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by Janeen Paul

The yoga class I attended yesterday included a number of balances, from simple tree pose to a “floating” ardha chandrasana. I am not certain why, but I was struggling to find a steady balance on one side.

I arrived late feeling flustered, and my mind was spinning and worrying as we worked our way into the flow. I had to struggle to make my gaze steady, and I was starting to beat myself up for the wobbling on my left leg.

Then I had a realization: This is really the whole point of balancing poses, if not yoga itself. The point is simply to be with yourself, no matter where you are at that moment. Or, as Thich Nhat Hanh said: “Smile, breathe, and go slowly.”

Later, I thought a lot about balance, and how we are always trying to find it in our lives.  I talk with patients about it almost every day, and no one seems to feel they have it under control.

It’s easy to get caught up in the busy-ness of daily life, and forget to find time for relaxation, or even self-care. We get stuck in our heads planning the future or dissecting the past rather than meeting this moment.

I know when I don’t take time to balance the doing with the being, the stuff for everyone else with the stuff just for me, I get flustered and tense.  I feel off-center, and it’s hard to catch my breath.  Life easily gets unsteady, the way I felt at the beginning of class.

Here is my list of 5 ways to find your balance.  While it certainly applies to asana, I see ways to apply these off the mat, too.

1. Take a Risk.

Balancing requires a leap of faith. We must trust in one leg to hold us, as the other takes flight. We test the limits so we know what we are capable of achieving.

I know it’s difficult to face change and to take on something new in life.  But it’s that mindset that keeps us stuck in the status quo, where most of us lean towards giving to others, rather than nurturing our own needs.

It took over a month for me to get up the courage to attend my first yoga class.  I thought I was too old and weak, that I wouldn’t know what was going on and would look foolish.  Instead I found a room full of people my age having fun and welcoming new students.

If I hadn’t taken the risk, I would have missed out on the physical and emotional benefits I’ve gained from regular classes.

2. Find a Focus.

Keep your eyes on a steady object. This allows concentration of the mind, and minimizes distractions that throw us off our goals.

In real life, for example, make self-care a priority and don’t waiver.  The other distractions and commitments will always be there, and we will be more effective at handling them if we start from a place of mindful balance.

I know I feel better if I practice at least 15 minutes of yoga a day.  Some days that is all I can manage, but if I don’t make it a priority, I get sucked into chores and emails and things that could wait until I’m done on my mat.  My focus has to be in place, or I lose sight of what is important.

3. Loosen Up.

Balancing on one leg requires strength, but we also need to relax and keep breathing. If every muscle is clenched, we’re actually more likely to fall over. The micro movements and tiny adjustments are part of the pose, and we can’t flow with the breeze unless we let go of a little bit of control.

Staying in the present means accepting whatever comes up, without getting angry at the body for wobbling, or the mind for judging.  We can only control our reactions.  If we let go of the need for one certain outcome, we can accept whatever comes our way on or off the mat.

I have worked very hard to let go when I’m driving, for example.  If I get stuck behind a slow car, I can check my speedometer a hundred times and get upset that I’m not moving faster, or I can drive as fast as I’m able and listen to a great Michael Franti song with the windows open.  I can’t control the traffic in either situation, but I’m much happier if I practice letting go.

4. Embrace the Falling.

Give yourself a break! Balancing is hard, and we will fall. A lot. Some days, it seems impossible to find the stillness. Instead of the inner name-calling, try smiling and recognizing that the effort is as important as the result.

Over time we will see progress, but we can only start from where we are in this moment.  Some days we will fall more than others, and we will be tempted to feel angry that last week we held a perfect pose, or reacted more calmly to the kids “listening issues.” Instead we can fall with style and accept where we are today.

5. If You Fall, Get Back Up Again!

This one is the most important.  Persevere. Don’t call it a failed attempt and give up, when the next try may lead to success. Or maybe it won’t, but if not today, maybe next week; maybe it takes a lifetime! That life comes moment to moment, so we must be here now, giving our full attention.

Balancing poses require extra effort. But when everything comes together, these poses keep us mindful.  A life of balance means living in the present, and meeting ourselves where we are at this moment.

The courage, focus, acceptance and perseverance are all worthwhile when we discover the peace that is present here now. Balancing on the mat helps us focus our intentions off the mat, which, I’ve heard said, is where the real yoga is practiced!

by Founder Lori Deschene

“Criticism is something you can easily avoid by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing.” ~Aristotle

At the end of the day, when I feel completely exhausted, oftentimes it has nothing to do with all the things I’ve done.

It’s not a consequence of juggling multiple responsibilities and projects. It’s not my body’s way of punishing me for becoming a late-life jogger after a period of cardiovascular laziness. It’s not even about getting too little sleep.

When I’m exhausted, you can be sure I’ve bent over backwards trying to win everyone’s approval. I’ve obsessed over what people think of me, I’ve assigned speculative and usually inaccurate meanings to feedback I’ve received, and I’ve lost myself in negative thoughts about criticism and its merit.

I work at minimizing this type of behavior—and I’ve had success for the most part—but admittedly it’s not easy.

I remember back in college, taking a summer acting class, when I actually made the people around me uncomfortable with my defensiveness. This one time, the teacher was giving me feedback after a scene in front of the whole class. She couldn’t get through a single sentence without me offering some type of argument.

After a couple minutes of verbal sparring, one of my peers actually said, “Stop talking. You’re embarrassing yourself.”

Looking back, I cut myself a little slack. You’re vulnerable in the spotlight and the student’s reaction was kind of harsh. But I know I needed to hear it. Because I was desperately afraid of being judged, I took everything, from everyone as condemnation.

I realize criticism doesn’t always come gently from someone legitimately trying to help. A lot of the feedback we receive is unsolicited and doesn’t come from teachers—or maybe all of it does.

We can’t control what other people will say to us, whether they’ll approve or form opinions and share them. But we can control how we internalize it, respond to it, and learn from it, and when we release it and move on.

If you’ve been having a hard time dealing with criticism lately, it may help to remember the following:

The Benefits of Criticism:

Personal Growth

1. Looking for seeds of truth in criticism encourages humility. It’s not easy to take an honest look at yourself and your weaknesses, but you can only grow if you’re willing to try.

2. Learning from criticism allows you to improve. Almost every critique gives you a tool to more effectively create the tomorrow you visualize.

3. Criticism opens you up to new perspectives and new ideas you may not have considered. Whenever someone challenges you, they help expand your thinking.

4. Your critics give you an opportunity to practice active listening. This means you resist the urge to analyze in your head, planning your rebuttal, and simply consider what the other person is saying.

5. You have the chance to practice forgiveness when you come up against harsh critics. Most of us carry around stress and frustration that we unintentionally misdirect from time to time.

Emotional Benefits

6. It’s helpful to learn how to sit with the discomfort of an initial emotional reaction instead of immediately acting or retaliating. All too often we want to do something with our feelings—generally not a great idea!

7. Criticism gives you the chance to foster problem solving skills, which isn’t always easy when you’re feeling sensitive, self-critical, or annoyed with your critic.

8. Receiving criticism that hits a sensitive spot helps you explore unresolved issues. Maybe you’re sensitive about your intelligence because you’re holding onto something someone said to you years ago—something you need to release.

9. Interpreting someone else’s feedback is an opportunity for rational thinking—sometimes, despite a negative tone, criticism is incredibly useful.

10. Criticism encourages you to question your instinctive associations and feelings; praise is good, criticism is bad. If we recondition ourselves to see things in less black and white terms, there’s no stop to how far we can go!

Improved Relationships

11. Criticism presents an opportunity to choose peace over conflict. Oftentimes, when criticized our instinct is to fight, creating unnecessary drama. The people around us generally want to help us, not judge us.

12. Fielding criticism well helps you mitigate the need to be right. Nothing closes an open mind like ego—bad for your personal growth, and damaging for relationships.

13. Your critics give you an opportunity to challenge any people-pleasing tendencies. Relationships based on a constant need for approval can be draining for everyone involved. It’s liberating to let people think whatever they want—they’re going to do it anyway.

14. Criticism gives you the chance to teach people how to treat you. If someone delivers it poorly, you can take this opportunity to tell them, “I think you make some valid points, but I would receive them better if you didn’t raise your voice.”

15. Certain pieces of criticism teach you not to sweat the small stuff. In the grand scheme of things, it doesn’t matter that your boyfriend thinks you load the dishwasher “wrong.”

Time Efficiency

16. The more time you spend dwelling about what someone said, the less time you have to do something with it.

17. If you improve how you operate after receiving criticism, this will save time and energy in the future. When you think about from that perspective—criticism as a time saver—it’s hard not to appreciate it!

18. Fostering the ability to let go of your feelings and thoughts about being critiqued can help you let go in other areas of your life. Letting go of worries, regrets, stresses, fears, and even positive feelings helps you root yourself in the present moment. Mindfulness is always the most efficient use of time.

19. Criticism reinforces the power of personal space. Taking 10 minutes to process your emotions, perhaps by writing in a journal, will ensure you respond well. And responding the well the first time prevents one critical comment from dominating your day.

20. In some cases, criticism teaches you how to interact with a person, if they’re negative or hostile, for example. Knowing this can save you a lot of time and stress in the future.

Self Confidence

21. Learning to receive false criticism—feedback that has no constructive value—without losing your confidence is a must if you want to do big things in life. The more attention your work receives, the more criticism you’ll have to field.

22. When someone criticizes you, it shines a light on your own insecurities. If you secretly agree that you’re lazy, you should get to the root of that. Why do you believe that—and what can you do about it?

23. Learning to move forward after criticism, even if you don’t feel incredibly confident, ensures no isolated comment prevents you from seizing your dreams. Think of it as separating the wheat from the chaff; takes what’s useful, leave the rest, and keep going!

24. When someone else appraises your harshly, you have an opportunity to monitor your internal self-talk. Research indicates up to 80% of our thoughts are negative. Take this opportunity to monitor and change your thought processes so you don’t drain and sabotage yourself!

25. Receiving feedback well reminds you it’s OK to have flaws—imperfection is part of being human. If you can admit weakness and work on them without getting down on yourself, you’ll experience far more happiness, peace, enjoyment, and success.

We are all perfectly imperfect, and other people may notice that from time to time. We may even notice in it each other.

Somehow accepting that is a huge weight off my mind.

by Contributor Sam Russell

“You will not be punished for your anger; you will be punished by your anger.” ~Buddha

I went camping recently, something that I was really looking forward to, but I didn’t last long. Due to health conditions, my friend and I had to abandon camp at 3 AM on the first night because the cold go to me in a big way.

This awful experience has left me feeling dejected and rather ashamed of myself. Who the hell can’t manage a couple of nights camping? I’m being too hard on myself, but the point is I’m feeling angry.

You know what that whole anger thing is like:

Your kid goes over the other side of town with friends when you’ve asked them not to because you don’t want them to get hurt. Your sister borrows your favourite top and spills wine down it, then hides it back in your wardrobe. Your best friend nails that promotion after saying she wouldn’t apply because she knew you were desperate for it.

There are countless situations in our lives that can give rise to anger. It’s up to us to recognize them and do something about it before it gets out of hand.

I admit it: I am an angry person. How angry you ask?

A young girl walked up to me in my village and asked me to buy her cigarettes the other day. The bile shot into my throat and I yelled at her without even thinking, furious that a child had just asked me to illegally purchase a dangerous product for her.

I was livid to see that a man went on to buy the cigarettes for the girl and pretty much boiling over with rage at the shop keeper who knew the kids were trying to pull a fast one and didn’t bother to question the man. I watched the whole thing happen and then I seethed for the whole day over it.

I thought about how I wanted to thump the girl for being so stupid, the man for breaking the law and the shop keeper for being so apathetic. I indulged these little fantasies for the whole day. They virtually consumed me until my best friend pointed out that I was seriously overreacting and setting myself up to be ignored when all I want is to be heard.

I consider myself to be a good person but my extreme anger makes me intolerable—I know this. I frighten people when I lose my rag.

But why am I like this?

As I ranted on to my friend, I explained that all I ever see is destruction, war, death and suffering. I see liars and those who just want to fill their pockets at other people’s expense. I see the knowingly selfish and people who don’t care about others.  I see an unjust world where people, animals, and the planet all suffer at the expense of the seemingly few. It makes me wild.

My friend was quick and right to point out, that because I see all of this I’m blinding myself to the good things in life: the people who do care about the planet, those who do uphold a strong set of morals and live by them, and others who are just and do the right thing.

I forget about myself too—the good things I make happen like writing here and sharing my experiences openly and without shame.

My anger stems from my passion and desire for a better world. I want things to be better for everyone (including myself – especially myself). But it’s my current inability to express these things and be heard, to be taken seriously, that give rise to the firestorm that is my anger.

Nobody is pulling me up for it, nobody is telling me off for losing my temper so easily and frequently (I’m not surprised by this actually because I’d certainly not confront me for it!). Odds are nobody is going to.

In the meantime, I am suffering because of my anger:

• People won’t listen to me or take me seriously because all they see is an incoherent screaming ball of wrath.
• The incoherence is another point – how can I articulate myself over the things I believe in if my anger stops me from getting my words in the right order?
• Because I’m hung up on my anger, I can’t let it go which means it affects me physically. It makes me feel sick as my blood pressure soars; I begin to go deaf and everything starts to get fuzzy around the edges and I even get chest pains.
• Being angry all the time is a lonely business. Not many people want to be around someone who can snap at the smallest incident.
• Anger causes blindness. I can’t see the whole picture when I’m hell bent on venting my fury and exacting my will.
• I always say things I regret when I’m gnashing my teeth – usually to the people I love the most. Everything comes out, nothing is censored.
• I have little joy in my life right now because everything gets under my skin and annoys me, and then I get irritated by this fact.

I don’t want to be like this for the rest of my life and I can guess that you wouldn’t either.

The first step of moving away from my punishing anger is admitting that I’m angry, understanding why and forgiving myself for it—which I’ve begun to do thanks to my best friend who took the time to stand up to me and show me my reflection.

The next step is learning to let it go and be the person I want to be.

Deep breath, here goes…

by Lori Deschene

In three weeks, my boyfriend and I might move from the Bay area to LA; or we might move in here with roommates if he decides not pursue a film career.

I am starting a new work-from-home writing gig to pay my bills while I write my book. It might be something I can do in under two days a week, or it may require more time. It may provide enough money, or I might need to get some other work to supplement.

If we move, I might enjoy LA; I might not. I might balance everything well; I might feel overwhelmed. I might make new friends easily in my new area; it might take me a while to find like-minded people.

My world is a towering stack of mights right now. Though I’m dealing with a lot more change than usual, the reality is that most days start and end with uncertainty.

Even when you think you’ve curled into a cozy cocoon of predictability, anything could change in a heartbeat.

The only constant in life is that it will involve change–and try as you may to control the future, sometimes all you can do is trust that whatever happens, you can adapt and make the best of it.

Since I am straddling familiarity and the unknown, waiting to form some type of expectations for my future, I’ve been thinking a lot about dealing with uncertainty well. Though I’ve written before about embracing an uncertain future, I have a few more ideas to add to the mix:

1. Replace expectations with plans.

When you form expectations, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment. You can guide your tomorrow, but you can’t control the exact outcome. If you expect the worst, you’ll probably feel too negative and closed-minded to notice and seize opportunities. If you expect the best, you’ll create a vision that’s hard to live up to.

Instead of expecting the future to give you something specific, focus on what you’ll do to create what you want to experience. I might be lonely in LA; or I might move into an apartment building full of yogis who enjoy Scrabble. None of that is in my hands right now. What is in my hands is what I plan–what I will actively do when I get there to meet friends, find balance and live the life I want.

2. Prepare for different possibilities.

The most difficult part of uncertainty, at least for me, is the inability to plan and feel in control. Until I know where I am going to live, I can’t plan what neighborhood I’d like to live in, where I’ll practice yoga, or what events I’ll attend to meet people. But I can plan for the possibilities.

I can make a list for what I would do if I were to move to LA versus what I’d do if I stay local. Obviously the latter doesn’t require much change, so all I really need is one plan and the flexibility to embrace it if necessary.

3. Become a feeling observer.

It isn’t the uncertainty that bothers me; it’s my tendency to get lost in my feelings about it.

The second I start indulging fear, I get lost in a cycle of reactionary thoughts. “I might be lonely,” leads to, “How will I meet people?” Before you know it, I’ve somehow traveled all the way to, “What if I become a recluse, start overeating, and develop restless leg syndrome from sitting too much–alone–on my couch?”

OK, so that’s a slight exaggeration. The point is that speculation leads to feelings which can lead to more speculation and then more feelings. It helps me to stop the cycle by recognizing the feeling–in that case fear–and the reminding myself: I can’t possibly predict the future, but I can help create it by fostering positive feelings about the possibilities.

4. Get confident about your coping and adapting skills.

This isn’t the same as “expect the worst.” It’s more about assuring yourself that you can handle any difficulty that might come. In her book, The Positive Power of Negative Thinking, Julie K. Norem discusses the concept of defensive pessimism–when you consider the worst so you can plan how you’d handle it. This has actually shown to help people manage anxiety.

Ask yourself, “What’s the worst that can happen?” In my case, the worst would be if my boyfriend didn’t make a decision at all and we stayed in our current living situation (overcrowded and cluttered). I wouldn’t like it, but I could handle it. I could write at the library. I could take the opportunity to downsize my stuff. I could deal, which makes the uncertainty a little less scary.

5. Utilize stress reduction techniques preemptively.

If you’re dealing with uncertainty, you probably have stress in your body even if it’s not at the forefront of your thoughts in this exact moment. Over time, that body stress affects blood pressure, blood sugar, muscle tension, cholesterol level, breathing rate and every organ in your body.

Incorporate stress reduction techniques into your day, ideally meditation, even if just 5-10 minutes daily. Finding your center will help you feel better prepared to tackle whatever comes your way.

6. Focus on what you can control.

Oftentimes we overlook the little things we can do to make life easier while obsessing about the big things we can’t do.

For example, my boyfriend and I are cramped in a small space with little storage. My clothes are in bags spaced throughout the room like some kind of luggage booby trap. At times, I’ve gotten really frustrated with the chaos since I feel I don’t know where anything is.

Every time I couldn’t find something, I started complaining about wanting to move now. Suddenly it dawned on me: moving now just isn’t an option, but I can make this living situation more bearable if I stop complaining and focus on a short-term solution. I asked my boyfriend to help me organize the space and keep it that way, and now I feel a lot less scattered.

7. Practice mindfulness.

When you obsess about a tomorrow you can’t control, you’re too busy judging what hasn’t happened yet to fully experience what’s happening right now. Instead of noticing and appreciating the beauty in the moment, you get trapped in a fear-driven thought cycle about the potential for discomfort down the line.

While meditation is the best way to become more mindful, it isn’t the only approach. Sometimes it helps me to take an inventory of what’s good in today. So I can’t yet plan for tomorrow–that doesn’t have to be a bad thing. That means I can spend today doing other things, like writing, reading, relaxing in the sun, and connecting with people I love.

–

If ever you think you’ve created a controllable, predictable life for yourself, you can rest assured that’s an illusion. Nothing stays the same forever. The uncertainty can keep you up at night, obsessing over ways to protect yourself from anything that might go wrong. Or it can motivate you to practice acceptance, live in the moment, and embrace the adventure of living.

What’s coming tomorrow might not be easy; or it might fulfill you in ways you didn’t know to imagine. What’s certain is that it will come, and when it gets here, you’ll respond to it, learn from it, and move into another tomorrow full of endless possibilities.

Today I’m focusing on my possibilities, not my fear, and suddenly I feel a lot better.

Read more about me on the About page, in the FAQs, on lorideschene.com, or on Twitter @lori_deschene. If you enjoy the site, please support Tiny Buddha! You can also submit a post to email @ tinybuddha.com. Photo by Alejandra Mavroski.

by Sam Russell

“Hope is the feeling that the feeling you have isn’t permanent.” ~Jean Kerr

I’ve just given up smoking. Again. It’s a bad habit that I can’t seem to shake because I’m likely to relapse when I’m stressed.

I try to rationalize my destructive behavior—I don’t smoke heavily; I don’t smoke that much since I stick to rolling tobacco which makes thinner cigarettes; it’s fifteen minutes to myself where nobody will question why I’m taking time to do and think about nothing.

No matter how much I justify my bad habit, I can’t deny that I’m dependent on a bad thing to cancel out a bunch of other bad things.

Most of us use destructive methods to avoid difficult things on occasion. We may choose to remain silent in the face of confrontation instead of speaking out and defending ourselves; or we might hide behind our anger instead of admitting that we’re frustrated and scared.

Here’s what I’ve been doing to deal with my feelings instead of avoiding them:

1. Dig deep and think about what’s really getting to you.

In the past, I’d run outside for my fifteen minutes of silence and cigarettes when I found it impossible to communicate the anger and desperation I was feeling. I still have those things inside of me today, so why am I not elsewhere now, puffing away?

Here’s why: I burst. I screamed at myself in frustration and it all came pouring out. A rambling dialogue between me, myself and I revealed that I felt stuck, stupid and terrified of what my very uncertain future held for me.

I was annoyed at the lack of support I have from the places I really need it and the lack of opportunity where I really need it.

Coming to terms with your feelings is a chore—and a painful one at times—but once you’re in the habit of it, the benefits are immediate and endless.

2. Stay committed to communicating your feelings, even if it gets difficult.

I’m dumbfounded by people who don’t let you get a word in edgewise. You know what it’s like; if you’re in an argument or even talking with good friends, sometimes you’re shut out with little space to express yourself.

In group situations, I’d shut up and sit down if I sensed that I wasn’t going to hold the floor at any point. My experiences have been dire in this arena; I’ve been shouted down and ridiculed many times so it’s no surprise that I chose to stay quiet.

However I’ve found an unusual remedy: mime.

When everyone is yelling (or speaking over you) and battling to hold the stage, use your body to communicate instead of your voice. Actions speak louder than words? They certainly do. This is a real attention-grabber, one you’ll have to commit to for it to be effective.

I recommend it as a tool for getting that silence you need in order to make your voice heard when everything else has failed. Try it. You’ll get stared at but you’ll also get the floor.

3. Don’t let yourself reach boiling point in difficult situations.

Drop everything (carefully) and walk away. Don’t worry about people trying to stop you – you’re on your way out before you do something you regret, like lose your temper.

There’s nothing wrong with walking away from a heavy situation and coming back to it after you’ve calmed down. Take fifteen to twenty minutes to clear your mind, stretch your tense muscles and feel your body working; heart beats, lungs fill and empty, thoughts dissipate. A moment of stillness is enough to cool you down.

If people apprehend you, ask them politely to respect your space. Don’t explain yourself to them. If they can’t take the hint, keep walking until they do.

4. Vent your feelings physically.

One thing I like to do is toss books, papers, and laundry into the air. I’ve also smashed dustbin lids while venting. A lot of people will say that this is just as destructive as yelling and screaming at someone you love, but I disagree. Even if you damage something, it can be replaced; a loved one can’t.

Obviously don’t trash your home, but don’t be scared of expressing yourself physically. It’s immensely helpful for getting in touch with and venting your feelings.

I also like to play music when I’m on the verge of losing it, let it soak into my body and dance. Sports, the creative arts, cookery and gardening are excellent forms of physical release.

Embrace what suits you and get a physical as you possibly can with the activity. Channel all of that anger, irritation or sadness you’re feeling so you can experience and then transform it.

–

The more I move forward without smoking and the more I write for Tiny Buddha, the more I learn not to deny who I am and what I feel.

When you’re in touch with what you’re really feeling, you’re more likely to understand the situation and resolve it instead of avoiding it.

I haven’t smoked in a month and I feel grounded, real, and alive. Approaching my problems head on has made all the difference.

by Sam Russell of Cackhanded

“Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth.” ~Pema Chodron

I’m arachnophobic. Last night, a large spider took up residence on the wall in my room. The shock of seeing its dark mass seated comfortably against the stark white of the paint made the blood drain from my head.

I have ways of dealing with my fears. Sometimes I ignore them and plunge in head-first without thinking; sometimes I avoid them altogether and run for the hills. When it comes to spiders though, I humanize the situation.

I gave Richie, as I named my new roommate, the same courtesy I give to all animals. After a bit of careful planning, I took a deep breath and eased Richie into his temporary residence, ready for relocation to the floating garden. He was evidently more terrified than I was, although he had no reason to be. Even though he felt mortally threatened, I treated him with the same kindness and respect that I show my pets.

I realized then I needed to do the same for myself. I needed to give myself a little kindness, and accept that my fears aren’t necessarily based in reality.

You see I’ve recently come off a bout of depression.

When I’m badly depressed, I stop entirely. I have an obligation to care for my animals, so I drive myself to feed and clean them, but that fails to apply to me.  I don’t eat, I don’t sleep; I don’t do anything other than sit and gaze blankly at my surroundings.

My laundry piles up in a corner. My desk becomes smothered in books, papers and DVDs. I think it’s the same feeling you’d get if you were witness to a horrific event or accident; life stops and everything is painfully numb.

Daylight becomes unbearable as does the natural world around me. I don’t want to be around anyone, let alone talk to them. Most of the time, I skulk off back to bed to stare at the ceiling and sob. It feels like my life is over and the only thing left to do is vanish.

The grief I experience during a depression is overwhelming but never has an obvious cause. It’s not like I can figure out what’s upset me and try to patch things up. But I don’t like to think I end up in this state because of nothing; my depression comes about because of life.

It’s been tough and I struggle a lot emotionally. I’m sensitive and a chronic worrier. I’m frightened and lonely. Big things to admit, but this is my draw in life and I try to make the best of it.

Being depressed is something I dread because I know how difficult it is to climb back out of that hole and worst of all: I don’t have any control over it. I can’t say when it’ll happen, how long it’ll stay or how bad it’ll be. I have to brace myself.

The truth is I’m not just afraid of being depressed (though I am); I’m afraid of letting people down and being judged.

I don’t like to think that I’m afraid of what other people say, I like to pretend I’m a rebel (in part, I am) and that emotionally, I’m tough as nails. In reality, I’m a bit of a softie and open to getting my feelings trampled.

But I’ve come to realize this: we often create fears based on past experiences and blow them out of proportion. They’re not always grounded in reality as it is. Even when they are justifiable, they’re not the things that create us—we create ourselves with what we tell ourselves and how we act.

By believing that our fears are real and irrefutable, we crush ourselves under the weight of their burden.

Every now and then someone comes along and shows you people won’t always act as you feared they would, just like the way I spared Richie instead of squishing him.

Sometimes people will make snap judgments when you’re openly struggling, but we don’t have to join in and judge ourselves. Everyone has their challenges. We might not all deal with depression, but no one is without struggles, and sometimes we need a break.

Sometimes I need a break to take care of myself before I can engage with the world.

Sometimes I push myself too hard to become what other people expect of me—people who think I can just up and change into someone who doesn’t deal with depression.

The truth is that I don’t want to be cured. I want to be free to be who I am. And I want to face and release my fear of being judged for that, which I can only do if I stop being so hard on myself.

Sometimes you have to take a deep breath, look into yourself without judgment, and just be honest with yourself about what’s really scaring you. It’s the only way to identify irrationality, learn what you need, and change how you think and act.

We can challenge and overcome our fears if we’re willing to take power away from them. They aren’t as powerful as we think they are.

The world isn’t waiting to squish us. We definitely shouldn’t squish ourselves.

by Genny Ross-Barons

“Why worry about things you can’t control when you can keep yourself busy controlling the things that depend on you?” ~Unknown

I celebrated an anniversary recently. It was the night I experienced my first, and hopefully last, earthquake.

My husband and I had retired for the evening as usual—said our goodnights and went to sleep. I was jarred awake at 2:30 AM by him trying to pull me from our bed. At the same moment I heard the most deafening roar. Could a freight train be barrelling through our loft?

Our attempts to escape the upper level were hampered by the violent shaking. As we stepped forward we were propelled side-to-side.  We were being tossed like rag-dolls as we scrambled down the stairs, only to be greeted by the sound of glass objects smashing from below.

Skirting around the shards of broken stemware, we fumbled with the house keys and made our escape to the front porch. The same instant that we arrived outside, the 7.3 earthquake stopped as abruptly as it had started.

We were fortunate that our home did not collapse on top of us, that in our community there was no loss of life, and the tsunami that we were warned about never materialized.

Although we were lucky and it only lasted sixty seconds, I put earthquakes at the top of my list of things I never want to experience again.

So why celebrate the anniversary of such an event?

One minute your life is normal. You carry on not giving a thought to what may be. You are the master of your destiny. Then something beyond your control happens—your world gets all shook up.

You have no control over the event specific to you, but you do have the power to decide how to deal with it. The following six things you can control when dealing with an earthshaking event.

1. Offer help to others.

When you focus on someone else’s emotional or physical needs, instead of dwelling on what has happened to you, you’re too busy to think about what happened; and you feel a sense of accomplishment instead of hopelessness.

Perhaps your earthshaking event is your company closing, leaving all its employees jobless. You are rightfully devastated by the news, but you know you’re capable of updating your resume to pursue a new job.

What about the person who works beside you and has never written a resume before? Why not suggest you work together to prepare both resumes? Arrange to do mock interviews for each other. A trial run can help alleviate the nervousness, fine tune your own skills, and could just outright make you laugh when you are at a time in your life when you need it most.

2. Look at the event as a not so gentle reminder.

It is so easy to take your life and people you love for granted. When something shakes up your world, it might just be the reminder you need to appreciate everyone, including yourself.

It is easy to perceive there are more important things to do rather than spend time with your loved ones. You don’t have time to go for a walk, or sit together and talk. You have to get the kids somewhere, or perhaps finish that report.

And what about for yourself, when is the last time you took even a few minutes just for you. There’s always tomorrow—right?

When an earthshaking event happens, be grateful for the reminder that you can’t count on there being a tomorrow. Find the time for the people that matter to you, including yourself right now!

Looking for the silver lining like this goes a long way toward helping you deal with it and returns a sense of control in a situation that you didn’t initiate.

3. Respect and accept the strength of forces larger than yourself.

The smartest people in the world, with the best resources, could never stop an earthquake from happening. Sometimes you need to accept that there are forces larger than you at play. Accepting that you simply cannot control everything is an integral part of dealing with difficulties.

4. Appreciate twists in the adventure.

Limiting yourself in fear of what you can’t control will do you no good. Appreciate the adventure of not knowing what might happen next.

Roller-coasters, bungee-jumping, sky-diving and many other man-made attractions are put in place to give people an adrenaline rush, a sensation that while it is happening, you are out of control and terrified. The pay-off is when it is over! Your heart is racing, your palms are sweating and perhaps you are even feeling nauseous—but you did it!

During the earthquake and after, I felt all those emotions and physical sensations.  For days I was paralyzed with the fear of it happening again. The more I gave in to that, the more out of control I felt.

My ability to carry out normal daily tasks was being hindered. With every aftershock I would become instantly sick to my stomach. I would tense every muscle in my body and experience a headache that would further limit my ability to function.

I’d been told the aftershocks could continue for a month or more. I needed to find a way to deal with them to gain back a sense of control.

When the next aftershock hit, I envisioned that I was on a roller-coaster. I relaxed into the motion instead of trying to fight it. While not 100 percent effective the first time, at least I avoided a headache and losing hours of my day. By using this technique I got to the point that I could make it through an aftershock without any problem. It became an adventure—a game.

By considering your earth-shattering event an adventure, you become a contender, no longer a victim holding yourself back. You regain control and are better prepared to find ways to get through it.

5. Consider how it helps you grow.

Every experience is a life lesson. You will be wiser, emotionally stronger, and perhaps have some newfound knowledge or skill in an area you knew nothing about before.

You and your family used to eat out all the time. But now, loss of a job means you no longer can afford to do that. At times you’re not sure how you can even afford to make a meal at home. Out of necessity you get creative. You seek out recipes that are most economical, invent a few of your own. You discover a passion for cooking.

You were considering going back to school for retraining—but had no idea what you would study. Maybe now you do. Some of the most successful entrepreneurs achieved their status from having to deal with a situation they had no control over.

6. Be proud of yourself.

As you work through an earthshaking event, give yourself credit for every step forward. By acknowledging your achievements no matter how small, you regain trust in your ability to fix what you didn’t break. You empower yourself to take the next step. Besides, the situation is beating you up enough—don’t help it!

–

Earthshaking events will continue to happen in our lives; we have no control over that. But we do have the ability to control how we respond. While in the midst of such an event it may seem hopeless and unbeatable but you can do it.

***

Genny Ross-Barons lives on the tropical Island of Roatan, Honduras. Originally from Canada, she spends her days in this idyllic setting on the Caribbean Sea, writing about day-to-day life on Roatan – When not Independently Wealthy or Old Enough to Retire, at http://roatanvortex.com and as DJ Genevieve, on http://roatanradio.com sharing Roatan with the world. Photos here and here.

by Lori Deschene

“The amount of happiness that you have depends on the amount of freedom you have in your heart.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

Nine years ago my heart was in a million little pieces that formed the basis for a million regrets.

I had my first serious relationship in college, when all my insecurities came to a head. My ex-boyfriend had to juggle multiple roles, from therapist to cheerleader to babysitter.

The whole relationship revolved around holding me up. I realized this soon after it ended—that I spent three years expecting someone else to love me when I didn’t love myself. The guilt and shame kept me single for almost a decade.

I dated, but it was always casual. I’d start getting close to someone and then find a way to sabotage it.

Long after I let go of the man, feelings about the relationship held me back. I was afraid of being vulnerable. I was afraid of being hurt. But mostly I was afraid of hurting someone else again and having to live with that.

If you’ve been holding onto an old relationship, now is the perfect time to let go. Here’s how you can start moving on:

1. Practice releasing regrets.

When a relationship ends, it’s tempting to dwell on what you did wrong or what you could have done differently. This might seem productive—like you can somehow change things by rehashing it. You can’t.

All dwelling does is cause you to suffer. When you start revisiting the past in your head, pull yourself into the moment. Focus on the good things in your current situation: the friends who are there for you and the lessons you’ve learned that will help you with future relationships.

It might help to tell your friends to only let you vent for 10 minutes at a time. That way you’re free to express your feelings, but not drown in them.

2. Work on forgiving yourself.

You might think you made the biggest mistake of your life, and if only you didn’t do it you wouldn’t be in pain right now. Don’t go down that road—there’s nothing good down there!

Instead, keep reminding yourself that you are human. You’re entitled to make mistakes; everyone does. And you will learn from them and use those lessons to improve your life.

Also, keep in mind: if you want to feel love again in the future, the first step is to prepare yourself to give and receive it. You can only do that if you feel love toward yourself; and that means forgiving yourself.

3. Don’t think about any time as lost.

If I looked at that unhealthy relationship or the following decade as time lost, I’d underestimate all the amazing things I did in that time. True, I was single throughout my 20s, but that made it easier to travel and devote myself to different passions.

If you’ve been clinging to the past for a while and now feel you’ve missed out, shift the focus to everything you’ve gained. Maybe you’ve built great friendships or made great progress in your career.

When you focus on the positive, it’s easier to move on because you’ll feel empowered and not victimized (by your ex, by yourself, or by time.) Whatever happened in the past, it prepared you for now—and now is full of opportunities for growth, peace, and happiness.

4.  Remember the bad as well as the good.

Brain scientists suggest nearly 20 percent of us suffer from “complicated grief”—a persistent sense of longing for someone we lost with romanticized memories of the relationship. Scientists also suggest this is a biological occurrence; that the longing can have an addictive quality to it, actually rooted in our brain chemistry.

As a result, we tend to remember everything with reverie, as if it was all sunshine and roses. If your ex broke up with you, it may be even more tempting to imagine she or he was perfect and you weren’t.  In all reality, you both have strengths and weaknesses and you both made mistakes.

Remember them now. As I mentioned in the post 40 Ways to Let Go and Feel Less Pain, it’s easier to let go of a human than a hero.

5. Reconnect with who you are outside a relationship.

Unless you hop from relationship to relationship, odds are you lived a fulfilling single life before you got into this one. You were strong, satisfied and happy—at least on the whole.

Remember that person now. Reconnect with any people or interests that may have received less attention while you were attached.

The strong, happy, passionate person you were attracted your ex. That person will get you through this loss and attract someone equally amazing in the future when the time is right. Not a sad, depressed, guilt-ridden person clutching to what once was. If you can’t remember who you are, get to know yourself now. What do you love about life?

6. Create separation.

Hope can be a terrible thing if it keeps you stuck in the past. It’s not easy to end all contact when you feel attached to someone. Breaking off the friendship might feel like ruining your chances at knowing love again.

It’s helped me to change my hopes to broader terms. So instead of wanting a specific person to re-enter your life, want love and happiness—whatever that may look like.

You will know love again. You won’t spend the rest of your life alone. In one way or another, you will meet all kinds of people and create all kinds of possibilities for relationships—if you forgive yourself, let go, and open yourself up, that is.

7. Let yourself feel.

Losing a relationship can feel like a mini-death, complete with a grieving process.

First you’re shocked and in denial. You don’t believe it’s over and you hold out hope. Next you feel hurt and guilty. You should have done things differently. If you did you wouldn’t be in this pain.

Then you feel angry and maybe even start bargaining. It would be different if you gave it a second go. You wouldn’t be so insecure, defensive, or demanding.  Then you might feel depressed and lonely as it hits you how much you’ve lost.

Eventually you start accepting what happened and shift your focus from the past to the future.

You have to go through the feelings as they come, but you can help yourself get through them faster. For example, if you’re dwelling in guilt, make forgiving yourself a daily practice. Read books on it, meditate about it or write about it in a journal.

8. Remember the benefits of moving on.

When you let go, you give yourself peace.

Everything about holding on is torturous. You regret, you feel ashamed and guilty, you rehash, you obsess—it’s all an exercise in suffering. The only way to feel peace is to quiet the thoughts that threaten it.

Letting go opens you up to new possibilities.

When you’re holding onto something, you’re less open to giving and receiving anything else.

If you had your arms wrapped around a huge bucket of water, you wouldn’t be able to give anything other than that bucket, or grab anything else that came your way. You might even struggle breathing because you’re clutching something so all-encompassing with so much effort.

You have to give to receive. Give love to get love, share joy to feel joy. It’s only possible if you’re open and receptive.

9. Recognize and replace fearful thoughts.

When you’re holding onto a relationship, it’s usually more about attachment than love. Love wants for the other person’s happiness. Fear wants to hold onto whatever appears to make you happy so you don’t have to feel the alternative.

You might not recognize these types of fearful thoughts because they become habitual. Some examples include: I’ll never feel loved again. I’ll always feel lonely. I am completely powerless. Replace those thoughts with: All pain passes eventually. It will be easier if I help them pass by being mindful. I can’t always control what happens to me, but I can control how I respond to it.

10. Embrace impermanence.

Nothing in life lasts forever. Every experience and relationship eventually runs its course.

The best way to embrace impermanence is to translate it into action. Treat each day as a life unto itself. Appreciate the people in front of you as if it were their last day on earth. Find little things to gain in every moment instead of dwelling on what you lost.

When I feel like clinging to experiences and people, I remind myself the unknown can be a curse or an adventure. It’s up to me whether or not I’m strong and positive enough to see it as the latter.

–

It took me eight years to work through my feelings about relationships and letting go; but I am happy to report I am 15 months into a healthy relationship, standing firmly on my own two feet. In fact, last night he flew from California to Boston, where I’ve been visiting for the last two weeks, to spend time with me and my family.

I don’t regret the time when I was single, but I know now I could have hurt less and created even more possibilities for myself if I put more effort into completely letting go. I hope you’ll make that choice.

by Celestine Chua

“People who say it cannot be done should not interrupt those who are doing it.” ~Chinese Proverb

When I was in junior college, I wasn’t the best student. I skipped classes, didn’t do my assignments, and barely studied for my tests. Needless to say, I flunked those exams.

After a few months, I realized I didn’t want to continue on like this. If I wanted to make the most out of my life, I had to first be responsible for my studies.

So I buckled down and set out to achieve the best results. It wasn’t easy—and I’m not talking about the studying part. There was resistance all around me. First, my schoolmates weren’t the most positive people in the world.

My college was one of the poorer performing schools then. Many students weren’t happy studying there as it wasn’t their first choice. They often degraded themselves, saying “we’re doomed for failure.”

If that wasn’t enough, my teachers were discouraging, too because many were disgruntled about working there. They kept comparing us with the students from schools they taught in before—the better schools—saying we’d never get anywhere.

I decided to ignore the negativity and spend my energy working on my goals.

At the end of college, I was the top student in my class and won the Most Improved Student Award by the school. I would later enter one of the best Business Schools in Asia, be a Dean’s Lister in all 3 years of my study, and graduate as the top student in my specialization.

If you have aspirations, you’ve dealt with resistance, too, and will deal with more in the future. Here are 6 personal principles to deal with external resistance and excel in life:

1. The bigger the resistance, the greater your potential.

Newton’s Third Law of Motion states for every force, there is an equal, opposing force. It’s the same here—no big dreams ever come true without an equivalent form of resistance. In fact, the bigger the resistance, the greater your potential on the other side.

The biggest achievers in the world got to where they are today only after overcoming endless resistance.

Whenever I face a roadblock, it tells me this is something worth going for. The more roadblocks there are the better. It just makes the end result even sweeter when I overcome these blocks and achieve my goals.

2. Obstacles are there to prevent you from getting to the other side ~Randy Pausch

In Randy Pausch’s The Last Lecture, he talked about how obstacles exist to stop you from getting to the other side. The other side is where your goals and dreams are. Just because you face obstacles doesn’t mean your goals aren’t feasible. It just means you need to tackle these obstacles first to get there.

The obstacles are only a test to weed out people who don’t want their goals enough, and guess what—that’s not you. You are better than that.

Back when I faced resistances, I never once thought my goals were impossible. I knew this was just temporary and it was a matter of time before I achieve my goals. Likewise, whatever resistance you experience is just short-term.

3. Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goals. ~Sydney Smith

Are you spending more time staring at your obstacles? Or do you have your eyes locked on your dreams? The more you spend time thinking about your obstacles, the more you will feel overwhelmed and negative.

Your thoughts are like the seeds in your mind. The kind of thoughts you have will bear fruits of the same nature. Negative thoughts will give you negative fruits, whereas positive thoughts will give you positive fruits. Do you have more negative or positive seeds?

Spend more time thinking about your goals, how they inspire you, why you want them and what they mean to you. These will give you the fuel to take action.

When I pursue my goals, I don’t think about how unfair the world is, why I am facing this, or how scary an obstacle is. These are all disempowering thoughts. I focus on why I want to do something and what it means to me. These empower me and spur me on to take action.

4. Look at the source of the comments before you consider them.

It’s easy to let ourselves be affected by other people’s comments. While you should be open to feedback, you should also factor in where they are coming from.

Who is the person commenting? Is this person’s life the kind of life you aspire to lead? If the commenter isn’t doing so well in the area he is advising on, maybe you should discount what he says to you.

For example, back in school, one of my teachers advised us to “settle” and stop aiming high because we would be setting ourselves up for failure. However, when I looked at her life, she was in her 50s, had been working in the same job for over decades (which was fine, except that she didn’t seem passionate about her work), unmotivated, and negative as a person.

This wasn’t the life I wanted to lead for myself, and hence I decided not to heed what she said. I’m glad I didn’t because it worked out extremely well for me.

5. You don’t have to please everyone. Trying to do so only makes you miserable.

It’s in our inner nature to be inclusive and make everyone happy. However, it’s not possible to please everyone and it’s not worth it to try.

All of us are diverse with our own opinions, beliefs and values, and trying to conform only results in you compromising on your beliefs. Don’t be afraid to disagree where you need to and stand up for yourself. It’s all about learning how to deal with these critical people.

If you face people who are overly resistant to your dreams, consider reducing contact with them and spending more time with the people who support you. Your time is precious; spend it with people who elevate you, not people who pull you down.

6. First they ignore you. Then they laugh at you. Then they fight you. Then you win. ~Mahatma Gandhi

After years of pursuing my goals and dreams, I realized one thing: people resist because they are afraid.

When they hear about your goals and they object, it’s because they’re afraid of who you are and what you can become. More than that, they’re afraid that you might actually be right and they have been undermining their own potential all along.

To quote Marianne Williamson, “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.”

Don’t take resistances personally. People who ignore you, laugh at you, or even fight you do so because they are scared deep down inside. Take your stance and go for what you believe in. Fight for what you want. Go all out in your pursuits.

As long as you keep at it, it’s a matter of time before you achieve what you set out to do. I did that, and I continue to do so every day. You can never go wrong as long as you do what you love to do and set out to live your best life.

by Shelly Iyabode

“He is able who thinks he is able.” ~Buddha

The world has given us many outstanding people.

Although we possess our own unique talents, we look to leaders and mentors as models of action and success. They represent unlocked potential, perseverance and shining lights for us to follow.

Since all paths are unique, we can’t follow exactly where others have been, but we can learn from their examples of confidence and dedication. It’s the difference between saying, “I want to be like Oprah Winfrey” or saying, “I want to be outstanding in my own right, like Oprah Winfrey.”

There are some, like Oprah, who can step out and shine despite hardship and extraordinary challenges. But most people who struggle with self-doubt, fear or harsh circumstances remain stagnant.

It’s not enough to have the dream. It has to be accompanied with a strong belief in your own potential and a spirit driven to meet it.

A crucial step toward being your own version of outstanding is to identify your goals. Be realistic in this process. These goals should be ones you believe you can actually achieve. Goals do not guarantee success but they can create a focal point to form your own personal light or beacon.

Goals are the guides that lead you from where we are to where you aspire to be. Once you’ve identified your goals, you can then begin the task of preparing yourself for the journey.

Believe in yourself—easy to say, but not always easy to do.

This may well be the biggest obstacle on the course to impressing and inspiring yourself. Your socio-economic, personal and geographic challenges matters some, but truly, believing in yourself is the biggest step. Belief is a free resource that is available to everyone. It cannot be bought or sold, but it can indeed be learned, if necessary.

Whether a goal is to simply to work out tomorrow morning or to become president of your neighborhood association Board of Directors, believing you can actually do it is an engine that is powered by only you.

The path to personal greatness—whatever that means to you—is much more valuable if you use every step along the way as practice.

When you wake up tomorrow, wake up in outstanding fashion. When you prepare your clothes for the day, choose something fabulous to wear. Greet people throughout your day in a beautiful way.

Eat wonderful meals. Listen to beautiful music. Compliment those you know and even those you don’t on something you admire about them. Emanate the energy you want to attract.

Eventually, that energy will return to you forming a pattern. If your confidence was running on low before, it will soon begin to fill and radiate within you.

Too euphoric? Well, here’s the other shoe falling.

You will be tested. There will be moments (and days) when being buoyant just doesn’t fit into the plan. Don’t despair. Everyone deals with these moments. Accept them as opportunities to triumph and not to wallow in insecurities. It’s the only productive way to deal with this inevitability.

Use this down time for research or some other lightweight exercise that contributes to your goal. Keep it in sight at all times.

At the same time, don’t trick yourself into thinking that success will come if you do nothing. Consistency is crucial—and luckily, we are all blessed with the gift of determination. All behaviors and actions, no matter the justification, come with a sense of determination. Do something courageous!

Create messages and mantras that inspire you. Surround yourself with experiences and individuals who are inspired, as well. Create the support you need and build your legacy with purpose.

Only you can create and follow the path that makes you feel passionate, meaningful, and happy.