tinybuddha.com

by Melodi Cowan

“What you are is what you have been. What you’ll be is what you do now.” ~Buddha

A teacher of mine once said, “Don’t show up as the person you think you are. Show up as the person you want to be.”

A powerful statement, but I didn’t know who I wanted to be. Even if I did, I wasn’t sure if I could pull it off.

I knew who I didn’t want to be: self-critical, self-conscious and always focusing on my shortcomings. I wanted to learn how to get out of my own way.

For a long time, I thought improving my external situation by becoming richer, thinner, and smarter meant that I was learning. Not to say that accomplishing those things isn’t learning. However, in that cycle I wasn’t learning, but repeating the same story.

I kept trying to get from A to Z by pushing myself and always expected my results to meet my expectations. And the vicious cycle continued. I thought I’m not good enough; I’m pathetic and I’ll never get it right.

Ironically, my desire to learn continued to work against me.

It only brought me further from what I wanted. I now realize how necessary it was for me to relinquish control and create space for something other than my neurosis.

Today, I’m learning about integral awareness—taking in information on all levels, mind, body and spirit. Not resisting, not expecting, not judging, but allowing; removing previous ideas about who I am. I have come to realize that true learning is unlearning.

Another word I associate with learning is deprogramming.

In other words, one must begin by emptying one’s cup.

Bruce Lee once said, “Empty your cup so that it may be filled; become devoid to gain totality.” By emptying my cup, I am making room for new experiences in my life instead of allowing myself to repeat toxic patterns.

In the process of unlearning and letting go, I have experienced some dramatic changes in several areas:

1. My relationships have become healthier.

In the past, I measured the success of my relationships by how well I could control their outcomes. I was often distraught because I continued to attract uncooperative, uncaring and unsupportive situations.

These days, if I attract someone who doesn’t want to operate from an open, supportive and compassionate place then I am okay with letting it fall away. I am learning to walk away, loosen my grip, and look within to understand my experience of what took place.

I recognize that I cannot look to others to heal what is broken in me. I acknowledge that I have the power to heal myself—to shift my awareness.

I push myself to stop complaining and get to work. My new mantra: the victim reacts; the warrior responds. The ego judges; the spirit absolves.

2. My relationship to my body is also experiencing a shift.

By delving deeper into meditation and other mind-body therapies I’ve developed a healthier relationship with body. Previously, I was caught up in my appearance but not so concerned with the negative emotions and toxic substances I was stuffing myself with.

I kept telling myself, “If I look good now, I can just deal with the other stuff later.” Operating this way, I wasn’t in touch with my body. I had to unlearn a completely unhealthy approach, dominated by a feeling of separateness from everyone and everything around me.

3. I notice beauty in things I used to take for granted.

A recent experience that stood out was during a mural walk in San Francisco. I’ll never forget standing there in awe of the Mission District. I drank in the colors, symbolism, beauty, vastness and sacredness of the images.

Connecting to what was actually going on around me I had a deeper experience of sounds, smells, feelings, and even sensations in my body. I silenced my mind, and was rewarded with the ecstatic merging of my inner self and the outer world.

Feet on Ground. Smile on face. Gratitude. Bliss. Peace. Sounds. Sensations. Light and Energy. No purchase necessary. I was truly alive, breathing, in the moment, a drug-free heightened state of awareness. Something a lot easier to achieve than I realized.

4. Writing is no longer a huge source of anxiety.

If “it’s the silence between the notes that makes the music” then it’s pretty much the same with writing. Until recently, I had a difficult relationship with writing. I had so much to say, but lacked the self-worth to actually sit down and get it on paper.

I’m no longer attached to the end result, and I actually enjoy the process. Having “unlearned” my original anxiety-driven approach has provided me with a sense of freedom and movement in my writing.

I am learning how to bring together disparate elements and expertly fuse them into a polished stone. The fear and anxiety isn’t as strong. I’m opening up to exploration and possibilities; thus, leaving my former toxic relationship with words by the wayside.

5. I am finally greeting myself at my own door.

No longer so concerned with the person I want to be, my true self is being revealed through the unlearning and removal of what no longer serves me. I am emptying my cup of fear, doubt and frustration, and am finally looking forward to raising a toast to life.

by Jeanelle Rabadam

“Don’t fear failure so much that you refuse to try new things. The saddest summary of life contains three descriptions: could have, might have, and should have.” ~Unknown

There are two basic human emotions that are the driving force behind each thought, each daily inspiration and that rare but pivotal new-chapter, life-changing decision.  The first is fear and the second, love.

The funny thing, however, is that they are intertwining forces.  In order to feel passionately about something, fear and love must coexist.

One year ago I made what some people would consider an irrational decision.  I had a great job, a flexible boss with rainbow colored work walls to boot.

I had a circle of close-knit, happy-hour-loving girlfriends who brought overflowing amounts of joy and adventure to my life.  Together we’d paint Los Angeles red, fly to Chicago on a “girls’ trip” whim, and celebrate each other’s birthdays in Las Vegas.

Within our friendly beachside neighborhood were my favorite Thai restaurant, faithful yoga studio and the best omelet breakfast spot within a 5 miles radius of each other.  My adoring family was a short one-hour Southwest flight away, so I could always access TLC from Mom and Dad.

I was comfortable, I was happy, but most of all I was where everyone wants to be—safe.

Halfway through the best year of my life to date I decided to make a monumental move.  I quit my rainbow-walled job and applied to graduate schools abroad.

Skimming potential programs I narrowed my choices to three well-known major metropolitan cities:  London, Paris and Barcelona. After much deliberation I decided that while London is bubbling with energy and the French have the most delicious buttery croissants I’ve ever tasted, Barcelona was my true calling.

A California water-loving girl at heart, I can never be far from warm sunshine or the familiar stretch of sandy beaches.

Upon arrival and the few months following, the unexpected feeling of homesickness hit me like a mid-summer tidal wave in the South Pacific.  I was alone in this foreign place, aching in my heart and missing my safe life.

As we oftentimes do when it comes to big decisions, career changes or new mortgages; I doubted myself and the choice I had made.

While waist deep in fear and doubt, strangely enough I was also on an exhilarated high.  Each morning run was an adventure; each trip to the market, something new.

Even though there was a high probability I’d get lost en route, the miniature unknowns were breathtaking and exciting.  I never knew who I would meet or where I would be that weekend.

I took day trips to lining Costa Brava towns and tried yoga classes spoken in a foreign tongue.   Getting back into the classroom was a bit awkward but I submersed myself in bulky case studies and writing, something that has always calmed my racing mind.

Slowly but surely, I made a circle of international friends and discovered new cultures, colorful cuisines and a fascinating European way of life.  In time I opened my heart again and found more love and laughter than I ever dreamed possible between two people.

Despite the initial difficulty, it was worth every chaotic moment to reach this place.

Life is too short and far too precious to waste time going through the safe motions that distract us from what will really bring us joy.  It can be big, or it can be a small or it can be somewhere in the middle.

It can be the fear of quitting your 9–5 job to finally pursue your love affair with the culinary arts.  Or running the marathon that you’re too afraid to try. Or starting the business you’ve always dreamed of.

Or it can very well be finally overcoming your fear of stage fright at Monday Karaoke night for your love of singing.

In our current world where stimulated ideas, new opportunities and innovative minds are so openly welcomed, oftentimes the biggest thing standing in the way is ourselves.

So take the leap of faith in yourself, or someone else for that matter.  Go back to school, finally start your blog or accomplish the resolutions that have been making cameos on your New Year’s list for the past five years standing.

At the end of it all we all have two life lists: All the things we actually did.  And all the things we wish happened.

Focus on building the first list, starting right here and now.

by Founder Lori Deschene

“Criticism is something you can easily avoid by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing.” ~Aristotle

At the end of the day, when I feel completely exhausted, oftentimes it has nothing to do with all the things I’ve done.

It’s not a consequence of juggling multiple responsibilities and projects. It’s not my body’s way of punishing me for becoming a late-life jogger after a period of cardiovascular laziness. It’s not even about getting too little sleep.

When I’m exhausted, you can be sure I’ve bent over backwards trying to win everyone’s approval. I’ve obsessed over what people think of me, I’ve assigned speculative and usually inaccurate meanings to feedback I’ve received, and I’ve lost myself in negative thoughts about criticism and its merit.

I work at minimizing this type of behavior—and I’ve had success for the most part—but admittedly it’s not easy.

I remember back in college, taking a summer acting class, when I actually made the people around me uncomfortable with my defensiveness. This one time, the teacher was giving me feedback after a scene in front of the whole class. She couldn’t get through a single sentence without me offering some type of argument.

After a couple minutes of verbal sparring, one of my peers actually said, “Stop talking. You’re embarrassing yourself.”

Looking back, I cut myself a little slack. You’re vulnerable in the spotlight and the student’s reaction was kind of harsh. But I know I needed to hear it. Because I was desperately afraid of being judged, I took everything, from everyone as condemnation.

I realize criticism doesn’t always come gently from someone legitimately trying to help. A lot of the feedback we receive is unsolicited and doesn’t come from teachers—or maybe all of it does.

We can’t control what other people will say to us, whether they’ll approve or form opinions and share them. But we can control how we internalize it, respond to it, and learn from it, and when we release it and move on.

If you’ve been having a hard time dealing with criticism lately, it may help to remember the following:

The Benefits of Criticism:

Personal Growth

1. Looking for seeds of truth in criticism encourages humility. It’s not easy to take an honest look at yourself and your weaknesses, but you can only grow if you’re willing to try.

2. Learning from criticism allows you to improve. Almost every critique gives you a tool to more effectively create the tomorrow you visualize.

3. Criticism opens you up to new perspectives and new ideas you may not have considered. Whenever someone challenges you, they help expand your thinking.

4. Your critics give you an opportunity to practice active listening. This means you resist the urge to analyze in your head, planning your rebuttal, and simply consider what the other person is saying.

5. You have the chance to practice forgiveness when you come up against harsh critics. Most of us carry around stress and frustration that we unintentionally misdirect from time to time.

Emotional Benefits

6. It’s helpful to learn how to sit with the discomfort of an initial emotional reaction instead of immediately acting or retaliating. All too often we want to do something with our feelings—generally not a great idea!

7. Criticism gives you the chance to foster problem solving skills, which isn’t always easy when you’re feeling sensitive, self-critical, or annoyed with your critic.

8. Receiving criticism that hits a sensitive spot helps you explore unresolved issues. Maybe you’re sensitive about your intelligence because you’re holding onto something someone said to you years ago—something you need to release.

9. Interpreting someone else’s feedback is an opportunity for rational thinking—sometimes, despite a negative tone, criticism is incredibly useful.

10. Criticism encourages you to question your instinctive associations and feelings; praise is good, criticism is bad. If we recondition ourselves to see things in less black and white terms, there’s no stop to how far we can go!

Improved Relationships

11. Criticism presents an opportunity to choose peace over conflict. Oftentimes, when criticized our instinct is to fight, creating unnecessary drama. The people around us generally want to help us, not judge us.

12. Fielding criticism well helps you mitigate the need to be right. Nothing closes an open mind like ego—bad for your personal growth, and damaging for relationships.

13. Your critics give you an opportunity to challenge any people-pleasing tendencies. Relationships based on a constant need for approval can be draining for everyone involved. It’s liberating to let people think whatever they want—they’re going to do it anyway.

14. Criticism gives you the chance to teach people how to treat you. If someone delivers it poorly, you can take this opportunity to tell them, “I think you make some valid points, but I would receive them better if you didn’t raise your voice.”

15. Certain pieces of criticism teach you not to sweat the small stuff. In the grand scheme of things, it doesn’t matter that your boyfriend thinks you load the dishwasher “wrong.”

Time Efficiency

16. The more time you spend dwelling about what someone said, the less time you have to do something with it.

17. If you improve how you operate after receiving criticism, this will save time and energy in the future. When you think about from that perspective—criticism as a time saver—it’s hard not to appreciate it!

18. Fostering the ability to let go of your feelings and thoughts about being critiqued can help you let go in other areas of your life. Letting go of worries, regrets, stresses, fears, and even positive feelings helps you root yourself in the present moment. Mindfulness is always the most efficient use of time.

19. Criticism reinforces the power of personal space. Taking 10 minutes to process your emotions, perhaps by writing in a journal, will ensure you respond well. And responding the well the first time prevents one critical comment from dominating your day.

20. In some cases, criticism teaches you how to interact with a person, if they’re negative or hostile, for example. Knowing this can save you a lot of time and stress in the future.

Self Confidence

21. Learning to receive false criticism—feedback that has no constructive value—without losing your confidence is a must if you want to do big things in life. The more attention your work receives, the more criticism you’ll have to field.

22. When someone criticizes you, it shines a light on your own insecurities. If you secretly agree that you’re lazy, you should get to the root of that. Why do you believe that—and what can you do about it?

23. Learning to move forward after criticism, even if you don’t feel incredibly confident, ensures no isolated comment prevents you from seizing your dreams. Think of it as separating the wheat from the chaff; takes what’s useful, leave the rest, and keep going!

24. When someone else appraises your harshly, you have an opportunity to monitor your internal self-talk. Research indicates up to 80% of our thoughts are negative. Take this opportunity to monitor and change your thought processes so you don’t drain and sabotage yourself!

25. Receiving feedback well reminds you it’s OK to have flaws—imperfection is part of being human. If you can admit weakness and work on them without getting down on yourself, you’ll experience far more happiness, peace, enjoyment, and success.

We are all perfectly imperfect, and other people may notice that from time to time. We may even notice in it each other.

Somehow accepting that is a huge weight off my mind.

by Lori Deschene

In three weeks, my boyfriend and I might move from the Bay area to LA; or we might move in here with roommates if he decides not pursue a film career.

I am starting a new work-from-home writing gig to pay my bills while I write my book. It might be something I can do in under two days a week, or it may require more time. It may provide enough money, or I might need to get some other work to supplement.

If we move, I might enjoy LA; I might not. I might balance everything well; I might feel overwhelmed. I might make new friends easily in my new area; it might take me a while to find like-minded people.

My world is a towering stack of mights right now. Though I’m dealing with a lot more change than usual, the reality is that most days start and end with uncertainty.

Even when you think you’ve curled into a cozy cocoon of predictability, anything could change in a heartbeat.

The only constant in life is that it will involve change–and try as you may to control the future, sometimes all you can do is trust that whatever happens, you can adapt and make the best of it.

Since I am straddling familiarity and the unknown, waiting to form some type of expectations for my future, I’ve been thinking a lot about dealing with uncertainty well. Though I’ve written before about embracing an uncertain future, I have a few more ideas to add to the mix:

1. Replace expectations with plans.

When you form expectations, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment. You can guide your tomorrow, but you can’t control the exact outcome. If you expect the worst, you’ll probably feel too negative and closed-minded to notice and seize opportunities. If you expect the best, you’ll create a vision that’s hard to live up to.

Instead of expecting the future to give you something specific, focus on what you’ll do to create what you want to experience. I might be lonely in LA; or I might move into an apartment building full of yogis who enjoy Scrabble. None of that is in my hands right now. What is in my hands is what I plan–what I will actively do when I get there to meet friends, find balance and live the life I want.

2. Prepare for different possibilities.

The most difficult part of uncertainty, at least for me, is the inability to plan and feel in control. Until I know where I am going to live, I can’t plan what neighborhood I’d like to live in, where I’ll practice yoga, or what events I’ll attend to meet people. But I can plan for the possibilities.

I can make a list for what I would do if I were to move to LA versus what I’d do if I stay local. Obviously the latter doesn’t require much change, so all I really need is one plan and the flexibility to embrace it if necessary.

3. Become a feeling observer.

It isn’t the uncertainty that bothers me; it’s my tendency to get lost in my feelings about it.

The second I start indulging fear, I get lost in a cycle of reactionary thoughts. “I might be lonely,” leads to, “How will I meet people?” Before you know it, I’ve somehow traveled all the way to, “What if I become a recluse, start overeating, and develop restless leg syndrome from sitting too much–alone–on my couch?”

OK, so that’s a slight exaggeration. The point is that speculation leads to feelings which can lead to more speculation and then more feelings. It helps me to stop the cycle by recognizing the feeling–in that case fear–and the reminding myself: I can’t possibly predict the future, but I can help create it by fostering positive feelings about the possibilities.

4. Get confident about your coping and adapting skills.

This isn’t the same as “expect the worst.” It’s more about assuring yourself that you can handle any difficulty that might come. In her book, The Positive Power of Negative Thinking, Julie K. Norem discusses the concept of defensive pessimism–when you consider the worst so you can plan how you’d handle it. This has actually shown to help people manage anxiety.

Ask yourself, “What’s the worst that can happen?” In my case, the worst would be if my boyfriend didn’t make a decision at all and we stayed in our current living situation (overcrowded and cluttered). I wouldn’t like it, but I could handle it. I could write at the library. I could take the opportunity to downsize my stuff. I could deal, which makes the uncertainty a little less scary.

5. Utilize stress reduction techniques preemptively.

If you’re dealing with uncertainty, you probably have stress in your body even if it’s not at the forefront of your thoughts in this exact moment. Over time, that body stress affects blood pressure, blood sugar, muscle tension, cholesterol level, breathing rate and every organ in your body.

Incorporate stress reduction techniques into your day, ideally meditation, even if just 5-10 minutes daily. Finding your center will help you feel better prepared to tackle whatever comes your way.

6. Focus on what you can control.

Oftentimes we overlook the little things we can do to make life easier while obsessing about the big things we can’t do.

For example, my boyfriend and I are cramped in a small space with little storage. My clothes are in bags spaced throughout the room like some kind of luggage booby trap. At times, I’ve gotten really frustrated with the chaos since I feel I don’t know where anything is.

Every time I couldn’t find something, I started complaining about wanting to move now. Suddenly it dawned on me: moving now just isn’t an option, but I can make this living situation more bearable if I stop complaining and focus on a short-term solution. I asked my boyfriend to help me organize the space and keep it that way, and now I feel a lot less scattered.

7. Practice mindfulness.

When you obsess about a tomorrow you can’t control, you’re too busy judging what hasn’t happened yet to fully experience what’s happening right now. Instead of noticing and appreciating the beauty in the moment, you get trapped in a fear-driven thought cycle about the potential for discomfort down the line.

While meditation is the best way to become more mindful, it isn’t the only approach. Sometimes it helps me to take an inventory of what’s good in today. So I can’t yet plan for tomorrow–that doesn’t have to be a bad thing. That means I can spend today doing other things, like writing, reading, relaxing in the sun, and connecting with people I love.

–

If ever you think you’ve created a controllable, predictable life for yourself, you can rest assured that’s an illusion. Nothing stays the same forever. The uncertainty can keep you up at night, obsessing over ways to protect yourself from anything that might go wrong. Or it can motivate you to practice acceptance, live in the moment, and embrace the adventure of living.

What’s coming tomorrow might not be easy; or it might fulfill you in ways you didn’t know to imagine. What’s certain is that it will come, and when it gets here, you’ll respond to it, learn from it, and move into another tomorrow full of endless possibilities.

Today I’m focusing on my possibilities, not my fear, and suddenly I feel a lot better.

Read more about me on the About page, in the FAQs, on lorideschene.com, or on Twitter @lori_deschene. If you enjoy the site, please support Tiny Buddha! You can also submit a post to email @ tinybuddha.com. Photo by Alejandra Mavroski.

by Cat Li Stevenson

“The future is completely open, and we are writing it moment to moment.” ~Pema Chodron

This past year has been one of tremendous self-discovery. One day, I suddenly realized after 9 years of a very straight finance paved path that I no longer wanted to be a corporate banker.

Instead, I wanted to wake up each morning with a bigger purpose—a brand of who I was, and what I stood for outside of this corporate lifestyle.

Since that day, I seemed to be on a tiresome pursuit in finding my story. I even seriously debated moving out of the country to build character and expand my journey.

While my own story is still one that remains on the preface page, I have realized in several months of contemplation that discovering our personal novel is not formed by rushing the process or constant over analyzing.

It is, instead, a compilation of daily experiences, perspective, and the wisdom we receive from these that shapes our meaning.

We all have a truly unique story, but we don’t have to be in a hurry to write it or create it. When we start living life, instead of always trying to figure it out, our story—our meaning, our purpose—will present itself in amazing ways.

Here are five activities I have found helpful in discovering my world:

1. Share three “Grateful Statements” a Day

It’s remarkable how your day and life can become instantly transformed by realizing the gifts and abundance that exist all around you right here, right now.

Drop a line through text, email or a good old-fashioned phone call with a sister, friend, boyfriend, or anyone else close to you about something you’re grateful for.

It can be a simple grateful—how you have AC in your car in the sweltering heat, for example. A grateful approach will awaken you to see the world that exists in front of you today; leading to happier, brighter, more meaningful days.

2. Explore Contrast Exercises

If you are a night person like I am, you get a surge of energy at 11PM and manage to find something— anything—to keep you occupied way past your bedtime.

I recently (and not easily) began going to bed by 10PM. This way, I  could get up in the morning for a run or a spin class, followed by a morning meditation before I started on my commute.

I am in awe at how the day looks and feels different by waking up at a new hour, from the sunrise to the increased productivity level I have by mid-morning.

If you are a morning person, try staying up until the midnight hour and notice the difference around you. Or if you enjoy taking walks at night as part of your workout regiment, what happens if you try out a new, hip-hop class at your gym instead?

When exploring other parts of your day that you’re not aware of by making small adjustments, a whole new discovery and perspective may surface.

3. Commit to 30 Days of Excellence

This year my husband and I have made a fun activity of practicing 30 days of excellence. We’ve done everything from “30 days of going to bed on time” to “30 days of five-minute, daily meditation” to “30 days of being mindful about our attitude and what we share.”

Committing to 30 days of excellence to form a habit can transcend and improve your world. It will give you the energy and inspiration to take on the next step in your journey of discovery.

4. Write an “I want…” List

There are tons of articles and books out there about knowing what it is you want to do with your life. I am here to repeat this important exercise: Write “I want…” at the top of a piece of paper or your journal and start writing without pausing to think.

Keep this list at your bedside and revisit it daily. By tuning into knowing exactly what it is you want, you will be able to identify it when you see it, without it passing by without notice.

5. Create a Board of Inspiration

I have a fascination with cards. Ever since I was a little girl, I would make cards from scratch for every occasion and everyone around me.

We constantly had visitors and family members visit from Taiwan when I was younger. I’d always show up at the airport with a personalized card welcoming the guest to town.

Now, 20 plus years later, I still love cards. Instead of creating them, I collect them. I enjoy finding meaningful messages and quotes in card shops. Recently, I purchased a blank canvas where I’ve pasted each of those cards in a square and hung it up in a place in my home office. I revisit them every day to stay inspired.

What inspires you? Is it a photo of a place you once visited? A picture from a travel magazine you want to vacation to? Or perhaps a CD cover from your favorite artist? Create a board of inspiration, visit it daily, and let it speak to you.

Make yourself inspired to continually discover your world. Your world unfolds in the process.

by Sonya Derian

Good decisions come from experience, and experience comes from bad decisions.  ~Unknown

A reader recently wrote to me:

“I struggle with making decisions and always second guess myself… I recently had to make a decision about something and after giving it a lot of thought, I decided. Now, months later, my decision is eating me up and I can’t stop thinking I made the wrong decision. So I guess my point is once you decide, how do you stop yourself from second guessing?”

I know I’ve been there, having made a decision I not only second guessed, but wish I hadn’t made—and couldn’t take back.

I think there are two parts to each of us: who we are day to day, and who we are in our broader intentions. Second guessing comes when the smaller part—the one that is at the effect of everything—is afraid of the greater part that’s forging a new way.

When we make any decision, for better or for worse, we affect change. And sometimes it’s scary to be responsible for the change we affect. That’s why I love the saying. “Make a decision. And then make the decision right.”

We never know where our decisions will lead us and we can’t know before making them what the aftermath might be. But only after making the decision can we deal with what comes next. Never before.

There is an assumption that a decision that ends up hurting someone’s feelings, causing friction. or rocking the boat is somehow a wrong decision.

But why would that be the case?

It could mean the broader part of you helped you make that decision in order to break something open, learn how to deal with discomfort, learn how to create a boundary or take care of yourself amidst someone else’s disapproval.

It could mean the broader part of you helped you make that decision to learn how to create dialogue, deepen a relationship, or simply say “I’m sorry. I made a mistake”.

There is no such thing as a wrong decision because we are always course correcting. The way a pilot navigates a plane from one place to the next is by setting the course destination before taking flight and then course correcting along the way.

Similarly, that’s how we grow. Taking from what we have learned from the past and building on it for the future.

That being said, how can we allow the process to unfold more smoothly? What can we do to stop ourselves from second guessing? I’ve come up with these five suggestions:

1.  Trust yourself.

Making a decision sometimes forces you to grow in areas where you’re not comfortable. When you second guess yourself it’s usually because of that discomfort. But it’s important to remember that change happens incrementally. Even if you’re not seeing an obvious positive result yet, it might be coming. And your broader intentions led you there for that reason.

2. Choose a new thought.

Stop entertaining the idea of having made a wrong decision. There is no power in that. Instead, know that things are working out for your good and that you are learning and growing while you find your bearings.

3. Assess what you’re learning.

Because we are always in a state of flux, there may very well be things you will do differently the next time. Ask yourself, if I had to do it over, what would I do differently? And then congratulate yourself because this is how new behavior is born! You can’t learn if you’re not playing the game.

4. Get comfortable with mistakes.

There is such a thing as grace. Time gives us an opportunity to fix all sorts of things we think we may have screwed up. There is power in simply letting things go and deciding to re-evaluate them at a future date.

Ask yourself “What if I did make a wrong decision? Is it okay for me to have made a mistake?” And then let it go. Getting comfortable with making mistakes could have entirely been the lesson! But we are always making the best decisions we have access to at the moment.

5. Finally, go easy on yourself.

Like a friend of mine likes to say, “Life is a hard hat zone. We are always under construction”.

You are not who you were yesterday and you are not who you will be tomorrow. So, make peace with that. Life is full of second chances. We are always in a state of evolution.

In learning how to walk, you had to crawl first, and maybe you wobbled and skinned your knees a few times. But eventually, you found your bearings and trusted your stability. As tiny as you were, you were able to stand straight and put one foot in front of the other as you moved forward.

Not so far off from what it’s like as an adult.

Want to submit a post? Read the submission guidelines and then send it to Lori at email @ tinybuddha.com.

by Shelly Iyabode

“He is able who thinks he is able.” ~Buddha

The world has given us many outstanding people.

Although we possess our own unique talents, we look to leaders and mentors as models of action and success. They represent unlocked potential, perseverance and shining lights for us to follow.

Since all paths are unique, we can’t follow exactly where others have been, but we can learn from their examples of confidence and dedication. It’s the difference between saying, “I want to be like Oprah Winfrey” or saying, “I want to be outstanding in my own right, like Oprah Winfrey.”

There are some, like Oprah, who can step out and shine despite hardship and extraordinary challenges. But most people who struggle with self-doubt, fear or harsh circumstances remain stagnant.

It’s not enough to have the dream. It has to be accompanied with a strong belief in your own potential and a spirit driven to meet it.

A crucial step toward being your own version of outstanding is to identify your goals. Be realistic in this process. These goals should be ones you believe you can actually achieve. Goals do not guarantee success but they can create a focal point to form your own personal light or beacon.

Goals are the guides that lead you from where we are to where you aspire to be. Once you’ve identified your goals, you can then begin the task of preparing yourself for the journey.

Believe in yourself—easy to say, but not always easy to do.

This may well be the biggest obstacle on the course to impressing and inspiring yourself. Your socio-economic, personal and geographic challenges matters some, but truly, believing in yourself is the biggest step. Belief is a free resource that is available to everyone. It cannot be bought or sold, but it can indeed be learned, if necessary.

Whether a goal is to simply to work out tomorrow morning or to become president of your neighborhood association Board of Directors, believing you can actually do it is an engine that is powered by only you.

The path to personal greatness—whatever that means to you—is much more valuable if you use every step along the way as practice.

When you wake up tomorrow, wake up in outstanding fashion. When you prepare your clothes for the day, choose something fabulous to wear. Greet people throughout your day in a beautiful way.

Eat wonderful meals. Listen to beautiful music. Compliment those you know and even those you don’t on something you admire about them. Emanate the energy you want to attract.

Eventually, that energy will return to you forming a pattern. If your confidence was running on low before, it will soon begin to fill and radiate within you.

Too euphoric? Well, here’s the other shoe falling.

You will be tested. There will be moments (and days) when being buoyant just doesn’t fit into the plan. Don’t despair. Everyone deals with these moments. Accept them as opportunities to triumph and not to wallow in insecurities. It’s the only productive way to deal with this inevitability.

Use this down time for research or some other lightweight exercise that contributes to your goal. Keep it in sight at all times.

At the same time, don’t trick yourself into thinking that success will come if you do nothing. Consistency is crucial—and luckily, we are all blessed with the gift of determination. All behaviors and actions, no matter the justification, come with a sense of determination. Do something courageous!

Create messages and mantras that inspire you. Surround yourself with experiences and individuals who are inspired, as well. Create the support you need and build your legacy with purpose.

Only you can create and follow the path that makes you feel passionate, meaningful, and happy.

by Jared Akers

“Those who are free of resentful thoughts surely find peace.” ~Buddha

Life is short. Time spent feeling angry or resentful about things that happened or didn’t happen is time squandered.

What’s that? You think those feelings motivate you and help you get things done? Hogwash! If you’re honest with yourself, you realize getting things done isn’t the end goal. The goal is to feel fulfilled and happy.

Accomplishments fueled by resentment and anger seldom contribute to serenity and fulfillment. More importantly, the moments you spent crossing things off your to-do list with a scowl slip away without giving you anything positive. They’re gone; never to return.

Resentment is like a cancer that eats away at time—time which could have been filled with love and joy.

Here are four powerful tips to reduce resentments and live a happier life.

1. Think Loving Thoughts for the Person You Resent

You’re probably thinking, “You can’t be serious.” Hear me out.

What’s the opposite of anger, hate, or fear? That’s right: love. By sending only love towards someone, praying that they receive all the wonderful things you want for yourself in life, you’re slowly chiseling away at negative emotions that do you more harm than good. Don’t believe me? Try it.

Whether or not you believe in prayer, you can still set aside time during the day to think loving thoughts about someone you resent, wishing them good fortune and blessings. Say it out loud, “God/Buddha/Creator/Universe/Door Knob/etc.: please give love, health and peace to Lisa today.”

At first it will most likely feel awkward and meaningless, not to mention difficult. It may take weeks, months or even years, but eventually you’ll notice where there were once ill feelings, now there is peace and love. And that you start actually meaning it!

A good rule of thumb for this exercise is trying it every day for at least for fourteen days.

2. Check Your Motives and Expectations

The best way to eliminate resentment is not to set yourself up for it.

For example, think about when people ask you to do things for them. You probably form expectations about what they’ll do for you in return. If there’s a hint of what’s in it for me, chances are you’re headed for some resentment.

This can be difficult to assess before taking action. If a friend is moving (again) and asks for your help (again) maybe you’re thinking to yourself “I better help because I know I’ll need it when I move next year.”

Next year when you move what happens if your friend doesn’t show up? Booyah!

When you give without expectations—only when you’re comfortable giving for the sake of it—you’re less likely to resent people for letting you down.

3. Be Grateful

A heart that is full of gratitude has little room for conceits or resentment. I utilize something called a gratitude list. Whenever I’m feeling stressed, resentful, or angry, I put pen to paper and write down at least ten things I’m grateful for in that particular moment.

It’s difficult to resent what you don’t have when you’re focusing your energy on what you do have.

4. Stay Open to Different Outcomes

The key to finding happiness is realizing that you already possess everything you need to be happy. When you realize happiness is an inside job, you’re less apt to place demands on other people and situations.

Reducing resentment takes practice and mindfulness. First, you have to become aware of how they manifest and why. A few summer’s ago I had the perfect opportunity to do just that.

I was looking forward to the first weekend my fiancé and I would get to enjoy our pool since we opened it for the summer. I had been thinking about this all week, planning to relax with a good book and soak up some rays.

Saturday morning came and we had to deliver a new paint sprayer to my fiancé’s son and his wife who were preparing to paint their new home. Subconsciously, or maybe consciously, I knew a nice paint sprayer would save them time and ultimately get us out of having to help.

Upon arriving, we realized they’d already begun painting and didn’t want or need the sprayer. That’s OK I thought, at least we tried. Then out of no where my fiancé offered our help for the day! What was she doing? Didn’t she know the important commitment of lounging I had planned for today?

I could feel the resentment rising from deep inside as I visualized my lazy afternoon vanish into sweat and countless trips up and down a ladder. Being mindful, I recognized this and removed myself from the situation.

I found a quiet spot under a tree and sat to meditate for a minute. I asked for acceptance, guidance, and willingness, and sat there quietly and concentrated on my breathing. Then it came to me in a flash. It was simple and profound:

Years from now, what will I remember the most—the day I sat by the pool doing nothing or the day I helped my future stepson and his wife paint their house?

The choice was easy. The day turned out perfect and I learned a powerful lesson about expectations. It’s OK to have them at times, but the ability to be happy and experience peace at any given moment is not contingent on how I expected an event to occur.

We all have the ability to manage expectations, change our state of mind and ultimately be happy regardless of how we expect things will unfold.

Pretty cool and powerful I think.

by Alexis Montgomery

“Don’t be pushed by your problems. Be led by your dreams.” ~Unknown

In college, you had your whole life planned out.

You’d earn your degree in psychology, go on to a master’s program, and in no time, you’d be running your own private practice—earning a tidy living while helping others to become healthy, functioning individuals.

Or maybe you thought a degree in filmmaking would springboard you to fame as the next big documentarian, tackling the cause of the little man to overwhelming acclaim.

Whatever your big dreams in college, you’ve no doubt realized that the world presents some limitations when it comes to reaching them.  So how do you deal with life in the real world while continuing to work toward your dreams?

1. Have a plan.

This is easier said than done, but if you want to realize your career goals, you really need to lay out a step-by-step plan of action.

Don’t know how to get into the music biz?  Start by taking an internship and work your way up.  Interested in running your own green technology company?  See what’s already out there and then pick up some literature about finding your niche and forming a business plan.  Talk to a loan officer at your bank to find out the steps necessary to attain a business loan.

There are many paths to reach your goals, but you may have to work to find them.

2. Be flexible.

Even a good plan may not get you where you want to go.  Or once you get there, you might decide it’s not what you wanted after all.  It’s okay.  Apparently, the happiest people change their career path at least five times in their adult life.

Let’s face it, even a fun and fulfilling occupation can get repetitive.  And more likely than not, you have a wide variety of talents and interests that will continue to expand throughout your adult life.  Don’t be afraid to explore them.  You never know which one could become your next option for employment.

3. Listen to the experts.

You don’t know everything and neither does anyone else, but there are certainly people who have more knowledge and experience than you.  Finding the right person to mentor you on your career path can make a big difference in how well you perform and how fast you progress.

It used to be that young people would apprentice to learn their trade.  While that is rarely done today, you can often find people in your chosen profession who have been around for awhile and would be happy to teach you the tricks of the trade. Don’t let a golden opportunity pass you by.

4. Learn to budget.

If you haven’t yet learned to set a budget for yourself, there’s no time like the present! You’ll be far better equipped to pursue your dreams if you aren’t stressed and overwhelmed by bills.  You can talk to a financial planner, but why not start saving now by looking online for some budgeting tips (for free)?

There are all kinds of websites that offer comprehensive budget plans, but the basics include calculating what you earn and comparing it to what you spend.  This seems pretty basic, but there are a lot of people who get their paycheck only to watch every last penny go to bills.  A smart budget will help you save for the future.

5. Don’t fall prey to the money trap.

It’s easy to get stuck in a job that pays the bills.  You get comfortable in your cubicle and suddenly it seems like too much work to go back to school for your master’s degree.  And why struggle to launch your art career when web design affords you a nice apartment and spending cash?

All of us have been there, but it won’t be long before you become supremely dissatisfied with your day job if it isn’t where your heart is.  By all means, earn a stable living, but don’t let your loftier goals fall by the wayside.  Complacency will get you nowhere near achieving your ambitions.

6. Don’t let the man get you down.

There are plenty of people out there who will tell you your goals are worthless or unattainable.  Adults are always finding ways to say no.  So look to your inner child, who knows that anything is possible, for inspiration.

With perseverance and a plan, you can reach your goals—don’t let anyone tell you different.  Block out the negativity and focus on what you can reasonably do to keep yourself on track.  If all else fails, think of how silly those nay-sayers will feel when you accept your Grammy award.

7. Find balance.

Work isn’t everything!  Sure, you have to pay your dues when you’re the new kid on the block, but don’t make it a habit.  All work and no play is a recipe for burnout, so make sure you draw a line when it comes to overtime and extra work.

If you’re lucky, you’re career will involve an activity that allows you to come home at night with a sense of satisfaction. But honestly, that won’t always be the case.

Ultimately, you work to ensure financial stability.  But if you don’t leave yourself any time to enjoy the fruits of your labor, what’s the point?

Becoming an adult is not some magical transformation that happens overnight.  You don’t just wake up one day with a house, a wife, 2.5 kids, and gainful employment.

Part of being responsible for yourself is taking control of your life rather than letting others dictate your path. Don’t be afraid to stick to your guns.  Be proactive, know your options, and find a way to fit in some fun for yourself.  Only you can make your goals materialize—so get started!

Lori’s Shout Out: Today is the launch day for You Cannot Be Serious: and 32 Other Rules that Sustain a (Mostly Balanced) Mom! Look for my review in upcoming weeks, or buy today on Amazon to receive countless bonus gifts.

by Sonya Derian

“When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.” ~Lao Tzu

Ever since my birthday in December, I’ve been changing things up. I think it’s good once in a while to take inventory and make new decisions.

You don’t always have to analyze why you decided to do something, or where you went wrong, or where it all started. Sometimes, you can just stand where you are, decide you want something different and then do something about it.

I realized in doing this, even though change can be scary, it can sometimes feel downright refreshing!

The thing we sometimes don’t realize is how in charge of our lives we really are. We think change has to come from the outside—that we have to be the recipients of change. Something needs to happen to us before do something about it.

You have to lose weight because your blood pressure is too high. You have to look for a new job because you got laid off. You have to move because your job requires it.

But what if you initiated the change in your life because it was simply time?

Time to get in shape. Time to earn a living that makes you happy. Time to follow that passion you’ve kept buried for so long. Time to eat healthier. Time to wake up earlier. Time to get out there socially. Time to overcome a fear that has been inhibiting us from living fully.

What if it was simply time to start making some new decisions?

This weekend, I decided it was time to upgrade my wardrobe. I invited a friend who appeared to know how to dress beautifully and cost effectively, to help me shop.

Not really following the trends, myself—and consistently picking the same boring wear, year after year—I promised her that I would let her pick out the clothing and that I would keep an open mind. I sat in the dressing room while she brought me jeans, blouses, jackets, dresses and skirts in all styles I would never (ever) choose for myself.

“I would never wear that in a million years”, I would say about the fluffy blouse on the hanger.

“Humor me,” she’d say, “and try it on.”

“I could never wear this out,” I would tell her looking in the mirror at the skirt.

“Really?” she’d look at me. “Why not?”

And what it came down to was this: I was uncomfortable. Uncomfortable in a new look. Uncomfortable in feminine clothing. Uncomfortable to be caught dead in anything different than I was used to.

But after enough of “humoring” her chosen styles, I actually came to appreciate the new look. After discovering new ways of layering, mixing and matching, and getting comfortable with simply being uncomfortable, I became oddly satisfied.

I was finally braving a new wardrobe!

And then came the real test: When we returned to my place she looked at my closet and said, “Okay, now we need to make room for this clothing. Mind if I get rid of some of this old stuff?”

I watched as she threw out my longtime favorite turtleneck (“too boxy,” she said), my well worn clogs (“these have seen their day”), my new sweater (“this does nothing for your figure”), my crocheted sweater (“it’s grandma clothing”), while the pile kept building on the floor.

To ease my discomfort she said, “These are just my suggestions. You can keep what you want.” But I knew she was right. It was time. And so, before having the day to change my mind, I bagged up the old clothing and got it ready to donate.

There’s something refreshing about taking on a new look, or a new challenge or a new habit. There is a feeling of empowerment that comes from making a new decision.

Because the thing is, you are not just taking on the new activity. You are taking on your life. You are deciding to be the one in charge.

I say in 30 Ways to Live Out Loud, “We are not victims of circumstances. We are victors of circumstances.” And isn’t this a better place to be?

This same weekend of changing out my wardrobe, I got an email from my sister in LA. She tells me there is a 13 mile marathon happening in Healdsburg that I should look into. I don’t run. I haven’t run in years. But I checked it out.

It’s the most beautiful time of year on the most scenic route in the wine country. How could I not participate?

So I signed up. And I signed her up.  Because now I have a good excuse to get into shape and hang out with my sister.

Starting over doesn’t have to be difficult. It can be immediate and adventurous and exciting. It can be intoxicating and exhilarating and fun.

And it can be all of these things starting with just one decision. Just one.

Have fun with it. Let it work for you. Decide what isn’t working. Make a new decision. Begin again.

Or said another way: Discover. Create. Play. And then discover once more.

Want to contribute a post? Read our submission guidelines then drop us a line at email @ tinybuddha.com.