“Stress is caused by being ‘here’ but wanting to be ‘there.”‘ -Eckhart Tolle

There is little in life that is more stressful than thinking you need be somewhere else but feeling powerless to get there.

There’s this dream I used to have over and over again. I’d want to get somewhere, but my body wouldn’t move. I’d start running, but I would essentially be jogging in place, like Wile Coyote when he was pushed off a cliff but he’d continue moving his legs while suspended in mid-air.

No matter how much energy I expelled, I was immobile; but I always kept fighting, sweating, and screaming, hoping something or someone would save me from the pain of my paralysis.

That’s how I lived my life. There was always something I visualized as the end-all-be-all in terms of happiness, and it was always something that evaded me—a relationship, a job, an adventure, and usually underneath it all a feeling I desperately wanted.

It was always something just out of reach until I got it, and my internal supervisor gave me a new assignment to target my aching, endless want. There was no reward to achieving; just a new demand to cower before.

I’ve realized there will always be the possibility of a tomorrow that could be better than today. There’s always going to be a there that sounds like a fantasy—someday when you’ve gotten what you want.

You could easily wrap your whole life around the promise of getting there and tie your emotions to the illusion of getting closer. You could stress out if you don’t think you’re making progress or feel frustrated that you haven’t seen enough results. You could complain to people about feeling stuck and dwell on how much better things would be if only you could get there.

You could do all of that—if you want to choose unhappiness. Because this moment, right now, is life. And where we are is where we have an opportunity to be happy.

We can fight it and feel stressed or let go and feel peace.

That doesn’t mean we can’t strive for things we want. It just means we’ve realized the path to a bright tomorrow starts with a choice to recognize and create light today.

Dig your heels in and take a deep breath. You are here, and this is all that’s guaranteed. What’s good about this moment, and how can you appreciate and enjoy it?

Part of this post is excerpted from my book, Tiny Buddha: Simple Wisdom for Life’s Hard Questions.

Photo by Viewoftheworld

“Most of our troubles are due to our passionate desire for and attachment to things that we misapprehend as enduring entities.” ~Dalai Lama

My boyfriend and I spent a couple of days in Las Vegas for Valentine’s Day. These days I get excited about the buffets and shows, but formerly, I found the city a little depressing.

First, I felt sad for the people who seemed a little lost, either for having lost vast quantities of money, or for having lost a part of themselves (something I know all too well).

Secondly, I felt the inevitable crash that follows overstimulation and excess of any kind. (I had a love/hate relationship with both).

But there was more to it than that. When I first went to Vegas years back, I felt like I was standing smack dab in the middle of a lifestyle I couldn’t afford. Amid the sea of tight designer dresses, in my cheap, modest clothes, I feared I looked out of place.

I also found the luxurious ambiance of most casinos stressful. Every time I passed a majestic fountain, or a fancy velvet couch, or a store full of lavish spa items, I thought about how simple my own apartment was. I couldn’t simply enjoy my surroundings because I was too busy wishing I could own it all.

During one trip, though, something occurred to me: the world is full of beauty I can take in, regardless of what I have—but I will never be able to appreciate it if I’m too busy trying to hold onto it.

This isn’t only true of all that glitters. It’s true of all the sights, sounds, and moments we may want to bottle and carry with us forever.

We can’t fully appreciate a picturesque sunset if we’re wishing it would never rain again.

We can’t fully enjoy a moment of true connection if we’re wishing we’d never feel alone again.

We can’t fully savor a relaxing day if we’re wishing we’d never be busy again.

Maybe the key to happiness is to focus less on making moments last and more on making them count.

We do that by choosing to fully experience them instead of wishing they wouldn’t end.

It’s human nature to wonder if we’d be happier with more. Perhaps the key is to work with that instinct and realize we can have more joyful experiences if we’re willing to cling to less.

Photo by {maira.gall}

“Keep your head clear. It doesn’t matter how bright the path is if your head is always cloudy.” -Unknown

Some days seem to start with a proverbial rain cloud dripping above our beds.

I had one of those days on Sunday. I didn’t sleep well on Friday or Saturday because I have a medical condition that sometimes wakes me in the middle of the night, so I woke up on Sunday feeling irritable and grouchy.

My boyfriend’s voice sounded like nails down a chalkboard. To be clear, I love him dearly, and I also love the sound of birds chirping. But in that moment, I wished I had a mute button because everything annoyed me.

I argued with him over something silly, and then felt horrible. Both of us work through the weekends, and despite my honest apology, I felt unhappy with myself and resistant to doing anything.

But doing nothing was not an option, so I pushed myself. I started our laundry, opened my computer, and then pulled out my to-do list.

Right then I realized: this is not the energy I ever want to bring to my work. Since I was feeling off-balanced and moody, the only option was to stop. To do nothing. To take a break, take a breath, and give myself space to create a better state of mind.

Sometimes it feels like there’s no time for this. We have responsibilities, people depending on us, things that need to get done. It can be tempting to just plow through, even if we’re not in a great headspace—after all, we don’t want to compromise our productivity.

The irony, though, is that taking 5–10 minutes for a short walk or some grounding breaths can make a profound difference in our efficiency.

We do everything more effectively when we come to it from a place of calmness—which means making time to take care of ourselves can actually be the best thing for our work and our goals.

But more importantly, taking time to clear our heads is a kind thing to do, for ourselves and other people. We live up there all day, every day, and whether we realize it or not, our thinking affects everyone around us.

So today I invite you to join me in prioritizing composure. Take the time you need. You deserve it—and so do your work and your relationships.

Photo by Wonderlane

“Curiosity is one of the great secrets of happiness.” -Bryant H. McGill

The other day, as I walking to the activities center in my apartment community to write, I saw a team of men cutting down dead tree branches using truck-mounted lifts. They were tossing them into a wood chipper which shred each one in a matter of seconds.

I’m sure this is a common practice, but it was the first time I’d ever seen this, so I decided to sit on the sidewalk and watch, even though I was on a tight schedule.

I felt mesmerized by this mass-pruning, preparing the area surrounding me for new life; and in that moment, my interest trumped my need to get things done.

I used to do this all the time as a kid—see something fascinating and get lost in an audience of one, preparing an array of questions to launch at the next adult I encountered. Every day there was something new to learn, and accordingly, something to get excited about.

We now live in a world where information is far more easily accessible, but amassing knowledge through the web is not the same as opening ourselves up to discovery in the world. One is the intellectual pursuit of facts; the other is the natural consequence of presence and curiosity.

One requires us to be searching; the other only requires us to be open.

It’s all too easy to live our days with a tight grip on our schedules—thrusting ourselves from commitment to commitment and in the process, stifling possibilities for spontaneity and awe.

When we live our lives in the zone of doing, we miss out on the many details we only notice through the act of being.

We miss out on the tiny nuances of our environment changing around us. We miss out on the tiny gestures of kindness from the people we love. And we miss out on opportunities to see the world through the eyes of childlike wonder.

I have found that the most exciting form of learning is the kind that comes from experience. The beauty is that we don’t need to plan for this. We just need to live in the moment and see what we discover.

Photo by quinn.anya

“Don’t let the past hold you back; you’re missing the good stuff.” -Unknown

There have been times when I’ve regretted that I missed out on so much when I was younger.

Because I held onto pain so tightly, I missed out on countless opportunities for fun while sitting alone and feeling bad for myself.

Because I felt so insecure for so long, I missed out on the chance to make strong friendships while shutting down and assuming people would hurt me.

And because I was afraid of failing, I missed out on all kinds of professional opportunities while doing what felt easy and safe.

Now, in my early 30s, it’s tempting to look back and feel bad for squandering those years when I was so full of potential. Then I remember: I still am.

The other night, I attended a family function with many of the amazing, interesting people who I didn’t fully appreciate when I was caught up in my personal dramas. I planned to leave early because I was somewhat tired, but I ended up dancing until the last song with my big fat Italian family.

I remember looking around at my cousins, ranging in age from 11 to 35, my aunt in her 50s, and friends of all ages in between, and recognizing that we were all the same on the dance floor.

We were all losing ourselves in the music, likely thinking about nothing, simply choosing to be together and move. It was almost as if in that moment, we were ageless. What had come or what was coming didn’t matter right then.

All that mattered was that we all had the same choice to make: sit it out, or dance (yes, like in the song).

That’s the choice we’re faced with every day.

We can focus on the fun things we could have done but didn’t, or we can do something fun right now.

We can dwell on the mistakes we made in past relationships, or we can focus on enjoying the relationships we’re in right now.

We can think about all the opportunities we missed out on, or we can focus on embracing possibilities right now.

There will always be something we didn’t do yesterday, but we get to choose right now how yesterday looks when we get to tomorrow. Right now, whatever age we are, this is our chance to live.

Photo by Lara604

“Never ignore a gut feeling, but never believe that it’s enough.” -Robert Heller

A while back, a friend of mine called me crying because of a huge disappointment in her life. She made a bold decision based on gut instinct, and then expected that everything would work out as she envisioned it because she felt so certain it was the right choice.

I think what hurt her most of all was the realization that nothing is certain. Following your instincts to leave something doesn’t guarantee it will be easy to find something else. And knowing that something feels right doesn’t ensure you’ll immediately know the right way to make it happen.

Our instincts point us in the right direction, but we need know before we take that first step that very few paths are clear and direct. The hardest thing isn’t taking the leap—it’s learning to relax in the free fall when you’re not sure yet where you’re going to land or how.

I have been in this place many times before.

I’ve walked out of offices, feeling empowered with my decision to quit—only to later to find myself wondering if I should have followed my father’s advice to “never leave one job without another lined up.”

I’ve walked away from unhealthy relationships feeling proud of my ability to let go—only to find myself obsessing about whether it was a choice to be permanently alone.

And I’ve decided to get help to change bad habits—only to find myself feeling unsure of how I’d function without them.

That instinctive decision to walk away from something, or toward something, or through something—it’s only the very beginning.

But if we’re brave enough to listen to it and take action, we’re also brave enough to handle the uncertainty ahead. If we have the strength to make that choice, we have the strength to keep honoring it when things get tough, as they often do.

Today if you’re walking through unfamiliar territory, wondering if you made the right choice, ask yourself: Would you question your decision if things all worked out right away? If the answer is no, then keep learning, keep growing, and keep going.

You know you want this. Now you just need to be patient enough to let yourself discover how you’ll do it.

Photo by geishaboy500

“Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.”  ~Will Rogers

It was like a scene in a movie. I was waiting to cross the street while pedestrians were crossing the perpendicular one. A number of cars were piled up, with drivers waiting to turn when the people made it to the sidewalk.

Several impatient drivers honked, as if they didn’t understand why the first one wasn’t going. So that first guy stuck his head out his window and yelled at the pedestrians, “Come on—hurry up!”

Then one of them yelled back, “I’m &%*#ing pregnant %$*hole. So shut up!” (No swearing here—this is a family friendly place!) She was pregnant—visibly. Meaning that first driver either didn’t actually look at her, or knowingly yelled at a pregnant woman because people behind him were applying pressure.

This got me thinking about an accident I read about many years ago. Several cars were stopped, and a woman behind them couldn’t see why, so she sped into the left lane to pass them—fatally injuring a third grader who was crossing the street.

Both situations boil down to urgency—that need to keep moving, and quickly. This not only fills us with anxiety and compromises our judgment, it also affects everyone us.

It can cause us to be careless in ways that directly impact others, and it creates an environment of tension that creates stress for everyone within it.

It’s when the person serving customers feels the need to run because he can sense people in line are getting impatient (or worse, he’s responding to criticism from them). It’s when you don’t really hear what someone’s saying to you because you’re too busy thinking about what you want to get done—not later, but right now, instead of having to listen.

We might gain five minutes we could otherwise have lost. We might get a sense of accomplishment for finishing one extra item on the to-do list. We might feel a sense of control instead of having to stand still and feel stuck or unproductive.

But we might also lose our peace, our composure, and opportunities to really connect with other people.

Wherever we are, this is life—it’s happening right now. Do we really want to rush through it?

Photo by j / f / photos

“Concentrate all your thoughts on the task at hand. The sun’s rays do not burn until brought to a focus.” –Alexander Graham Bell

I’m sitting smack dab in the middle of chaos. There are half-packed boxes, plastic bags full of clothes, and an assortment of decorative items I’ve yet to pack scattered around my living room.

There’s a stack of random items on my kitchen table—toiletries, paint brushes, marbles, things that don’t belong. For some reason I can’t recall, I rested a number of soup cans on the floor in front of two beach chairs that now lean against my kitchen wall.

My moving process has not been organized, which is highly unlike me. Since I’m juggling quite a bit of work right now, I’ve only been able to pack in spurts. This means I’ve needed to surrender to disorder.

Though I’m sure I could have been more methodical, appeasing my Type-A tendencies, I’m actually glad I chose not to. My messy apartment is now a microcosm for life, and I have a chance to find focus within it.

That’s not always an easy thing to do.

Have you ever felt like you couldn’t think straight until you cleaned your house? Or you couldn’t fully listen to what your friend was saying until you completed a few more items on your to-do list? Or you couldn’t relax until you received responses to important emails you sent?

It’s tempting to want to fix and finish everything before being there, for yourself or someone else, but there are certain things that are never solved or done.

If people are living in your house, it will never be totally clean. If you have goals and responsibilities, your to-do list will likely never be completed. And as much as we may like to control what other people do, that’s just not an option.

Life is chaos. It’s messy. We can create order in different systems—I’m a huge proponent of that. Being organized certainly makes things simpler and easier. But sometimes the simplest and easiest way to focus is to accept that things will rarely be simple and easy.

Sometimes the best we can do is focus on just one thing, knowing full well there are lots of other things that will just need to wait.

Photo by ms amutha

“Happiness consists of living each day as if it were the first day of your honeymoon and the last day of your vacation.” ~Leo Tolstoy

If you knew this would be your last day, would you waste time worrying about everything you might not finish on your to-do list?

Would you spend today dwelling on that minor disappointment?

Would you hold a grudge about that fight or misunderstanding?

Would you hesitate to tell the people you love just how much you care?

Would you be hard on yourself for your mistakes, imperfections, or struggles?

If you knew this would be your last day, would you make amends, or make a change, or make a point, or make a difference? Would you do something, or say something, that you’ve been waiting to do or say?

Would you look at something you always see with a new sense of appreciation?

Would you listen to people with a stronger focus, taking in every last word?

Would you say yes to what you really want and no to what you don’t?

Would you give yourself every opportunity to enjoy the people and things you love?

Take a deep breath, close your eyes, and then see this day anew. Wipe the slate clean. Take the pressure off. Put a smile on. Today is a new opportunity to be who you want to be and do what you want to do.

Photo by emdot

“Stay committed in your decisions, but stay flexible in your approach.” -Tom Robbins

This is the post that almost wasn’t—and it’s chock full of irony.

This weekend I spoke at the first annual Bonfire Heights retreat.

The founder, Darius, promoted this event as a meeting of “ordinary people doing extraordinary things.” Listening to the stories presenters shared, it occurred to me that “ordinary” was a modest assessment. The lineup included the youngest TED speaker ever—a 12-year old organic farmer; a teenage paraplegic who started a non-profit foundation called Walk and Roll; and multiple CNN Heroes, to name just a few individuals.

But it wasn’t just their messages that stirred me—it was their humanity. Since this was the first event of its kind, the crowd was relatively small, which allowed for an intimate experience. From community style meals, to S’mores around the bonfire, to impromptu nighttime beach walks, it felt like a family reunion. It felt like love was the only agenda.

Yesterday, I planned to write during several hours at the airport, since I hadn’t yet prepared a post for today. But I found myself instead immersed in a fascinating conversation about psychology with a new friend.

At first I resisted somewhat, since there was all kinds of inspiration percolating in my brain, waiting to be expressed in written words. I also knew I’d likely be exhausted by the time I got home. I have written every week day for more than two years. Not doing it just wasn’t an option.

Until it was.

My boyfriend would attest that Tiny Buddha has been the other man in my life. All my heart and soul are wrapped up in this site, and I generally make it my first priority. But in this moment, I decided being was more important than sharing. And I gave myself permission to take a day off from what I always do.

Of course I woke up at 7:30, fired up to share. But I’m happy to sit here knowing that I do this because I want to; not because I have to.

Sometimes the best way to stay consistent is to release that sense of urgency.

Photo by geishaboy500