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by Therese Ember

“The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.”  ~Samuel Johnson

Just after my mother’s colon cancer surgery, my father was laid off from work.

I was 16 years old and felt silently helpless and terrified.  My Mom had been attending church but, on this certain day, she didn’t feel well enough to attend. After this particular church service, an exceedingly thin, frail, elderly woman approached me. She requested if I would please accompany her on an errand.

I felt too afraid of being disrespectful of the elderly, so shyly I sat next to her in her car as she drove to a grocery store. Her name was Georgie.

I began pushing Georgie’s grocery cart down the first aisle. It was then that she paused, pointed to an item, and asked, “Do you have this in your house?”

I started to cry, realizing the true purpose of her “errand.”

She continued, “Now, tell me yes or no.”

I answered, “no”.  She placed the item in the cart. She continued down every single aisle of the supermarket, pointing to every inconceivably generous object.  I couldn’t contain my tears of vulnerability in public nor of her profound generosity to an utter stranger’s family. Someone must have told her about our family’s dire situation.

I stammered, “I haven’t any money or a job. My father got laid off from work. My mother has cancer.”

She said, “Someday you’re going to meet someone in a similar situation and do the same thing for them and that’s how you’ll pay me back”.

She never accepted personal compensation.

Beloved Georgie has long since passed away.

Yet since then, I have secretly tried to emulate Georgie in the hidden way that she conducted “errands.”  To strangers.  They usually initially stammer to decline, until I begin to tell them my story about Georgie. Somehow Georgie gives them permission to safely receive.

I repeat to them what Georgie said to me.  In addition I say, “This is a gift from Georgie.”  They cry and we hug; and thus beloved Georgie lives on into eternity in unimaginably grateful hearts.

Have something to share with our 65,000  followers? Read our submission guidelines and send your guest post to email @ tinybuddha.com.

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by Lori Deschene

“Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them, humanity cannot survive.” ~Dalai Lama

Though Valentine’s Day is right around the corner, this is not a post about romance. It’s about any relationship–with your brother, your mother, your coworker, your friend.

And I admit I am not an expert.

I’ve made a million and one mistakes in relationships. I’ve expected too much. Or not asked for what I needed in fear of rocking the boat. I’ve been competitive. I’ve been suspisious. I’ve been dependent. I’d like to think what redeems me from all these mistakes is that I’ve also been honest.

Being self aware, in my opinion, is far more valuable than being perfect–mostly because the former is attainable and helpful, while the latter is neither.

Relationships are not easy. They mirror everything we feel about ourselves and the way the world works. When you’ve had a bad day, the people around you seem difficult. When you’re not happy with yourself, your relationships seem to be lacking.

If you’ve ever gotten in a fight, only to find yourself wondering what you were really upset about, this post may help you. If you’ve ever been disappointed because someone didn’t meet your expectations, this post may help you, too. Feel walked on and unheard? You guessed it–there’s likely something in here that will help you change that.

We don’t live in a vacuum. We have thoughts and feelings that can be confusing. Other people do, too. And just like in the movie Crash, they don’t always collide smoothly.

When I apply these ideas–which I do better sometimes than others–I feel confident, strong, compassionate, and peaceful  in my interactions. I hope they can do the same for you.

1. Do what you need to do for you.

Everyone has personal needs, whether it’s going to the gym after work or taking some alone time on Saturday morning. If someone asks you to do something and your instinct is to honor you own need, do that. I’m not saying you can’t make sacrifices sometimes, but it’s important to make a habit of taking care of yourself. (More on this: 10 Ways to Balance Self Interest & Sacrifice).

Someone once told me people are like glasses of water. If you don’t do what you have to do to keep your glass full, you’ll need to take it from someone else–which leaves them half full. Fill your own glass so you can feel whole and complete in your relationships.

2. Give people the benefit of the doubt.

It’s tempting to doubt people. To assume your boyfriend meant to hurt you by not inviting you out with his friends, or your friend meant to make you feel inadequate by flaunting her money. People who care about you want you to feel happy, even if sometimes they get too wrapped up in their own problems to show it well.

Sometimes they may be hurtful and mean it–let’s not pretend we’re all angels. But that won’t be the norm. It will likely be when they’re hurting and don’t know what to do with it. Odds are they’ll feel bad and apologize later. If you want to get good will, share it by seeing the best in the people you love. When you assume the best you often inspire it.

3. Look at yourself for the problem first.

When you feel unhappy with yourself, it’s easy to find something wrong in a relationship. If you blame another person for what you’re feeling, the solution is on them. But this is actually faulty logic. For starters, it gives them all the control. And secondly, it usually doesn’t solve the problem since you didn’t actually address the root cause.

Next time you feel the need to blame someone for your feelings–something they did or should have done–ask yourself if there’s something else going on. You may find there’s something underlying: something you did or should have done for you. Take responsibility for the problem and you have power to create a solution.

4. Be mindful of projecting.

In psychology, projecting refers to denying your own traits and then ascribing them to the outside world or other people. For example, if you’re not a loyal and trusting friend, you may assume your friends are all out to get you. It’s a defense mechanism that allows you to avoid the discomfort of acknowledging your weaknesses. There’s no faster way to put a rift in your relationships.

This comes back to down to self awareness, and it’s hard work. Acknowledging your flaws isn’t fun; but if you don’t, you’ll continue seeing them in everyone around you. And you’ll continue to hurt. Next time you see something negative in someone else, ask yourself if it’s true for you. It might not be–but if it is, identifying it can help create peace in that relationship.

5. Choose your battles.

Everyone knows someone who makes everything a fight. If you question them about something, you can expect an argument. If you comment on something they did, you’ll probably get yelled at. Even a compliment could create a confrontation. Some people just like to fight–maybe to channel negativity they’re carrying around about the world or themselves.

On the one hand, you have to tell people when there’s something bothering you. That’s the only way to address problems. On the other hand, you don’t have to let everything bother you. When I’m not sure if I need to bring something up, I ask myself these few questions:

• Does this happen often and leave me feeling bad?
• Does this really matter in the grand scheme of things?
• Can I empathize with their feelings instead of dwelling on my insecurity?

6. Confront compassionately and clearly.

When you attack someone, their natural instinct is to defend themself–which gets you nowhere. You end up having a loud conversation where two people do their best to prove they’re right and the other one is wrong. It’s rarely that black and white. It’s more likely you both have points, but you’re both too stubborn to meet in the middle.

If you approach someone with compassion, you will open their hearts and minds. Show them you understand where they’re coming from, and they’ll be willing to see your side. That gives you a chance to express yourself and your expectations clearly. And when you let people know what you need at the right time in the right way, they’re more likely to give that to you.

7. Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable.

There are all kinds of ways you can feel vulnerable in relationships: When you express your feelings for someone else. When you’re honest about yourself or your past. When you admit you made a mistake. People don’t always do these things because they want to maintain a sense of power.

Power allows you a superficial sense of control, whereas true, vulnerable being allows you a sense of authenticity. That’s love: being your true self and allowing someone else to do the same without letting fear and judgment tear it down. It’s like Jimi Hendrix said, “When the power of love overcomes the love of power the world will know peace.” I discussed this more in-depth in 5 Rules for Life.

8. Think before acting on emotion.

This one is the hardest for me. As soon as I feel hurt, frustrated, or angry, I want to do something with it–which is always a bad idea. I’ve realized my initial emotional reaction does not always reflect how I really feel about something. Initially, I might feel scared or angry–but once I calm down and think things through, I often realize I overreacted.

When you feel a strong emotion, try to sit it for a while. Don’t use it or run from it–just feel it. When you learn to observe your feelings before acting on them, you minimize the negativity you create in two ways: you process, analyze, and deal with feelings before putting them on someone else; and you communicate in a way that inspires them to stay open instead of shutting down.

9. Maintain boundaries.

When people get close, boundaries can get fuzzy. In a relationship without boundaries, you let the other person manipulate you into doing things you don’t want to do. You act out of guilt instead of honoring your needs. You let someone offend you without telling them how you feel about it. The best way to ensure people treat you how you want to be treated is to teach them.

That means you have to love and respect yourself enough to do that: to acknowledge what you need, and speak up. The only way to truly have loving, peaceful relationships is to start with a loving, peaceful relationship with yourself. This is a huge topic; if it resonates with you, I recommend this wonderful article (yes, on Oprah’s website) that explains how to set personal boundaries.

10. Enjoy their company more than their approval.

When you desperately need someone’s approval, your relationship becomes all about what they do for you: how often they stroke your ego, how well they bring you up when you feel down, how well they mitigate your negative feelings. This is draining for another person; and it  creates an unbalanced relationship.

If you notice yourself dwelling on pleasing someone else or getting their approval, realize you’re creating that need. (Unless you’re in an abusive relationship, in which case I highly recommend getting help.) Instead of focusing on what you can get from that person, focus on enjoying yourselves together. Oftentimes the best thing you can do for yourself and someone else is let go and give yourself permission to smile.

What do you do to create peaceful, loving relationships?

Want to contribute a post? Send it to email @ tinybuddha.com.

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“When someone receives us with open-hearted, non-judging, intensely interested listening, our spirits expand.” ~Sue Patton Theole

Whether you’re talking to your mother or your coworker, odds are you don’t always give your complete attention without formulating thoughts of your own. Even the most Zen person sometimes waits to talk instead of really listening.

It happens all the time.

As your sister recounts her afternoon and the hassle she encountered at the DMV, you feel the temptation to interrupt and one-up her—your afternoon was even crazier.

While your boyfriend tells you about his interview, you half-listen and half prepare your own monologue, entitled My Long Day at the Office.

And let’s not forget your daughter’s after-school recap, when it takes everything inside you to not finish her sentence, rush her to the point, and start doling out chores. Without realizing it, you’ve given a subtle cue she doesn’t deserve your time and full attention.

When you focus your energy on planning what to say next, you don’t completely hear what someone’s saying—meaning you respond to them without digesting their words first. Instead of staying open, allowing their story maximum impact, you listen halfheartedly so you’ll have your turn, and hopefully their agreement or approval.

After all, that’s what we all want: a sense that we’re heard, our feelings make sense, and we have a right to feel them.

Why not give that gift to someone else before seeking it for yourself?

It’s challenging to stop thinking about our lives long enough to focus on someone else’s. And it may seem counterintuitive—how can you converse if you don’t process what someone else says and considerate it within the context of your own reality?

It’s not so much a matter of shutting off your mind as it is learning to focus your attention. To actively listen without judging or drifting so you can respond from a place of clarity. To quell your instinct to switch the subject when that person you care about would appreciate just a little more of your time.

When you resist the urge to compare or compete, and refrain from forming opinions, you let other people know you care about what they have to say. Not just because it gives you an excuse to talk about yourself, but because you value their thoughts and learn from them.

In the process, you also give yourself a break from worrying, analyzing, and judging—a brief flicker in time to let everything go and just absorb the world around you.

In that way you benefit twofold from forgetting yourself for a while.

Do happy. It’s something you’re due.

• Look Longer
• Pursue Fewer Goals
• Stop Doing

Read all Do Happy tips here. Photo here.

“Could a greater miracle take place than for us to look through each other’s eyes for a minute?” ~Henry David Thoreau

You’re riding on the subway, immersed in a book. You’re running in the park, lost in your iPod. You’re waiting in line at Starbucks, fixated on the menu.

Sometimes we act like we’re completely alone, even when  surrounded by lots of people. It’s like we’re following an unspoken rule that suggests we shouldn’t look at each other, at least not for too long.

It happens all the time: you suddenly make eye contact with someone you don’t know, and your discomfort compels you to avert your eyes. If you do manage a smile, it’s probably perfunctory, without real joy and affection behind it. Those are emotions you reserve for people you  know–people you’re more intimate with.

Some studies have indicated people who live in cities are less apt to make eye contact with strangers than people who live in suburbs. This may be a response to crowding; when you feel you don’t have enough personal space, you’re more protective of it.

If there’s truth to that hypothesis, it’s somewhat ironic. You move to a city to experience the life that pulsates through it; and respond by shutting down in everyday situations.

Resist the urge to shutdown. Instead of walking with your eyes glued to your feet, hold your head high and connect with people. Really see them and let them see you. If you’re not a confident person, connecting for more than one second may feel incredibly difficult. Just try.

When you make a genuine connection you acknowledge the person in front of you is real and worthy. You remind both them and yourself that no one operates in a vacuum. That the world is so much larger than the constructs we operate within: our families, our teams at work, our friends. And lastly, you foster the type of spirit that stays open to possibilities.

When you look a little longer you see more–more in other people, more within yourself, and more within your reach. 

Do happy. It’s something you’re due.

Related Do Happy tips:

• Unstrange a Stranger
• Un-Side for a While
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by Lori Deschene

Yesterday morning, two of the correspondents on the news in Boston (where I’m home for the holidays) had an interesting conversation about the classic It’s a Wonderful Life.

One of them said he’s not a big fan of the movie, which instilled a sense of complete outrage in me.

How dare he take George Bailey’s name in vain? It’s such an inspirational film! From saving Harry’s life to finding Zuzu’s petals, every scene gets my little heart aflutter with renewed hope in our ability to make a difference and find happiness.

When the initial offense faded, I listened to what clearly-heartless news guy was saying. And he actually had a point.

The main character, George Bailey, sacrificed everything he wanted in life for the people around him. If he continued to operate in a constant state of self sacrifice, he’d likely always have regrets where other men have dreams.

And why should he not have the chance, at some point, to feel satisfaction that isn’t hinged upon having saved someone else’s life?

At the end of the movie, he receives the ultimate assurance that his life is best lived with everyone else’s interests before his own: a party where he receives all the gratitude and admiration he clearly felt had been lacking prior.

The implication seems to be that he should continue on this path because everyone’s life would have fallen apart if he didn’t come to their rescue.

The movie critique got me thinking about the sacrifices we make for other people. If you know me, you may find it off that I–ever the eternal optimist–have chosen to dissect the act of selflessness right before a holiday that often inspires it.

This is precisely why I have.

Holidays generally bring out the best in people. When we pull out the tear jerkers that remind us people care and miracles happen, we’re motivated to be the change we want to see in the world. To express and show our feelings. To care in action.

But what’s more important than an epiphany shouted from a balcony on Christmas morning is an understanding of healthy giving–both to others and ourselves–that’s sustainable all year long.

I, for one, would find this information invaluable, as I’m somewhat of a George Bailey–ever willing to consider someone else’s feelings and interests before my own. On some level it’s because I want to be kind; but often I’m motivated by the desire to feel important and useful. Or to please other people. Or even to avoid facing my own needs.

If you can relate on any level, consider these reasons to find a balance between doing for others and yourself:

Too much sacrifice can harm relationships. According to Ted Hagen, PhD, “The give and take between two people creates mutual respect. It strengthens a relationship.”

Excessive giving can create internal resentment. If you continually put everyone else first, you may eventually resent everyone for expecting so much of you–when in all reality, you had the choice to give less at any time.

Sacrificing is not always helpful. We often give because we think it’s the right thing to do; but sometimes it’s just plain not. People (children especially) need to learn to take care of themselves and to accept the world won’t always meet their every wish, whim, and need.

To truly give yourself, you need to take care of yourself. Your daily car ride may make someone’s life easier; but your bond as a healthy, happy person is far more valuable. You can only offer than if you take care of your own needs, as well.

We all deserve a life that involves doing and resisting and giving and taking and being selfish and selfless at times. I recommend the following steps to find a balance with all of the above:

1. Identify your current give/take ratio. If you’d like to find a balance you have to know how off-balance you currently are. Is it 50/50? Or 70/30?

2. Establish your reason for imbalance. Are you overextending yourself to feel powerful? Or to please everyone? You need to figure this out to address the next part.

3. Find an alternative plan. If your goal is to feel powerful and helpful, start mentoring a child on the weekend. If you’d like to be well-liked, nurture qualities and skills that attract people to you–other than your tendency to say yes. This is a far better approach to gaining respect anyway.

4. Take a piece of the pie. You can’t give everyone in your life 100%, so you likely give your parents, friends, and significant other a percentage of your energy. Consider a piece of that your own, and honor that in your choices.

5. Think of taking as another form of giving. Everything you get from giving–the people who love you will get the same if you give them a chance to reciprocate. Why not allow them the opportunity to feel helpful and important, too?

6. Take a drama-free look at your relationships. Do some people take more than give? The goal isn’t to blame, attack, or make yourself a victim; but rather to establish which relationships need to change.

7. Make attempts to repair unbalanced relationships. If the give/take ratio is off-kilter, you need to address this–either by asking for what you need when you need it, or initiating a constructive conversation. If the bond is worth saving the other person will be at least a little receptive.

8. Make a habit of expressing your needs. People won’t always anticipate them and step up to the plate, even if you operate that way. If you state your expectations, it will be easier for people to meet them. (Trust that they’ll want to! That’s how healthy relationships work.)

9. Check in without an even-Steven philosophy. You don’t need to keep an internal scorecard of how much people are doing for you; but you should feel that, on the whole, they’re there for you physically and emotionally as much as you’re there for them.

10. Ask yourself, “Would I need a George Bailey moment of gratitude and admiration to justify all I’ve sacrificed?” If the answer is yes, you know you’re not living a completely fulfilling life. One in which you look out for yourself, and honor your wants and needs as much as other people’s.

Making now the perfect time to ask yourself: how can I accept where the choices I’ve made have taken me–but make more balanced choices from here on out for a truly wonderful life?

Other posts by Lori Deschene you may enjoy:

• 5 Ways to Make a Big Difference in Someone’s Day
• 5 Rules for Life
• 2 Ways You Think Yourself Unhappy (and 10 Things to Do About It)
• 10 Ways I Know There’s Nothing Wrong with You or Me

by Lori Deschene

There’s this saying I used to love that doesn’t resonate with me anymore:

“Go big or go home.”

I understand the allure of doing big things.

Life seems more meaningful when you’re pursuing a passion that could feasibly improve life for masses of people; and at the end of the day, most of us want to create a legacy—something that lives on beyond our own ripple-in-the-ocean life spans.

I’m not arguing the benefits of going big if that’s what you want to do—especially since I have a few big plans of my own. But there are a couple of implications here I would like to debunk:

1. If you’re playing small, you’re not playing smart.

Wrong. Determine what makes you happy and gives you a sense of purpose, and then live it—whether that means finding a cure for cancer, or finding your son’s favorite toy for the fifteenth time in a day.

Play by your own rules; no one else’s.

2. If you’re not doing something big, you’re not making a difference.

Wrong. Revolutionaries like Ted Kennedy and titans like Ted Turner made massive contributions to the world, but our society also advances when parents raise well-adjusted children, and teachers inspire students to utilize their talents and overcome pressures.

Whether you have grand plans or not, I think it’s important to play small every day—even while keeping your eye on a larger goal. The little things make a huge difference, both for us and the people whose lives we touch.

Each of these small acts will make a meaningful difference in someone’s life, and hopefully fill you with joy and satisfaction:

1. Talk to an elderly person you meet waiting at the DMV or sitting on the bus. Ask him about his life, his children, the job he had before retiring.

It’s an unfortunate fact that many elderly people are isolated from society—and sometimes their families, if they have them. They crave meaningful connections and opportunities to share their passions, memories, and wisdom.

You may be surprised by what you receive when you extend that gift. But most importantly, you’ll give something small but powerful to someone who’s already given the world so much.

2. Find a blog about a topic you enjoy—one that doesn’t have any comments—and get in on the conversation.

There are over 100 million blogs on the net, about every topic under the sun. Many of those bloggers couldn’t care less about advertising revenue or thought leadership. They just want to share their passions, and hopefully connect with other people.

Your thoughtful comment could brighten their day, and reinforce that people truly are listening.

3. Ask a homeless person if there’s someone you can call for them.

Lots of homeless people have become alienated from their families, particularly the younger ones. Maybe they’re too proud to ask for help, or afraid their loved one won’t be receptive to their plea.

That pride or fear could be the biggest mistake of their life; and you could help them overcome it. If they’re not receptive, or if they truly have no one to call, just lend an ear. Perhaps in telling his story he’ll find the strength to seek help.

4. Prove someone cynical wrong.

There are a lot of people out there who believe people are basically selfish; that no one does anything just to be helpful or kind. I think that’s the saddest way to be in this world, because we generally seek evidence for the beliefs we form. Meaning it’s really difficult to reverse this perspective.

Do something completely selfless for that person. It may not change their philosophy, but maybe it will challenge it. You never know when one simple kindness will soften the anger or pain someone’s holding.

5. Tweet, “Is there anything I can do to help or support you today?”

It’s a simple question, but I’ve found it can make a significant difference.

As a direct result of asking, I’ve edited a college senior’s resume, introduced someone to his next employer, and helped a new friend name a website he started just last month (BuddhaDoes.com).

Sometimes the best way to make a difference is to open your heart and be a friend, whatever that means to the person who needs one.

The most meaningful acts are often the ones we commit without prompting or expectations.

We have such profound power when we lend an ear, a hand, or an act of kindness because it reminds the recipient that people are good. People do care. That’s what gives life meaning: the people who touch our lives, and the people whose lives we touch.

I’d love to know what you think. Have anything to add to the list?

Lori Deschene, lead contributor, lives in the San Francisco Bay Area. Read more of her posts here and follow her on Twitter @lori_deschene.

Recent posts by Lori Deschene you may enjoy:

• 20 Ways to Show You Care Without Spending a Dime
• 10 Questions to Ask Yourself Before Giving Up on Your Dream
• 40 Ways to Let Go and Feel Less Pain
• 7 Reasons to Be Happy Even if Things Aren’t Perfect Now

by Lori Deschene

“Friendship isn’t a big thing. It’s a million little things.” ~Unknown

This hasn’t been an extravagant holiday season for me. Like everyone and their mother, I lost a lot of income in 2009, and I just don’t have the means to give expensive presents.

Yet I feel I’ve received a lot of gifts this year. Most notably, I’ve realized how many of the people in my life mean more to me than any of the things I’m trying to accomplish.

The friends and family members whose love and support far eclipse the achievement of any goals I set. The people who are my home, whether I can afford a pricey apartment or not.

I’ve come up with 50 ways to show them how much I care within my current means. If you’re looking for a few meaningful gifts that don’t require a debit card, you may find these creative ideas helpful this season:

50. Make a mixed CD of songs they’ll enjoy.

49. Create a hand-made card and leave a thoughtful note.

48. Randomly, without any prompting, look them in the eye and say, “I really appreciate you—just for being you.”

47. Compliment them on something people may not often acknowledge—like their work ethic, or consideration for other people.

46. Give them something from nature that reminds you of them—like a unique shell, or a smooth but sturdy rock.

44. Send them a funny video from YouTube, and write, “You make me laugh more than this video. Thank you!”

43. Draw a map of your apartment with them in it and write, “I’d be lost without you.”

42. Give them something of yours that reminds you of them.

41. Give them a book you’ve already read, and inscribe it with a meaningful message.

40. Ask them if you can take care of their responsibilities; for example, you could offer to pick your friend’s children up from school.

39. Tell them they were so right about something and let them know how that information impacted your life.

38. Look for something on Craigslist you know they need—a job or a piece of affordable furniture, for example—and forward them the ad.

37. Squeeze their hand and say, “thank you.”

36. Ask, “How are you—really?” Then do nothing but listen and respond to what you hear for as long as they’d like to talk.

35. Ask, “What can I do to help you today?”

34. Notice how they affect other people—not you—and comment on it.

33. Cook dinner for them.

32. Make a simple sacrifice to spend time with them; for example, TiVo that show you always catch, and stop by with a 6-pack.

31. See their potential, and encourage them to pursue their dreams.

30. Ask them to retell their favorite story.

29. Let them pick the plans and find a way to really enjoy it—go line dancing, and see the experience through their eyes.

28. Offer them your skill for free. For example, my friend Cori who’s a graphic designer designed something for me last year as an early birthday gift.

27. Tell them which qualities of theirs you admire.

26. Introduce them to someone you love as, “My dear friend who taught me…”

25. Introduce them to something new that you think would enrich their lives.

24. Let them be right, even if you think they’re not, if it’s not that big of a deal.

23. Ask their advice on something important, and tell them their opinion means the world to you.

22. Send them a text that reads, “Thought of you today, and it made me smile.”

21. Notice when they do something that might have been challenging, and applaud their efforts.

20. Tell them the block in your planner that includes their name is the most important on a busy day.

19. Tell them you understand their struggle—whatever that may be—and say you’re always a call away to help.

18. Say thank you for something they don’t realize they gave you, like inspiration to seize the day, or the courage to leave an unhealthy relationship.

17. Let them know how they helped you think about something differently. For example, tell your friend she helped you see losing your job as a gift (if she did).

16. Surprise them in some way with something you know they’ll enjoy.

15. Send them a picture of you two together, and remind them why that day was amazing.

14. Ask how their big day went—whatever that big day may have been.

13. Share their pain when they have it. Hold their hand, wipe their tears, and be their shoulder to lean on.

12. Give them an uncomfortably long hug, like the Do Happy tip suggests.

11. Share a childlike experience with them. Go on the swings, get some ice cream, and let go of your stresses together.

10. Sing a song at karaoke and dedicate it to them. It doesn’t have to be a mushy one. Dedicate Ice, Ice Baby—it’s the thought that counts! 

9. Encourage them to be completely themselves around you. Tell your female friend she’s beautiful even without makeup; or tell your guy friend you like his corny jokes because they’re his.

8. Be honest even if it’s uncomfortable for you.

7. Invite them out with friends of yours they don’t know. Nothing says “I value you” like inclusion.

6. Forgive something they did that hurt you without needing to hear the words, “I’m sorry.”

5. Look out for someone they love.

4. Remember something they said that they thought you didn’t hear.

3. Help them reconnect with someone important in their life.

2. If you blog, write something they inspired, and dedicate it to them.

1. Simply say, “I really care about you, and I wanted you to know.”

Now forget these came from me—one might be coming your way! In the meantime, do you have any ideas to add?

Recent posts by Lori Deschene:

• 10 Questions to Ask Yourself Before Giving Up on Your Dream
• 20 Ways to Give Without Expectations
• 5 Rules for Life

by Lori Deschene

“The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.” ~Samuel Johnson

Some people say there’s no such thing as a selfless act–that any time we do something to help another person, we get something in return, even if it’s just a warm fuzzy feeling.

I’ve spent a lot of time playing with this idea in my head. It doesn’t really bother me to know it feels good to help someone else. That, to me, is a completely acceptable type of selfishness. What give me cause for concern are the underlying expectations we often have when we give “selflessly.”

We’ve all been there. You cover for your coworker because you know you’ll need her assistance next month. You give your sister $20, and then silently look for ways she can pay you back, even if not monetarily. You help your friend get leads for a job, and then feel angry when she isn’t as proactive in offering you support.

I’ve found that these expectations cause more stress than joy. They mar the act of giving, which makes me feel slightly guilty; they lead to disappointment if the person I helped doesn’t return the kindness; and they tie my intentions to an internal score card, which places a wedge in my relationships.

Recently I’ve been asking myself, “What is my expectation?” before I do something for another person. The answer I find most acceptable—cheesy as it may sound—is: to feel good and show love. Strangely, when I release the need to control what I get for giving, I get enough, somehow.

I’ve made a list of 20 things you can do to show you care, without needing the recipient to return the kindness—20 ways giving is its own reward. Maybe some of these will resonate with you. Or perhaps you’ll want to write your own list to spur the spirit of giving without expectations. (Although I’ve written you, these are things I try to do.)

1. Give money you can spare to someone who needs it and then pretend you never had it.

2. Let someone tell a story without feeling the need to one-up them or tell you own.

3. Let someone vent, even if you can’t offer a solution, just to be an ear–without considering how well they listened to you last week.

4. Help someone who is struggling with difficult feelings by admitting you’ve felt the same thing–without considering whether they’d be as open with you.

5. Ask, “What can I do to help you today?” Then let it go after following through.

6. Tell someone how you feel about them, even if it makes you feel vulnerable, just to let them know they’re loved and not alone.

7. Apologize when you’ve acted selfishly, even if you don’t like feeling wrong, because it will remind the other person they deserve to be treated with respect.

8. Let someone else educate you, even if you’re tempted to stay closed minded, because you value their knowledge and appreciate their willingness to share it.

9. Forgive someone who wronged you because you have compassion for them, not because you know they’ll owe you.

10. Hold someone’s hand when they feel vulnerable to let them know you haven’t judged them.

11. Give your full attention to the person in front of you when you’re tempted to let your thoughts wander just to show them their words are valuable.

12. Assume the best when you’re tempted to suspect someone for no valid reason—even if they haven’t always given you the benefit of the doubt.

13. Accompany someone to an appointment or drive them to an interview when they need support just to help them feel strong.

14. Change your plans for someone you love if yours weren’t too important without questioning whether they’d do the same for you.

15. Teach someone how to do something without taking a superior position because they’ve likely taught you many things, whether they were obvious or not.

16. Leave a thoughtful comment on someone’s blog, not to build your readership but rather to show them how they affected you.

17. Tell someone you believe in their potential, even if they haven’t always shown you the same support.

18. Say no when it would make you feel good to say yes, because sometimes being kind means pushing someone to step up and try harder.

19. Tell someone you know they meant well instead of using their mistake as an opportunity to manipulate their guilt.

20. I’ve left this one open for you to write–how do you give just to show you care?

Let’s face it: none of us is always kind. Human nature dictates we’ll act with one eye on what’s in it for us, at least occasionally. And I think that’s OK, as long as we make an effort whenever possible to do good for the sake of it.

Releasing expectations doesn’t mean you give other people permission to treat you thoughtlessly. It just means you check in with your motivations and give because you want to; and then ask for things directly when you want them. People who care about you will be there for you in return.

Other posts by Lori Deschene you may enjoy:

Have a story to share? Tinybuddha is looking for guest posts! Read our submission guidelines and drop us a line at email @ tinybuddha.com

by Tess Marshall

“When I do good, I feel good, when I do bad, I feel bad and that is my religion.” ~Abraham Lincoln

It’s no secret that we live in a world that’s obsessed with wealth, fame and celebrities. Some call it the “age of narcissism.”  I’m not sure I want to label or judge our current circumstances. Instead like Gandhi suggests, I’ll put my focus on being the change I wish to see in the world.

I’m planning to mix things up a bit for 2010 and I invite you to do the same. Instead of creating New Year’s Resolutions that are all about me, I’m going to make mine all about others. Instead of trying to increase my own success I’m going to set others up to succeed.

My personal idea was inspired by CNN’s “Hero of the Year 2009” given to one ordinary person making an extraordinary difference. CNN’s panel chose Efren Penaflorida as the winner for 2009. He received $100,000 for his organization. You can read about all 10 nominees here.

Being an every-day hero does far more for you than you may imagine. Some benefits of volunteering include:

• Volunteer’s develop a “helper’s high” due to a link between kindness and a gene that releases dopamine, a feel-good neurotransmitter in the brain.
• Volunteers report feeling energetic, warm, calmer and greater self-worth.
• Volunteers enjoy being helpful because it’s as pleasurable as eating a chocolate chip cookie.
• Volunteers are more loving and less angry, resentful or fearful.
• Volunteers increase their own level of happiness due to the law of cause and effect: What goes around comes around.

My husband and I currently support The Smile Train, Wounded Warriors, Girl Scouts and Boy Scouts. This year I want to do more. I’m still in the process of deciding what more will look like; I’ll have my decision and plan ready to put into action on January 1st, 2010.

The following are other ideas to inspire you to begin.

1. Provide a box at your school, work or place of worship and ask others to make food contributions. Distribute it monthly.
2. Daily save the change from your purse or pockets and donate it to a favorite charity at the end of each month.
3. Begin a warm coat drive.
4. Join efforts to preserve and protect the environment.
5. Donate cat and dog food to an animal shelter. (Call and ask what is needed.)
6. Collect used books and make a donation.
7. Donate flowers to nursing homes.
8. Donate professional services including: teaching classes, giving a workshop, consulting and coaching services or professional speaking.
9. Teach someone to read.
10. Begin a giving circle with your friends. Every month one person hosts a “girl’s night in” by having a potluck. Each person donates $20 to a chosen cause.
11. Offer to clean or paint someone’s home.
12. Donate your time to a preschool. Collect educational toys.
13. Cook dinner for shut-ins.
14. Collect prom dresses for underprivileged youth.
15. Offer to do manicures and pedicures in a children’s hospital.

A final option:

Make the words, “How can I help” part of your everyday vocabulary. Because actions speak louder than words. Because we want to make the world a better place for everyone.

Photo credit

Visit Tess Marshall at The Bold Life. Tess states her job is to show up, have fun, and do as much good as possible for as many people as possible everyday. You can purchase her book, “Flying By the Seat of My Soul” on her blog or download it for free as an e-book.

Interested in contributing? Read our submission guidelines and send your best original content to email @ tinybuddha.com.

Recent posts you may enjoy:

• 5 Rules for Life
• A scientific Perspective on Happiness: The Rules in Your Head
• 40 Ways to Let Go and Feel Less Pain
• 7 Key Steps to Living a Beautiful Life

by Lori Deschene

“Make finding the good in others a priority.” ~Zig Ziglar

One of the most exciting parts of writing about happiness is getting the opportunity to connect with people who make sharing joy a priority.

If you’re looking for it, you’ll find positive people everywhere—in your office, along your morning commute, on blogs you follow, and within your Twitter stream. They won’t be the only type of person you see; there are plenty of people out there who walk around holding onto a lot of pain, and knowingly or unknowingly spread it.

But an uplifting person—someone who believes in the good in people—shines a light on the potential we all have inside us to hope, believe, and inspire. A light bright enough to offer a different perspective on those other people who seem so negative. Suddenly judgment and fear melt into understanding and compassion.

That’s what Project Happiness is all about: making happiness a real possibility for all. Their main purpose is to provide students with tools and wisdom–based on positive psychology and neuro-scientific research–to create authentic happiness.  They work hands-on with kids of all ages, empowering them to feel good about themselves so they can handle life’s hurdles.

When Rolando Sandor emailed me with an invitation to attend the Project Happiness Cirque de Happiness event this Saturday, I couldn’t have been more excited. Honestly I didn’t know a thing about the non-profit; I just knew “Cirque de” anything had to be a spectacular, fun event.

I was right. I arrived by myself, not even slightly hesitant. It was a fundraiser supporting joy. It would have been pretty ironic if people were closed-off and unfriendly.

The first thing I saw was a woman wearing a white feather wig and matching costume on stilts. The worrier in me stood behind her for a while, so I could catch her if she fell. (Because theatrics make me so gleeful I forget I’m a 5’2” woman, not the incredible Hulk). Luckily she kept her balance.

Later in the evening, after a successful auction, she joined other colorfully dressed performers onstage for aerial dancing.

At that point, I’d already made some new friends at my table: Rolando’s fiancé, her friend, his future mother-in-law, and a Google employee named Dan. Everyone was friendly and open, offering the type of unabashed acceptance that makes you feel free to be authentically yourself.

It was a nice symmetry to the evening’s messages—most notably one story Rolando’s colleague shared mid-way through the night.

While working with a classroom of students, she had instructed them to create two self-portraits: one depicting themselves as others see them; and the other, as they see themselves.

As she walked around she noticed one little girl had drawn a picture of what seemed to be trash. The girl explained that’s how people see her: like a big heaping pile of trash. But in her version of herself, she was a stick figure bending down to help someone up.

“They don’t see it, but I know I’m a good person,” she explained.

On the one hand, it was positive that this little girl believed in the good in herself, but still my heart wilted a bit.

I don’t know what hit me harder: sadness that someone, let alone a child, could believe she looks that worthless in other people’s eyes; or that fact that oftentimes our response to people we don’t understand exacerbates their fears about our perceptions.

It happens all the time—I know; I’ve been on both ends of that stick.

You see someone who appears sullen, so you form a judgment about the kind of person they are. Or you notice someone who’s aloof or socially awkward, so you walk on by instead of being friendly and giving them the courage to open up.

We live in a world that isn’t always peaceful. We live with people who aren’t always kind. People who are scared; people who scare others with the hurtful things they do and say.

Happiness can be a real possibility if we give people the benefit of the doubt. If we offer compassion instead of judgment and prevent unnecessary conflict. If we believe in the good in people even when they don’t believe in it themselves.

Project Happiness promotes those ideas—and we can, too, by making small shifts in the way we interpret and interact with the people we meet every day.

Of course it all depends on how you see things. Do you believe people are good at heart, and that everyone deserves—and has to the potential—to be happy?

***

Project Happiness is doing some amazing things this year; including a trip to Tehran, Iran to develop a peer-to-peer program for young women ostracized by drugs, violence, and abuse. Read more about Project Happiness here.