tinybuddha.com

by Founder Lori Deschene

“Criticism is something you can easily avoid by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing.” ~Aristotle

At the end of the day, when I feel completely exhausted, oftentimes it has nothing to do with all the things I’ve done.

It’s not a consequence of juggling multiple responsibilities and projects. It’s not my body’s way of punishing me for becoming a late-life jogger after a period of cardiovascular laziness. It’s not even about getting too little sleep.

When I’m exhausted, you can be sure I’ve bent over backwards trying to win everyone’s approval. I’ve obsessed over what people think of me, I’ve assigned speculative and usually inaccurate meanings to feedback I’ve received, and I’ve lost myself in negative thoughts about criticism and its merit.

I work at minimizing this type of behavior—and I’ve had success for the most part—but admittedly it’s not easy.

I remember back in college, taking a summer acting class, when I actually made the people around me uncomfortable with my defensiveness. This one time, the teacher was giving me feedback after a scene in front of the whole class. She couldn’t get through a single sentence without me offering some type of argument.

After a couple minutes of verbal sparring, one of my peers actually said, “Stop talking. You’re embarrassing yourself.”

Looking back, I cut myself a little slack. You’re vulnerable in the spotlight and the student’s reaction was kind of harsh. But I know I needed to hear it. Because I was desperately afraid of being judged, I took everything, from everyone as condemnation.

I realize criticism doesn’t always come gently from someone legitimately trying to help. A lot of the feedback we receive is unsolicited and doesn’t come from teachers—or maybe all of it does.

We can’t control what other people will say to us, whether they’ll approve or form opinions and share them. But we can control how we internalize it, respond to it, and learn from it, and when we release it and move on.

If you’ve been having a hard time dealing with criticism lately, it may help to remember the following:

The Benefits of Criticism:

Personal Growth

1. Looking for seeds of truth in criticism encourages humility. It’s not easy to take an honest look at yourself and your weaknesses, but you can only grow if you’re willing to try.

2. Learning from criticism allows you to improve. Almost every critique gives you a tool to more effectively create the tomorrow you visualize.

3. Criticism opens you up to new perspectives and new ideas you may not have considered. Whenever someone challenges you, they help expand your thinking.

4. Your critics give you an opportunity to practice active listening. This means you resist the urge to analyze in your head, planning your rebuttal, and simply consider what the other person is saying.

5. You have the chance to practice forgiveness when you come up against harsh critics. Most of us carry around stress and frustration that we unintentionally misdirect from time to time.

Emotional Benefits

6. It’s helpful to learn how to sit with the discomfort of an initial emotional reaction instead of immediately acting or retaliating. All too often we want to do something with our feelings—generally not a great idea!

7. Criticism gives you the chance to foster problem solving skills, which isn’t always easy when you’re feeling sensitive, self-critical, or annoyed with your critic.

8. Receiving criticism that hits a sensitive spot helps you explore unresolved issues. Maybe you’re sensitive about your intelligence because you’re holding onto something someone said to you years ago—something you need to release.

9. Interpreting someone else’s feedback is an opportunity for rational thinking—sometimes, despite a negative tone, criticism is incredibly useful.

10. Criticism encourages you to question your instinctive associations and feelings; praise is good, criticism is bad. If we recondition ourselves to see things in less black and white terms, there’s no stop to how far we can go!

Improved Relationships

11. Criticism presents an opportunity to choose peace over conflict. Oftentimes, when criticized our instinct is to fight, creating unnecessary drama. The people around us generally want to help us, not judge us.

12. Fielding criticism well helps you mitigate the need to be right. Nothing closes an open mind like ego—bad for your personal growth, and damaging for relationships.

13. Your critics give you an opportunity to challenge any people-pleasing tendencies. Relationships based on a constant need for approval can be draining for everyone involved. It’s liberating to let people think whatever they want—they’re going to do it anyway.

14. Criticism gives you the chance to teach people how to treat you. If someone delivers it poorly, you can take this opportunity to tell them, “I think you make some valid points, but I would receive them better if you didn’t raise your voice.”

15. Certain pieces of criticism teach you not to sweat the small stuff. In the grand scheme of things, it doesn’t matter that your boyfriend thinks you load the dishwasher “wrong.”

Time Efficiency

16. The more time you spend dwelling about what someone said, the less time you have to do something with it.

17. If you improve how you operate after receiving criticism, this will save time and energy in the future. When you think about from that perspective—criticism as a time saver—it’s hard not to appreciate it!

18. Fostering the ability to let go of your feelings and thoughts about being critiqued can help you let go in other areas of your life. Letting go of worries, regrets, stresses, fears, and even positive feelings helps you root yourself in the present moment. Mindfulness is always the most efficient use of time.

19. Criticism reinforces the power of personal space. Taking 10 minutes to process your emotions, perhaps by writing in a journal, will ensure you respond well. And responding the well the first time prevents one critical comment from dominating your day.

20. In some cases, criticism teaches you how to interact with a person, if they’re negative or hostile, for example. Knowing this can save you a lot of time and stress in the future.

Self Confidence

21. Learning to receive false criticism—feedback that has no constructive value—without losing your confidence is a must if you want to do big things in life. The more attention your work receives, the more criticism you’ll have to field.

22. When someone criticizes you, it shines a light on your own insecurities. If you secretly agree that you’re lazy, you should get to the root of that. Why do you believe that—and what can you do about it?

23. Learning to move forward after criticism, even if you don’t feel incredibly confident, ensures no isolated comment prevents you from seizing your dreams. Think of it as separating the wheat from the chaff; takes what’s useful, leave the rest, and keep going!

24. When someone else appraises your harshly, you have an opportunity to monitor your internal self-talk. Research indicates up to 80% of our thoughts are negative. Take this opportunity to monitor and change your thought processes so you don’t drain and sabotage yourself!

25. Receiving feedback well reminds you it’s OK to have flaws—imperfection is part of being human. If you can admit weakness and work on them without getting down on yourself, you’ll experience far more happiness, peace, enjoyment, and success.

We are all perfectly imperfect, and other people may notice that from time to time. We may even notice in it each other.

Somehow accepting that is a huge weight off my mind.

by Sonya Derian

A couple weeks ago, I was talking to a friend of mine. I was telling her how I always know when it’s time for me to move. She asked me, “How do you know? What makes you aware that you ‘know’ this?”

It was a reasonable question: What is the actual sign that indicates that you “know” to do anything?

“You just know,” I told her.

“But how?” she was curious.

I didn’t really have a good answer for her at the time, but it stuck with me.

After thinking about it for awhile, I realized it’s not in the ”knowing” that we get stuck. We always know. It is in how well we trust what we know, and whether we’re willing to trust it enough to act upon it.

So, how do you know that you “know” something?

Well let me ask you this: How did you know that you were going to marry the person you married, or take the job you were offered, or go see the new doctor you read about?

What made you decide that this was the right decision for you? What made you “know” that the house you bought was the right one for you, or the apartment you chose to rent was the perfect spot for you?

It’s intangible, isn’t it? It’s a feeling. You know, and then you “know” that you know.

Or, how do you know when it’s time to end a relationship? Or when it’s time to move on from a friendship that is no longer serving you? Even if it’s been one you’ve been with for a long time?

I’m going to say it: usually, you know.

Most often, it’s not the “knowing” that is the case. It’s the trusting.

Trusting that our assessment is accurate, that our feelings are valid, that our observations are not all in our head. Trusting that we know what is true for us.

And then trusting that we have enough courage to take action on what we know.

We often doubt ourselves. We wonder “What if I’m wrong? What if something better doesn’t come along? What if it’s not the right time? What if…?”

So, what to do?

My feeling about it is this: we always know what is going on with us. But fear has the opportunity to creep in when we second guess ourselves.

So, when I get stuck in a particular situation, I always ask myself this question:

“I know what I don’t know. But what is it that I do know?”

And then I usually go into a litany of what I actually know, either because circumstances have proved it in the past, or because of a logical conclusion:

I know that I can never make a wrong decision because I can always “right” my decision down the line. I know that this is an opportunity that is presenting itself now which means on some level I am ready for it.

I know that I can try it out for awhile and see what it’s like. I know that I can always change my mind if I want to. I know that in making a decision, I will propel movement, either way, and change is good. I know that things always work out for me, regardless of what happens. The list goes on and on.

There are a few things we know. Always. And we can stand by them.

So, what is it that stops us, really, from trusting ourselves?

That we’ve made wrong decisions in the past? That some of our decisions have caused us pain or misfortune and we are afraid of our judgment? That we don’t know what the outcome will be and so if we can’t predict it, why risk it?

What is it?

Because even these argument we can dispel. We are a result of all we have lived. Every experience we’ve had contributes to the people we are today. And this is not all bad. We stand at the precipice of new beginnings, right now. Life is full of second chances.

So the question is not if we’ve made poor decisions in the past. Undoubtedly, all of us have!

The question is: how willing we are to get up to the plate and swing again? Make a new decision, have a new experience, try something new.

Trusting yourself is a practice but you can’t get the practice if you don’t start somewhere. How is it that you gain trust of anyone in your life?  Time. Watching whether they do what they say they’re going to do. Consistency. Faith.

So, start with yourself. Build the kind of trust in yourself that you would want in a good friend. Make a decision, stick to it. See what happens.

Someone once pointed it out to me that choices are “strategies”. They’re not right or wrong, good or bad. They simply either work or don’t for the time being.

And when they don’t, you can always choose a new “strategy”.

In either case, it starts with us. Are we willing to take the bet on ourselves that we “know”—that it’s time, or that it’s ours, or that we need to take the risk and just go for it?

That’s what it takes.

Trust in our truth. Faith in ourselves. And a little bit of surrender.

by Lori Deschene

In three weeks, my boyfriend and I might move from the Bay area to LA; or we might move in here with roommates if he decides not pursue a film career.

I am starting a new work-from-home writing gig to pay my bills while I write my book. It might be something I can do in under two days a week, or it may require more time. It may provide enough money, or I might need to get some other work to supplement.

If we move, I might enjoy LA; I might not. I might balance everything well; I might feel overwhelmed. I might make new friends easily in my new area; it might take me a while to find like-minded people.

My world is a towering stack of mights right now. Though I’m dealing with a lot more change than usual, the reality is that most days start and end with uncertainty.

Even when you think you’ve curled into a cozy cocoon of predictability, anything could change in a heartbeat.

The only constant in life is that it will involve change–and try as you may to control the future, sometimes all you can do is trust that whatever happens, you can adapt and make the best of it.

Since I am straddling familiarity and the unknown, waiting to form some type of expectations for my future, I’ve been thinking a lot about dealing with uncertainty well. Though I’ve written before about embracing an uncertain future, I have a few more ideas to add to the mix:

1. Replace expectations with plans.

When you form expectations, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment. You can guide your tomorrow, but you can’t control the exact outcome. If you expect the worst, you’ll probably feel too negative and closed-minded to notice and seize opportunities. If you expect the best, you’ll create a vision that’s hard to live up to.

Instead of expecting the future to give you something specific, focus on what you’ll do to create what you want to experience. I might be lonely in LA; or I might move into an apartment building full of yogis who enjoy Scrabble. None of that is in my hands right now. What is in my hands is what I plan–what I will actively do when I get there to meet friends, find balance and live the life I want.

2. Prepare for different possibilities.

The most difficult part of uncertainty, at least for me, is the inability to plan and feel in control. Until I know where I am going to live, I can’t plan what neighborhood I’d like to live in, where I’ll practice yoga, or what events I’ll attend to meet people. But I can plan for the possibilities.

I can make a list for what I would do if I were to move to LA versus what I’d do if I stay local. Obviously the latter doesn’t require much change, so all I really need is one plan and the flexibility to embrace it if necessary.

3. Become a feeling observer.

It isn’t the uncertainty that bothers me; it’s my tendency to get lost in my feelings about it.

The second I start indulging fear, I get lost in a cycle of reactionary thoughts. “I might be lonely,” leads to, “How will I meet people?” Before you know it, I’ve somehow traveled all the way to, “What if I become a recluse, start overeating, and develop restless leg syndrome from sitting too much–alone–on my couch?”

OK, so that’s a slight exaggeration. The point is that speculation leads to feelings which can lead to more speculation and then more feelings. It helps me to stop the cycle by recognizing the feeling–in that case fear–and the reminding myself: I can’t possibly predict the future, but I can help create it by fostering positive feelings about the possibilities.

4. Get confident about your coping and adapting skills.

This isn’t the same as “expect the worst.” It’s more about assuring yourself that you can handle any difficulty that might come. In her book, The Positive Power of Negative Thinking, Julie K. Norem discusses the concept of defensive pessimism–when you consider the worst so you can plan how you’d handle it. This has actually shown to help people manage anxiety.

Ask yourself, “What’s the worst that can happen?” In my case, the worst would be if my boyfriend didn’t make a decision at all and we stayed in our current living situation (overcrowded and cluttered). I wouldn’t like it, but I could handle it. I could write at the library. I could take the opportunity to downsize my stuff. I could deal, which makes the uncertainty a little less scary.

5. Utilize stress reduction techniques preemptively.

If you’re dealing with uncertainty, you probably have stress in your body even if it’s not at the forefront of your thoughts in this exact moment. Over time, that body stress affects blood pressure, blood sugar, muscle tension, cholesterol level, breathing rate and every organ in your body.

Incorporate stress reduction techniques into your day, ideally meditation, even if just 5-10 minutes daily. Finding your center will help you feel better prepared to tackle whatever comes your way.

6. Focus on what you can control.

Oftentimes we overlook the little things we can do to make life easier while obsessing about the big things we can’t do.

For example, my boyfriend and I are cramped in a small space with little storage. My clothes are in bags spaced throughout the room like some kind of luggage booby trap. At times, I’ve gotten really frustrated with the chaos since I feel I don’t know where anything is.

Every time I couldn’t find something, I started complaining about wanting to move now. Suddenly it dawned on me: moving now just isn’t an option, but I can make this living situation more bearable if I stop complaining and focus on a short-term solution. I asked my boyfriend to help me organize the space and keep it that way, and now I feel a lot less scattered.

7. Practice mindfulness.

When you obsess about a tomorrow you can’t control, you’re too busy judging what hasn’t happened yet to fully experience what’s happening right now. Instead of noticing and appreciating the beauty in the moment, you get trapped in a fear-driven thought cycle about the potential for discomfort down the line.

While meditation is the best way to become more mindful, it isn’t the only approach. Sometimes it helps me to take an inventory of what’s good in today. So I can’t yet plan for tomorrow–that doesn’t have to be a bad thing. That means I can spend today doing other things, like writing, reading, relaxing in the sun, and connecting with people I love.

–

If ever you think you’ve created a controllable, predictable life for yourself, you can rest assured that’s an illusion. Nothing stays the same forever. The uncertainty can keep you up at night, obsessing over ways to protect yourself from anything that might go wrong. Or it can motivate you to practice acceptance, live in the moment, and embrace the adventure of living.

What’s coming tomorrow might not be easy; or it might fulfill you in ways you didn’t know to imagine. What’s certain is that it will come, and when it gets here, you’ll respond to it, learn from it, and move into another tomorrow full of endless possibilities.

Today I’m focusing on my possibilities, not my fear, and suddenly I feel a lot better.

Read more about me on the About page, in the FAQs, on lorideschene.com, or on Twitter @lori_deschene. If you enjoy the site, please support Tiny Buddha! You can also submit a post to email @ tinybuddha.com. Photo by Alejandra Mavroski.

by Sam Russell

“Hope is the feeling that the feeling you have isn’t permanent.” ~Jean Kerr

I’ve just given up smoking. Again. It’s a bad habit that I can’t seem to shake because I’m likely to relapse when I’m stressed.

I try to rationalize my destructive behavior—I don’t smoke heavily; I don’t smoke that much since I stick to rolling tobacco which makes thinner cigarettes; it’s fifteen minutes to myself where nobody will question why I’m taking time to do and think about nothing.

No matter how much I justify my bad habit, I can’t deny that I’m dependent on a bad thing to cancel out a bunch of other bad things.

Most of us use destructive methods to avoid difficult things on occasion. We may choose to remain silent in the face of confrontation instead of speaking out and defending ourselves; or we might hide behind our anger instead of admitting that we’re frustrated and scared.

Here’s what I’ve been doing to deal with my feelings instead of avoiding them:

1. Dig deep and think about what’s really getting to you.

In the past, I’d run outside for my fifteen minutes of silence and cigarettes when I found it impossible to communicate the anger and desperation I was feeling. I still have those things inside of me today, so why am I not elsewhere now, puffing away?

Here’s why: I burst. I screamed at myself in frustration and it all came pouring out. A rambling dialogue between me, myself and I revealed that I felt stuck, stupid and terrified of what my very uncertain future held for me.

I was annoyed at the lack of support I have from the places I really need it and the lack of opportunity where I really need it.

Coming to terms with your feelings is a chore—and a painful one at times—but once you’re in the habit of it, the benefits are immediate and endless.

2. Stay committed to communicating your feelings, even if it gets difficult.

I’m dumbfounded by people who don’t let you get a word in edgewise. You know what it’s like; if you’re in an argument or even talking with good friends, sometimes you’re shut out with little space to express yourself.

In group situations, I’d shut up and sit down if I sensed that I wasn’t going to hold the floor at any point. My experiences have been dire in this arena; I’ve been shouted down and ridiculed many times so it’s no surprise that I chose to stay quiet.

However I’ve found an unusual remedy: mime.

When everyone is yelling (or speaking over you) and battling to hold the stage, use your body to communicate instead of your voice. Actions speak louder than words? They certainly do. This is a real attention-grabber, one you’ll have to commit to for it to be effective.

I recommend it as a tool for getting that silence you need in order to make your voice heard when everything else has failed. Try it. You’ll get stared at but you’ll also get the floor.

3. Don’t let yourself reach boiling point in difficult situations.

Drop everything (carefully) and walk away. Don’t worry about people trying to stop you – you’re on your way out before you do something you regret, like lose your temper.

There’s nothing wrong with walking away from a heavy situation and coming back to it after you’ve calmed down. Take fifteen to twenty minutes to clear your mind, stretch your tense muscles and feel your body working; heart beats, lungs fill and empty, thoughts dissipate. A moment of stillness is enough to cool you down.

If people apprehend you, ask them politely to respect your space. Don’t explain yourself to them. If they can’t take the hint, keep walking until they do.

4. Vent your feelings physically.

One thing I like to do is toss books, papers, and laundry into the air. I’ve also smashed dustbin lids while venting. A lot of people will say that this is just as destructive as yelling and screaming at someone you love, but I disagree. Even if you damage something, it can be replaced; a loved one can’t.

Obviously don’t trash your home, but don’t be scared of expressing yourself physically. It’s immensely helpful for getting in touch with and venting your feelings.

I also like to play music when I’m on the verge of losing it, let it soak into my body and dance. Sports, the creative arts, cookery and gardening are excellent forms of physical release.

Embrace what suits you and get a physical as you possibly can with the activity. Channel all of that anger, irritation or sadness you’re feeling so you can experience and then transform it.

–

The more I move forward without smoking and the more I write for Tiny Buddha, the more I learn not to deny who I am and what I feel.

When you’re in touch with what you’re really feeling, you’re more likely to understand the situation and resolve it instead of avoiding it.

I haven’t smoked in a month and I feel grounded, real, and alive. Approaching my problems head on has made all the difference.

by Lori Deschene

“Don’t wait for people to be friendly. Show them how.” ~Unknown

When I was a teenager—right around the time I knew everything—my mother used to tell me I only remembered the bad things.

When I told stories about my family, they didn’t revolve around family beach trips, barbecues, and vacations; the focused on my parents’ fights and all the ways they “ruined my life.”

The same applied to friends and milestones in my life. I chronically remembered and rehashed the worst experiences.

In fact, straight through college I followed up every introductory handshake with a dramatic retelling of my life story, focusing on a laundry list of grievances about people who had done me wrong.

It was as if I was competing for most royally screwed over in life, like there was some kind of prize for being the most tragic and victimized. (Full disclosure: I hoped that prize was compassion cum unconditional love. It was more like discomfort and avoidance).

Not everyone is as negative or needy as woe-is-me-younger Lori was, but I’ve noticed that many of us have something in common with my misguided past self: we focus on how we’ve been hurt far more than how we’ve been helped.

Psychologists suggest that to some degree we complain because we’re looking to connect with people who can relate to the universal struggles we all face (though in some cases, complaining is a constructive way to find solutions to problems as opposed to a chronic need to vent negativity). I think there’s more to it, though.

When we complain about everything that’s gone wrong, or everyone who has done us wrong, we’re drowning in our self-involvement.

It’s an epidemic in an individualistic culture where self-reliance, autonomy and the pursuit of personal gain can leave us feeling isolated and pressured to succeed. This may not be true for everyone, but I know when I get caught up complaining, nine out of ten times what I need to do is stop obsessing about the circumstances of my life.

It’s taken me a long time, but I’ve learned we don’t need to live life in a constant state of reaction to things that seem difficult or unfair. We don’t have to be the victims of bad coming at us. Our lives don’t have to be the sum of our problems—not if we take responsibility for putting good into the world.

That starts by fostering a greater appreciation for our interdependence. We are not alone. The world is not against us, and we don’t have to be against each other. We don’t have to let our fears, insecurities and wants boil over inside us until we’re all a bunch of incompatible toxic chemicals waiting to explode the second we collide.

You can always find a negative story to tell—some situation when another person was insensitive, selfish, uncaring, unfair, or just plain wrong. You can also find an underlying struggle that doesn’t justify but might explain their behavior.

If you absolutely can’t channel that compassion and patience, you can always find at least one good thing someone did in your day.

When that stranger held the elevator open, when your coworker let you take the lead in your meeting, when your mother called just to say she loves you; they’re all reminders people are looking out for you—maybe not all of them, and maybe not all the time, but probably more than you notice.

An even better way to honor our interconnection: be someone else’s positive story. Be the kindness that reminds someone else the world is not against them. Give them an anchor of positivity to find later if their circumstances seem overwhelming.

If you’ve ever ended a stressful day with a long hug—the type that’s so needed and loving it’s near impossible not to relax and receive—you know the power of a simple gesture.

Need some ideas for simple kindnesses? I recommend checking out the Tiny Buddha Facebook page, where I recently asked friends, “What’s the kindest thing you can do for someone else?”

Some of my favorite suggestions (out of 158) include:

1. Try to accept people with an open mind and refrain from making judgments, which are often wrong anyway. (Brandon Hartford)
2. Let them know how much you appreciate them. (Florence Leedy)
3. Any deed done for someone else is a kind one when you don’t expect something in return. (Courtney Olsen)
4. Do little things like hold doors open or let folk go in or out first. Little things can make a big difference for someone who’s not having a great day. (Elke Wallace)
5. Accept them for who they are and who they strive to be. (Dylan Clauson)
6. Let them know they’ve made you smile. (Monika Sylvestre)
7. Be with them when they need you. For the rest of the time, let them be free. (Rohin Khanna)
8. Tell them the truth. (Krista Hale)
9. Tell them why they make a difference in your life that no one else could possibly make—why their particular brand of “special” makes the world a better place for everyone they meet in it. (Jennifer Hudson Green)
10. Help them help themselves and be independent. (Frantz Art Glass)
11. Believe in them and give them hope. (Melessia Todd)
12. Give a simple well meaning smile. (Jennie McCluskey)
13. The kindest thing you can do for someone else is to take good care of your own mind, body and soul. This enables kindness in all things. (Shyloh Robinson)
14. Spend time listening with the intent of learning. I joined an art guild that is mostly made up of elderly artists who have the most amazing life stories and the best tips and trick for creating artwork. I feel like I get so much more in return for doing nothing more than enjoying their company! (Suzi Ra)
15. The best thing my parents ever taught me—the Golden Rule: do unto others as you would have them do unto you! (Tracy Bruce Laughlin)
16. Be there for them when they fall and not say I told you so. (Ana Stuckart)
17. Give them the space to be. (Natassia Callista Alicia)
18. Lend your shoulder to cry on. (Bryan Tankersley)
19. Thank them for being themselves. (Jen Ghrist)
20. Take a moment to send someone a note thanking them for something they have done for you in the past. For example, a good teacher or a good manager, or someone who was a mentor or role model. (Dave Hughes)
21. Treat each person with respect for his or her individuality. (Shirley Wright)
22. Offer encouragement after a failure. Acceptance of even the weirdest things they possess. A tap for a job well done. A “thank you” to every simple yet life-changing encounter. (Ako Ang Uso)
23. Forgive. (Ivan Kl)
24. Pay attention to them. From the clerk at the store to your kids at home, most people just want to be heard and acknowledged. Understanding comes later, but everyone can pay attention now. (Angela Birt)
25. Listen to someone without trying to fix their problem. (Jane Lynahan Karklin)

Before you head on your merry way to distribute kindness into the world, check out the Tiny Buddha Book page if you haven’t already. In my first book, through publisher Red Wheel/Weiser, I’ve set out to answer life’s hardest questions, incorporating insights from Tiny Buddha readers.

The book will be in stores across the country next fall—and I’d love to include your wisdom and a link to your site so readers can learn more from you.

by Sonya Derian

“After winter comes the summer. After night comes the dawn. And after every storm, there comes clear, open skies.” ~Samuel Rutherford

I was talking to someone this week about his feeling that things weren’t happening fast enough. That with all he was doing, intending and putting out there, that more should be happening—and faster.

My question to him was, “Really? Should things really be happening faster? Or are you exactly where you’re supposed to be?”

There is a tendency, sometimes, to think we have it all figured out. When it should happen, how it should happen, who it should happen with—and before it’s “too late.”

We are powerful creators in life, but the truth is, we’re not in this alone. There are other forces at play, and for the most part, to our benefit.

Have you ever had something occur in your life that you had wished for years earlier, only to realize that now was the perfect timing? That in fact, you wouldn’t have been ready for it any earlier? That in retrospect, everything was leading up to the perfect moment of this unfolding?

We want to feel in charge of our lives. It makes us feel safe knowing that we have control. And to some extent, we have complete control in dictating our desires, in stating our ambitions, and in following our well laid plans.

But sometimes life has a way of throwing us curve balls. There is a delay in an outcome we are hoping to produce, or the timing doesn’t work out as we planned. We’re not where we think we should be, financially, socially, professionally, creatively, or romantically.

And yet even in this, there is perfection.

In other words, for those of you who think your time has passed, or it’s too late, or there is not enough time, I ask you: How do you know this? How do you know that in this moment, right now, you are not exactly where you are supposed to be?

That things are not working out for you, despite appearances?

I had a teacher who used to pose the question: “If everything is perfect exactly as it is, what is it that you are not seeing?”

In other words, what are you gaining from this situation that is perfect for your unfolding, right now; and how is this preparing you for the thing you desire?

We are always afraid our ship is not going to come in, or if it does, it did already and left without us. Our ship may come and go, but there will be another one and another one and another one. And another one.

We are coming into our own in the timing we need. For each of us it will be different, but for each of us, it will also be perfect.

Inspirational leader Mary Morrissey talks about Chinese Bamboo and how it is a very slow-growing and fragile plant. She says that if the bamboo is cared for, watched over and nurtured, in one year it grows two inches, in the next year it grows two inches, in the next year it grows two inches, in the next year it grows two inches, and then in the fifth year, it grows 80 feet!

This is how it is with our development. We intend. We make incremental changes. We show up for our success in whatever way we can. Over time, everything comes to fruition, harmonizing all aspects in such a creative way that if we were to look back on it, we would marvel at the perfection of it all.

We would know that we were making strides all along.

Trust in the perfection of your life and let yourself be fully where you are in the moment. Trust that you are exactly where you are supposed to be. Know that what you have to look forward to is greater than what you are leaving behind.

And trust that you will “arrive” in time and on time, not a minute sooner.

by Sam Russell of Cackhanded

“Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth.” ~Pema Chodron

I’m arachnophobic. Last night, a large spider took up residence on the wall in my room. The shock of seeing its dark mass seated comfortably against the stark white of the paint made the blood drain from my head.

I have ways of dealing with my fears. Sometimes I ignore them and plunge in head-first without thinking; sometimes I avoid them altogether and run for the hills. When it comes to spiders though, I humanize the situation.

I gave Richie, as I named my new roommate, the same courtesy I give to all animals. After a bit of careful planning, I took a deep breath and eased Richie into his temporary residence, ready for relocation to the floating garden. He was evidently more terrified than I was, although he had no reason to be. Even though he felt mortally threatened, I treated him with the same kindness and respect that I show my pets.

I realized then I needed to do the same for myself. I needed to give myself a little kindness, and accept that my fears aren’t necessarily based in reality.

You see I’ve recently come off a bout of depression.

When I’m badly depressed, I stop entirely. I have an obligation to care for my animals, so I drive myself to feed and clean them, but that fails to apply to me.  I don’t eat, I don’t sleep; I don’t do anything other than sit and gaze blankly at my surroundings.

My laundry piles up in a corner. My desk becomes smothered in books, papers and DVDs. I think it’s the same feeling you’d get if you were witness to a horrific event or accident; life stops and everything is painfully numb.

Daylight becomes unbearable as does the natural world around me. I don’t want to be around anyone, let alone talk to them. Most of the time, I skulk off back to bed to stare at the ceiling and sob. It feels like my life is over and the only thing left to do is vanish.

The grief I experience during a depression is overwhelming but never has an obvious cause. It’s not like I can figure out what’s upset me and try to patch things up. But I don’t like to think I end up in this state because of nothing; my depression comes about because of life.

It’s been tough and I struggle a lot emotionally. I’m sensitive and a chronic worrier. I’m frightened and lonely. Big things to admit, but this is my draw in life and I try to make the best of it.

Being depressed is something I dread because I know how difficult it is to climb back out of that hole and worst of all: I don’t have any control over it. I can’t say when it’ll happen, how long it’ll stay or how bad it’ll be. I have to brace myself.

The truth is I’m not just afraid of being depressed (though I am); I’m afraid of letting people down and being judged.

I don’t like to think that I’m afraid of what other people say, I like to pretend I’m a rebel (in part, I am) and that emotionally, I’m tough as nails. In reality, I’m a bit of a softie and open to getting my feelings trampled.

But I’ve come to realize this: we often create fears based on past experiences and blow them out of proportion. They’re not always grounded in reality as it is. Even when they are justifiable, they’re not the things that create us—we create ourselves with what we tell ourselves and how we act.

By believing that our fears are real and irrefutable, we crush ourselves under the weight of their burden.

Every now and then someone comes along and shows you people won’t always act as you feared they would, just like the way I spared Richie instead of squishing him.

Sometimes people will make snap judgments when you’re openly struggling, but we don’t have to join in and judge ourselves. Everyone has their challenges. We might not all deal with depression, but no one is without struggles, and sometimes we need a break.

Sometimes I need a break to take care of myself before I can engage with the world.

Sometimes I push myself too hard to become what other people expect of me—people who think I can just up and change into someone who doesn’t deal with depression.

The truth is that I don’t want to be cured. I want to be free to be who I am. And I want to face and release my fear of being judged for that, which I can only do if I stop being so hard on myself.

Sometimes you have to take a deep breath, look into yourself without judgment, and just be honest with yourself about what’s really scaring you. It’s the only way to identify irrationality, learn what you need, and change how you think and act.

We can challenge and overcome our fears if we’re willing to take power away from them. They aren’t as powerful as we think they are.

The world isn’t waiting to squish us. We definitely shouldn’t squish ourselves.

by Lori Deschene

“If it’s not fun, you’re not doing it right.” ~Bob Basso

A couple weeks back, my boyfriend and I went to our local county fair. I love—love—fairs.

Forget for a minute that adult-me now gets vertigo just looking at a roller coaster; and that my 30-year old digestive track nearly explodes when I catch a whiff of carnie food. When you factor in my increasing interest in crafts and farm animals, it somewhat evens out.

If you’re the fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants, thrill-seeker type, that might sound as exciting as watching paint dry. But I really do love petting furry little creatures and thinking about things I can make.

Standing in the petting zoo, surrounded by llamas, sheep, goats, and even a wallaby, I felt like a kid on Christmas morning. I hopped around to spend equal time with everyone; didn’t want the donkey to feel slighted. I played, I frolicked, I may even have skipped a little.

Truthfully, I would have been equally psyched just to sit back and be a farm voyeur. Just watching the animals scamper and seeing kids’ faces light up as they fed them, I felt happy and peaceful. I didn’t even mind when the goat bit my pant leg. He could have gnawed a hole into my favorite Seven jeans and I still would have found it charming.

Sunny little giggles, that rustic barn smell, the feeling of disconnection from chaotic urban life—everything about that moment appealed to me. I was having fun.

As my boyfriend dragged me out of the petting zoo to see an Eddie Money concert—his brand of fun—I wondered when I’d last felt so happy and free. I did plenty of things I enjoyed in the weeks prior. But none of it was exactly the same. Something was missing. Or perhaps more accurately, something was there most of the time.

That thing was the voice in my head. It sounded a little something like this:

“You quit your job. Are you getting too old for these kinds of risks? Is it really smart to not have insurance? What if you get in an accident and you still don’t have insurance? Did you renew the car insurance?  Should you sell the car? You don’t really drive it any way…”

And so on and so on. With so many changes in my life and so much on my plate these days, that little voice had been getting louder, and oftentimes it felt productive to indulge it. It wasn’t. That type of incessant thinking takes away far more than it gives.

It’s hard to be fully present and have fun when a part of you is getting lost in a mental maze.

Doing something you enjoy while judging, analyzing, worrying, fearing, or regretting in your head is like experiencing the world from inside a plastic bubble. You can see and hear everything, but it’s all diluted.

I don’t believe it’s possible to completely silence the nagging inner voice that constantly interprets and judges. That little mental hamster wheel will spin on occasion all throughout our lives.

But I do think it’s possible to slow it down and even stop it for lengths of time. It’s possible to bottle that farm experience (or whatever does it for you) to make presence, peace, and fun the norm and not the rarity.

It’s actually quite simple. Silencing the inner voice and experiencing more joy comes down to these three things:

1. Practice mental quiet.

2. Incorporate things you enjoy into your day—and practice mental quiet while you experience them.

3. Find things to enjoy in the things you don’t—and practice mental quiet while you experience them.

Let’s break it down:

1. Practice mental quiet.

The mind is like a muscle. If you want it to perform for you in a certain way, you have to train it in advance.

Proponents of meditation recommend meditating 30 minutes in both the morning and evening to produce a clearer mind. I’ll be honest with you: I’ve never done that, and I suspect I never will. But I do enjoy yoga.

A class is usually 60–90 minutes, which allows for at least an hour of moving meditation. Depending on what type of yoga you practice, you can even take a silent class.

If neither of those appeals to you, you could try one of these ideas:

• Once a day, find a quiet place to do something that doesn’t require much thought: knitting, crocheting, or building model ships, for example. Focus solely on the activity, and the sensations of doing it. Commit to breathing deeply and remaining silent throughout the whole experience and your brain will eventually slow down.

• Once daily, sit in nature and simply observe. If your mind starts wandering, notice where it’s headed and then come back to your focus. At first you may feel tempted to get up or at least be mentally productive. With consistent practice, that will fade.

Just be sure to remove all distractions, especially distractions of the tech variety.

2. Incorporate things you enjoy in your day—and practice mental quiet while you experience them.

This may seem somewhat obvious, but if my experience is any indication, it bears saying. Sure, I do things I love, but there are a lot of things I love that I don’t do often, like spending time around animals.

I wondered about that while a lamb nuzzled up against my shin. Why didn’t I have some type of hobby that allowed me to be around animals? And what about the other things that I love so much that I easily get in the zone? Why when things get busy do I sacrifice yoga?

Sometimes we get so caught up in the things we think we should do or need to do that we forget to make joy a priority. Then when we do find pockets of time to do the things we love, oftentimes we’re somewhere else mentally, thinking about everything else.

The best way to challenge this is to create a list of things you love so much they have the potential to melt everything else away. Commit to doing some of these a little every day. Then when you’re doing them, observe your thoughts.

If you start judging, fearing, stressing, or analyzing, notice it and bring yourself back to the present moment. When my mind starts wandering, I tell myself a little something like this:

Stop. Put those thoughts aside. You can think them later if you want to. The most effective thing you can do right now is let yourself enjoy the moment. This moment—this joy—is what you work for. If you can’t enjoy it, the work is pointless.

3. Find things to enjoy in the things you don’t—and practice mental quiet while you experience them.

There are plenty of things you’ll have to do in life that won’t seem fun in any way. I once had a doctor that was chronically a half-hour behind. I hated the time in his waiting room because I felt he was wasting my time. For years I’d show up and sit there seething, thinking all kinds of negative thoughts as if I was spiting him with my unspoken hostility.

It took me a long time to realize that open-ended downtime could be a gift. I could bring music, magazines, whatever, and use the time to recharge before the rest of the day. Since I was on someone else’s time, I could also use it to practice acceptance and mindfulness.

When I thought of it that way, the time seemed both more useful and more fun. I’d like to say that I was always a ray of sunshine in that waiting room, leading scores of once frustrated patients in rounds of Kumbaya. But that’s a lie. Sometimes I drifted back to annoyance, which quickly snowballed into other annoyances.

It’s all too easy for one little grievance to turn into a laundry list of judgments and problems, hence the second part of the equation: practice mental quiet.

When you’re in that situation that’s not quite so fun, it might take work to come back to your peace of mind. It’s worth it to make the effort. It may seem like we have an endless supply of moments in life but the truth is they are finite.

Every one counts if we make it count. Why not make it count?

–

When we were kids, fun was a priority. We always did the things we loved simply because we loved doing them. We didn’t stress about homework at the park because play time was for playing. A boring waiting room wasn’t an obstacle—it was where we played doctor (the G-rated kind).

There’s a whole lot of thinking that can get in the way of mindfulness and presence. The simple point of this somewhat long post: we can choose to quiet those thoughts, and get better at it with practice.

by Genny Ross-Barons

“Why worry about things you can’t control when you can keep yourself busy controlling the things that depend on you?” ~Unknown

I celebrated an anniversary recently. It was the night I experienced my first, and hopefully last, earthquake.

My husband and I had retired for the evening as usual—said our goodnights and went to sleep. I was jarred awake at 2:30 AM by him trying to pull me from our bed. At the same moment I heard the most deafening roar. Could a freight train be barrelling through our loft?

Our attempts to escape the upper level were hampered by the violent shaking. As we stepped forward we were propelled side-to-side.  We were being tossed like rag-dolls as we scrambled down the stairs, only to be greeted by the sound of glass objects smashing from below.

Skirting around the shards of broken stemware, we fumbled with the house keys and made our escape to the front porch. The same instant that we arrived outside, the 7.3 earthquake stopped as abruptly as it had started.

We were fortunate that our home did not collapse on top of us, that in our community there was no loss of life, and the tsunami that we were warned about never materialized.

Although we were lucky and it only lasted sixty seconds, I put earthquakes at the top of my list of things I never want to experience again.

So why celebrate the anniversary of such an event?

One minute your life is normal. You carry on not giving a thought to what may be. You are the master of your destiny. Then something beyond your control happens—your world gets all shook up.

You have no control over the event specific to you, but you do have the power to decide how to deal with it. The following six things you can control when dealing with an earthshaking event.

1. Offer help to others.

When you focus on someone else’s emotional or physical needs, instead of dwelling on what has happened to you, you’re too busy to think about what happened; and you feel a sense of accomplishment instead of hopelessness.

Perhaps your earthshaking event is your company closing, leaving all its employees jobless. You are rightfully devastated by the news, but you know you’re capable of updating your resume to pursue a new job.

What about the person who works beside you and has never written a resume before? Why not suggest you work together to prepare both resumes? Arrange to do mock interviews for each other. A trial run can help alleviate the nervousness, fine tune your own skills, and could just outright make you laugh when you are at a time in your life when you need it most.

2. Look at the event as a not so gentle reminder.

It is so easy to take your life and people you love for granted. When something shakes up your world, it might just be the reminder you need to appreciate everyone, including yourself.

It is easy to perceive there are more important things to do rather than spend time with your loved ones. You don’t have time to go for a walk, or sit together and talk. You have to get the kids somewhere, or perhaps finish that report.

And what about for yourself, when is the last time you took even a few minutes just for you. There’s always tomorrow—right?

When an earthshaking event happens, be grateful for the reminder that you can’t count on there being a tomorrow. Find the time for the people that matter to you, including yourself right now!

Looking for the silver lining like this goes a long way toward helping you deal with it and returns a sense of control in a situation that you didn’t initiate.

3. Respect and accept the strength of forces larger than yourself.

The smartest people in the world, with the best resources, could never stop an earthquake from happening. Sometimes you need to accept that there are forces larger than you at play. Accepting that you simply cannot control everything is an integral part of dealing with difficulties.

4. Appreciate twists in the adventure.

Limiting yourself in fear of what you can’t control will do you no good. Appreciate the adventure of not knowing what might happen next.

Roller-coasters, bungee-jumping, sky-diving and many other man-made attractions are put in place to give people an adrenaline rush, a sensation that while it is happening, you are out of control and terrified. The pay-off is when it is over! Your heart is racing, your palms are sweating and perhaps you are even feeling nauseous—but you did it!

During the earthquake and after, I felt all those emotions and physical sensations.  For days I was paralyzed with the fear of it happening again. The more I gave in to that, the more out of control I felt.

My ability to carry out normal daily tasks was being hindered. With every aftershock I would become instantly sick to my stomach. I would tense every muscle in my body and experience a headache that would further limit my ability to function.

I’d been told the aftershocks could continue for a month or more. I needed to find a way to deal with them to gain back a sense of control.

When the next aftershock hit, I envisioned that I was on a roller-coaster. I relaxed into the motion instead of trying to fight it. While not 100 percent effective the first time, at least I avoided a headache and losing hours of my day. By using this technique I got to the point that I could make it through an aftershock without any problem. It became an adventure—a game.

By considering your earth-shattering event an adventure, you become a contender, no longer a victim holding yourself back. You regain control and are better prepared to find ways to get through it.

5. Consider how it helps you grow.

Every experience is a life lesson. You will be wiser, emotionally stronger, and perhaps have some newfound knowledge or skill in an area you knew nothing about before.

You and your family used to eat out all the time. But now, loss of a job means you no longer can afford to do that. At times you’re not sure how you can even afford to make a meal at home. Out of necessity you get creative. You seek out recipes that are most economical, invent a few of your own. You discover a passion for cooking.

You were considering going back to school for retraining—but had no idea what you would study. Maybe now you do. Some of the most successful entrepreneurs achieved their status from having to deal with a situation they had no control over.

6. Be proud of yourself.

As you work through an earthshaking event, give yourself credit for every step forward. By acknowledging your achievements no matter how small, you regain trust in your ability to fix what you didn’t break. You empower yourself to take the next step. Besides, the situation is beating you up enough—don’t help it!

–

Earthshaking events will continue to happen in our lives; we have no control over that. But we do have the ability to control how we respond. While in the midst of such an event it may seem hopeless and unbeatable but you can do it.

***

Genny Ross-Barons lives on the tropical Island of Roatan, Honduras. Originally from Canada, she spends her days in this idyllic setting on the Caribbean Sea, writing about day-to-day life on Roatan – When not Independently Wealthy or Old Enough to Retire, at http://roatanvortex.com and as DJ Genevieve, on http://roatanradio.com sharing Roatan with the world. Photos here and here.

by Sonya Derian

Good decisions come from experience, and experience comes from bad decisions.  ~Unknown

A reader recently wrote to me:

“I struggle with making decisions and always second guess myself… I recently had to make a decision about something and after giving it a lot of thought, I decided. Now, months later, my decision is eating me up and I can’t stop thinking I made the wrong decision. So I guess my point is once you decide, how do you stop yourself from second guessing?”

I know I’ve been there, having made a decision I not only second guessed, but wish I hadn’t made—and couldn’t take back.

I think there are two parts to each of us: who we are day to day, and who we are in our broader intentions. Second guessing comes when the smaller part—the one that is at the effect of everything—is afraid of the greater part that’s forging a new way.

When we make any decision, for better or for worse, we affect change. And sometimes it’s scary to be responsible for the change we affect. That’s why I love the saying. “Make a decision. And then make the decision right.”

We never know where our decisions will lead us and we can’t know before making them what the aftermath might be. But only after making the decision can we deal with what comes next. Never before.

There is an assumption that a decision that ends up hurting someone’s feelings, causing friction. or rocking the boat is somehow a wrong decision.

But why would that be the case?

It could mean the broader part of you helped you make that decision in order to break something open, learn how to deal with discomfort, learn how to create a boundary or take care of yourself amidst someone else’s disapproval.

It could mean the broader part of you helped you make that decision to learn how to create dialogue, deepen a relationship, or simply say “I’m sorry. I made a mistake”.

There is no such thing as a wrong decision because we are always course correcting. The way a pilot navigates a plane from one place to the next is by setting the course destination before taking flight and then course correcting along the way.

Similarly, that’s how we grow. Taking from what we have learned from the past and building on it for the future.

That being said, how can we allow the process to unfold more smoothly? What can we do to stop ourselves from second guessing? I’ve come up with these five suggestions:

1.  Trust yourself.

Making a decision sometimes forces you to grow in areas where you’re not comfortable. When you second guess yourself it’s usually because of that discomfort. But it’s important to remember that change happens incrementally. Even if you’re not seeing an obvious positive result yet, it might be coming. And your broader intentions led you there for that reason.

2. Choose a new thought.

Stop entertaining the idea of having made a wrong decision. There is no power in that. Instead, know that things are working out for your good and that you are learning and growing while you find your bearings.

3. Assess what you’re learning.

Because we are always in a state of flux, there may very well be things you will do differently the next time. Ask yourself, if I had to do it over, what would I do differently? And then congratulate yourself because this is how new behavior is born! You can’t learn if you’re not playing the game.

4. Get comfortable with mistakes.

There is such a thing as grace. Time gives us an opportunity to fix all sorts of things we think we may have screwed up. There is power in simply letting things go and deciding to re-evaluate them at a future date.

Ask yourself “What if I did make a wrong decision? Is it okay for me to have made a mistake?” And then let it go. Getting comfortable with making mistakes could have entirely been the lesson! But we are always making the best decisions we have access to at the moment.

5. Finally, go easy on yourself.

Like a friend of mine likes to say, “Life is a hard hat zone. We are always under construction”.

You are not who you were yesterday and you are not who you will be tomorrow. So, make peace with that. Life is full of second chances. We are always in a state of evolution.

In learning how to walk, you had to crawl first, and maybe you wobbled and skinned your knees a few times. But eventually, you found your bearings and trusted your stability. As tiny as you were, you were able to stand straight and put one foot in front of the other as you moved forward.

Not so far off from what it’s like as an adult.

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