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You feel frustrated about your progress toward your goals, so you tell your friends about the odds stacked against you. You don’t want them to think you’re a failure.

You feel unusually anxious before a performance evaluation so you tell your coworker about everything that’s riding on this promotion. You don’t want her to think you’re neurotic.

You feel subdued at your family reunion, so you tell your father you have a lot on your mind. You don’t want him to think you’re antisocial.

We often feel the need to justify our feelings, like everyone outside is watching, assessing and forming judgments.

The truth is they often are.

We all watch other people—it’s hard not to; they surround us. We all assess other people—it gives us a break from assessing ourselves. And we all judge other people—it’s usually when we don’t understand and we’re scared.

Knowing these things are inevitable, we’re left with two options:

• Constantly explain ourselves to preserve how we’d like to be seen—even though it’s generally fruitless.
• Accept that our feelings will change all the time, and that we’re allowed to feel them—and that other people deal with the same things.

You’re entitled to a quiet afternoon if you don’t feel like engaging, even if you’re usually bubbly. You’re allowed to feel anxious when dealing with uncertainty, whether someone’s watching or not.

You’re even allowed to cry if you feel overwhelmed, frustrated, confused, lonely, or any emotion that makes you feel like crying. And it could potentially help. Research has proven crying out negative feelings actually reduces harmful chemicals that build up in your body due to stress.

Instead of devoting your energy to pretending you feel fine—and explaining why it may seem otherwise—let yourself feel what you feel. And let people think what they want. They’re going to do it anyway. It’s just what people do.

Instead of explaining why you don’t seem perfect, or thinking you need to forgive yourself for it, let yourself be human without apologies. Everyone else is, too. No one is always together.

Sometimes it makes sense to explain yourself—when someone misunderstands, or when you hurt someone accidentally. But most often the only person who needs an explanation is you so you can understand, accept, and work through whatever is on your mind.

And then actually feel better, instead of just trying to look better.

Do happy. It’s something you’re due.

Recent Do Happy tips:

• Forget Yourself
• Look Longer
• Stop Doing

“When someone receives us with open-hearted, non-judging, intensely interested listening, our spirits expand.” ~Sue Patton Theole

Whether you’re talking to your mother or your coworker, odds are you don’t always give your complete attention without formulating thoughts of your own. Even the most Zen person sometimes waits to talk instead of really listening.

It happens all the time.

As your sister recounts her afternoon and the hassle she encountered at the DMV, you feel the temptation to interrupt and one-up her—your afternoon was even crazier.

While your boyfriend tells you about his interview, you half-listen and half prepare your own monologue, entitled My Long Day at the Office.

And let’s not forget your daughter’s after-school recap, when it takes everything inside you to not finish her sentence, rush her to the point, and start doling out chores. Without realizing it, you’ve given a subtle cue she doesn’t deserve your time and full attention.

When you focus your energy on planning what to say next, you don’t completely hear what someone’s saying—meaning you respond to them without digesting their words first. Instead of staying open, allowing their story maximum impact, you listen halfheartedly so you’ll have your turn, and hopefully their agreement or approval.

After all, that’s what we all want: a sense that we’re heard, our feelings make sense, and we have a right to feel them.

Why not give that gift to someone else before seeking it for yourself?

It’s challenging to stop thinking about our lives long enough to focus on someone else’s. And it may seem counterintuitive—how can you converse if you don’t process what someone else says and considerate it within the context of your own reality?

It’s not so much a matter of shutting off your mind as it is learning to focus your attention. To actively listen without judging or drifting so you can respond from a place of clarity. To quell your instinct to switch the subject when that person you care about would appreciate just a little more of your time.

When you resist the urge to compare or compete, and refrain from forming opinions, you let other people know you care about what they have to say. Not just because it gives you an excuse to talk about yourself, but because you value their thoughts and learn from them.

In the process, you also give yourself a break from worrying, analyzing, and judging—a brief flicker in time to let everything go and just absorb the world around you.

In that way you benefit twofold from forgetting yourself for a while.

Do happy. It’s something you’re due.

• Look Longer
• Pursue Fewer Goals
• Stop Doing

Read all Do Happy tips here. Photo here.

“Could a greater miracle take place than for us to look through each other’s eyes for a minute?” ~Henry David Thoreau

You’re riding on the subway, immersed in a book. You’re running in the park, lost in your iPod. You’re waiting in line at Starbucks, fixated on the menu.

Sometimes we act like we’re completely alone, even when  surrounded by lots of people. It’s like we’re following an unspoken rule that suggests we shouldn’t look at each other, at least not for too long.

It happens all the time: you suddenly make eye contact with someone you don’t know, and your discomfort compels you to avert your eyes. If you do manage a smile, it’s probably perfunctory, without real joy and affection behind it. Those are emotions you reserve for people you  know–people you’re more intimate with.

Some studies have indicated people who live in cities are less apt to make eye contact with strangers than people who live in suburbs. This may be a response to crowding; when you feel you don’t have enough personal space, you’re more protective of it.

If there’s truth to that hypothesis, it’s somewhat ironic. You move to a city to experience the life that pulsates through it; and respond by shutting down in everyday situations.

Resist the urge to shutdown. Instead of walking with your eyes glued to your feet, hold your head high and connect with people. Really see them and let them see you. If you’re not a confident person, connecting for more than one second may feel incredibly difficult. Just try.

When you make a genuine connection you acknowledge the person in front of you is real and worthy. You remind both them and yourself that no one operates in a vacuum. That the world is so much larger than the constructs we operate within: our families, our teams at work, our friends. And lastly, you foster the type of spirit that stays open to possibilities.

When you look a little longer you see more–more in other people, more within yourself, and more within your reach. 

Do happy. It’s something you’re due.

Related Do Happy tips:

• Unstrange a Stranger
• Un-Side for a While
• Connect Without Complaining

“The sculptor produces the beautiful statue by chipping away such parts of the marble block as are not needed- it is a process of elimination.” ~Elbert Hubbard

A couple weeks back you probably wrote out a list of resolutions; that’s what people do when a new year approaches. And that’s a wonderful idea.

According to research published in the University of Scranton Journal of Clinical Psychology, people who explicitly set resolutions are 10 times more likely to reach their goals than people who don’t.

Perhaps your list addressed  multiple areas of your life–professional milestones you’d like to reach, objectives for your health and fitness, experiences you’d like to have. If you’re a blogger, you may even have listed 50 things you’d like to achieve. It’s a popular format in the world of online lists.

As impressive as all these plans look on a page–and as capable as you may be–you might find it difficult to follow through with all those good intentions.

As a culture, we tend to think more is better, but this mindset often sacrifices quality for quantity; never mind that it sets most of us up for failure. When you overwhelm yourself with plans and information you’re likely to get overwhelmed and stop before you start.

Statistically, only 64 percent of people keep moving forward with their New Years resolutions into February; and only 46 keep going beyond the 6-month mark. The rest slowly go back to what they’ve always done, perhaps recommitting when January comes again.

If you find yourself already losing steam or motivation–or if your past suggests you might do so eventually–now may be a great time to revamp that list you made.

Whittle it down to just a few key goals, making sure each of them is SMART (described in more detail here). Break each one down into small steps, and spend a little time every day working toward each of them.

Staying focused and committed to a few objectives, and achieving your desired results will be far more fulfilling than making short strides multiple directions.

You may be surprised by how rich your life feels when you do less, but do it better.

Do happy. It’s something you’re due.

Read more Do Happy tips. Photo here.

“The only Zen you find on tops of mountains is the Zen you bring up there.” ~Robert M. Persig

We live in a fast-paced, achievement-oriented society. At the end of a busy, to-do-list-focused day, we often find ourselves mentally and physically exhausted and uncertain whether we’re actually moving in the right direction in “the pursuit of happiness.”

Perhaps this explains our fascination with all things Zen. It’s become a buzzword in pop culture, branding products that have little to do with peace and enlightenment—and oftentimes, represent ideas that are diametrically opposed.

Zen Dharma Teacher Rev. Lynn “Jnana” Sipe takes an interesting look at Zen in titles in print publications, on all topics from automobiles to music. Some notable titles include: “Engine Zen,” “The Zen of Contractor Relations,” and “Zen and the Art of Propane Safety.”

Then there’s the vast world of products branded with Zen: tea, candles, rakes, fans, stones, books, eye masks, pillows, fountains, wind chimes, bath products, incense, oils, home décor. All intended to soothe our harried minds. It’s ironic that their acquisition requires more doing and earning—and possibly more stress.

We reach for our wallet to buy little pieces of peace because we’re programmed to fix problems by doing. Sometimes doing itself is the problem.

Our minds are like little hamster wheels, desperate to reach some point down the road when things get easy, or things make sense. In all reality, we never get there.

There will never be a moment in time when everything feels done. When everything is certain. When there’s no pain or discomfort. Life is a constant juggling act of items in the inbox, people to please, feelings to process, tasks to complete, experiences to be had, problems to face.

And that’s a beautiful thing.

At any given time we have opportunities to learn, grow, change, and experience life. There’s no shortage of things to do in this world—new hobbies to try, challenges to take on at work, steps to take to strengthen relationships.

It’s all available to us at any time. They key to enjoying these undertakings is learning to completely stop in between. Stop thinking. Stop analyzing. Stop worrying. Stop planning. And simply do nothing for a while.

It’s one of the most difficult things to do in this world; it’s why fewer people meditate than buy little Zen fountains for their desks. But stillness is far more rewarding than the gratification of making an impulse purchase, and the fleeting moment of joy you feel when rippling water offsets the sound of your typing.

You don’t need a complicated plan to spend 5, 10, or even 60 minutes doing nothing. You just need commitment to that goal.

Find an uncluttered space where you won’t be distracted—preferably somewhere with minimal technology. Write down everything on your mind, and then move that paper to a different room. If it helps, put on some soothing music. Be sure you haven’t eaten and drank anything recently so your body doesn’t put a snag in your plans.

And then work at being still and clear-headed, starting with just a few moments. Inhale and exhale deeply, focusing solely on your breath. It may help to visualize your breath filling and draining from different parts of your body, starting with your feet and ending with your head.

If thoughts come into your head, simply notice them and let them go.

You will spend your whole life juggling different thoughts, jumping back and forth between true presence in the moment, and thought processes or feelings that pull you out. Make a goal today to spend at least a few moments in the former state. It will definitely change your day, and it just may change your life.

Do Happy. It’s something you’re due.

Photo credit

Other Do Happy tips you may enjoy:

• Start Late
• Assume the Best
• Share Your Passion
• Be Your Purpose Now

“It is never too late. Even if you are going to die tomorrow, keep yourself straight and clear and be a happy human being today.” -Lama Yeshe

There’s a common misconception that there comes a point when it’s too late to do things you want to do. Maybe one of these statements sounds familiar to you:

“I can’t become a designer. I’m far too old to change my career path.”

“I’ll never get married. It’s too late in the game for that.”

“I couldn’t possibly start yoga. That’s for people much younger than me.”

We choose arbitrary windows of time when we imagine we should have tried something, and then believe it’s not possible once those days have past.

The saddest part of this way of thinking is that we’re generally right. Not because it can’t be done; but because we can only do what we believe we can.

If you don’t think it’s possible to begin a new profession, you won’t take a training course, send out resumes, or make the connections you need to succeed.

If you don’t believe it’s possible to fall in love, you likely won’t put yourself out there, and open your heart to let someone in.

If you don’t think your body can get stronger and more flexible, you’ll stay on your couch instead of trying a class, going to the next one, and being patient with your progress.

Instead of doing the things that would make you feel alive and proud of yourself, you’ll simply sit back–feeling frustrated, regretful, and maybe even a little jealous of other people who make their own rules.

Barring physical limitations, it is never too late–for anything. No matter what you did yesterday, or what type of person you’ve been, you can wake up today and decide who you want to be. Don’t think about as changing. Think about as living this moment as you want to.

You may not accomplish in your remaining time what someone who started decades earlier will. But you won’t accomplish anything if you refuse to start. And more importantly, with each day that passes, you’ll feel a greater disconnect between the life you’re living and the life you dream about.

Get started. Take a small step. What you’re seeking isn’t necessarily the end goal you think you need years to reach. It’s a life aligned with who you want to be. You can be that person right now.

Do happy. It’s something you’re due.

Photo credit

Other Do Happy tips you may enjoy:

• Celebrate a Non-Event
• Act Your Shoe Size
• Seek Smiles at Work

“When you live on a round planet, there’s no choosing sides.” -Wayne Dyer

Research shows that rooting for a team–identifying with a group and enjoying the camaraderie you feel with other fans–can increase your sense of personal happiness.

While it’s satisfying to feel a sense of belonging, it can be dangerous to carry this us-against-them philosophy into other areas of your life. People do it all the time.

A man connects so deeply to his heritage he puts up walls with people from different backgrounds.

Or a woman believes something with so much conviction, people who disagree become immediate adversaries.

In this way, we shut ourselves into little boxes of people and relate to everyone else as outsiders. The Dalai Lama says we don’t need to give up our sense of belonging to communities; we just have to recognize various levels–the highest connecting us by a fundamental human bond.

So, rather than relating to others based on what makes us different, we relate based on what characteristics we share.

If there’s one common theme on this site–and in Buddhism, in general–it’s that people aren’t all that different. We all want to feel good and purposeful. We all want to avoid feeling pain.

Ironically, it’s painful to see other people as sitting on the other side. Believing or expecting the worst in them. Holding up a guard, ever-ready for an attack.

People will always be fundamentally different–what we believe, where we’ve come from, what limitations and possibilities we have. And people will always be fundamentally the same–what necessities we aim to meet, our emotional responses, our desire to make a difference in some way.

Where you place your focus determines how connected you feel to people, how much compassion you have for their experiences, and how fulfilling your interactions become.

Find a middle ground between sides today, even if it’s just a little step, and you may be surprised by the sense of relief–and reciprocal acceptance–you feel.

Do happy. It’s something you’re due.

Photo credit

Other Do Happy tips you may enjoy:

• Connect Without Complaining
• Celebrate a Non-Event
• Take a Small Step
• Impress Yourself

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“Instead of complaining the rose bush is full of thorns, be happy the thorn bush has roses.”~Proverb

Complaining can be a bonding experience.

You meet up with your friends after work, and immediately start rehashing frustrations with your boss. You have dinner with your siblings and commiserate about confrontations with your black-sheep uncle. Or you release tension on a blind date by noticing the wait staff’s shortcomings.

Commiserating is a great way to immediately establish rapport. In that moment you feel connected–you  both have grievances, problems, and wishes for a better world. It’s even easier to do in a challenging economy, where anxiety is de rigueur. In one study of complaining in a group situation, subjects averaged 50 expressions of dissatisfaction per hour–close to one complaint per minute.

But, despite your initial bonding experience, complaining does more harm than good.

According to Will Bowen, author of A Complaint Free World, complaining exacerbates individual and collective problems because our thoughts create our world. In focusing on everything that’s wrong, you create a world dominated by those ideas.

Stopping that cycle isn’t easy because you can’t dictate how other people will behave. If they continue to vent and you refuse to engage your whole social dynamic will start to shift. Right? Maybe not.

People will always feel the need to vent; it’s an emotional release that helps us find control in a chaotic world. You don’t have to judge or curb other people’s instincts. You just have to redirect your own.

Today when you start relating over mutual dissatisfaction, shift your focus to something you appreciated today. When your coworker starts griping about your slow work computers, change the subject to the free lunches you’re grateful to receive. When your brother complains about your father’s frequent requests, extol your Dad’s progress in physical therapy. Focus on what’s going right with the world, and you’ll start to notice and experience it more often.

Contrary to Bowen’s title, a complaint-free world may not be possible or even advisable. We all have the right to express ourselves when we feel annoyed or troubled by a person or experience. But there’s a balance to be found that turns angst into ease and dissatisfaction into gratitude, at least some of the time. Why not find it today?

Do happy. It’s something you’re due.

Photo credit

Recent Do Happy tips you may enjoy:

• Do Happy: Choose to Lose
• Do Happy: Assume the Best
• Do Happy: Let Go
• Do Happy: Share Your Passion
  

“Being right is highly overrated. Even a stopped clock is right twice a day.” ~Unknown

We all know someone who always needs to be right.

She turns everything into an argument worthy of a courtroom, complete with counter arguments and below-the-belt accusations. She finds holes in everything you say, even if you were actually agreeing with her. And in the end she needs the last word, even if means belittling you or ignoring your feelings.

Not everyone acts this righteous all the time, but we’ve likely all tried to win in an argument at least once before.

Maybe it’s the rush of feeling like the more powerful or intelligent person; or perhaps it’s just a stubborn resistance to bending. Whatever the case, we all play to win in conversations on occasion.

The irony here is that winning rarely feels as sweet as the fighter imagines it will. Research shows competitve people take less pleasure in their successes than their less combative counter parts because they’re rarely satisfied with their accomplishments–ever-ready to seek the next win.

Perhaps more importantly, people who need to be right all the time spend more time fighting and winning than listening and understanding. Strong relationships require the latter.

If someone doesn’t see eye-to-eye with you today, instead of fighting to win, communicate to hear and be heard. You can express your thoughts without strong-arming someone into seeing things your way. You can see from that person’s point of view without abandoning your own ideas.

The other person may not argue as fairly as you; but you can’t control their peace of mind or actions. You can, however, influence your own.

Do happy. It’s something you’re due.

Photo credit

Recent Do Happy posts:

• Do Happy: Assume the Best
• Do Happy: Let Go
• Do Happy: Share Your Passion

“We must never assume that which is incapable of proof.” -Unknown

You can never truly know someone else’s intentions.

If a coworker offers to cover your shift, she may be trying to ease your stress–or she could be vying for your job. If your sister-in-law offers to pay for your meal, she may want to help you out during tough times–of she could be trying to remind you you’re inferior.

You can always find a negative assumption that allows you to believe the worst in people. Or you can give that person the benefit of the doubt and believe they have your best interests at heart.

When you assume someone is being kind and not selfish, you may occasionally wrong, but for the most part you’ll feel appreciative and peaceful with the people in your life. The alternative is to believe people are bad, seek and find proof everywhere, and walk around feeling bitter and critical.

When you have no proof, it’s a judgment call: assume the best and feel good and grateful; or assume the worst and feel bad and suspicious.

Choosing to see and feel good does more than ease your sense of doubt; it also expands your awareness. Barbara Frederickson, a professor of psychology at the University of North Carolina-Chapel Hill, explains that positive emotions allow us to see more, whereas negative emotions literally narrow our thinking.

When you feel more positive emotions, you form closer bonds with people, increase your resilience, and become more satisfied with life.

You can’t always feel good. But you can choose to feel good more often, starting with the way you interpret the things people do.

Do happy. It’s something you’re due.

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