“Who does not thank for little will not thank for much.” -Estonian Proverb

Recently I’ve felt frustrated because someone I asked to help me has done less than I hoped he would. At first I felt this was unfair, because I’ve been supportive of him. Then I realized I was overlooking what he did do for me while dwelling on what he didn’t.

This made me think of some research I referenced in my book (which I originally found in a book called Sway.)

In a German research study, strangers were “partnered up,” though anonymously and kept in separate rooms with $10 to split between them.

One participant in each pair got to decide how the money would be split, and the other had to decide whether or not to accept the offer. If he or she refused, neither would get to keep any money.

You might assume that any offer would be good since some money was better than none; but most of the time, when the partner with the power decided to give himself a higher share the other person rejected the offer because it wasn’t fair. The results remained the same when the researchers repeated the experiment with $100 instead of $10.

Researcher Joseph Henrich conducted this same study at UCLA using $160, what a student might earn in three days of work. Most students decided to split the money because it was fair, but they also admitted they wouldn’t have accepted any less than 50 percent if the tables were turned.

Henrich finished his research by bringing this experiment to Machiguenga, an isolated section of the Amazon. Unlike in the other experiments, these people were willing to accept any offer because it was money they wouldn’t otherwise have—and they actually understood if the person who divvied it up chose to keep a larger share.

Instead of assuming they were entitled to half, they felt grateful to have gotten any at all.

We carry around a lot of beliefs about how things should work in the world, and sometimes they work against us. In assuming life is unfair for giving us 30 percent of what we think we deserve, we forget how fortunate we are to be given anything at all.

We might not always get exactly what we want. We can either dwell on that, or choose instead to appreciate and do the best with what we get.

Part of this post is excerpted from my book Tiny Buddha: Simple Wisdom for Life’s Hard Questions.

Photo by Mcciva1

“There are two ways to live: you can live as if nothing is a miracle, or you can live as if everything is a miracle.” –Albert Einstein

The other day I started writing in a gratitude journal again, right as I was overcoming a cold. After I wrote my boyfriend’s name, my family, and Tiny Buddha, I wrote “breathing through both nostrils.”

A few days prior, when my right side was all stuffed up, I wasn’t doing that so well.

It occurred to me then that when I’d kept a gratitude journal before, I never once expressed by appreciation for the ability to breathe through both sides of my nose—and yet I’ve done that on the vast majority of my days.

In fact, I’ve likely been able to breathe through both nostrils on over 11,500 days, if you assume I’ve been stuffed up for no more than 10 days during each year of my life.

It never occurred to me appreciate this because I took it for granted.

Yet in that moment when I wrote it down, I truly felt a sense of relief and joy about the simple act of breathing properly.

I wondered then: How many other outlets for gratitude and joy do I ignore on a daily basis? I asked myself:

How often do you stop to recognize how comfortable your desk chair is? When’s the last time you stared out the sliding glass doors and appreciated that you live in a well-lit space? How regularly do you log onto the Internet and marvel at the wonders of modern technology?

We live our lives surrounded by tiny wonders. In any given moment, there is a multitude of sounds, sights, and sensations to experience and savor.

It’s easy to forget these things are gifts, especially when we’re caught up in our heads, dwelling on what went wrong, worrying about what might go wrong, or finding things wrong with ourselves and our circumstances instead of really being present.

When we’re able to seep into the moment, suddenly we remember how fortunate we are to be here, breathing, sharing this great big beautiful world.

We’re inevitably going to have dark days, when life feels more like a tragedy than a miracle. But we can trust that when we’re ready to appreciate the light, we’ll find it. It’s always there. It’s everywhere.

Photo by Wonderlane

“If you concentrate on what you don’t have, you will never, ever have enough.” -Oprah Winfrey

When I’m not working on Tiny Buddha, I write for ‘tween girls, both as a contributor for a magazine and a ghost writer for a website.

Recently, I wrote several blog posts about the holiday season. One girl commented that she was excited to have received a $50 gift card and a few clothing items.

Everything changed for her when she read that another girl received a $500 gift card and an iPad, among other presents. Suddenly her gifts seemed completely inadequate.

While there’s a lesson in here about our consumer culture, and its effects on our children (the collective “our” since I don’t even have pets, let alone kids), this got me thinking about the comparison game we often play as adults.

It can be challenging to identify what we believe is enough and then feel satisfied with that if we consistently weigh our choices against other people’s.

In my book, I referenced some research that reveals we often adjust our spending based on the earners just above us, whether we can afford to or not. When the rich get richer and buy bigger houses, the earners just below them feel the need to go bigger—and this cascades down the economic ladder.

We end up with a lot of people buying houses farther away from work to get more value for their dollar, commuting longer hours, borrowing more, saving less, and spending beyond their means—which ultimately can decrease our overall life satisfaction. It’s largely because of that instinct to “keep up with the Jonses.” Not doing so can feel like defeat.

But is it really? What does it mean to succeed—to fill a life with things based on what other people think they need, or to fill our time with experiences based on what we truly want?

I’m not going to suggest we stop comparing ourselves to other people, because I prefer to work with human nature than against it. But maybe the trick is to be mindful of what we’re comparing, so it’s less about having the same things as people we imagine are happy, and more about making similar choices to people who truly are.

Those choices rarely have to do with anxiously chasing bigger and better in tomorrow, and everything to do with peacefully creating and appreciating enough today.

Photo by Mala Imports

“Give thanks for a little and you will find a lot.” –Hausa Proverb

Last year, someone asked me in an interview what I’d say to myself, from 10 years ago, if I could meet that person now. I said something along the lines of, “Be good to yourself—you’re doing the best you can.”

She then asked what I’d say to myself 50 years in the future, if I could meet that version of me now. I answered that, to that Lori, I would say, “Thank you.”

I realized after the fact that I thanked my 80 year old self because that version of me would have presumably done everything I wanted to do in this world, and using the wisdom I gave younger me, she would hopefully have done it being good to herself.

But I recognized that it was equally important to thank myself at each step of the way—regardless of what I did, and even when I stumbled. Why? Because I was doing the best I can, and that is something worth recognizing and appreciating, not just in hindsight, but right now.

This is the time of year when many of us look back at the 365 days past and measure how much we’ve accomplished—and then look into the next 365 to detail everything we’d like to achieve.

There’s nothing wrong with making goals; in fact, I’m a huge proponent. But as we go into the next year, I invite you to join me in thanking the “us” from 2011—not just for the things we’ve crossed off our to-do and bucket lists, but for all the courage, passion, strength, and just plain good-heartedness we demonstrated.

Here is my list of “Thank yous” to me:

• Thank you for growing a little every day.
• Thank you for forgiving yourself when you stumbled.
• Thank you for loving fully and vulnerably.
• Thank you for trying new things, even when you felt scared.
• Thank you for cutting yourself some slack when you did nothing because you were scared.
• Thank you for using the wisdom you gained, instead of just acquiring knowledge.
• Thank you for taking care of yourself, physically, mentally, and emotionally, more often than not.
• Thank you for loving yourself, regardless of what you achieved.

What would you thank the “2011 you” for?

Photo by pdxap

“I would maintain that thanks are the highest form of thought; and that gratitude is happiness doubled by wonder.”  -G.K. Chesterton

Thank you for being you, and being here. Happy Thanksgiving friends!

Photo by CarbonNYC

“Praise is like sunlight to the human spirit: we cannot flower and grow without it.” ~Jess Lair

There was a time when I could turn almost any positive feedback into something negative.

I don’t know if this was my attempt to confirm my unworthiness or my belief that people were usually hurtful, but I had a knack for distorting people’s words to avoid accepting praise.

If someone found me after a play and said I was a talented singer, I wondered if she was really thinking about my subpar dancing.

If a teacher told me that I showed promise and reminded him of my sister, I assumed he meant that I was a second rate version of the student he met first.

In short, I thought very little of myself, and constantly looked for proof that everyone else did, too.

You might not be able to relate to the low self-esteem that I once had, but maybe you’ve also negated praise before. I hear people do it all the time—and sometimes I find myself doing it, too—with phrases like, “It was nothing,” and “I just got lucky,” and “He was just being nice.”

We all like and need to feel valued and appreciated, so why is it sometimes so hard to simply smile and say “Thank you”?

I suspect there are times when we disbelieve what others say; after all, people occasionally say flattering things just to be kind. Other times we may question their motives or downplay our achievements because we’re fishing for more confirmation—or attempting to appear humble.

But it might also have to do with vulnerability. Accepting a compliment is akin to receiving validation, and no one wants to reveal that validation is something they want or need.

Whatever the case may be, when we reject positive feedback, we rob ourselves the opportunity to feel valued and appreciated, and deny the other person the joy of honoring us.

We all need to be on both sides of that coin. We need to see and be seen for the light we have to offer the world—so why not give that gift to ourselves and other people?

So today I propose a challenge for you and for me: receive all compliments without questioning them, analyzing them, or negating them. Simply accept it, and know that you deserve it.

Photo by ingridtaylar

“Joy is what happens to us when we allow ourselves to recognize how good things really are.” -Marianne Williamson

Every now and then, I ask Tiny Buddha Facebook friends to share things they’re grateful for. I do this because I know that I sometimes forget how many things I’ve valued and appreciated throughout the course of my day–especially if I feel I’ve dealt with a lot of stresses and worries.

It can happen to any of us: Even one especially difficult encounter or situation can overpower all the good things if we’re not deliberate about recognizing them, and realizing how fortunate we really are.

Psychologists refer to this as negativity bias–the phenomenon by which we give more weight to negative experiences than positive ones. It’s an evolutionary development from a time when everyday threats could be matters of life-or-death. According to neuropsychologist Rich Hanson, “the brain is like Velcro to negative experiences and Teflon to positive ones.”

It’s when you move into a new house, and even though almost everything went smoothly, you can’t stop feeling annoyed about that one vase the movers chipped. Or you have a fantastic interview, but you can’t stop obsessing about that one question you didn’t answer as well as you could have.

In short, we sometimes fixate on the bad things–judging them, rehashing them, maybe even reliving them. It generally comes down to fear of pain, and more specifically, loss.

If we can become aware of what’s going on in our brains, we can actively choose to recognize how few real threats there are, and then create positive feelings by honoring all the good things we sometimes take for granted.

The reality is that there is often more right than wrong with our lives. There are people looking out for us. There are needs that are consistently met. There are pleasures that we often get to enjoy. It’s not a perfect world, but there’s a lot of beauty, if only we’re willing to see and appreciate it.

Look around today. Choose to see the good things. And don’t let the tiny things that went wrong detract from your pleasure. Joy isn’t just knowing that you should be grateful for your blessings–it’s allowing yourself to actually enjoy them.

Photo by JOPHIELsmiles

“The best things in life are unexpected, because there were no expectations.” -Eli Khamarov

There was a time when I hesitated to accept unsolicited offers of support. If someone suggested a way they could help me, I assumed they were looking for something specific in return. This made me somewhat defensive, because there were and are a lot of things I don’t want to do.

I don’t want to personally recommend products I haven’t tried myself. I don’t want to tweet promotional links of any kind. I don’t want to send dedicated email blasts about books, or seminars, or teleconferences.

Because I never want to treat this community as a commodity, I instinctively limit how and when I share products and services. For this reason, I used to resist when someone offered to help me, to avoid creating expectations or taking more than I was prepared to give.

I’ve realized, however, that I limit how other people can teach, enrich, and support me when I assume they have ulterior motives. I also limit my ability to discover their unique talents and contributions, and how I may want to support them in a way that aligns with my values.

We all hope to form relationships defined by mutual respect and reciprocal support, and of course we all want opportunities to expand our reach and better pursue our dreams.

But sometimes the best thing we can do is allow ourselves to receive, without needing to qualify it with a return offer. If we stay open-minded and open-hearted, we will inevitably help other people—maybe not the ones who help us, and maybe not exactly as they did it, but when we recognize a need that we can meet.

That’s not to say people won’t occasionally have expectations—we all do it from time to time. It just means it’s not our job to anticipate them and worry about our ability to meet them.

I am a huge fan of asking the question: “How can I support you?” We can do a lot more, individually and collectively when we work with—not against—each other. But we never need to offer things we don’t want to give out of obligation.

Sometimes all we need to do is say is “Thank you for supporting me.”

Photo by Wonderlane

“Not what we have but what we enjoy constitutes our abundance.” -John Petit-Senn

It’s such a cliche, but true: money cannot buy happiness. It can influence happiness, since it can afford us necessities, a comfortable lifestyle, and opportunities that may increase our overall life satisfaction; but money, in itself, is not the abundance we seek.

The other day, I read about a research study that revealed the majority of participants would rather earn more money than their peers than earn more over a period of years. In other words, they’d sacrifice wealth for an increased sense of pride and status.

I suspect this is why we chase abundance: we assume that money can buy feelings–that it will make us feel accomplished, respected, happy, or free. We assume that if we aren’t happy, the solution is more. Or if we are happy, more will prolong it.

But the pursuit of more can be a trap. It can rob a fun experience of joy, turning it into a means to an end. It can motivate us to compare and compete instead of recognizing and honoring our actual needs. And it can compel us to constantly await excess in the future instead of enjoying enough in the present.

This isn’t to say we shouldn’t strive for our goals. It’s just that none of it will affect us as we hope it will if we don’t learn to appreciate what we have when we have it. That’s real abundance: when we can recognize our riches, regardless of our wealth, and allow ourselves to enjoy them.

As I write this, I’m visiting my family in Massachusetts. Yes, it took money to fly here, but the majority of my plans involve watching movies, playing games, and relaxing in the sun with the people I love.

Yesterday, when I was sitting at the kitchen table with my younger brother, both of us on our laptops, he started humming The Right Stuff  (by New Kids on the Block) without realizing he was doing it. Right after the chorus, we made eye contact and both started laughing. These are the moments I remember and value the most–the silly little things that remind me I truly enjoy the people in my life. This is my abundance.

What’s yours?

Photo by Sarniebill1

“If we learn to open our hearts, anyone, including the people who drive us crazy, can be our teacher.” -Pema Chodron

Many people go through their days collecting moments that annoyed them. How another driver turns without signaling. How your coffee barista moves at a glacial pace—so slow she has to ask twice what you ordered. The way a coworker talks loudly on her cell phone, even though you practically share the same cubicle.

Things like this happen all the time. We live, work, and play on top of each other—people we know, don’t know, want to know, and don’t know we want to know. We’re bound to get in each others way.

What we don’t often realize is that all those different people can enrich our way if we let them.

That careless driver reminds you to stay alert. Your greatest power in an unpredictable world is your ability to respond well to things that happen around you.

The barista teaches you to take a deep breath and slow down. Nothing is so important that a late arrival justifies an ulcer.

Your coworker provides an opportunity to practice effective communication under stress—an invaluable skill both in work and in life.

Today if you encounter someone who presents a challenge to your plan for the day, ask yourself: What can I learn from this experience that will help me in the future?

Photo by The Fayj