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by Lori Deschene

“Peace is not something you wish for. It’s something you make, something you do, something you are, and something you give away.” ~Robert Fulghum

Recently I’ve been spending a lot of time visiting 1000 Awesome Things, a blog devoted to the many simple pleasures in life. Some of them remind me of being a kid, like this one about celebrities on Sesame Street. Others remind of me I’m stronger than I think, like this one about getting through difficult situations.

With that in mind, you can imagine how excited I am to receive a copy of Neil’s upcoming book, aptly named The Book of Awesome. I’m even more excited that I’ll be able to give away two autographed copies when I write my review. (Coming soon!)

In the meantime, as a way to pay tribute to this awesome book and my awesome new friend, I’ve decided to create my own awesome list, tinybuddha style.

Here are 50 peaceful things to help you be mindful and happy throughout the day:

1. Laying in bed for a few minutes in the morning before hopping into your day. There’s no reason to rush.

2. Eating breakfast slowly, at a table, instead of grabbing something on the go.

3. Listening to your favorite music on the way to work, and remembering when you first heard it. Where you were, who you were with, how you felt.

4. Hugging someone you know long enough to make it meaningful.

5. Appreciating something you take for granted, like your feet for taking you where you need to go.

6. Focusing solely on the smell of your coffee as it brews.

7. Noticing something thoughtful a stranger does for someone else. (There are a lot of beautiful people out there).

8. Watching a coworker get proud about doing something well and feeling happy for them. Nothing’s more calming than focusing on someone else and forgetting yourself for a while.

9. Getting into the zone typing, like finger-moving meditation, maybe set the rhythm of a great tune on your iPod.

10. Doing only one thing, even though you have a lot to do, to fully enjoy what you’re doing.

11. Knowing you did a good job and taking a few minutes to bask in self satisfaction. You’re pretty awesome.

12. Expressing how you feel and then letting it be without feeling pressure to explain (pressure we usually put on ourselves).

13. Taking a break without anything to do besides breathing and noticing little details in your environment. How soft the rug is after having been cleaned. How sunlight from your window leaves shadows on your desk.

14. Holding someone’s hand in both of yours when you thank them.

15. Listening to someone talk–really hearing them–without thinking about what you’ll say next.

16. Remembering a time when you felt peaceful, and going back there in your head.

17. Writing a thoughtful, hand-written note to someone, even if you could email, because you feel more connected when you write it out.

18. Channeling your inner Kevin Rose and savoring a cup of loose leaf tea.

19. Forgiving someone, not just in words, but by feeling compassion for them.

20. Writing down thoughts that keep racing through your head, crumpling up the paper, and throwing it away. Being done with them.

21. Letting yourself have lunch without any thoughts of work.

22. Doing something slowly and finding it more fun than you realized when you rushed through it.

23. Holding a smooth rock in your palm and feeling stable and grounded.

24. Believing someone else when they say everything will be OK.

25. Feeling whatever you feel without judging it, knowing it will pass. It always does.

26. Making a short video of your child or niece, and watching it in the middle of the day when the world seems to be moving too fast.

27. Watching something in nature and letting yourself be intrigued. Feeling wonder at something simple that man hasn’t touched or changed.

28. Finding something beautiful in chaos, like the love between your loud family members at the dinner table, or one raindrop dripping down your window as you navigate a traffic-congested road.

29. Thinking something and realizing you can change your thoughts whenever you want. You don’t have to dwell in a painful memory–you can make a better one right now.

30. Telling someone you love them, not because you want to hear it back, but because you feel it too deeply not to express it. Because expressing it makes you happy.

31. Realizing there’s nothing to worry about. You can be happy right now–you have everything you need to smile.

32. Doing something creative and childlike, like making someone a card or coloring. Even as an adult, it feels good to pick all the right colors and stay mostly in the lines. Or go out of the lines and embrace it. It’s your picture!

33. Giving someone you love the benefit of the doubt to put your mind at ease and maintain a peaceful relationship.

34. Rolling down the window when you drive and feeling the pressure of the cool air on your face.

35. Calling one of your parents in the middle of the day to thank them for everything they’ve done–everything they’ve given you that one crazy afternoon can’t diminish or take away.

36. Taking a walk with no destination in mind, just to see what’s out there to be seen.

37. Letting go of something you’ve been holding onto that does nothing but stress you out.

38. Telling someone why knowing them makes you lucky.

39. Letting someone have their opinion; knowing you can honor it without changing or compromising yours.

40. Setting out on a joy mission–looking for something to do solely to experience fully present, open-to-possibilities bliss.

41. Defining peaceful for yourself. If peace is yelling, “I’m the king of the world!” while jogging around a track, do it with abandon.

42. Listening to a song that gives you goosebumps and creating a mental montage of moments that made you happy.

43. Turning off all your electronics to read without distractions.

44. Doing something by candlelight and remembering a simpler time.

45. Closing your eyes and dancing to a song you can feel pulsating in your veins.

46. Turning off your cell phone, no matter who might call or text, because there’s something you’d like to do with all your heart and attention.

47. Sitting in a sauna, and letting the heat melt all your stresses away.

48. Finally making time for something you want to do but always say you don’t have time for.

49. Making eye contact with a stranger and feeling connected to a world larger than your own.

50. Letting yourself lay in bed at night without making a mental inventory of things that went wrong today or could go wrong tomorrow.

And one last peaceful thing: being grateful for new friends with awesome ideas, and letting them inspire you.

by Therese Ember

“The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.”  ~Samuel Johnson

Just after my mother’s colon cancer surgery, my father was laid off from work.

I was 16 years old and felt silently helpless and terrified.  My Mom had been attending church but, on this certain day, she didn’t feel well enough to attend. After this particular church service, an exceedingly thin, frail, elderly woman approached me. She requested if I would please accompany her on an errand.

I felt too afraid of being disrespectful of the elderly, so shyly I sat next to her in her car as she drove to a grocery store. Her name was Georgie.

I began pushing Georgie’s grocery cart down the first aisle. It was then that she paused, pointed to an item, and asked, “Do you have this in your house?”

I started to cry, realizing the true purpose of her “errand.”

She continued, “Now, tell me yes or no.”

I answered, “no”.  She placed the item in the cart. She continued down every single aisle of the supermarket, pointing to every inconceivably generous object.  I couldn’t contain my tears of vulnerability in public nor of her profound generosity to an utter stranger’s family. Someone must have told her about our family’s dire situation.

I stammered, “I haven’t any money or a job. My father got laid off from work. My mother has cancer.”

She said, “Someday you’re going to meet someone in a similar situation and do the same thing for them and that’s how you’ll pay me back”.

She never accepted personal compensation.

Beloved Georgie has long since passed away.

Yet since then, I have secretly tried to emulate Georgie in the hidden way that she conducted “errands.”  To strangers.  They usually initially stammer to decline, until I begin to tell them my story about Georgie. Somehow Georgie gives them permission to safely receive.

I repeat to them what Georgie said to me.  In addition I say, “This is a gift from Georgie.”  They cry and we hug; and thus beloved Georgie lives on into eternity in unimaginably grateful hearts.

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by Lori Deschene

“Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.” ~Unknown

Maybe someone hurt you physically or emotionally. Maybe you’ve survived something else traumatic–a natural disaster, a fire, an armed robbery. Or maybe you’ve just come out of a trying situation, and though you know you’ll eventually recover, you still feel pain that seems unbearable.

Whatever the case may be, you’ve been scarred, and you carry it with you through many of your days.

Most of us can relate on some level to that feeling. Even people who excel at taking personal responsibility have at least one story of having been hurt. Though some of us have endured more serious situations, you really can’t quantify or compare emotional pain.

To a teenager who just had her heart broken, the pain really seems like the end of the world. In fact, Livestrong estimates that every 100 minutes, a teenager commits suicide–and that the number of suicides in high-income families is the same as in poor families. Presumably, not all of those teens have suffered incomprehensible tragedies. What they have in common is pain, born from different adversities and circumstances.

When you’re hurting some people might tell you to “Suck it up and deal” as if that’s a valid solution. They may say “It’s all in your head” and assume that reasons away the pain. But none of that will help you heal and find happiness from moment to moment.

Like everyone, I’ve been hurt–in both profound and trivial ways. I’ve dealt with it using the following ideas:

1. Define your pain.

It’s not always easy to identify and understand what’s hurting you. Some people even stay in abusive relationships because it’s safer than acknowledging their many layers of pain: the low self esteem that convinces them they deserve abuse; the shame over being treated with such cruelty; the feeling of desperation that convinces them there’s no real way out.

The first step toward finding happiness after having been hurt is to understand why you were hurt; to get to the root of everything that makes the memories hard.

2. Express that pain.

There’s no guarantee you’ll be able to communicate how you feel to the person who hurt you; and if you can, there’s no guarantee they’ll respond how you want them to. Say what you need to say anyways. Write in your journal. Write a letter and burn it. Get it all out.

This will help you understand why you’re hurting–and what you’ll do in the future to avoid similar pain–so you can feel empowered instead of victimized. Research has actually proven that people who focus on lessons learned while journaling find the experience more helpful than people who don’t (focus on lessons).

3. Try to stay in the present.

Reliving the past can be addictive. It gives you the opportunity to do it again and respond differently. To fight back instead of submitting; to speak your mind instead of silencing yourself. It also allows you to possibly understand better. What happened? Where did you go wrong? What should you have done?

In other words, it allows you to torture yourself. Regardless of what you should have done, you can’t do it now. If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, you may need professional help to avoid revisiting the incident. If you don’t, you need sustained effort. Fight the urge to relive the pain. You can’t go back and find happiness there. You can only experience that now.

4. Stop telling the story.

It may seem like another way to understand what happened; or maybe it feels helpful to hear someone say you didn’t do anything wrong and you don’t deserve to hurt. In all reality this just keeps you stuck right where you are: living your life around a memory and giving it power to control you.

No amount of reassurance will change what happened. You can’t find happiness by holding onto a painful story, trying to place in new, brighter light. You can only find happiness when you let it go, and make room for something better. You don’t need another person’s permission to let go and feel OK.

5. Forgive yourself.

Maybe you didn’t do anything wrong, but you blame yourself. Or maybe you played a role in creating your current situation. Regardless of what happened, you need to realize what you did is not who you are. And even if you feel immense regret, you deserve to start today without carrying that weight. You deserve a break.

You can either punish yourself and submit to misery, or forgive yourself and create the possibility of happiness. It comes down to whether you decide to dwell or move on. Which do you choose: anger with yourself and prolonged pain, or forgiveness and the potential for peace?

6. Stop playing the blame/victim game.

Maybe you were a victim. Maybe someone did horrible things to you, or you fell into an unfortunate set of circumstances through no fault of your own. It still doesn’t serve you to sit around feeling bad for yourself, blaming other people. In fact, it only holds you back. You can’t feel good if you use this moment to feel bad about another person’s actions.

The only way to experience happiness is to take responsibility for creating it, whether other people made it easy for you or not. You’re not responsible for what happened to you in the past but you’re responsible for your attitude now. Why let someone who hurt you in the past have power over your present?

7. Don’t let the pain become your identity.

If everything you do, and all your relationships center around something that hurt you, it will be harder to move on. You may even come to appreciate what that identity gives you: attention, the illusion of understanding, or the warmth of compassion, for example.

You have to consider the possibility there’s a greater sense of happiness in completely releasing your story. That you’d feel better than you can even imagine if you’d stop letting your pain define you. You can have a sad story in your past without building your present around it.

8. Reconnect with you were before the pain.

It’s not easy to release a pain identity, particularly if you’ve carried it around for a long time. It may help to remember who you were before that experience–or to consider who you might have become if it hadn’t happened. You can still be that person. That person who doesn’t feel bitter or angry so frequently.

If you want to feel and be peaceful and happy, start by identifying what that looks like. What you think about, what you feel, what you do, how you interact with people. Odds are this process will remind you both how you want to be and how you don’t want to be.

9. Focus on things that bring you joy in the moment.

You don’t have to focus on completely letting go of your pain forever–you just have to make room for joy right now. Start simple. What’s something you can enjoy in this moment, regardless of what pain you’ve experienced? Would sitting in the sun bring you joy? Would calling your sister bring you joy?

Don’t think about the totality of the rest of your days. That’s a massive burden to carry–haven’t you hurt enough? Just focus on now, and allow yourself a little peace. You’ll be surprised how easily “nows” can add up when you focus on them as they come.

10. Share that joy with other people.

People often isolate themselves when they’re hurting because it feels safer than showing people their vulnerability. What they fail to realize is they don’t have to feel vulnerable all the time. You can choose certain people for support, and then allow yourself time with others without involving your painful story.

You can share a meal, a movie, a moment and give yourself a break from your anger or sadness. You don’t have to carry it through every moment of your day. Don’t worry–if you feel you need to remember it, you’ll still be able to recall it later. But as you allow yourself pockets of peace, shared with people you love, you may find you need that story a lot less.

***

Everyone deserves to feel happy. Everyone deserves a little peace. One more thing we all have in common: we can only provide those things for ourselves.

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by Lori Deschene

“Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them, humanity cannot survive.” ~Dalai Lama

Though Valentine’s Day is right around the corner, this is not a post about romance. It’s about any relationship–with your brother, your mother, your coworker, your friend.

And I admit I am not an expert.

I’ve made a million and one mistakes in relationships. I’ve expected too much. Or not asked for what I needed in fear of rocking the boat. I’ve been competitive. I’ve been suspisious. I’ve been dependent. I’d like to think what redeems me from all these mistakes is that I’ve also been honest.

Being self aware, in my opinion, is far more valuable than being perfect–mostly because the former is attainable and helpful, while the latter is neither.

Relationships are not easy. They mirror everything we feel about ourselves and the way the world works. When you’ve had a bad day, the people around you seem difficult. When you’re not happy with yourself, your relationships seem to be lacking.

If you’ve ever gotten in a fight, only to find yourself wondering what you were really upset about, this post may help you. If you’ve ever been disappointed because someone didn’t meet your expectations, this post may help you, too. Feel walked on and unheard? You guessed it–there’s likely something in here that will help you change that.

We don’t live in a vacuum. We have thoughts and feelings that can be confusing. Other people do, too. And just like in the movie Crash, they don’t always collide smoothly.

When I apply these ideas–which I do better sometimes than others–I feel confident, strong, compassionate, and peaceful  in my interactions. I hope they can do the same for you.

1. Do what you need to do for you.

Everyone has personal needs, whether it’s going to the gym after work or taking some alone time on Saturday morning. If someone asks you to do something and your instinct is to honor you own need, do that. I’m not saying you can’t make sacrifices sometimes, but it’s important to make a habit of taking care of yourself. (More on this: 10 Ways to Balance Self Interest & Sacrifice).

Someone once told me people are like glasses of water. If you don’t do what you have to do to keep your glass full, you’ll need to take it from someone else–which leaves them half full. Fill your own glass so you can feel whole and complete in your relationships.

2. Give people the benefit of the doubt.

It’s tempting to doubt people. To assume your boyfriend meant to hurt you by not inviting you out with his friends, or your friend meant to make you feel inadequate by flaunting her money. People who care about you want you to feel happy, even if sometimes they get too wrapped up in their own problems to show it well.

Sometimes they may be hurtful and mean it–let’s not pretend we’re all angels. But that won’t be the norm. It will likely be when they’re hurting and don’t know what to do with it. Odds are they’ll feel bad and apologize later. If you want to get good will, share it by seeing the best in the people you love. When you assume the best you often inspire it.

3. Look at yourself for the problem first.

When you feel unhappy with yourself, it’s easy to find something wrong in a relationship. If you blame another person for what you’re feeling, the solution is on them. But this is actually faulty logic. For starters, it gives them all the control. And secondly, it usually doesn’t solve the problem since you didn’t actually address the root cause.

Next time you feel the need to blame someone for your feelings–something they did or should have done–ask yourself if there’s something else going on. You may find there’s something underlying: something you did or should have done for you. Take responsibility for the problem and you have power to create a solution.

4. Be mindful of projecting.

In psychology, projecting refers to denying your own traits and then ascribing them to the outside world or other people. For example, if you’re not a loyal and trusting friend, you may assume your friends are all out to get you. It’s a defense mechanism that allows you to avoid the discomfort of acknowledging your weaknesses. There’s no faster way to put a rift in your relationships.

This comes back to down to self awareness, and it’s hard work. Acknowledging your flaws isn’t fun; but if you don’t, you’ll continue seeing them in everyone around you. And you’ll continue to hurt. Next time you see something negative in someone else, ask yourself if it’s true for you. It might not be–but if it is, identifying it can help create peace in that relationship.

5. Choose your battles.

Everyone knows someone who makes everything a fight. If you question them about something, you can expect an argument. If you comment on something they did, you’ll probably get yelled at. Even a compliment could create a confrontation. Some people just like to fight–maybe to channel negativity they’re carrying around about the world or themselves.

On the one hand, you have to tell people when there’s something bothering you. That’s the only way to address problems. On the other hand, you don’t have to let everything bother you. When I’m not sure if I need to bring something up, I ask myself these few questions:

• Does this happen often and leave me feeling bad?
• Does this really matter in the grand scheme of things?
• Can I empathize with their feelings instead of dwelling on my insecurity?

6. Confront compassionately and clearly.

When you attack someone, their natural instinct is to defend themself–which gets you nowhere. You end up having a loud conversation where two people do their best to prove they’re right and the other one is wrong. It’s rarely that black and white. It’s more likely you both have points, but you’re both too stubborn to meet in the middle.

If you approach someone with compassion, you will open their hearts and minds. Show them you understand where they’re coming from, and they’ll be willing to see your side. That gives you a chance to express yourself and your expectations clearly. And when you let people know what you need at the right time in the right way, they’re more likely to give that to you.

7. Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable.

There are all kinds of ways you can feel vulnerable in relationships: When you express your feelings for someone else. When you’re honest about yourself or your past. When you admit you made a mistake. People don’t always do these things because they want to maintain a sense of power.

Power allows you a superficial sense of control, whereas true, vulnerable being allows you a sense of authenticity. That’s love: being your true self and allowing someone else to do the same without letting fear and judgment tear it down. It’s like Jimi Hendrix said, “When the power of love overcomes the love of power the world will know peace.” I discussed this more in-depth in 5 Rules for Life.

8. Think before acting on emotion.

This one is the hardest for me. As soon as I feel hurt, frustrated, or angry, I want to do something with it–which is always a bad idea. I’ve realized my initial emotional reaction does not always reflect how I really feel about something. Initially, I might feel scared or angry–but once I calm down and think things through, I often realize I overreacted.

When you feel a strong emotion, try to sit it for a while. Don’t use it or run from it–just feel it. When you learn to observe your feelings before acting on them, you minimize the negativity you create in two ways: you process, analyze, and deal with feelings before putting them on someone else; and you communicate in a way that inspires them to stay open instead of shutting down.

9. Maintain boundaries.

When people get close, boundaries can get fuzzy. In a relationship without boundaries, you let the other person manipulate you into doing things you don’t want to do. You act out of guilt instead of honoring your needs. You let someone offend you without telling them how you feel about it. The best way to ensure people treat you how you want to be treated is to teach them.

That means you have to love and respect yourself enough to do that: to acknowledge what you need, and speak up. The only way to truly have loving, peaceful relationships is to start with a loving, peaceful relationship with yourself. This is a huge topic; if it resonates with you, I recommend this wonderful article (yes, on Oprah’s website) that explains how to set personal boundaries.

10. Enjoy their company more than their approval.

When you desperately need someone’s approval, your relationship becomes all about what they do for you: how often they stroke your ego, how well they bring you up when you feel down, how well they mitigate your negative feelings. This is draining for another person; and it  creates an unbalanced relationship.

If you notice yourself dwelling on pleasing someone else or getting their approval, realize you’re creating that need. (Unless you’re in an abusive relationship, in which case I highly recommend getting help.) Instead of focusing on what you can get from that person, focus on enjoying yourselves together. Oftentimes the best thing you can do for yourself and someone else is let go and give yourself permission to smile.

What do you do to create peaceful, loving relationships?

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“When someone receives us with open-hearted, non-judging, intensely interested listening, our spirits expand.” ~Sue Patton Theole

Whether you’re talking to your mother or your coworker, odds are you don’t always give your complete attention without formulating thoughts of your own. Even the most Zen person sometimes waits to talk instead of really listening.

It happens all the time.

As your sister recounts her afternoon and the hassle she encountered at the DMV, you feel the temptation to interrupt and one-up her—your afternoon was even crazier.

While your boyfriend tells you about his interview, you half-listen and half prepare your own monologue, entitled My Long Day at the Office.

And let’s not forget your daughter’s after-school recap, when it takes everything inside you to not finish her sentence, rush her to the point, and start doling out chores. Without realizing it, you’ve given a subtle cue she doesn’t deserve your time and full attention.

When you focus your energy on planning what to say next, you don’t completely hear what someone’s saying—meaning you respond to them without digesting their words first. Instead of staying open, allowing their story maximum impact, you listen halfheartedly so you’ll have your turn, and hopefully their agreement or approval.

After all, that’s what we all want: a sense that we’re heard, our feelings make sense, and we have a right to feel them.

Why not give that gift to someone else before seeking it for yourself?

It’s challenging to stop thinking about our lives long enough to focus on someone else’s. And it may seem counterintuitive—how can you converse if you don’t process what someone else says and considerate it within the context of your own reality?

It’s not so much a matter of shutting off your mind as it is learning to focus your attention. To actively listen without judging or drifting so you can respond from a place of clarity. To quell your instinct to switch the subject when that person you care about would appreciate just a little more of your time.

When you resist the urge to compare or compete, and refrain from forming opinions, you let other people know you care about what they have to say. Not just because it gives you an excuse to talk about yourself, but because you value their thoughts and learn from them.

In the process, you also give yourself a break from worrying, analyzing, and judging—a brief flicker in time to let everything go and just absorb the world around you.

In that way you benefit twofold from forgetting yourself for a while.

Do happy. It’s something you’re due.

• Look Longer
• Pursue Fewer Goals
• Stop Doing

Read all Do Happy tips here. Photo here.

by Lori Deschene

“It is easy when we are in prosperity to give advice to the afflicted.” ~Aeschylus

Earlier this year I got some feedback from the ‘tween magazine I wrote for: “It sounds like good advice, but kids probably won’t do any of that.”

In my head it all sounded logical, but I didn’t consider whether I’d have taken that advice as a kid. Or now for that matter.

People do it all the time: look at a situation from a removed, non-emotional place, and hurl suggestions that are far easier said than done. And sometimes, just plain unrealistic.

I’ve listed 5 of these hard-to-follow, cliché pieces of advice, along with alternative suggestions you may actually be inclined to take.

1. Don’t worry about what other people think.

Unless you are a complete narcissist you will likely never master this one. Try as you may to turn off the part of your brain that thinks about other people’s perceptions, you will always care on some level.

This is a good thing. It’s what allows us to feel compassion. It reminds us to consider other people before we make choices that could be hurtful. It humbles us and reminds us to be better every day, both for ourselves and the people around us.

Instead of trying not to worry about what people think, learn to filter your worries into two buckets in your head:

Worry you can channel for something good.

If you’re worried your employer thinks you’re incompetent because you did poorly on your last task, turn it into determination to improve. If you’re worried your friend’s upset because you forgot her birthday, put that feeling into a belated card and let her know how much she means to you.

Worry you need to let go of.

You experience this when you’re worried about strangers’ perceptions, for example. You can’t strong-arm strangers into seeing you the way you want to be seen. You can only work harder to actually be that person. Put your energy into that and let your worry fade behind your efforts as best you can.

2. You don’t need other people to make you happy.

Derivatives of this advice include: Be your own best friend. All you need is you. Complete yourself. All wonderful platitudes that may make you feel empowered and strong for a while.

And maybe for longer if you’re not one of these people Barbara Streisand sings about. You know: people who need people. Most of us do need people. Maybe not to be complete, but to feel a sense of connection.

Instead of trying to be an army of one, work on depending on yourself and needing people simultaneously. Devote time to the things that make you happy, and risk letting other people be a large part of that.

If you walk around thinking “I don’t need anyone” you might close yourself off from potentially deep and amazing connections.

It’s like Christopher McCandless said: true happiness is shared. Find your own happiness, and let people give it to you, too.

3. Do what you love and the money will follow.

Forgive me for not sugar-coating, but this is a complete fallacy. You’re more likely to make money if you do something you love because you’ll put your heart in it, even when things get tough—which means you’ll keep going long enough to see some type of reward. But there’s no guarantee here.

If this statement was universally true there would be no starving artists. No crowds of hopefuls at American Idol auditions.

Passion is not a magic potion that ensures you’ll be successful. It helps your cause, but it can’t support it alone. Most people don’t stumble into acclaim or wealth; a very small percentage of the world was at one point discovered by someone and then handed success.

If what you want is money, work hard at whatever you do, whether you love it or not. You’ll probably need to arrive earlier and leave later than other people. You’ll have to sacrifice other things in your life, like time with your family and friends.

If you do what you love and work hard, then the money may follow. If you do what you love and balance work with play, you’ll likely make enough money to be comfortable and happy.

4. Smile and the whole world smiles with you.

You probably have a very nice smile, but odds are it won’t spontaneously inspire 7 billion people to follow suit—or even the 50 people in your vicinity. Maybe not even the four people in your living room.

Don’t get me wrong; smiling is often contagious. Someone who is in a good mood can very easily uplift people in her midst. But it doesn’t always work that way. Sometimes, try as you may to share positive energy, the people around you stay stubbornly immersed in their own negativity.

A better piece of advice: smile and accept that some people may act in opposition. Those people may stay upset or bitter about whatever they’re holding onto. They may even be annoyed by your good mood because they can’t find it within them to let go of their pain.

But you will affect others. And inspire them. And motivate them to find and hold onto happiness. Act for yourself and those people. It’s not the whole world, but it’s a whole lot to fill your heart with.

OK this is just four–I’m leaving the fifth up to you. I’m sure you can think of a lot more advice that sounds good on paper but doesn’t apply so easily to real-world situations. Add them in the comments. You get what you give. (Another cliché—true or not?)

Lori Deschene, lead contributor, lives in the San Francisco Bay Area. Read more of her tinybuddha posts here, and follow her on Twitter @lori_deschene. Photos found here and here.

Some posts to read while making New Years Resolutions:

by Lori Deschene

Yesterday morning, two of the correspondents on the news in Boston (where I’m home for the holidays) had an interesting conversation about the classic It’s a Wonderful Life.

One of them said he’s not a big fan of the movie, which instilled a sense of complete outrage in me.

How dare he take George Bailey’s name in vain? It’s such an inspirational film! From saving Harry’s life to finding Zuzu’s petals, every scene gets my little heart aflutter with renewed hope in our ability to make a difference and find happiness.

When the initial offense faded, I listened to what clearly-heartless news guy was saying. And he actually had a point.

The main character, George Bailey, sacrificed everything he wanted in life for the people around him. If he continued to operate in a constant state of self sacrifice, he’d likely always have regrets where other men have dreams.

And why should he not have the chance, at some point, to feel satisfaction that isn’t hinged upon having saved someone else’s life?

At the end of the movie, he receives the ultimate assurance that his life is best lived with everyone else’s interests before his own: a party where he receives all the gratitude and admiration he clearly felt had been lacking prior.

The implication seems to be that he should continue on this path because everyone’s life would have fallen apart if he didn’t come to their rescue.

The movie critique got me thinking about the sacrifices we make for other people. If you know me, you may find it off that I–ever the eternal optimist–have chosen to dissect the act of selflessness right before a holiday that often inspires it.

This is precisely why I have.

Holidays generally bring out the best in people. When we pull out the tear jerkers that remind us people care and miracles happen, we’re motivated to be the change we want to see in the world. To express and show our feelings. To care in action.

But what’s more important than an epiphany shouted from a balcony on Christmas morning is an understanding of healthy giving–both to others and ourselves–that’s sustainable all year long.

I, for one, would find this information invaluable, as I’m somewhat of a George Bailey–ever willing to consider someone else’s feelings and interests before my own. On some level it’s because I want to be kind; but often I’m motivated by the desire to feel important and useful. Or to please other people. Or even to avoid facing my own needs.

If you can relate on any level, consider these reasons to find a balance between doing for others and yourself:

Too much sacrifice can harm relationships. According to Ted Hagen, PhD, “The give and take between two people creates mutual respect. It strengthens a relationship.”

Excessive giving can create internal resentment. If you continually put everyone else first, you may eventually resent everyone for expecting so much of you–when in all reality, you had the choice to give less at any time.

Sacrificing is not always helpful. We often give because we think it’s the right thing to do; but sometimes it’s just plain not. People (children especially) need to learn to take care of themselves and to accept the world won’t always meet their every wish, whim, and need.

To truly give yourself, you need to take care of yourself. Your daily car ride may make someone’s life easier; but your bond as a healthy, happy person is far more valuable. You can only offer than if you take care of your own needs, as well.

We all deserve a life that involves doing and resisting and giving and taking and being selfish and selfless at times. I recommend the following steps to find a balance with all of the above:

1. Identify your current give/take ratio. If you’d like to find a balance you have to know how off-balance you currently are. Is it 50/50? Or 70/30?

2. Establish your reason for imbalance. Are you overextending yourself to feel powerful? Or to please everyone? You need to figure this out to address the next part.

3. Find an alternative plan. If your goal is to feel powerful and helpful, start mentoring a child on the weekend. If you’d like to be well-liked, nurture qualities and skills that attract people to you–other than your tendency to say yes. This is a far better approach to gaining respect anyway.

4. Take a piece of the pie. You can’t give everyone in your life 100%, so you likely give your parents, friends, and significant other a percentage of your energy. Consider a piece of that your own, and honor that in your choices.

5. Think of taking as another form of giving. Everything you get from giving–the people who love you will get the same if you give them a chance to reciprocate. Why not allow them the opportunity to feel helpful and important, too?

6. Take a drama-free look at your relationships. Do some people take more than give? The goal isn’t to blame, attack, or make yourself a victim; but rather to establish which relationships need to change.

7. Make attempts to repair unbalanced relationships. If the give/take ratio is off-kilter, you need to address this–either by asking for what you need when you need it, or initiating a constructive conversation. If the bond is worth saving the other person will be at least a little receptive.

8. Make a habit of expressing your needs. People won’t always anticipate them and step up to the plate, even if you operate that way. If you state your expectations, it will be easier for people to meet them. (Trust that they’ll want to! That’s how healthy relationships work.)

9. Check in without an even-Steven philosophy. You don’t need to keep an internal scorecard of how much people are doing for you; but you should feel that, on the whole, they’re there for you physically and emotionally as much as you’re there for them.

10. Ask yourself, “Would I need a George Bailey moment of gratitude and admiration to justify all I’ve sacrificed?” If the answer is yes, you know you’re not living a completely fulfilling life. One in which you look out for yourself, and honor your wants and needs as much as other people’s.

Making now the perfect time to ask yourself: how can I accept where the choices I’ve made have taken me–but make more balanced choices from here on out for a truly wonderful life?

Other posts by Lori Deschene you may enjoy:

• 5 Ways to Make a Big Difference in Someone’s Day
• 5 Rules for Life
• 2 Ways You Think Yourself Unhappy (and 10 Things to Do About It)
• 10 Ways I Know There’s Nothing Wrong with You or Me

by Lori Deschene

There’s this saying I used to love that doesn’t resonate with me anymore:

“Go big or go home.”

I understand the allure of doing big things.

Life seems more meaningful when you’re pursuing a passion that could feasibly improve life for masses of people; and at the end of the day, most of us want to create a legacy—something that lives on beyond our own ripple-in-the-ocean life spans.

I’m not arguing the benefits of going big if that’s what you want to do—especially since I have a few big plans of my own. But there are a couple of implications here I would like to debunk:

1. If you’re playing small, you’re not playing smart.

Wrong. Determine what makes you happy and gives you a sense of purpose, and then live it—whether that means finding a cure for cancer, or finding your son’s favorite toy for the fifteenth time in a day.

Play by your own rules; no one else’s.

2. If you’re not doing something big, you’re not making a difference.

Wrong. Revolutionaries like Ted Kennedy and titans like Ted Turner made massive contributions to the world, but our society also advances when parents raise well-adjusted children, and teachers inspire students to utilize their talents and overcome pressures.

Whether you have grand plans or not, I think it’s important to play small every day—even while keeping your eye on a larger goal. The little things make a huge difference, both for us and the people whose lives we touch.

Each of these small acts will make a meaningful difference in someone’s life, and hopefully fill you with joy and satisfaction:

1. Talk to an elderly person you meet waiting at the DMV or sitting on the bus. Ask him about his life, his children, the job he had before retiring.

It’s an unfortunate fact that many elderly people are isolated from society—and sometimes their families, if they have them. They crave meaningful connections and opportunities to share their passions, memories, and wisdom.

You may be surprised by what you receive when you extend that gift. But most importantly, you’ll give something small but powerful to someone who’s already given the world so much.

2. Find a blog about a topic you enjoy—one that doesn’t have any comments—and get in on the conversation.

There are over 100 million blogs on the net, about every topic under the sun. Many of those bloggers couldn’t care less about advertising revenue or thought leadership. They just want to share their passions, and hopefully connect with other people.

Your thoughtful comment could brighten their day, and reinforce that people truly are listening.

3. Ask a homeless person if there’s someone you can call for them.

Lots of homeless people have become alienated from their families, particularly the younger ones. Maybe they’re too proud to ask for help, or afraid their loved one won’t be receptive to their plea.

That pride or fear could be the biggest mistake of their life; and you could help them overcome it. If they’re not receptive, or if they truly have no one to call, just lend an ear. Perhaps in telling his story he’ll find the strength to seek help.

4. Prove someone cynical wrong.

There are a lot of people out there who believe people are basically selfish; that no one does anything just to be helpful or kind. I think that’s the saddest way to be in this world, because we generally seek evidence for the beliefs we form. Meaning it’s really difficult to reverse this perspective.

Do something completely selfless for that person. It may not change their philosophy, but maybe it will challenge it. You never know when one simple kindness will soften the anger or pain someone’s holding.

5. Tweet, “Is there anything I can do to help or support you today?”

It’s a simple question, but I’ve found it can make a significant difference.

As a direct result of asking, I’ve edited a college senior’s resume, introduced someone to his next employer, and helped a new friend name a website he started just last month (BuddhaDoes.com).

Sometimes the best way to make a difference is to open your heart and be a friend, whatever that means to the person who needs one.

The most meaningful acts are often the ones we commit without prompting or expectations.

We have such profound power when we lend an ear, a hand, or an act of kindness because it reminds the recipient that people are good. People do care. That’s what gives life meaning: the people who touch our lives, and the people whose lives we touch.

I’d love to know what you think. Have anything to add to the list?

Lori Deschene, lead contributor, lives in the San Francisco Bay Area. Read more of her posts here and follow her on Twitter @lori_deschene.

Recent posts by Lori Deschene you may enjoy:

• 20 Ways to Show You Care Without Spending a Dime
• 10 Questions to Ask Yourself Before Giving Up on Your Dream
• 40 Ways to Let Go and Feel Less Pain
• 7 Reasons to Be Happy Even if Things Aren’t Perfect Now

by Lori Deschene

“Friendship isn’t a big thing. It’s a million little things.” ~Unknown

This hasn’t been an extravagant holiday season for me. Like everyone and their mother, I lost a lot of income in 2009, and I just don’t have the means to give expensive presents.

Yet I feel I’ve received a lot of gifts this year. Most notably, I’ve realized how many of the people in my life mean more to me than any of the things I’m trying to accomplish.

The friends and family members whose love and support far eclipse the achievement of any goals I set. The people who are my home, whether I can afford a pricey apartment or not.

I’ve come up with 50 ways to show them how much I care within my current means. If you’re looking for a few meaningful gifts that don’t require a debit card, you may find these creative ideas helpful this season:

50. Make a mixed CD of songs they’ll enjoy.

49. Create a hand-made card and leave a thoughtful note.

48. Randomly, without any prompting, look them in the eye and say, “I really appreciate you—just for being you.”

47. Compliment them on something people may not often acknowledge—like their work ethic, or consideration for other people.

46. Give them something from nature that reminds you of them—like a unique shell, or a smooth but sturdy rock.

44. Send them a funny video from YouTube, and write, “You make me laugh more than this video. Thank you!”

43. Draw a map of your apartment with them in it and write, “I’d be lost without you.”

42. Give them something of yours that reminds you of them.

41. Give them a book you’ve already read, and inscribe it with a meaningful message.

40. Ask them if you can take care of their responsibilities; for example, you could offer to pick your friend’s children up from school.

39. Tell them they were so right about something and let them know how that information impacted your life.

38. Look for something on Craigslist you know they need—a job or a piece of affordable furniture, for example—and forward them the ad.

37. Squeeze their hand and say, “thank you.”

36. Ask, “How are you—really?” Then do nothing but listen and respond to what you hear for as long as they’d like to talk.

35. Ask, “What can I do to help you today?”

34. Notice how they affect other people—not you—and comment on it.

33. Cook dinner for them.

32. Make a simple sacrifice to spend time with them; for example, TiVo that show you always catch, and stop by with a 6-pack.

31. See their potential, and encourage them to pursue their dreams.

30. Ask them to retell their favorite story.

29. Let them pick the plans and find a way to really enjoy it—go line dancing, and see the experience through their eyes.

28. Offer them your skill for free. For example, my friend Cori who’s a graphic designer designed something for me last year as an early birthday gift.

27. Tell them which qualities of theirs you admire.

26. Introduce them to someone you love as, “My dear friend who taught me…”

25. Introduce them to something new that you think would enrich their lives.

24. Let them be right, even if you think they’re not, if it’s not that big of a deal.

23. Ask their advice on something important, and tell them their opinion means the world to you.

22. Send them a text that reads, “Thought of you today, and it made me smile.”

21. Notice when they do something that might have been challenging, and applaud their efforts.

20. Tell them the block in your planner that includes their name is the most important on a busy day.

19. Tell them you understand their struggle—whatever that may be—and say you’re always a call away to help.

18. Say thank you for something they don’t realize they gave you, like inspiration to seize the day, or the courage to leave an unhealthy relationship.

17. Let them know how they helped you think about something differently. For example, tell your friend she helped you see losing your job as a gift (if she did).

16. Surprise them in some way with something you know they’ll enjoy.

15. Send them a picture of you two together, and remind them why that day was amazing.

14. Ask how their big day went—whatever that big day may have been.

13. Share their pain when they have it. Hold their hand, wipe their tears, and be their shoulder to lean on.

12. Give them an uncomfortably long hug, like the Do Happy tip suggests.

11. Share a childlike experience with them. Go on the swings, get some ice cream, and let go of your stresses together.

10. Sing a song at karaoke and dedicate it to them. It doesn’t have to be a mushy one. Dedicate Ice, Ice Baby—it’s the thought that counts! 

9. Encourage them to be completely themselves around you. Tell your female friend she’s beautiful even without makeup; or tell your guy friend you like his corny jokes because they’re his.

8. Be honest even if it’s uncomfortable for you.

7. Invite them out with friends of yours they don’t know. Nothing says “I value you” like inclusion.

6. Forgive something they did that hurt you without needing to hear the words, “I’m sorry.”

5. Look out for someone they love.

4. Remember something they said that they thought you didn’t hear.

3. Help them reconnect with someone important in their life.

2. If you blog, write something they inspired, and dedicate it to them.

1. Simply say, “I really care about you, and I wanted you to know.”

Now forget these came from me—one might be coming your way! In the meantime, do you have any ideas to add?

Recent posts by Lori Deschene:

• 10 Questions to Ask Yourself Before Giving Up on Your Dream
• 20 Ways to Give Without Expectations
• 5 Rules for Life

“When you live on a round planet, there’s no choosing sides.” -Wayne Dyer

Research shows that rooting for a team–identifying with a group and enjoying the camaraderie you feel with other fans–can increase your sense of personal happiness.

While it’s satisfying to feel a sense of belonging, it can be dangerous to carry this us-against-them philosophy into other areas of your life. People do it all the time.

A man connects so deeply to his heritage he puts up walls with people from different backgrounds.

Or a woman believes something with so much conviction, people who disagree become immediate adversaries.

In this way, we shut ourselves into little boxes of people and relate to everyone else as outsiders. The Dalai Lama says we don’t need to give up our sense of belonging to communities; we just have to recognize various levels–the highest connecting us by a fundamental human bond.

So, rather than relating to others based on what makes us different, we relate based on what characteristics we share.

If there’s one common theme on this site–and in Buddhism, in general–it’s that people aren’t all that different. We all want to feel good and purposeful. We all want to avoid feeling pain.

Ironically, it’s painful to see other people as sitting on the other side. Believing or expecting the worst in them. Holding up a guard, ever-ready for an attack.

People will always be fundamentally different–what we believe, where we’ve come from, what limitations and possibilities we have. And people will always be fundamentally the same–what necessities we aim to meet, our emotional responses, our desire to make a difference in some way.

Where you place your focus determines how connected you feel to people, how much compassion you have for their experiences, and how fulfilling your interactions become.

Find a middle ground between sides today, even if it’s just a little step, and you may be surprised by the sense of relief–and reciprocal acceptance–you feel.

Do happy. It’s something you’re due.

Photo credit

Other Do Happy tips you may enjoy:

• Connect Without Complaining
• Celebrate a Non-Event
• Take a Small Step
• Impress Yourself

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