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by Jamie Hoang 

“You can do what’s reasonable or you can decide what’s possible.” ~Unknown

When I was in grade school I remember my teacher had us write down what we wanted to be when we grew up. Honestly, at the time I had no idea. I didn’t know exactly what I wanted to be, but I knew I wanted to be doing something important so I jotted down careers that, in my young mind, equaled success: doctor, lawyer, dolphin trainer, firefighter, astronaut etc.

Then life happened and all of a sudden I was 24, working for the man, and in a serious relationship that seemed to leave me feeling miserable more often than not. Where was that wide-eyed little girl who could have been anything? 

I was at the point in my life where I actually had to make a decision about who I wanted to be. I could be a writer and share my wisdom with the world—but wait, what wisdom do I have? I had no great life changing stories or lessons that others could learn from. I was ordinary and borderline boring.

Not wanting to be such a dull person, I felt a sudden thirst for knowledge, but not the kind you get from textbooks. Real world knowledge. I needed to travel.

The rational/reasonable side of my brain told me that I was being ridiculous. I couldn’t travel! I barely made enough to cover my monthly expenses! The reasonable thing would have been to find a higher paying job so that I could actually save some money for travel. But who was I kidding? A higher paying job just leads to a nicer apartment, finer dining, and twice as many bills. 

As luck would have it, a friend of mine was planning a trip to Machu Picchu in the winter and was looking for a travel companion. Without hesitation I hoped on Expedia.com and before I knew it I had purchased a round trip ticket to Peru.

I found someone to sublet my LA apartment for the month, used vacation days so as to still collect a paycheck, and traveled to Peru spending the same amount of money as I would have spent on my daily living expenses.

Sometimes it is best to make a spontaneous leap, throwing reason out the window, believing you will land on your two feet. 

Think about speeding ticket. Who has money reserved to pay for speeding tickets? No one—but when you get that ticket, somehow you manage to scrape together money to pay the fine, right?  Think along those same lines and your trip becomes nothing more than a very large traffic fine (or four, if you decide to travel to Europe).

That being said, I am not advocating being irresponsible. It’s just that where’ there’s a will, there’s usually a way.

In one year I traveled to: San Francisco, Washington DC, Peru, Jamaica, Thailand, Cambodia, Vietnam, London, and Paris. Phew, that’s a mouthful!

I know what you’re thinking; I must be miss moneybags, with wealthy parents or a trust fund. I’m not. I don’t have any financial assistance whatsoever and I made $24k this past year. How did I do it? I made the leap and then was forced to cut out the unnecessary minor luxuries a normal 24 year old would have. No $70 bar tabs, no cable TV, a downgraded cell phone plan, cooking at home, packing a lunch—all of these small things add up.

We have all kinds of reasons for why we can’t do things but I think you will find that when you take that sharp turn towards something you really want, you will figure out how to make the rest of your life fall into place.

So do yourself a favor and issue yourself a “life” ticket. You can find a way.

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by Sonya Derian

“More powerful than the will to win is the courage to begin.” ~Unknown

I’ve spoken with a number of people recently who are doing something that is “just okay” with their lives but who really want to be doing something else. They feel an urgency to break free and go for it, even though they haven’t defined “it.”

I think a lot of people, if not currently there, understand this. It’s in our nature to move toward greater expression. When we’re not moving in a forward direction, we question ourselves, wondering what we’re doing with our lives—and what we’re waiting for.

And yet nothing changes.

Part of the issue is knowing where to start. The other part is fear of the unknown. Both can prevent you from committing.

The nature of commitment is in staying the course, going the distance, falling and getting back up again, continuing onward.

The question is: what are you committed to? Sometimes we mistakenly commit ourselves to the outcome without committing ourselves first to the process.

For example, I know a person who talks about the book in his head. It’s going to be a best seller.  It’s going to be made into a movie and it’s going to make him millions of dollars.

But he hasn’t even written the first chapter. He’s committed to the outcome before being committed to the process. The process would be showing up at the page. That’s the commitment.

Outcome is all about “getting there.” It’s ego based. It’s about winning the prize. Gaining the acknowledgement. Accepting the praise. Process is all about “being here”.  It’s humble, lowly, and scary.

But only by committing to the process can we arrive at the outcome.

Therein lays the commitment.

So, the question is: what are you committed to?

We want to make it a bigger question than it is, but sometimes the commitment is simply to show up. I had a teacher who used to tell me “Show up for your success.” And that was her message to me. Over and over again. If I showed up, I fulfilled my commitment.

For most of us, when we’re not advancing in some way or utilizing our full potential we feel stagnant—like we’re moving backwards, which is very much against our nature. We made an agreement with ourselves that we are here to move forward. To express. To experience. To expand.

When we’re not, we feel like we are somehow failing the commitment we have to ourselves.

But if you don’t know what you’re committed to, you can’t possibly progress. A great start is to ask yourself, “What is the one thing that would upset me if, at the end of my life, I do not attempt, do, or complete?”

If there’s an immediate answer, you must commit to that. If there’s no immediate answer, you  may be feeling an unnecessary pressure to create a great masterpiece, when in all reality, you just have to start by doodling. And let it take shape, gain momentum, and morph into an amazing creation you didn’t realize you were capable of.

All it takes to get there is commitment.

You won’t hit a home run every time you get up to swing—but that’s the only way you can create the possibility of a run. Even if you miss. Or bunt. Or strike out. Your commitment is to go through the process—not to get the perfect outcome every time. Sooner or later you’re going to get the perfect ball. Make it past first base. And join the team that will help you go all the way.

All because you got up to the plate and took hold of the bat.

The question is, are you willing? Are you willing to get in the game?

Even if it’s humbling? Even if there’s a learning curve? Even if there is no guarantee of success? Even if you’re afraid? Even if the steps seem insignificant? Even if you don’t know what you’re doing?

Are you still willing to show up? Are you still willing to move forward? Are you still willing to do it anyway?

Because that is the commitment. That’s the price of admission. That’s what it takes to make something happen.

You have to show up. In fact, your only job is to show up and continue showing up. Put one foot in front of the other and stay the course. Even if you don’t know if you’re doing it right. Even if you don’t know if you’ll ever get there. Even if you don’t know where it will lead.

The most important thing is that you’re willing to find out.

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“Could a greater miracle take place than for us to look through each other’s eyes for a minute?” ~Henry David Thoreau

You’re riding on the subway, immersed in a book. You’re running in the park, lost in your iPod. You’re waiting in line at Starbucks, fixated on the menu.

Sometimes we act like we’re completely alone, even when  surrounded by lots of people. It’s like we’re following an unspoken rule that suggests we shouldn’t look at each other, at least not for too long.

It happens all the time: you suddenly make eye contact with someone you don’t know, and your discomfort compels you to avert your eyes. If you do manage a smile, it’s probably perfunctory, without real joy and affection behind it. Those are emotions you reserve for people you  know–people you’re more intimate with.

Some studies have indicated people who live in cities are less apt to make eye contact with strangers than people who live in suburbs. This may be a response to crowding; when you feel you don’t have enough personal space, you’re more protective of it.

If there’s truth to that hypothesis, it’s somewhat ironic. You move to a city to experience the life that pulsates through it; and respond by shutting down in everyday situations.

Resist the urge to shutdown. Instead of walking with your eyes glued to your feet, hold your head high and connect with people. Really see them and let them see you. If you’re not a confident person, connecting for more than one second may feel incredibly difficult. Just try.

When you make a genuine connection you acknowledge the person in front of you is real and worthy. You remind both them and yourself that no one operates in a vacuum. That the world is so much larger than the constructs we operate within: our families, our teams at work, our friends. And lastly, you foster the type of spirit that stays open to possibilities.

When you look a little longer you see more–more in other people, more within yourself, and more within your reach. 

Do happy. It’s something you’re due.

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by Lori Deschene

“Uncertainty is the only certainty there is, and knowing how to live with insecurity is the only security.” ~John Allen Paulos

I used to love uncertainty. I wandered my way all around this country with little more than a suitcase and a journal. Committing to anything felt limiting, suffocating even.

One day I realized it wasn’t enlightenment that pushed me to embrace the unknown; it was a paralyzing fear of creating something certain. You can’t disappoint people when you don’t form relationships with them, and you can’t fail when you never start.

So one day I decided to do the scariest things I could imagine: settle into one place, get a steady job, and start forming real relationships.

Which lasted for a while until the economic meltdown rocked my world. Now I’m back in a place of uncertainty, like so many other people.

Almost everyone I know has had to make at least a few changes to their life because of the economy. People have lost their jobs, homes, and in some cases, their sense of identity.

It’s both terrifying and exciting to have a blank page in front of you. Sometimes we need reminders to see it as the latter.

Here’s how I’m learning to let go without losing what I felt I’ve gained these past few years:

1. Consider the idea of permanent uncertainty.

Certainty is actually just an illusion. Think about it: is there ever a time when you know for sure how things will unfold? Even with the best preparation, you can’t control everything in the universe. Job security is subject to industry and company shifts. Relationships transform as people grow and change how they see the world and what they want out of it.

There are never any guarantees—even when you think you have it all figured out. When you don’t know what the future will hold, you’re actually dealing with life as it always is: yours to live and create moment by moment, day by day.

2. Stop waiting for something external.

In a post on Raptitude, David wrote about the theatrical convention known as Deus ex machina—or “God in a Machine.” As David explains, it’s “a reference to the ancient playwright Euripedes’ dubious habit of using a pulley system to lower an actor dressed up as God onto the stage, to solve the problems of the characters and wrap up the story.”

We often wait for our own Deus ex machina in life—a big break, a soul mate who makes us feel complete. This allows us to believe there is something good down the line instead of actively creating that something. The only sense of certainty we can experience in life is the result of our own efforts. That’s actually an empowering thought if you think about it.

3. See the benefits of releasing attachment.

If you’ve formed an attachment to something, odds are you’ve decided it’s a necessary component to your desired life—the home where you feel safe, the relationship that gives you love and support. Now look at it from a different perspective: when you are attached to less, you open yourself up to more than you can imagine.

For example, I had to give up my apartment. I could have held onto the past, wishing I didn’t have to leave, or feel excitement about the potential for something even better. Corny but true: a flower can’t grow if it clings to its roots.

4. Reconnect with the constants in your life.

Even though there are no guarantees, you likely have a few constants that won’t change in the near future: your health, your mental capacity, your family and friends. At the end of the day, nothing matters without these things. You can have the best house in the world, but it becomes a prison if you’re alone. Your job may offer a million perks, but you won’t enjoy them if you’re not strong in mind and body.

Focus on those gifts–because that’s what they are. Even thinking about my gratitude gives me a profound sense of strength and humility. Two things I need right now.

5. Accept constant imperfection.

I think a lot of people have this illusion that someday everything will be OK. One day they’ll have the home, the relationship, the career, the status, and from then on it will be smooth sailing. I know if I’ve indulged this fantasy. This causes us to metaphorically hold our breath, waiting for that moment when we’re finally able to be happy.

If we can accept, however, that things will never be perfect—that we’ll gain, and lose, and grow, and regress, and smile, and cry, and learn, and forget—we’ll be better able to embrace the present moment. We are all ever-changing works in progress, and so are the lives we lead.

No matter how much you’ve learned or how strong you’ve become, on any given day, you could allow your emotions to get the better of you. Applying knowledge never gets easy; it always takes strength, humility, and mindfulness to be truly present and to forge ahead despite your fear. I’m working on that today. Can you relate?

Recent posts by Lori Deschene:

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by Sonya Derian

“Don’t wait for your feelings to change to take the action. Take the action and your feelings will change.” ~Barbara Baron

A few months ago, I challenged myself with Adventure Boot Camp. I thought, “What would be more challenging than waking up at five in the morning and working out with a group of ladies for an hour, four days a week?”

And I have to say, it was tough! I couldn’t walk for 3 days.

But as the days progressed and my muscles acclimated, it occurred to me: I’m someone who can roll out of bed at 5 AM and within a half hour, lift 8-pound weights over my head while jogging a track. I didn’t know that I could do that!

That’s the thing about taking an action. You don’t know that you can do it until you do it. And then you become someone who does it.

That’s how we grow into new lives.   

How often do you stop yourself from doing something, waiting for something else to change before you move forward? You think you need to wait until you’re more prepared, knowledgeable, financially savvy, confident, secure—or insert excuse—to take the action. But then you never get to that place and never take the action. Then 5 years pass and you’re still talking about it, feeling “not ready yet.”

Sound right?

Maybe you feel a sense of urgency to step out, own your power and live our out loud, but aren’t sure what your purpose or path is. So you stop yourself because of the feelings you might confront. It’s easier if you know what you’re doing first. That lets you feel more confident moving forward. Like you won’t make a fool or yourself. Like what you’re doing is “right.”

But what if there’s never that guarantee? What if the only way to find out is by doing it? What if the only way to gain confidence is to do the thing we you’re not yet confident enough to do? What if the only way to gain knowledge is to jump in and find out what you need to learn? What if the only way to get more prepared is to prepare as much as possible, and then learn the rest as you go?

There is always something in us that knows and knows that it knows. We have an inner compass that knows the way. The only way to get feedback from this knowing is through being engaged. Not in our head. Not in our mind. Not in theory but in action. In real time.  

It’s like that game we played as kids. Someone hides something, and you go looking for it, waiting to hear “hotter” or “colder” or  maybe even “boiling hot!” as you move. Those little pieces of guidance help you figure out whether you’re getting close or not.

The only way to find that item is to start looking not. You can sit around and plan, waiting for the stars to align just right. But you won’t get any feedback until you actually start moving and looking.  

Your inner compass does the same. It will always give you feedback on what you need to know, what you need to do differently, what you need to do next—as long as you get out of your head and get moving.

Whatever it is you want to do, it starts with getting out of your comfort zone. You’re not one small person waiting to create big change. You’re a powerful person wanting to create small change. You have tremendous power to create in this world; but just like the energy vortex that exists behind an outlet, that power is useless until you plug it in.

Plug it in.

Sign up for that class. Make the call. Face your taxes. Put up that website, even if it’s not perfect. Pay for the membership—just get on board. Have the difficult conversation. Place the ad. Send off the resume. Go to that networking event. Make the introduction. Get your book-keeping in order. Dust off the manuscript. Distribute the flyer. Get rid of the clutter. Go on that date. Take the trip. Call the publisher. Make the collection call. Ask for the raise. Publish the article. Make the speech. Take the test. Schedule the visit. Call the creditors. Fill in the blank—it’s yours to determine.

Do that thing you’ve been putting off. Don’t wait for your feelings to change to take the action. Just take the action and see how your feelings change.

And remember: you are not doing this for the outcome, although there will be an outcome. You are doing this because you are the creator in your life and you have decided that now is as good a time as any to jump in.

More posts by Sonya Derian:

• Lessons on the Trapeze: The Art of Making Things Happen
• 5 Ways to Let Go of Resistance

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by Sonya Derian

“Never ignore a gut feeling. But never believe it’s enough.” ~Robert Heller

A couple months ago when I was almost done producing a teleseminar and spending way too much time hunched over at the computer, I decided to do something different. Something that would bring me joy, that would get take me out of my normal environment and actually excite me. So, I did what had been on my list to do for a long time.

I went flying.

I didn’t know what to expect making the 45 minute trek out to the Sonoma County hills to fly on a trapeze. I just knew I had been wanting to do it for a while and it was closer than then the outfit I’d been considering in Texas (that was also outdoors). 

I also knew I had to go because just the thought of flying through the trees excited me more than anything I had done in a really long time.

So I made the trek by myself because no one wanted to join me, and I figured why wait? I was greeted by, what I learned, was a core group of women who met there every weekend.

One of the women who was in her 70’s comes as often as she can. She was flying through the sky doing twists without a harness (she got her pilot’s license in her 60’s, which gives you a clue about her!)

Another woman was a single mom who came with her son every weekend and made this her retreat.

Marek, the owner or Trapeze Pro explained the rules of flying:

“Smile and listen. Those are the only two rules you need to follow to excel at the trapeze.” 

I kept waiting to hear more. Smile and listen? That’s it? How do those apply?

But when I was on the trapeze it was interesting how those two commands helped  me glide through the air. When I listened and took action just when they told me to, grace would take over and my move through the air would be effortless.

When I was driving home, I realized how these two commands also apply to life.  

The purpose of the smile command is to let go of resistance.

When you’re taking on anything new where fear can creep in–like flying on a trapeze–you have to find a way to tell your fear that you are okay, that this is okay. That you’re going to be fine. To smile is a decision; and in making this deliberate decision, you’re setting the tone of your own experience.

This reminds me of a wise teacher I once had. Whenever I’d complain about something I had to do but didn’t want to, she would tell me: Change your mind.

Decide you want to do it. Decide there is something in it for you. Decide that you are going to have a good time doing it. And invariably, I would, but it put me, not my circumstances, in charge of that decision. I think the same concept goes for the smile.  

The listen command, was more interesting. Darrel, a part of the team that was holding the ropes on the ground, was watching us fly and timing our actions. 

We were supposed to listen for his cue to bring our legs over the bar, because from his vantage point, he knew the precise moment when the wind would be at my back and grace would take over.

Outside of the trapeze world, this listen command is relevant because our intuition–our higher guidance, the universe, whatever you want to call it–has a similar vantage point.

It’s at ground control wanting to assist us in our forward momentum. It knows what we want and the quickest route to get there. We get the hunches, we get the cues, we get the nudges–but how often do we follow them?  

When Darrel was giving me instruction from below, I kept questioning him.

“Now?” I’d ask.

“Yes, now“, he’d say. Then, he’d say, “Okay, now swing the legs back and forth.”

And I’d repeat, “Swing my legs back and forth? How do I do that?” 

He’d say, “Yes, Sonya, back and forth. Just as it sounds, back and forth”.

And I’d say, “Now?”

And he’d say, “Yes, Now!”

When I finally made it through (it was my first time), and safely landed on the net, he came up from under me and said, jokingly, “It wasn’t supposed to be a debate, Sonya”.

But isn’t this what we do with our own guidance? We debate it to death, rationalize all the reasons why it’s not sound advice, and then avoid taking action.

With trapeze, the command is not listen as in enjoy the music. It’s Listen and take action. Follow my lead and you will succeed.

If you think about it, these two commands are pretty good barometers of success off of the trapeze. People who have mastered their fears, let go of their resistance and allowed grace to assist them by following their own internal cues, are leading very successful lives.

Smile and Listen. Let go of resistance so that you can hear your internal guidance and follow its lead. Let grace take over and the wind be at your back.  

In other words, you’re looking for forward momentum. Like flying.

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“It is never too late. Even if you are going to die tomorrow, keep yourself straight and clear and be a happy human being today.” -Lama Yeshe

There’s a common misconception that there comes a point when it’s too late to do things you want to do. Maybe one of these statements sounds familiar to you:

“I can’t become a designer. I’m far too old to change my career path.”

“I’ll never get married. It’s too late in the game for that.”

“I couldn’t possibly start yoga. That’s for people much younger than me.”

We choose arbitrary windows of time when we imagine we should have tried something, and then believe it’s not possible once those days have past.

The saddest part of this way of thinking is that we’re generally right. Not because it can’t be done; but because we can only do what we believe we can.

If you don’t think it’s possible to begin a new profession, you won’t take a training course, send out resumes, or make the connections you need to succeed.

If you don’t believe it’s possible to fall in love, you likely won’t put yourself out there, and open your heart to let someone in.

If you don’t think your body can get stronger and more flexible, you’ll stay on your couch instead of trying a class, going to the next one, and being patient with your progress.

Instead of doing the things that would make you feel alive and proud of yourself, you’ll simply sit back–feeling frustrated, regretful, and maybe even a little jealous of other people who make their own rules.

Barring physical limitations, it is never too late–for anything. No matter what you did yesterday, or what type of person you’ve been, you can wake up today and decide who you want to be. Don’t think about as changing. Think about as living this moment as you want to.

You may not accomplish in your remaining time what someone who started decades earlier will. But you won’t accomplish anything if you refuse to start. And more importantly, with each day that passes, you’ll feel a greater disconnect between the life you’re living and the life you dream about.

Get started. Take a small step. What you’re seeking isn’t necessarily the end goal you think you need years to reach. It’s a life aligned with who you want to be. You can be that person right now.

Do happy. It’s something you’re due.

Photo credit

Other Do Happy tips you may enjoy:

• Celebrate a Non-Event
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by Lori Deschene

“Commitment in the face of conflict produces character.” ~Unknown

We all face obstacles in pursuing our goals, whether they’re professional or personal.

We think we’re on the right track but realize we’ve chosen the wrong approach. We’re enthusiastic and hard-working, but our support system disintegrates when we need them the most. We’re just about to make significant progress when we run out of time or funding.

Tenacious as we may be, we all have our breaking points—that moment when the potential rewards stop justifying the effort. Usually that’s the hump that separates your best shot and your best reality.

Before you throw in the towel and go back to something safe and far less taxing, ask yourself the following questions:

1. Why did you want to pursue this goal to begin with—and has anything changed?

You had a good reason for committing to this plan. Maybe you visualized a financially free future once you started this new business, or you realized you’d live longer and healthier if you lost 40 pounds.

Odds are you still want those things as much as you did before; you just stopped believing you could have them because your attempts have yet to yield results. Now you have to ask yourself: if you push through the discomfort will it be worth it in the end?

2. Have you been operating with too much information?

With so much information at our fingertips on the good ole World Wide Web, it’s easy to overwhelm yourself with more knowledge than you can apply. You read e-books and blogs, participate in teleconferences and coaching sessions, and join user forums to talk about getting things done.

One of two things happen as a result: you spend more time planning to act then acting; or you devote minimal energy to multiple plans instead of committing to one solid approach. Instead of drowning in all the data, why not narrow it down and start again from a less overwhelming space?

3. Did you set a smart goal? SMART goals are:

• Specific—you know exactly what your world will look like when you achieve this goal.
• Measurable—you have a specific plan to mark your progress as you go.
• Attainable—you have the attitude and aptitude to make your goal reality.
• Realistic—you’re willing and able to do the required work.
• Time-bound—you’ve set a concrete timeframe for completion to create a sense of urgency.

If you didn’t set a SMART goal, you may have set yourself up for failure. How can you possibly make something happen if you don’t know exactly what you want, or didn’t really believe you could do it? Are you really willing to walk away when you didn’t give yourself every opportunity to succeed?

4. What’s the worst that will happen if you keep going and don’t reach your goal?

Often when I want to turn around it’s because I’m afraid of failing—afraid other people will be disappointed in me or judge me, or afraid I’ll have wasted my time. In all reality, no one ever judges us like we judge ourselves.; and we always grow and learn through the process of striving, regardless of what we attain.

If you don’t keep going, you’ll never know how far you could have gone, and you’ll miss out on being the person you’d become through the effort itself. If you do keep going, well, it’s like this quote: “Shoot for the moon, for even if you miss you’ll land among the stars.”

5. Are you afraid of succeeding?

One of my biggest problems is that I don’t like responsibility. There are many things I’d like to do, but I resist because I don’t want the power to impact, hurt, or disappoint other people. That doesn’t mean that I don’t have dreams—it’s just that I’m just scared of what achieving them will entail.

If you can relate to this feeling, perhaps you’ll respond well to the mantra I’ve been repeating: great power comes with great responsibility, but it also brings great rewards. If you play it safe, you won’t hurt or disappoint anyone, but you also won’t help or inspire anyone. And equally important, you won’t help or inspire yourself.

6. Are you acting on impulse or emotion instead of thinking things through?

Sometimes our emotions give us hints about what we want and what we should do, but other times they’re just responses to stress, and maybe even indications we’re on the right track. If you act in that moment of intense emotion—be it anger, fear, or frustration—you may regret it once the wave has passed.

So sit back. Take note of what you’re feeling. Feel it fully, without judging it or yourself. Then act when you’ve gotten to the other side. At least then you’ll know you made your decision in a moment of peace and clarity.

7. Would you enjoy giving a loved one the honest explanation for why you gave up?

And I mean honest. Would you like telling your daughter, I stopped trying to quit smoking because cigarettes are more important to me than having more golden years to spend with you? Would it be fun to tell your mother I decided not to go to school because I’d rather spend time with my boyfriend of three months then prepare for a career that will ensure I won’t end up jobless and homeless?

If you lay out it out like this, odds are you’ll realize you had a really good reason for doing this difficult thing, and no matter how challenging the process is, it’s worth plowing ahead.

8. Would your life be better if you gave up on this goal?

This may not sound motivational, but sometimes giving up is actually good thing. Perhaps you set a completely unrealistic goal, and its pursuit is filling you with a constant set of inadequacy and anxiety. Or maybe the goal isn’t in yours or your family’s best interest, and it’s better to get out before you invest so much time it’s near impossible to walk away.

You could easily use this as a justification to delude yourself, so think about it carefully. Is this goal really a good thing, when you weigh all the consequences of its fulfillment?

9. How much have you already put in?

A concept studied in social psychology called “the sunk cost principle” indicates the more we’ve invested in something, the less likely we are to prematurely walk away.

How invested are you? How much money and time have you devoted? How many sacrifices have you made? Are you really willing to chalk it all up as a loss because you’re not feeling confident in your abilities?

10. What would you tell someone else if they were in your shoes?

Would you tell your best friend to throw in the towel because she can’t possibly reach her goal? Or would you practice your finest motivational speech and help her see what you see in her potential? Unless you’re secretly a frenemy who hopes she fails in life odds are you’d push her to be her best—so why not push yourself?

It may sound kind of cheesy, but you need to be your own best friend. You, more than anyone in this world, deserve your belief and motivation.

If you’ve gone through all these questions and still feel resolute about the decision to give up, you have my blessing to abandon your goal. (Bet you feel so relieved!)

If you don’t—if there’s some lingering doubt—keep working toward that dream that fills you with passion. Take a different approach if you need to. Enlist new assistance. Scale back your time commitment to something you can more easily maintain. But whatever you do, don’t give yourself a reason to one day utter the words, “I quit because I was scared.”

Other posts by Lori Deschene you may enjoy:

• 20 Ways to Give Without Expectations
• Positive Thinking Redefined for Deeper Happiness
• How People Let Other People Compromise Their Happiness (and Part 2)

Have a story to share? Tinybuddha is looking for guest posts! Read our submission guidelines and drop us a line at email @ tinybuddha.com

by Lori Deschene

It’s just not that simple. That’s what I thought when someone first told me happiness is a choice.

But there’s so much more to it, I thought. There’s all the stuff I’d like to accomplish, but just can’t seem to get done. There are all the things I’d like to learn, and places I’d like to go. There are all the people I want to know–people I want to impress and please.

Those ideas inspired this series on happiness, starting with a post about dwelling on the past and worrying about the future; next tackling ways to be happy, even though things aren’t perfect now; and most recently addressing the different ways we let other people compromise our joy.

Today’s post is the second in a series about other people. In the first, I mentioned two ways you might let them dictate your happiness: by blaming others for everything that’s wrong with your life, or by overextending yourself trying to make everyone else happy.

You may also challenge your happiness by:

Comparing Yourself to Other People

“We’re the same age but he’s a CEO—and I’m just a salesman.”

“I’m not as outgoing as she is. She has more connections, so she’ll go further in life.”

“I wish I had a house like his. It’s hard to be happy when you live in a shoebox.”

No matter what you attain, it’s not enough. Someone else has more. No matter what you achieve, you feel dissatisfied. Other people have done better. It’s painful to walk around competing with everyone, feeling a constant sense of disappointment in yourself. Comparing yourself to others is a losing battle because it’s a habit you likely won’t break, even once you achieve what you think you need to be happy.

What to Do About It:

1. Realize everyone has to deal with judgment. Oftentimes when you compare yourself to others, you’re focused on how it looks to other people. The successful guy looks more impressive. Or the attractive woman looks more desirable. Everyone has to deal with judgment on some level. That successful guy may walk around thinking the world thinks he’s selfish. No one’s life looks perfect.

2. Rethink the idea of “better.” It never feels good to think someone’s better than you. But really, it’s not that black and white. It’s not a clear hierarchy from failure to success. We all have our own definition of success and happiness. If you’re doing what you enjoy and living by your own code, you have every reason to be proud of yourself. The only better you need to be is better than your yesterday.

3. Focus on your own journey. Do you even want to be a CEO? Do you like being the center of attention? Usually when we envy other people it’s because we’re not happy with ourselves—not because we want what they have. What do you really want? How can you start working toward it today? When you take a small step toward being who you want to be you feel less dissatisfied with your life.

Cutting Yourself off from Other People

“I’m not someone who needs people. I do just fine on my own.”

“Thanks for the invite, but I have to…shampoo my hair. And catch up on The Office.”

“I won’t know anyone there so I think I’ll pass. We’ll catch up some other time.”

You don’t let people in easily. People know you, but very few people know you—your dreams, your passions, your obsession with The Smurfs (or insert other quirky you-ism—we all have them.) Most people in your life feel like acquaintances or strangers. You suspect deeper relationships could make everything more fulfilling. But it’s scary opening up. You’re not even sure where to begin–or how.

What to Do About It:

1. Identify the cause of your disconnection. This is obviously more complex that a few sentences can summarize, but it’s a crucial first step. If you’re aware your loner mentality leaves you feeling like an outsider watching life happen to other people, the first step is to figure out why you’ve created this situation. What are you afraid of? What are you hiding from? Or what is it you’re hiding from other people? What makes you say no when someone tries to open up your world?

2. Weigh the pros and cons of separation. Oftentimes, people isolate themselves because it feels safe. When it’s just you, there’s less uncertainty, and less potential for discomfort. On the flip side, when you shut people out, you: miss out on relationships that could add a new layer of meaning to your life; limit your possibilities for new opportunities; and increase the chances of over-thinking and feeling bad.

3. Open up slowly. You don’t have to become everyone’s best friend. You just need to entertain the possibility of new connections, even if it’s just one. Un-strange a stranger. Let your guard down just a little and take the risk of being seen. It’s a scary thing because you can’t control someone else’s perceptions. But you don’t need to. I’ve learned it’s OK if some people don’t get me. Every time you open yourself up you reaffirm that you’re happy with who you are–whether everyone else is or not.

Whether you want other people to solve your problems, you want everyone to like you, you want to ensure no one’s better than you, or you want to protect yourself so no one can hurt you, the bottom line is this: real happiness is something we have to find within ourselves.

And then hold onto as best we can when people seem unpredictable.

Because they’ll always be. And so are we. The only thing that’s certain is that we’re in control of ourselves. Happiness is a choice.

“I could never make a living while traveling the world; it’s just not realistic.”

“My guitar won’t pay the bills. People think I’m crazy for trying.”

“I don’t have the money to go back to school. I’m stuck in this dead-end temp job.”

Most people dream of doing something that gives them a sense of excitement and purpose. Only some people believe in the possibility of that meaningful, exciting reality. Even fewer people pursue those goals in the face of adversity and discouragement.

Belief in possibility and the willingness to try can mean the difference between feeling alive and feeling stuck. Even if you don’t get where you’re headed, believing you can, and working toward your dream is more powerful than you realize.

The woman who spends her days going to auditions—she may not be a famous actress, but she’s an actress who could find work. Work that may lead to opportunities she can’t even imagine.

The man who wants to bike across the US someday—every hour he devotes to training increases his chances of achieving his goal. Every time he dots an i on his dream-to-do list, he’s one step closer to actually doing what some people say he can’t.

There will always be people who doubt you. People who think you should do what’s easy, customary, and reasonable. Sometimes you may even be one of those people. Don’t think about them today. Instead, think about one simple step.

Maybe it’s the first thing you need to do. Research scholarship programs. Request a job application. Schedule a lesson. Or maybe you’ve already made some strides, but there’s still more to be done.

Whatever the case may be, do something today. Take that step with faith in your ability to become who you want to be. Even if you have a lingering doubt in the back of your mind, suspend it for just a short while, and believe in your potential.

A small step won’t turn fantasy into reality. But one step leads to another, which leads to another, and eventually creates change. You never know where your steps will take you in life; but they’ll take you a lot further if you visualize where you want to go, and act as though you can get there.

Do happy. It’s something you’re due.

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