tinybuddha.com

by Sam Russell

“Compassion and happiness are not a sign of weakness but a sign of strength.” ~Dalai Lama

Showing compassion is one of the best ways to make the world a better place.

It isn’t always easy to have compassion for people—if they’ve hurt you, don’t see things the way you do, or seem to cause many of their own problems. It’s also easy to forget about certain people—people who live on the street, people who don’t have the voice to speak out, and sometimes even ourselves.

I freely admit that my compassion levels plummet in some of those cases and I end up feeling tremendous guilt when I realize what a beast I’ve been. It’s something I work at.

I think most of us could also put a little more thought into showing compassion for animals and the world around us. They are just as worthy, and the act just as important and rewarding.

Compassion is like a muscle; the more you work it, the stronger it becomes. Here are a few ways simple ways to work that muscle and make the world a better place:

1. Remember: Everyone’s Litter is Our Litter

It’s so easy to walk past an empty packet of whatever discarded on the floor and pretend it’s not there—consciously and unconsciously.

Everyone must be acutely aware of our rapidly changing environment. We can see it all around us as we become increasingly urbanized. We see it, or rather don’t, as blue skies are replaced with a thick haze of pollution.

The simple act of picking up that bit of trash and depositing it in the nearest bin is an enormous act of compassion for our planet.  Keeping it free from pollutants (that can harm or kill wildlife) is a small and loving step that benefits the world around you.

It’s also compassionate to others and ourselves since millions of tax dollars are spent picking up litter each year.

To learn more, visit Keep America Beautiful: Litter Prevention, Waste Reduction, Beautification

2. Help the Strays

Stray animals aren’t any less living beings just because they don’t have a home, the same way people living on the streets aren’t any less human because they too are homeless.

It’s always best to contact local animal welfare agencies if you do see a wandering stray. Odds are someone lost their pet and is starting to worry. If it is a stray, it may be scared, sick, or injured meaning it needs your help.

Resist the urge to shoo it away and go about your day. They might be feeling lonely or are just really pleased to see you.

I’ve always felt that ignoring the random cat that wanders up to you meowing away is like ignoring a person who greets you with open arms. They don’t care if you haven’t shaved or are still in your slippers. It’s great to see you.

Just remember to approach cautiously so you don’t scare the animal or put yourself in danger.

To learn more, visit The Humane Society of the United States: What to Do If You Find a Stray Pet

3. Give the Earth a Drink

You should keep houseplants and gardens sufficiently hydrated anyway but I understand what it’s like to look out at your thirsty garden and think “I’ll sort it out tomorrow.”  Its funny how tomorrow ends up turning into next week.

Plants, like us, are living things that depend on water to survive. Imagine if you were feeling a bit on the dry side, wilting slightly, and you were denied a cool glass of water until a few days later. You’d probably be crawling on the ceiling by then.

Sure plants have the benefit of rain, but not all the time. During the summer, they need us to put aside the “I’ll do it later” thoughts and act out of the sheer understanding that they really do need a good soak.

To learn more, visit TLC, How Stuff Works: How to Water Plants/Water Conservation

4. Don’t Squish the Spider!

Admittedly some spiders can be dangerous to us—if in doubt, call animal welfare and keep your distance—but most of the time we get scared simply because of how they look.

Spiders are beautiful and amazing creatures. Even if like me, you’re arachnophobic, I implore you to swallow some of that fear and learn about them.

They’re as diverse and skilled and creative as we are; they have families they provide for and they play just as an important role in our ecosystem as every other creepy-crawlers in this world. In fact, they control the insect population. (If you don’t love flies, killing spiders is highly counterproductive.)

If you come across a spider, allow this thought to run through your mind before you dispatch it: how would you feel if a giant foot/newspaper/swatter/etc. came crashing down on you?

We’re much larger than spiders are, so we don’t really have all that much to worry about. No matter how scary they look.

To learn more, visit The Xerces Society: for invertebrate conservation.

5. Drive with care

Our world is crisscrossed with roads cutting through areas of land that were once barely populated by people. Connectivity is important, but it’s also crucial to remember that many of the highways constitute what used to be animals’ homes and territory.

Keep your eyes open for warning signs about animals crossing. These signs indicate a very real possibility. It’s vital for your safety as much as, say, a deer’s to slow down. If you hit a large animal at speed or lose control of the vehicle, neither of you will fare very well.

Even clipping an animal with the car can cause it severe damage and suffering. If you do hit an animal, try to stop in a safe place and call animal welfare, the same way that you’d call an ambulance if you hit a person.

It’s not just large mammals that are at risk either; smaller mammals like foxes, rabbits and badgers, birds and domesticated animals too, are all exposed to the possibility of being seriously injured or killed on the roads.

When you’re next stuck in a traffic jam, look out onto the gutters of the roadside and see how many dead birds and mammals you can spot. They were trying to get from A to B too, just like us. (They may even have been attracted to the road by litter, bringing us back to where we started.)

To learn more, visit Vegan Reader: 5 Tips to Prevent Road Kill

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We can easily adapt the image of the Buddhist monk sweeping his path as he goes to our own busy lives. All it requires is a bit of extra attention to our environment.

If you’re as passionate as I am about the natural world, you could support a local charity through donations and/or volunteering. You could even take the plunge and go vegetarian (it’s not that scary, honest).

Compassion and its benefits extend beyond consideration of human life. It’s one of our most defining qualities as human beings—and we have countless opportunities to express it to the world around us.

by Lori Deschene

“Beauty is how you feel inside, and it reflects in your eyes. It is not something physical.” ~Sophia Loren

Even though I got Joey McIntyre of The New Kids on the Block to sign my scoliosis back brace in the sixth grade, I still felt ugly wearing it.

I didn’t realize the irony back then, but in retrospect it’s a little funny I grew crooked considering I convinced myself I was wilting in my sister’s shadow. (I also had braces and headgear, but that’s another story.)

I was a kid who wanted to be beautiful, but more desperately wanted to feel loved. My self esteem increased through the years, but I never quite shook the sneaking suspicion I’d be never be beautiful enough. Or maybe lovable enough.

It would be easy to blame it all on society and the Kate Moss era of modeling, but I think it’s more than that. I just never learned to notice and appreciate all the beautiful things about myself. The stuff that has nothing to do with my waistline, skin tone or eye lashes and everything to do with who I am.

I never learned to give myself the credit for all the good I do in the world. I was too busy cataloging my weaknesses, mistakes, and flaws to recognize it.

It seems like such a cliche to say pretty is as pretty does, but the truth is physical beauty is subjective. And no matter how closely someone matches your ideal of physical perfection, that will eventually fade. What endures are the qualities, passions, and habits we nurture.

That’s what makes us beautiful–and believe me when I say there is something beautiful in everyone. If you’ve done any of the following lately, you are absolutely beautiful:

1. Smile. As the quote goes, “I’ve never seen a smiling face that was not beautiful.”

2. Be there for someone who needs you even if there’s nothing in it for you–give without expectations.

3. Make a sacrifice for someone you love.

4. Admit a mistake, even if it’s hard to say you’re wrong, and work to make amends.

5. Share your struggles, putting your ego aside, to make someone else feel less alone.

6. Create something that helps people. A song, a blog, a support group, a non-profit–anything that inspires.

7. Help a child feel good about him or herself.

8. Tell someone what you appreciate about them, even if you feel vulnerable.

9. Forgive someone without needing to hear the words, “I’m sorry.”

10. Give someone an uncomfortably long hug when they need it.

10. Create positive energy around you by thinking positive thoughts and acting with positive intentions.

11. Sit with reality without judging anyone or anything.

12. Accept someone for who they are instead of trying to change them to who you want them to be.

13. Treat people like you want to be treated.

14. Notice something simple but beautiful in the world around you.

15. Acknowledge the beauty in others, instead of feeling threatened or competing with other people.

16. Be the change you want to see in the world, as per Gandhi’s suggestion.

17. Tap into your personal power and do something that makes a difference in the world.

18. Find strength in a challenging moment. It’s not easy to do, and you deserve credit for it.

19. Talk kindly about the world around you instead of gossiping or complaining.

20. Forget yourself for a minute and do nothing but listen to someone who needs it.

21. Measure a person by their best moments, not their worst.

22. Give yourself the same courtesy–focus on the good you’ve done, not the mistakes you’ve made.

23. Take the high road when someone hurts you instead if being cruel or catty.

24. Make someone laugh. A smile can literally melt stress and pain away. How beautiful of you to do that for someone else!

25. Make someone cry–tears of joy that is. People want to feel moved, inspired, motivated. Never underestimate the power of touching someone’s heart.

26. Keep an open mind instead of sticking with a judgment or assumption.

27. Love what you’re tempted to fear.

28. Be the voice of optimism when the people around you need it badly.

29. Show humility when your accomplishments would make it easy to stand above people.

30. Handle rejection or failure with grace. It’s far more easily said than done–and it sounds so cheesy and cliche–but accepting loss gracefully makes you a true winner.

31. Show unbridled enthusiasm for something that excites you. All children are beautiful, and I think their unadulterated joy has a lot to do with it.

32. Hear what someone means, not just what they say. Anyone can nitpick. Not everyone actively works to be understanding.

33. Imagine a world where people know peace, and do one small thing to create it.

34. Honor the values that matter to you. Showing integrity is the first step to feeling good about yourself.

35. Accept and love yourself–or as Ben Folds sings, “Learn to live with what you are.”

And now a disclaimer: some days you may not do anything written above–in fact, you might do the exact opposite. On those days you are still beautiful.

There are times when, like Alexander, I’m having a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. Times when it seems like I might get swept into the tornado of chaos around me. Times when the voice in my head is unkind, and I interpret everything that happens through a negative filter. When I think the worst of people and complain about it; when I expect the worst of my day and lament it.

This admission might seem like the biggest possible acknowledgment of hypocrisy, but I have nothing to give if not my honesty. And the reality is I am imperfect. We all are. We all have moments of weakness–but they’ll only define us if they far surpass moments of kindness, compassion, love, and strength.

Being beautiful doesn’t mean adhering to some picture-perfect fantasy, or living every moment that way. It means realizing this moment is a new opportunity to be who you want to be, and making the effort to seize it.

How will you be beautiful today?

by Sonya Derian

“Why compare yourself with others? No one in the entire world can do a better job of being you than you.” ~Unknown

We all do it or have done it at some point in our lives: we compare ourselves to others and gauge where we are based on what we observe them to be doing.

If this was simply an observation, that would be one thing, but in comparing ourselves to others, we often end up judging ourselves.  There’s no one worse to judge!

If you have ever noticed, it doesn’t matter how many people are on your side, cheering you on. If you can’t get on your own side, you never get past “go”.

The thing about comparison is that there is never a win. How often do we compare ourselves with someone less fortunate than us and consider ourselves blessed? More often, we compare ourselves with someone who we perceive as being, having or doing more.

And this just leaves us coming up short.

But our minds do want to quantify. Our minds want to rank and file and organize information. Our mind wants to know where we fit into the scheme of things. So we need to give it something to do.

So, instead of training it to stop comparing altogether, why not simply redirect the comparison to a past and a present self—and keep the comparison within?

We are always becoming more. Who you are today is a result of the decisions you made yesterday. We are always in a state of creation. We decide and then we decide again, and the direction is always toward expansion. It is our human nature to expand.

So, when you catch yourself comparing yourself to another, stop for a moment and re-direct the thought. Instead of submitting to the temptation to compare yourself to someone else, ask yourself a few questions, instead.

What are you doing today that you couldn’t have done 5, 3 or even 1 year ago? How have you stepped out in the last year that you might have found inconceivable before?

What new decisions have you made or what new actions have you taken that have resulted in you moving in a new direction in your life?

What are your wins this year, compared to last year at this time? How has your life improved? How have you improved? What have you done recently that you never thought you could do?

What negative behavior have you stopped engaging in, that you never thought you could quit? What positive behavior have you been engaging in that up until now, you have resisted?

How are you doing more of what you said you were going to do and shown up more consistently for your own success?

In other words, how have you continued to become a new and improved version of yourself?

That’s the stuff that counts. Comparing ourselves with someone else is an inaccurate and irrelevant measuring stick.

Think about the faulty logic. Take, for example, an introvert who feels energized after periods of solitude. What does she get by comparing herself to a gregarious, outgoing personality who gets bored by an hour alone with herself?

What kind of illogical conclusions can she come to by this comparison?

Take any one of our perpetual comparisons and question the logic. Most are completely irrational in their reasoning.

We all came in different. We all came in with certain intentions that through life experience, we have continued to hone. In fact, the only masterful creation we have to work with is ourselves.

So, why defame it?

Michelangelo said “Every block of stone has a statue inside it and it is the task of the sculptor to discover it”.

How well we do this is our measurement.

It doesn’t matter what anyone else is doing with their block of stone. The statue that they are liberating is one of their own intentions.  But how well we are doing with our own block of stone is our business.

And we must tend to it with honor, care, compassion, and praise.

Because when we have allowed for more expression this year than we have in the last, and more importantly we recognize it, than we can stand taller as a result of the comparison, instead of diminished by it.

That makes more sense. Doesn’t it?

Want to contribute a post? Read our submission guidelines then drop us a line at email @ tinybuddha.com.

by Lori Deschene

“Judge nothing, you will be happy. Forgive everything, you will be happier. Love everything, you will be happiest.” ~Sri Chinmoy

I love her to death, but it’s draining to talk to her.

Every time I call this friend of mine, I know what I’m in for: a half-hour tirade about everything that’s difficult, miserable or unfair.

Sometimes she focuses on the people who’ve wronged her (usually without merit) and other times she waxes poetic about the general hopelessness of life.

I tell myself I call because I care, but sometimes I wonder if I have ulterior motives–to pump up my ego offering good advice, or even to feel better about my own reality.

I’m no saint, and if there’s one thing I know well, we only do things repeatedly if we believe there’s something in it for us. Even if that something is just to feel needed.

I thought about this the other day when a reader wrote to me with an interesting question: how do you offer compassion to someone who doesn’t seem to deserve it? She went on to describe her offensive, sexist, racist boss who emotionally exhausts everyone around him. He sounds a lot more hateful than my friend, who is, sadly, just terribly depressed.

But these people have one thing in common: boundless negative energy that constantly seeks a target.

So today I started thinking about how we interact with negative or difficult people. People who seem unhappy, indignant, angry, or just plain rude.

When someone becomes a repeat offender, draining everyone around them, how do you maintain a sense of compassion without getting sucked into their doom? And how do you act in a way that doesn’t reinforce their negativity–and maybe even helps them?

Here’s what I’ve come up with:

1. Resist the urge to judge or assume.

It’s hard to offer someone compassion when you assume you have them pegged. He’s a jerk. She’s a malcontent. He’s an–insert other choice adjective. Even if it seems unlikely someone will wake up one day and act differently we have to remember it is possible.

When you think negative thoughts, it comes out in your body language. Someone prone to negativity may feel all too tempted to mirror that. Try coming at them with the positive mindset you wish they had. Expect the best in them. You never know when you might be pleasantly surprised.

2. Dig deeper, but stay out of the hole.

It’s always easier to offer someone compassion if you try to understand where they’re coming from. But that can’t completely excuse their behavior. If you show negative people you condone the way they act, you give them no real incentive to make a change (which they may actually want deep down).

It may help to repeat this in your head when you deal with them: “I understand your pain. But I’m most helpful if I don’t feed into it.” This might help you approach them with both kindness and firmness so they don’t manipulate you.

3. Maintain a positive boundary.

Some people might tell you to visualize a bright white light around you. This doesn’t actually work for me because I respond better to ideas in words than visualizations. So I tell myself this, “I can only control the positive space I create around myself.”

Then when I interact with this person, I try to do three things, in this order of importance:

• Protect the positive space around me. When their negativity is too strong to protect it, I need to walk away.
• Diffuse their negativity.
• Help them feel more positive, not act more positive–which is more likely to create the desired result.

4. Disarm their negativity, even if just for now.

This goes back to the ideas I mentioned above. I know my depressed friend will rant about life’s injustices as long as I let her. Part of me feels tempted to play amateur psychiatrist–get her talking, and then try to help her reframe situations into a more positive light.

Then I remind myself I can’t change her whole way of being in one phone call. She has to want that. But I can help her focus on something positive right now, in this moment. I can ask about her upcoming birthday. I can remind her it’s a beautiful day for a walk. Don’t try to solve or fix them. Just aim to help them now.

5. Temper your emotional response.

Negativity loves getting a rise out of people. Someone to feel for the sob story. Someone to get outraged over the injustice. Someone to get offended by the racist joke. I suspect this gives them a little light in the darkness of their inner world–a sense that they’re not floating alone in their own anger or sadness.

People remember and learn from what you do more than what you say. If you feed into the situation with emotions, you’ll teach them they can depend on you for a reaction. It’s tough not to react because we’re human, but it’s worth practicing. Respond as calmly as you can with a simple line of fact, even if it’s unrelated. “Dancing with the Stars is on tonight. Planning to watch it?”

6. Question what you’re getting out of it.

Like I mentioned above, we often get something out of relationships with negative people. Get real honest with yourself: have you fallen into a caretaker role because it makes you feel needed? Have you gossiped in a holier-than-thou way? Do you have some sort of stake in keeping the things the way they are?

Questioning yourself helps you change the way you respond–which is really all you can control. You can’t make someone think, feel, or act differently. You can be as kind as possible or as combative as possible, and still not change reality for someone else. All you can control is what you think and do–and then do your best to help them without hurting yourself.

7. Remember the numbers.

Research shows that people with bad attitudes have significantly higher rates of stress and disease. Someone’s mental state plays a huge role in their physical health. If someone’s making life miserable for people around them, you can be sure they’re doing worse for themselves.

What a sad reality. That someone has so much pain inside them they have to act out, like a kid in a tantrum, just to feel some sense of relief–even if that relief comes from getting a rise out of people. When you remember how much a difficult person is suffering, it’s easier to stay focused on minimizing negativity, as opposed to defending yourself or making it worse.

8. Don’t take it personally–but know sometimes it is personal.

Conventional wisdom suggests you should never take it personally when you deal with a negative person. I think it’s a little more complicated than that. You can’t write off everything someone says because they’re insensitive or untactful. An abrasive person can come at you in the worst possible way with a valid point.

Accept that you don’t deserve the excessive emotions in someone’s tone, but weigh their ideas with a willingness to learn. Some of the most useful lessons I’ve learned came from people I wished weren’t right. When you give someone credit who deep down doesn’t think they deserve it, you may inspire a profound shift in how they interpret the world.

9. Act instead of just reacting.

Oftentimes we wait until someone gets angry or depressed to address their persistently negative way of being. If you know someone who seems to deal with difficult thoughts or feelings (as demonstrated in their behavior) don’t wait for a situation to be part of the solution.

Give them a compliment for something they did well. Remind them of a moment when they were happy–as in Remember when you scored that touchdown during the company picnic? That was awesome! You’re more apt to want to boost them up when they haven’t brought you down. This may help mitigate that later, and also give them a little relief from their pain.

10. Maintain the right relationship based on reality as it is.

With my friend, I’m always wishing she could be more positive. I consistently put myself in situations where I feel bad because I want to help. Because I want her to be happy. I’ve recently realized the best I can do is accept her as she is, let her know I believe in her ability to be happy, and then give her space to make the choice.

That means hanging up after I’ve made an effort to help. Or cutting a night short if I’ve done all I can and it’s draining me. Hopefully she’ll want to change some day. Until then, all I can do is love her, while loving myself enough to take care of my needs. Which often means putting them first.

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I’ve learned you can’t always saved the world. But you can make the world a better place by working on yourself–by becoming self-aware, tapping into your compassion, and protecting your positive space. You may even help negative people by fostering a sense of peace their negativity can’t pierce.

by Lori Deschene

One of the founding principles behind Tiny Buddha is that simple wisdom, when applied, can have a huge effect on happiness, mindfulness and peace–not just for you, but also for the people around you.

The most helpful ideas might not seem so simple in the context of our complex lives; but oftentimes we make things more complicated than necessary by filtering them through a negative attitude, or thinking too much and applying too little.

That’s makes The Dalai Lama’s Little Book of Wisdom so compelling: it’s simultaneously profound and simple. It provides some of the most helpful of the Dalai Lama’s teachings in palatable, bite-size chunks.

Having had a copy on my nightstand for over a year, I couldn’t have been more excited to receive three copies to give away to readers.

The book offers insights about finding contentment, dealing with anger and emotions, transforming the mind, and more; and concludes with a question and answer section that addresses how to apply Buddhist wisdom to real life.

Many of the highlighted passages in my copy have come to you via the Tiny Buddha Twitter stream, and more likely will down the line.

As the book flap reads:

“His Holiness shows us how our state of mind, in terms of our attitudes and emotions, plays a crucial role in how we experience happiness and suffering. With characteristic humor and a down-to-earth approach to the Buddhist path, His Holiness the Dalai Lama offers us an inspirational way to transform our hearts and minds and create the happiness we seek.”

If you’d like to transform your heart and mind, enter to win a copy! Here’s what you need to do:

1. Leave a comment below. Be sure to include an email address (in the comment form) that you check regularly so I can contact you if you win.

2. Tweet the following:

RT @tinybuddha The Dalai Lama’s Little Book of Wisdom Giveaway–Comment on the blog & RT to win! http://bit.ly/908y6H

You can enter until midnight PST on Sunday, May 2nd. I will announce the winners on Monday.

If you can’t wait to get your hands on a copy, you can grab one here at Amazon.

Before you go! I’m excited to speak about sharing wisdom through social media at the Wisdom 2.0 Conference in Mountain View, California this Saturday. There are a few last-minute tickets available if you’re interested in attending.

by Maelina Frattaroli & Lori Deschene

“If you propose to speak, always ask yourself, is it true, is it necessary, is it kind” ~Buddha

Nothing appears to be going right. The worst part? No one gets it, even though they might claim to.

Even though you know this is all temporary–it always is–you feel the need to ask other people what you should do. If they say what you want to hear, you’re relieved. But it doesn’t usually work that way. In fact, oftentimes you’re more frustrated than you were before once they put their two cents in.

We’ve all been there before.

Think back real hard—what in particular helped or irked you about advice people gave you? Did they say you should have done something differently (which wasn’t very useful after the fact)?

Did they tell you to stop feeling sorry for yourself because other people have bigger problems? Did they offer some platitudes or cliche advice that sounded impossible to follow?

When friends have problems that seem incurable and never-ending, you can sense that hopelessness. And you want to fix it, which always seems so simple when you’re sitting on the outside.

Oftentimes, you’re not sure what to say because you don’t feel qualified to give advice but you feel compelled to say something. But it always looks different when you’re inside the mess than it is when you’re standing on the sidelines.

And even if other people have much larger problems, we still dwell on our own because what matters, in that moment, is how we feel.

Sometimes, you just have to accept the fact that you can’t, at least not instantly, help someone when they’re in a fragile state. That’s OK. Most of the time when someone comes to you, they’re not expecting you to have all the answers or even talk.

They just want someone to lend an ear and be by their side through a difficult time.

Realizing this is key to delivering good advice. It isn’t always composed of words and answers. Here’s how you can be helpful to a person in their darkest of times:

1. Advise with permission.

When you care about someone, and think you know how to improve their situation, it’s tempting to play amateur psychiatrist–especially if you’ve been there before. If you’ve ever been on the couch-end of this scenario, you know it can be frustrating.

If you feel the need to offer unsolicited advice, ask them, “Do you want some ideas to improve the situation?” This way they have the option to say no; and they’ll likely give you more attention when they’ve agreed to take your help.

2. Give them a rant window.

Oftentimes when people ask for advice, what they really want is to rehash something they can’t get off their mind–something they’ve probably talked about repeatedly to lots of different people (maybe even anyone who’d listen).

The best way to be a friend is to enable both what they want to do and what they need to do. Want: tell the story repeatedly, as if they can change how they feel if they just talk about it enough. Need: work through it and let it go. Tell them you’re there to listen to everything they need to say. Once they’ve gotten all out, you’d love to help them move on.

3. Be honest.

If you don’t know how someone feels, you can’t truthfully say, “I know how you feel.” That’s OK. You can likely still empathize on some level. Let them know, gently, that you haven’t been there before, but you’ll try to put yourself in their shoes to help as best you can.

Also, don’t be afraid to let them know you don’t have anything to say. You can still be an ear, take some time to think about it, and then share your thoughts later.

4. Avoid judging.

When someone comes to you for help, odds are they already feel pretty vulnerable. They’re trusting you to hear them out without being judgmental or condescending.

Rather than beginning your advice with, “You should have,” or “Why didn’t you…?” realize what’s done is done, and focus on what they can do or change right now. Try something like, “It might help to consider….” Then, offer your support along the path.

5. Make it a collaboration.

It can feel gratifying to figure out what seems like the answer, and then deliver it in a sermon. It’s like being a good advice detective when you figure out exactly what someone should or can do–and you feel even better when you can put it all into words eloquently.

But this can also come off as superiority, which probably isn’t your intention. Try, “I don’t have all the answers, but I’d love to help you figure out what’s right for you.” Whenever you’ve talked for a few minutes, bring it back to them. “What are your thoughts about that?”

6. Offer long-term support.

Your sister doesn’t want just a list of ways to break up with her boyfriend; she wants help finding the courage to do it and get through it. Your friend doesn’t just want tips to switch careers; she wants support in making a scary but positive change.

It doesn’t matter so much that you have all the answers. More often that not, people know what’s right for them; they just want to feel validated and supported.

7. Don’t make promises.

Even if you’ve been there before, you can’t guarantee any specific outcome. Your friend could approach her boss exactly like you did for a raise, and end up being demoted–at which point she might blame you.

Keep expectations realistic by focusing on possibilities within the realm of uncertainty. If you tell your sister to take a risk, make sure she knows it is a risk. Help her weigh the possible outcomes, both positive and negative so she can decide if it’s worth the potential reward.

8. Recommend a read.

When you make the proactive decision to find answers for yourself, you feel both empowered and confident in your ability to make the right decision. You can help your friend feel that way by pointing him in the direction of a few books that will help him help himself.

He’ll feel much better himself after gaining a new insight through reading than he will after sitting through a lecture. Start by saying, “I came across something that might help put things in perspective…”

9. Say it from the heart.

Another option is to be there with kindness instead of words. This is a good approach if you’ve already offered advice on the problem, and realize not much you say will help.

Leave a hand-written “thinking of you” card in that person’s mailbox or mail them a package with some sweet treats and light reads. Sometimes people just need to remember their problem isn’t the end of the world, and there are lots of other good things in their life.

10. Make plans.

You’re not the go-to guru for all answers–and you don’t have to be–but you have the power to make other things happen.

Plan a fun weekend getaway or day trip (for the budget-conscious) with your friend. Set the date in stone and make an unforgettable memory. People often find answers for themselves when they get away, let themselves relax, and clear their head for a while.

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You don’t always have to have the right words. Actions speak louder, anyway. But if you do have something to say, know how you say it can make a world of difference.

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by Lori Deschene

“Open minds lead to open doors.” ~Unknown

We start forming opinions at an early age, and continue all through life.

We decide what we think is right and wrong, what’s good and what’s bad. Not just on a larger scale (our religion, politics, ethics) but also in every-day interactions.

How people should act. What people should think in certain situations. What it’s OK to feel and express, and when it’s smart or polite to do so.

We develop ideas about how the world should be to support our beliefs and views–things we learned from our environment and experiences–and inevitably feel a sense of internal conflict when a person or situation doesn’t fall in line.

They won’t always. In fact, they won’t more often than they will.

Sometimes our opinions have nothing to do with fact, logic or common sense. It’s just a matter of what feels right. What our gut tells us, because our gut’s always right. Isn’t that what we’ve been told? To trust our instincts against all odds? We don’t often stop to consider what educated our gut; when we learned what to trust and what to fear.

That’s usually what it comes down to. What’s familiar and safe and supports our sense of order; versus what’s unknown and unpredictable and reminds us how little we can control.

The reality is there’s very little we can control. No matter how orderly a world we create around us, things will sometimes happen that hurt us. No matter how big a distance we place between ourselves and people we don’t understand, they will affect us directly or indirectly–and likely for the worse if they feel judged.

It’s not realistic to suggest we should all completely abandon the concept of good and bad. In fact, it’s a neurological impossibility. Research actually shows that we use conflicting experiences to form value judgments, and then subconsciously predict situations that may cause us trouble in the future in response to brain activity (in the insula cortex, which helps to process emotions).

It’s instinctive to protect ourselves. The only problem is we sometimes sense danger where there isn’t any there just because we’re scared or don’t understand. And in doing so, we limit ourselves, our experiences, and our impact on the world.

Follow your gut if you feel threatened. But stay open to the possibility there’s something you don’t know. The world’s a far more beautiful place when you see it with eyes that want to understand.

Do happy. It’s something you’re due.

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by Lori Deschene

“When someone receives us with open-hearted, non-judging, intensely interested listening, our spirits expand.” ~Sue Patton Theole

Whether you’re talking to your mother or your coworker, odds are you don’t always give your complete attention without formulating thoughts of your own. Even the most Zen person sometimes waits to talk instead of really listening.

It happens all the time.

As your sister recounts her afternoon and the hassle she encountered at the DMV, you feel the temptation to interrupt and one-up her—your afternoon was even crazier.

While your boyfriend tells you about his interview, you half-listen and half prepare your own monologue, entitled My Long Day at the Office.

And let’s not forget your daughter’s after-school recap, when it takes everything inside you to not finish her sentence, rush her to the point, and start doling out chores. Without realizing it, you’ve given a subtle cue she doesn’t deserve your time and full attention.

When you focus your energy on planning what to say next, you don’t completely hear what someone’s saying—meaning you respond to them without digesting their words first. Instead of staying open, allowing their story maximum impact, you listen halfheartedly so you’ll have your turn, and hopefully their agreement or approval.

After all, that’s what we all want: a sense that we’re heard, our feelings make sense, and we have a right to feel them.

Why not give that gift to someone else before seeking it for yourself?

It’s challenging to stop thinking about our lives long enough to focus on someone else’s. And it may seem counterintuitive—how can you converse if you don’t process what someone else says and considerate it within the context of your own reality?

It’s not so much a matter of shutting off your mind as it is learning to focus your attention. To actively listen without judging or drifting so you can respond from a place of clarity. To quell your instinct to switch the subject when that person you care about would appreciate just a little more of your time.

When you resist the urge to compare or compete, and refrain from forming opinions, you let other people know you care about what they have to say. Not just because it gives you an excuse to talk about yourself, but because you value their thoughts and learn from them.

In the process, you also give yourself a break from worrying, analyzing, and judging—a brief flicker in time to let everything go and just absorb the world around you.

In that way you benefit twofold from forgetting yourself for a while.

Do happy. It’s something you’re due.

“When you live on a round planet, there’s no choosing sides.” -Wayne Dyer

Research shows that rooting for a team–identifying with a group and enjoying the camaraderie you feel with other fans–can increase your sense of personal happiness.

While it’s satisfying to feel a sense of belonging, it can be dangerous to carry this us-against-them philosophy into other areas of your life. People do it all the time.

A man connects so deeply to his heritage he puts up walls with people from different backgrounds.

Or a woman believes something with so much conviction, people who disagree become immediate adversaries.

In this way, we shut ourselves into little boxes of people and relate to everyone else as outsiders. The Dalai Lama says we don’t need to give up our sense of belonging to communities; we just have to recognize various levels–the highest connecting us by a fundamental human bond.

So, rather than relating to others based on what makes us different, we relate based on what characteristics we share.

If there’s one common theme on this site–and in Buddhism, in general–it’s that people aren’t all that different. We all want to feel good and purposeful. We all want to avoid feeling pain.

Ironically, it’s painful to see other people as sitting on the other side. Believing or expecting the worst in them. Holding up a guard, ever-ready for an attack.

People will always be fundamentally different–what we believe, where we’ve come from, what limitations and possibilities we have. And people will always be fundamentally the same–what necessities we aim to meet, our emotional responses, our desire to make a difference in some way.

Where you place your focus determines how connected you feel to people, how much compassion you have for their experiences, and how fulfilling your interactions become.

Find a middle ground between sides today, even if it’s just a little step, and you may be surprised by the sense of relief–and reciprocal acceptance–you feel.

Do happy. It’s something you’re due.

by Lori Deschene

“The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.” ~Samuel Johnson

Some people say there’s no such thing as a selfless act–that any time we do something to help another person, we get something in return, even if it’s just a warm fuzzy feeling.

I’ve spent a lot of time playing with this idea in my head. It doesn’t really bother me to know it feels good to help someone else. That, to me, is a completely acceptable type of selfishness. What give me cause for concern are the underlying expectations we often have when we give “selflessly.”

We’ve all been there. You cover for your coworker because you know you’ll need her assistance next month. You give your sister $20, and then silently look for ways she can pay you back, even if not monetarily. You help your friend get leads for a job, and then feel angry when she isn’t as proactive in offering you support.

I’ve found that these expectations cause more stress than joy. They mar the act of giving, which makes me feel slightly guilty; they lead to disappointment if the person I helped doesn’t return the kindness; and they tie my intentions to an internal score card, which places a wedge in my relationships.

Recently I’ve been asking myself, “What is my expectation?” before I do something for another person. The answer I find most acceptable—cheesy as it may sound—is: to feel good and show love. Strangely, when I release the need to control what I get for giving, I get enough, somehow.

I’ve made a list of 20 things you can do to show you care, without needing the recipient to return the kindness—20 ways giving is its own reward. Maybe some of these will resonate with you. Or perhaps you’ll want to write your own list to spur the spirit of giving without expectations. (Although I’ve written you, these are things I try to do.)

1. Give money you can spare to someone who needs it and then pretend you never had it.

2. Let someone tell a story without feeling the need to one-up them or tell you own.

3. Let someone vent, even if you can’t offer a solution, just to be an ear–without considering how well they listened to you last week.

4. Help someone who is struggling with difficult feelings by admitting you’ve felt the same thing–without considering whether they’d be as open with you.

5. Ask, “What can I do to help you today?” Then let it go after following through.

6. Tell someone how you feel about them, even if it makes you feel vulnerable, just to let them know they’re loved and not alone.

7. Apologize when you’ve acted selfishly, even if you don’t like feeling wrong, because it will remind the other person they deserve to be treated with respect.

8. Let someone else educate you, even if you’re tempted to stay closed minded, because you value their knowledge and appreciate their willingness to share it.

9. Forgive someone who wronged you because you have compassion for them, not because you know they’ll owe you.

10. Hold someone’s hand when they feel vulnerable to let them know you haven’t judged them.

11. Give your full attention to the person in front of you when you’re tempted to let your thoughts wander just to show them their words are valuable.

12. Assume the best when you’re tempted to suspect someone for no valid reason—even if they haven’t always given you the benefit of the doubt.

13. Accompany someone to an appointment or drive them to an interview when they need support just to help them feel strong.

14. Change your plans for someone you love if yours weren’t too important without questioning whether they’d do the same for you.

15. Teach someone how to do something without taking a superior position because they’ve likely taught you many things, whether they were obvious or not.

16. Leave a thoughtful comment on someone’s blog, not to build your readership but rather to show them how they affected you.

17. Tell someone you believe in their potential, even if they haven’t always shown you the same support.

18. Say no when it would make you feel good to say yes, because sometimes being kind means pushing someone to step up and try harder.

19. Tell someone you know they meant well instead of using their mistake as an opportunity to manipulate their guilt.

20. I’ve left this one open for you to write–how do you give just to show you care?

Let’s face it: none of us is always kind. Human nature dictates we’ll act with one eye on what’s in it for us, at least occasionally. And I think that’s OK, as long as we make an effort whenever possible to do good for the sake of it.

Releasing expectations doesn’t mean you give other people permission to treat you thoughtlessly. It just means you check in with your motivations and give because you want to; and then ask for things directly when you want them. People who care about you will be there for you in return.