tinybuddha.com

by Melodi Cowan

“What you are is what you have been. What you’ll be is what you do now.” ~Buddha

A teacher of mine once said, “Don’t show up as the person you think you are. Show up as the person you want to be.”

A powerful statement, but I didn’t know who I wanted to be. Even if I did, I wasn’t sure if I could pull it off.

I knew who I didn’t want to be: self-critical, self-conscious and always focusing on my shortcomings. I wanted to learn how to get out of my own way.

For a long time, I thought improving my external situation by becoming richer, thinner, and smarter meant that I was learning. Not to say that accomplishing those things isn’t learning. However, in that cycle I wasn’t learning, but repeating the same story.

I kept trying to get from A to Z by pushing myself and always expected my results to meet my expectations. And the vicious cycle continued. I thought I’m not good enough; I’m pathetic and I’ll never get it right.

Ironically, my desire to learn continued to work against me.

It only brought me further from what I wanted. I now realize how necessary it was for me to relinquish control and create space for something other than my neurosis.

Today, I’m learning about integral awareness—taking in information on all levels, mind, body and spirit. Not resisting, not expecting, not judging, but allowing; removing previous ideas about who I am. I have come to realize that true learning is unlearning.

Another word I associate with learning is deprogramming.

In other words, one must begin by emptying one’s cup.

Bruce Lee once said, “Empty your cup so that it may be filled; become devoid to gain totality.” By emptying my cup, I am making room for new experiences in my life instead of allowing myself to repeat toxic patterns.

In the process of unlearning and letting go, I have experienced some dramatic changes in several areas:

1. My relationships have become healthier.

In the past, I measured the success of my relationships by how well I could control their outcomes. I was often distraught because I continued to attract uncooperative, uncaring and unsupportive situations.

These days, if I attract someone who doesn’t want to operate from an open, supportive and compassionate place then I am okay with letting it fall away. I am learning to walk away, loosen my grip, and look within to understand my experience of what took place.

I recognize that I cannot look to others to heal what is broken in me. I acknowledge that I have the power to heal myself—to shift my awareness.

I push myself to stop complaining and get to work. My new mantra: the victim reacts; the warrior responds. The ego judges; the spirit absolves.

2. My relationship to my body is also experiencing a shift.

By delving deeper into meditation and other mind-body therapies I’ve developed a healthier relationship with body. Previously, I was caught up in my appearance but not so concerned with the negative emotions and toxic substances I was stuffing myself with.

I kept telling myself, “If I look good now, I can just deal with the other stuff later.” Operating this way, I wasn’t in touch with my body. I had to unlearn a completely unhealthy approach, dominated by a feeling of separateness from everyone and everything around me.

3. I notice beauty in things I used to take for granted.

A recent experience that stood out was during a mural walk in San Francisco. I’ll never forget standing there in awe of the Mission District. I drank in the colors, symbolism, beauty, vastness and sacredness of the images.

Connecting to what was actually going on around me I had a deeper experience of sounds, smells, feelings, and even sensations in my body. I silenced my mind, and was rewarded with the ecstatic merging of my inner self and the outer world.

Feet on Ground. Smile on face. Gratitude. Bliss. Peace. Sounds. Sensations. Light and Energy. No purchase necessary. I was truly alive, breathing, in the moment, a drug-free heightened state of awareness. Something a lot easier to achieve than I realized.

4. Writing is no longer a huge source of anxiety.

If “it’s the silence between the notes that makes the music” then it’s pretty much the same with writing. Until recently, I had a difficult relationship with writing. I had so much to say, but lacked the self-worth to actually sit down and get it on paper.

I’m no longer attached to the end result, and I actually enjoy the process. Having “unlearned” my original anxiety-driven approach has provided me with a sense of freedom and movement in my writing.

I am learning how to bring together disparate elements and expertly fuse them into a polished stone. The fear and anxiety isn’t as strong. I’m opening up to exploration and possibilities; thus, leaving my former toxic relationship with words by the wayside.

5. I am finally greeting myself at my own door.

No longer so concerned with the person I want to be, my true self is being revealed through the unlearning and removal of what no longer serves me. I am emptying my cup of fear, doubt and frustration, and am finally looking forward to raising a toast to life.

by Sonya Derian

A couple weeks ago, I was talking to a friend of mine. I was telling her how I always know when it’s time for me to move. She asked me, “How do you know? What makes you aware that you ‘know’ this?”

It was a reasonable question: What is the actual sign that indicates that you “know” to do anything?

“You just know,” I told her.

“But how?” she was curious.

I didn’t really have a good answer for her at the time, but it stuck with me.

After thinking about it for awhile, I realized it’s not in the ”knowing” that we get stuck. We always know. It is in how well we trust what we know, and whether we’re willing to trust it enough to act upon it.

So, how do you know that you “know” something?

Well let me ask you this: How did you know that you were going to marry the person you married, or take the job you were offered, or go see the new doctor you read about?

What made you decide that this was the right decision for you? What made you “know” that the house you bought was the right one for you, or the apartment you chose to rent was the perfect spot for you?

It’s intangible, isn’t it? It’s a feeling. You know, and then you “know” that you know.

Or, how do you know when it’s time to end a relationship? Or when it’s time to move on from a friendship that is no longer serving you? Even if it’s been one you’ve been with for a long time?

I’m going to say it: usually, you know.

Most often, it’s not the “knowing” that is the case. It’s the trusting.

Trusting that our assessment is accurate, that our feelings are valid, that our observations are not all in our head. Trusting that we know what is true for us.

And then trusting that we have enough courage to take action on what we know.

We often doubt ourselves. We wonder “What if I’m wrong? What if something better doesn’t come along? What if it’s not the right time? What if…?”

So, what to do?

My feeling about it is this: we always know what is going on with us. But fear has the opportunity to creep in when we second guess ourselves.

So, when I get stuck in a particular situation, I always ask myself this question:

“I know what I don’t know. But what is it that I do know?”

And then I usually go into a litany of what I actually know, either because circumstances have proved it in the past, or because of a logical conclusion:

I know that I can never make a wrong decision because I can always “right” my decision down the line. I know that this is an opportunity that is presenting itself now which means on some level I am ready for it.

I know that I can try it out for awhile and see what it’s like. I know that I can always change my mind if I want to. I know that in making a decision, I will propel movement, either way, and change is good. I know that things always work out for me, regardless of what happens. The list goes on and on.

There are a few things we know. Always. And we can stand by them.

So, what is it that stops us, really, from trusting ourselves?

That we’ve made wrong decisions in the past? That some of our decisions have caused us pain or misfortune and we are afraid of our judgment? That we don’t know what the outcome will be and so if we can’t predict it, why risk it?

What is it?

Because even these argument we can dispel. We are a result of all we have lived. Every experience we’ve had contributes to the people we are today. And this is not all bad. We stand at the precipice of new beginnings, right now. Life is full of second chances.

So the question is not if we’ve made poor decisions in the past. Undoubtedly, all of us have!

The question is: how willing we are to get up to the plate and swing again? Make a new decision, have a new experience, try something new.

Trusting yourself is a practice but you can’t get the practice if you don’t start somewhere. How is it that you gain trust of anyone in your life?  Time. Watching whether they do what they say they’re going to do. Consistency. Faith.

So, start with yourself. Build the kind of trust in yourself that you would want in a good friend. Make a decision, stick to it. See what happens.

Someone once pointed it out to me that choices are “strategies”. They’re not right or wrong, good or bad. They simply either work or don’t for the time being.

And when they don’t, you can always choose a new “strategy”.

In either case, it starts with us. Are we willing to take the bet on ourselves that we “know”—that it’s time, or that it’s ours, or that we need to take the risk and just go for it?

That’s what it takes.

Trust in our truth. Faith in ourselves. And a little bit of surrender.

by Lori Deschene

“Let yourself be silently drawn by the stronger pull of what you really love.” ~Rumi

I have been working on Tiny Buddha for over two years, and yet I’ve rarely written about my experiences running it.

I haven’t told you anything about my own challenges, opportunities, and lessons and it occurred to me today that that might be valuable information.

You probably have a Tiny Buddha in your own life—something you created that you’re absolutely in love with. Or maybe you haven’t found it yet, but you want to build something that drives you like nothing else.

Tiny Buddha has been that for me, and I’d like to share with you a few of the most valuable lessons I’ve learned along the way:

1. The past got you to where you are—so every step was valuable.

At times I’ve looked back and wondered if perhaps I made mistakes in this journey. For instance, I did everything anonymously until earlier this year.

Tiny Buddha was originally just a daily quote on Twitter. I was hesitant to put my name there because it’s never been about me. It’s about ideas that relate to all of our lives, regardless of our age, background, geography or even religious affiliation.

It seemed to make sense to go into this site the same way. I didn’t want my perspective to be the foundation with guest contributors lending occasional support. I wanted the community to be the foundation, with my voice a part of the collective.

In deciding early on to put the focus on the community, I forgot that you can’t build a community unless you’re willing to be part of it.

When I think about the types of interactions I am having with people about Tiny Buddha today, I sometimes wonder how amazing it could have been to have facilitated that sooner. Then I remember: today wouldn’t be happening without yesterday, and I can only enjoy today fully if let go of ideas about the past.

I needed to be where I was in each place before I could get to the next step.

We’re always looking for the fast-track in life—for the bigger better thing as soon as possible. The learning takes place in the small things, in their own time as they need to unravel.

2. Criticism means whatever you make it.

Since there was no context for the posts on the site—no sense of who was running it or why—people didn’t take to it right away.

Another issue was that they had grown accustomed to seeing just one daily quote in their Twitter feed. When links started popping up on the stream, quite a few strongly worded emails came in.

“You’re ruining Tiny Buddha,” one read.

Another reader chimed in “You better stop or I won’t follow anymore—and my girlfriend agrees you’re destroying a good thing.”

I received several of these emails in the first month, and I have to admit I took them to heart.  I wondered what I could have done to build a better site. I wondered if those people were a small sampling of popular opinion. I wondered if they were a sign I should leave Tiny Buddha to the Twitterverse.

Then I realized something: I was creating an awful lot of drama in my head for someone writing about wisdom. So what if I received a few emails from people resistant to change? I had something good to do, and there were other people out there who enjoyed it.

It isn’t the criticism we receive that brings us down; it’s what we decide that criticism means. It rarely means we’re failures or we should change directions. Sometimes it means there’s more to learn. Sometimes it means you need a thicker skin. Most of the time, it’s both.

3. Happiness is when the experience means as much if not more than the outcome.

Research shows that setting goals can lead to happiness. It gives you a sense of empowerment and pride, and hopefully you feel fulfilled in the process of striving. That hasn’t always been the case for me.

Before starting Tiny Buddha, all my goals were about escaping my present to find some magic future where I’d be happy. It wasn’t about the experience of the journey; it was about something down the line that I felt like I needed. My goals were more about fixing my life than enhancing it. It’s a little different now.

What I do here is simple and yet it matters to me deeply.

I love editing and publishing the contributions writers submit. I love how much they enjoy the experience of posting, and how different voices resonate with different readers. I love reflecting on the lessons I’ve learned and recycling them into posts. Every part of running the site and social networking pages gives me a deep sense of purpose and gratitude.

I still have dreams, but I don’t feel like my life is lacking. Even though I’m not making a lot of money right now, I don’t feel that my happiness depends on getting somewhere else.

When you’re less attached to future outcomes you’re not only less devastated by deviations from your plan; you’re also more open to possibilities. Best of all, you’re more open to joy in the present.

4. Passion is the best motivation.

Before I started Tiny Buddha, I didn’t follow through with much in life.

I have always been a resourceful person—part of the gypsy, run-from-reality existence that defined my younger years. I can pretty easily find places to live, ways to get by, and jobs to keep me afloat.

In the past three years alone I have lived in seven apartments and have held a total of eight jobs. Like I wrote before in 25 Little Changes to Make the Day More Exciting, I sometimes have a hard time sticking with things after the original novelty wears off.

Yet I have written something for this website every week day for the past year. Without fail, I have opened my laptop every evening to write about the next day’s daily quote. I’ve spent countless hours writing blog posts and collecting and editing submissions from other writers.

With everything else I’ve done, I’ve always wondered when I might move on, but with Tiny Buddha, it’s become like breathing. I think there’s something to be said for doing something that feels like home. When you love what you’re doing, it’s easy to sustain momentum.

People always tell you to follow your bliss, but that can be a confusing proposition. There’s a lot to love in life, and we have an overwhelming number of choices to make personally and professionally. The best you can do is jump in with both feet and watch how it feels in your mind and body. You might not always know when it’s wrong, but it’s pretty hard to ignore when it’s right.

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I know that happiness is an inside job, not dependent on external things. I also know we all have boundless positive energy looking for a way to be channeled. Everyone needs something that gives them an outlet for creativity, curiosity, purpose and fun.

But sometimes we put a world of pressure on those outlets. We analyze every step we take; obsess about other people’s opinions; and get caught up pushing from one stage to the next, wondering where it’s all leading—or if it’s leading anywhere at all.

All we’re guaranteed is the experience of today, living in that place we’ve created. I say lets live there out loud. Love it, talk about it, share it with so much enthusiasm it’s infectious to everyone around us.

Infect me—what’s your passion project? And what have you learned through the journey?

Read more about me on the About page, in the FAQs, on lorideschene.com, or on Twitter @lori_deschene. If you enjoy the site, please support Tiny Buddha! You can also submit a post to email @ tinybuddha.com.

by Alexis Montgomery

“Don’t be pushed by your problems. Be led by your dreams.” ~Unknown

In college, you had your whole life planned out.

You’d earn your degree in psychology, go on to a master’s program, and in no time, you’d be running your own private practice—earning a tidy living while helping others to become healthy, functioning individuals.

Or maybe you thought a degree in filmmaking would springboard you to fame as the next big documentarian, tackling the cause of the little man to overwhelming acclaim.

Whatever your big dreams in college, you’ve no doubt realized that the world presents some limitations when it comes to reaching them.  So how do you deal with life in the real world while continuing to work toward your dreams?

1. Have a plan.

This is easier said than done, but if you want to realize your career goals, you really need to lay out a step-by-step plan of action.

Don’t know how to get into the music biz?  Start by taking an internship and work your way up.  Interested in running your own green technology company?  See what’s already out there and then pick up some literature about finding your niche and forming a business plan.  Talk to a loan officer at your bank to find out the steps necessary to attain a business loan.

There are many paths to reach your goals, but you may have to work to find them.

2. Be flexible.

Even a good plan may not get you where you want to go.  Or once you get there, you might decide it’s not what you wanted after all.  It’s okay.  Apparently, the happiest people change their career path at least five times in their adult life.

Let’s face it, even a fun and fulfilling occupation can get repetitive.  And more likely than not, you have a wide variety of talents and interests that will continue to expand throughout your adult life.  Don’t be afraid to explore them.  You never know which one could become your next option for employment.

3. Listen to the experts.

You don’t know everything and neither does anyone else, but there are certainly people who have more knowledge and experience than you.  Finding the right person to mentor you on your career path can make a big difference in how well you perform and how fast you progress.

It used to be that young people would apprentice to learn their trade.  While that is rarely done today, you can often find people in your chosen profession who have been around for awhile and would be happy to teach you the tricks of the trade. Don’t let a golden opportunity pass you by.

4. Learn to budget.

If you haven’t yet learned to set a budget for yourself, there’s no time like the present! You’ll be far better equipped to pursue your dreams if you aren’t stressed and overwhelmed by bills.  You can talk to a financial planner, but why not start saving now by looking online for some budgeting tips (for free)?

There are all kinds of websites that offer comprehensive budget plans, but the basics include calculating what you earn and comparing it to what you spend.  This seems pretty basic, but there are a lot of people who get their paycheck only to watch every last penny go to bills.  A smart budget will help you save for the future.

5. Don’t fall prey to the money trap.

It’s easy to get stuck in a job that pays the bills.  You get comfortable in your cubicle and suddenly it seems like too much work to go back to school for your master’s degree.  And why struggle to launch your art career when web design affords you a nice apartment and spending cash?

All of us have been there, but it won’t be long before you become supremely dissatisfied with your day job if it isn’t where your heart is.  By all means, earn a stable living, but don’t let your loftier goals fall by the wayside.  Complacency will get you nowhere near achieving your ambitions.

6. Don’t let the man get you down.

There are plenty of people out there who will tell you your goals are worthless or unattainable.  Adults are always finding ways to say no.  So look to your inner child, who knows that anything is possible, for inspiration.

With perseverance and a plan, you can reach your goals—don’t let anyone tell you different.  Block out the negativity and focus on what you can reasonably do to keep yourself on track.  If all else fails, think of how silly those nay-sayers will feel when you accept your Grammy award.

7. Find balance.

Work isn’t everything!  Sure, you have to pay your dues when you’re the new kid on the block, but don’t make it a habit.  All work and no play is a recipe for burnout, so make sure you draw a line when it comes to overtime and extra work.

If you’re lucky, you’re career will involve an activity that allows you to come home at night with a sense of satisfaction. But honestly, that won’t always be the case.

Ultimately, you work to ensure financial stability.  But if you don’t leave yourself any time to enjoy the fruits of your labor, what’s the point?

Becoming an adult is not some magical transformation that happens overnight.  You don’t just wake up one day with a house, a wife, 2.5 kids, and gainful employment.

Part of being responsible for yourself is taking control of your life rather than letting others dictate your path. Don’t be afraid to stick to your guns.  Be proactive, know your options, and find a way to fit in some fun for yourself.  Only you can make your goals materialize—so get started!

Lori’s Shout Out: Today is the launch day for You Cannot Be Serious: and 32 Other Rules that Sustain a (Mostly Balanced) Mom! Look for my review in upcoming weeks, or buy today on Amazon to receive countless bonus gifts.

by Maelina Frattaroli & Lori Deschene

“If you propose to speak, always ask yourself, is it true, is it necessary, is it kind” ~Buddha

Nothing appears to be going right. The worst part? No one gets it, even though they might claim to.

Even though you know this is all temporary–it always is–you feel the need to ask other people what you should do. If they say what you want to hear, you’re relieved. But it doesn’t usually work that way. In fact, oftentimes you’re more frustrated than you were before once they put their two cents in.

We’ve all been there before.

Think back real hard—what in particular helped or irked you about advice people gave you? Did they say you should have done something differently (which wasn’t very useful after the fact)?

Did they tell you to stop feeling sorry for yourself because other people have bigger problems? Did they offer some platitudes or cliche advice that sounded impossible to follow?

When friends have problems that seem incurable and never-ending, you can sense that hopelessness. And you want to fix it, which always seems so simple when you’re sitting on the outside.

Oftentimes, you’re not sure what to say because you don’t feel qualified to give advice but you feel compelled to say something. But it always looks different when you’re inside the mess than it is when you’re standing on the sidelines.

And even if other people have much larger problems, we still dwell on our own because what matters, in that moment, is how we feel.

Sometimes, you just have to accept the fact that you can’t, at least not instantly, help someone when they’re in a fragile state. That’s OK. Most of the time when someone comes to you, they’re not expecting you to have all the answers or even talk.

They just want someone to lend an ear and be by their side through a difficult time.

Realizing this is key to delivering good advice. It isn’t always composed of words and answers. Here’s how you can be helpful to a person in their darkest of times:

1. Advise with permission.

When you care about someone, and think you know how to improve their situation, it’s tempting to play amateur psychiatrist–especially if you’ve been there before. If you’ve ever been on the couch-end of this scenario, you know it can be frustrating.

If you feel the need to offer unsolicited advice, ask them, “Do you want some ideas to improve the situation?” This way they have the option to say no; and they’ll likely give you more attention when they’ve agreed to take your help.

2. Give them a rant window.

Oftentimes when people ask for advice, what they really want is to rehash something they can’t get off their mind–something they’ve probably talked about repeatedly to lots of different people (maybe even anyone who’d listen).

The best way to be a friend is to enable both what they want to do and what they need to do. Want: tell the story repeatedly, as if they can change how they feel if they just talk about it enough. Need: work through it and let it go. Tell them you’re there to listen to everything they need to say. Once they’ve gotten all out, you’d love to help them move on.

3. Be honest.

If you don’t know how someone feels, you can’t truthfully say, “I know how you feel.” That’s OK. You can likely still empathize on some level. Let them know, gently, that you haven’t been there before, but you’ll try to put yourself in their shoes to help as best you can.

Also, don’t be afraid to let them know you don’t have anything to say. You can still be an ear, take some time to think about it, and then share your thoughts later.

4. Avoid judging.

When someone comes to you for help, odds are they already feel pretty vulnerable. They’re trusting you to hear them out without being judgmental or condescending.

Rather than beginning your advice with, “You should have,” or “Why didn’t you…?” realize what’s done is done, and focus on what they can do or change right now. Try something like, “It might help to consider….” Then, offer your support along the path.

5. Make it a collaboration.

It can feel gratifying to figure out what seems like the answer, and then deliver it in a sermon. It’s like being a good advice detective when you figure out exactly what someone should or can do–and you feel even better when you can put it all into words eloquently.

But this can also come off as superiority, which probably isn’t your intention. Try, “I don’t have all the answers, but I’d love to help you figure out what’s right for you.” Whenever you’ve talked for a few minutes, bring it back to them. “What are your thoughts about that?”

6. Offer long-term support.

Your sister doesn’t want just a list of ways to break up with her boyfriend; she wants help finding the courage to do it and get through it. Your friend doesn’t just want tips to switch careers; she wants support in making a scary but positive change.

It doesn’t matter so much that you have all the answers. More often that not, people know what’s right for them; they just want to feel validated and supported.

7. Don’t make promises.

Even if you’ve been there before, you can’t guarantee any specific outcome. Your friend could approach her boss exactly like you did for a raise, and end up being demoted–at which point she might blame you.

Keep expectations realistic by focusing on possibilities within the realm of uncertainty. If you tell your sister to take a risk, make sure she knows it is a risk. Help her weigh the possible outcomes, both positive and negative so she can decide if it’s worth the potential reward.

8. Recommend a read.

When you make the proactive decision to find answers for yourself, you feel both empowered and confident in your ability to make the right decision. You can help your friend feel that way by pointing him in the direction of a few books that will help him help himself.

He’ll feel much better himself after gaining a new insight through reading than he will after sitting through a lecture. Start by saying, “I came across something that might help put things in perspective…”

9. Say it from the heart.

Another option is to be there with kindness instead of words. This is a good approach if you’ve already offered advice on the problem, and realize not much you say will help.

Leave a hand-written “thinking of you” card in that person’s mailbox or mail them a package with some sweet treats and light reads. Sometimes people just need to remember their problem isn’t the end of the world, and there are lots of other good things in their life.

10. Make plans.

You’re not the go-to guru for all answers–and you don’t have to be–but you have the power to make other things happen.

Plan a fun weekend getaway or day trip (for the budget-conscious) with your friend. Set the date in stone and make an unforgettable memory. People often find answers for themselves when they get away, let themselves relax, and clear their head for a while.

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You don’t always have to have the right words. Actions speak louder, anyway. But if you do have something to say, know how you say it can make a world of difference.

Want to submit a post? Send it to email @ tinybuddha.com. If you want to collaborate with Lori, send an introduction and 5 tips.

by Sam Russell of Cack-handed

“Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.” ~Unknown

I grew up believing that nothing I did was ever good enough and this is something that I still carry with me.

It affects every aspect of my life: my hobbies, skills, my relationships, and even the understanding I have of my body, physical appearance, and my mental health. I often think that I must have done something quite terrible in a past life to go through any of this, to not be good enough.

As certain as I’ve been of this, I’ve been sure I wasn’t responsible for these attitudes and beliefs. That other people did this to me, so I literally can’t let go of the pain they caused. They hurt me too much–did too much damage for me to confront them, stand up to them, and forgive them.

But blaming others hasn’t helped me move on and become the person I want to be. It’s helped me stay a victim, sure—got me some sympathetic ears along the way—but it hasn’t helped me get out of bed with a smile every morning for the past twenty-odd years. It’s made me feel sluggish and sick to my stomach whenever the thoughts and memories worked their way into my consciousness.

There’s no mystery to the way I think. Negative thinking is exactly that: negative.  However, understanding negative thoughts is paramount to overcoming them.

It’s taken me a while to connect with the idea that the harmful actions of others has shaped my thinking; and it’s taken me just as long to realize that it’s time to let go. Change can come quickly but more often, it’s a gradual process in which we endure and learn many lessons. I don’t want to feel like this anymore so I have to start changing my attitudes.

Attitudes I’m Changing

1. I’m a waste of time. Not true. I make a difference simply by being; and because I’m a strict vegetarian and an environmental and animal welfare campaigner, I know I make a positive difference. My close friends wouldn’t consider me a waste of time. Even though I find it difficult to believe sometimes, they do value my ideas and opinions and they love my company.

2. Nothing that I do is good enough. My ideas of perfection aren’t mine—those ideas belong to other people. How can I ever live up to someone else’s perfection? I can’t. There are many things I can do with great success but in order to make those achievements real for me, I have to define my own perfection: peanut butter on toast, growing my own fruit and vegetables, the smell of freshly baked vegan cookies, writing off the cuff and producing lucid prose.

3. I deserve pain. No I don’t, nobody does. There’s a difference between accepting responsibility for how you think about hurtful things other people have done, and taking the blame for those actions. I’ve not done anything to deserve the things that have happened to me.

4. I’ll never be happy. Not with that attitude I won’t, but then aren’t I already happy? I may not have all the things I want yet, like my dream job, but I do have a lot of other things in my life that mean a lot to me: my friends, my home, my cat, my family, waking up to the river every morning, my floating garden (I live on a boat), my creativity. Happiness comes from the small things—it comes from inside of me. I don’t buy happiness or find it or receive it; I make it, for myself and others.

The fact that people sometimes hurt other people won’t change. My attitudes that have left me open to suffering –my attitudes—will change.

It’s taking time to work through these things and I don’t expect to be finished by next Monday, but that’s what I love about change and self-improvement – there’s no pressure to be complete tomorrow. I can do it all at my own pace, in a way that suits me. I’m a work-in-progress. And that gives me a lot of hope.

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by Jenny Nichols

“The saddest summary of life contains three descriptions: could have, might have, and should have.” ~ Unknown

We all have something stored in our memory banks of the past that we wish we could have done differently, or something we wish we didn’t do.

As we get older we learn and grow. But that doesn’t mean we have to regret what we did before we learned how to do things differently. If we didn’t go through those experiences we might not have grown into the strong and knowledgeable people we are today.

So what I’m proposing is that we get rid of the negative thoughts—the could have’s, might have’s, and should have’s—and start living a life that won’t make us feel regretful. Not even at an older, wiser age.

Here is a list of 40 things you can do to practice living life with no regrets:

1. Realize that it’s okay to make mistakes. Just make sure to learn from your past mistakes, forgive yourself and move on.

2. Make your health and wellness a top priority and always take care of yourself so you’re ready to take care of others.

3. Follow your own path—not one that others want you to follow.

4. Find the humor in life and laugh like there is no tomorrow.

5. Relax and move with the flow of life by being unafraid of change.

6. Be adventurous by trying new things and taking more risks.

7. Have more intellectual curiosity and embrace creativity.

8. Try to find happiness with as many different people as you can.

9. Think for yourself instead of letting other people’s opinions influence you too much.

10.Try not to judge people before you get to know them.

11. Be thankful for what you have now instead of thinking about what you don’t have.

12. Wish well upon everyone equally and try to admire without envy.

13. Share your happiness with others instead of hoarding it all for yourself.

14. Don’t try to change someone—love who they are now.

15. Enjoy the journey, not just the destination.

16. Know that happiness is bigger than any bank account.

17. Control negative thoughts so that they don’t contribute to the outcome of your life.

18. Use your energy wisely because spending energy complaining, worrying or being impatient is just wasted energy.

19. Be bold. Find the courage to change things that should be changed and accept that there are some things that cannot be changed.

20.Love your work. If you don’t currently love what you do, figure out what you would love, and take the first step toward that life.

21.Turn your discontent into a mystery and enjoy trying to solve it.

22. Face problems from different angles in order to find solutions.

23. Gain independence by realizing that on this earth we are all dependent upon each other.

24. Change your perspective by taking on a wider view of things.

25. Don’t waste time trying to bring disagreeable people around to liking you.

26. Become the person you would like to spend the rest of your life with.

27. Be honest with yourself and others by saying what you mean and meaning what you say.

28. Treat people with respect and compassion.

29. Live in the now by loving the present and being aware of your thoughts and actions. Think happy thoughts and speak powerful words.

30.Try not to put things off until later.

31. Never hold grudges.

32. Face your fears head on and try to do the things that you think you cannot do.

33. Spend time with people who make you happy while also not depending on other people for your own happiness.

34. Stand up for yourself and others and don’t let anyone or anything hold you back.

35. Be yourself and love who you are now.

36. Be a participant in life rather than an observer.

37. Do the things that you love to do as much as you can.

38. Write out a list of goals and achieve them by doing them step by step. Don’t give up when things get difficult.

39. Do something every day that makes you feel proud of yourself—commit random acts of kindness whenever you get the chance.

40. And always keep on moving forward.

I know it seems like a rather large list of things to take on, but you can accomplish a lot on this list by doing just one thing. For example, right now as I’m typing this I’m putting into practice at least 18 things.

Put these things into practice and see where life takes you, without regrets. And please comment below. I’d love to read your thoughts on this.

Before you go—one of the things I don’t want to regret is not helping friends when they need me. I’ve recently set up a blog to help a friend of mine who is in a tough situation. I’ve learned that if you are in a position to help someone you should try, and so that’s what I’m doing. Check it out if you want to help, too.

by Maelina Frattaroli

“Tension is who you think you should be. Relaxation is who you are.” ~Proverb

A friend of mine once said, “If there’s a word in the English language I detest, it’s ’should’. What a pointless, useless, waste-of-space (euphemism for other choice adjective) word.”

I think he’s right on the money. At the risk of sounding hypocritical, you should consider the definition of should, as defined by dictionary.com:

Should: must; ought (used to indicate duty, propriety, or expediency): You should not do that.

There is always something we feel we cannot and should not do for fear of humiliation, regret, having to explain ourselves to others, and sometimes to ourselves.

Should is an instrument of regret. Maybe one of these sounds familiar to you:

• I should not have lashed out near the end of my last long-term relationship.
• He should not have been so insensitive or distant; that way I wouldn’t have lashed out.
• I should really get a grip on life; people must think I’m unmotivated and stagnant.
• I shouldn’t contact him so often; he must think I’m annoying or needy.
• I should stop acting upon my emotions because I’ll regret it later.
• I should clearly try harder because my boss doesn’t give me the time of day.

Some of these decisions may not lead to the results you want in life. But does it serve you to tag on a conditional disclaimer to everything you’ve said or done in the past? It does if you want, as F. Scott Fitzgerald once wrote, to “beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past” (The Great Gatsby).

But in the real, modern world—without prohibition, flappers, speakeasies, jazz, and glam—it doesn’t serve you to caveat your life with should if you want to experience life, in the moment, at its fullest.

It’s not easy to remove this seemingly harmless word from your vocabulary because we’re programmed to blame ourselves when things don’t go according to plan or as we hoped they would–as if there’s something wrong with us. It’s almost as though we hold onto should to justify who we actually are: human beings with emotions and flaws.

The truth is, we will continue to occasionally make regretful decisions, lash out when we feel emotion, remain stagnant in unfavorable environments for fear of change, send one too many text messages to unresponsive people, or even lie to remove ourselves from uncomfortable situations. All things we’re programmed to know we shouldn’t do.

I say, we should do all those things (more hypocrisy—just to make a point). We should make mistakes sometimes. Why? Simple: so we can learn from them, and in time, move forward when we know how and why to do things differently. Not just because we should, but because we understand and are equipped to make that change.

I’m on this rocky road to self-discovery in several aspects of my life, and I’m learning to embrace it, even though it’s difficult. Right now, my step is to try and distill all the past “should have/could have/what if/if I had/why didn’t I say/why didn’t he do” line of thinking, and the illogical “if I had, then this would have…” mindset.

It’s time to throw logic out the window—to analyze life less and live it more. I don’t know about you, but I’m ready to think for myself, not under the opinions or reigns of anyone else.

I suspect it won’t be easy. I often stumble without being caught; but the next goal is to learn to catch myself. And if occasionally I don’t, to remember that wise proverb: tension is not who I am.

It’s not who you are either.

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by Lori Deschene

“Open minds lead to open doors.” ~Unknown

We start forming opinions at an early age, and continue all through life.

We decide what we think is right and wrong, what’s good and what’s bad. Not just on a larger scale (our religion, politics, ethics) but also in every-day interactions.

How people should act. What people should think in certain situations. What it’s OK to feel and express, and when it’s smart or polite to do so.

We develop ideas about how the world should be to support our beliefs and views–things we learned from our environment and experiences–and inevitably feel a sense of internal conflict when a person or situation doesn’t fall in line.

They won’t always. In fact, they won’t more often than they will.

Sometimes our opinions have nothing to do with fact, logic or common sense. It’s just a matter of what feels right. What our gut tells us, because our gut’s always right. Isn’t that what we’ve been told? To trust our instincts against all odds? We don’t often stop to consider what educated our gut; when we learned what to trust and what to fear.

That’s usually what it comes down to. What’s familiar and safe and supports our sense of order; versus what’s unknown and unpredictable and reminds us how little we can control.

The reality is there’s very little we can control. No matter how orderly a world we create around us, things will sometimes happen that hurt us. No matter how big a distance we place between ourselves and people we don’t understand, they will affect us directly or indirectly–and likely for the worse if they feel judged.

It’s not realistic to suggest we should all completely abandon the concept of good and bad. In fact, it’s a neurological impossibility. Research actually shows that we use conflicting experiences to form value judgments, and then subconsciously predict situations that may cause us trouble in the future in response to brain activity (in the insula cortex, which helps to process emotions).

It’s instinctive to protect ourselves. The only problem is we sometimes sense danger where there isn’t any there just because we’re scared or don’t understand. And in doing so, we limit ourselves, our experiences, and our impact on the world.

Follow your gut if you feel threatened. But stay open to the possibility there’s something you don’t know. The world’s a far more beautiful place when you see it with eyes that want to understand.

Do happy. It’s something you’re due.

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by Sonia Derian

I write a newsletter every week and last month, a subscriber emailed me with a question I thought was worth exploring.

“… I guess what I’m getting at is if everyone had a choice, treating sewage would be the last thing one would want to do. Isn’t it? Well yes I’m making that judgment. If everyone was Wayne Dyer or that money guru lady Suze Orman, we’d all be reaching fantasy levels of achievement. That is what they seem to be proposing is possible.

But someone still has to take out the trash. If we’re all living big then who’s taking care of the landfills? I guess we could all be having wonderfully luxurious lives but chip in on the dirty stuff sometimes? Like volunteer, or Adopt-A-Highway kind of stuff. Then a boy in Iraq gets his arms and legs blown off and I’m supposed to be like “Yahoo, I’m living big???”….. uh? This is my ‘resistance; isn’t it?… Anyway, there is a topic here. Anything to help me feel better about living big while others suffer…”

It’s a big question: If there are others suffering in the world, what right do I have to think about myself or my lofty goals? What right do I have to consider more for myself when there are others who can’t even feed themselves, literally or figuratively?

I’ll begin with a quote from Marianne Williamson who talks in her book The Age of Miracles about the Butterfly Effect (based in Chaos Theory):

“When a butterfly flaps its wings near the tip of South America, it affects the wind patterns near the North Pole. And the same is true in the realm of consciousness: Every miracle you work in your life is a blessing on life itself.”

There is only one life happening that we are all a part of. If we are all in fact one big interwoven tapestry, then we are all connected. That being said, we can only be responsible for how we conduct our own lives.

By doing for ourselves, we come to a place where we are able to do for others and we change the consciousness of possibility on the planet.

At Obama’s inauguration, there were a lot of people being interviewed on the Plaza. One that struck me was an African American father. When asked what Obama’s presidency meant to him, he said:

“It means I will no longer have to lie to my son. Now, I’ve seen it for myself and can say with honesty: He can be anything he wants when he grows up. Even the President of the United States.”

This is how change happens. Someone first has to carry the torch of possibility.

No amount of suffering we do on our part will alleviate the suffering in another part of the world. However, every bit the amount of success we live can increase another’s chances of success. We cannot hold a hand out to pull someone up without stable footing ourselves.

You’ve heard it from flight attendants: should there be a decrease in cabin pressure, place the oxygen mask over yourself first, and then secure that of your child.

We must first bring ourselves to the level of success so that we can affect change for others. But we will never get there if we insist on using other people’s lives as our excuse not to.

One person’s elevation creates possibilities for the rest of us, if not by example, by influence.

Oprah, in her response to the declining economy, called a Billionaires Summit. In a closed door meeting in NY, a few months ago, some of the richest men and Oprah (she was the only woman) met to talk about philanthropic foundations and which charities they would give to. She used her success to make a difference.

We all have that level of influence within us. It may not be the Billionaires Summit. It may be contributing our success or talents at the PTA meeting, or the Neighborhood Watch Group, or the Environmental Protection Agency, or the Commission for the Arts Council. Or it may be using our sphere of influence raising our children to be kind and tolerant and responsible.

I do not agree that everyone wants to be the next Wayne Dyer or Suze Orman. There is a female executive somewhere whose true desire is to give up the 60 hour work week to bake cookies with her children, participate in their Girl Scout meeting, host slumber parties in her home and watch her kids grow up. And her following this desire would be the right path for her—and an example to let other parents know that they can be full time mothers and still be strong, powerful women.

Or there is the couple who wants to give up all their worldly possessions and travel by backpack around the world.

Or there is the environmentalist who wants to work at a landfill and discover new and more efficient ways of refuse disposal.

Our job is not to judge one desire or goal as more or less important or worthy than another. Our job is to give life to the potential or seedling of desire we have within us and maximize it as best we can.

I am not going to say this is easy. It is much easier to throw ourselves into another person’s cause, crusade or success than to take the steps towards our own. Resistance is strong when it comes to our own expression. I know—I’m guilty of succumbing to it, myself. But we always know when we’re doing it.  And we have to come back to ourselves.

Years ago, I placed an ad on craigslist seeking to interview successful business owners. I wanted to hear their strategy and in exchange I would buy them a cup of coffee or a meal. One business owner I met with owned three Jamba Juice franchises in the Oakland area. His advice was to follow your dreams and believe in yourself.

To illustrate this, he told me a story about a woman who would come into his juice bar every day and talk to him about the book she was writing. She told him that one day she would be a very successful author and people would know who she was. The woman? Suze Orman.

Turns out, before Suze Orman was Suze Orman, she was just a woman in a juice bar who envisioned becoming Suze Orman.

Don’t squander the thing within you that is trying to emerge. Instead, fan the flame. Find out what it’s all about. Discover yourself.

And do not use another person’s suffering as your excuse not to thrive. There is enough lack, pain and limitation being covered on the news. We are all part of what I consider a cosmic teeter-totter; and we need to tip the scales, energetically, the other way.

Even if in that small way is simply living up to our full potential. Or forgiving our neighbor. Or spending time in our garden to listen to the birds sing. Giving thanks.

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