tinybuddha.com

by Lori Deschene

Yesterday morning, two of the correspondents on the news in Boston (where I’m home for the holidays) had an interesting conversation about the classic It’s a Wonderful Life.

One of them said he’s not a big fan of the movie, which instilled a sense of complete outrage in me.

How dare he take George Bailey’s name in vain? It’s such an inspirational film! From saving Harry’s life to finding Zuzu’s petals, every scene gets my little heart aflutter with renewed hope in our ability to make a difference and find happiness.

When the initial offense faded, I listened to what clearly-heartless news guy was saying. And he actually had a point.

The main character, George Bailey, sacrificed everything he wanted in life for the people around him. If he continued to operate in a constant state of self sacrifice, he’d likely always have regrets where other men have dreams.

And why should he not have the chance, at some point, to feel satisfaction that isn’t hinged upon having saved someone else’s life?

At the end of the movie, he receives the ultimate assurance that his life is best lived with everyone else’s interests before his own: a party where he receives all the gratitude and admiration he clearly felt had been lacking prior.

The implication seems to be that he should continue on this path because everyone’s life would have fallen apart if he didn’t come to their rescue.

The movie critique got me thinking about the sacrifices we make for other people. If you know me, you may find it off that I–ever the eternal optimist–have chosen to dissect the act of selflessness right before a holiday that often inspires it.

This is precisely why I have.

Holidays generally bring out the best in people. When we pull out the tear jerkers that remind us people care and miracles happen, we’re motivated to be the change we want to see in the world. To express and show our feelings. To care in action.

But what’s more important than an epiphany shouted from a balcony on Christmas morning is an understanding of healthy giving–both to others and ourselves–that’s sustainable all year long.

I, for one, would find this information invaluable, as I’m somewhat of a George Bailey–ever willing to consider someone else’s feelings and interests before my own. On some level it’s because I want to be kind; but often I’m motivated by the desire to feel important and useful. Or to please other people. Or even to avoid facing my own needs.

If you can relate on any level, consider these reasons to find a balance between doing for others and yourself:

Too much sacrifice can harm relationships. According to Ted Hagen, PhD, “The give and take between two people creates mutual respect. It strengthens a relationship.”

Excessive giving can create internal resentment. If you continually put everyone else first, you may eventually resent everyone for expecting so much of you–when in all reality, you had the choice to give less at any time.

Sacrificing is not always helpful. We often give because we think it’s the right thing to do; but sometimes it’s just plain not. People (children especially) need to learn to take care of themselves and to accept the world won’t always meet their every wish, whim, and need.

To truly give yourself, you need to take care of yourself. Your daily car ride may make someone’s life easier; but your bond as a healthy, happy person is far more valuable. You can only offer than if you take care of your own needs, as well.

We all deserve a life that involves doing and resisting and giving and taking and being selfish and selfless at times. I recommend the following steps to find a balance with all of the above:

1. Identify your current give/take ratio. If you’d like to find a balance you have to know how off-balance you currently are. Is it 50/50? Or 70/30?

2. Establish your reason for imbalance. Are you overextending yourself to feel powerful? Or to please everyone? You need to figure this out to address the next part.

3. Find an alternative plan. If your goal is to feel powerful and helpful, start mentoring a child on the weekend. If you’d like to be well-liked, nurture qualities and skills that attract people to you–other than your tendency to say yes. This is a far better approach to gaining respect anyway.

4. Take a piece of the pie. You can’t give everyone in your life 100%, so you likely give your parents, friends, and significant other a percentage of your energy. Consider a piece of that your own, and honor that in your choices.

5. Think of taking as another form of giving. Everything you get from giving–the people who love you will get the same if you give them a chance to reciprocate. Why not allow them the opportunity to feel helpful and important, too?

6. Take a drama-free look at your relationships. Do some people take more than give? The goal isn’t to blame, attack, or make yourself a victim; but rather to establish which relationships need to change.

7. Make attempts to repair unbalanced relationships. If the give/take ratio is off-kilter, you need to address this–either by asking for what you need when you need it, or initiating a constructive conversation. If the bond is worth saving the other person will be at least a little receptive.

8. Make a habit of expressing your needs. People won’t always anticipate them and step up to the plate, even if you operate that way. If you state your expectations, it will be easier for people to meet them. (Trust that they’ll want to! That’s how healthy relationships work.)

9. Check in without an even-Steven philosophy. You don’t need to keep an internal scorecard of how much people are doing for you; but you should feel that, on the whole, they’re there for you physically and emotionally as much as you’re there for them.

10. Ask yourself, “Would I need a George Bailey moment of gratitude and admiration to justify all I’ve sacrificed?” If the answer is yes, you know you’re not living a completely fulfilling life. One in which you look out for yourself, and honor your wants and needs as much as other people’s.

Making now the perfect time to ask yourself: how can I accept where the choices I’ve made have taken me–but make more balanced choices from here on out for a truly wonderful life?

Other posts by Lori Deschene you may enjoy:

• 5 Ways to Make a Big Difference in Someone’s Day
• 5 Rules for Life
• 2 Ways You Think Yourself Unhappy (and 10 Things to Do About It)
• 10 Ways I Know There’s Nothing Wrong with You or Me

by Lori Deschene

“Friendship isn’t a big thing. It’s a million little things.” ~Unknown

This hasn’t been an extravagant holiday season for me. Like everyone and their mother, I lost a lot of income in 2009, and I just don’t have the means to give expensive presents.

Yet I feel I’ve received a lot of gifts this year. Most notably, I’ve realized how many of the people in my life mean more to me than any of the things I’m trying to accomplish.

The friends and family members whose love and support far eclipse the achievement of any goals I set. The people who are my home, whether I can afford a pricey apartment or not.

I’ve come up with 50 ways to show them how much I care within my current means. If you’re looking for a few meaningful gifts that don’t require a debit card, you may find these creative ideas helpful this season:

50. Make a mixed CD of songs they’ll enjoy.

49. Create a hand-made card and leave a thoughtful note.

48. Randomly, without any prompting, look them in the eye and say, “I really appreciate you—just for being you.”

47. Compliment them on something people may not often acknowledge—like their work ethic, or consideration for other people.

46. Give them something from nature that reminds you of them—like a unique shell, or a smooth but sturdy rock.

44. Send them a funny video from YouTube, and write, “You make me laugh more than this video. Thank you!”

43. Draw a map of your apartment with them in it and write, “I’d be lost without you.”

42. Give them something of yours that reminds you of them.

41. Give them a book you’ve already read, and inscribe it with a meaningful message.

40. Ask them if you can take care of their responsibilities; for example, you could offer to pick your friend’s children up from school.

39. Tell them they were so right about something and let them know how that information impacted your life.

38. Look for something on Craigslist you know they need—a job or a piece of affordable furniture, for example—and forward them the ad.

37. Squeeze their hand and say, “thank you.”

36. Ask, “How are you—really?” Then do nothing but listen and respond to what you hear for as long as they’d like to talk.

35. Ask, “What can I do to help you today?”

34. Notice how they affect other people—not you—and comment on it.

33. Cook dinner for them.

32. Make a simple sacrifice to spend time with them; for example, TiVo that show you always catch, and stop by with a 6-pack.

31. See their potential, and encourage them to pursue their dreams.

30. Ask them to retell their favorite story.

29. Let them pick the plans and find a way to really enjoy it—go line dancing, and see the experience through their eyes.

28. Offer them your skill for free. For example, my friend Cori who’s a graphic designer designed something for me last year as an early birthday gift.

27. Tell them which qualities of theirs you admire.

26. Introduce them to someone you love as, “My dear friend who taught me…”

25. Introduce them to something new that you think would enrich their lives.

24. Let them be right, even if you think they’re not, if it’s not that big of a deal.

23. Ask their advice on something important, and tell them their opinion means the world to you.

22. Send them a text that reads, “Thought of you today, and it made me smile.”

21. Notice when they do something that might have been challenging, and applaud their efforts.

20. Tell them the block in your planner that includes their name is the most important on a busy day.

19. Tell them you understand their struggle—whatever that may be—and say you’re always a call away to help.

18. Say thank you for something they don’t realize they gave you, like inspiration to seize the day, or the courage to leave an unhealthy relationship.

17. Let them know how they helped you think about something differently. For example, tell your friend she helped you see losing your job as a gift (if she did).

16. Surprise them in some way with something you know they’ll enjoy.

15. Send them a picture of you two together, and remind them why that day was amazing.

14. Ask how their big day went—whatever that big day may have been.

13. Share their pain when they have it. Hold their hand, wipe their tears, and be their shoulder to lean on.

12. Give them an uncomfortably long hug, like the Do Happy tip suggests.

11. Share a childlike experience with them. Go on the swings, get some ice cream, and let go of your stresses together.

10. Sing a song at karaoke and dedicate it to them. It doesn’t have to be a mushy one. Dedicate Ice, Ice Baby—it’s the thought that counts! 

9. Encourage them to be completely themselves around you. Tell your female friend she’s beautiful even without makeup; or tell your guy friend you like his corny jokes because they’re his.

8. Be honest even if it’s uncomfortable for you.

7. Invite them out with friends of yours they don’t know. Nothing says “I value you” like inclusion.

6. Forgive something they did that hurt you without needing to hear the words, “I’m sorry.”

5. Look out for someone they love.

4. Remember something they said that they thought you didn’t hear.

3. Help them reconnect with someone important in their life.

2. If you blog, write something they inspired, and dedicate it to them.

1. Simply say, “I really care about you, and I wanted you to know.”

Now forget these came from me—one might be coming your way! In the meantime, do you have any ideas to add?

Recent posts by Lori Deschene:

• 10 Questions to Ask Yourself Before Giving Up on Your Dream
• 20 Ways to Give Without Expectations
• 5 Rules for Life

by Lori Deschene

“The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.” ~Samuel Johnson

Some people say there’s no such thing as a selfless act–that any time we do something to help another person, we get something in return, even if it’s just a warm fuzzy feeling.

I’ve spent a lot of time playing with this idea in my head. It doesn’t really bother me to know it feels good to help someone else. That, to me, is a completely acceptable type of selfishness. What give me cause for concern are the underlying expectations we often have when we give “selflessly.”

We’ve all been there. You cover for your coworker because you know you’ll need her assistance next month. You give your sister $20, and then silently look for ways she can pay you back, even if not monetarily. You help your friend get leads for a job, and then feel angry when she isn’t as proactive in offering you support.

I’ve found that these expectations cause more stress than joy. They mar the act of giving, which makes me feel slightly guilty; they lead to disappointment if the person I helped doesn’t return the kindness; and they tie my intentions to an internal score card, which places a wedge in my relationships.

Recently I’ve been asking myself, “What is my expectation?” before I do something for another person. The answer I find most acceptable—cheesy as it may sound—is: to feel good and show love. Strangely, when I release the need to control what I get for giving, I get enough, somehow.

I’ve made a list of 20 things you can do to show you care, without needing the recipient to return the kindness—20 ways giving is its own reward. Maybe some of these will resonate with you. Or perhaps you’ll want to write your own list to spur the spirit of giving without expectations. (Although I’ve written you, these are things I try to do.)

1. Give money you can spare to someone who needs it and then pretend you never had it.

2. Let someone tell a story without feeling the need to one-up them or tell you own.

3. Let someone vent, even if you can’t offer a solution, just to be an ear–without considering how well they listened to you last week.

4. Help someone who is struggling with difficult feelings by admitting you’ve felt the same thing–without considering whether they’d be as open with you.

5. Ask, “What can I do to help you today?” Then let it go after following through.

6. Tell someone how you feel about them, even if it makes you feel vulnerable, just to let them know they’re loved and not alone.

7. Apologize when you’ve acted selfishly, even if you don’t like feeling wrong, because it will remind the other person they deserve to be treated with respect.

8. Let someone else educate you, even if you’re tempted to stay closed minded, because you value their knowledge and appreciate their willingness to share it.

9. Forgive someone who wronged you because you have compassion for them, not because you know they’ll owe you.

10. Hold someone’s hand when they feel vulnerable to let them know you haven’t judged them.

11. Give your full attention to the person in front of you when you’re tempted to let your thoughts wander just to show them their words are valuable.

12. Assume the best when you’re tempted to suspect someone for no valid reason—even if they haven’t always given you the benefit of the doubt.

13. Accompany someone to an appointment or drive them to an interview when they need support just to help them feel strong.

14. Change your plans for someone you love if yours weren’t too important without questioning whether they’d do the same for you.

15. Teach someone how to do something without taking a superior position because they’ve likely taught you many things, whether they were obvious or not.

16. Leave a thoughtful comment on someone’s blog, not to build your readership but rather to show them how they affected you.

17. Tell someone you believe in their potential, even if they haven’t always shown you the same support.

18. Say no when it would make you feel good to say yes, because sometimes being kind means pushing someone to step up and try harder.

19. Tell someone you know they meant well instead of using their mistake as an opportunity to manipulate their guilt.

20. I’ve left this one open for you to write–how do you give just to show you care?

Let’s face it: none of us is always kind. Human nature dictates we’ll act with one eye on what’s in it for us, at least occasionally. And I think that’s OK, as long as we make an effort whenever possible to do good for the sake of it.

Releasing expectations doesn’t mean you give other people permission to treat you thoughtlessly. It just means you check in with your motivations and give because you want to; and then ask for things directly when you want them. People who care about you will be there for you in return.

Other posts by Lori Deschene you may enjoy:

Have a story to share? Tinybuddha is looking for guest posts! Read our submission guidelines and drop us a line at email @ tinybuddha.com

by Tess Marshall

“When I do good, I feel good, when I do bad, I feel bad and that is my religion.” ~Abraham Lincoln

It’s no secret that we live in a world that’s obsessed with wealth, fame and celebrities. Some call it the “age of narcissism.”  I’m not sure I want to label or judge our current circumstances. Instead like Gandhi suggests, I’ll put my focus on being the change I wish to see in the world.

I’m planning to mix things up a bit for 2010 and I invite you to do the same. Instead of creating New Year’s Resolutions that are all about me, I’m going to make mine all about others. Instead of trying to increase my own success I’m going to set others up to succeed.

My personal idea was inspired by CNN’s “Hero of the Year 2009” given to one ordinary person making an extraordinary difference. CNN’s panel chose Efren Penaflorida as the winner for 2009. He received $100,000 for his organization. You can read about all 10 nominees here.

Being an every-day hero does far more for you than you may imagine. Some benefits of volunteering include:

• Volunteer’s develop a “helper’s high” due to a link between kindness and a gene that releases dopamine, a feel-good neurotransmitter in the brain.
• Volunteers report feeling energetic, warm, calmer and greater self-worth.
• Volunteers enjoy being helpful because it’s as pleasurable as eating a chocolate chip cookie.
• Volunteers are more loving and less angry, resentful or fearful.
• Volunteers increase their own level of happiness due to the law of cause and effect: What goes around comes around.

My husband and I currently support The Smile Train, Wounded Warriors, Girl Scouts and Boy Scouts. This year I want to do more. I’m still in the process of deciding what more will look like; I’ll have my decision and plan ready to put into action on January 1st, 2010.

The following are other ideas to inspire you to begin.

1. Provide a box at your school, work or place of worship and ask others to make food contributions. Distribute it monthly.
2. Daily save the change from your purse or pockets and donate it to a favorite charity at the end of each month.
3. Begin a warm coat drive.
4. Join efforts to preserve and protect the environment.
5. Donate cat and dog food to an animal shelter. (Call and ask what is needed.)
6. Collect used books and make a donation.
7. Donate flowers to nursing homes.
8. Donate professional services including: teaching classes, giving a workshop, consulting and coaching services or professional speaking.
9. Teach someone to read.
10. Begin a giving circle with your friends. Every month one person hosts a “girl’s night in” by having a potluck. Each person donates $20 to a chosen cause.
11. Offer to clean or paint someone’s home.
12. Donate your time to a preschool. Collect educational toys.
13. Cook dinner for shut-ins.
14. Collect prom dresses for underprivileged youth.
15. Offer to do manicures and pedicures in a children’s hospital.

A final option:

Make the words, “How can I help” part of your everyday vocabulary. Because actions speak louder than words. Because we want to make the world a better place for everyone.

Photo credit

Visit Tess Marshall at The Bold Life. Tess states her job is to show up, have fun, and do as much good as possible for as many people as possible everyday. You can purchase her book, “Flying By the Seat of My Soul” on her blog or download it for free as an e-book.

Interested in contributing? Read our submission guidelines and send your best original content to email @ tinybuddha.com.

Recent posts you may enjoy:

• 5 Rules for Life
• A scientific Perspective on Happiness: The Rules in Your Head
• 40 Ways to Let Go and Feel Less Pain
• 7 Key Steps to Living a Beautiful Life

by Lori Deschene

“We work on ourselves in order to help others, but also we help others in order to work on ourselves.” ~Pema Chodron

I didn’t care who was right or wrong. I just wanted her to move.

In all reality we both were right, but I felt substantially more right. I was assigned to seat 4A; her friend had been assigned to seat 4A; and he traded with her so he could have the aisle and she could have the window. Meaning she was in a seat she wasn’t assigned—a glorious, view-adjacent seat I was supposed to have. And they wanted me to sit between them.

Seven hours is an awfully long time to sit in a middle seat, between two people who may talk over you. When your head hurts. And you generally feel a little anxious flying. And you don’t yet know you can entertain yourself with free WiFi.

I wasn’t really sure what to say since it was clearly the airline’s error; so I just stood there, staring at the middle seat, hoping it would morph into a second Window seat—preferably in first class. (If I’m lost in Magical Thinking, it might as well go all the way.)

Eventually the girl moved to the middle. Luckily, the aisle seat across the way was open, so she then moved over there.

As I sat in the right spot, with even more room now that no one was next to me—fully aware her guy friend was shooting me daggers from two feet away—I suddenly felt disappointed in myself.

Was it really a big deal to just take the open seat? Had I never been around strangers who talked to each other in my presence? Would it have killed me to suck it up, be less selfish, and adapt? I decided to let it go and be as kind as possible for the rest of the flight, but still, this got me thinking about the courtesies we extend to people we meet every day.

I don’t like being selfish—not with people I know, and not with strangers. I may feel good in the moment when I look out for me, but I ultimately don’t like how I feel when I ignore someone else’s needs in favor of my own.

I like the world around me better when I treat people with consideration. I like myself better when I fight my instinct to fight. And I know it makes me a better person when I challenge my urge for instant gratification.

Sometimes it’s just plain hard to be selfless. Here’s why I think that is:

• We get caught up in our own stresses and problems.
• When we feel stressed or anxious we often have less patience for other people.
• Our needs feel imperative, so it’s hard to get them off our minds long enough to consider what other people want.
• It’s human nature to do what we think will make us happy; so we sometimes fixate on little goals—like getting home as fast as possible, even if it means cutting other people off in traffic—in that pursuit.
• We’re a get-things-done-oriented society, and that can sometimes create a sense of urgency that overwhelms everything else.

It’s not necessarily that we’re jerks. Or we’re not compassionate. Or we only care about ourselves. It’s more that we get caught up in our wants and emotions, and sometimes they seem to trump everyone else’s.

Here are five things I’ve been doing to challenge my selfish instincts in the moments before I act:

I question how I’d address the situation if the person were a friend or family member.

It’s easier to disregard a stranger’s needs because you don’t have to see her later (unless, of course, you’re on a 7-hour cross-country flight). You don’t know if she’s a good person; or have any sense of her feelings. You can simply do what you want to do and walk away without really thinking about how you impacted her. When I imagine this person as someone I love, I instantly feel more compassionate.

I ask myself, “What would the person I want to be do?”

This has helped me quite a bit through the years. I wasn’t always what I’d consider to be a good person, but I knew what qualities that type of person would embody: kindness, selflessness, consideration—all those good things. When I’m tempted to do something selfish, I visualize that person I want to be, and question what she would do. Full disclosure: I don’t always do that thing. But I work at it, and it’s getting easier.

I consider what “future me” will think.

When I’m no longer rushed or harried. When I don’t feel impulsive, anxious, or angry. When I’m sitting at home, reflecting on the kind of person I was that day, thinking about ways I made myself proud. That person would wish I’d been patient with the customer service agent, instead of getting frustrated with him because of a computer error that wasn’t his fault.

I think about what’s going on with the person in front of me.

If you read Rachel Whalley’s post Letting Go of Stories About Other People, you know what I’m getting at here. So the guy in the aisle seat wasn’t very nice to me. (His exact words were, “Like hell we’re moving. These are our seats. Tough break.”) Maybe he had a rough day. Maybe he let her sit by the window because it was her first time flying. Maybe they’re both claustrophobic and that’s why they weren’t sitting next to each other. If I empathized with how they felt I’d be less likely to demand my own way.

I imagine I’m renewing someone’s faith in people.

There are a lot of people in this world who think no one cares about anyone but themselves. It saddens me to think they’ve hurt so deeply they’ve written everyone off, and maybe put up a guard. Not everyone feels this extreme; and odds are one simple kindness won’t change a person’s view of the world. But maybe it will make him question for a minute whether or not people are bad at their core. Maybe it will remind him though people make mistakes they also redeem themselves.

I believe people are good at heart. I believe people care.  Some people say that’s naïve. Maybe so. But I’m going to try my best to prove them wrong by caring and showing it—especially when it’s hard.

Other posts by Lori Deschene:

• 10 Ways I Know There’s Nothing Wrong with You (or Me)
• 2 Ways You Think Yourself Unhappy (And 10 Things to Do About It)
• 7 Reasons to Be Happy Even Though Things Aren’t Perfect Now