“Feelings are real and legitimate.” -Unknown

One of the most frustrating things in the world is feeling something painful and having other people tell you that you shouldn’t be upset.

That it’s no big deal that relationship didn’t work out, or that opportunity didn’t pan out—that it’s all in your head, so you should let it go, suck it up, and move on.

A while back, a friend of mine got fired from a new job after her first day. We were out in a group when she got the call, and several of us watched her emotions slowly build to gut-wrenching tears.

Naturally, everyone wanted to console her, but that quickly turned into a rapid fire succession of reminders that it really was no big deal—no one died—and she shouldn’t feel so crushed.

I understand it can be helpful to put things in perspective, and I know there were good intentions behind those words, but I found myself wondering if it ever helps to tell someone that they should be feeling something else.

No matter what someone else thinks about our circumstances and how we should respond, our feelings are not imagined.

If you’re mourning a loss of any kind, you don’t have to pretend you’re not hurt. Know that your feelings are real and valid.

If you’re missing the way things were, you don’t have to pretend you’re not sad. Know that your feelings are real and valid.

If you’ve been betrayed, disrespected, or violated in any way, you don’t have to pretend you’re not angry. Know that your feelings are real and valid.

We are only human, and we are going to have times when we feel wounded, sometimes over events that would challenge anyone’s sense of composure, and sometimes over things that may seem insignificant to everyone but us.

In those moments, we may feel an overwhelming surge of emotion without really know the words to express it. Maybe the key is to simply feel it, without stressing about whether that’s right or wrong, and then give ourselves some time to understand what’s going on in our heads and our hearts.

We can either judge our emotions, telling ourselves we should be stronger, or accept them for what they are, and then allow ourselves space to recognize what we can think and do to feel stronger.

Photo by The Wandering Angel

“The final proof of greatness lies in being able to endure criticism without resentment.” -Elbert Hubbard

Sometimes criticism can feel like a ticking bomb that needs to be disposed.

Case in point: I receive emails about every comment left on the site. While I’ll glance at them peripherally to be sure they’re not spam that made it through the filter, I generally let them accumulate so I can respond to many all at once.

But sometimes, I’ll notice a harsh criticism, and suddenly feel this need to respond to it right now.

I’m not sure if it’s because I feel vulnerable having been publicly criticized, or because I feel the need to clear up misconceptions in order to feel a sense of control, but something in me shouts, “This is bad. Do something about it, and fast!”

Replying in a timely fashion is, of course, not problematic, but reacting with a Pavlovian fear response is a whole different story—one that raises the question: What is about criticism that feels so scary?

Have you ever felt a sense of anxiety over someone else’s opinion, as if you feared it would somehow hurt you? Have you ever felt a strong need to defend yourself against negative feedback, as if you couldn’t relax until you cleared things up?

Or how about this: Have you ever been so busy responding to criticism that seemed destructive that you didn’t have time to consider if there was something constructive in it?

The reality is we all judge and criticize, if not publically, than in our heads. It’s a natural human instinct to form opinions about things. Hopefully, we have the tact to not to be cruel, but it will happen to all of us from time to time. Usually, it will only be as disastrous as we make it.

One harsh comment on this site won’t change anything in the grand scheme of things—even if other people read it, too. One harsh comment from a coworker won’t change your talent, potential, or prospects.

It never feels comfortable to be critiqued, especially if someone attacks your character or clearly misjudges your intentions. But we make the best use of our energy if we look for positive takeaways, and then challenge the voice inside that says, “Something is wrong.”

Nothing’s wrong, so long as we learn, respond calmly, and move on, feeling balanced and empowered.

Photo by Miheco

“The use of money is all the advantage there is in having it.” –Benjamin Franklin

I just came back from the dentist where I learned I need $1,400 worth of dental work, and it’s largely because I failed to make a $100 investment last year.

My former dentist had informed me my teeth were worn down from me grinding them in my sleep. She’d suggested I purchase a customized mouth guard, which would run from $100–500, depending on the quality.

I decided to spend $30 at CVS instead, because I enjoy spending as little as possible and, as a result, I often finds ways to cut corners. It’s not because I don’t have money; it’s just because I prefer saving it.

Ultimately, wearing this ill-fitting mouth guard turned out to be an expensive decision, because it kept my mouth slightly open, which dried it out each night—and saliva is something that prevents tooth decay and protects us from cavities, of which I now have eight.

Have you ever decided to go with the lowest cost contractor—maybe for work on your house or your website—only to find you got what you paid for?

Have you ever opted to go without health insurance because you assumed you wouldn’t need it, only to find that health is fragile?

Have you ever bought the cheapest possible furniture, only to realize spending just a little more would have made a big difference in your enjoyment of your space?

Or how about this: Have you ever talked yourself out of a dream because it would require a financial risk?

These are all things I have done—sometimes to save a little, and other times to save a lot.

It seems contrary to conventional wisdom to suggest that not spending can be an emotional decision, but it can be exactly that—a choice to skimp on something necessary or useful in fear there won’t be enough down the road.

This scarcity mindset can prevent us from rationally weighing the options when a moderate expense now can prevent a major one later—or even make us money in the long run.

If you’re someone who spends freely without fear, this lesson may not resonate with you, but for those who can relate: less is not always more.

Sometimes we need to invest in ourselves or our future. As long as we’re not spending recklessly, we can trust this truly is the wisest choice.

Photo by sherrattsam

“Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow. It only saps today of its joy.” -Leo Buscaglia

A friend of mine got engaged this September. Previously, she and her fiance agreed that they both did not want children. But recently she’s been wondering about whether or not she’ll regret this some day–when she’s older and it’s no longer physically possible.

Mere nights before I discussed this with her, I read some discouraging research about the effects of parenting on happiness: Daniel Gilbert reports that “parenting makes most people about as happy as an act of housework.”

I suspect that’s not universally true, and I still want children. But part of me can’t help wondering how I’ll feel after I actually have them–if I’ll feel it was the right choice in the right time.

It’s instinctive to wonder how we’ll feel down the line–to some extent, it guides our decision-making process. But the reality is, no matter what choice we make, there will be pros and cons. And on some level, we will likely imagine how life might have been if we took a different path.

We have limitless choices in life, and every one is simultaneously a decision to do one thing and not do something else.

Choosing to be a home owner is choosing not to have the freedom of a month-to-month lease. Choosing to accept an exciting, demanding job is choosing to have less time to yourself than you may have had otherwise.

We can either stress about everything we might miss by following our instincts, or trust that we are making the right decisions based on our wants, values, and priorities.

Of course, this assumes we are able to hear and trust our instincts. It presupposes we’re willing to look within and then honor what we find.

Today if you find yourself worrying about the path you’re taking, remember: You made this choice for a reason. You can only enjoy it if you choose not to stress about it.

Photo by Cheryl.R

“Never apologize for showing feelings. When you do so, you apologize for the truth.” -Benjamin Disraeli

As I’ve been preparing my presentation for the Wanderlust Yoga and Music Festival, I’ve been watching a lot of powerful speeches related to my topics of authenticity and connection. I found my way to Dr. Brené Brown, who researches vulnerability.

In her inspiring talk, Brené explains how shame can be one of the biggest barriers to connection. If you believe there is something wrong with you—that you are somehow unworthy—you may hide who you are in fear of being judged and rejected.

This is why I spent most of my early and mid-20s completely isolated. Because I felt overwhelming shame for mistakes I’d made, and I believed that they defined me, I chose to fester in a prison of my own making to avoid people’s judgment.

Though I have now joined the land of the social, there are still times when I think my true feelings are an admission of weakness. I get a lot of emails from readers who seem to feel the same way—that they shouldn’t be feeling angry, or frustrated, or hurt, or whatever. They think they should be stronger or more evolved than that.

This only exacerbates the pain because you pile guilt on top of the initial feeling.

There is no shame in having emotions. And as Brené points out, it’s nearly impossible to numb the uncomfortable ones without also diluting the positive.

If we want to know joy, elation, excitement, and everything else that makes life worth living, we need to give ourselves permission to feel the full range of emotions. And if we want to connect with each other, we need to accept and love ourselves in every moment, even when our truth feels heavy.

Today if you start judging what you’re feeling, remind yourself: Everyone deals with difficult feelings. What separates us is what we do with them.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X4Qm9cGRub0

“Some people think it’s holding that makes one strong—sometimes it’s letting go.” -Unknown

Sometimes admitting that something is over can feel like defeat. After all, we hear a lot of messages that tell us to never give up–to hold on and keep fighting at all costs.

But if you’re honest with yourself, you’ll know when it’s time to move on.

You’ll know when a relationship no longer serves you, and you’re just staying because you’re too scared to leave. You’ll know when a job no longer makes you happy, but you’re staying because you think it will be hard to find something else. You’ll know when a business idea didn’t work, and it’s time to cut your losses and start the next thing.

Somewhere inside you, you always know.

You just have to stop ignoring the symptoms of your awareness or discontent, and decide it’s time to let go–of the relationship, the friendship, the job, the hobby, the idea, the religion, and in some cases, the illusion of something that you never even had to begin with.

Today if you’re unsure whether you should hold on or let go, create space and stillness and then ask yourself: If you were fully honest about your motivations and needs, and not letting your fear choose for you, which choice would you make?

Now all you need is the strength to make it. So the real question is: Are you strong enough to choose for your happiness?

Photo by zedmelody

“If you spend your whole life waiting for the storm, you’ll never enjoy the sunshine.” -Morris West

Today I watched Finding Nemo, one of my absolute favorite Disney movies. When Dory and Marlin are searching for his lost son Nemo and it seems like they’re doomed to fail, Marlin says, “I promised I’d never let anything happen to him.”

Dory responds, “Hmm. That’s a funny thing to promise. You can’t never let anything happen to him. Then nothing would ever happen to him. Not much fun for little Harpo.”

As someone who has often worried about people I love, I find this incredibly insightful. The truth is we never can know for certain when a storm is coming. We can’t fully protect ourselves or the people we love from hardship.

What we can do is choose not to cause ourselves pain by shutting down, fearing everything that might go wrong. When we hide from the worst that could possibly happen, we also close ourselves off from the best.

Today if you’re feeling fearful about things that might go wrong tomorrow, come back to the present and recognize things that are going right today.

There’s a lot of sunshine to enjoy in life, but we can only appreciate it if we’re willing to be firmly rooted in the here and now.

Photo by Nieve44/La Luz

“Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.” -Proverb

When you worry, it can feel like you’re accomplishing something. Like the act of worrying itself will prevent a painful experience or somehow alter the future. It doesn’t. Odds are that thing you’re trying to prevent won’t actually happen, and if it does, it won’t be as bad as you expect.

If you think back on other things you worried about, you’ll probably recognize that you not only survived those situations, but you also somehow grew and benefited in the aftermath.

That’s the funny thing about the “worst that can possibly happen.” If we believe in ourselves, we can always make the best of it.

Whatever happens tomorrow you can handle it, but you can’t possibly handle it before it happens. All you can do now is see and work with what is actually in front of you.

Today, if you start to feel overwhelmed by the things you feel you can’t control, surrender to the moment. Then ask yourself: How can I make the most of this moment instead of worrying about the one that’s coming?

Photo by holymakeral

“When you doubt your power, you give power to your doubt.” -Honore de Balzac

When you think that you don’t know, know that somewhere inside you, you do. When you think you can’t go on, know that you absolutely can and will. When you aren’t sure that you can make a difference, know that you already do, and you will continue to if you just keep going.

It’s not about having all the answers. It’s about how boldly you’re willing to act, knowing full there’s a lot you don’t know.

Today if you doubt yourself, remember: You are far more powerful than you think. You just need to believe it.

Photo by Accidental Beauty Photography

“I know but one freedom and that is the freedom of the mind.” ~Antoine de Saint-Exupery

In his book Wisdom 2.0, Soren Gordhamer explores a concept he calls cup mind.

The mind, he explains, can be like a cup or the ocean. When you place a drop of blue dye in a cup, the entire contents may change color, whereas when you place that same drop in the ocean, it barely has an impact.

Our thoughts and feelings can affect our minds similarly. They can completely consume us and alter our entire experience of a given day; or, if we create enough mental space, they can be a part of our experience that we can notice, sit with, and then release.

We can allow anger from the morning to snowball in the afternoon and evening, or we can recognize it, feel it, then let it go. We can obsess over everything we think we did wrong or want to do differently, or we can recognize the stress and worry, move beyond them, and then decide to see things from a different angle.

Today if your mind gets overwhelming, ask yourself: What can I do to create some space? Then do it: Take a walk, practice deep breathing, or simply sit in stillness.

We are always going to think and feel. There is no escape from the mind. Whether or not it’s a prison is entirely up to us.

Photo by Wendy Piersall