if you only realized before. Or what other people should have done to help you.

All great options if you want to maximize your misery and feel justified in doing it. Not so great if what you want is to deal and move on.

You have to do this eventually when something bad happens; and the faster you do it, the sooner you’ll improve your situation.

There is no shortage of opportunities to practice dealing well. If you’d like to work on improving the 90% of life that is how you respond, you may find these tips helpful:

1. Make acceptance an immediate priority.

Dealing with a bad situation can be a lot like dealing with grief–and people often go through the same stages: shock and denial, pain and guilt, anger and bargaining, and so on.

You might not be able to fully squelch your emotions; but you can decide to accept what’s happened, regardless of how you feel about it. The sooner you accept it, the sooner you can act from where you are–which is the only way to change how you feel.

It’s like the quote from a recent post on getting started when you don’t feel ready: “Don’t wait for your feelings to change to take action. Take the action and your feelings will change.”

2. Remove fair from your vocabulary.

As kids we’re all about fair. “He took my train–it’s not fair.” “You said you’d buy me a new bike–it’s not fair!” “I had that crayon first–it’s not fair.”

You’d think we’d learn early on that life isn’t fair; but instead we cling to how we think things should be. Hard work should be rewarded. Kindness should be reciprocated. When things don’t work out that way, we feel angry at the world and bad for ourselves.

Feeling outraged about life’s injustices won’t change the fact that things are often random and beyond your control. When you start going on an unfair spiral, remind yourself, “It is what it is.” And then choose a reaction that aligns with the way you’d like the world to be.

3. Focus on the life lesson.

In Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff, Richard Carlson recommends pretending that everyone is enlightened but you–that everyone you meet is here to teach you something.

In this way, you’ll see someone who annoys or frustrates you as an opportunity to work on your patience. This same mindset can help improve the way you interpret and respond to events in your life.

If you lost your job, perhaps the life lesson is to determine your true purpose. If your relationship falls apart, the life lesson may be to become more independent. Focusing on the lesson allows you to work on positive change, which will make you feel empowered instead of deflated.

4. Question whether it’s as big a problem as it seems.

We often turn minor upsets into huge catastrophes in our minds. Little in life is as horrible as it appears to be at first. Some things are challenging–like losing your job, your home, or worse, someone you love. But most situations can be solved.

Sometimes they’re even blessings in disguise. Barbara Rommer, M.D., interviewed 300 people who’d had near-death experiences. The majority of her subjects experienced spiritual awakenings, proving that what didn’t kill them only made them stronger.

Whatever you’re dealing with, is it really the end of the world? And more importantly, if you bounced back with an even better situation–a higher paying job, or a more satisfying relationship–how impressed would you be with yourself?

5. Make “Get strong” your mantra.

You may think Kanye West doesn’t have a place in tinybuddha world, but the dude got one thing right: “N-n-now that which don’t kill me can only make me stronger.”

This idea has saved me many times over. At 21 I spent four months hospitalized with a serious illness, and missed my college graduation. So much felt unfair about how it all panned out.

Then I remembered what my friend Rich had told me: “I know you feel powerless right now, but you’re going to rock the world when you get strong.” Whenever I deal with adversity, I remind myself to keep rocking.

6. Remember you can continue from this new place.

It’s easy to get attached to the road you’re on, especially if it makes you happy. When something or someone throws you off, you may feel disconnected from who you want to be or what you want to do in life.

It may help to remember a hurdle doesn’t have to obliterate your plans. Even if you lose your job, you can still pursue your professional goals–and maybe even more efficiently.

There is always more than one way to skin a cat. The sooner you focus on finding a new way, the sooner you’ll turn a bad thing good.

7. Ask yourself how someone you respect would handle the situation.

I recently put my heart into a blogging competition. I had to get votes from the public to win; and I ran a huge campaign to accomplish that. I ended in second place with just over 57,000 votes.

When I didn’t win, I felt disappointed and even a little embarrassed. I’d failed in front of thousands of people.  My best wasn’t good enough.

So I asked myself how someone with integrity would handle the situation. The answer: she’d congratulate the winner. Identify everything she learned from the experience. And move on to the next goal with her head held high. Acting on that advice made me feel proud of myself instead of disappointed.

***

People will remember the things you accomplish, but the way you handle life’s challenges can affect them just as strongly. Life happens, and it isn’t always easy. You can bemoan it and fight it, or see dealing with life’s challenges as the most important challenge of all.

You can’t always get what you want; but you can work at being who you want to be no matter what life throws at you.

Related posts:

• 5 Ways to Let Go and Embrace an Uncertain Future
• 40 Ways to Let Go and Feel Less Pain
• 5 Ways to Let Go of Resistance
• 7 Reasons to Be Happy Even if Things Aren’t Perfect Now

by Lori Deschene

“Uncertainty is the only certainty there is, and knowing how to live with insecurity is the only security.” ~John Allen Paulos

I used to love uncertainty. I wandered my way all around this country with little more than a suitcase and a journal. Committing to anything felt limiting, suffocating even.

One day I realized it wasn’t enlightenment that pushed me to embrace the unknown; it was a paralyzing fear of creating something certain. You can’t disappoint people when you don’t form relationships with them, and you can’t fail when you never start.

So one day I decided to do the scariest things I could imagine: settle into one place, get a steady job, and start forming real relationships.

Which lasted for a while until the economic meltdown rocked my world. Now I’m back in a place of uncertainty, like so many other people.

Almost everyone I know has had to make at least a few changes to their life because of the economy. People have lost their jobs, homes, and in some cases, their sense of identity.

It’s both terrifying and exciting to have a blank page in front of you. Sometimes we need reminders to see it as the latter.

Here’s how I’m learning to let go without losing what I felt I’ve gained these past few years:

1. Consider the idea of permanent uncertainty.

Certainty is actually just an illusion. Think about it: is there ever a time when you know for sure how things will unfold? Even with the best preparation, you can’t control everything in the universe. Job security is subject to industry and company shifts. Relationships transform as people grow and change how they see the world and what they want out of it.

There are never any guarantees—even when you think you have it all figured out. When you don’t know what the future will hold, you’re actually dealing with life as it always is: yours to live and create moment by moment, day by day.

2. Stop waiting for something external.

In a post on Raptitude, David wrote about the theatrical convention known as Deus ex machina—or “God in a Machine.” As David explains, it’s “a reference to the ancient playwright Euripedes’ dubious habit of using a pulley system to lower an actor dressed up as God onto the stage, to solve the problems of the characters and wrap up the story.”

We often wait for our own Deus ex machina in life—a big break, a soul mate who makes us feel complete. This allows us to believe there is something good down the line instead of actively creating that something. The only sense of certainty we can experience in life is the result of our own efforts. That’s actually an empowering thought if you think about it.

3. See the benefits of releasing attachment.

If you’ve formed an attachment to something, odds are you’ve decided it’s a necessary component to your desired life—the home where you feel safe, the relationship that gives you love and support. Now look at it from a different perspective: when you are attached to less, you open yourself up to more than you can imagine.

For example, I had to give up my apartment. I could have held onto the past, wishing I didn’t have to leave, or feel excitement about the potential for something even better. Corny but true: a flower can’t grow if it clings to its roots.

4. Reconnect with the constants in your life.

Even though there are no guarantees, you likely have a few constants that won’t change in the near future: your health, your mental capacity, your family and friends. At the end of the day, nothing matters without these things. You can have the best house in the world, but it becomes a prison if you’re alone. Your job may offer a million perks, but you won’t enjoy them if you’re not strong in mind and body.

Focus on those gifts–because that’s what they are. Even thinking about my gratitude gives me a profound sense of strength and humility. Two things I need right now.

5. Accept constant imperfection.

I think a lot of people have this illusion that someday everything will be OK. One day they’ll have the home, the relationship, the career, the status, and from then on it will be smooth sailing. I know if I’ve indulged this fantasy. This causes us to metaphorically hold our breath, waiting for that moment when we’re finally able to be happy.

If we can accept, however, that things will never be perfect—that we’ll gain, and lose, and grow, and regress, and smile, and cry, and learn, and forget—we’ll be better able to embrace the present moment. We are all ever-changing works in progress, and so are the lives we lead.

No matter how much you’ve learned or how strong you’ve become, on any given day, you could allow your emotions to get the better of you. Applying knowledge never gets easy; it always takes strength, humility, and mindfulness to be truly present and to forge ahead despite your fear. I’m working on that today. Can you relate?

Recent posts by Lori Deschene:

• 5 Pieces of Advice That Aren’t Cliches
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• 5 Ways to Make a Big Difference in Someone’s Day
• 50 Ways to Show You Care Without Spending a Dime

by Belinda Munoz

 “Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.” ~Dalai Lama

It’s a well-known fact that the holidays bring on the blues. According to the National Mental Health Association, reasons for feeling blue around the holidays range from fatigue to financial limitations to tensions in personal relationships.

As for me, I’m generally a happy person.  I don’t dwell on things I can’t control, I have realistic expectations, I’ve learned overtime that trying to change people is futile, and I’ve even come to appreciate some of my flaws.

But sometimes, melancholy finds me.  Like a thick fog that threatens to shroud a picturesque skyline, it creeps up seemingly out of nowhere until I can no longer ignore it.

I had an experience with this recently.  After an intense couple of nights with human rights activists from Ethiopia and Russia, learning about how fiercely and fearlessly they fight to preserve the rights of citizens of their countries, I feel blessed to be in a country where much of our basic rights are intact.  Where we have a right to protest, to organize, to speak out.  Where, though many may complain, its citizens are still quite a bit more privileged than those of most other countries.

After these intense couple of days, a sadness lingered.  A sobering feeling that made me feel slightly off-balance, not-quite-myself, and a little bit powerless.

But, as I have done many times in the past, I’ve learned not to let sadness take over.  It’s not easy to do at first but, as always, a little effort goes a long way.  Here are 50+ ideas to chase the blues away:

SOLO:

1. Let the sadness in then let it pass.
2. Pray or meditate.
3. Take a nap.
4. Cry it out.  It’s cleansing, it brings a sense of relief and it releases stress hormones that can cause serious damage to brain cells.
5. Think about your favorite things.
6. Practice yoga or do any kind of exercise.
7. Retreat.  Be at peace with silence and limit outside stimuli.

GET SOCIAL:

8. Take a social media fast and instead, connect only in real time and in person.
9. Sip tea,, coffee, or wine with someone.  Ponder the depths of existentialism. Or gossip about Angelina Jolie and all her great humanitarian work.
10. Break out a cookbook, invite a friend or two over and make a meal from recipes you’ve never tried before.
11. Recall a fond memory about someone and contact that person and let that person know you remembered him/her.
12. Give a co-worker a ride home.
13. Talk to a stranger.  Ask a safe and simple question and see where it leads.  Or, share an anecdote and wait for a response.  Be open to how easily others are willing to connect.
14. Visit some blogs and leave a comment.

LOSE YOURSELF:

15. Perform an anonymous act of kindness.
16. Pop a feel-good dvd in the player and allow yourself a little veg time.
17.Do something silly and let go of self-conscious feelings.
18. Do something you wouldn’t normally do.
19. Laugh it up at an improv/comedy show.
20. Invite a little unpredictability into your life.
21. Go for a drive without a particular destination.  Feel the breeze and let your senses take in the feeling of not having a particular place to go.
22. Go sightseeing in the town where you live.

LET NATURE FILL YOUR SENSES:

23. Get outdoors.  Whether it’s a walk down a busy city street or a nature hike, there’s something about being outdoors that makes a little bit of the sadness evaporate.  Perhaps, if you’re open, you’ll notice a stranger or two smiling at you.
24. Surrender to nature and feel its immense power.
25. Watch the ripples of waves as they grow more and more intense.
26. Hug a tree and feel its strong unyielding roots.
27. If you’re an early riser like me, watch the sunrise and remind yourself that you’ll never ever see the same exact sunrise again.
28. Go surfing or go for a swim in the ocean or lake.
29. Do a little gardening.

GET CREATIVE OR IMMERSE YOURSELF IN ART:

30. Take pictures.  Channel your inner Sebastiao Salgado or Brigitte Lacombe.
31. Draw.
32. Write a song, a poem or a short story.
33. Read a classic.
34. Be in awe of a work of art.  A photograph or a painting is a good source of awe-inspiring moments that can transport you to another place and melt sadness.
35. Listen to music that moves you.
36. Sing and dance.

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF:

37. Pamper yourself by getting a mani/pedi, a facial or a massage.  It sounds indulgent but who says you don’t deserve it?
38. Plan a vacation or a simple day trip.
39. Get a haircut.
40. Make a smoothie.  Throw a whole bunch of fruits in season in a blender and nourish your body and spirit.
41. Start a new healthy habit.

GET EDUCATED:

42. Learn about a new country you haven’t visited before but have been curious about.
43. Take a class. Pottery, philosophy, business, anything.

GET BUSY:

44. Do some chores.  Purge your closet of unwanted things and donate a bag of clothes and shoes to Goodwill.  Or, de-clutter your home and clear your mind in the process.
45. Throw yourself into your work or start a new project.
46. Plan and throw a party.  Watch the sadness turn to excitement.

DO FOR OTHERS:

47. Visit a friend who’s pregnant or with a newborn baby and find out if there’s anything you can do for her.
48. Visit a sick friend and offer to pick up take out.
49. Walk your neighbor’s dog.
50. Offer to run an errand for a parent with young kids.
51. Pick up a greeting card or a present for someone.  Any chance you can focus on making someone else’s day will help brighten your day.
52. Volunteer at a soup kitchen.
53. Help wrap presents for orphans or sick children through a local charity.

You may also enjoy reading:

• Do Happy tips
• 7 Key Tips to Living a Beautiful Life
• 15 Ways to Change the World in 2010
• 40 Ways to Let Go and Feel Less Pain

Have a story to share? Tinybuddha is looking for guest posts! Read our submission guidelines and drop us a line at email @ tinybuddha.com

by Lori Deschene

Eckhart Tolle believes we create and maintain problems because they give us a sense of identity. Perhaps this explains why we often hold onto our pain far beyond its ability to serve us.

We replay past mistakes over and over again in our head, allowing feelings of shame and regret to shape our actions in the present. We cling to frustration and worry about the future, as if the act of fixation somehow gives us power. We hold stress in our minds and bodies, potentially creating serious health issues, and accept that state of tension as the norm.

Though it may sound simple, Ajahn Chah’s advice speaks volumes:

“If you let go a little, you will have a little peace. If you let go a lot, you will have a lot of peace.”

There will never be a time when life is simple. There will always be time to practice accepting that. Every moment is a chance to let go and feel peaceful. Here are 40 ideas to get started:

Let Go Of Frustration with Yourself/Your Life

1. Learn a new skill instead of dwelling on the skills you never mastered.

2. Change your perception—see the root cause as a blessing in disguise.

3. Cry it out. According to Dr. William Frey II, PH.D., biochemist at the Ramset Medical Center in Minneapolis crying away your negative feelings releases harmful chemicals that build up in your body due to stress.

4. Channel your discontent into an immediate positive action—make some calls about new job opportunities, or walk to the community center to volunteer.

5. Use meditation or yoga to bring you into the present moment (instead of dwelling on the past of worrying about the future.)

6. Make a list of your accomplishments—even the small ones— and add to it daily. You’ll have to let go of a little discontentment to make space for this self satisfaction.

7. Visualize a box in your head labeled “Expectations.” Whenever you start dwelling on how things should be or should have been, mentally shelve the thoughts in this box.

8. Engage in a physical activity. Exercise decreases stress hormones and increases endorphins, chemicals that improve your state of mind.

9. Focus all your energy on something you can actually control, instead of dwelling on things you can’t.

10. Express your feelings through a creative outlet, like blogging or painting. Add this to your to-do list and cross it off when you’re done. This gives you permission to shift your focus after the activity.

Let go of Anger and Bitterness

11. Feel it fully. If you stifle your feelings, they may leak out and affect everyone around you—not just the person who inspired your anger. Before you can let go of any emotion you have to feel it fully.

12. Give yourself a rant window. Let yourself vent for a day before confronting the person who troubled you. This will diffuse the hostility and give you time to plan a rational confrontation.

13. Remind yourself that anger hurts you more than the person who upset you, and visualize it melting away as an act of kindness to yourself.

14. Use Psychologist Steven Stosny’s HEALS technique to prevent impulsive action, which will only prolong the negative feelings.

15. Take responsibility. Many times when you’re angry, you focus on what someone else did that was wrong—which essentially gives away your power. When you focus on what you could have done better, you often feel empowered and less bitter.

16. Put yourself in the offender’s shoes. We all make mistakes; and odds are you could have easily slipped up just like your husband, father, or friend did. Compassion dissolves anger.

17. Metaphorically throw it away; i.e., jog on the beach with a backpack full of tennis balls. After you’ve built up a bit of rush, toss the balls one by one, labeling each as a part of your anger. (You’ll need to retrieve these—litter angers the earth!)

18. Use a stress ball, and express your anger physically and vocally when you use it. Make a scrunched up face or grunt. You may feel silly, but this allows you to actually express what you’re feeling inside.

19. Wear a rubber band on your wrist, and gently flick it when you start obsessing on angry thoughts. This trains your mind to associate that type of persistent negativity with something unpleasant.

20. Remind yourself these are your only three options: remove yourself from the situation, change it, or accept it. These acts create happiness; holding onto bitterness never does.

Let Go Of Past Relationships

21. Identify what the experience taught you to help develop a sense of closure.

22. Write everything you want to express in a letter. Even if you choose not to send it, clarifying your feelings will help you come to terms with reality as it is now.

23. Remember both the good and the bad. Even if appears this way now, the past was not perfect. Acknowledging this may minimize your sense of loss. As Laura Oliver says, “It’s easier to let go of a human than a hero.”

24. Un-romanticize the way you view love. Of course you’ll feel devastated if you believe you lost your soul mate. If you think you can find a love that amazing or better again it will be easier to move on.

25. Visualize an empowered single you—the person you were before meeting your last love. That person was pretty awesome, and now you have the chance to be him or her again.

26. Create a space that reflects your present reality. Take down his pictures; delete her emails from your saved folder.

27. Reward yourself for small acts of acceptance. Get a facial after you delete his number from your phone, or head to the local bar after putting all her things in a box.

28. Hang this statement somewhere you can see it. “Letting go is love. Holding on is attachment.”

29. Replace your emotional thoughts with facts. When you think, “I’ll never feel loved again!” don’t resist that feeling. Instead, move on to another thought, like “I learned a new song for karaoke tonight.”

30. Use the silly voice technique. According to Russ Harris, author of The Happiness Trap, swapping the voice in your head with a cartoon voice will help take back power from the troubling thought.

Let Go Of Stress

31. Use a deep breathing technique, like ujayii, to soothe yourself and seep into the present moment.

32. Immerse yourself in a group activity. Enjoying the people in your life may help put your problems in perspective.

33. Consider this quotation by Eckhart Tolle: “Worry pretends to be necessary but serves no useful purpose.” Questioning how your stress serves you may help you let it go.

34. Metaphorically release it. Write down all your stresses and toss the paper into your fireplace.

35. Replace your thoughts. Notice when you begin thinking about something that stresses you so you can shift your thought process to something more pleasant—like your passion for your hobby.

36. Take a sauna break. Studies reveal that people who go to sauna at least twice a week for 10-30 minutes are less stressed after work than others with similar jobs who don’t.

37. Use this clever technique by Peak Personal Performance to fully digest and release your stress about a situation.

38. Organize your desk. According to Georgia Witkin, assistant director of psychiatry at Mount Sinai School of Medicine, completing a small task increases your sense of control and decreases your stress level.

39. Use it up. Make two lists: one with the root causes of your stress, and one with actions to address them. As you complete these tasks, visualize yourself utilizing and depleting your “stress supply.”

40. Laugh it out. Research shows that laughter soothes tension, improves your immune system, and even eases pain. If you can’t relax for long, start with just ten minutes watching a funny video on YouTube.

It’s a long list, but there’s much left to be said! Can you think of anything to add to this list—other areas of life where we need to practice letting go, and other techniques to start doing it right now?

Lori Deschene, lead contributor, lives in the San Francisco Bay Area. Read more of her posts here and follow her on Twitter @lori_deschene. Photo by Charlotte Speaks.

Other posts by Lori Deschene:

• 10 Ways I Know There’s Nothing Wrong with You (or Me)
• 2 Ways You Think Yourself Unhappy (And 10 Things to Do About It)
• 7 Reasons to Be Happy Even Though Things Aren’t Perfect Now

“Some people think it’s holding on that makes one strong—sometimes it’s letting go.” ~Unknown

Maybe your life doesn’t look like you want it, but you’re not sure how to change it, or even if you can—so you feel hopeless, frustrated, and even a little bitter.

Or maybe someone hurt you so deeply you don’t know if you can trust them anymore—so you feel angry, defensive and indignant.

Every day we can find a million and one reasons to feel discouraged, or incompetent, or vulnerable, or harried. All things that hurt when we hold them inside like a tight fist we refuse to unclench. And yet we do it anyway.

Until we decide to stop.

You can’t always control the way you instinctively feel about things that happen in your life. You can’t pretend you don’t hurt and just smile to make everything go away. But you can choose at any time to feel what you need to feel, and then change it into something else. Take all that energy and put it into the change you want to create.

Use your discontent to take one small step that could make your life more fulfilling.

Decide to stop hurting yourself rehashing the past, and relate to the humanity in the person who wronged you.

The first step toward feeling good is simply deciding not to feel bad. Simply choosing to let go.

Do happy. It’s something you’re due.

Photo credit

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by Lori Deschene

It’s just not that simple. That’s what I thought when someone first told me happiness is a choice.

But there’s so much more to it, I thought. There’s all the stuff I’d like to accomplish, but just can’t seem to get done. There are all the things I’d like to learn, and places I’d like to go. There are all the people I want to know–people I want to impress and please.

Those ideas inspired this series on happiness, starting with a post about dwelling on the past and worrying about the future; next tackling ways to be happy, even though things aren’t perfect now; and most recently addressing the different ways we let other people compromise our joy.

Today’s post is the second in a series about other people. In the first, I mentioned two ways you might let them dictate your happiness: by blaming others for everything that’s wrong with your life, or by overextending yourself trying to make everyone else happy.

You may also challenge your happiness by:

Comparing Yourself to Other People

“We’re the same age but he’s a CEO—and I’m just a salesman.”

“I’m not as outgoing as she is. She has more connections, so she’ll go further in life.”

“I wish I had a house like his. It’s hard to be happy when you live in a shoebox.”

No matter what you attain, it’s not enough. Someone else has more. No matter what you achieve, you feel dissatisfied. Other people have done better. It’s painful to walk around competing with everyone, feeling a constant sense of disappointment in yourself. Comparing yourself to others is a losing battle because it’s a habit you likely won’t break, even once you achieve what you think you need to be happy.

What to Do About It:

1. Realize everyone has to deal with judgment. Oftentimes when you compare yourself to others, you’re focused on how it looks to other people. The successful guy looks more impressive. Or the attractive woman looks more desirable. Everyone has to deal with judgment on some level. That successful guy may walk around thinking the world thinks he’s selfish. No one’s life looks perfect.

2. Rethink the idea of “better.” It never feels good to think someone’s better than you. But really, it’s not that black and white. It’s not a clear hierarchy from failure to success. We all have our own definition of success and happiness. If you’re doing what you enjoy and living by your own code, you have every reason to be proud of yourself. The only better you need to be is better than your yesterday.

3. Focus on your own journey. Do you even want to be a CEO? Do you like being the center of attention? Usually when we envy other people it’s because we’re not happy with ourselves—not because we want what they have. What do you really want? How can you start working toward it today? When you take a small step toward being who you want to be you feel less dissatisfied with your life.

Cutting Yourself off from Other People

“I’m not someone who needs people. I do just fine on my own.”

“Thanks for the invite, but I have to…shampoo my hair. And catch up on The Office.”

“I won’t know anyone there so I think I’ll pass. We’ll catch up some other time.”

You don’t let people in easily. People know you, but very few people know you—your dreams, your passions, your obsession with The Smurfs (or insert other quirky you-ism—we all have them.) Most people in your life feel like acquaintances or strangers. You suspect deeper relationships could make everything more fulfilling. But it’s scary opening up. You’re not even sure where to begin–or how.

What to Do About It:

1. Identify the cause of your disconnection. This is obviously more complex that a few sentences can summarize, but it’s a crucial first step. If you’re aware your loner mentality leaves you feeling like an outsider watching life happen to other people, the first step is to figure out why you’ve created this situation. What are you afraid of? What are you hiding from? Or what is it you’re hiding from other people? What makes you say no when someone tries to open up your world?

2. Weigh the pros and cons of separation. Oftentimes, people isolate themselves because it feels safe. When it’s just you, there’s less uncertainty, and less potential for discomfort. On the flip side, when you shut people out, you: miss out on relationships that could add a new layer of meaning to your life; limit your possibilities for new opportunities; and increase the chances of over-thinking and feeling bad.

3. Open up slowly. You don’t have to become everyone’s best friend. You just need to entertain the possibility of new connections, even if it’s just one. Un-strange a stranger. Let your guard down just a little and take the risk of being seen. It’s a scary thing because you can’t control someone else’s perceptions. But you don’t need to. I’ve learned it’s OK if some people don’t get me. Every time you open yourself up you reaffirm that you’re happy with who you are–whether everyone else is or not.

Whether you want other people to solve your problems, you want everyone to like you, you want to ensure no one’s better than you, or you want to protect yourself so no one can hurt you, the bottom line is this: real happiness is something we have to find within ourselves.

And then hold onto as best we can when people seem unpredictable.

Because they’ll always be. And so are we. The only thing that’s certain is that we’re in control of ourselves. Happiness is a choice.

by Lori Deschene, Photo by loungerie

Sometimes when I’m alone doing something I love—writing, drawing, or practicing yoga, for example—I feel a sense of calm that I’d like to bottle for later when other people join the picture.

Many times throughout my life, I’ve allowed my happiness to fade because of something someone did or sad–or didn’t do or say. I’ve flip-flopped from bliss to anxiety at the drop of a dime, because someone didn’t like me. Or someone had excessive demands and I was too nice to say no. Or I thought I needed something from another person—that would do it. That would make me happy.

I suspect lots of people let other people dictate their happiness, at least occasionally. I’ve identified four ways people commonly do this, and three ideas to address each. Since it is a lot of information, I’ve split this into two posts, with the second coming tomorrow.

Pinning Your Happiness to Someone Else

“I’m miserable because I’m single.”

“I’m unhappy because my boyfriend won’t propose.”

“I can’t be happy because my parents refuse to help me out.”

Someone else—anyone else—holds the key to your bliss. It’s their fault your life isn’t like you want it to be. They take all the blame. They also have all the power.  That’s the worst part of depending on other people to feel good about your life: you can’t predict or control what they’ll do, meaning your joy will always be fleeting.

What to Do About It:

1. Let the past remind you other people can’t make you happy. You’ve likely had other relationships. Other people have probably given you things you wanted before. Did that solve everything? Did your life suddenly become perfect? When you realize it has never worked that way, it’s easier to acknowledge it won’t in the future, either. Which then leads you to evaluate what you can do for yourself.

2. Identify the benefits of taking responsibility. It’s scary to take full responsibility for your happiness. If it’s all on you, you have to do something. Find your purpose. Fulfill your passions. Take initiative and keep doing it. It also means you can feel happy without depending on someone else. What better tool to have inside you then the power to make yourself feel good no matter who is in your life?  

3. Consider the idea of impermanence in relationships. Not even marriage ensures someone will be in your life forever. Death or divorce could change everything—it’s just a fact of life. Do you really want to pin your joy to a moving target? Relationships are always in flux, and can end at any time. By finding joy within yourself, you set the stage for lasting bliss. What can you do today to tap into happiness?

Overextending Yourself to Please Everyone

“Sure, you can borrow my rent money.”

“I don’t mind if your grandmother comes on our date.”

“You need my car? OK. It’s no big deal if I miss my family reunion.”

Except you needed that money. And you really do mind—you planned that date for weeks. And your family matters more to you than anything else in the world. You try to please everyone, but it’s never enough. You hope everyone likes you, but many don’t respect you. The worst part: you don’t respect you, either.

What to Do About It:

1. Consider the benefits of letting people dislike you if that’s their choice. A while back I wrote a post for my blog called 10 Reasons It’s Awesome People Don’t Like You. You may find these ideas helpful in learning to say no with less guilt.

2. Don’t think about being liked; think about being respected. I am a major people pleaser. I want everyone to like me all the time, and it pains me when someone sees me in a negative light. When I want to say no but feel hesitant, I remember: that person may be annoyed with me in that moment, but eventually they will respect that I communicated what I need and want.

3. Focus on what you did right; not what you did wrong. If you feel bad that you didn’t drive your sister to work, think of everything you achieved by saying no. You gave yourself time to work on your art. You acknowledged how you felt even though it was tough. And maybe you motivated your sister to finally take her license test. Sometimes it benefits someone in the long run to hear no in the moment.

Some people fall into these patterns on occasion, whereas others live in a constant state of blaming and stressing about other people’s opinions. I know I’ve done my share of both. Both leave me feeling restless and out of control.

On some level, control is always an illusion. Very little is certain in this world. The only things we can control are: what we do, how we interpret things that happen to us, and how we respond to other people’s actions. It’s like Eleanor Roosevelt said:

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

Conversely, no one can make your happy. No one except for you.

Read Part 2 in this series here.

Other posts by Lori Deschene:

• 10 Ways I Know There’s Nothing Wrong with You (or Me)
• 2 Ways You Think Yourself Unhappy (And 10 Things to Do About It)
• 7 Reasons to Be Happy Even Though Things Aren’t Perfect Now