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“When someone receives us with open-hearted, non-judging, intensely interested listening, our spirits expand.” ~Sue Patton Theole

Whether you’re talking to your mother or your coworker, odds are you don’t always give your complete attention without formulating thoughts of your own. Even the most Zen person sometimes waits to talk instead of really listening.

It happens all the time.

As your sister recounts her afternoon and the hassle she encountered at the DMV, you feel the temptation to interrupt and one-up her—your afternoon was even crazier.

While your boyfriend tells you about his interview, you half-listen and half prepare your own monologue, entitled My Long Day at the Office.

And let’s not forget your daughter’s after-school recap, when it takes everything inside you to not finish her sentence, rush her to the point, and start doling out chores. Without realizing it, you’ve given a subtle cue she doesn’t deserve your time and full attention.

When you focus your energy on planning what to say next, you don’t completely hear what someone’s saying—meaning you respond to them without digesting their words first. Instead of staying open, allowing their story maximum impact, you listen halfheartedly so you’ll have your turn, and hopefully their agreement or approval.

After all, that’s what we all want: a sense that we’re heard, our feelings make sense, and we have a right to feel them.

Why not give that gift to someone else before seeking it for yourself?

It’s challenging to stop thinking about our lives long enough to focus on someone else’s. And it may seem counterintuitive—how can you converse if you don’t process what someone else says and considerate it within the context of your own reality?

It’s not so much a matter of shutting off your mind as it is learning to focus your attention. To actively listen without judging or drifting so you can respond from a place of clarity. To quell your instinct to switch the subject when that person you care about would appreciate just a little more of your time.

When you resist the urge to compare or compete, and refrain from forming opinions, you let other people know you care about what they have to say. Not just because it gives you an excuse to talk about yourself, but because you value their thoughts and learn from them.

In the process, you also give yourself a break from worrying, analyzing, and judging—a brief flicker in time to let everything go and just absorb the world around you.

In that way you benefit twofold from forgetting yourself for a while.

Do happy. It’s something you’re due.

• Look Longer
• Pursue Fewer Goals
• Stop Doing

Read all Do Happy tips here. Photo here.

“When you live on a round planet, there’s no choosing sides.” -Wayne Dyer

Research shows that rooting for a team–identifying with a group and enjoying the camaraderie you feel with other fans–can increase your sense of personal happiness.

While it’s satisfying to feel a sense of belonging, it can be dangerous to carry this us-against-them philosophy into other areas of your life. People do it all the time.

A man connects so deeply to his heritage he puts up walls with people from different backgrounds.

Or a woman believes something with so much conviction, people who disagree become immediate adversaries.

In this way, we shut ourselves into little boxes of people and relate to everyone else as outsiders. The Dalai Lama says we don’t need to give up our sense of belonging to communities; we just have to recognize various levels–the highest connecting us by a fundamental human bond.

So, rather than relating to others based on what makes us different, we relate based on what characteristics we share.

If there’s one common theme on this site–and in Buddhism, in general–it’s that people aren’t all that different. We all want to feel good and purposeful. We all want to avoid feeling pain.

Ironically, it’s painful to see other people as sitting on the other side. Believing or expecting the worst in them. Holding up a guard, ever-ready for an attack.

People will always be fundamentally different–what we believe, where we’ve come from, what limitations and possibilities we have. And people will always be fundamentally the same–what necessities we aim to meet, our emotional responses, our desire to make a difference in some way.

Where you place your focus determines how connected you feel to people, how much compassion you have for their experiences, and how fulfilling your interactions become.

Find a middle ground between sides today, even if it’s just a little step, and you may be surprised by the sense of relief–and reciprocal acceptance–you feel.

Do happy. It’s something you’re due.

Photo credit

Other Do Happy tips you may enjoy:

• Connect Without Complaining
• Celebrate a Non-Event
• Take a Small Step
• Impress Yourself

Tinybuddha is looking for guest posts! Read our submission guidelines and drop us a line at email @ tinybuddha.com

by Lori Deschene

“The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.” ~Samuel Johnson

Some people say there’s no such thing as a selfless act–that any time we do something to help another person, we get something in return, even if it’s just a warm fuzzy feeling.

I’ve spent a lot of time playing with this idea in my head. It doesn’t really bother me to know it feels good to help someone else. That, to me, is a completely acceptable type of selfishness. What give me cause for concern are the underlying expectations we often have when we give “selflessly.”

We’ve all been there. You cover for your coworker because you know you’ll need her assistance next month. You give your sister $20, and then silently look for ways she can pay you back, even if not monetarily. You help your friend get leads for a job, and then feel angry when she isn’t as proactive in offering you support.

I’ve found that these expectations cause more stress than joy. They mar the act of giving, which makes me feel slightly guilty; they lead to disappointment if the person I helped doesn’t return the kindness; and they tie my intentions to an internal score card, which places a wedge in my relationships.

Recently I’ve been asking myself, “What is my expectation?” before I do something for another person. The answer I find most acceptable—cheesy as it may sound—is: to feel good and show love. Strangely, when I release the need to control what I get for giving, I get enough, somehow.

I’ve made a list of 20 things you can do to show you care, without needing the recipient to return the kindness—20 ways giving is its own reward. Maybe some of these will resonate with you. Or perhaps you’ll want to write your own list to spur the spirit of giving without expectations. (Although I’ve written you, these are things I try to do.)

1. Give money you can spare to someone who needs it and then pretend you never had it.

2. Let someone tell a story without feeling the need to one-up them or tell you own.

3. Let someone vent, even if you can’t offer a solution, just to be an ear–without considering how well they listened to you last week.

4. Help someone who is struggling with difficult feelings by admitting you’ve felt the same thing–without considering whether they’d be as open with you.

5. Ask, “What can I do to help you today?” Then let it go after following through.

6. Tell someone how you feel about them, even if it makes you feel vulnerable, just to let them know they’re loved and not alone.

7. Apologize when you’ve acted selfishly, even if you don’t like feeling wrong, because it will remind the other person they deserve to be treated with respect.

8. Let someone else educate you, even if you’re tempted to stay closed minded, because you value their knowledge and appreciate their willingness to share it.

9. Forgive someone who wronged you because you have compassion for them, not because you know they’ll owe you.

10. Hold someone’s hand when they feel vulnerable to let them know you haven’t judged them.

11. Give your full attention to the person in front of you when you’re tempted to let your thoughts wander just to show them their words are valuable.

12. Assume the best when you’re tempted to suspect someone for no valid reason—even if they haven’t always given you the benefit of the doubt.

13. Accompany someone to an appointment or drive them to an interview when they need support just to help them feel strong.

14. Change your plans for someone you love if yours weren’t too important without questioning whether they’d do the same for you.

15. Teach someone how to do something without taking a superior position because they’ve likely taught you many things, whether they were obvious or not.

16. Leave a thoughtful comment on someone’s blog, not to build your readership but rather to show them how they affected you.

17. Tell someone you believe in their potential, even if they haven’t always shown you the same support.

18. Say no when it would make you feel good to say yes, because sometimes being kind means pushing someone to step up and try harder.

19. Tell someone you know they meant well instead of using their mistake as an opportunity to manipulate their guilt.

20. I’ve left this one open for you to write–how do you give just to show you care?

Let’s face it: none of us is always kind. Human nature dictates we’ll act with one eye on what’s in it for us, at least occasionally. And I think that’s OK, as long as we make an effort whenever possible to do good for the sake of it.

Releasing expectations doesn’t mean you give other people permission to treat you thoughtlessly. It just means you check in with your motivations and give because you want to; and then ask for things directly when you want them. People who care about you will be there for you in return.

Other posts by Lori Deschene you may enjoy:

Have a story to share? Tinybuddha is looking for guest posts! Read our submission guidelines and drop us a line at email @ tinybuddha.com

“Being right is highly overrated. Even a stopped clock is right twice a day.” ~Unknown

We all know someone who always needs to be right.

She turns everything into an argument worthy of a courtroom, complete with counter arguments and below-the-belt accusations. She finds holes in everything you say, even if you were actually agreeing with her. And in the end she needs the last word, even if means belittling you or ignoring your feelings.

Not everyone acts this righteous all the time, but we’ve likely all tried to win in an argument at least once before.

Maybe it’s the rush of feeling like the more powerful or intelligent person; or perhaps it’s just a stubborn resistance to bending. Whatever the case, we all play to win in conversations on occasion.

The irony here is that winning rarely feels as sweet as the fighter imagines it will. Research shows competitve people take less pleasure in their successes than their less combative counter parts because they’re rarely satisfied with their accomplishments–ever-ready to seek the next win.

Perhaps more importantly, people who need to be right all the time spend more time fighting and winning than listening and understanding. Strong relationships require the latter.

If someone doesn’t see eye-to-eye with you today, instead of fighting to win, communicate to hear and be heard. You can express your thoughts without strong-arming someone into seeing things your way. You can see from that person’s point of view without abandoning your own ideas.

The other person may not argue as fairly as you; but you can’t control their peace of mind or actions. You can, however, influence your own.

Do happy. It’s something you’re due.

Photo credit

Recent Do Happy posts:

• Do Happy: Assume the Best
• Do Happy: Let Go
• Do Happy: Share Your Passion

by Lori Deschene

Giving 5 copies to readers. See below for details.

Is it possible to be happy in a world marred by prejudice, violence, and global disharmony—in a time when people often feel isolated from their communities, even in the most heavily populated places?

That’s the main question presented in The Art of Happiness in a Troubled World; and the answer is a resounding yes.

The 14^th Dalai Lama has known tremendous adversity in his lifetime—having been exiled from his homeland of Tibet when communist China invaded in 1959—and yet he still believes that human nature is intrinsically good.

But that’s not the crux of the Art of Happiness; it’s far more than just Buddhist wisdom.

The book follows a series of conversations between psychiatrist Dr. Howard C. Cutler and His Holiness, creating a guideline for happiness that reflects eastern philosophy without ignoring western reality.

If you’ve never read any of the Dalai Lama’s work, you’ll find this book a comprehensive introduction to his basic philosophy: that the purpose of life is to be happy, and that many of the behaviors and thinking patterns we adopt early on in life compromise our ability to meet that goal.

Dr. Cutler examines the Dalai Lama’s fundamental beliefs, asks clarifying questions, and then supports their mutual conclusions with scientific research and examples from history.

The result is a book that thoroughly explores:

• Why we feel separate from each other.
• How we can simultaneously pursue individual and collective happiness.
• How cultural influences and our brains’ wiring contribute to innate prejudices.
• How we can realistically overcome those problems and find peace of mind.
• How taking action on an individual level will help the world at large.

I’ve read several other books by the Dalai Lama, but none of the previous in this series, which includes three. Dr. Cutler’s probing questions elicit the type of answers that, I feel, would satisfy even the harshest cynic.

I put this book down feeling inspired and enriched. Above all else, the conversations and stories reminded me our perception of human nature influences our interactions with people; and that ultimately determines whether we live in a peaceful or hostile world.

Book Details:

• Publisher: Doubleday Books
• Pages: 352
• List price: $26/$17.16 on Amazon

Giveaway Details:

If you’d like to receive a free copy of The Art of Happiness in a Troubled World, retweet this:

RT @tinybuddha Dalai Lama book giveaway; RT & comment on the post to win a copy http://bit.ly/7kHjcw

Then comment below so we’ll be able to contact you by email. We will choose 5 winners randomly on Wednesday.

by Lori Deschene

“Make finding the good in others a priority.” ~Zig Ziglar

One of the most exciting parts of writing about happiness is getting the opportunity to connect with people who make sharing joy a priority.

If you’re looking for it, you’ll find positive people everywhere—in your office, along your morning commute, on blogs you follow, and within your Twitter stream. They won’t be the only type of person you see; there are plenty of people out there who walk around holding onto a lot of pain, and knowingly or unknowingly spread it.

But an uplifting person—someone who believes in the good in people—shines a light on the potential we all have inside us to hope, believe, and inspire. A light bright enough to offer a different perspective on those other people who seem so negative. Suddenly judgment and fear melt into understanding and compassion.

That’s what Project Happiness is all about: making happiness a real possibility for all. Their main purpose is to provide students with tools and wisdom–based on positive psychology and neuro-scientific research–to create authentic happiness.  They work hands-on with kids of all ages, empowering them to feel good about themselves so they can handle life’s hurdles.

When Rolando Sandor emailed me with an invitation to attend the Project Happiness Cirque de Happiness event this Saturday, I couldn’t have been more excited. Honestly I didn’t know a thing about the non-profit; I just knew “Cirque de” anything had to be a spectacular, fun event.

I was right. I arrived by myself, not even slightly hesitant. It was a fundraiser supporting joy. It would have been pretty ironic if people were closed-off and unfriendly.

The first thing I saw was a woman wearing a white feather wig and matching costume on stilts. The worrier in me stood behind her for a while, so I could catch her if she fell. (Because theatrics make me so gleeful I forget I’m a 5’2” woman, not the incredible Hulk). Luckily she kept her balance.

Later in the evening, after a successful auction, she joined other colorfully dressed performers onstage for aerial dancing.

At that point, I’d already made some new friends at my table: Rolando’s fiancé, her friend, his future mother-in-law, and a Google employee named Dan. Everyone was friendly and open, offering the type of unabashed acceptance that makes you feel free to be authentically yourself.

It was a nice symmetry to the evening’s messages—most notably one story Rolando’s colleague shared mid-way through the night.

While working with a classroom of students, she had instructed them to create two self-portraits: one depicting themselves as others see them; and the other, as they see themselves.

As she walked around she noticed one little girl had drawn a picture of what seemed to be trash. The girl explained that’s how people see her: like a big heaping pile of trash. But in her version of herself, she was a stick figure bending down to help someone up.

“They don’t see it, but I know I’m a good person,” she explained.

On the one hand, it was positive that this little girl believed in the good in herself, but still my heart wilted a bit.

I don’t know what hit me harder: sadness that someone, let alone a child, could believe she looks that worthless in other people’s eyes; or that fact that oftentimes our response to people we don’t understand exacerbates their fears about our perceptions.

It happens all the time—I know; I’ve been on both ends of that stick.

You see someone who appears sullen, so you form a judgment about the kind of person they are. Or you notice someone who’s aloof or socially awkward, so you walk on by instead of being friendly and giving them the courage to open up.

We live in a world that isn’t always peaceful. We live with people who aren’t always kind. People who are scared; people who scare others with the hurtful things they do and say.

Happiness can be a real possibility if we give people the benefit of the doubt. If we offer compassion instead of judgment and prevent unnecessary conflict. If we believe in the good in people even when they don’t believe in it themselves.

Project Happiness promotes those ideas—and we can, too, by making small shifts in the way we interpret and interact with the people we meet every day.

Of course it all depends on how you see things. Do you believe people are good at heart, and that everyone deserves—and has to the potential—to be happy?

***

Project Happiness is doing some amazing things this year; including a trip to Tehran, Iran to develop a peer-to-peer program for young women ostracized by drugs, violence, and abuse. Read more about Project Happiness here.

by Lori Deschene

“We work on ourselves in order to help others, but also we help others in order to work on ourselves.” ~Pema Chodron

I didn’t care who was right or wrong. I just wanted her to move.

In all reality we both were right, but I felt substantially more right. I was assigned to seat 4A; her friend had been assigned to seat 4A; and he traded with her so he could have the aisle and she could have the window. Meaning she was in a seat she wasn’t assigned—a glorious, view-adjacent seat I was supposed to have. And they wanted me to sit between them.

Seven hours is an awfully long time to sit in a middle seat, between two people who may talk over you. When your head hurts. And you generally feel a little anxious flying. And you don’t yet know you can entertain yourself with free WiFi.

I wasn’t really sure what to say since it was clearly the airline’s error; so I just stood there, staring at the middle seat, hoping it would morph into a second Window seat—preferably in first class. (If I’m lost in Magical Thinking, it might as well go all the way.)

Eventually the girl moved to the middle. Luckily, the aisle seat across the way was open, so she then moved over there.

As I sat in the right spot, with even more room now that no one was next to me—fully aware her guy friend was shooting me daggers from two feet away—I suddenly felt disappointed in myself.

Was it really a big deal to just take the open seat? Had I never been around strangers who talked to each other in my presence? Would it have killed me to suck it up, be less selfish, and adapt? I decided to let it go and be as kind as possible for the rest of the flight, but still, this got me thinking about the courtesies we extend to people we meet every day.

I don’t like being selfish—not with people I know, and not with strangers. I may feel good in the moment when I look out for me, but I ultimately don’t like how I feel when I ignore someone else’s needs in favor of my own.

I like the world around me better when I treat people with consideration. I like myself better when I fight my instinct to fight. And I know it makes me a better person when I challenge my urge for instant gratification.

Sometimes it’s just plain hard to be selfless. Here’s why I think that is:

• We get caught up in our own stresses and problems.
• When we feel stressed or anxious we often have less patience for other people.
• Our needs feel imperative, so it’s hard to get them off our minds long enough to consider what other people want.
• It’s human nature to do what we think will make us happy; so we sometimes fixate on little goals—like getting home as fast as possible, even if it means cutting other people off in traffic—in that pursuit.
• We’re a get-things-done-oriented society, and that can sometimes create a sense of urgency that overwhelms everything else.

It’s not necessarily that we’re jerks. Or we’re not compassionate. Or we only care about ourselves. It’s more that we get caught up in our wants and emotions, and sometimes they seem to trump everyone else’s.

Here are five things I’ve been doing to challenge my selfish instincts in the moments before I act:

I question how I’d address the situation if the person were a friend or family member.

It’s easier to disregard a stranger’s needs because you don’t have to see her later (unless, of course, you’re on a 7-hour cross-country flight). You don’t know if she’s a good person; or have any sense of her feelings. You can simply do what you want to do and walk away without really thinking about how you impacted her. When I imagine this person as someone I love, I instantly feel more compassionate.

I ask myself, “What would the person I want to be do?”

This has helped me quite a bit through the years. I wasn’t always what I’d consider to be a good person, but I knew what qualities that type of person would embody: kindness, selflessness, consideration—all those good things. When I’m tempted to do something selfish, I visualize that person I want to be, and question what she would do. Full disclosure: I don’t always do that thing. But I work at it, and it’s getting easier.

I consider what “future me” will think.

When I’m no longer rushed or harried. When I don’t feel impulsive, anxious, or angry. When I’m sitting at home, reflecting on the kind of person I was that day, thinking about ways I made myself proud. That person would wish I’d been patient with the customer service agent, instead of getting frustrated with him because of a computer error that wasn’t his fault.

I think about what’s going on with the person in front of me.

If you read Rachel Whalley’s post Letting Go of Stories About Other People, you know what I’m getting at here. So the guy in the aisle seat wasn’t very nice to me. (His exact words were, “Like hell we’re moving. These are our seats. Tough break.”) Maybe he had a rough day. Maybe he let her sit by the window because it was her first time flying. Maybe they’re both claustrophobic and that’s why they weren’t sitting next to each other. If I empathized with how they felt I’d be less likely to demand my own way.

I imagine I’m renewing someone’s faith in people.

There are a lot of people in this world who think no one cares about anyone but themselves. It saddens me to think they’ve hurt so deeply they’ve written everyone off, and maybe put up a guard. Not everyone feels this extreme; and odds are one simple kindness won’t change a person’s view of the world. But maybe it will make him question for a minute whether or not people are bad at their core. Maybe it will remind him though people make mistakes they also redeem themselves.

I believe people are good at heart. I believe people care.  Some people say that’s naïve. Maybe so. But I’m going to try my best to prove them wrong by caring and showing it—especially when it’s hard.

Other posts by Lori Deschene:

• 10 Ways I Know There’s Nothing Wrong with You (or Me)
• 2 Ways You Think Yourself Unhappy (And 10 Things to Do About It)
• 7 Reasons to Be Happy Even Though Things Aren’t Perfect Now

by Rachel Whalley

“The biggest problem for humanity, not only on a global level, but even for individuals, is misunderstanding.” ~Rinpoche

Someone cuts you off in traffic.

What a jerk!

A date stands you up.

She obviously doesn’t like you.

Your colleague gives you a dirty look across the room.

Your last email must have really pissed him off!

In so many places in our lives, we see a behavior and automatically make a meaning out of it. Everything from a glance to an email gets snappily run through our minds and attached to a reaction or feeling.

Part of this is biological. As animals, we’re built to rapidly process information so that we can react quickly, if need be. It’s how survival instincts work.

However, most things we’re reacting to aren’t life-or-death level situations.

Here’s how I work with my own brain to stop getting so upset by all these little situations. I call it “Alternate Stories.”

Every time something happens that starts to get me feeling negative, judgmental, sad or angry, I tell myself an alternate story about what might’ve been going on for the other person.

For example, say a person cuts me off in traffic.

My first response is to think, “Hey, look out, jerk!” And then I could proceed to get mad, feel my adrenaline rise, and start tailgating that car, just to show him he can’t treat me like that.

But before I take any action or speak, I think to myself, is there any other possible reason that guy could have made that lane change right in front of me?

• Maybe he’s on the phone hearing news that someone in his family just had to go to the hospital and is totally not paying attention.

• Maybe HE’s trying to get to the hospital because he’s having chest pains.

• Maybe he’s had a horrible day and his wife left him and he’s totally disconnected from anything besides his own pain.

• Maybe he’s just had a bug fly into his eye.

• Maybe he really looked in his mirror and thought he saw no one there.

• Maybe he’s really nervous on the freeway and just made a mistake.

• Or maybe he really is a jerk.

Maybe, but I just can’t know. As you can see from my list of maybes, there’s no way for me to know what’s going on with anybody else as they do whatever it is they’re doing.

(Sure, I may have really good guesses sometimes, but the point of this is this: none of us can ever know for sure what’s going on with anyone else. Unless we ask them–and sometimes even then, we can’t be sure.)

Going through some alternate stories whenever I feel reactionary helps me to remember that I can’t know what’s up with that other person. And that sometimes my behavior could look just as annoying to someone else, even if I didn’t mean it that way at all.

The power of the Alternate Story technique is that it reconnects me to my compassion, my sense of “oh, yeah, sometimes I do that, too.”

If I don’t know for sure that he meant to run me off the road, it’s easier for me to allow space in my heart for him.

And at the same time, it helps me to un-attach from my belief that I KNOW anything. In this place of unattachment, rather than having to soothe my hurts or calm my anger, I realize that I am free.

by Lori Deschene

This may sound ironic coming from someone who blogs about the bright side of life, but I don’t think “just be positive” is a helpful suggestion. Don’t get me wrong–I believe in focusing on the good things in life. It’s just that I believe positive thinking is most effective when it’s hinged upon reality.

Allow me to explain.

It occurred to me one day that much of my unhappiness stemmed from the way I interpreted things I saw. It wasn’t just that I thought negatively; I actually saw negatively.

If a man held a door open for me, I clutched my purse; he was probably trying to steal it. If a friend forgot to congratulate me on a promotion, she was jealous and wanted me to fail. If a coworker offered to help me with something, she wanted to ride on my coattails.

I believed people were basically selfish and bad, and as a result, I saw proof everywhere.

One day I decided the problem was with me, not them. It wasn’t that I was seeing bad things; it was that I was seeking them. So I started thinking and seeing positively. The world was a beautiful place full of wonderful people who always meant well–people who would never hurt me.

Except that isn’t true either. Just because the world isn’t black that doesn’t mean it’s white.

The truth is the glass is both half-empty and half-full. The quickest path to feeling good involves understanding where the missing liquid went and opening your heart to fill it. Finding compassion for the worst in human behavior, and working to inspire the best.

If you’d like to change the way you interpret the world in front of you to understand negativity and inspire positivity, I recommend the following steps:

Point the Finger at You

Before you judge what someone else did, consider your state of mind. If you’re feeling edgy, anxious, sad, or angry, that will probably manifest in your interpretation. It may be accurate, regardless of the unrelated frustration you’re carrying around. But if you act then, you may channel all your annoyances into that one situation—particularly if you tend to stuff your feelings down.

Before you make an assessment, ask yourself: “What are my real feelings about what happened, what has to do with something else, and what can I do about that something else so it doesn’t continue to color my perceptions?

Look Beyond Actions

Most of the time we see what people do and respond before considering where that person was coming from. Empathizing isn’t just about being kind to someone who wasn’t kind to you. It’s actually a way of being good to yourself because understanding melts anger and bitterness—two feelings that fester inside and cause pain.

If you saw a child having a tantrum, you wouldn’t consider telling his mother she has an evil child. You’d wonder if the kid was overtired, or if he was dealing with hard times at home. Offer that same compassion to an adult and you’ll accomplish two things:

• You’ll show them it’s OK to acknowledge their mistake because you aren’t planning to hurt them back. Self-awareness is the first step toward improvement—meaning they might not make that mistake again.
• You call upon the law of reciprocity. In the future, they’ll be more apt to show you compassion, meaning they think before treating you thoughtlessly.

Relate

When someone does something hurtful it’s tempting to get righteous. Your tenant gives you a check that bounces—leaving you with insufficient funds for your bills—and all of a sudden you’re the world’s foremost authority on ethics and personal finance.

I’ve never once bounced a check in 20 years of banking. You shouldn’t be allowed a checkbook. How do you sleep at night?

Now get honest with yourself. Have you never made a mistake? Or let’s say the tenant bounced a check on purpose. Have you never done something you knew you shouldn’t do because you couldn’t come up with any alternatives?

Relating to someone doesn’t condone her behavior, but it allows you to see her as not so different from you—a good person who sometimes makes bad choices. Relating is easier on your heart than condemning.

Acknowledge Both Sides

You don’t have to pretend the world is all sunshine and roses, and people are 100 percent good. It’s not. And we’re not. None of us. We all have weaknesses. We all have selfish tendencies every now and then. We all make mistakes.

That coworker helping with your project, she may be trying to steal your idea. Probably because she feels hopeless, inadequate, and desperate—not because she’s a bad person—but nonetheless, she may be purposely putting you in a tough situation.

When you acknowledge this possibility, you give yourself the power to do three things: consider what’s going on with that person; offer compassion for the misguided thinking and underlying pain that motivated them; and protect yourself as necessary, without becoming bitter and angry.

In other words, recognize that people do bad things sometimes, but understand why so you simultaneously forgive their errors and protect yourself against them.

Weigh the Pros and Cons of Being Vulnerable

As a consequence of accepting that people sometimes make poor choices, you may want to put up a guard.  To keep relationships peripheral, and to hold back what you really think and feel. If you stay just a little cynical, you won’t get hurt as much, and you won’t become totally miserable and disillusioned.

That’s one way to protect yourself. It’s also a great way to kill the best part of yourself—the part that touches other people, and allows them to touch you.

Being vulnerable doesn’t have to mean being a victim. It could mean that on occasion. I know by opening my heart I may get hurt once in a while, but it’s worth it to experience the world with hope and wonder.

****

Reality isn’t perfect. Life is both wonderful and challenging. People are weak and strong. Possibilities are scary and empowering.

Think positively and see positively, but don’t ignore the negative. Instead try to understand it. When you empathize with someone, you have power to both touch their heart and protect yours from growing bitter.

This post is part of a series on happiness. Read more posts by Lori Deschene:

• Worry Serves No Useful Purpose
• 10 Ways I Know There’s Nothing Wrong with You (or Me)
• 2 Ways You Think Yourself Unhappy (And 10 Things to Do About It)

by Christian A. Lugo

“Man cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore.” -Andre Gide

Frequently, I find myself thinking about the past, somewhat reliving the past. Not in an attempt to change what had happened, but to understand what happened.

Like most people, I’ve been hurt. For a long time, I held onto those aches and pains because I wasn’t sure how to handle them. I am someone who does not like conflict or confrontation—who would often rather suffer than deal with a problem.

A few years ago I found a way to deal with those emotions, in the rawest of manners: to act like they never occurred. I’d put on a facade that I was alright, and often ignore or overlook the person or thing that harmed me. I’d feel alright, but the problem still lay dormant. Eventually they’d come back to me when I was at my weakest and do more damage than they had before.

As you probably guessed, it’s often about love. Three girls come to mind.

The first girl I cared about was unsure of her feelings for me, and was often hot and cold. I ended up losing both a potential girlfriend and an amazing friend.  To deal with it, I ignored her and what we had.

The following summer, I met a girl from New Jersey at a party. We exchanged numbers, but I was living in South Carolina. After a year of talking, and sending letters and e-mails, I learned I’d be moving to New Jersey. It crushed me when she said, “I’d rather have you as an occasional thing—nothing permanent.” So I just cut off all connections with her.

In New Jersey, I met yet another girl who became a close friend and eventually my girlfriend. She pulled away from me in front of her friends—which made sense three months later when I learned she was seeing someone else. Someone she used to be with. Someone who used to hurt her, and still does.

I relive these memories over and over again. I try to remember who said what when, and what I felt in an attempt to understand and forgive.

The thing about getting hurt is that it’s a long process. It starts with a physical or emotional attachment, followed by a disturbance that makes it clear you have to let go, and eventually a phase where you have to accept what happened, try to understand, and start rebuilding yourself.

I did that with each of those girls. It helped to get out of my own head and empathize with their situations.

The friend who wasn’t sure what she felt for me, she’d just gotten out of a difficult relationship and was dealing with a lot of confusing feelings. The girl from New Jersey who didn’t want anything long-term came from a broken home and felt safe in distant relationships. And the last girl who stayed with the abusive guy—well letting him come back over and over was one of her flaws. As my father says, every egg has its cracks.

The past can be full of disappointment. The best mentality to have is that your past led you to where you stand at any given moment in time. That means you can now you can take your future in any direction you wish.

Everyone has their “shore.” The stories we relive in our head for understanding and closure. When we hold onto that shore, we can never grow or become better. Once we find the strength and courage to accept our past, we will then find new lands and new oceans.

I found it a lot easier to stay open to those new oceans after I realized: the human heart becomes a lot stronger after it breaks.

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Related Posts:

• 7 Ways to Get Past Tough Situations Quickly
• On Learning to Cope with Conflict
• 5 Ways to Let Go and Embrace an Uncertain Future
• 40 Ways to Let Go and Feel Less Pain