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“When you are content to be simply yourself and don’t compare or compete, everybody will respect you.” ~Lao Tzu

Conventional wisdom suggests if you want to be happy you shouldn’t compare yourself to other people. Conventional wisdom isn’t always realistic.

Try as you may to completely stop making comparisons, you’ll likely come back to the instinct at least on occasion.

Discontent is part of the human condition—the nagging sense that something’s missing, even when you seem to have it all. We’re constantly evolving, growing, and looking for new ways to expand our impact on the world. New ways to reach and stretch our potential.

That’s not necessarily a bad thing if you see the pursuit as constant gain, instead of the cause as constant lack. And it’s equally harmless to compare yourself to others if it allows you to learn from people you admire.

If you compare yourself to your boss, and it motivates you to work smarter, that comparison improved your life for the better.

If you compare yourself to someone your age who started a non-profit, and it inspires you to volunteer, that comparison made a difference in not just your life, but others’, too.

It’s when the comparison game gets you down on yourself that you need to be cautious.

• When you sit around complaining it isn’t fair someone had more advantages instead of working harder to create your own luck.
• When you feel paralyzed because you’ve made nowhere near the same progress as someone else in a similar place.
• When you convince yourself there’s something wrong with you for not having, achieving, or being like someone else.
• When you think you need to compete with someone else to get approval from other people.
• When you start thinking you should “have it all” instead of honing in on what you really want—which is the only way to devise a plan to get it.

Comparing for the sake of complaining does nothing but hold you back.

There will always be someone smarter, stronger, more attractive, more successful, wiser, healthier, and happier than you. Just like there will always be someone who doesn’t have your potential, advantages, or opportunities. None of it guarantees any of you are happy. And isn’t happiness the main goal in the end?

Choose your comparisons wisely. Find people who’ve done what you actually want to do and use comparisons as motivation to improve.

Do Happy. It’s something you’re due.

Read more Do Happy tips. Most recent:

• Do Happy: Get Luckier
• Do Happy: Stop Explaining
• Do Happy: Forget Yourself

Photo here

You feel frustrated about your progress toward your goals, so you tell your friends about the odds stacked against you. You don’t want them to think you’re a failure.

You feel unusually anxious before a performance evaluation so you tell your coworker about everything that’s riding on this promotion. You don’t want her to think you’re neurotic.

You feel subdued at your family reunion, so you tell your father you have a lot on your mind. You don’t want him to think you’re antisocial.

We often feel the need to justify our feelings, like everyone outside is watching, assessing and forming judgments.

The truth is they often are.

We all watch other people—it’s hard not to; they surround us. We all assess other people—it gives us a break from assessing ourselves. And we all judge other people—it’s usually when we don’t understand and we’re scared.

Knowing these things are inevitable, we’re left with two options:

• Constantly explain ourselves to preserve how we’d like to be seen—even though it’s generally fruitless.
• Accept that our feelings will change all the time, and that we’re allowed to feel them—and that other people deal with the same things.

You’re entitled to a quiet afternoon if you don’t feel like engaging, even if you’re usually bubbly. You’re allowed to feel anxious when dealing with uncertainty, whether someone’s watching or not.

You’re even allowed to cry if you feel overwhelmed, frustrated, confused, lonely, or any emotion that makes you feel like crying. And it could potentially help. Research has proven crying out negative feelings actually reduces harmful chemicals that build up in your body due to stress.

Instead of devoting your energy to pretending you feel fine—and explaining why it may seem otherwise—let yourself feel what you feel. And let people think what they want. They’re going to do it anyway. It’s just what people do.

Instead of explaining why you don’t seem perfect, or thinking you need to forgive yourself for it, let yourself be human without apologies. Everyone else is, too. No one is always together.

Sometimes it makes sense to explain yourself—when someone misunderstands, or when you hurt someone accidentally. But most often the only person who needs an explanation is you so you can understand, accept, and work through whatever is on your mind.

And then actually feel better, instead of just trying to look better.

Do happy. It’s something you’re due.

Recent Do Happy tips:

• Forget Yourself
• Look Longer
• Stop Doing

by Nadia Ballas-Ruta

“An obstacle may be either a stepping stone or a stumbling block.” ~Unknown

The first twenty some years of my life were rooted in intense emotional pain. My childhood was filled with one painful event after another. I grew up in a neighborhood where I was the first ethnic kid and to make matters even more complicated, I had a birth defect that made my head look like it was on crooked. This only brought more ridicule and torment from fellow classmates.

When I was nine, my birth defect was corrected and for the first time in my young life, I looked normal. However, my soul was scarred by all the humiliation and pain that I experienced. In my eyes, I was a victim and deep in my heart, I truly felt that I had done something wrong to garner such painful experiences.

Wasn’t childhood supposed to be all fun and games? Maybe for most children but not for me. My teenage years were somewhat better to some small degree but there were some very painful experiences in that period too.

By age twenty, I was a miserable human being. I wore my pain as if it were a burden on my back. The baggage of all the tears and suffering felt like a ton. Ironically, despite all the misery, somewhere deep in my heart I knew that things would eventually get better. All that kept me going was hope.

However, despite the hope, I looked at my mistakes and failures with shame. I felt so horrible for all the bad things that happened. For some reason, I blamed myself for all the agony I had endured. That was until I read A Return to Love by Marianne Williamson.

In that book, she wrote about how nothing in life happens by accident. All the things that we experience happen for a reason. We may not see that reason at the moment but there is a hidden purpose in any given situation. With that philosophy in mind, we can recognize that each situation is a blessing in disguise.

That book turned my life around and for the first time, I was able to look at my past and see the beauty in all that suffering. It would take me another ten years to make my peace with it but at that moment, I let go of all the self-blame.

The minute I made that decision, all the weight that I had been carrying disappeared in an instant. I felt that I could breathe and with that new found freedom, I was able to see my past with greater compassion and wisdom.

I realized that my painful past was really a blessing in so many ways. It made me compassionate. It made me develop my creative abilities and so many other wonderful things. Ironically, I may not have had a childhood as a child but I have one now and that is awesome in my mind.

So much of life boils down to how you deal with what you have. You have the choice to take the lemons that life throws you and turn them into lemon meringue pie or you can lament the situation and be paralyzed by it.

In Buddhism, one of the main concepts is the idea of the Four Noble Truths. The first Noble Truth is that there is pain and suffering in life. No one is immune to that truth. We all have had experiences that created feelings of misery. That is part of life for that is how we grow. There is no need to lament the reality of this fact. Complaining about your pain will not change the pain or make it go away. If anything, all that does is keep you stuck in it.

It would be wonderful if we grew only through joyous experiences but we usually don’t. The greatest learning occurs when we are faced with an obstacle. Actually, if it were not for the resistance of obstacles, many people would not make an effort to get better.

Of course, this is all easier said than done but it is doable. The next time you are confronted with something that has the illusion of being an obstacle, simply just realize that that obstacle is not the boss of you. You are the boss of it and view it as being a stone in the right direction. For one of the many beautiful things about being brought down to the ground is the realization that there is only one direction to go, and that is up.

Other posts by Nadia:

• Living Life at Full Throttle
• The Blessings of Unrequited Love

Other posts you may enjoy:

• 50+ Ways to Beat the Holiday Blues
• 5 Rules for Life

by Lori Deschene

It’s just not that simple. That’s what I thought when someone first told me happiness is a choice.

But there’s so much more to it, I thought. There’s all the stuff I’d like to accomplish, but just can’t seem to get done. There are all the things I’d like to learn, and places I’d like to go. There are all the people I want to know–people I want to impress and please.

Those ideas inspired this series on happiness, starting with a post about dwelling on the past and worrying about the future; next tackling ways to be happy, even though things aren’t perfect now; and most recently addressing the different ways we let other people compromise our joy.

Today’s post is the second in a series about other people. In the first, I mentioned two ways you might let them dictate your happiness: by blaming others for everything that’s wrong with your life, or by overextending yourself trying to make everyone else happy.

You may also challenge your happiness by:

Comparing Yourself to Other People

“We’re the same age but he’s a CEO—and I’m just a salesman.”

“I’m not as outgoing as she is. She has more connections, so she’ll go further in life.”

“I wish I had a house like his. It’s hard to be happy when you live in a shoebox.”

No matter what you attain, it’s not enough. Someone else has more. No matter what you achieve, you feel dissatisfied. Other people have done better. It’s painful to walk around competing with everyone, feeling a constant sense of disappointment in yourself. Comparing yourself to others is a losing battle because it’s a habit you likely won’t break, even once you achieve what you think you need to be happy.

What to Do About It:

1. Realize everyone has to deal with judgment. Oftentimes when you compare yourself to others, you’re focused on how it looks to other people. The successful guy looks more impressive. Or the attractive woman looks more desirable. Everyone has to deal with judgment on some level. That successful guy may walk around thinking the world thinks he’s selfish. No one’s life looks perfect.

2. Rethink the idea of “better.” It never feels good to think someone’s better than you. But really, it’s not that black and white. It’s not a clear hierarchy from failure to success. We all have our own definition of success and happiness. If you’re doing what you enjoy and living by your own code, you have every reason to be proud of yourself. The only better you need to be is better than your yesterday.

3. Focus on your own journey. Do you even want to be a CEO? Do you like being the center of attention? Usually when we envy other people it’s because we’re not happy with ourselves—not because we want what they have. What do you really want? How can you start working toward it today? When you take a small step toward being who you want to be you feel less dissatisfied with your life.

Cutting Yourself off from Other People

“I’m not someone who needs people. I do just fine on my own.”

“Thanks for the invite, but I have to…shampoo my hair. And catch up on The Office.”

“I won’t know anyone there so I think I’ll pass. We’ll catch up some other time.”

You don’t let people in easily. People know you, but very few people know you—your dreams, your passions, your obsession with The Smurfs (or insert other quirky you-ism—we all have them.) Most people in your life feel like acquaintances or strangers. You suspect deeper relationships could make everything more fulfilling. But it’s scary opening up. You’re not even sure where to begin–or how.

What to Do About It:

1. Identify the cause of your disconnection. This is obviously more complex that a few sentences can summarize, but it’s a crucial first step. If you’re aware your loner mentality leaves you feeling like an outsider watching life happen to other people, the first step is to figure out why you’ve created this situation. What are you afraid of? What are you hiding from? Or what is it you’re hiding from other people? What makes you say no when someone tries to open up your world?

2. Weigh the pros and cons of separation. Oftentimes, people isolate themselves because it feels safe. When it’s just you, there’s less uncertainty, and less potential for discomfort. On the flip side, when you shut people out, you: miss out on relationships that could add a new layer of meaning to your life; limit your possibilities for new opportunities; and increase the chances of over-thinking and feeling bad.

3. Open up slowly. You don’t have to become everyone’s best friend. You just need to entertain the possibility of new connections, even if it’s just one. Un-strange a stranger. Let your guard down just a little and take the risk of being seen. It’s a scary thing because you can’t control someone else’s perceptions. But you don’t need to. I’ve learned it’s OK if some people don’t get me. Every time you open yourself up you reaffirm that you’re happy with who you are–whether everyone else is or not.

Whether you want other people to solve your problems, you want everyone to like you, you want to ensure no one’s better than you, or you want to protect yourself so no one can hurt you, the bottom line is this: real happiness is something we have to find within ourselves.

And then hold onto as best we can when people seem unpredictable.

Because they’ll always be. And so are we. The only thing that’s certain is that we’re in control of ourselves. Happiness is a choice.

by Lori Deschene, Photo by loungerie

Sometimes when I’m alone doing something I love—writing, drawing, or practicing yoga, for example—I feel a sense of calm that I’d like to bottle for later when other people join the picture.

Many times throughout my life, I’ve allowed my happiness to fade because of something someone did or sad–or didn’t do or say. I’ve flip-flopped from bliss to anxiety at the drop of a dime, because someone didn’t like me. Or someone had excessive demands and I was too nice to say no. Or I thought I needed something from another person—that would do it. That would make me happy.

I suspect lots of people let other people dictate their happiness, at least occasionally. I’ve identified four ways people commonly do this, and three ideas to address each. Since it is a lot of information, I’ve split this into two posts, with the second coming tomorrow.

Pinning Your Happiness to Someone Else

“I’m miserable because I’m single.”

“I’m unhappy because my boyfriend won’t propose.”

“I can’t be happy because my parents refuse to help me out.”

Someone else—anyone else—holds the key to your bliss. It’s their fault your life isn’t like you want it to be. They take all the blame. They also have all the power.  That’s the worst part of depending on other people to feel good about your life: you can’t predict or control what they’ll do, meaning your joy will always be fleeting.

What to Do About It:

1. Let the past remind you other people can’t make you happy. You’ve likely had other relationships. Other people have probably given you things you wanted before. Did that solve everything? Did your life suddenly become perfect? When you realize it has never worked that way, it’s easier to acknowledge it won’t in the future, either. Which then leads you to evaluate what you can do for yourself.

2. Identify the benefits of taking responsibility. It’s scary to take full responsibility for your happiness. If it’s all on you, you have to do something. Find your purpose. Fulfill your passions. Take initiative and keep doing it. It also means you can feel happy without depending on someone else. What better tool to have inside you then the power to make yourself feel good no matter who is in your life?  

3. Consider the idea of impermanence in relationships. Not even marriage ensures someone will be in your life forever. Death or divorce could change everything—it’s just a fact of life. Do you really want to pin your joy to a moving target? Relationships are always in flux, and can end at any time. By finding joy within yourself, you set the stage for lasting bliss. What can you do today to tap into happiness?

Overextending Yourself to Please Everyone

“Sure, you can borrow my rent money.”

“I don’t mind if your grandmother comes on our date.”

“You need my car? OK. It’s no big deal if I miss my family reunion.”

Except you needed that money. And you really do mind—you planned that date for weeks. And your family matters more to you than anything else in the world. You try to please everyone, but it’s never enough. You hope everyone likes you, but many don’t respect you. The worst part: you don’t respect you, either.

What to Do About It:

1. Consider the benefits of letting people dislike you if that’s their choice. A while back I wrote a post for my blog called 10 Reasons It’s Awesome People Don’t Like You. You may find these ideas helpful in learning to say no with less guilt.

2. Don’t think about being liked; think about being respected. I am a major people pleaser. I want everyone to like me all the time, and it pains me when someone sees me in a negative light. When I want to say no but feel hesitant, I remember: that person may be annoyed with me in that moment, but eventually they will respect that I communicated what I need and want.

3. Focus on what you did right; not what you did wrong. If you feel bad that you didn’t drive your sister to work, think of everything you achieved by saying no. You gave yourself time to work on your art. You acknowledged how you felt even though it was tough. And maybe you motivated your sister to finally take her license test. Sometimes it benefits someone in the long run to hear no in the moment.

Some people fall into these patterns on occasion, whereas others live in a constant state of blaming and stressing about other people’s opinions. I know I’ve done my share of both. Both leave me feeling restless and out of control.

On some level, control is always an illusion. Very little is certain in this world. The only things we can control are: what we do, how we interpret things that happen to us, and how we respond to other people’s actions. It’s like Eleanor Roosevelt said:

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

Conversely, no one can make your happy. No one except for you.

Read Part 2 in this series here.

Other posts by Lori Deschene:

• 10 Ways I Know There’s Nothing Wrong with You (or Me)
• 2 Ways You Think Yourself Unhappy (And 10 Things to Do About It)
• 7 Reasons to Be Happy Even Though Things Aren’t Perfect Now

by Lori Deschene

“On a deeper level you are already complete. When you realize that, there is a joyous energy behind what you do.” ~Eckhart Tolle

At 17 I had it all. I made straight As, was the vice president of the Honor Society, held two jobs, took the lead in four community theater performances, and joined Donnie Osmond onstage as part of the children’s chorus in Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat.

I was busy. I did things well. I got attention. I was ready to snap.

I was so hungry for success and approval I’d do anything to get it, even if it meant exhausting and dehydrating myself straight to the ER. What’s worse, I was continually dissatisfied with everything I did. I was my own punching bag.

Thirteen years later I don’t do nearly as much. I don’t take any classes. I don’t work much at the moment. I don’t perform anymore. On the other side of overexertion, I still beat myself up.

I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up—there’s something wrong with me.

I live across the country from my family, and haven’t justified it by becoming a massive success—there’s something wrong with me.

I’m obsessed with self improvement, but I’m still not perfect—there’s something wrong with me.

Stop. Revelation. Cue the spotlight: There’s nothing wrong with me.

And there’s nothing wrong with you.

Here’s how I know both of these statements are true:

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