tinybuddha.com

by John Cardinale

“Be thankful when you don’t know something for it gives you the opportunity to learn.” -~Unknown
 
During my service in the military I had some downtime; I decided to spend it studying different forms of religion. While researching Buddhism, I came to discover meditation.

In the following weeks I dedicated much time to learning the art. After a few weeks of strenuous commitment I gave up. With high expectations going in I’d set myself up for failure.

A month later, while walking down an open back road near my home, it hit me like a freight train: I was without thought. Total clarity had consciously awakened me like a thief in the night. 
 
The world around me seemed to slow for an eternity. The landscape, the trees, the fields of green and even the pavement suddenly became bright as the stars–a high definition alternate reality of scenery I thought I knew, as I’d taken this road so many times before.

Clarity and a still mind changed my conscious perception of everything. The leaves on the trees, full of vibrancy and radiance. The wind, so underappreciated throughout my life. Beautiful in its invisibility, it surrounded every fiber of my body with its ice cold caress.

The pavement seemed to awaken; every pebble amongst the black river of tar gleamed. The sounds of nature resonated a thousand times louder than ever before.  Without thought I was capable of absorbing it all with presence and peace.
 
Though I lived in that moment with joy and glory, fear eventually snapped me back to thought. It was as if clarity felt too pure to handle for more than a few seconds.

I couldn’t help wondering: have we succumbed to living in a constant cycle of thought processes? Even while sleeping our minds stay in turmoil. Have we adapted to this way of living because society requires it? Are we so displaced from our true state of being that brief seconds submerged in purity and peace create a type of fear? 

I can only imagine how living in the moment, without constantly evaluating and analyzing, would change our perception of ourselves.

My experience showed me just how thick a blindfold was covering my conscious vision. It makes the world seem like little more than a background to our ceaseless thinking; a blurry panaroma that passes before our eyes as we focus on things that won’t really matter at the end of it all.
 
Most people don’t find enough peace amongst the chaos to live in the moment. Minute to minute, day by day, we get wrapped up in contemplation about tomorrow and the details of our lives. 

We must take back this moment. Not just to experience it, but also to discover ourselves. We are far more than the thoughts that bind us. Until we clear our heads, listen to the truest nature of things without opinion, and take in all that is, we will not find ourselves as we were meant to be.

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by Lori Deschene

Yesterday morning, two of the correspondents on the news in Boston (where I’m home for the holidays) had an interesting conversation about the classic It’s a Wonderful Life.

One of them said he’s not a big fan of the movie, which instilled a sense of complete outrage in me.

How dare he take George Bailey’s name in vain? It’s such an inspirational film! From saving Harry’s life to finding Zuzu’s petals, every scene gets my little heart aflutter with renewed hope in our ability to make a difference and find happiness.

When the initial offense faded, I listened to what clearly-heartless news guy was saying. And he actually had a point.

The main character, George Bailey, sacrificed everything he wanted in life for the people around him. If he continued to operate in a constant state of self sacrifice, he’d likely always have regrets where other men have dreams.

And why should he not have the chance, at some point, to feel satisfaction that isn’t hinged upon having saved someone else’s life?

At the end of the movie, he receives the ultimate assurance that his life is best lived with everyone else’s interests before his own: a party where he receives all the gratitude and admiration he clearly felt had been lacking prior.

The implication seems to be that he should continue on this path because everyone’s life would have fallen apart if he didn’t come to their rescue.

The movie critique got me thinking about the sacrifices we make for other people. If you know me, you may find it off that I–ever the eternal optimist–have chosen to dissect the act of selflessness right before a holiday that often inspires it.

This is precisely why I have.

Holidays generally bring out the best in people. When we pull out the tear jerkers that remind us people care and miracles happen, we’re motivated to be the change we want to see in the world. To express and show our feelings. To care in action.

But what’s more important than an epiphany shouted from a balcony on Christmas morning is an understanding of healthy giving–both to others and ourselves–that’s sustainable all year long.

I, for one, would find this information invaluable, as I’m somewhat of a George Bailey–ever willing to consider someone else’s feelings and interests before my own. On some level it’s because I want to be kind; but often I’m motivated by the desire to feel important and useful. Or to please other people. Or even to avoid facing my own needs.

If you can relate on any level, consider these reasons to find a balance between doing for others and yourself:

Too much sacrifice can harm relationships. According to Ted Hagen, PhD, “The give and take between two people creates mutual respect. It strengthens a relationship.”

Excessive giving can create internal resentment. If you continually put everyone else first, you may eventually resent everyone for expecting so much of you–when in all reality, you had the choice to give less at any time.

Sacrificing is not always helpful. We often give because we think it’s the right thing to do; but sometimes it’s just plain not. People (children especially) need to learn to take care of themselves and to accept the world won’t always meet their every wish, whim, and need.

To truly give yourself, you need to take care of yourself. Your daily car ride may make someone’s life easier; but your bond as a healthy, happy person is far more valuable. You can only offer than if you take care of your own needs, as well.

We all deserve a life that involves doing and resisting and giving and taking and being selfish and selfless at times. I recommend the following steps to find a balance with all of the above:

1. Identify your current give/take ratio. If you’d like to find a balance you have to know how off-balance you currently are. Is it 50/50? Or 70/30?

2. Establish your reason for imbalance. Are you overextending yourself to feel powerful? Or to please everyone? You need to figure this out to address the next part.

3. Find an alternative plan. If your goal is to feel powerful and helpful, start mentoring a child on the weekend. If you’d like to be well-liked, nurture qualities and skills that attract people to you–other than your tendency to say yes. This is a far better approach to gaining respect anyway.

4. Take a piece of the pie. You can’t give everyone in your life 100%, so you likely give your parents, friends, and significant other a percentage of your energy. Consider a piece of that your own, and honor that in your choices.

5. Think of taking as another form of giving. Everything you get from giving–the people who love you will get the same if you give them a chance to reciprocate. Why not allow them the opportunity to feel helpful and important, too?

6. Take a drama-free look at your relationships. Do some people take more than give? The goal isn’t to blame, attack, or make yourself a victim; but rather to establish which relationships need to change.

7. Make attempts to repair unbalanced relationships. If the give/take ratio is off-kilter, you need to address this–either by asking for what you need when you need it, or initiating a constructive conversation. If the bond is worth saving the other person will be at least a little receptive.

8. Make a habit of expressing your needs. People won’t always anticipate them and step up to the plate, even if you operate that way. If you state your expectations, it will be easier for people to meet them. (Trust that they’ll want to! That’s how healthy relationships work.)

9. Check in without an even-Steven philosophy. You don’t need to keep an internal scorecard of how much people are doing for you; but you should feel that, on the whole, they’re there for you physically and emotionally as much as you’re there for them.

10. Ask yourself, “Would I need a George Bailey moment of gratitude and admiration to justify all I’ve sacrificed?” If the answer is yes, you know you’re not living a completely fulfilling life. One in which you look out for yourself, and honor your wants and needs as much as other people’s.

Making now the perfect time to ask yourself: how can I accept where the choices I’ve made have taken me–but make more balanced choices from here on out for a truly wonderful life?

Other posts by Lori Deschene you may enjoy:

• 5 Ways to Make a Big Difference in Someone’s Day
• 5 Rules for Life
• 2 Ways You Think Yourself Unhappy (and 10 Things to Do About It)
• 10 Ways I Know There’s Nothing Wrong with You or Me

by Dominic Ross

“My religion is very simple. My religion is kindness.” ~Dalai Lama

I’ve been thinking a lot about religion recently. Mainly because we are looking at getting our new son, Ashley, Baptized at the church we got married in.

The main hiccup is that since we got married, and we baptized our first son, I have become a Buddhist (or at the least, interested in Buddhism). When we told the minister we wanted Ashley baptized, he wanted to meet with us to discuss it.

We went to his house and chatted about the process, and the concept behind it. Did you know the difference between a Christening and a Baptism? I didn’t, till our chat with the minister. Anyway, one thing he said was that he believed that if we wanted to do this properly, we should believe in what we are saying during the baptism.

Very wise, I thought. But here in lay the problem: The questions asked by the minister to the parents were questions like “Do you believe in one true god” and “will you bring him up in the Christian faith”. A little difficult if you’re Buddhist…

We were asked to go and have a think about it. That was almost two weeks ago.

I finally got round to re reading the service sheets the minister leant us this morning. My aim was to see if I could, with integrity, answer yes to all the questions the minister would ask me in front of my family, the congregation and, ultimately, God.

My wife is a strong Methodist, and really wants both boys baptized. We’re ok with Joe, but my ‘recent’ change of faith could jeopardize that for Ashley. So I looked at all the questions:

1. Do you believe in one God – The creator of all and our Heavenly father?”

Yes, I do. I just don’t follow him anymore.

2. Do you believe that God revealed his love to us in our Lord Jesus Christ, and through his death and resurrection offered us forgiveness of sin and a place in his family?

Yes, I do. That is the basis for the Christian faith.

3. Do you believe in the Holy Spirit who make’s God’s life, truth and love real in our lives, empowering us to live as his children?

Yes, I do. I only need to look at the packed church on Sundays, and my Wife’s joy of being there, with her boys to see that.

So far, so good. Next questions:

4. Will you love him, committing yourself to care for him in body, mind and spirit?

I wouldn’t have become a father otherwise.

5. Will you therefore, ensure that he is brought up in the faith and life of the Christian community?

If that is my wife’s wish, then yes, of course.

6. Will you, by your words, prayers and actions, set before him a Christian example, so that he will be encouraged to put his faith and trust in the Lord Jesus Christ?

What is so different from a Christian example and a Buddhist example? The ten commandments, the Buddhist precepts, they’re both very similar.

Suddenly, I wasn’t so worried about letting my wife down. It struck me that all religion—be it Christian, Buddhist, Muslim, Jewish or Sikh—have the same basic principles. They may differ in many areas (and if they didn’t, we wouldn’t have such wonderful variety in this world), but on the basic core, they are very similar.

I was suddenly reminded by a new website I follow, Tinybuddha, of a quote by his Holiness the Dalai Lama. He is famed for saying

“My religion is very simple. My religion is kindness.”

And in reality, all religion is kindness. The sad things that happen “in the name of” religion are due to misunderstanding and misrepresentation.

But think of all the wonderful things that happened in the name of religion! I once thought Gandhi was clearly a Buddhist; however, Gandhi was a committed Hindu. He led his protest against the British with a concept that is easily interchangeable between Hinduism, Christianity, Buddhism and all other religions or faith systems: Love.

Which is exactly what I will use to bring up my sons, no matter what faith they have.

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