tinybuddha.com

by Sonia Derian

I write a newsletter every week and last month, a subscriber emailed me with a question I thought was worth exploring.

“… I guess what I’m getting at is if everyone had a choice, treating sewage would be the last thing one would want to do. Isn’t it? Well yes I’m making that judgment. If everyone was Wayne Dyer or that money guru lady Suze Orman, we’d all be reaching fantasy levels of achievement. That is what they seem to be proposing is possible.

But someone still has to take out the trash. If we’re all living big then who’s taking care of the landfills? I guess we could all be having wonderfully luxurious lives but chip in on the dirty stuff sometimes? Like volunteer, or Adopt-A-Highway kind of stuff. Then a boy in Iraq gets his arms and legs blown off and I’m supposed to be like “Yahoo, I’m living big???”….. uh? This is my ‘resistance; isn’t it?… Anyway, there is a topic here. Anything to help me feel better about living big while others suffer…”

It’s a big question: If there are others suffering in the world, what right do I have to think about myself or my lofty goals? What right do I have to consider more for myself when there are others who can’t even feed themselves, literally or figuratively?

I’ll begin with a quote from Marianne Williamson who talks in her book The Age of Miracles about the Butterfly Effect (based in Chaos Theory):

“When a butterfly flaps its wings near the tip of South America, it affects the wind patterns near the North Pole. And the same is true in the realm of consciousness: Every miracle you work in your life is a blessing on life itself.”

There is only one life happening that we are all a part of. If we are all in fact one big interwoven tapestry, then we are all connected. That being said, we can only be responsible for how we conduct our own lives.

By doing for ourselves, we come to a place where we are able to do for others and we change the consciousness of possibility on the planet.

At Obama’s inauguration, there were a lot of people being interviewed on the Plaza. One that struck me was an African American father. When asked what Obama’s presidency meant to him, he said:

“It means I will no longer have to lie to my son. Now, I’ve seen it for myself and can say with honesty: He can be anything he wants when he grows up. Even the President of the United States.”

This is how change happens. Someone first has to carry the torch of possibility.

No amount of suffering we do on our part will alleviate the suffering in another part of the world. However, every bit the amount of success we live can increase another’s chances of success. We cannot hold a hand out to pull someone up without stable footing ourselves.

You’ve heard it from flight attendants: should there be a decrease in cabin pressure, place the oxygen mask over yourself first, and then secure that of your child.

We must first bring ourselves to the level of success so that we can affect change for others. But we will never get there if we insist on using other people’s lives as our excuse not to.

One person’s elevation creates possibilities for the rest of us, if not by example, by influence.

Oprah, in her response to the declining economy, called a Billionaires Summit. In a closed door meeting in NY, a few months ago, some of the richest men and Oprah (she was the only woman) met to talk about philanthropic foundations and which charities they would give to. She used her success to make a difference.

We all have that level of influence within us. It may not be the Billionaires Summit. It may be contributing our success or talents at the PTA meeting, or the Neighborhood Watch Group, or the Environmental Protection Agency, or the Commission for the Arts Council. Or it may be using our sphere of influence raising our children to be kind and tolerant and responsible.

I do not agree that everyone wants to be the next Wayne Dyer or Suze Orman. There is a female executive somewhere whose true desire is to give up the 60 hour work week to bake cookies with her children, participate in their Girl Scout meeting, host slumber parties in her home and watch her kids grow up. And her following this desire would be the right path for her—and an example to let other parents know that they can be full time mothers and still be strong, powerful women.

Or there is the couple who wants to give up all their worldly possessions and travel by backpack around the world.

Or there is the environmentalist who wants to work at a landfill and discover new and more efficient ways of refuse disposal.

Our job is not to judge one desire or goal as more or less important or worthy than another. Our job is to give life to the potential or seedling of desire we have within us and maximize it as best we can.

I am not going to say this is easy. It is much easier to throw ourselves into another person’s cause, crusade or success than to take the steps towards our own. Resistance is strong when it comes to our own expression. I know—I’m guilty of succumbing to it, myself. But we always know when we’re doing it.  And we have to come back to ourselves.

Years ago, I placed an ad on craigslist seeking to interview successful business owners. I wanted to hear their strategy and in exchange I would buy them a cup of coffee or a meal. One business owner I met with owned three Jamba Juice franchises in the Oakland area. His advice was to follow your dreams and believe in yourself.

To illustrate this, he told me a story about a woman who would come into his juice bar every day and talk to him about the book she was writing. She told him that one day she would be a very successful author and people would know who she was. The woman? Suze Orman.

Turns out, before Suze Orman was Suze Orman, she was just a woman in a juice bar who envisioned becoming Suze Orman.

Don’t squander the thing within you that is trying to emerge. Instead, fan the flame. Find out what it’s all about. Discover yourself.

And do not use another person’s suffering as your excuse not to thrive. There is enough lack, pain and limitation being covered on the news. We are all part of what I consider a cosmic teeter-totter; and we need to tip the scales, energetically, the other way.

Even if in that small way is simply living up to our full potential. Or forgiving our neighbor. Or spending time in our garden to listen to the birds sing. Giving thanks.

Want to contribute a post? Read our submission guidelines then drop us a line at email @ tinybuddha.com.

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by Robbie S. Ward

“Living with the immediacy of death helps you sort out your priorities in life. It helps you to live a less trivial life.” ~Sogyal Rinpoche

Sitting in the ICU waiting rooms during recent months waiting to visit Mama, my life slowed down more than I can remember in recent memory. I had a lot of time to think about what I’ve done with my life in recent years.

Many things that seemed important at the time all of sudden seemed trivial. I realized how much my life had gotten out of control. I wasn’t a drug addict or alcoholic, but I had wasted many opportunities.

Sitting in the hospitals, I met parents whose children would probably die soon. Mama was transferred to another hospital before I found out. I met a woman whose husband was close to dying but made sure she spent every moment with him. I met families gathered during hard times.

Sometime between the visitation periods, I realized I won’t ever accomplish what I want in life if I didn’t change course. I have tried to do everything at full throttle at the same time. Focusing on too many projects at one time worked for a while but things seemed to fall break down on me.

I realized the importance of priorities, something I thought for years I didn’t have to worry about as long as I had plenty of coffee and enthusiasm.

I went from running a marathon in 2005 to being more out of shape now than in any other time in my life. I had a girlfriend I thought I might marry a year ago, but she ran away one of the last times I saw her.

I created a festival about redemption, rebellion, good spirited fun; and watched an anemic economy and other factors bully it from Main Street to a local bar.

I went from enjoying my job to struggling at things I usually shined doing. I went from taking graduate classes to realizing I’d taken about three years since I completed more than one class.

Some things I wanted won’t happen now because of actions and decisions I’ve made. I can’t undo the past—wouldn’t want to if I could. Some relationships won’t be rebuilt. One person told me recently that things I’d said about our future together were just ideas in my head.

One thing I learned watching Mama breathe with the help of a respirator is we have to prioritize.

Beyond everything else, we need to breathe—that’s most important. We also need to make those breaths count. Since we can’t do everything all at once, we need to prioritize.

I want to live in the present and focus making the imagination in my head a reality. That means not getting bogged down with too many projects at the same time.

One of my favorite editors told me before I left the Vicksburg Post to try to think about eating apples.

“If you try to eat seven apples at one time, they all turn nasty and you don’t enjoy any of them,” she said.

A person like me tries to do it all at once. That is why prioritizing has been such a hard lesson. Not prioritizing has left me alone, out of shape and wondering about some things I care about deeply. Some of my apples rotted before I could eat them.

Recent years have taught me to decide which apples mean the most, make them my top priories and enjoy each bite like it’s the last.

Interested in contributing? Read our submission guidelines and drop us a line at email @ tinybuddha.com.

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by Sonya Derian

“More powerful than the will to win is the courage to begin.” ~Unknown

I’ve spoken with a number of people recently who are doing something that is “just okay” with their lives but who really want to be doing something else. They feel an urgency to break free and go for it, even though they haven’t defined “it.”

I think a lot of people, if not currently there, understand this. It’s in our nature to move toward greater expression. When we’re not moving in a forward direction, we question ourselves, wondering what we’re doing with our lives—and what we’re waiting for.

And yet nothing changes.

Part of the issue is knowing where to start. The other part is fear of the unknown. Both can prevent you from committing.

The nature of commitment is in staying the course, going the distance, falling and getting back up again, continuing onward.

The question is: what are you committed to? Sometimes we mistakenly commit ourselves to the outcome without committing ourselves first to the process.

For example, I know a person who talks about the book in his head. It’s going to be a best seller.  It’s going to be made into a movie and it’s going to make him millions of dollars.

But he hasn’t even written the first chapter. He’s committed to the outcome before being committed to the process. The process would be showing up at the page. That’s the commitment.

Outcome is all about “getting there.” It’s ego based. It’s about winning the prize. Gaining the acknowledgement. Accepting the praise. Process is all about “being here”.  It’s humble, lowly, and scary.

But only by committing to the process can we arrive at the outcome.

Therein lays the commitment.

So, the question is: what are you committed to?

We want to make it a bigger question than it is, but sometimes the commitment is simply to show up. I had a teacher who used to tell me “Show up for your success.” And that was her message to me. Over and over again. If I showed up, I fulfilled my commitment.

For most of us, when we’re not advancing in some way or utilizing our full potential we feel stagnant—like we’re moving backwards, which is very much against our nature. We made an agreement with ourselves that we are here to move forward. To express. To experience. To expand.

When we’re not, we feel like we are somehow failing the commitment we have to ourselves.

But if you don’t know what you’re committed to, you can’t possibly progress. A great start is to ask yourself, “What is the one thing that would upset me if, at the end of my life, I do not attempt, do, or complete?”

If there’s an immediate answer, you must commit to that. If there’s no immediate answer, you  may be feeling an unnecessary pressure to create a great masterpiece, when in all reality, you just have to start by doodling. And let it take shape, gain momentum, and morph into an amazing creation you didn’t realize you were capable of.

All it takes to get there is commitment.

You won’t hit a home run every time you get up to swing—but that’s the only way you can create the possibility of a run. Even if you miss. Or bunt. Or strike out. Your commitment is to go through the process—not to get the perfect outcome every time. Sooner or later you’re going to get the perfect ball. Make it past first base. And join the team that will help you go all the way.

All because you got up to the plate and took hold of the bat.

The question is, are you willing? Are you willing to get in the game?

Even if it’s humbling? Even if there’s a learning curve? Even if there is no guarantee of success? Even if you’re afraid? Even if the steps seem insignificant? Even if you don’t know what you’re doing?

Are you still willing to show up? Are you still willing to move forward? Are you still willing to do it anyway?

Because that is the commitment. That’s the price of admission. That’s what it takes to make something happen.

You have to show up. In fact, your only job is to show up and continue showing up. Put one foot in front of the other and stay the course. Even if you don’t know if you’re doing it right. Even if you don’t know if you’ll ever get there. Even if you don’t know where it will lead.

The most important thing is that you’re willing to find out.

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“The sculptor produces the beautiful statue by chipping away such parts of the marble block as are not needed- it is a process of elimination.” ~Elbert Hubbard

A couple weeks back you probably wrote out a list of resolutions; that’s what people do when a new year approaches. And that’s a wonderful idea.

According to research published in the University of Scranton Journal of Clinical Psychology, people who explicitly set resolutions are 10 times more likely to reach their goals than people who don’t.

Perhaps your list addressed  multiple areas of your life–professional milestones you’d like to reach, objectives for your health and fitness, experiences you’d like to have. If you’re a blogger, you may even have listed 50 things you’d like to achieve. It’s a popular format in the world of online lists.

As impressive as all these plans look on a page–and as capable as you may be–you might find it difficult to follow through with all those good intentions.

As a culture, we tend to think more is better, but this mindset often sacrifices quality for quantity; never mind that it sets most of us up for failure. When you overwhelm yourself with plans and information you’re likely to get overwhelmed and stop before you start.

Statistically, only 64 percent of people keep moving forward with their New Years resolutions into February; and only 46 keep going beyond the 6-month mark. The rest slowly go back to what they’ve always done, perhaps recommitting when January comes again.

If you find yourself already losing steam or motivation–or if your past suggests you might do so eventually–now may be a great time to revamp that list you made.

Whittle it down to just a few key goals, making sure each of them is SMART (described in more detail here). Break each one down into small steps, and spend a little time every day working toward each of them.

Staying focused and committed to a few objectives, and achieving your desired results will be far more fulfilling than making short strides multiple directions.

You may be surprised by how rich your life feels when you do less, but do it better.

Do happy. It’s something you’re due.

Read more Do Happy tips. Photo here.

by Sonya Derian

“Don’t wait for your feelings to change to take the action. Take the action and your feelings will change.” ~Barbara Baron

A few months ago, I challenged myself with Adventure Boot Camp. I thought, “What would be more challenging than waking up at five in the morning and working out with a group of ladies for an hour, four days a week?”

And I have to say, it was tough! I couldn’t walk for 3 days.

But as the days progressed and my muscles acclimated, it occurred to me: I’m someone who can roll out of bed at 5 AM and within a half hour, lift 8-pound weights over my head while jogging a track. I didn’t know that I could do that!

That’s the thing about taking an action. You don’t know that you can do it until you do it. And then you become someone who does it.

That’s how we grow into new lives.   

How often do you stop yourself from doing something, waiting for something else to change before you move forward? You think you need to wait until you’re more prepared, knowledgeable, financially savvy, confident, secure—or insert excuse—to take the action. But then you never get to that place and never take the action. Then 5 years pass and you’re still talking about it, feeling “not ready yet.”

Sound right?

Maybe you feel a sense of urgency to step out, own your power and live our out loud, but aren’t sure what your purpose or path is. So you stop yourself because of the feelings you might confront. It’s easier if you know what you’re doing first. That lets you feel more confident moving forward. Like you won’t make a fool or yourself. Like what you’re doing is “right.”

But what if there’s never that guarantee? What if the only way to find out is by doing it? What if the only way to gain confidence is to do the thing we you’re not yet confident enough to do? What if the only way to gain knowledge is to jump in and find out what you need to learn? What if the only way to get more prepared is to prepare as much as possible, and then learn the rest as you go?

There is always something in us that knows and knows that it knows. We have an inner compass that knows the way. The only way to get feedback from this knowing is through being engaged. Not in our head. Not in our mind. Not in theory but in action. In real time.  

It’s like that game we played as kids. Someone hides something, and you go looking for it, waiting to hear “hotter” or “colder” or  maybe even “boiling hot!” as you move. Those little pieces of guidance help you figure out whether you’re getting close or not.

The only way to find that item is to start looking not. You can sit around and plan, waiting for the stars to align just right. But you won’t get any feedback until you actually start moving and looking.  

Your inner compass does the same. It will always give you feedback on what you need to know, what you need to do differently, what you need to do next—as long as you get out of your head and get moving.

Whatever it is you want to do, it starts with getting out of your comfort zone. You’re not one small person waiting to create big change. You’re a powerful person wanting to create small change. You have tremendous power to create in this world; but just like the energy vortex that exists behind an outlet, that power is useless until you plug it in.

Plug it in.

Sign up for that class. Make the call. Face your taxes. Put up that website, even if it’s not perfect. Pay for the membership—just get on board. Have the difficult conversation. Place the ad. Send off the resume. Go to that networking event. Make the introduction. Get your book-keeping in order. Dust off the manuscript. Distribute the flyer. Get rid of the clutter. Go on that date. Take the trip. Call the publisher. Make the collection call. Ask for the raise. Publish the article. Make the speech. Take the test. Schedule the visit. Call the creditors. Fill in the blank—it’s yours to determine.

Do that thing you’ve been putting off. Don’t wait for your feelings to change to take the action. Just take the action and see how your feelings change.

And remember: you are not doing this for the outcome, although there will be an outcome. You are doing this because you are the creator in your life and you have decided that now is as good a time as any to jump in.

More posts by Sonya Derian:

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by John Cardinale

“Be thankful when you don’t know something for it gives you the opportunity to learn.” -~Unknown
 
During my service in the military I had some downtime; I decided to spend it studying different forms of religion. While researching Buddhism, I came to discover meditation.

In the following weeks I dedicated much time to learning the art. After a few weeks of strenuous commitment I gave up. With high expectations going in I’d set myself up for failure.

A month later, while walking down an open back road near my home, it hit me like a freight train: I was without thought. Total clarity had consciously awakened me like a thief in the night. 
 
The world around me seemed to slow for an eternity. The landscape, the trees, the fields of green and even the pavement suddenly became bright as the stars–a high definition alternate reality of scenery I thought I knew, as I’d taken this road so many times before.

Clarity and a still mind changed my conscious perception of everything. The leaves on the trees, full of vibrancy and radiance. The wind, so underappreciated throughout my life. Beautiful in its invisibility, it surrounded every fiber of my body with its ice cold caress.

The pavement seemed to awaken; every pebble amongst the black river of tar gleamed. The sounds of nature resonated a thousand times louder than ever before.  Without thought I was capable of absorbing it all with presence and peace.
 
Though I lived in that moment with joy and glory, fear eventually snapped me back to thought. It was as if clarity felt too pure to handle for more than a few seconds.

I couldn’t help wondering: have we succumbed to living in a constant cycle of thought processes? Even while sleeping our minds stay in turmoil. Have we adapted to this way of living because society requires it? Are we so displaced from our true state of being that brief seconds submerged in purity and peace create a type of fear? 

I can only imagine how living in the moment, without constantly evaluating and analyzing, would change our perception of ourselves.

My experience showed me just how thick a blindfold was covering my conscious vision. It makes the world seem like little more than a background to our ceaseless thinking; a blurry panaroma that passes before our eyes as we focus on things that won’t really matter at the end of it all.
 
Most people don’t find enough peace amongst the chaos to live in the moment. Minute to minute, day by day, we get wrapped up in contemplation about tomorrow and the details of our lives. 

We must take back this moment. Not just to experience it, but also to discover ourselves. We are far more than the thoughts that bind us. Until we clear our heads, listen to the truest nature of things without opinion, and take in all that is, we will not find ourselves as we were meant to be.

Photo credit

by Lori Deschene

Yesterday morning, two of the correspondents on the news in Boston (where I’m home for the holidays) had an interesting conversation about the classic It’s a Wonderful Life.

One of them said he’s not a big fan of the movie, which instilled a sense of complete outrage in me.

How dare he take George Bailey’s name in vain? It’s such an inspirational film! From saving Harry’s life to finding Zuzu’s petals, every scene gets my little heart aflutter with renewed hope in our ability to make a difference and find happiness.

When the initial offense faded, I listened to what clearly-heartless news guy was saying. And he actually had a point.

The main character, George Bailey, sacrificed everything he wanted in life for the people around him. If he continued to operate in a constant state of self sacrifice, he’d likely always have regrets where other men have dreams.

And why should he not have the chance, at some point, to feel satisfaction that isn’t hinged upon having saved someone else’s life?

At the end of the movie, he receives the ultimate assurance that his life is best lived with everyone else’s interests before his own: a party where he receives all the gratitude and admiration he clearly felt had been lacking prior.

The implication seems to be that he should continue on this path because everyone’s life would have fallen apart if he didn’t come to their rescue.

The movie critique got me thinking about the sacrifices we make for other people. If you know me, you may find it off that I–ever the eternal optimist–have chosen to dissect the act of selflessness right before a holiday that often inspires it.

This is precisely why I have.

Holidays generally bring out the best in people. When we pull out the tear jerkers that remind us people care and miracles happen, we’re motivated to be the change we want to see in the world. To express and show our feelings. To care in action.

But what’s more important than an epiphany shouted from a balcony on Christmas morning is an understanding of healthy giving–both to others and ourselves–that’s sustainable all year long.

I, for one, would find this information invaluable, as I’m somewhat of a George Bailey–ever willing to consider someone else’s feelings and interests before my own. On some level it’s because I want to be kind; but often I’m motivated by the desire to feel important and useful. Or to please other people. Or even to avoid facing my own needs.

If you can relate on any level, consider these reasons to find a balance between doing for others and yourself:

Too much sacrifice can harm relationships. According to Ted Hagen, PhD, “The give and take between two people creates mutual respect. It strengthens a relationship.”

Excessive giving can create internal resentment. If you continually put everyone else first, you may eventually resent everyone for expecting so much of you–when in all reality, you had the choice to give less at any time.

Sacrificing is not always helpful. We often give because we think it’s the right thing to do; but sometimes it’s just plain not. People (children especially) need to learn to take care of themselves and to accept the world won’t always meet their every wish, whim, and need.

To truly give yourself, you need to take care of yourself. Your daily car ride may make someone’s life easier; but your bond as a healthy, happy person is far more valuable. You can only offer than if you take care of your own needs, as well.

We all deserve a life that involves doing and resisting and giving and taking and being selfish and selfless at times. I recommend the following steps to find a balance with all of the above:

1. Identify your current give/take ratio. If you’d like to find a balance you have to know how off-balance you currently are. Is it 50/50? Or 70/30?

2. Establish your reason for imbalance. Are you overextending yourself to feel powerful? Or to please everyone? You need to figure this out to address the next part.

3. Find an alternative plan. If your goal is to feel powerful and helpful, start mentoring a child on the weekend. If you’d like to be well-liked, nurture qualities and skills that attract people to you–other than your tendency to say yes. This is a far better approach to gaining respect anyway.

4. Take a piece of the pie. You can’t give everyone in your life 100%, so you likely give your parents, friends, and significant other a percentage of your energy. Consider a piece of that your own, and honor that in your choices.

5. Think of taking as another form of giving. Everything you get from giving–the people who love you will get the same if you give them a chance to reciprocate. Why not allow them the opportunity to feel helpful and important, too?

6. Take a drama-free look at your relationships. Do some people take more than give? The goal isn’t to blame, attack, or make yourself a victim; but rather to establish which relationships need to change.

7. Make attempts to repair unbalanced relationships. If the give/take ratio is off-kilter, you need to address this–either by asking for what you need when you need it, or initiating a constructive conversation. If the bond is worth saving the other person will be at least a little receptive.

8. Make a habit of expressing your needs. People won’t always anticipate them and step up to the plate, even if you operate that way. If you state your expectations, it will be easier for people to meet them. (Trust that they’ll want to! That’s how healthy relationships work.)

9. Check in without an even-Steven philosophy. You don’t need to keep an internal scorecard of how much people are doing for you; but you should feel that, on the whole, they’re there for you physically and emotionally as much as you’re there for them.

10. Ask yourself, “Would I need a George Bailey moment of gratitude and admiration to justify all I’ve sacrificed?” If the answer is yes, you know you’re not living a completely fulfilling life. One in which you look out for yourself, and honor your wants and needs as much as other people’s.

Making now the perfect time to ask yourself: how can I accept where the choices I’ve made have taken me–but make more balanced choices from here on out for a truly wonderful life?

Other posts by Lori Deschene you may enjoy:

• 5 Ways to Make a Big Difference in Someone’s Day
• 5 Rules for Life
• 2 Ways You Think Yourself Unhappy (and 10 Things to Do About It)
• 10 Ways I Know There’s Nothing Wrong with You or Me

by Lori Deschene

There’s this saying I used to love that doesn’t resonate with me anymore:

“Go big or go home.”

I understand the allure of doing big things.

Life seems more meaningful when you’re pursuing a passion that could feasibly improve life for masses of people; and at the end of the day, most of us want to create a legacy—something that lives on beyond our own ripple-in-the-ocean life spans.

I’m not arguing the benefits of going big if that’s what you want to do—especially since I have a few big plans of my own. But there are a couple of implications here I would like to debunk:

1. If you’re playing small, you’re not playing smart.

Wrong. Determine what makes you happy and gives you a sense of purpose, and then live it—whether that means finding a cure for cancer, or finding your son’s favorite toy for the fifteenth time in a day.

Play by your own rules; no one else’s.

2. If you’re not doing something big, you’re not making a difference.

Wrong. Revolutionaries like Ted Kennedy and titans like Ted Turner made massive contributions to the world, but our society also advances when parents raise well-adjusted children, and teachers inspire students to utilize their talents and overcome pressures.

Whether you have grand plans or not, I think it’s important to play small every day—even while keeping your eye on a larger goal. The little things make a huge difference, both for us and the people whose lives we touch.

Each of these small acts will make a meaningful difference in someone’s life, and hopefully fill you with joy and satisfaction:

1. Talk to an elderly person you meet waiting at the DMV or sitting on the bus. Ask him about his life, his children, the job he had before retiring.

It’s an unfortunate fact that many elderly people are isolated from society—and sometimes their families, if they have them. They crave meaningful connections and opportunities to share their passions, memories, and wisdom.

You may be surprised by what you receive when you extend that gift. But most importantly, you’ll give something small but powerful to someone who’s already given the world so much.

2. Find a blog about a topic you enjoy—one that doesn’t have any comments—and get in on the conversation.

There are over 100 million blogs on the net, about every topic under the sun. Many of those bloggers couldn’t care less about advertising revenue or thought leadership. They just want to share their passions, and hopefully connect with other people.

Your thoughtful comment could brighten their day, and reinforce that people truly are listening.

3. Ask a homeless person if there’s someone you can call for them.

Lots of homeless people have become alienated from their families, particularly the younger ones. Maybe they’re too proud to ask for help, or afraid their loved one won’t be receptive to their plea.

That pride or fear could be the biggest mistake of their life; and you could help them overcome it. If they’re not receptive, or if they truly have no one to call, just lend an ear. Perhaps in telling his story he’ll find the strength to seek help.

4. Prove someone cynical wrong.

There are a lot of people out there who believe people are basically selfish; that no one does anything just to be helpful or kind. I think that’s the saddest way to be in this world, because we generally seek evidence for the beliefs we form. Meaning it’s really difficult to reverse this perspective.

Do something completely selfless for that person. It may not change their philosophy, but maybe it will challenge it. You never know when one simple kindness will soften the anger or pain someone’s holding.

5. Tweet, “Is there anything I can do to help or support you today?”

It’s a simple question, but I’ve found it can make a significant difference.

As a direct result of asking, I’ve edited a college senior’s resume, introduced someone to his next employer, and helped a new friend name a website he started just last month (BuddhaDoes.com).

Sometimes the best way to make a difference is to open your heart and be a friend, whatever that means to the person who needs one.

The most meaningful acts are often the ones we commit without prompting or expectations.

We have such profound power when we lend an ear, a hand, or an act of kindness because it reminds the recipient that people are good. People do care. That’s what gives life meaning: the people who touch our lives, and the people whose lives we touch.

I’d love to know what you think. Have anything to add to the list?

Lori Deschene, lead contributor, lives in the San Francisco Bay Area. Read more of her posts here and follow her on Twitter @lori_deschene.

Recent posts by Lori Deschene you may enjoy:

• 20 Ways to Show You Care Without Spending a Dime
• 10 Questions to Ask Yourself Before Giving Up on Your Dream
• 40 Ways to Let Go and Feel Less Pain
• 7 Reasons to Be Happy Even if Things Aren’t Perfect Now

by Lori Deschene

“Commitment in the face of conflict produces character.” ~Unknown

We all face obstacles in pursuing our goals, whether they’re professional or personal.

We think we’re on the right track but realize we’ve chosen the wrong approach. We’re enthusiastic and hard-working, but our support system disintegrates when we need them the most. We’re just about to make significant progress when we run out of time or funding.

Tenacious as we may be, we all have our breaking points—that moment when the potential rewards stop justifying the effort. Usually that’s the hump that separates your best shot and your best reality.

Before you throw in the towel and go back to something safe and far less taxing, ask yourself the following questions:

1. Why did you want to pursue this goal to begin with—and has anything changed?

You had a good reason for committing to this plan. Maybe you visualized a financially free future once you started this new business, or you realized you’d live longer and healthier if you lost 40 pounds.

Odds are you still want those things as much as you did before; you just stopped believing you could have them because your attempts have yet to yield results. Now you have to ask yourself: if you push through the discomfort will it be worth it in the end?

2. Have you been operating with too much information?

With so much information at our fingertips on the good ole World Wide Web, it’s easy to overwhelm yourself with more knowledge than you can apply. You read e-books and blogs, participate in teleconferences and coaching sessions, and join user forums to talk about getting things done.

One of two things happen as a result: you spend more time planning to act then acting; or you devote minimal energy to multiple plans instead of committing to one solid approach. Instead of drowning in all the data, why not narrow it down and start again from a less overwhelming space?

3. Did you set a smart goal? SMART goals are:

• Specific—you know exactly what your world will look like when you achieve this goal.
• Measurable—you have a specific plan to mark your progress as you go.
• Attainable—you have the attitude and aptitude to make your goal reality.
• Realistic—you’re willing and able to do the required work.
• Time-bound—you’ve set a concrete timeframe for completion to create a sense of urgency.

If you didn’t set a SMART goal, you may have set yourself up for failure. How can you possibly make something happen if you don’t know exactly what you want, or didn’t really believe you could do it? Are you really willing to walk away when you didn’t give yourself every opportunity to succeed?

4. What’s the worst that will happen if you keep going and don’t reach your goal?

Often when I want to turn around it’s because I’m afraid of failing—afraid other people will be disappointed in me or judge me, or afraid I’ll have wasted my time. In all reality, no one ever judges us like we judge ourselves.; and we always grow and learn through the process of striving, regardless of what we attain.

If you don’t keep going, you’ll never know how far you could have gone, and you’ll miss out on being the person you’d become through the effort itself. If you do keep going, well, it’s like this quote: “Shoot for the moon, for even if you miss you’ll land among the stars.”

5. Are you afraid of succeeding?

One of my biggest problems is that I don’t like responsibility. There are many things I’d like to do, but I resist because I don’t want the power to impact, hurt, or disappoint other people. That doesn’t mean that I don’t have dreams—it’s just that I’m just scared of what achieving them will entail.

If you can relate to this feeling, perhaps you’ll respond well to the mantra I’ve been repeating: great power comes with great responsibility, but it also brings great rewards. If you play it safe, you won’t hurt or disappoint anyone, but you also won’t help or inspire anyone. And equally important, you won’t help or inspire yourself.

6. Are you acting on impulse or emotion instead of thinking things through?

Sometimes our emotions give us hints about what we want and what we should do, but other times they’re just responses to stress, and maybe even indications we’re on the right track. If you act in that moment of intense emotion—be it anger, fear, or frustration—you may regret it once the wave has passed.

So sit back. Take note of what you’re feeling. Feel it fully, without judging it or yourself. Then act when you’ve gotten to the other side. At least then you’ll know you made your decision in a moment of peace and clarity.

7. Would you enjoy giving a loved one the honest explanation for why you gave up?

And I mean honest. Would you like telling your daughter, I stopped trying to quit smoking because cigarettes are more important to me than having more golden years to spend with you? Would it be fun to tell your mother I decided not to go to school because I’d rather spend time with my boyfriend of three months then prepare for a career that will ensure I won’t end up jobless and homeless?

If you lay out it out like this, odds are you’ll realize you had a really good reason for doing this difficult thing, and no matter how challenging the process is, it’s worth plowing ahead.

8. Would your life be better if you gave up on this goal?

This may not sound motivational, but sometimes giving up is actually good thing. Perhaps you set a completely unrealistic goal, and its pursuit is filling you with a constant set of inadequacy and anxiety. Or maybe the goal isn’t in yours or your family’s best interest, and it’s better to get out before you invest so much time it’s near impossible to walk away.

You could easily use this as a justification to delude yourself, so think about it carefully. Is this goal really a good thing, when you weigh all the consequences of its fulfillment?

9. How much have you already put in?

A concept studied in social psychology called “the sunk cost principle” indicates the more we’ve invested in something, the less likely we are to prematurely walk away.

How invested are you? How much money and time have you devoted? How many sacrifices have you made? Are you really willing to chalk it all up as a loss because you’re not feeling confident in your abilities?

10. What would you tell someone else if they were in your shoes?

Would you tell your best friend to throw in the towel because she can’t possibly reach her goal? Or would you practice your finest motivational speech and help her see what you see in her potential? Unless you’re secretly a frenemy who hopes she fails in life odds are you’d push her to be her best—so why not push yourself?

It may sound kind of cheesy, but you need to be your own best friend. You, more than anyone in this world, deserve your belief and motivation.

If you’ve gone through all these questions and still feel resolute about the decision to give up, you have my blessing to abandon your goal. (Bet you feel so relieved!)

If you don’t—if there’s some lingering doubt—keep working toward that dream that fills you with passion. Take a different approach if you need to. Enlist new assistance. Scale back your time commitment to something you can more easily maintain. But whatever you do, don’t give yourself a reason to one day utter the words, “I quit because I was scared.”

Other posts by Lori Deschene you may enjoy:

• 20 Ways to Give Without Expectations
• Positive Thinking Redefined for Deeper Happiness
• How People Let Other People Compromise Their Happiness (and Part 2)

Have a story to share? Tinybuddha is looking for guest posts! Read our submission guidelines and drop us a line at email @ tinybuddha.com

by Belinda Munoz

 “Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.” ~Dalai Lama

It’s a well-known fact that the holidays bring on the blues. According to the National Mental Health Association, reasons for feeling blue around the holidays range from fatigue to financial limitations to tensions in personal relationships.

As for me, I’m generally a happy person.  I don’t dwell on things I can’t control, I have realistic expectations, I’ve learned overtime that trying to change people is futile, and I’ve even come to appreciate some of my flaws.

But sometimes, melancholy finds me.  Like a thick fog that threatens to shroud a picturesque skyline, it creeps up seemingly out of nowhere until I can no longer ignore it.

I had an experience with this recently.  After an intense couple of nights with human rights activists from Ethiopia and Russia, learning about how fiercely and fearlessly they fight to preserve the rights of citizens of their countries, I feel blessed to be in a country where much of our basic rights are intact.  Where we have a right to protest, to organize, to speak out.  Where, though many may complain, its citizens are still quite a bit more privileged than those of most other countries.

After these intense couple of days, a sadness lingered.  A sobering feeling that made me feel slightly off-balance, not-quite-myself, and a little bit powerless.

But, as I have done many times in the past, I’ve learned not to let sadness take over.  It’s not easy to do at first but, as always, a little effort goes a long way.  Here are 50+ ideas to chase the blues away:

SOLO:

1. Let the sadness in then let it pass.
2. Pray or meditate.
3. Take a nap.
4. Cry it out.  It’s cleansing, it brings a sense of relief and it releases stress hormones that can cause serious damage to brain cells.
5. Think about your favorite things.
6. Practice yoga or do any kind of exercise.
7. Retreat.  Be at peace with silence and limit outside stimuli.

GET SOCIAL:

8. Take a social media fast and instead, connect only in real time and in person.
9. Sip tea,, coffee, or wine with someone.  Ponder the depths of existentialism. Or gossip about Angelina Jolie and all her great humanitarian work.
10. Break out a cookbook, invite a friend or two over and make a meal from recipes you’ve never tried before.
11. Recall a fond memory about someone and contact that person and let that person know you remembered him/her.
12. Give a co-worker a ride home.
13. Talk to a stranger.  Ask a safe and simple question and see where it leads.  Or, share an anecdote and wait for a response.  Be open to how easily others are willing to connect.
14. Visit some blogs and leave a comment.

LOSE YOURSELF:

15. Perform an anonymous act of kindness.
16. Pop a feel-good dvd in the player and allow yourself a little veg time.
17.Do something silly and let go of self-conscious feelings.
18. Do something you wouldn’t normally do.
19. Laugh it up at an improv/comedy show.
20. Invite a little unpredictability into your life.
21. Go for a drive without a particular destination.  Feel the breeze and let your senses take in the feeling of not having a particular place to go.
22. Go sightseeing in the town where you live.

LET NATURE FILL YOUR SENSES:

23. Get outdoors.  Whether it’s a walk down a busy city street or a nature hike, there’s something about being outdoors that makes a little bit of the sadness evaporate.  Perhaps, if you’re open, you’ll notice a stranger or two smiling at you.
24. Surrender to nature and feel its immense power.
25. Watch the ripples of waves as they grow more and more intense.
26. Hug a tree and feel its strong unyielding roots.
27. If you’re an early riser like me, watch the sunrise and remind yourself that you’ll never ever see the same exact sunrise again.
28. Go surfing or go for a swim in the ocean or lake.
29. Do a little gardening.

GET CREATIVE OR IMMERSE YOURSELF IN ART:

30. Take pictures.  Channel your inner Sebastiao Salgado or Brigitte Lacombe.
31. Draw.
32. Write a song, a poem or a short story.
33. Read a classic.
34. Be in awe of a work of art.  A photograph or a painting is a good source of awe-inspiring moments that can transport you to another place and melt sadness.
35. Listen to music that moves you.
36. Sing and dance.

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF:

37. Pamper yourself by getting a mani/pedi, a facial or a massage.  It sounds indulgent but who says you don’t deserve it?
38. Plan a vacation or a simple day trip.
39. Get a haircut.
40. Make a smoothie.  Throw a whole bunch of fruits in season in a blender and nourish your body and spirit.
41. Start a new healthy habit.

GET EDUCATED:

42. Learn about a new country you haven’t visited before but have been curious about.
43. Take a class. Pottery, philosophy, business, anything.

GET BUSY:

44. Do some chores.  Purge your closet of unwanted things and donate a bag of clothes and shoes to Goodwill.  Or, de-clutter your home and clear your mind in the process.
45. Throw yourself into your work or start a new project.
46. Plan and throw a party.  Watch the sadness turn to excitement.

DO FOR OTHERS:

47. Visit a friend who’s pregnant or with a newborn baby and find out if there’s anything you can do for her.
48. Visit a sick friend and offer to pick up take out.
49. Walk your neighbor’s dog.
50. Offer to run an errand for a parent with young kids.
51. Pick up a greeting card or a present for someone.  Any chance you can focus on making someone else’s day will help brighten your day.
52. Volunteer at a soup kitchen.
53. Help wrap presents for orphans or sick children through a local charity.

You may also enjoy reading:

• Do Happy tips
• 7 Key Tips to Living a Beautiful Life
• 15 Ways to Change the World in 2010
• 40 Ways to Let Go and Feel Less Pain

Have a story to share? Tinybuddha is looking for guest posts! Read our submission guidelines and drop us a line at email @ tinybuddha.com