tinybuddha.com

by Lori Deschene

“Don’t wait for people to be friendly. Show them how.” ~Unknown

When I was a teenager—right around the time I knew everything—my mother used to tell me I only remembered the bad things.

When I told stories about my family, they didn’t revolve around family beach trips, barbecues, and vacations; the focused on my parents’ fights and all the ways they “ruined my life.”

The same applied to friends and milestones in my life. I chronically remembered and rehashed the worst experiences.

In fact, straight through college I followed up every introductory handshake with a dramatic retelling of my life story, focusing on a laundry list of grievances about people who had done me wrong.

It was as if I was competing for most royally screwed over in life, like there was some kind of prize for being the most tragic and victimized. (Full disclosure: I hoped that prize was compassion cum unconditional love. It was more like discomfort and avoidance).

Not everyone is as negative or needy as woe-is-me-younger Lori was, but I’ve noticed that many of us have something in common with my misguided past self: we focus on how we’ve been hurt far more than how we’ve been helped.

Psychologists suggest that to some degree we complain because we’re looking to connect with people who can relate to the universal struggles we all face (though in some cases, complaining is a constructive way to find solutions to problems as opposed to a chronic need to vent negativity). I think there’s more to it, though.

When we complain about everything that’s gone wrong, or everyone who has done us wrong, we’re drowning in our self-involvement.

It’s an epidemic in an individualistic culture where self-reliance, autonomy and the pursuit of personal gain can leave us feeling isolated and pressured to succeed. This may not be true for everyone, but I know when I get caught up complaining, nine out of ten times what I need to do is stop obsessing about the circumstances of my life.

It’s taken me a long time, but I’ve learned we don’t need to live life in a constant state of reaction to things that seem difficult or unfair. We don’t have to be the victims of bad coming at us. Our lives don’t have to be the sum of our problems—not if we take responsibility for putting good into the world.

That starts by fostering a greater appreciation for our interdependence. We are not alone. The world is not against us, and we don’t have to be against each other. We don’t have to let our fears, insecurities and wants boil over inside us until we’re all a bunch of incompatible toxic chemicals waiting to explode the second we collide.

You can always find a negative story to tell—some situation when another person was insensitive, selfish, uncaring, unfair, or just plain wrong. You can also find an underlying struggle that doesn’t justify but might explain their behavior.

If you absolutely can’t channel that compassion and patience, you can always find at least one good thing someone did in your day.

When that stranger held the elevator open, when your coworker let you take the lead in your meeting, when your mother called just to say she loves you; they’re all reminders people are looking out for you—maybe not all of them, and maybe not all the time, but probably more than you notice.

An even better way to honor our interconnection: be someone else’s positive story. Be the kindness that reminds someone else the world is not against them. Give them an anchor of positivity to find later if their circumstances seem overwhelming.

If you’ve ever ended a stressful day with a long hug—the type that’s so needed and loving it’s near impossible not to relax and receive—you know the power of a simple gesture.

Need some ideas for simple kindnesses? I recommend checking out the Tiny Buddha Facebook page, where I recently asked friends, “What’s the kindest thing you can do for someone else?”

Some of my favorite suggestions (out of 158) include:

1. Try to accept people with an open mind and refrain from making judgments, which are often wrong anyway. (Brandon Hartford)
2. Let them know how much you appreciate them. (Florence Leedy)
3. Any deed done for someone else is a kind one when you don’t expect something in return. (Courtney Olsen)
4. Do little things like hold doors open or let folk go in or out first. Little things can make a big difference for someone who’s not having a great day. (Elke Wallace)
5. Accept them for who they are and who they strive to be. (Dylan Clauson)
6. Let them know they’ve made you smile. (Monika Sylvestre)
7. Be with them when they need you. For the rest of the time, let them be free. (Rohin Khanna)
8. Tell them the truth. (Krista Hale)
9. Tell them why they make a difference in your life that no one else could possibly make—why their particular brand of “special” makes the world a better place for everyone they meet in it. (Jennifer Hudson Green)
10. Help them help themselves and be independent. (Frantz Art Glass)
11. Believe in them and give them hope. (Melessia Todd)
12. Give a simple well meaning smile. (Jennie McCluskey)
13. The kindest thing you can do for someone else is to take good care of your own mind, body and soul. This enables kindness in all things. (Shyloh Robinson)
14. Spend time listening with the intent of learning. I joined an art guild that is mostly made up of elderly artists who have the most amazing life stories and the best tips and trick for creating artwork. I feel like I get so much more in return for doing nothing more than enjoying their company! (Suzi Ra)
15. The best thing my parents ever taught me—the Golden Rule: do unto others as you would have them do unto you! (Tracy Bruce Laughlin)
16. Be there for them when they fall and not say I told you so. (Ana Stuckart)
17. Give them the space to be. (Natassia Callista Alicia)
18. Lend your shoulder to cry on. (Bryan Tankersley)
19. Thank them for being themselves. (Jen Ghrist)
20. Take a moment to send someone a note thanking them for something they have done for you in the past. For example, a good teacher or a good manager, or someone who was a mentor or role model. (Dave Hughes)
21. Treat each person with respect for his or her individuality. (Shirley Wright)
22. Offer encouragement after a failure. Acceptance of even the weirdest things they possess. A tap for a job well done. A “thank you” to every simple yet life-changing encounter. (Ako Ang Uso)
23. Forgive. (Ivan Kl)
24. Pay attention to them. From the clerk at the store to your kids at home, most people just want to be heard and acknowledged. Understanding comes later, but everyone can pay attention now. (Angela Birt)
25. Listen to someone without trying to fix their problem. (Jane Lynahan Karklin)

Before you head on your merry way to distribute kindness into the world, check out the Tiny Buddha Book page if you haven’t already. In my first book, through publisher Red Wheel/Weiser, I’ve set out to answer life’s hardest questions, incorporating insights from Tiny Buddha readers.

The book will be in stores across the country next fall—and I’d love to include your wisdom and a link to your site so readers can learn more from you.

by Sam Russell

“Compassion and happiness are not a sign of weakness but a sign of strength.” ~Dalai Lama

Showing compassion is one of the best ways to make the world a better place.

It isn’t always easy to have compassion for people—if they’ve hurt you, don’t see things the way you do, or seem to cause many of their own problems. It’s also easy to forget about certain people—people who live on the street, people who don’t have the voice to speak out, and sometimes even ourselves.

I freely admit that my compassion levels plummet in some of those cases and I end up feeling tremendous guilt when I realize what a beast I’ve been. It’s something I work at.

I think most of us could also put a little more thought into showing compassion for animals and the world around us. They are just as worthy, and the act just as important and rewarding.

Compassion is like a muscle; the more you work it, the stronger it becomes. Here are a few ways simple ways to work that muscle and make the world a better place:

1. Remember: Everyone’s Litter is Our Litter

It’s so easy to walk past an empty packet of whatever discarded on the floor and pretend it’s not there—consciously and unconsciously.

Everyone must be acutely aware of our rapidly changing environment. We can see it all around us as we become increasingly urbanized. We see it, or rather don’t, as blue skies are replaced with a thick haze of pollution.

The simple act of picking up that bit of trash and depositing it in the nearest bin is an enormous act of compassion for our planet.  Keeping it free from pollutants (that can harm or kill wildlife) is a small and loving step that benefits the world around you.

It’s also compassionate to others and ourselves since millions of tax dollars are spent picking up litter each year.

To learn more, visit Keep America Beautiful: Litter Prevention, Waste Reduction, Beautification

2. Help the Strays

Stray animals aren’t any less living beings just because they don’t have a home, the same way people living on the streets aren’t any less human because they too are homeless.

It’s always best to contact local animal welfare agencies if you do see a wandering stray. Odds are someone lost their pet and is starting to worry. If it is a stray, it may be scared, sick, or injured meaning it needs your help.

Resist the urge to shoo it away and go about your day. They might be feeling lonely or are just really pleased to see you.

I’ve always felt that ignoring the random cat that wanders up to you meowing away is like ignoring a person who greets you with open arms. They don’t care if you haven’t shaved or are still in your slippers. It’s great to see you.

Just remember to approach cautiously so you don’t scare the animal or put yourself in danger.

To learn more, visit The Humane Society of the United States: What to Do If You Find a Stray Pet

3. Give the Earth a Drink

You should keep houseplants and gardens sufficiently hydrated anyway but I understand what it’s like to look out at your thirsty garden and think “I’ll sort it out tomorrow.”  Its funny how tomorrow ends up turning into next week.

Plants, like us, are living things that depend on water to survive. Imagine if you were feeling a bit on the dry side, wilting slightly, and you were denied a cool glass of water until a few days later. You’d probably be crawling on the ceiling by then.

Sure plants have the benefit of rain, but not all the time. During the summer, they need us to put aside the “I’ll do it later” thoughts and act out of the sheer understanding that they really do need a good soak.

To learn more, visit TLC, How Stuff Works: How to Water Plants/Water Conservation

4. Don’t Squish the Spider!

Admittedly some spiders can be dangerous to us—if in doubt, call animal welfare and keep your distance—but most of the time we get scared simply because of how they look.

Spiders are beautiful and amazing creatures. Even if like me, you’re arachnophobic, I implore you to swallow some of that fear and learn about them.

They’re as diverse and skilled and creative as we are; they have families they provide for and they play just as an important role in our ecosystem as every other creepy-crawlers in this world. In fact, they control the insect population. (If you don’t love flies, killing spiders is highly counterproductive.)

If you come across a spider, allow this thought to run through your mind before you dispatch it: how would you feel if a giant foot/newspaper/swatter/etc. came crashing down on you?

We’re much larger than spiders are, so we don’t really have all that much to worry about. No matter how scary they look.

To learn more, visit The Xerces Society: for invertebrate conservation.

5. Drive with care

Our world is crisscrossed with roads cutting through areas of land that were once barely populated by people. Connectivity is important, but it’s also crucial to remember that many of the highways constitute what used to be animals’ homes and territory.

Keep your eyes open for warning signs about animals crossing. These signs indicate a very real possibility. It’s vital for your safety as much as, say, a deer’s to slow down. If you hit a large animal at speed or lose control of the vehicle, neither of you will fare very well.

Even clipping an animal with the car can cause it severe damage and suffering. If you do hit an animal, try to stop in a safe place and call animal welfare, the same way that you’d call an ambulance if you hit a person.

It’s not just large mammals that are at risk either; smaller mammals like foxes, rabbits and badgers, birds and domesticated animals too, are all exposed to the possibility of being seriously injured or killed on the roads.

When you’re next stuck in a traffic jam, look out onto the gutters of the roadside and see how many dead birds and mammals you can spot. They were trying to get from A to B too, just like us. (They may even have been attracted to the road by litter, bringing us back to where we started.)

To learn more, visit Vegan Reader: 5 Tips to Prevent Road Kill

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We can easily adapt the image of the Buddhist monk sweeping his path as he goes to our own busy lives. All it requires is a bit of extra attention to our environment.

If you’re as passionate as I am about the natural world, you could support a local charity through donations and/or volunteering. You could even take the plunge and go vegetarian (it’s not that scary, honest).

Compassion and its benefits extend beyond consideration of human life. It’s one of our most defining qualities as human beings—and we have countless opportunities to express it to the world around us.

by Lori Deschene

Last week I wrote a post titled 9 Ways to Get Better Sleep and Prevent Exhaustion. Irony or all ironies, I am writing this follow-up from a place of slightly delirious fatigue.

Before you file me under “hypocritical bloggers,” allow me to explain.

As I mentioned in the previous post, despite knowing all the right things to do, sometimes it’s difficult to follow through. You can have the most calming, zen bedroom, and still toss and turn because of an ache or something on your mind. You can avoid stimulants and start unwinding early in the evening, and still get woken up by a siren at 2:00 in the morning.

Sometimes the best laid plan can fall apart when you can’t seem to remove that pea from under your mattress. It will  happen on occasion–hopefully less often than not, but from time to time at best.

How can you function when it’s just not possible to call in sick and tired to life? How can you make it through the work day with minimal damage to your health, mood, relationships, and job?

I have a few ideas, but first, in the interest of full disclosure: I have a lot more flexibility than the average person might. I work from home and make my own hours, which can be both a blessing and a curse. Hopefully these ideas represent a balanced mix for people who have flexibility and people who don’t:

1. Protect Your Health.

When you don’t get enough sleep, you compromise your immune system. One thing I like to do when I am particularly exhausted is increase my intake of foods that have the opposite effect.

Dark colored produce, like broccoli and berries which are high in antioxidants are a great choice. I also like Emergen-C, a powder supplement you add to water, which boosts energy and bolsters the immune system.

2. Carpool or take the bus.

If you’re exhausted, there’s a good chance you’re also running late for work. That might make it inconvenient to take public transportation–but it’s better to slink past your boss’ office door at 9:30 or 10:00 than to fall asleep at the wheel.

I know because I’ve been there. In 2000, I fell asleep on the highway and crashed into the guardrail. Luckily, no one got hurt, but that’s not always the case. In 2009, as many as 1.9 million Americans had a car accident or close call because of drowsiness.

According to David Cloud, head of the National Sleep Foundation in Washington D.C., its possible to fall into a three to four second microsleep without knowing it–which is all the time needed to travel the length of a football field basically unconscious.

3. Get into the sun.

Fifteen minutes in the sun can increase your vitamin D levels. The vitamin, along with B, is responsible for fighting fatigue. People with deficiencies often experience tiredness, moodiness, aches, and stress. While a little extra sunshine can’t replace the benefits of consistent sleep, soaking in the rays can pep you up a bit.

A short afternoon walk will also prevent you from falling asleep on your desk, a la Jim and Pam from The Office.

4. Eat several small meals instead of large, heavy meals.

Ever notice how a big, heavy meal makes you want to curl up in the fetal position and check out for an hour or so? Spacing out your meals helps regulate your blood sugar and should also help increase your energy throughout the day.

Also, avoid processed, fatty foods, sweets, or foods with refined white carbohydrates. The don’t contain enough nutrients and are easily digested and absorbed, which means you’ll feel energized at first and sluggish shortly after. You’re already tired–why add fuel to the fire?

5. Avoid caffeine.

If you drink a lot of caffeine, your body’s response to it will change. You could drink over eight cups and still feel sluggish–but that doesn’t mean you won’t get the headache, irritability, dehydration, and host of other side effects that come with caffeine-overload.

Instead, try an energy boosting food, like almonds, oranges, salmon, spinach, or blueberries.

6. Spend some time under bright light.

Sleep researchers suggest this will help you feel more alert. In a 2007 study of women with breast cancer, increased exposure to bright light during chemotherapy resulted in less fatigue and better sleep.

7. Resist the urge to channel your crankiness.

You might feel inclined to confront someone who wronged you when you’re exhausted. Whenever you feel something uncomfortable, it’s tempting to channel it somewhere–to take the feeling and do something with it. Fight the urge. You aren’t thinking clearly enough to have a productive conversation, and you’ll likely say something you regret.

In fact, if you have any big meetings scheduled, do your best to push them to another day, even if it ruffles some feathers. According to the National Sleep Foundation, staying awake for 18 hours causes you to function similarly to someone with .08 blood alcohol level. You wouldn’t lead an important meeting drunk–would you?

8. Be gentle with yourself.

When you’re tired, it’s all too easy to get irritable and moody. In fact, you may even have a mini-breakdown. (Admission: I’ve been known to cry over ridiculous things, like tight lids on jars, when I’m extremely over tired).

Know that this is normal, but plan to combat it. Avoid people or situations that trigger anger or frustration. Use a deep breathing relaxation technique when you feel yourself getting antsy. Anything to keep your nerves calm.

9. Catnap if you can.

If you don’t have a hammock or canopy bed adjacent to your desk, this might not be an option. (Of course this never stopped me when I worked in a corporate environment–I took quite a few naps in my car.)

If you can nap, however, the right length is crucial. If you sleep for too short or too long a time, it will work against you. Experts suggest 20 minutes is ideal, since it generally takes 10 minutes to fall asleep and 10 for light, restful sleep. If you can’t fall asleep on demand, you might consider a brainwave entrainment CD (Google it!) to help slow your brainwaves.

10. Prepare to avoid making the same mistake tonight.

Most of the time when we don’t get enough sleep, we are directly responsible. Whether you put too much on your plate or stayed up to late, the constant is personal choice. It’s not always the case–if you have a baby, for example. But most of the time, it is.

If you recognize that sleep deficiency is causing your problems, set out to address the root cause. Deal with stresses that are keeping you up at night. Change your environment to allow for better sleep. If all else fails, see your doctor to check for health issues that might be effecting your sleep.

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Your energy–your focus and attention–is your greatest resource. It’s what you use to make a difference in the world; it’s the best gift you can give to your friends and family. Protect it as best you can by taking the time you need to recharge.

If from time to time you can’t, be gentle with yourself and take even better care than you usually do. A little self kindness can go a long way in making a bad situation better.

by Lori Deschene

“Beauty is how you feel inside, and it reflects in your eyes. It is not something physical.” ~Sophia Loren

Even though I got Joey McIntyre of The New Kids on the Block to sign my scoliosis back brace in the sixth grade, I still felt ugly wearing it.

I didn’t realize the irony back then, but in retrospect it’s a little funny I grew crooked considering I convinced myself I was wilting in my sister’s shadow. (I also had braces and headgear, but that’s another story.)

I was a kid who wanted to be beautiful, but more desperately wanted to feel loved. My self esteem increased through the years, but I never quite shook the sneaking suspicion I’d be never be beautiful enough. Or maybe lovable enough.

It would be easy to blame it all on society and the Kate Moss era of modeling, but I think it’s more than that. I just never learned to notice and appreciate all the beautiful things about myself. The stuff that has nothing to do with my waistline, skin tone or eye lashes and everything to do with who I am.

I never learned to give myself the credit for all the good I do in the world. I was too busy cataloging my weaknesses, mistakes, and flaws to recognize it.

It seems like such a cliche to say pretty is as pretty does, but the truth is physical beauty is subjective. And no matter how closely someone matches your ideal of physical perfection, that will eventually fade. What endures are the qualities, passions, and habits we nurture.

That’s what makes us beautiful–and believe me when I say there is something beautiful in everyone. If you’ve done any of the following lately, you are absolutely beautiful:

1. Smile. As the quote goes, “I’ve never seen a smiling face that was not beautiful.”

2. Be there for someone who needs you even if there’s nothing in it for you–give without expectations.

3. Make a sacrifice for someone you love.

4. Admit a mistake, even if it’s hard to say you’re wrong, and work to make amends.

5. Share your struggles, putting your ego aside, to make someone else feel less alone.

6. Create something that helps people. A song, a blog, a support group, a non-profit–anything that inspires.

7. Help a child feel good about him or herself.

8. Tell someone what you appreciate about them, even if you feel vulnerable.

9. Forgive someone without needing to hear the words, “I’m sorry.”

10. Give someone an uncomfortably long hug when they need it.

10. Create positive energy around you by thinking positive thoughts and acting with positive intentions.

11. Sit with reality without judging anyone or anything.

12. Accept someone for who they are instead of trying to change them to who you want them to be.

13. Treat people like you want to be treated.

14. Notice something simple but beautiful in the world around you.

15. Acknowledge the beauty in others, instead of feeling threatened or competing with other people.

16. Be the change you want to see in the world, as per Gandhi’s suggestion.

17. Tap into your personal power and do something that makes a difference in the world.

18. Find strength in a challenging moment. It’s not easy to do, and you deserve credit for it.

19. Talk kindly about the world around you instead of gossiping or complaining.

20. Forget yourself for a minute and do nothing but listen to someone who needs it.

21. Measure a person by their best moments, not their worst.

22. Give yourself the same courtesy–focus on the good you’ve done, not the mistakes you’ve made.

23. Take the high road when someone hurts you instead if being cruel or catty.

24. Make someone laugh. A smile can literally melt stress and pain away. How beautiful of you to do that for someone else!

25. Make someone cry–tears of joy that is. People want to feel moved, inspired, motivated. Never underestimate the power of touching someone’s heart.

26. Keep an open mind instead of sticking with a judgment or assumption.

27. Love what you’re tempted to fear.

28. Be the voice of optimism when the people around you need it badly.

29. Show humility when your accomplishments would make it easy to stand above people.

30. Handle rejection or failure with grace. It’s far more easily said than done–and it sounds so cheesy and cliche–but accepting loss gracefully makes you a true winner.

31. Show unbridled enthusiasm for something that excites you. All children are beautiful, and I think their unadulterated joy has a lot to do with it.

32. Hear what someone means, not just what they say. Anyone can nitpick. Not everyone actively works to be understanding.

33. Imagine a world where people know peace, and do one small thing to create it.

34. Honor the values that matter to you. Showing integrity is the first step to feeling good about yourself.

35. Accept and love yourself–or as Ben Folds sings, “Learn to live with what you are.”

And now a disclaimer: some days you may not do anything written above–in fact, you might do the exact opposite. On those days you are still beautiful.

There are times when, like Alexander, I’m having a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. Times when it seems like I might get swept into the tornado of chaos around me. Times when the voice in my head is unkind, and I interpret everything that happens through a negative filter. When I think the worst of people and complain about it; when I expect the worst of my day and lament it.

This admission might seem like the biggest possible acknowledgment of hypocrisy, but I have nothing to give if not my honesty. And the reality is I am imperfect. We all are. We all have moments of weakness–but they’ll only define us if they far surpass moments of kindness, compassion, love, and strength.

Being beautiful doesn’t mean adhering to some picture-perfect fantasy, or living every moment that way. It means realizing this moment is a new opportunity to be who you want to be, and making the effort to seize it.

How will you be beautiful today?

by Lori Deschene

“Judge nothing, you will be happy. Forgive everything, you will be happier. Love everything, you will be happiest.” ~Sri Chinmoy

I love her to death, but it’s draining to talk to her.

Every time I call this friend of mine, I know what I’m in for: a half-hour tirade about everything that’s difficult, miserable or unfair.

Sometimes she focuses on the people who’ve wronged her (usually without merit) and other times she waxes poetic about the general hopelessness of life.

I tell myself I call because I care, but sometimes I wonder if I have ulterior motives–to pump up my ego offering good advice, or even to feel better about my own reality.

I’m no saint, and if there’s one thing I know well, we only do things repeatedly if we believe there’s something in it for us. Even if that something is just to feel needed.

I thought about this the other day when a reader wrote to me with an interesting question: how do you offer compassion to someone who doesn’t seem to deserve it? She went on to describe her offensive, sexist, racist boss who emotionally exhausts everyone around him. He sounds a lot more hateful than my friend, who is, sadly, just terribly depressed.

But these people have one thing in common: boundless negative energy that constantly seeks a target.

So today I started thinking about how we interact with negative or difficult people. People who seem unhappy, indignant, angry, or just plain rude.

When someone becomes a repeat offender, draining everyone around them, how do you maintain a sense of compassion without getting sucked into their doom? And how do you act in a way that doesn’t reinforce their negativity–and maybe even helps them?

Here’s what I’ve come up with:

1. Resist the urge to judge or assume.

It’s hard to offer someone compassion when you assume you have them pegged. He’s a jerk. She’s a malcontent. He’s an–insert other choice adjective. Even if it seems unlikely someone will wake up one day and act differently we have to remember it is possible.

When you think negative thoughts, it comes out in your body language. Someone prone to negativity may feel all too tempted to mirror that. Try coming at them with the positive mindset you wish they had. Expect the best in them. You never know when you might be pleasantly surprised.

2. Dig deeper, but stay out of the hole.

It’s always easier to offer someone compassion if you try to understand where they’re coming from. But that can’t completely excuse their behavior. If you show negative people you condone the way they act, you give them no real incentive to make a change (which they may actually want deep down).

It may help to repeat this in your head when you deal with them: “I understand your pain. But I’m most helpful if I don’t feed into it.” This might help you approach them with both kindness and firmness so they don’t manipulate you.

3. Maintain a positive boundary.

Some people might tell you to visualize a bright white light around you. This doesn’t actually work for me because I respond better to ideas in words than visualizations. So I tell myself this, “I can only control the positive space I create around myself.”

Then when I interact with this person, I try to do three things, in this order of importance:

• Protect the positive space around me. When their negativity is too strong to protect it, I need to walk away.
• Diffuse their negativity.
• Help them feel more positive, not act more positive–which is more likely to create the desired result.

4. Disarm their negativity, even if just for now.

This goes back to the ideas I mentioned above. I know my depressed friend will rant about life’s injustices as long as I let her. Part of me feels tempted to play amateur psychiatrist–get her talking, and then try to help her reframe situations into a more positive light.

Then I remind myself I can’t change her whole way of being in one phone call. She has to want that. But I can help her focus on something positive right now, in this moment. I can ask about her upcoming birthday. I can remind her it’s a beautiful day for a walk. Don’t try to solve or fix them. Just aim to help them now.

5. Temper your emotional response.

Negativity loves getting a rise out of people. Someone to feel for the sob story. Someone to get outraged over the injustice. Someone to get offended by the racist joke. I suspect this gives them a little light in the darkness of their inner world–a sense that they’re not floating alone in their own anger or sadness.

People remember and learn from what you do more than what you say. If you feed into the situation with emotions, you’ll teach them they can depend on you for a reaction. It’s tough not to react because we’re human, but it’s worth practicing. Respond as calmly as you can with a simple line of fact, even if it’s unrelated. “Dancing with the Stars is on tonight. Planning to watch it?”

6. Question what you’re getting out of it.

Like I mentioned above, we often get something out of relationships with negative people. Get real honest with yourself: have you fallen into a caretaker role because it makes you feel needed? Have you gossiped in a holier-than-thou way? Do you have some sort of stake in keeping the things the way they are?

Questioning yourself helps you change the way you respond–which is really all you can control. You can’t make someone think, feel, or act differently. You can be as kind as possible or as combative as possible, and still not change reality for someone else. All you can control is what you think and do–and then do your best to help them without hurting yourself.

7. Remember the numbers.

Research shows that people with bad attitudes have significantly higher rates of stress and disease. Someone’s mental state plays a huge role in their physical health. If someone’s making life miserable for people around them, you can be sure they’re doing worse for themselves.

What a sad reality. That someone has so much pain inside them they have to act out, like a kid in a tantrum, just to feel some sense of relief–even if that relief comes from getting a rise out of people. When you remember how much a difficult person is suffering, it’s easier to stay focused on minimizing negativity, as opposed to defending yourself or making it worse.

8. Don’t take it personally–but know sometimes it is personal.

Conventional wisdom suggests you should never take it personally when you deal with a negative person. I think it’s a little more complicated than that. You can’t write off everything someone says because they’re insensitive or untactful. An abrasive person can come at you in the worst possible way with a valid point.

Accept that you don’t deserve the excessive emotions in someone’s tone, but weigh their ideas with a willingness to learn. Some of the most useful lessons I’ve learned came from people I wished weren’t right. When you give someone credit who deep down doesn’t think they deserve it, you may inspire a profound shift in how they interpret the world.

9. Act instead of just reacting.

Oftentimes we wait until someone gets angry or depressed to address their persistently negative way of being. If you know someone who seems to deal with difficult thoughts or feelings (as demonstrated in their behavior) don’t wait for a situation to be part of the solution.

Give them a compliment for something they did well. Remind them of a moment when they were happy–as in Remember when you scored that touchdown during the company picnic? That was awesome! You’re more apt to want to boost them up when they haven’t brought you down. This may help mitigate that later, and also give them a little relief from their pain.

10. Maintain the right relationship based on reality as it is.

With my friend, I’m always wishing she could be more positive. I consistently put myself in situations where I feel bad because I want to help. Because I want her to be happy. I’ve recently realized the best I can do is accept her as she is, let her know I believe in her ability to be happy, and then give her space to make the choice.

That means hanging up after I’ve made an effort to help. Or cutting a night short if I’ve done all I can and it’s draining me. Hopefully she’ll want to change some day. Until then, all I can do is love her, while loving myself enough to take care of my needs. Which often means putting them first.

–

I’ve learned you can’t always saved the world. But you can make the world a better place by working on yourself–by becoming self-aware, tapping into your compassion, and protecting your positive space. You may even help negative people by fostering a sense of peace their negativity can’t pierce.

by Lori Deschene

One of the founding principles behind Tiny Buddha is that simple wisdom, when applied, can have a huge effect on happiness, mindfulness and peace–not just for you, but also for the people around you.

The most helpful ideas might not seem so simple in the context of our complex lives; but oftentimes we make things more complicated than necessary by filtering them through a negative attitude, or thinking too much and applying too little.

That’s makes The Dalai Lama’s Little Book of Wisdom so compelling: it’s simultaneously profound and simple. It provides some of the most helpful of the Dalai Lama’s teachings in palatable, bite-size chunks.

Having had a copy on my nightstand for over a year, I couldn’t have been more excited to receive three copies to give away to readers.

The book offers insights about finding contentment, dealing with anger and emotions, transforming the mind, and more; and concludes with a question and answer section that addresses how to apply Buddhist wisdom to real life.

Many of the highlighted passages in my copy have come to you via the Tiny Buddha Twitter stream, and more likely will down the line.

As the book flap reads:

“His Holiness shows us how our state of mind, in terms of our attitudes and emotions, plays a crucial role in how we experience happiness and suffering. With characteristic humor and a down-to-earth approach to the Buddhist path, His Holiness the Dalai Lama offers us an inspirational way to transform our hearts and minds and create the happiness we seek.”

If you’d like to transform your heart and mind, enter to win a copy! Here’s what you need to do:

1. Leave a comment below. Be sure to include an email address (in the comment form) that you check regularly so I can contact you if you win.

2. Tweet the following:

RT @tinybuddha The Dalai Lama’s Little Book of Wisdom Giveaway–Comment on the blog & RT to win! http://bit.ly/908y6H

You can enter until midnight PST on Sunday, May 2nd. I will announce the winners on Monday.

If you can’t wait to get your hands on a copy, you can grab one here at Amazon.

Before you go! I’m excited to speak about sharing wisdom through social media at the Wisdom 2.0 Conference in Mountain View, California this Saturday. There are a few last-minute tickets available if you’re interested in attending.

by Trevor Smith

Hey, I know you’re busy. Aren’t we all? But it’s time you did yourself a favor. Investing in yourself is a surefire way to give your mind a growth spurt without any stretch marks.

Take a week to reinvent your mindset. Each of these steps requires minimal effort but yield maximum reward. What are you waiting for? Let’s do this.

This “cleanse” is laid out over the course of a week, but you don’t have to follow each day in any particular order. Tailor each challenge to a specific day that works best for your schedule. After all, what good is a program you can’t stick to? No good, Charlie. No good.

Day 1: Take a walk and be unreachable.

Turn off your phone and go for a 30 minute walk. There’s something to be said about being completely unreachable. Who’s to say that we’re available whenever someone needs us? You are. Like the rest of us, you probably carry a cell phone.

That means that anyone in the known universe can dial your number and interrupt whatever you’re doing. Important or not, it’s your life. Remember the scene in Rocky when Adrian asks to use his phone? Rocky doesn’t have a phone. “Yo. Who needs the interruption?”

Take a stand and shut off the world for a half-hour. Walk around the block and resist the urge to see what’s new on Twitter. Your Facebook status doesn’t matter right now. Walk around the block and enjoy being at the mercy of Mother Nature.

Remember, you’re not doing this to ignore someone, but to embrace no-one. If it doesn’t leave you feeling refreshed and empowered, at least you got some fresh air.

Day 2: Call someone you love.

Plain and simple, right? I’m sure Aunt Flo would love to hear from you. Grandma Smith melts every time she hears your voice. Crazy Uncle Steven is having a rough day. Cheer him up. Too often we neglect the people we love the most.

Remember when Cousin Russell fell off the trampoline and broke his arm? That was hilarious. Call him and remind him. This is an easy one that can take as little as 5 minutes.

Staying in touch is hugely important. Friends and family are all you’ve got, so remind them that you’re keeping them in your thoughts. You’ll thank yourself later. Guaranteed or your money back.

Day 3: Compliment a stranger.

The last time I had a rough day at work, I stopped at Sprouts to grab a sandwich for lunch. Angry at the world and fed up with just about everyone, I refused to make conversation with anyone. As I walked up to the counter to pay for my BLT, the cashier looked me square in the face and said “It’s great to see you! That shirt really brings out your eyes.”

I was stopped dead in my tracks. It’s impossible to stifle a smile with a greeting like that. If you aren’t instantly cheered up, you’re either Simon Cowell or Gordon Ramsey.

Giving a compliment is the most effective way to make a difference in someone’s day. Making someone else smile will assuredly make you smile in return. Spread the joy! It could change someone’s life.

Be sure to compliment a complete stranger. It shows the three essential C’s. (Character, Class, and Courage)

Day 4: Quiet the noise. Turn off the world.

This is the most difficult challenge of the week. The rules: No texting. No talk radio. No social networks. No e-mail. You’re going to ignore every incoming piece of information possible. When you get a text, respond with a phone call.

Turn off e-mail notifications and only check your inbox in the morning and in the evening. It’s time for a mental detox. Between Twitter, Facebook, the news, and conversations with friends, there’s always a steady flow of material for your brain to process.

Take this day to turn it off and cut out the fat. The more information you expose yourself to, the less you will retain. Weeding out the pieces that don’t matter allows you to focus on the things that do. Enjoy your day today; not someone else’s yesterday.

Day 5: Eat lunch outside.

What a nice day! Find the nearest park bench and soak in some sunshine. Studies show an increase in focus, memory, and psychological health just from being outdoors. Feel the breeze. Hear the leaves rustle.

Experiencing the “now” will make you feel infinitely more connected to the universe. As cheesy as it sounds, it’s true. Being in the same environment day after day wears you down. Change it up. Soak in the rays.

Day 6: Donate.

Be honest with yourself; you’re pretty lucky. You are probably in good health, have a job, and eat three meals a day. In some countries, that’s living like royalty. Why not give yourself the warm-and-fuzzies and give back?

Find a cause that interests you and give $1. A drop in the bucket for you could be a game changer for someone else. When life gives you lemons, give someone else your lemonade. Capisce?

Day 7: Ignore the clocks.

What time is it? Who cares. Time is of the essence. Can you imagine how stressed out cavemen would have been if they had set deadlines? Must bring food to camp by noon. Must gather nuts and berries by three. Must cook meat by five. Must invent Guitar Hero before Krom.

You’re doing the same thing to your day on a macro level without even realizing it. Go an entire day without setting a deadline. Do everything in your power to ignore what time it is. This is probably best done on a Sunday. You have an entire day to do what you will. Take the pressure off!

Easy, right? I thought so. You’ve done more this week than most people do in an entire year. You donated, exercised, made people smile, and got plenty of fresh air. Way to go, champ! You get a cookie.

Try and work some of these principles into your daily routine. I try and “tech-cleanse” at least once a month, eat lunch outside at least once a week, and give a compliment at least once a day.

If you can think of anything else, post it in the comments. Otherwise, thanks for reading! Way to take the initiative, soldier. Until next time, keep on keepin’ on.

by Therese Ember

“The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.”  ~Samuel Johnson

Just after my mother’s colon cancer surgery, my father was laid off from work.

I was 16 years old and felt silently helpless and terrified.  My Mom had been attending church but, on this certain day, she didn’t feel well enough to attend. After this particular church service, an exceedingly thin, frail, elderly woman approached me. She requested if I would please accompany her on an errand.

I felt too afraid of being disrespectful of the elderly, so shyly I sat next to her in her car as she drove to a grocery store. Her name was Georgie.

I began pushing Georgie’s grocery cart down the first aisle. It was then that she paused, pointed to an item, and asked, “Do you have this in your house?”

I started to cry, realizing the true purpose of her “errand.”

She continued, “Now, tell me yes or no.”

I answered, “no”.  She placed the item in the cart. She continued down every single aisle of the supermarket, pointing to every inconceivably generous object.  I couldn’t contain my tears of vulnerability in public nor of her profound generosity to an utter stranger’s family. Someone must have told her about our family’s dire situation.

I stammered, “I haven’t any money or a job. My father got laid off from work. My mother has cancer.”

She said, “Someday you’re going to meet someone in a similar situation and do the same thing for them and that’s how you’ll pay me back”.

She never accepted personal compensation.

Beloved Georgie has long since passed away.

Yet since then, I have secretly tried to emulate Georgie in the hidden way that she conducted “errands.”  To strangers.  They usually initially stammer to decline, until I begin to tell them my story about Georgie. Somehow Georgie gives them permission to safely receive.

I repeat to them what Georgie said to me.  In addition I say, “This is a gift from Georgie.”  They cry and we hug; and thus beloved Georgie lives on into eternity in unimaginably grateful hearts.

Have something to share with our 65,000  followers? Read our submission guidelines and send your guest post to email @ tinybuddha.com.

by Lori Deschene

“Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them, humanity cannot survive.” ~Dalai Lama

Though Valentine’s Day is right around the corner, this is not a post about romance. It’s about any relationship–with your brother, your mother, your coworker, your friend.

And I admit I am not an expert.

I’ve made a million and one mistakes in relationships. I’ve expected too much. Or not asked for what I needed in fear of rocking the boat. I’ve been competitive. I’ve been suspisious. I’ve been dependent. I’d like to think what redeems me from all these mistakes is that I’ve also been honest.

Being self aware, in my opinion, is far more valuable than being perfect–mostly because the former is attainable and helpful, while the latter is neither.

Relationships are not easy. They mirror everything we feel about ourselves and the way the world works. When you’ve had a bad day, the people around you seem difficult. When you’re not happy with yourself, your relationships seem to be lacking.

If you’ve ever gotten in a fight, only to find yourself wondering what you were really upset about, this post may help you. If you’ve ever been disappointed because someone didn’t meet your expectations, this post may help you, too. Feel walked on and unheard? You guessed it–there’s likely something in here that will help you change that.

We don’t live in a vacuum. We have thoughts and feelings that can be confusing. Other people do, too. And just like in the movie Crash, they don’t always collide smoothly.

When I apply these ideas–which I do better sometimes than others–I feel confident, strong, compassionate, and peaceful  in my interactions. I hope they can do the same for you.

1. Do what you need to do for you.

Everyone has personal needs, whether it’s going to the gym after work or taking some alone time on Saturday morning. If someone asks you to do something and your instinct is to honor you own need, do that. I’m not saying you can’t make sacrifices sometimes, but it’s important to make a habit of taking care of yourself. (More on this: 10 Ways to Balance Self Interest & Sacrifice).

Someone once told me people are like glasses of water. If you don’t do what you have to do to keep your glass full, you’ll need to take it from someone else–which leaves them half full. Fill your own glass so you can feel whole and complete in your relationships.

2. Give people the benefit of the doubt.

It’s tempting to doubt people. To assume your boyfriend meant to hurt you by not inviting you out with his friends, or your friend meant to make you feel inadequate by flaunting her money. People who care about you want you to feel happy, even if sometimes they get too wrapped up in their own problems to show it well.

Sometimes they may be hurtful and mean it–let’s not pretend we’re all angels. But that won’t be the norm. It will likely be when they’re hurting and don’t know what to do with it. Odds are they’ll feel bad and apologize later. If you want to get good will, share it by seeing the best in the people you love. When you assume the best you often inspire it.

3. Look at yourself for the problem first.

When you feel unhappy with yourself, it’s easy to find something wrong in a relationship. If you blame another person for what you’re feeling, the solution is on them. But this is actually faulty logic. For starters, it gives them all the control. And secondly, it usually doesn’t solve the problem since you didn’t actually address the root cause.

Next time you feel the need to blame someone for your feelings–something they did or should have done–ask yourself if there’s something else going on. You may find there’s something underlying: something you did or should have done for you. Take responsibility for the problem and you have power to create a solution.

4. Be mindful of projecting.

In psychology, projecting refers to denying your own traits and then ascribing them to the outside world or other people. For example, if you’re not a loyal and trusting friend, you may assume your friends are all out to get you. It’s a defense mechanism that allows you to avoid the discomfort of acknowledging your weaknesses. There’s no faster way to put a rift in your relationships.

This comes back to down to self awareness, and it’s hard work. Acknowledging your flaws isn’t fun; but if you don’t, you’ll continue seeing them in everyone around you. And you’ll continue to hurt. Next time you see something negative in someone else, ask yourself if it’s true for you. It might not be–but if it is, identifying it can help create peace in that relationship.

5. Choose your battles.

Everyone knows someone who makes everything a fight. If you question them about something, you can expect an argument. If you comment on something they did, you’ll probably get yelled at. Even a compliment could create a confrontation. Some people just like to fight–maybe to channel negativity they’re carrying around about the world or themselves.

On the one hand, you have to tell people when there’s something bothering you. That’s the only way to address problems. On the other hand, you don’t have to let everything bother you. When I’m not sure if I need to bring something up, I ask myself these few questions:

• Does this happen often and leave me feeling bad?
• Does this really matter in the grand scheme of things?
• Can I empathize with their feelings instead of dwelling on my insecurity?

6. Confront compassionately and clearly.

When you attack someone, their natural instinct is to defend themself–which gets you nowhere. You end up having a loud conversation where two people do their best to prove they’re right and the other one is wrong. It’s rarely that black and white. It’s more likely you both have points, but you’re both too stubborn to meet in the middle.

If you approach someone with compassion, you will open their hearts and minds. Show them you understand where they’re coming from, and they’ll be willing to see your side. That gives you a chance to express yourself and your expectations clearly. And when you let people know what you need at the right time in the right way, they’re more likely to give that to you.

7. Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable.

There are all kinds of ways you can feel vulnerable in relationships: When you express your feelings for someone else. When you’re honest about yourself or your past. When you admit you made a mistake. People don’t always do these things because they want to maintain a sense of power.

Power allows you a superficial sense of control, whereas true, vulnerable being allows you a sense of authenticity. That’s love: being your true self and allowing someone else to do the same without letting fear and judgment tear it down. It’s like Jimi Hendrix said, “When the power of love overcomes the love of power the world will know peace.” I discussed this more in-depth in 5 Rules for Life.

8. Think before acting on emotion.

This one is the hardest for me. As soon as I feel hurt, frustrated, or angry, I want to do something with it–which is always a bad idea. I’ve realized my initial emotional reaction does not always reflect how I really feel about something. Initially, I might feel scared or angry–but once I calm down and think things through, I often realize I overreacted.

When you feel a strong emotion, try to sit it for a while. Don’t use it or run from it–just feel it. When you learn to observe your feelings before acting on them, you minimize the negativity you create in two ways: you process, analyze, and deal with feelings before putting them on someone else; and you communicate in a way that inspires them to stay open instead of shutting down.

9. Maintain boundaries.

When people get close, boundaries can get fuzzy. In a relationship without boundaries, you let the other person manipulate you into doing things you don’t want to do. You act out of guilt instead of honoring your needs. You let someone offend you without telling them how you feel about it. The best way to ensure people treat you how you want to be treated is to teach them.

That means you have to love and respect yourself enough to do that: to acknowledge what you need, and speak up. The only way to truly have loving, peaceful relationships is to start with a loving, peaceful relationship with yourself. This is a huge topic; if it resonates with you, I recommend this wonderful article (yes, on Oprah’s website) that explains how to set personal boundaries.

10. Enjoy their company more than their approval.

When you desperately need someone’s approval, your relationship becomes all about what they do for you: how often they stroke your ego, how well they bring you up when you feel down, how well they mitigate your negative feelings. This is draining for another person; and it  creates an unbalanced relationship.

If you notice yourself dwelling on pleasing someone else or getting their approval, realize you’re creating that need. (Unless you’re in an abusive relationship, in which case I highly recommend getting help.) Instead of focusing on what you can get from that person, focus on enjoying yourselves together. Oftentimes the best thing you can do for yourself and someone else is let go and give yourself permission to smile.

What do you do to create peaceful, loving relationships?

by Lori Deschene

“When someone receives us with open-hearted, non-judging, intensely interested listening, our spirits expand.” ~Sue Patton Theole

Whether you’re talking to your mother or your coworker, odds are you don’t always give your complete attention without formulating thoughts of your own. Even the most Zen person sometimes waits to talk instead of really listening.

It happens all the time.

As your sister recounts her afternoon and the hassle she encountered at the DMV, you feel the temptation to interrupt and one-up her—your afternoon was even crazier.

While your boyfriend tells you about his interview, you half-listen and half prepare your own monologue, entitled My Long Day at the Office.

And let’s not forget your daughter’s after-school recap, when it takes everything inside you to not finish her sentence, rush her to the point, and start doling out chores. Without realizing it, you’ve given a subtle cue she doesn’t deserve your time and full attention.

When you focus your energy on planning what to say next, you don’t completely hear what someone’s saying—meaning you respond to them without digesting their words first. Instead of staying open, allowing their story maximum impact, you listen halfheartedly so you’ll have your turn, and hopefully their agreement or approval.

After all, that’s what we all want: a sense that we’re heard, our feelings make sense, and we have a right to feel them.

Why not give that gift to someone else before seeking it for yourself?

It’s challenging to stop thinking about our lives long enough to focus on someone else’s. And it may seem counterintuitive—how can you converse if you don’t process what someone else says and considerate it within the context of your own reality?

It’s not so much a matter of shutting off your mind as it is learning to focus your attention. To actively listen without judging or drifting so you can respond from a place of clarity. To quell your instinct to switch the subject when that person you care about would appreciate just a little more of your time.

When you resist the urge to compare or compete, and refrain from forming opinions, you let other people know you care about what they have to say. Not just because it gives you an excuse to talk about yourself, but because you value their thoughts and learn from them.

In the process, you also give yourself a break from worrying, analyzing, and judging—a brief flicker in time to let everything go and just absorb the world around you.

In that way you benefit twofold from forgetting yourself for a while.

Do happy. It’s something you’re due.