tinybuddha.com

by Sonia Derian

I write a newsletter every week and last month, a subscriber emailed me with a question I thought was worth exploring.

“… I guess what I’m getting at is if everyone had a choice, treating sewage would be the last thing one would want to do. Isn’t it? Well yes I’m making that judgment. If everyone was Wayne Dyer or that money guru lady Suze Orman, we’d all be reaching fantasy levels of achievement. That is what they seem to be proposing is possible.

But someone still has to take out the trash. If we’re all living big then who’s taking care of the landfills? I guess we could all be having wonderfully luxurious lives but chip in on the dirty stuff sometimes? Like volunteer, or Adopt-A-Highway kind of stuff. Then a boy in Iraq gets his arms and legs blown off and I’m supposed to be like “Yahoo, I’m living big???”….. uh? This is my ‘resistance; isn’t it?… Anyway, there is a topic here. Anything to help me feel better about living big while others suffer…”

It’s a big question: If there are others suffering in the world, what right do I have to think about myself or my lofty goals? What right do I have to consider more for myself when there are others who can’t even feed themselves, literally or figuratively?

I’ll begin with a quote from Marianne Williamson who talks in her book The Age of Miracles about the Butterfly Effect (based in Chaos Theory):

“When a butterfly flaps its wings near the tip of South America, it affects the wind patterns near the North Pole. And the same is true in the realm of consciousness: Every miracle you work in your life is a blessing on life itself.”

There is only one life happening that we are all a part of. If we are all in fact one big interwoven tapestry, then we are all connected. That being said, we can only be responsible for how we conduct our own lives.

By doing for ourselves, we come to a place where we are able to do for others and we change the consciousness of possibility on the planet.

At Obama’s inauguration, there were a lot of people being interviewed on the Plaza. One that struck me was an African American father. When asked what Obama’s presidency meant to him, he said:

“It means I will no longer have to lie to my son. Now, I’ve seen it for myself and can say with honesty: He can be anything he wants when he grows up. Even the President of the United States.”

This is how change happens. Someone first has to carry the torch of possibility.

No amount of suffering we do on our part will alleviate the suffering in another part of the world. However, every bit the amount of success we live can increase another’s chances of success. We cannot hold a hand out to pull someone up without stable footing ourselves.

You’ve heard it from flight attendants: should there be a decrease in cabin pressure, place the oxygen mask over yourself first, and then secure that of your child.

We must first bring ourselves to the level of success so that we can affect change for others. But we will never get there if we insist on using other people’s lives as our excuse not to.

One person’s elevation creates possibilities for the rest of us, if not by example, by influence.

Oprah, in her response to the declining economy, called a Billionaires Summit. In a closed door meeting in NY, a few months ago, some of the richest men and Oprah (she was the only woman) met to talk about philanthropic foundations and which charities they would give to. She used her success to make a difference.

We all have that level of influence within us. It may not be the Billionaires Summit. It may be contributing our success or talents at the PTA meeting, or the Neighborhood Watch Group, or the Environmental Protection Agency, or the Commission for the Arts Council. Or it may be using our sphere of influence raising our children to be kind and tolerant and responsible.

I do not agree that everyone wants to be the next Wayne Dyer or Suze Orman. There is a female executive somewhere whose true desire is to give up the 60 hour work week to bake cookies with her children, participate in their Girl Scout meeting, host slumber parties in her home and watch her kids grow up. And her following this desire would be the right path for her—and an example to let other parents know that they can be full time mothers and still be strong, powerful women.

Or there is the couple who wants to give up all their worldly possessions and travel by backpack around the world.

Or there is the environmentalist who wants to work at a landfill and discover new and more efficient ways of refuse disposal.

Our job is not to judge one desire or goal as more or less important or worthy than another. Our job is to give life to the potential or seedling of desire we have within us and maximize it as best we can.

I am not going to say this is easy. It is much easier to throw ourselves into another person’s cause, crusade or success than to take the steps towards our own. Resistance is strong when it comes to our own expression. I know—I’m guilty of succumbing to it, myself. But we always know when we’re doing it.  And we have to come back to ourselves.

Years ago, I placed an ad on craigslist seeking to interview successful business owners. I wanted to hear their strategy and in exchange I would buy them a cup of coffee or a meal. One business owner I met with owned three Jamba Juice franchises in the Oakland area. His advice was to follow your dreams and believe in yourself.

To illustrate this, he told me a story about a woman who would come into his juice bar every day and talk to him about the book she was writing. She told him that one day she would be a very successful author and people would know who she was. The woman? Suze Orman.

Turns out, before Suze Orman was Suze Orman, she was just a woman in a juice bar who envisioned becoming Suze Orman.

Don’t squander the thing within you that is trying to emerge. Instead, fan the flame. Find out what it’s all about. Discover yourself.

And do not use another person’s suffering as your excuse not to thrive. There is enough lack, pain and limitation being covered on the news. We are all part of what I consider a cosmic teeter-totter; and we need to tip the scales, energetically, the other way.

Even if in that small way is simply living up to our full potential. Or forgiving our neighbor. Or spending time in our garden to listen to the birds sing. Giving thanks.

Want to contribute a post? Read our submission guidelines then drop us a line at email @ tinybuddha.com.

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by Rachel Whalley

“I am not what happens to me. I choose who I become.” ~Carl Jung

Recently I experienced a big shock—the kind that most of us don’t encounter very often.

I was with a friend when I discovered evidence of a physical disaster near my home. I did not, at that time, know any of the details, nor did I know what kind of impact it might have on my own life.

Now, normally, I am a person who likes, even needs, to process my emotional impact verbally. In other words, I really like to talk things out. (What else would you expect from a professional therapist, right?)

But in this circumstance, I found myself unwilling to talk about my inner workings at all. My friend who was with me was even a little frustrated. She couldn’t understand why I shut down. I didn’t even know, myself.

So What Happened?

Later though, as I recovered from the feeling of shock, and that first big emotional wallop, I had some insight into my own process.

Usually, I am pretty grounded. I know how I feel pretty quickly, and I’m agile and adaptable, able to examine my shifting thoughts and feelings within a few minutes.

When something like that shock hits me, though, I don’t know how I feel. I hear lots of my inner parts giving all different kinds of feelings and ideas. I can feel my Core Self listening to them, kind of like a trained cop handling tens of panicky witnesses.

And I discovered that the reason I didn’t want to talk about these thoughts and feelings as they came up was because I didn’t want to commit to any of them. I could have explored any one of those thoughts and followed it down the rabbit hole, getting worked up about a particular story.

In that vulnerable state where I still wasn’t grounded enough to know what I believed, I sent up my boundaries so that I could calm the riotous crowd inside me until I knew what thoughts and emotion I decided to allow to fully exist.

How Did I Do That?

This may sound like some kind of zen mentalist magic, but the truth is that anyone can learn to do this.

In her book Emotional Alchemy, author Tara Bennett-Goleman talks about “the very latest research in neuroscience–including the neurological ‘magic quarter second,’ during which it is possible for a thought to be ‘caught’ before it turns into an emotional reaction.”

It’s so much easier to nip a feeling in the bud, before it really takes root and spreads throughout my system and I have to go digging up the entire weedy garden.

Dr. Carl Jung knew, more than fifty years ago, that such mindfulness was possible. I’m so grateful to live in an age where the tools to achieve it are so readily available, so that each of us who wishes to can achieve true peace.

Interested in contributing? Read our submission guidelines and drop us a line at email @ tinybuddha.com.

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by Lori Deschene

“Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you respond to it.” -Charles Swindoll

One day everything seems great in your world; maybe not perfect, but overall things are going to plan. And then something happens.

You lose your job. Or someone you love. Or your home. Or maybe even your health.

It isn’t fair. You don’t deserve it. You didn’t see it coming. You didn’t plan for it. You have so many feelings and frustrations you don’t know what to do first–or if you want to do anything at all.

It would be easier to sit around feeling bad. Looking for people to blame and complain to. Rehashing what you could have done to make things happen differently. Or what you would have done if you only realized before. Or what other people should have done to help you.

All great options if you want to maximize your misery and feel justified in doing it. Not so great if what you want is to deal and move on.

You have to do this eventually when something bad happens; and the faster you do it, the sooner you’ll improve your situation.

There is no shortage of opportunities to practice dealing well. If you’d like to work on improving the 90% of life that is how you respond, you may find these tips helpful:

1. Make acceptance an immediate priority.

Dealing with a bad situation can be a lot like dealing with grief–and people often go through the same stages: shock and denial, pain and guilt, anger and bargaining, and so on.

You might not be able to fully squelch your emotions; but you can decide to accept what’s happened, regardless of how you feel about it. The sooner you accept it, the sooner you can act from where you are–which is the only way to change how you feel.

It’s like the quote from a recent post on getting started when you don’t feel ready: “Don’t wait for your feelings to change to take action. Take the action and your feelings will change.”

2. Remove fair from your vocabulary.

As kids we’re all about fair. “He took my train–it’s not fair.” “You said you’d buy me a new bike–it’s not fair!” “I had that crayon first–it’s not fair.”

You’d think we’d learn early on that life isn’t fair; but instead we cling to how we think things should be. Hard work should be rewarded. Kindness should be reciprocated. When things don’t work out that way, we feel angry at the world and bad for ourselves.

Feeling outraged about life’s injustices won’t change the fact that things are often random and beyond your control. When you start going on an unfair spiral, remind yourself, “It is what it is.” And then choose a reaction that aligns with the way you’d like the world to be.

3. Focus on the life lesson.

In Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff, Richard Carlson recommends pretending that everyone is enlightened but you–that everyone you meet is here to teach you something.

In this way, you’ll see someone who annoys or frustrates you as an opportunity to work on your patience. This same mindset can help improve the way you interpret and respond to events in your life.

If you lost your job, perhaps the life lesson is to determine your true purpose. If your relationship falls apart, the life lesson may be to become more independent. Focusing on the lesson allows you to work on positive change, which will make you feel empowered instead of deflated.

4. Question whether it’s as big a problem as it seems.

We often turn minor upsets into huge catastrophes in our minds. Little in life is as horrible as it appears to be at first. Some things are challenging–like losing your job, your home, or worse, someone you love. But most situations can be solved.

Sometimes they’re even blessings in disguise. Barbara Rommer, M.D., interviewed 300 people who’d had near-death experiences. The majority of her subjects experienced spiritual awakenings, proving that what didn’t kill them only made them stronger.

Whatever you’re dealing with, is it really the end of the world? And more importantly, if you bounced back with an even better situation–a higher paying job, or a more satisfying relationship–how impressed would you be with yourself?

5. Make “Get strong” your mantra.

You may think Kanye West doesn’t have a place in tinybuddha world, but the dude got one thing right: “N-n-now that which don’t kill me can only make me stronger.”

This idea has saved me many times over. At 21 I spent four months hospitalized with a serious illness, and missed my college graduation. So much felt unfair about how it all panned out.

Then I remembered what my friend Rich had told me: “I know you feel powerless right now, but you’re going to rock the world when you get strong.” Whenever I deal with adversity, I remind myself to keep rocking.

6. Remember you can continue from this new place.

It’s easy to get attached to the road you’re on, especially if it makes you happy. When something or someone throws you off, you may feel disconnected from who you want to be or what you want to do in life.

It may help to remember a hurdle doesn’t have to obliterate your plans. Even if you lose your job, you can still pursue your professional goals–and maybe even more efficiently.

There is always more than one way to skin a cat. The sooner you focus on finding a new way, the sooner you’ll turn a bad thing good.

7. Ask yourself how someone you respect would handle the situation.

I recently put my heart into a blogging competition. I had to get votes from the public to win; and I ran a huge campaign to accomplish that. I ended in second place with just over 57,000 votes.

When I didn’t win, I felt disappointed and even a little embarrassed. I’d failed in front of thousands of people.  My best wasn’t good enough.

So I asked myself how someone with integrity would handle the situation. The answer: she’d congratulate the winner. Identify everything she learned from the experience. And move on to the next goal with her head held high. Acting on that advice made me feel proud of myself instead of disappointed.

***

People will remember the things you accomplish, but the way you handle life’s challenges can affect them just as strongly. Life happens, and it isn’t always easy. You can bemoan it and fight it, or see dealing with life’s challenges as the most important challenge of all.

You can’t always get what you want; but you can work at being who you want to be no matter what life throws at you.

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by Sonya Derian

“Don’t wait for your feelings to change to take the action. Take the action and your feelings will change.” ~Barbara Baron

A few months ago, I challenged myself with Adventure Boot Camp. I thought, “What would be more challenging than waking up at five in the morning and working out with a group of ladies for an hour, four days a week?”

And I have to say, it was tough! I couldn’t walk for 3 days.

But as the days progressed and my muscles acclimated, it occurred to me: I’m someone who can roll out of bed at 5 AM and within a half hour, lift 8-pound weights over my head while jogging a track. I didn’t know that I could do that!

That’s the thing about taking an action. You don’t know that you can do it until you do it. And then you become someone who does it.

That’s how we grow into new lives.   

How often do you stop yourself from doing something, waiting for something else to change before you move forward? You think you need to wait until you’re more prepared, knowledgeable, financially savvy, confident, secure—or insert excuse—to take the action. But then you never get to that place and never take the action. Then 5 years pass and you’re still talking about it, feeling “not ready yet.”

Sound right?

Maybe you feel a sense of urgency to step out, own your power and live our out loud, but aren’t sure what your purpose or path is. So you stop yourself because of the feelings you might confront. It’s easier if you know what you’re doing first. That lets you feel more confident moving forward. Like you won’t make a fool or yourself. Like what you’re doing is “right.”

But what if there’s never that guarantee? What if the only way to find out is by doing it? What if the only way to gain confidence is to do the thing we you’re not yet confident enough to do? What if the only way to gain knowledge is to jump in and find out what you need to learn? What if the only way to get more prepared is to prepare as much as possible, and then learn the rest as you go?

There is always something in us that knows and knows that it knows. We have an inner compass that knows the way. The only way to get feedback from this knowing is through being engaged. Not in our head. Not in our mind. Not in theory but in action. In real time.  

It’s like that game we played as kids. Someone hides something, and you go looking for it, waiting to hear “hotter” or “colder” or  maybe even “boiling hot!” as you move. Those little pieces of guidance help you figure out whether you’re getting close or not.

The only way to find that item is to start looking not. You can sit around and plan, waiting for the stars to align just right. But you won’t get any feedback until you actually start moving and looking.  

Your inner compass does the same. It will always give you feedback on what you need to know, what you need to do differently, what you need to do next—as long as you get out of your head and get moving.

Whatever it is you want to do, it starts with getting out of your comfort zone. You’re not one small person waiting to create big change. You’re a powerful person wanting to create small change. You have tremendous power to create in this world; but just like the energy vortex that exists behind an outlet, that power is useless until you plug it in.

Plug it in.

Sign up for that class. Make the call. Face your taxes. Put up that website, even if it’s not perfect. Pay for the membership—just get on board. Have the difficult conversation. Place the ad. Send off the resume. Go to that networking event. Make the introduction. Get your book-keeping in order. Dust off the manuscript. Distribute the flyer. Get rid of the clutter. Go on that date. Take the trip. Call the publisher. Make the collection call. Ask for the raise. Publish the article. Make the speech. Take the test. Schedule the visit. Call the creditors. Fill in the blank—it’s yours to determine.

Do that thing you’ve been putting off. Don’t wait for your feelings to change to take the action. Just take the action and see how your feelings change.

And remember: you are not doing this for the outcome, although there will be an outcome. You are doing this because you are the creator in your life and you have decided that now is as good a time as any to jump in.

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Interested in contributing to our blog? Email your submission to email @ tinybuddha.com.

by Nadia Ballas-Ruta

“An obstacle may be either a stepping stone or a stumbling block.” ~Unknown

The first twenty some years of my life were rooted in intense emotional pain. My childhood was filled with one painful event after another. I grew up in a neighborhood where I was the first ethnic kid and to make matters even more complicated, I had a birth defect that made my head look like it was on crooked. This only brought more ridicule and torment from fellow classmates.

When I was nine, my birth defect was corrected and for the first time in my young life, I looked normal. However, my soul was scarred by all the humiliation and pain that I experienced. In my eyes, I was a victim and deep in my heart, I truly felt that I had done something wrong to garner such painful experiences.

Wasn’t childhood supposed to be all fun and games? Maybe for most children but not for me. My teenage years were somewhat better to some small degree but there were some very painful experiences in that period too.

By age twenty, I was a miserable human being. I wore my pain as if it were a burden on my back. The baggage of all the tears and suffering felt like a ton. Ironically, despite all the misery, somewhere deep in my heart I knew that things would eventually get better. All that kept me going was hope.

However, despite the hope, I looked at my mistakes and failures with shame. I felt so horrible for all the bad things that happened. For some reason, I blamed myself for all the agony I had endured. That was until I read A Return to Love by Marianne Williamson.

In that book, she wrote about how nothing in life happens by accident. All the things that we experience happen for a reason. We may not see that reason at the moment but there is a hidden purpose in any given situation. With that philosophy in mind, we can recognize that each situation is a blessing in disguise.

That book turned my life around and for the first time, I was able to look at my past and see the beauty in all that suffering. It would take me another ten years to make my peace with it but at that moment, I let go of all the self-blame.

The minute I made that decision, all the weight that I had been carrying disappeared in an instant. I felt that I could breathe and with that new found freedom, I was able to see my past with greater compassion and wisdom.

I realized that my painful past was really a blessing in so many ways. It made me compassionate. It made me develop my creative abilities and so many other wonderful things. Ironically, I may not have had a childhood as a child but I have one now and that is awesome in my mind.

So much of life boils down to how you deal with what you have. You have the choice to take the lemons that life throws you and turn them into lemon meringue pie or you can lament the situation and be paralyzed by it.

In Buddhism, one of the main concepts is the idea of the Four Noble Truths. The first Noble Truth is that there is pain and suffering in life. No one is immune to that truth. We all have had experiences that created feelings of misery. That is part of life for that is how we grow. There is no need to lament the reality of this fact. Complaining about your pain will not change the pain or make it go away. If anything, all that does is keep you stuck in it.

It would be wonderful if we grew only through joyous experiences but we usually don’t. The greatest learning occurs when we are faced with an obstacle. Actually, if it were not for the resistance of obstacles, many people would not make an effort to get better.

Of course, this is all easier said than done but it is doable. The next time you are confronted with something that has the illusion of being an obstacle, simply just realize that that obstacle is not the boss of you. You are the boss of it and view it as being a stone in the right direction. For one of the many beautiful things about being brought down to the ground is the realization that there is only one direction to go, and that is up.

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