“Expect the best, plan for the worst, and prepare to be surprised.” -Denis Waitley

The other day I was watching reruns of a show I’ve recently found and now love. In one scene, the main character talked about the “perfect moment” that never came to be—an isolated point in time when things would have worked exactly as he imagined they would, and as a result, there would only be positive consequences to his choices.

This got me thinking about my own instinct to create perfect moments according to what I’ve visualized—and also the times when I’ve been part of other people’s plans.

In high school, I reconnected with an old friend from junior high, who’d also been bullied back then. I was going through a lot emotionally and wasn’t in a place to date him. He told me he was disappointed because he “wanted me for his senior year.”

He had a specific vision of me being the one on his arm at the prom. It wasn’t just about being with me; it was about being with me in a very specific way.

I’ve done the exact same thing at times. I know I want to have children—but in an ideal world, I’d have them in the next two years, and I’d have created a situation that allows me to spend equal time on the east and west coasts, to be close to family in both places. I realize, however, that in two years time, I may not have created those conditions.

Life doesn’t always work out in the way we imagine would be ideal. We can either resist that, feeling crushed when we don’t get exactly what we wanted, or accept reality at every step of the way and adapt to make the best of what we get.

We’re often advised to visualize the future in specific detail so that we may create it; to see in our heads the environment, the people, and the situations we want to manifest. This can be a powerful exercise because it helps us get clear about what we really want.

It will be a far more effective practice, though, if we remember that what we really want isn’t the perfect moment—it’s happiness from moment to moment. That comes from choosing to embrace and work with what is, instead of bemoaning and fighting it.

Photo by magical-world

“Don’t let the past hold you back; you’re missing the good stuff.” -Unknown

There have been times when I’ve regretted that I missed out on so much when I was younger.

Because I held onto pain so tightly, I missed out on countless opportunities for fun while sitting alone and feeling bad for myself.

Because I felt so insecure for so long, I missed out on the chance to make strong friendships while shutting down and assuming people would hurt me.

And because I was afraid of failing, I missed out on all kinds of professional opportunities while doing what felt easy and safe.

Now, in my early 30s, it’s tempting to look back and feel bad for squandering those years when I was so full of potential. Then I remember: I still am.

The other night, I attended a family function with many of the amazing, interesting people who I didn’t fully appreciate when I was caught up in my personal dramas. I planned to leave early because I was somewhat tired, but I ended up dancing until the last song with my big fat Italian family.

I remember looking around at my cousins, ranging in age from 11 to 35, my aunt in her 50s, and friends of all ages in between, and recognizing that we were all the same on the dance floor.

We were all losing ourselves in the music, likely thinking about nothing, simply choosing to be together and move. It was almost as if in that moment, we were ageless. What had come or what was coming didn’t matter right then.

All that mattered was that we all had the same choice to make: sit it out, or dance (yes, like in the song).

That’s the choice we’re faced with every day.

We can focus on the fun things we could have done but didn’t, or we can do something fun right now.

We can dwell on the mistakes we made in past relationships, or we can focus on enjoying the relationships we’re in right now.

We can think about all the opportunities we missed out on, or we can focus on embracing possibilities right now.

There will always be something we didn’t do yesterday, but we get to choose right now how yesterday looks when we get to tomorrow. Right now, whatever age we are, this is our chance to live.

Photo by Lara604

“The outer conditions of a person’s life will always be found to reflect their inner beliefs.” –James Allen

Do you believe you can do work you love? If you don’t believe it, you likely won’t try for it.

Do you believe you can be in a happy relationship? If you don’t believe, you likely won’t open up to it.

Do you believe you can adopt that healthier habit? If you don’t believe it, you likely won’t stick to it.

Do you believe you can fully release your anger toward that person who hurt you? If you don’t believe it, you likely won’t let go of it.

Do you believe you should be treated with respect? If you don’t believe it, you likely won’t require it.

Do you believe this moment is good enough? If you don’t believe it, you likely won’t enjoy it.

Do you believe you deserve happiness? If you don’t believe it, you likely won’t let yourself feel it.

It’s not true that anything is possible—I can say with absolute certainty that none of us will grow wings tonight and fly out our bedroom windows. But it is true that far more is possible than we often realize.

It starts with what we believe. And beliefs are thoughts that aren’t fact—meaning we can change them if we really want to.

We can change the stories we tell ourselves. We can change the limits we’ve set for ourselves. Most importantly, we can change what we do for ourselves, starting right this moment. Every passing second is a new opportunity to be who we want to be, if we believe we can.

I may not always have believed the best about and for myself, but in this moment, I choose to believe and act on it. Do you?

Photo by Augapfel

“As long as you make an identity for yourself out of pain, you cannot be free of it.” -Eckhart Tolle

This weekend, a reader presented an interesting question about letting go of old beliefs and attitudes to make room for happiness and open up to a relationship.

He suggested that this would require a lot of sacrifice on his part, and would leave him humbled and lost—as if he’s somehow “giving in” and losing touch with who he really is.

He asked how he can reconcile the instinct to change with his resistance to becoming something he is not.

I suspect a lot of us struggle with this. We know we want to transform our lives, but we’ve thought and behaved in certain ways for so many years that we identify ourselves with those ideas and actions.

For a long time, I believed people were basically selfish, which made me feel constantly defensive. I thought I “earned” this belief because I had been hurt. Letting go of it felt like letting the people who’d hurt me off the hook—like saying they didn’t cause my pain, I did.

But the reality was that my defensiveness hurt me more than anything anyone else had ever done—and for far longer. Sacrificing it might have been humbling, but the alternative was (and is) to sacrifice my potential for joy.

We are not the beliefs that we, at one point, decided serve and protect us. We are not the thoughts that, if we’re honest, we know only cripple us. We are not the sum of our internal workings.

Of course letting go of these will feel like giving in if we believe they define us. It will feel like a sort of death—like acknowledging there’s something wrong with us, and the only way to find happiness is to essentially rid ourselves of ourselves.

Freedom is realizing that letting go isn’t losing anything—it’s gaining everything. It’s stepping into the present moment free from limiting thoughts, beliefs, memories, fears, and judgments, to see what’s in front of us with clear eyes.

We have the potential to become anything—in fact, if we learn to let go, we will never stop becoming. But that means we need to want presence and happiness more than we want to cling to the past and our pain.

Photo by Aschaf

“Remember that sometimes not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck.” -Dalai Lama

Opportunity often hides in the most unlikely places, but it isn’t easy to see it when you’re disappointed life didn’t meet your expectations.

Michael Jordan’s high school coach cut him from the basketball team, which may have pushed him to work harder and become an NBA superstar. Soichoro Honda wanted to be an engineer at Toyota until he was rejected, inspiring him to start his own company.

You never know when a disappointment might pave the path for something great. What wonderful stroke of luck have you had lately, and what can you do to benefit from it?

This post was originally published in September, 2009. Photo by LisaRoxy.

“Instead of complaining that the rose bush is full of thorns, be happy the thorn bush has roses.” -Proverb

I once read that people who journal to identify lessons from painful situations generally move on more quickly and easily than people who write merely to vent their emotions.

In discovering opportunities for growth, we empower ourselves to see whatever we’ve been through as something that can be ultimately beneficial, even if it’s tremendously uncomfortable in the short-term.

It’s not always easy to do that, particularly because there are so many things that happen that we may never understand—and plenty of events that seem downright unfair.

Why do some people retain their health despite poor choices, while others wake up seriously ill one day with no reason or warning? Why do some people enjoy great fortune without having to expel much effort, while others struggle all their lives without ever enjoying rewards or stability?

When you look at the world through this lens, it’s easy to be bitter. We want there to be order—to know that if we’re good, good things will happen, and bad things won’t. But that’s just not a guarantee.

What is a guarantee is that we can always decide how to interpret what we see.

Over the past two years, countless readers have submitted posts for this site, many of them sharing stories about overcoming sickness and loss, among other personal challenges.

There’s nothing as inspiring as seeing the world through the eyes of someone who is determined to see something good.

After a blood vessel ruptured in Brian Webb’s brain, he couldn’t walk for months—but after running his first marathon he realized his injury taught him to appreciate life.

Brandy Harris renamed her Crohn’s Disease “Crohn’s Teacher,” and uses her feelings about her symptoms as fuel for writing and sketching.

Alexandra Heather Foss decided that there’s beauty in her scars—that her past struggles contributed to the strong, wise woman she is today.

Life is always going to contain a little darkness, but we get to decide whether or not we recognize and appreciate the light.

Photo by PrescottFoland

“The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one.” -Elbert Hubbard

The other day I read that most of our fears can be boiled down to a fear of inadequacy, and, consequently, rejection. I know this is true for me.

When I feel a sense of panic about the potential to fail, it’s really more about being seen as a failure. When I make mistakes without witnesses, assuming the mistakes don’t cause me immense discomfort, I generally rebound fairly quickly. It’s almost like a tree falling the wrong way in the woods–if no one sees it, did it even happen at all?

I suspect this is true for most of us. A stumble that no one saw isn’t nearly as mortifying as a stumble with an audience.

When you factor in assumptions about other people’s judgment, suddenly a mistake seems like more than a poor decision; it seems like an admission of weakness. It seems less about our choice in a moment and more about our character on the whole.

But there’s something ironic about fearing judgment for being fallible, since this is something we all have in common. If we can just embrace our vulnerability and accept that our mistakes don’t define us, they can lead to a greater sense of meaning and connection.

Most of the purpose-driven people I’ve met feel motivated by the need to help people with struggles they’ve already faced. Because we err and hurt, we can feel for other people and do our part to help ease their pain. And because we know we’re fallible, we learn to be humble, which helps us appreciate and forgive.

There’s no denying that there are some mistakes that we wouldn’t make if we could re-live those moments. But the reality is that’s never an option. All we can ever do is make the smartest, bravest choice based on what we know in this moment.

The bravest choice is to do what we really want to do, regardless of who might see and form opinions. It might not always feel comfortable to risk being seen as inadequate, but the alternative is to risk feeling partially alive.

Photo by Wonderlane

“Let yourself be open and life will be easier. A spoon of salt in a glass of water makes the water undrinkable. A spoon of salt in a lake is almost unnoticed.” ~Buddha

“My brain has been moving slowly all day.” As I told my boyfriend this, I felt each word roll out of my mouth with all the speed of a hill-climbing turtle. Like everything else I’ve done today, I’ve been speaking at a glacial pace.

I’ve retraced my footsteps over these last few days, double-checking how much I’ve eaten and how well I’ve slept. But despite playing low-energy detective, I’ve found no clear explanation for my overall sense of weariness. Accept it or not, I’m just having one of those days when I need to take it easy. I don’t always do well with these.

When I’m slow on the uptake and I struggle to complete my to-do list, I’m tempted to get frustrated and impatient with myself–to push myself to be more effective and productive instead of cutting myself some slack. But this doesn’t actually make me more productive or effective. It only serves to create a nagging sense of guilt and stress.

Maybe you’ve been there before: You have things to do and expectations to meet, but your body has a different agenda. You can either indulge a sense of urgent panic about the things you’re not doing, or not doing well. Or you can accept yourself as you are in this moment and do what you need to do for your well-being.

We all have responsibilities and goals, and we instinctively want to create and maintain a sense of momentum with them. But in the grand scheme of things, our happiness has less to do with how quickly we progress and more to do with how kind we are to ourselves at each step of the way.

Let yourself be as you are today. Accept what you feel in your body and mind, without feeling the need to fight it, deny it, ignore it, hide it, or push through to the other side. And then take good care of yourself. Sometimes the best way to help yourself is to stop fighting yourself.

Photo by Wonderlane

“When you live on a round planet, there’s no choosing sides.” -Wayne Dyer

I’ve read a lot of articles about achieving your dreams and creating the life you want. There is a common message that always creates a disconnect in me: Many otherwise empowering articles lose me when the authors suggest we should “tune out our haters.”

This seems to imply that there are people out there who want us to fail–who purposely act hateful with the intention of pulling us down.

I know the world is a lot simpler when we view things in black and white terms–good and bad; right and wrong; for us and against us. But labels can hurt us far more than they people to whom we assign them because they generally come from fear. Fear keeps us from seeing things as they really are. Very little is as it seems.

Some people may seem to be purposefully hurtful, but in all reality, they’re dealing with their own struggles and insecurities, and that translates as a lack of support. Some people may seem to be negative or judgmental, but in all likelihood, they’re simply trying to help you see things from a different perspective.

This doesn’t mean that people always have good intentions; it just means far fewer have poor intentions than we think.

It might be a lot quicker and simpler to put people into narrow little boxes. It certainly takes a lot less energy to assume certain people are on your side and certain people aren’t.

But we end up seeing people as enemies and allies instead of realizing we’re all on the same team. It is possible to tune out words that don’t serve us without labeling the people who speak them as bad and assuming they want us to fail.

This leaves us with a choice: We can shut other people, assuming they’re not on our side; or we can break down a wall by trying to see where they’re coming from, so that sides no longer exist. The world becomes a far more  understanding and supportive place when we choose to be understanding and supportive.

Photo by igb

“Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.” -Charles Swindoll

“I can’t wait to leave LA. Seriously, we should consider moving within a year.”

I said this to my boyfriend as we were sitting in bumper-to-bumper traffic a few streets away from our apartment, anticipating at least 10 more minutes of chaos. All around us, drivers were weaving in and out of lanes, honking at each other, and, in some cases, hurling swears at each other. Despite just meditating, I felt agitated.

Since we moved here just recently so my boyfriend can pursue film, moving isn’t the smartest option. And truthfully, I don’t want to move. I said it because I felt stuck, and in that moment, professing my desire to leave felt like a proactive alternative to simply sitting with that out-of-control feeling.

Suddenly I realized that this was good practice, because I will feel out of control in far more troubling situations many times in my life. We all will.

We may have to wait to find out if we’ll lose our homes, or our jobs, or our health, or people we love. Or we may lose those things and wonder how we can go on, knowing we’re not sure how things will turn out. We may have to watch people we love struggling, knowing we have no clue how to help, or if we even can.

It’s inevitable that we’ll feel out of control in life, over and over again. The good news is that we can always control how we respond to our circumstances, and we can practice this skill a little every day if we’re willing to breathe through uncomfortable feelings.

Today if you find yourself scrambling for control–over your time, your circumstances, or the outcome of your efforts–take a deep breath. Then remember: It’s far more productive to learn through this moment than it is to resist it.

*Email subscribers: This was the post from Thursday, but due to an error on my part, it didn’t make it into the email. Photo by fakelvis