“Trust your own instinct. Your mistakes might as well be your own, instead of someone else’s.”  -Billy Wilder

A few months ago, when I was creating my book marketing plan, an associate advised me to allocate resources to something that I felt certain was not a smart idea. He offered a detailed explanation for why I should do it, but I felt strongly that it wasn’t necessary.

I eventually did as he recommended because he was adamant that I should. Essentially, I decided his instincts were smarter than mine—even though this was new territory for both of us—and simply followed his instructions.

Sure enough, this investment yielded practically no return, and at first, I felt angry toward him. Why was he so persuasive, I wondered, and why didn’t he offer me additional guidance so that it didn’t end up being a complete waste of money?

I realized then that I was trying to hold him responsible, when the reality is that I am the only person with the power to follow my instincts and make my choices.

There are always going to be people who think they know what’s best for us—and many times, they will be well-intentioned.

There will be family members who think they know which career paths we should pursue. There will be friends who think they know when we should walk away from our relationships. It always seems so clear from the outside, but the reality is no one knows what the future holds and where our choices will lead us—including us.

No one can know that walking away from one job will ultimately lead to something better. No one can know that ending a relationship will prove wiser than spending time trying to work things out. And no one can change that there is an element of risk in every decision.

We can either take our risks based on other people’s instincts; or we can take responsibility for out path into uncertainty.

We can only ever know what feels right for us in a moment—not whether or not it’s the right or wrong choice to create our desired outcome. This means we need to dare to own our decisions.

We can best navigate twists and turns when we’re fully in the driver’s seat—but in order to do that, we need we have the strength and courage to steer.

Photo by sharrattsam

“Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what’s right.”  -Isaac Asimov

Last week a woman emailed me to let me know she holds the copyright for a photo someone submitted for the Life’s Hard Questions contest.

She told me she took the picture of an ex-friend, who we’ll call Tina, using Tina’s camera when they were on vacation, before they had a falling out—and now she wants the photo removed and Tina disqualified from the contest.

She also let me know her computer crashed, so she no longer has the original file. Still, she demanded I take it down or she’d be forced to take further action.

I couldn’t help but feel she reached out to me solely to spite Tina, now that they’re on bad terms. Tina confirmed my hunch when she let me know this ex-friend was harassing her in every possible way on the web.

I asked this woman to send some type of proof that she holds the copyright, but I have to admit a part of me hoped that she could not.

This scenario got me thinking about the speech I heard from Dr. Phil Zombardo, when he talked about what it means to be a hero; a big part of it is speaking out against injustice and not ignoring our instincts when we believe something is not right.

I believe it’s not right to intend to hurt someone—and I always feel compelled to do something when I see someone being mistreated. But I’ve learned that sometimes, even when we believe something is wrong, it’s just not our place to do anything about it.

When two friends are fighting, for example, and it’s tempting to take sides and get involved. But all this does is create more drama.

There are going to be things we feel adamantly are wrong, and sometimes there will be absolutely nothing we can do but offer our support where it’s needed.

Tina’s friend ultimately could not supply proof, so I didn’t need to take the photo down. But if she did, I would have been legally obligated to do just that. Regardless, it wasn’t my friendship to heal.

Sometimes the right thing to do is to let other people make things right.

Photo by nickyfern

“Freedom is the will to be responsible to ourselves.” -Friedrich Nietzsche

• When you choose to forgive instead of seeing the world through bitter eyes, you are free.
• When learn from your mistakes instead of letting them define or cripple you, you are free.
• When you love yourself regardless of what other people think, you are free.
• When you accept uncertainty instead of stressing about what you don’t know, you are free.
• When you embrace chaos, instead of struggling for control, you are free.
• When you recognize that we are all imperfect, and then resist the urge to fight that, you are free.
• When you choose to appreciate what you have instead of lamenting what you’ve lost, you are free.
• When you plant yourself in this moment, and do what you can to make the most of it, you are free.

Photo by usadifranci.

Visit the Tiny Buddha Facebook page to read 140+ definitions for freedom.

“Stay committed in your decisions, but stay flexible in your approach.” -Tom Robbins

This is the post that almost wasn’t—and it’s chock full of irony.

This weekend I spoke at the first annual Bonfire Heights retreat.

The founder, Darius, promoted this event as a meeting of “ordinary people doing extraordinary things.” Listening to the stories presenters shared, it occurred to me that “ordinary” was a modest assessment. The lineup included the youngest TED speaker ever—a 12-year old organic farmer; a teenage paraplegic who started a non-profit foundation called Walk and Roll; and multiple CNN Heroes, to name just a few individuals.

But it wasn’t just their messages that stirred me—it was their humanity. Since this was the first event of its kind, the crowd was relatively small, which allowed for an intimate experience. From community style meals, to S’mores around the bonfire, to impromptu nighttime beach walks, it felt like a family reunion. It felt like love was the only agenda.

Yesterday, I planned to write during several hours at the airport, since I hadn’t yet prepared a post for today. But I found myself instead immersed in a fascinating conversation about psychology with a new friend.

At first I resisted somewhat, since there was all kinds of inspiration percolating in my brain, waiting to be expressed in written words. I also knew I’d likely be exhausted by the time I got home. I have written every week day for more than two years. Not doing it just wasn’t an option.

Until it was.

My boyfriend would attest that Tiny Buddha has been the other man in my life. All my heart and soul are wrapped up in this site, and I generally make it my first priority. But in this moment, I decided being was more important than sharing. And I gave myself permission to take a day off from what I always do.

Of course I woke up at 7:30, fired up to share. But I’m happy to sit here knowing that I do this because I want to; not because I have to.

Sometimes the best way to stay consistent is to release that sense of urgency.

Photo by geishaboy500

“Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.” -Dalai Lama

I’d be happy if I had a boyfriend. I’d be happy if my boss promoted me. I’d be happy if I had a larger house. It’s not uncommon for people to make these assumptions–to believe happiness exists in some alternate reality where people and conditions are different.

In a way that’s comforting. It absolves you of responsibility, and puts the blame neatly on other people’s shoulders. But it also gives them the power.

You create your own happiness through the choices you make day to day. Not just the steps you take toward your dreams, but also the choice to enjoy where you are right now. The joy you get when you meet new people and learn from them. The passion you feel when you work on something you love. The peace you feel when you settle into a familiar routine with family.

It’s all available to you now.

What actions can you take today to create and tap into happiness?

*This was originally published on 9/15/09. Photo by John_Brennan

“When we get too caught up in the busyness of the world, we lose connection with one another–and ourselves.” -Jack Kornfield

It’s a funny thing about action: it can be precisely we need to get out of our heads and into our bodies, and precisely what we don’t need when it pulls us too far from what’s important.

You’ve probably noticed that there are days when you get caught up in thoughts, fears, stresses, and regrets. When your mind starts working over time, the choice to do something–whether it’s work or a passion–can be a decision to be more fully in the moment.

And yet sometimes doing can be a distraction from the simple act of being—alone or with the people we love. It might seem like a bridge from an inadequate situation to a place that’s far worthier, but life isn’t something on the other side of pushing. It only happens now.

Perhaps we need to get smart about our busyness to create a balance so we can recognize when we need keep moving and when we need to stand still.

It’s not a one-size-fits-all formula, and there definitely isn’t any right or wrong. It’s just a matter of what feels right, for each of us individually, when we’re being honest with ourselves.

Today if you feel disconnected from the things that matter in life, ask yourself: do I need to stop thinking and start doing, or take a break and simply be?

“How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world.” -Anne Frank

The hardest part of doing something new is starting. There will always be a lot you don’t know. There will always be fears to overcome. There will always be doubts about what you can do. Feel it all and get started anyway. Take one simple step.

Every day is a new opportunity to make a positive difference in the world, regardless of who you’ve been and what you’ve done before. Everyday is a rebirth, a new chance to make your day matter in a way that’s deeply personal and meaningful to you.

How can you start to improve the world today?

“When you learn, teach. When you get, give.” -Maya Angelou

Today is full of endless possibilities. Take it all in and then share it.

“We choose our joys and sorrows long before we experience them.” -Kahlil Gibran

It might seem crazy to suggest someone would choose sorrow, but it happens everyday. When you choose to let negative thoughts control your mind, you’re choosing sorrow. When you choose to see the worst in people, you’re choosing sorrow. When you choose to pin your happiness on other people instead of taking responsibility for creating it, you’re choosing sorrow.

We all do it from time to time, or more accurately moment to moment. It’s part of being human. Don’t worry if you’ve done it before or fear you might do it again. Just focus on this moment, right now. How can you choose joy today that will ripple into tomorrow?

Photo here

“The place to improve the world is first in one’s own heart and head and hands.” -Robert M. Pirsig

When you feel you live in a happy place, know that you chose to be happy. When you feel you live in a loving place, know that you chose to be loving. When you feel you live in a place with opportunity, know that you chose to look for them.

How will you choose to improve the world today?

Photo here