“Love is saying, ‘I feel differently’ instead of ‘you’re wrong.’” -Unknown

I’ve written a lot of posts about compassion these past few years, challenging both myself and readers to be open-minded and see things from others’ points of view.

On almost every post, someone has commented that there are times when other people are, in fact, wrong–when the person who cut you off in traffic really is a jerk, not just having a bad day; when the friend who hurt you actually had cruel intentions, and didn’t just make an innocent mistake; or when the person who sees things differently is truly misinformed, as opposed to holding a varied, but different opinion.

I think we sometimes fear losing our sense of self and self-respect by giving other people too much leeway. If we give the benefit of the doubt one time too many times, we may start to feel like a door mat. Or if we consider other people’s perspectives too seriously, we may risk losing the beliefs that help us make sense of the world.

If we continually refrain from identifying people as right and wrong, we may find it challenging to hold onto the ideas that feel right to us. And that can be a scary thought, particularly when many of us wrap around our identities around our beliefs and understandings.

But maybe it doesn’t have to work this way. Maybe we can define the conduct we believe to be good and kind, without assuming we know people’s intentions, thereby labeling them right or wrong when they stumble. Maybe we can decide and honor what we believe and allow other people the same freedom, choosing not to be threatened if they see things differently.

Maybe loving ourselves is feeling secure without having to convince other people we’re right; and loving other people is wanting to understand instead of wanting to tell them they’re wrong.

Today if you feel tempted to point out the err of someone’s ways or beliefs, ask yourself: Would I rather argue and create pain, or agree to disagree and maintain peace?

Photo by the gardenbuzz

“When you live on a round planet, there’s no choosing sides.” -Wayne Dyer

I’ve read a lot of articles about achieving your dreams and creating the life you want. There is a common message that always creates a disconnect in me: Many otherwise empowering articles lose me when the authors suggest we should “tune out our haters.”

This seems to imply that there are people out there who want us to fail–who purposely act hateful with the intention of pulling us down.

I know the world is a lot simpler when we view things in black and white terms–good and bad; right and wrong; for us and against us. But labels can hurt us far more than they people to whom we assign them because they generally come from fear. Fear keeps us from seeing things as they really are. Very little is as it seems.

Some people may seem to be purposefully hurtful, but in all reality, they’re dealing with their own struggles and insecurities, and that translates as a lack of support. Some people may seem to be negative or judgmental, but in all likelihood, they’re simply trying to help you see things from a different perspective.

This doesn’t mean that people always have good intentions; it just means far fewer have poor intentions than we think.

It might be a lot quicker and simpler to put people into narrow little boxes. It certainly takes a lot less energy to assume certain people are on your side and certain people aren’t.

But we end up seeing people as enemies and allies instead of realizing we’re all on the same team. It is possible to tune out words that don’t serve us without labeling the people who speak them as bad and assuming they want us to fail.

This leaves us with a choice: We can shut other people, assuming they’re not on our side; or we can break down a wall by trying to see where they’re coming from, so that sides no longer exist. The world becomes a far more  understanding and supportive place when we choose to be understanding and supportive.

Photo by igb

“Give whatever you are doing and whoever you are with the gift of your attention.” -Jim Rohn

We all get busy. We have responsibilities to meet. We have coworkers and superiors expecting things from us. We have ambitions and goals, things we want to improve in ourselves and our lives. I suspect that underneath it all, what we really want is to make a difference for other people.

And yet, ironically, in that pursuit, we often fail to make a difference for the people we know and love.

My mother gets out of work every day between 6:00 and 7:00, which is between 3:00 and 4:00 my time. She often calls me on her way home to catch up, something I value since she lives so far away. And yet there have been times when I’ve engaged in conversation with her while answering emails, Skype chatting, and toggling numerous screens on my computer.

Even though I work for myself and have absolutely no reason to multi-task that call, I do it sometimes because I feel so wrapped up in what I’m doing that I don’t want to stop.

I have realized, however, that this not only creates a disconnection between us, it also undermines the other things I’m juggling. It’s essentially a message that says, “No one and nothing else is important as my need to be optimally productive.”

This means that it also compromises my integrity, since I say that I value my relationships and my projects.

In our gadget-dominated world, full attention is a rare gift, and not just for the person who receives it. It’s also a gift to us. It allows us to let go of everything that’s flashing in our brains, like one too many instant messages, and fully immerse ourselves in the simplicity of a moment.

It allows to connect, create, and collaborate with focused intention, without distractions. It’s a choice to honor and fully appreciate what’s right in front of us.

Today if you find yourself only half-listening or half-focusing, remember: Your attention is your most valuable gift, for other people and yourself.

Photo here

“Never look down on anybody unless you’re helping him up.” -Jesse Jackson

I’ve always believed that there is a fundamental difference between compassion and pity: Compassion stands beside someone; pity stands above.

Sometimes it’s tempting to stand in that place, and not just because we’re being judgmental or cruel. Oftentimes, it feels safer up there. You don’t need to understand that person, or what they’re dealing with.

You also don’t need to get too close. You can simply remove yourself without getting too invested or involved, knowing that you feel bad, but there’s nothing you can do.

Compassion suggests a level of responsibility. It’s not just a matter of recognizing that someone else is in a bad place. It’s about knowing what that feels like, even if you’ve dealt with different challenges, and being a willing participant in healing that pain.

I remember when I was at the lowest point of my life there were two distinct types of friends: the friends who listened fully, and the friends who interrupted me with judgments and advice before I even had a chance to explore what hurt me.

I want to be the friend who listens–the one who may not always have the answers, but intends to be part of the solution, not the problem. I suspect that starts with a simple assertion, followed by a question: I am here. How can I help?

Who needs your help today?

Photo by Andrew Dyson

“We choose our destiny in the way we treat others.” -Wit

The world has a way of mirroring what we put out there. It’s the law of reciprocity–when you’re kind to other people, that kindness comes back to you. Maybe not right away, and maybe not from the person you helped; but planting seeds of generosity goes a long way in shaping a positive tomorrow.

This is why expert networkers recommend you focus on getting to know people, not trying to get something from them. Real, solid relationships involve a natural give and take.

It starts with giving–and it doesn’t need to have physical value. Your simplest gestures are often the strongest–your insights, your time, or your most powerful gift, your attention.

What destiny will you create today?

“To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don’t need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself.”  -Thich Nhat Hanh

You may not even realize all the different ways you’re beautiful, but you are. Smile and enjoy the day!

“If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.” -Dalai Lama

Compassion is a powerful force for transforming lives. Not only does it melt bitterness and encourage kindness; research shows compassion can also reduce the type of inflammatory responses to stressful situations that lead to mental and physical diseases.

That’s right–fostering compassion in your daily life can make you both happier and healthier.

Not sure how to feel compassion for certain people in your life? You might find some helpful suggestions here: 10 Ways to Deal with Negative or Difficult People. Be sure to also read today’s post: 5 Simple Ways to Show Compassion to Animals and the Planet.

“Be gentle first with yourself if you wish to be gentle with others.” -Lama Yeshe

All too often we’re unforgiving and cruel to ourselves in a way we’d never treat our friends.

You’d never look your friend in the eye and tell she’s not good enough. You’d never beat your friend up over one mistake she made years ago. You’d never expect your friend to move mountains when she’s exhausted and clearly needs a rest.

Why do those things to yourself?

Today, give yourself the consideration and kindness you’d extend to the people you love. If you’re dissatisfied with your progress, remind yourself of all you’ve accomplished. If you made a mistake, cut yourself from slack. If you’re tired, take it easy.

All the goodness you put out into the world starts with how you treat yourself.

“We may have all come in different ships, but we’re in the same boat now.” -Martin Luther King Jr.

Oftentimes we define ourselves more by our differences than our similarities.

To some degree, we separate people into distinct groups because it’s safe. But we also do this to simplify. When we categorize people into groups, we don’t need to put too much thought into how we respond to them; we save energy by responding how we did with similar people.

As the Dalai Lama points out in his book The Art of Happiness in a Troubled World:

“Our social environments in the modern world can be very complex, and since the brain likes to conserve its resources, it looks for ways to simplify our world and make it easier to navigate the course of our social interactions.”

Which translates to: we stereotype because it’s easy–a mental shortcut.

The Dalai Lama’s conclusion is hopeful: we can overcome the us vs. them philosophy, break down our preconceived assumptions, and make meaningful connections with far more people than we would have otherwise.

It all starts with a simple choice: to see people as unique individuals and make the effort to know them.

Make the effort today. Make eye contact, say hello, un-strange a stranger. The world is full of beautiful people, worth knowing and appreciating, who are waiting to know and appreciate you. The more you open your heart, the more love you’ll experience.

“When there is no enemy within, the enemies outside cannot hurt you.” -African proverb

Just a reminder to be kind to yourself today. No matter what mistakes you may have made. No matter what judgments other people may have formed. No matter how the day unfolds.

Give yourself a little compassion. You deserve it as much as anyone else.

Photo here