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“When you live on a round planet, there’s no choosing sides.” -Wayne Dyer

Research shows that rooting for a team–identifying with a group and enjoying the camaraderie you feel with other fans–can increase your sense of personal happiness.

While it’s satisfying to feel a sense of belonging, it can be dangerous to carry this us-against-them philosophy into other areas of your life. People do it all the time.

A man connects so deeply to his heritage he puts up walls with people from different backgrounds.

Or a woman believes something with so much conviction, people who disagree become immediate adversaries.

In this way, we shut ourselves into little boxes of people and relate to everyone else as outsiders. The Dalai Lama says we don’t need to give up our sense of belonging to communities; we just have to recognize various levels–the highest connecting us by a fundamental human bond.

So, rather than relating to others based on what makes us different, we relate based on what characteristics we share.

If there’s one common theme on this site–and in Buddhism, in general–it’s that people aren’t all that different. We all want to feel good and purposeful. We all want to avoid feeling pain.

Ironically, it’s painful to see other people as sitting on the other side. Believing or expecting the worst in them. Holding up a guard, ever-ready for an attack.

People will always be fundamentally different–what we believe, where we’ve come from, what limitations and possibilities we have. And people will always be fundamentally the same–what necessities we aim to meet, our emotional responses, our desire to make a difference in some way.

Where you place your focus determines how connected you feel to people, how much compassion you have for their experiences, and how fulfilling your interactions become.

Find a middle ground between sides today, even if it’s just a little step, and you may be surprised by the sense of relief–and reciprocal acceptance–you feel.

Do happy. It’s something you’re due.

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Other Do Happy tips you may enjoy:

• Connect Without Complaining
• Celebrate a Non-Event
• Take a Small Step
• Impress Yourself

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“Instead of complaining the rose bush is full of thorns, be happy the thorn bush has roses.”~Proverb

Complaining can be a bonding experience.

You meet up with your friends after work, and immediately start rehashing frustrations with your boss. You have dinner with your siblings and commiserate about confrontations with your black-sheep uncle. Or you release tension on a blind date by noticing the wait staff’s shortcomings.

Commiserating is a great way to immediately establish rapport. In that moment you feel connected–you  both have grievances, problems, and wishes for a better world. It’s even easier to do in a challenging economy, where anxiety is de rigueur. In one study of complaining in a group situation, subjects averaged 50 expressions of dissatisfaction per hour–close to one complaint per minute.

But, despite your initial bonding experience, complaining does more harm than good.

According to Will Bowen, author of A Complaint Free World, complaining exacerbates individual and collective problems because our thoughts create our world. In focusing on everything that’s wrong, you create a world dominated by those ideas.

Stopping that cycle isn’t easy because you can’t dictate how other people will behave. If they continue to vent and you refuse to engage your whole social dynamic will start to shift. Right? Maybe not.

People will always feel the need to vent; it’s an emotional release that helps us find control in a chaotic world. You don’t have to judge or curb other people’s instincts. You just have to redirect your own.

Today when you start relating over mutual dissatisfaction, shift your focus to something you appreciated today. When your coworker starts griping about your slow work computers, change the subject to the free lunches you’re grateful to receive. When your brother complains about your father’s frequent requests, extol your Dad’s progress in physical therapy. Focus on what’s going right with the world, and you’ll start to notice and experience it more often.

Contrary to Bowen’s title, a complaint-free world may not be possible or even advisable. We all have the right to express ourselves when we feel annoyed or troubled by a person or experience. But there’s a balance to be found that turns angst into ease and dissatisfaction into gratitude, at least some of the time. Why not find it today?

Do happy. It’s something you’re due.

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Recent Do Happy tips you may enjoy:

• Do Happy: Choose to Lose
• Do Happy: Assume the Best
• Do Happy: Let Go
• Do Happy: Share Your Passion
  

“Being right is highly overrated. Even a stopped clock is right twice a day.” ~Unknown

We all know someone who always needs to be right.

She turns everything into an argument worthy of a courtroom, complete with counter arguments and below-the-belt accusations. She finds holes in everything you say, even if you were actually agreeing with her. And in the end she needs the last word, even if means belittling you or ignoring your feelings.

Not everyone acts this righteous all the time, but we’ve likely all tried to win in an argument at least once before.

Maybe it’s the rush of feeling like the more powerful or intelligent person; or perhaps it’s just a stubborn resistance to bending. Whatever the case, we all play to win in conversations on occasion.

The irony here is that winning rarely feels as sweet as the fighter imagines it will. Research shows competitve people take less pleasure in their successes than their less combative counter parts because they’re rarely satisfied with their accomplishments–ever-ready to seek the next win.

Perhaps more importantly, people who need to be right all the time spend more time fighting and winning than listening and understanding. Strong relationships require the latter.

If someone doesn’t see eye-to-eye with you today, instead of fighting to win, communicate to hear and be heard. You can express your thoughts without strong-arming someone into seeing things your way. You can see from that person’s point of view without abandoning your own ideas.

The other person may not argue as fairly as you; but you can’t control their peace of mind or actions. You can, however, influence your own.

Do happy. It’s something you’re due.

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Recent Do Happy posts:

• Do Happy: Assume the Best
• Do Happy: Let Go
• Do Happy: Share Your Passion

“We must never assume that which is incapable of proof.” -Unknown

You can never truly know someone else’s intentions.

If a coworker offers to cover your shift, she may be trying to ease your stress–or she could be vying for your job. If your sister-in-law offers to pay for your meal, she may want to help you out during tough times–of she could be trying to remind you you’re inferior.

You can always find a negative assumption that allows you to believe the worst in people. Or you can give that person the benefit of the doubt and believe they have your best interests at heart.

When you assume someone is being kind and not selfish, you may occasionally wrong, but for the most part you’ll feel appreciative and peaceful with the people in your life. The alternative is to believe people are bad, seek and find proof everywhere, and walk around feeling bitter and critical.

When you have no proof, it’s a judgment call: assume the best and feel good and grateful; or assume the worst and feel bad and suspicious.

Choosing to see and feel good does more than ease your sense of doubt; it also expands your awareness. Barbara Frederickson, a professor of psychology at the University of North Carolina-Chapel Hill, explains that positive emotions allow us to see more, whereas negative emotions literally narrow our thinking.

When you feel more positive emotions, you form closer bonds with people, increase your resilience, and become more satisfied with life.

You can’t always feel good. But you can choose to feel good more often, starting with the way you interpret the things people do.

Do happy. It’s something you’re due.

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“Some people think it’s holding on that makes one strong—sometimes it’s letting go.” ~Unknown

Maybe your life doesn’t look like you want it, but you’re not sure how to change it, or even if you can—so you feel hopeless, frustrated, and even a little bitter.

Or maybe someone hurt you so deeply you don’t know if you can trust them anymore—so you feel angry, defensive and indignant.

Every day we can find a million and one reasons to feel discouraged, or incompetent, or vulnerable, or harried. All things that hurt when we hold them inside like a tight fist we refuse to unclench. And yet we do it anyway.

Until we decide to stop.

You can’t always control the way you instinctively feel about things that happen in your life. You can’t pretend you don’t hurt and just smile to make everything go away. But you can choose at any time to feel what you need to feel, and then change it into something else. Take all that energy and put it into the change you want to create.

Use your discontent to take one small step that could make your life more fulfilling.

Decide to stop hurting yourself rehashing the past, and relate to the humanity in the person who wronged you.

The first step toward feeling good is simply deciding not to feel bad. Simply choosing to let go.

Do happy. It’s something you’re due.

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Other Do Happy posts you might like:

• Impress Yourself
  
• Be Your Purpose Now
  
• Act Your Shoe Size
  

“Find your passion, whatever it may be. Become it, and let it become you and you will find great things happen for you, to you and because of you.” ~T. Alan Armstrong

Maybe you just picked up a guitar for the first time last month, and you don’t feel good enough to tell anyone about it.

Or perhaps you’re working on a romance novel, and you suspect people will think it’s silly or cheesy.

Whatever the case may be, there’s something you love—something that gets you excited like nothing else in the world. If you’re not convinced it’s worth discussing, perhaps you should consider the benefits:

Sharing your passion lets you enjoy it doubly—both in the doing, and the describing. You could reserve that activity for isolation, because you judge it, or doubt, or aren’t sure people care. Or you could throw caution to the wind and be generous with your joy to experience it all over again.

Passion can spread like wildfire. A lot of people go through their days doing the same thing from one to the next, wanting to feel something deeper and more meaningful. Wanting to find something that gets their blood pumping. When you get excited you remind others to seize the moment, do what they love, and feel alive.

Sharing invites assistance. Maybe your friend also plays the guitar in secret and can help you improve your craft. Maybe your sister-in-law knows a publisher who’s been looking for new manuscripts. A dream discussed is a potential opportunity to turn it into reality.

Every day we ask each other questions  like “How are you?” and “What’s new?” Often we don’t think twice before giving a half-hearted “Good” or “Not much.”

There is much—so much going on at any given time that expresses the light in your life. A light that could grow stronger, give your life a deeper sense of meaning, and even help others who want to do the same.

It doesn’t matter how old or new your passion or what level of skill you’ve reached. It doesn’t matter if you have big plans or small plans. When you love something, it feels good to share it.

Do happy. It’s something you’re due.

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“I could never make a living while traveling the world; it’s just not realistic.”

“My guitar won’t pay the bills. People think I’m crazy for trying.”

“I don’t have the money to go back to school. I’m stuck in this dead-end temp job.”

Most people dream of doing something that gives them a sense of excitement and purpose. Only some people believe in the possibility of that meaningful, exciting reality. Even fewer people pursue those goals in the face of adversity and discouragement.

Belief in possibility and the willingness to try can mean the difference between feeling alive and feeling stuck. Even if you don’t get where you’re headed, believing you can, and working toward your dream is more powerful than you realize.

The woman who spends her days going to auditions—she may not be a famous actress, but she’s an actress who could find work. Work that may lead to opportunities she can’t even imagine.

The man who wants to bike across the US someday—every hour he devotes to training increases his chances of achieving his goal. Every time he dots an i on his dream-to-do list, he’s one step closer to actually doing what some people say he can’t.

There will always be people who doubt you. People who think you should do what’s easy, customary, and reasonable. Sometimes you may even be one of those people. Don’t think about them today. Instead, think about one simple step.

Maybe it’s the first thing you need to do. Research scholarship programs. Request a job application. Schedule a lesson. Or maybe you’ve already made some strides, but there’s still more to be done.

Whatever the case may be, do something today. Take that step with faith in your ability to become who you want to be. Even if you have a lingering doubt in the back of your mind, suspend it for just a short while, and believe in your potential.

A small step won’t turn fantasy into reality. But one step leads to another, which leads to another, and eventually creates change. You never know where your steps will take you in life; but they’ll take you a lot further if you visualize where you want to go, and act as though you can get there.

Do happy. It’s something you’re due.

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If you enjoyed this post, subscribe on the right to receive more Do Happy tips by email or RSS.

Most recent Do Happy tips:

• Do Happy: Celebrate a Non-Event
• Do Happy: Impress Yourself
• Do Happy: See and Tell

“Celebrate the happiness that friends are always giving, make every day a holiday and celebrate just living!” ~Amanda Bradley

In Through the Looking Glass, Lewis Carroll coined the term “un-birthday” which means exactly what you might expect—a day you celebrate that isn’t actually your birthday. You might not feel inclined to send out evites and buy a helium tank in honor of a non-milestone, but there’s something to this idea.

We often live life waiting for reasons to get excited. We save the good china for a special occasion, reserve fancy clothes for a yet-to-be-determined big event, and generally wait for moments that will justify festivity. Then when we reach those events, the act of planning—making sure everything is perfect, and everyone is happy—can create more stress than joy.

Conventional wisdom suggests you should live every day like your last, but maybe that isn’t the answer either. If it were your last, you might quit your job, drain your savings account, and take dangerous risks because you’d have no reason to be cautious.

Perhaps a better suggestion is to treat every day as a new opportunity to be happy. A new selection of moments when you can smile, enjoy the little things, and find reasons to rejoice. Not because your time is almost up, but simply because it feels good. And why not feel good right now?

Celebrate something today. Anything!

Did you parallel park really well after work? Bust out the champagne!

Did your daughter say please and thank you? You’re an awesome parent with a gifted child—write it on a cake!

Does your best friend seem relaxed in your home? What better reason to grab a big bouquet of flowers?

You don’t need a calendar to tell which days are special. You just need a moment and the capacity to appreciate it.

Do happy. It’s something you’re due.

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“Limitations live only in our minds. But if we use our imaginations, our possibilities become limitless.” ~Jamie Paolinetti

You probably know which things you can do and which things you can’t, right?

You know how to complete the tasks your job requires. You have other strengths that you’ve honed and used throughout the years. You have a good idea of similar things you’d be good at, as well.

Then there’s the other list. Perhaps it looks a little like this:

I can’t start my own business; there’s just so much I don’t know. I couldn’t possibly fly a plane; I don’t even drive that much. I can’t backpack through Europe; I could never find the time.

What differentiates these two lists are your beliefs—beliefs about your intelligence, strengths, and potential, and beliefs about what’s possible in general.

Before Roger Bannister ran a 4-minute mile in 1954, the sporting world didn’t think it could be done. After Bannister proved otherwise, dozens of other athletes accomplished the same feat. All it took was a shift in belief to push them past their comfort zone.

You decide what you can and can’t do. And then you do it, starting with one simple action.

Get started on that dream you’ve shelved for some day when you have more time, more patience, or more knowledge. Take a step outside your comfort zone and challenge what you believe is possible.

Never do you feel as alive as when you actually do what you dream of doing. The act of beginning is a powerful reminder that every moment is an opportunity to create the life you want.

Do happy. It’s something you’re due.

Other Do Happy tips you may enjoy:

• Do Happy: See and Tell
• Do Happy: Be Your Purpose Now
• Do Happy: Log Changes

All Do Happy Tips

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“Appreciation is a wonderful thing. It makes what is excellent in others belong to us as well.” ~Voltaire

There are a lot of impressive people in the world. Some innovate and invent things that help masses of people. Some use art to tell powerful stories that move viewers to action. Others make the world a better place by being helpful within their own sphere of influence, however small or large it may be.

Those little things define people.

The way your neighbor asks how you’re doing and really listens for the answer. How your coworker supports your ideas, and gives you encouragement to see them through. The way your sister makes your house a better place by staying calm when others seem stressed.

All acts of greatness that affect other people, whether they notice or not.

Noticing is a powerful act.

A compliment rooted in truth creates more than just a smile. It shows someone you see the good in them independent of what they achieve. It tells them they not only matter; they really make a difference. Something we all hope to do.

Tell someone what you see today.  Let them know how simply being them makes a difference in your world. Life looks a lot brighter when you open your eyes to the light in people around you.

Do happy. It’s something you’re due.

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Read more Do Happy tips.