tinybuddha.com

by Sonia Derian

I write a newsletter every week and last month, a subscriber emailed me with a question I thought was worth exploring.

“… I guess what I’m getting at is if everyone had a choice, treating sewage would be the last thing one would want to do. Isn’t it? Well yes I’m making that judgment. If everyone was Wayne Dyer or that money guru lady Suze Orman, we’d all be reaching fantasy levels of achievement. That is what they seem to be proposing is possible.

But someone still has to take out the trash. If we’re all living big then who’s taking care of the landfills? I guess we could all be having wonderfully luxurious lives but chip in on the dirty stuff sometimes? Like volunteer, or Adopt-A-Highway kind of stuff. Then a boy in Iraq gets his arms and legs blown off and I’m supposed to be like “Yahoo, I’m living big???”….. uh? This is my ‘resistance; isn’t it?… Anyway, there is a topic here. Anything to help me feel better about living big while others suffer…”

It’s a big question: If there are others suffering in the world, what right do I have to think about myself or my lofty goals? What right do I have to consider more for myself when there are others who can’t even feed themselves, literally or figuratively?

I’ll begin with a quote from Marianne Williamson who talks in her book The Age of Miracles about the Butterfly Effect (based in Chaos Theory):

“When a butterfly flaps its wings near the tip of South America, it affects the wind patterns near the North Pole. And the same is true in the realm of consciousness: Every miracle you work in your life is a blessing on life itself.”

There is only one life happening that we are all a part of. If we are all in fact one big interwoven tapestry, then we are all connected. That being said, we can only be responsible for how we conduct our own lives.

By doing for ourselves, we come to a place where we are able to do for others and we change the consciousness of possibility on the planet.

At Obama’s inauguration, there were a lot of people being interviewed on the Plaza. One that struck me was an African American father. When asked what Obama’s presidency meant to him, he said:

“It means I will no longer have to lie to my son. Now, I’ve seen it for myself and can say with honesty: He can be anything he wants when he grows up. Even the President of the United States.”

This is how change happens. Someone first has to carry the torch of possibility.

No amount of suffering we do on our part will alleviate the suffering in another part of the world. However, every bit the amount of success we live can increase another’s chances of success. We cannot hold a hand out to pull someone up without stable footing ourselves.

You’ve heard it from flight attendants: should there be a decrease in cabin pressure, place the oxygen mask over yourself first, and then secure that of your child.

We must first bring ourselves to the level of success so that we can affect change for others. But we will never get there if we insist on using other people’s lives as our excuse not to.

One person’s elevation creates possibilities for the rest of us, if not by example, by influence.

Oprah, in her response to the declining economy, called a Billionaires Summit. In a closed door meeting in NY, a few months ago, some of the richest men and Oprah (she was the only woman) met to talk about philanthropic foundations and which charities they would give to. She used her success to make a difference.

We all have that level of influence within us. It may not be the Billionaires Summit. It may be contributing our success or talents at the PTA meeting, or the Neighborhood Watch Group, or the Environmental Protection Agency, or the Commission for the Arts Council. Or it may be using our sphere of influence raising our children to be kind and tolerant and responsible.

I do not agree that everyone wants to be the next Wayne Dyer or Suze Orman. There is a female executive somewhere whose true desire is to give up the 60 hour work week to bake cookies with her children, participate in their Girl Scout meeting, host slumber parties in her home and watch her kids grow up. And her following this desire would be the right path for her—and an example to let other parents know that they can be full time mothers and still be strong, powerful women.

Or there is the couple who wants to give up all their worldly possessions and travel by backpack around the world.

Or there is the environmentalist who wants to work at a landfill and discover new and more efficient ways of refuse disposal.

Our job is not to judge one desire or goal as more or less important or worthy than another. Our job is to give life to the potential or seedling of desire we have within us and maximize it as best we can.

I am not going to say this is easy. It is much easier to throw ourselves into another person’s cause, crusade or success than to take the steps towards our own. Resistance is strong when it comes to our own expression. I know—I’m guilty of succumbing to it, myself. But we always know when we’re doing it.  And we have to come back to ourselves.

Years ago, I placed an ad on craigslist seeking to interview successful business owners. I wanted to hear their strategy and in exchange I would buy them a cup of coffee or a meal. One business owner I met with owned three Jamba Juice franchises in the Oakland area. His advice was to follow your dreams and believe in yourself.

To illustrate this, he told me a story about a woman who would come into his juice bar every day and talk to him about the book she was writing. She told him that one day she would be a very successful author and people would know who she was. The woman? Suze Orman.

Turns out, before Suze Orman was Suze Orman, she was just a woman in a juice bar who envisioned becoming Suze Orman.

Don’t squander the thing within you that is trying to emerge. Instead, fan the flame. Find out what it’s all about. Discover yourself.

And do not use another person’s suffering as your excuse not to thrive. There is enough lack, pain and limitation being covered on the news. We are all part of what I consider a cosmic teeter-totter; and we need to tip the scales, energetically, the other way.

Even if in that small way is simply living up to our full potential. Or forgiving our neighbor. Or spending time in our garden to listen to the birds sing. Giving thanks.

Want to contribute a post? Read our submission guidelines then drop us a line at email @ tinybuddha.com.

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by Lori Deschene

“If opportunity doesn’t knock, build a door.” -Milton Berle

The people who are the most successful in life are the ones who create their own opportunities. Since I’m a work-from-home freelance writer who prefers beadworking to networking, I have to be ultra creative.

I’ve identified 7 simple ways to find opportunities in everyday situations. Here’s what I got:

1. Wear Your Resume While Running Errands

Last year I read an article about a woman named Kelly Kinney who printed her resume on a T-shirt. What a brilliant idea! I always notice words on shirts; I’ve even been known to ask strangers to hold still so I can get a better look (far less awkward when the wearer is a man.)

You can order a similar one at ResumeShirts.com for under $20–well worth the investment if it lands you the job of your dreams!

2. Build Relationships in Starbucks

A lot of people use waiting-in-line time to play with their cell phones and stare intently at their shoes. You could make it a whole lot more productive by noticing the people around you. If they also frequent that shop, they’re likely your neighbors.

Pay attention to them—whether they seem agitated or happy, what they’re reading—and start a conversation. Nothing about your work or theirs; just open yourself up to a new person. When there’s no time left hand over your business card and say, “So nice to meet you. If I can help you in any way let me know.”

The more you introduce yourself to people, the more possibilities you’ll have for relationships. The more relationships you build, the more potential you’ll have for sharing ideas and possibilities with each other.

3. Promote Yourself with Every Email You Send

You never know which one of your contacts may benefit from your skills—skills they may not realize you have. Maximize your email signature by including a statement of purpose (underneath your website and Twitter links that is.)

Tina Su, of the popular blog Think Simple Now, included information about subscribing in her email signature—which is partly responsible for building an audience of 16,000+ readers.

4. Get Ideas While Shopping

The best way to create an opportunity for yourself is to meet a need people have (either through a product you create or a service you provide.) Listen to other shoppers when you’re out. What are they looking for? What do they ask employees to find for them?

Consumers can help inspire ideas that you can capitalize on in a number of ways; it can be as simple as posting a service offered Craigslist ad or as complex as starting a new business.

5. Help Someone at the Unemployment Office

I know—most people get their checks either in the mail or through direct deposit. Let’s stretch this one to include any place where unemployed people gather, like temp offices, for example.

Initiate conversations with some of the other people, and ask what they did before they got laid off. Focus entirely on their job search, not your own. Ask them to email you their resume so you can forward it to friends who may need someone with matching skills.

By the law of reciprocity, these people will naturally feel inclined to support your job search, as well. Two heads are better than one, and so on.

6. Make Your Money Multiply Itself

I wasn’t sure about this one, but according to the US Bureau of Engraving and Printing, it’s not illegal to write on dollar bills—it’s only illegal to defile them in a way that makes them unfit for circulation. (The website wheresgeorge.com gives this same explanation for the popular money tracking service.)

You could write, “I can make you more of these” and then your website address. This would be most effective if your URL implies what you do—ie: MarketingExpert.com. I’m going to try this one myself; I’ll let you know how it works!

7. Drive Your Way to Gainful Employment

Make a custom bumper sticker with a funny slogan and your website. If you want a simple way to catch people’s eye, write “Cash Reward for Getting Me a Job, MikeTheSalesman.com.” Or whatever your site is.

Michael Checkoway of Atlanta, Georgia took this approach. He offered all kinds of rewards, including cash and vacations, to anyone who could help him find event management work. He even set up a website specifically for this purpose. He’s since found the job of his dreams (and updated the site).

Now is the perfect time to get creative to seize the life you want. What ideas do you have to add?

Have something to share with our 63,500 followers? Read our submission guidelines and drop us a line at email @ tinybuddha.com

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by Sam Russell

“What is not started today is never finished tomorrow.” ~Goethe

As a cynic, I’m unsurprisingly cynical about such a statement.

I’m a serial procrastinator—avoiding things is what I do, and I’m left wondering if good old Goethe was hiding the fact that he was potentially stumped with writer’s block, immersed in a bunch of chores he didn’t want to do and occasionally depressed.

He had a point, admittedly: if you don’t get up and do it, it’ll never get done. We avoid things for a lot of reasons; some things are huge and can be quite scary. Other things are relatively insignificant and often leave us wondering why we ran from them to begin with.

It’s easier said than done, though, isn’t it? If I got up and started today (finishing by tomorrow if all goes to plan), I would have written this over a week ago. There were things in the way that stopped me from harnessing my get-up-and-go. Like depression. Self-doubt. Su-doku.

I’ve started using Goethe’s maxim to clear away the small, annoying stuff that I’ll never be free of if I don’t start clearing them today. Which means that I’ll never get round to doing the stuff I really want to do:

1. Start embracing three positive things from your day.

This article—A Scientific Perspective on Happiness; Rules in Your Head—will tell you all you need to know. I’ve been using it for about two weeks and have already seen the difference it’s made in my attitude: I feel happier and proud that I can now bake vegan cookies successfully. No more masses of gooey dough in my oven.

Knowing that you achieved three things in your day that made you feel good and knowing why you achieved them helps evict the Doubt Monster—meaning that it won’t be in your way so often.

2.  Don’t force it.

I’m guilty of believing that you have to be authoritarian with yourself in order to achieve; but all it does is make you feel worse if you don’t reach the often unrealistic goals you set yourself. Don’t be so harsh on yourself; it can take time before you’re ready to do those things.

3.  Purge the frustration tank.

You know what I mean, right? You sit down to revise your budget and every single digit is sitting on the page laughing, throwing paper planes and blowing raspberries at you. You forget to pencil in your train fare; fail to see you didn’t carry the one about thirty sums back; and you’ve just realised your insurance company has been leeching more money from you than you’re comfortable with.

So you quit with the budget and stomp off to make a cup of tea, unable to face the torment again.

Take a scrap of paper and write down all of the things that are bugging you—it doesn’t matter how trivial. Ticking clocks drive me insane. Write them all down. Don’t miss anything. Once you’ve completed the list, tear it up and throw it in the bin.

I burn mine. Or, you could sit down and tell your pet everything that irritates you; cats are always the best listeners. With your frustrations vented, you’ll feel better prepared for tackling that budget with a clearer head.

4.  Commit random acts of creativity.

You don’t have to be a world class artist, writer or musician to create. I commit myself to an hour a day to creating something, whether it’s clearer notes from my saxophone, fresh brownies, a charcoal sketch or a few paragraphs of a story.

Putting aside that space allows me to express myself without anyone else’s vested interests. Think about it: When do you get to express yourself instead of other people? Their views, feelings, needs – we spend a lot of time expressing and fulfilling those, so isn’t it about time we did the same for ourselves?

Procrastinating isn’t a bad thing. Avoiding the bigger issue to clear away the debris of a noisy, unhappy mind is a positive and healthy thing to do. That will make it a lot easier to start with the bigger things tomorrow.

Have something to share with our 63,000  followers? Read our submission guidelines and send your guest post to email @ tinybuddha.com.

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by Lori Deschene

“In a gentle way, you can shake the world.” ~Gandhi

Both the industrial and digital revolutions promised increased productivity, meaning people could work less and live a more balanced life. We all know that’s not how history has played out.

Even as technology advances, we work longer hours than ever—and ironically, struggle financially and accrue more debt with each passing year.

If you haven’t noticed adverse effects on your personal relationships or the other areas of your life, you’ll likely keep plowing full-steam ahead—and only stop when you have a compelling reason.

So here’s my proposition: work as often as you damn well please! It’s your life; these are your moments to fill and hopefully enjoy. But if you find yourself feeling stressed or detached from the present moment—if you sense life is passing you by as you complete spreadsheets and eat at your desk—you may benefit from one of these ideas to slow down throughout the day:

10. Eat slowly.

This is a tough one for me. I devour food—always have. But I’ve found that eating more mindfully can be a meditative practice. Chew every bite more, analyze tastes like you’re a foodie, and generally savor the experience. It likely won’t add more than 10 minutes to your meal time, yet it will give you the chance to seep into the moment.

9. Do nothing for 15 minutes after waking up.

Have you ever opened your eyes and immediately pulled out your iPhone or laptop? Or how about this: do you roll out of bed two seconds after waking, having already created a 10-item to-do list in your head? Taking 15 minutes to just lay with your thoughts allows you to ease into your day without such a sense of urgency.

8. Stare at a photo online instead of reading an article.

We’re knowledge seekers, which is a great thing. The more we learn, the more we understand and grow. However, the digital era presents a unique challenge: with so much information available it’s tempting to seek knowledge far more often than you apply it. Instead of learning something new on your lunch break, kick back and appreciate a beautiful image. Stillness is the answer to many of the questions you’ve been asking.

7. Choose an activity you usually multi-task and do only that.

(Previously mentioned in 8 Ways to Stay Present & Focused in a Tech-Driven World). Choose one task to complete mindfully today, and maybe add to that tomorrow. My favorite is folding laundry. It’s warm, clean, and most importantly done. Since I have an overactive mind, I need to tell myself certain things to stay in the moment: Enjoying this moment is my only task; there is nowhere to get to—only right now to be; nothing exists but this laundry in front of me (obviously not true, but it keeps me grounded.)

6. Stare at your turned-off-TV for 10 minutes before turning it on.

A lot of us fill our downtime catching up on TiVoed favorites. Absorbed by external stimulation, you miss out on the opportunity to connect with yourself—and before you know it, an hour’s gone by, and you have to get back to work. Or your kids. Or dinner. Before you get to your show, take a few minutes to just sit there and breathe. Use the screen as a canvas for visualization. Project your daydreams onto the tube, and sit with that for a few.

5. Block a half-hour of unplanned time in your planner.

Don’t plan to take a walk or meditate (although those aren’t bad ideas). Instead, plan to do whatever you end up doing. Get up, walk around, and see where that takes you. Maybe you’ll end up helping your neighbor wash his car, or playing jump rope with your niece. Nothing makes you feel present like spontaneity.

4. Write Parkinson’s Law somewhere you can see it often: “Work expands to fill the time available for its completion.”

Maybe you really need 10+ hours a day to get everything on your to-do list done. Or maybe you’re stretching your work to fill longer hours because society associates so many positive things with busyness. This saying reminds me to limit my work and still get it done so I can then focus on other things.

3. Notice the sights when you drive.

Have you ever watched a frantic driver bob in and out of traffic, passing and merging, only to find him right beside you at the red light? If road rage saves time, it’s generally not much—and it usually isn’t worth the stress it creates. Play some soothing music, notice license plates, bumper stickers, and the scenery, and allow yourself to enjoy this time.

2. Metaphorically toss your phone in the ocean for a half-hour every day.

I love the classic movie scene where the overworked protagonist tosses her phone into the ocean, or a fountain, or out the window and reclaims her sense of freedom. It’s not easy to disconnect from our always-on world, but the benefits of being unreachable make it worth the initial discomfort.

1. Say no.

Saying yes can open you up to new possibilities, but saying no can gives you a chance for me-time: an hour when you don’t have to keep any commitments or please anyone else; or a half-hour when you can just kick back and do absolutely nothing.

—

Small changes throughout your day can slow down your pace without killing your productivity. Go ahead and keep getting things done–just remember you don’t need to do it all in a panicked state of stress. If you find a more peaceful process you’ll likely be both happier and more effective.

Interested in contributing? Read our submission guidelines and drop us a line at email @ tinybuddha.com.

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by Sonya Derian

“More powerful than the will to win is the courage to begin.” ~Unknown

I’ve spoken with a number of people recently who are doing something that is “just okay” with their lives but who really want to be doing something else. They feel an urgency to break free and go for it, even though they haven’t defined “it.”

I think a lot of people, if not currently there, understand this. It’s in our nature to move toward greater expression. When we’re not moving in a forward direction, we question ourselves, wondering what we’re doing with our lives—and what we’re waiting for.

And yet nothing changes.

Part of the issue is knowing where to start. The other part is fear of the unknown. Both can prevent you from committing.

The nature of commitment is in staying the course, going the distance, falling and getting back up again, continuing onward.

The question is: what are you committed to? Sometimes we mistakenly commit ourselves to the outcome without committing ourselves first to the process.

For example, I know a person who talks about the book in his head. It’s going to be a best seller.  It’s going to be made into a movie and it’s going to make him millions of dollars.

But he hasn’t even written the first chapter. He’s committed to the outcome before being committed to the process. The process would be showing up at the page. That’s the commitment.

Outcome is all about “getting there.” It’s ego based. It’s about winning the prize. Gaining the acknowledgement. Accepting the praise. Process is all about “being here”.  It’s humble, lowly, and scary.

But only by committing to the process can we arrive at the outcome.

Therein lays the commitment.

So, the question is: what are you committed to?

We want to make it a bigger question than it is, but sometimes the commitment is simply to show up. I had a teacher who used to tell me “Show up for your success.” And that was her message to me. Over and over again. If I showed up, I fulfilled my commitment.

For most of us, when we’re not advancing in some way or utilizing our full potential we feel stagnant—like we’re moving backwards, which is very much against our nature. We made an agreement with ourselves that we are here to move forward. To express. To experience. To expand.

When we’re not, we feel like we are somehow failing the commitment we have to ourselves.

But if you don’t know what you’re committed to, you can’t possibly progress. A great start is to ask yourself, “What is the one thing that would upset me if, at the end of my life, I do not attempt, do, or complete?”

If there’s an immediate answer, you must commit to that. If there’s no immediate answer, you  may be feeling an unnecessary pressure to create a great masterpiece, when in all reality, you just have to start by doodling. And let it take shape, gain momentum, and morph into an amazing creation you didn’t realize you were capable of.

All it takes to get there is commitment.

You won’t hit a home run every time you get up to swing—but that’s the only way you can create the possibility of a run. Even if you miss. Or bunt. Or strike out. Your commitment is to go through the process—not to get the perfect outcome every time. Sooner or later you’re going to get the perfect ball. Make it past first base. And join the team that will help you go all the way.

All because you got up to the plate and took hold of the bat.

The question is, are you willing? Are you willing to get in the game?

Even if it’s humbling? Even if there’s a learning curve? Even if there is no guarantee of success? Even if you’re afraid? Even if the steps seem insignificant? Even if you don’t know what you’re doing?

Are you still willing to show up? Are you still willing to move forward? Are you still willing to do it anyway?

Because that is the commitment. That’s the price of admission. That’s what it takes to make something happen.

You have to show up. In fact, your only job is to show up and continue showing up. Put one foot in front of the other and stay the course. Even if you don’t know if you’re doing it right. Even if you don’t know if you’ll ever get there. Even if you don’t know where it will lead.

The most important thing is that you’re willing to find out.

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“The sculptor produces the beautiful statue by chipping away such parts of the marble block as are not needed- it is a process of elimination.” ~Elbert Hubbard

A couple weeks back you probably wrote out a list of resolutions; that’s what people do when a new year approaches. And that’s a wonderful idea.

According to research published in the University of Scranton Journal of Clinical Psychology, people who explicitly set resolutions are 10 times more likely to reach their goals than people who don’t.

Perhaps your list addressed  multiple areas of your life–professional milestones you’d like to reach, objectives for your health and fitness, experiences you’d like to have. If you’re a blogger, you may even have listed 50 things you’d like to achieve. It’s a popular format in the world of online lists.

As impressive as all these plans look on a page–and as capable as you may be–you might find it difficult to follow through with all those good intentions.

As a culture, we tend to think more is better, but this mindset often sacrifices quality for quantity; never mind that it sets most of us up for failure. When you overwhelm yourself with plans and information you’re likely to get overwhelmed and stop before you start.

Statistically, only 64 percent of people keep moving forward with their New Years resolutions into February; and only 46 keep going beyond the 6-month mark. The rest slowly go back to what they’ve always done, perhaps recommitting when January comes again.

If you find yourself already losing steam or motivation–or if your past suggests you might do so eventually–now may be a great time to revamp that list you made.

Whittle it down to just a few key goals, making sure each of them is SMART (described in more detail here). Break each one down into small steps, and spend a little time every day working toward each of them.

Staying focused and committed to a few objectives, and achieving your desired results will be far more fulfilling than making short strides multiple directions.

You may be surprised by how rich your life feels when you do less, but do it better.

Do happy. It’s something you’re due.

Read more Do Happy tips. Photo here.

by Lori Deschene

“Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you respond to it.” -Charles Swindoll

One day everything seems great in your world; maybe not perfect, but overall things are going to plan. And then something happens.

You lose your job. Or someone you love. Or your home. Or maybe even your health.

It isn’t fair. You don’t deserve it. You didn’t see it coming. You didn’t plan for it. You have so many feelings and frustrations you don’t know what to do first–or if you want to do anything at all.

It would be easier to sit around feeling bad. Looking for people to blame and complain to. Rehashing what you could have done to make things happen differently. Or what you would have done if you only realized before. Or what other people should have done to help you.

All great options if you want to maximize your misery and feel justified in doing it. Not so great if what you want is to deal and move on.

You have to do this eventually when something bad happens; and the faster you do it, the sooner you’ll improve your situation.

There is no shortage of opportunities to practice dealing well. If you’d like to work on improving the 90% of life that is how you respond, you may find these tips helpful:

1. Make acceptance an immediate priority.

Dealing with a bad situation can be a lot like dealing with grief–and people often go through the same stages: shock and denial, pain and guilt, anger and bargaining, and so on.

You might not be able to fully squelch your emotions; but you can decide to accept what’s happened, regardless of how you feel about it. The sooner you accept it, the sooner you can act from where you are–which is the only way to change how you feel.

It’s like the quote from a recent post on getting started when you don’t feel ready: “Don’t wait for your feelings to change to take action. Take the action and your feelings will change.”

2. Remove fair from your vocabulary.

As kids we’re all about fair. “He took my train–it’s not fair.” “You said you’d buy me a new bike–it’s not fair!” “I had that crayon first–it’s not fair.”

You’d think we’d learn early on that life isn’t fair; but instead we cling to how we think things should be. Hard work should be rewarded. Kindness should be reciprocated. When things don’t work out that way, we feel angry at the world and bad for ourselves.

Feeling outraged about life’s injustices won’t change the fact that things are often random and beyond your control. When you start going on an unfair spiral, remind yourself, “It is what it is.” And then choose a reaction that aligns with the way you’d like the world to be.

3. Focus on the life lesson.

In Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff, Richard Carlson recommends pretending that everyone is enlightened but you–that everyone you meet is here to teach you something.

In this way, you’ll see someone who annoys or frustrates you as an opportunity to work on your patience. This same mindset can help improve the way you interpret and respond to events in your life.

If you lost your job, perhaps the life lesson is to determine your true purpose. If your relationship falls apart, the life lesson may be to become more independent. Focusing on the lesson allows you to work on positive change, which will make you feel empowered instead of deflated.

4. Question whether it’s as big a problem as it seems.

We often turn minor upsets into huge catastrophes in our minds. Little in life is as horrible as it appears to be at first. Some things are challenging–like losing your job, your home, or worse, someone you love. But most situations can be solved.

Sometimes they’re even blessings in disguise. Barbara Rommer, M.D., interviewed 300 people who’d had near-death experiences. The majority of her subjects experienced spiritual awakenings, proving that what didn’t kill them only made them stronger.

Whatever you’re dealing with, is it really the end of the world? And more importantly, if you bounced back with an even better situation–a higher paying job, or a more satisfying relationship–how impressed would you be with yourself?

5. Make “Get strong” your mantra.

You may think Kanye West doesn’t have a place in tinybuddha world, but the dude got one thing right: “N-n-now that which don’t kill me can only make me stronger.”

This idea has saved me many times over. At 21 I spent four months hospitalized with a serious illness, and missed my college graduation. So much felt unfair about how it all panned out.

Then I remembered what my friend Rich had told me: “I know you feel powerless right now, but you’re going to rock the world when you get strong.” Whenever I deal with adversity, I remind myself to keep rocking.

6. Remember you can continue from this new place.

It’s easy to get attached to the road you’re on, especially if it makes you happy. When something or someone throws you off, you may feel disconnected from who you want to be or what you want to do in life.

It may help to remember a hurdle doesn’t have to obliterate your plans. Even if you lose your job, you can still pursue your professional goals–and maybe even more efficiently.

There is always more than one way to skin a cat. The sooner you focus on finding a new way, the sooner you’ll turn a bad thing good.

7. Ask yourself how someone you respect would handle the situation.

I recently put my heart into a blogging competition. I had to get votes from the public to win; and I ran a huge campaign to accomplish that. I ended in second place with just over 57,000 votes.

When I didn’t win, I felt disappointed and even a little embarrassed. I’d failed in front of thousands of people.  My best wasn’t good enough.

So I asked myself how someone with integrity would handle the situation. The answer: she’d congratulate the winner. Identify everything she learned from the experience. And move on to the next goal with her head held high. Acting on that advice made me feel proud of myself instead of disappointed.

***

People will remember the things you accomplish, but the way you handle life’s challenges can affect them just as strongly. Life happens, and it isn’t always easy. You can bemoan it and fight it, or see dealing with life’s challenges as the most important challenge of all.

You can’t always get what you want; but you can work at being who you want to be no matter what life throws at you.

Related posts:

• 5 Ways to Let Go and Embrace an Uncertain Future
• 40 Ways to Let Go and Feel Less Pain
• 5 Ways to Let Go of Resistance
• 7 Reasons to Be Happy Even if Things Aren’t Perfect Now

by Lori Deschene

“It is easy when we are in prosperity to give advice to the afflicted.” ~Aeschylus

Earlier this year I got some feedback from the ‘tween magazine I wrote for: “It sounds like good advice, but kids probably won’t do any of that.”

In my head it all sounded logical, but I didn’t consider whether I’d have taken that advice as a kid. Or now for that matter.

People do it all the time: look at a situation from a removed, non-emotional place, and hurl suggestions that are far easier said than done. And sometimes, just plain unrealistic.

I’ve listed 5 of these hard-to-follow, cliché pieces of advice, along with alternative suggestions you may actually be inclined to take.

1. Don’t worry about what other people think.

Unless you are a complete narcissist you will likely never master this one. Try as you may to turn off the part of your brain that thinks about other people’s perceptions, you will always care on some level.

This is a good thing. It’s what allows us to feel compassion. It reminds us to consider other people before we make choices that could be hurtful. It humbles us and reminds us to be better every day, both for ourselves and the people around us.

Instead of trying not to worry about what people think, learn to filter your worries into two buckets in your head:

Worry you can channel for something good.

If you’re worried your employer thinks you’re incompetent because you did poorly on your last task, turn it into determination to improve. If you’re worried your friend’s upset because you forgot her birthday, put that feeling into a belated card and let her know how much she means to you.

Worry you need to let go of.

You experience this when you’re worried about strangers’ perceptions, for example. You can’t strong-arm strangers into seeing you the way you want to be seen. You can only work harder to actually be that person. Put your energy into that and let your worry fade behind your efforts as best you can.

2. You don’t need other people to make you happy.

Derivatives of this advice include: Be your own best friend. All you need is you. Complete yourself. All wonderful platitudes that may make you feel empowered and strong for a while.

And maybe for longer if you’re not one of these people Barbara Streisand sings about. You know: people who need people. Most of us do need people. Maybe not to be complete, but to feel a sense of connection.

Instead of trying to be an army of one, work on depending on yourself and needing people simultaneously. Devote time to the things that make you happy, and risk letting other people be a large part of that.

If you walk around thinking “I don’t need anyone” you might close yourself off from potentially deep and amazing connections.

It’s like Christopher McCandless said: true happiness is shared. Find your own happiness, and let people give it to you, too.

3. Do what you love and the money will follow.

Forgive me for not sugar-coating, but this is a complete fallacy. You’re more likely to make money if you do something you love because you’ll put your heart in it, even when things get tough—which means you’ll keep going long enough to see some type of reward. But there’s no guarantee here.

If this statement was universally true there would be no starving artists. No crowds of hopefuls at American Idol auditions.

Passion is not a magic potion that ensures you’ll be successful. It helps your cause, but it can’t support it alone. Most people don’t stumble into acclaim or wealth; a very small percentage of the world was at one point discovered by someone and then handed success.

If what you want is money, work hard at whatever you do, whether you love it or not. You’ll probably need to arrive earlier and leave later than other people. You’ll have to sacrifice other things in your life, like time with your family and friends.

If you do what you love and work hard, then the money may follow. If you do what you love and balance work with play, you’ll likely make enough money to be comfortable and happy.

4. Smile and the whole world smiles with you.

You probably have a very nice smile, but odds are it won’t spontaneously inspire 7 billion people to follow suit—or even the 50 people in your vicinity. Maybe not even the four people in your living room.

Don’t get me wrong; smiling is often contagious. Someone who is in a good mood can very easily uplift people in her midst. But it doesn’t always work that way. Sometimes, try as you may to share positive energy, the people around you stay stubbornly immersed in their own negativity.

A better piece of advice: smile and accept that some people may act in opposition. Those people may stay upset or bitter about whatever they’re holding onto. They may even be annoyed by your good mood because they can’t find it within them to let go of their pain.

But you will affect others. And inspire them. And motivate them to find and hold onto happiness. Act for yourself and those people. It’s not the whole world, but it’s a whole lot to fill your heart with.

OK this is just four–I’m leaving the fifth up to you. I’m sure you can think of a lot more advice that sounds good on paper but doesn’t apply so easily to real-world situations. Add them in the comments. You get what you give. (Another cliché—true or not?)

Lori Deschene, lead contributor, lives in the San Francisco Bay Area. Read more of her tinybuddha posts here, and follow her on Twitter @lori_deschene. Photos found here and here.

Some posts to read while making New Years Resolutions:

by Lori Deschene

There’s this saying I used to love that doesn’t resonate with me anymore:

“Go big or go home.”

I understand the allure of doing big things.

Life seems more meaningful when you’re pursuing a passion that could feasibly improve life for masses of people; and at the end of the day, most of us want to create a legacy—something that lives on beyond our own ripple-in-the-ocean life spans.

I’m not arguing the benefits of going big if that’s what you want to do—especially since I have a few big plans of my own. But there are a couple of implications here I would like to debunk:

1. If you’re playing small, you’re not playing smart.

Wrong. Determine what makes you happy and gives you a sense of purpose, and then live it—whether that means finding a cure for cancer, or finding your son’s favorite toy for the fifteenth time in a day.

Play by your own rules; no one else’s.

2. If you’re not doing something big, you’re not making a difference.

Wrong. Revolutionaries like Ted Kennedy and titans like Ted Turner made massive contributions to the world, but our society also advances when parents raise well-adjusted children, and teachers inspire students to utilize their talents and overcome pressures.

Whether you have grand plans or not, I think it’s important to play small every day—even while keeping your eye on a larger goal. The little things make a huge difference, both for us and the people whose lives we touch.

Each of these small acts will make a meaningful difference in someone’s life, and hopefully fill you with joy and satisfaction:

1. Talk to an elderly person you meet waiting at the DMV or sitting on the bus. Ask him about his life, his children, the job he had before retiring.

It’s an unfortunate fact that many elderly people are isolated from society—and sometimes their families, if they have them. They crave meaningful connections and opportunities to share their passions, memories, and wisdom.

You may be surprised by what you receive when you extend that gift. But most importantly, you’ll give something small but powerful to someone who’s already given the world so much.

2. Find a blog about a topic you enjoy—one that doesn’t have any comments—and get in on the conversation.

There are over 100 million blogs on the net, about every topic under the sun. Many of those bloggers couldn’t care less about advertising revenue or thought leadership. They just want to share their passions, and hopefully connect with other people.

Your thoughtful comment could brighten their day, and reinforce that people truly are listening.

3. Ask a homeless person if there’s someone you can call for them.

Lots of homeless people have become alienated from their families, particularly the younger ones. Maybe they’re too proud to ask for help, or afraid their loved one won’t be receptive to their plea.

That pride or fear could be the biggest mistake of their life; and you could help them overcome it. If they’re not receptive, or if they truly have no one to call, just lend an ear. Perhaps in telling his story he’ll find the strength to seek help.

4. Prove someone cynical wrong.

There are a lot of people out there who believe people are basically selfish; that no one does anything just to be helpful or kind. I think that’s the saddest way to be in this world, because we generally seek evidence for the beliefs we form. Meaning it’s really difficult to reverse this perspective.

Do something completely selfless for that person. It may not change their philosophy, but maybe it will challenge it. You never know when one simple kindness will soften the anger or pain someone’s holding.

5. Tweet, “Is there anything I can do to help or support you today?”

It’s a simple question, but I’ve found it can make a significant difference.

As a direct result of asking, I’ve edited a college senior’s resume, introduced someone to his next employer, and helped a new friend name a website he started just last month (BuddhaDoes.com).

Sometimes the best way to make a difference is to open your heart and be a friend, whatever that means to the person who needs one.

The most meaningful acts are often the ones we commit without prompting or expectations.

We have such profound power when we lend an ear, a hand, or an act of kindness because it reminds the recipient that people are good. People do care. That’s what gives life meaning: the people who touch our lives, and the people whose lives we touch.

I’d love to know what you think. Have anything to add to the list?

Lori Deschene, lead contributor, lives in the San Francisco Bay Area. Read more of her posts here and follow her on Twitter @lori_deschene.

Recent posts by Lori Deschene you may enjoy:

• 20 Ways to Show You Care Without Spending a Dime
• 10 Questions to Ask Yourself Before Giving Up on Your Dream
• 40 Ways to Let Go and Feel Less Pain
• 7 Reasons to Be Happy Even if Things Aren’t Perfect Now

“It is never too late. Even if you are going to die tomorrow, keep yourself straight and clear and be a happy human being today.” -Lama Yeshe

There’s a common misconception that there comes a point when it’s too late to do things you want to do. Maybe one of these statements sounds familiar to you:

“I can’t become a designer. I’m far too old to change my career path.”

“I’ll never get married. It’s too late in the game for that.”

“I couldn’t possibly start yoga. That’s for people much younger than me.”

We choose arbitrary windows of time when we imagine we should have tried something, and then believe it’s not possible once those days have past.

The saddest part of this way of thinking is that we’re generally right. Not because it can’t be done; but because we can only do what we believe we can.

If you don’t think it’s possible to begin a new profession, you won’t take a training course, send out resumes, or make the connections you need to succeed.

If you don’t believe it’s possible to fall in love, you likely won’t put yourself out there, and open your heart to let someone in.

If you don’t think your body can get stronger and more flexible, you’ll stay on your couch instead of trying a class, going to the next one, and being patient with your progress.

Instead of doing the things that would make you feel alive and proud of yourself, you’ll simply sit back–feeling frustrated, regretful, and maybe even a little jealous of other people who make their own rules.

Barring physical limitations, it is never too late–for anything. No matter what you did yesterday, or what type of person you’ve been, you can wake up today and decide who you want to be. Don’t think about as changing. Think about as living this moment as you want to.

You may not accomplish in your remaining time what someone who started decades earlier will. But you won’t accomplish anything if you refuse to start. And more importantly, with each day that passes, you’ll feel a greater disconnect between the life you’re living and the life you dream about.

Get started. Take a small step. What you’re seeking isn’t necessarily the end goal you think you need years to reach. It’s a life aligned with who you want to be. You can be that person right now.

Do happy. It’s something you’re due.

Photo credit

Other Do Happy tips you may enjoy:

• Celebrate a Non-Event
• Act Your Shoe Size
• Seek Smiles at Work