I'm 24 and have never been with I

[Perry]

I know…shocking! It’s pretty rare for someone to be 24 and never been in a relationship. It makes me feel abnormal. I feel like I have missed out on a huge part of life and it’s all downhill from here.

I’m an introvert and prefer to stay at home rather than going out. This means I have very few chances to meet people and form relationships. I don’t have any friends.

I feel like there’s something wrong with me considering no one has ever liked me. I must have aA pretty undesirable personality. It’s also frustrating to see that something that comes so easy to the majority is damn near impossible to me.

At this point, I have become negative, cynical, jaded and jealous of all couples. Even if I do net someone who likes me, I’ll have the whole stigma of being a 24 year old virgin. It’s all downhill from here. I have been working on accepting that I’m going to be alone forever, but it’s a hard road to travel.

I’m not really sure what to do at this point of my life. I want companionship….badly, but that just reeks of desperation. Besides, I’m not sure why any girl would want me. There’s hasn’t been any indication in the past of any girl wanting to.

So, I guess if someone could guide as to how to come to terms with being alone and being content with it.

[Perry]

Title is supposed to say anyone, rather than the I

[Anonymous]

Dear Perry,

I am not too concerned with you being 24 and never having a girlfriend. My second serious bf was 26 when he met me. I was his first girl-friend. Everyone has a phase in their life when they want a relationship for whichever reasons. Leave aside the notion that there is a rule saying you have to have a relationship by a certain age. Here’s the thing though – clearly you seek connection and companionship and feel that can be found in a partner itself. My question is, why are you limiting yours beliefs that you cant go outside and meet new people, make friends? What is so wrong with you as a person anyway? Even if you found someone, if you dont like who you are, how can you expect to form healthy intimacy with someone else? Wouldnt you be overly dependent on that person then? I am not going to guide to a life of being alone. You’re only 24 and way too young to have such grandiose notions of solitude. You need to face these fears and insecurities rather than withdrawing into a shell. These years wont come back. If you feel you’ve missed out on life, you will miss out more if you withdraw now and give up. Why live with these regrets? If you really were happy with it, would be asking for companionship in the first place? People dont complete us but they really enrich our lives in unexpected ways. Why do you think no one will ever like you? Is there some source to this negativity?

What do you think?

Moon

[TheDaydreamer]

Dear Perry

First and foremost: it’s not shocking. And you’re not going to be alone forever. If you don’t wish to be.
Wanting companionship does not reek of desperation, it is a basic human need. And that’s totally okay!
Accept the fact that you would like a companion, but don’t stress too much. That will be noticeable.

Have you ever wondered if you exude that certain distance that makes it hard for people to come up to you?
Because if it’s your belief that you will be alone forever, that’s an attitude that is tangible. So please, accept that so far, it wasn’t in your story or journey to have met a companion. But everyone will find someone if they let the love in and believe they deserve it.

I mean, listen. I think I’m a pretty attractive young woman. I am now 25 and I was a virgin until I was 22. But because it was my choice, because I wasn’t ready for it. And my first relationship began shortly before I turned 23. So, I guess I’m a latebloomer. But I really don’t care. We’re not all gonna meet out soulmate at 16 and get married. And also not everyone is made to just have sexual encounters without meaning until they find someone worth staying for. We all have to go our own way and live our own story.

So, go out of your comfort zone and try to make friends. Meet people! Don’t expect to get married in 6 months (although who knows!) but be happy, bright and great – as you are anyways. Maybe sign up for some online dating sites, but see them as a game a playing field where you can practice talking to women.

I wish you the best! Don’t tell yourself you’re ALREADY 24 – you’re ONLY 24. You have so much life ahead of you! And so much love to experience. Excluding love from our lives might seem like a good idea to protect yourself from pain – but the pain of that regret, that remorse you WILL feel if you don’t at least try is much, much worse than any heartbreak.

MUCH LOVE Perry 🙂

xx

[Brian]

It’s pretty clear that you don’t actually want to be alone. Being content with who you are is another matter. I had my first serious relationship when I was 22, I think. I’ve been single for something like 13 years. A big reason for my being single that long was because I thought nobody liked me. Turns out I was so severely depressed and isolating that I hated myself and didn’t want others to see me…when in reality I really *did* want others to see me. After high school, I had a fellow graduate tell me that I’d “be surprised” by the number of women who were interested in me. I didn’t notice any of this…I was too busy literally looking at the floor and avoiding eye contact. Not saying this is your situation; just relating what I’ve become aware of over the years.

“Besides, I’m not sure why any girl would want me”…I think maybe you could make a list of things that are positive and likable about yourself. Do you think you can do that, write it down, for yourself? Fostering positive things about yourself, even if you don’t believe them, can help build you up. It’s likely that women will gravitate toward you if you’re confident and self-secure…but women can only gravitate toward you if you put yourself in situations where you’ll meet them. That might go against your desire for staying home (what does staying home do for you? Maybe make a list of those things too; then make a list of things that are likely to happen if you go out), but the alternative is very likely you staying alone.

Consider me a cautionary tale, if you will: I’m 39 and it seems every woman I run into is either married or has kids (or wants kids)…I want neither. I began fostering happiness in earnest almost 2 months ago–my outlook on life has changed dramatically for the healthier. So, if you don’t want to be single when you’re 39, don’t wait to build yourself up and maybe take some positive risks with going out 🙂

[Anonymous]

Dear Perry:

Here are some thoughts:

Let’s say you are right, that really it is true that there is something inherently wrong with you, can’t be fixed, that you are unlikable and unlovable. Let’s assume that. There are many, many young women out there, unfortunately, who also believe that there is something inherently wrong with them, can’t be fixed, that they are unlikable and unlovable. Since needing companionship is a human need, you need it and these women believing as you do, also need it. And all you need is one of those women that believe like you do, correct?

Another thought, my own thoughts as I read your post, I was thinking, honestly and sincerely the following: there is nothing wrong with Perry except for what he is thinking and believing. It is very possible for Perry to change his thoughts and his core beliefs and become a content man, engaging in a healthy relationship with a woman and a healthy life otherwise.

I was thinking this. This is my belief as I read your post. One of us is right. One of us is wrong.
anita

[jock]

when I was 24, I thought I was old. “oh dear, pretty soon, I’ll be too old to find a partner”. I was wrong. I found one, but not until 30. So I wouldn’t be panicking just yet.
Oh and re you v status. Be proud of your uniqueness. There’s plenty of guys with no self respect who have lost theirs.

• This reply was modified 8 years, 6 months ago by jock.

[jock]

It’s likely that women will gravitate toward you if you’re confident and self-secure

So that’s why women didn’t gravitate towards me. 🙂

[John]

Hi Perry,

My name is John. I’m a 24 year old male and I’ve also never been in a real relationship. I struggle with my image, even though I’ve been told by several sources I’m handsome. It’s gotten to the point where I basically avoid any situation where I could insert myself into the conversation. It feels like starting would just be shoveling sand against the tide. I’m going down and I know it. So that’s where I’m going. Trust me, you’re not alone.

[jock]

perry and jhc
so I have a question or two then.
What are your expectations in regards to the opposite sex?
How would you feel talking to a female version of yourself?
Don’t you realise that women are insecure and human as well?

[Perry]

I’m going to reply to everyone at once.

The most common theme I’ve heard from people is that I’m very negative and I bring people down. I had a very short term casual relationship with a girl and she left me for another guy. The other guy is complete opposite of me. He’s outgoing, fun loving, positive etc. I’ve been told I depress people and bring them down.

Another thing I’ve observed that in the dating world, as a man, I have to be the one who approached and pursues women. That’s my role. If I don’t fulfil that role, I’ll be alone, like I have been. The thing is I have minor social anxiety which means asking a girl out is a huge deal. Add to that, that I have no self-confidence and that is critical, because as a man, I have to be confident one in order to take the rejections that come with dating. It’s just a part of the deal.

Another problem is that I have no social life. Where do people go when they have no friends? Need friends to make more friends. I don’t know what it is, but people are just not attracted to me. I’m the only one putting in effort to make it work, and it leads nowhere. I guess my biggest problem is I don’t know how to meet people or form a good first impression.

[jock]

play the game
play the superficial game of life
some may disagree with my advice here but to an extent we have to try to make ourselves loveable on the outside. The nice authentic part of us, they can find out later.
To attract the opposite sex and really friends in general I’d suggest:
-get advice on appearance, hairstyle, clothes choice,
-develop a cheerful persona, look glad to meet others, take an interest in them, pretend to be a little extroverted
-do an active sport which trims and tones your body
-take an interest in some news/gossip eg. famous celebrity movie star
-visit dating site on the net and create a “new” profile

Other than this,get seriously into Buddhism. Go to Thailand and become a Buddhist monk. it will change your life for the better. I’ve heard it is really tough though. You can’t swat mosquitos whilst you are meditating. Imagine them biting you!

[Anonymous]

Dear Perry:

Are you motivated to dig out your negativity and examine it? Are you angry at people for letting you down? How long have you been angry? Your relationship with your parent/s, are you willing to examine that? Have you? In that first most important relationship is where you formed your negative core beliefs.

If you are willing to examine your formative years, your first relationship, the one with a care taker, a parent, there are the answers, that is if you are motivated.

Hope is in the examining.
anita

[Anonymous]

Dear Perry,

It seems you are indeed aware of the issues at hand. Tell me a bit more about your current life situation like are you working, studying, doing something else etc?

I do agree with Jack on the importance of a superficial bit – ironically that stuff has to go side by side with the internal repair as well. Have you seen a counselor about these negative thoughts and social anxiety? I was pretty apprehensive too but going and talking to one really helped. If you cant afford it, maybe i will try to point out free or less expensive resources depending on your country.

What say?

Regards,
Moon

PS: Dont worry, no one is judging you here. We are trying to help. I have had bad social anxiety most of my life coupled with depression. The others have faced situations too. So please feel free to speak up and ask 🙂

[Brian]

To your last post Perry:

I’ve been told the same thing about myself. However, over the years I’ve become more open and more carefree, at least on the outside. I also relate to having to be the man who reaches out to the woman. This however isn’t fair, but it is a societal construct.

How/when do you encounter women? From my own experience, creating a positive sense of self makes the anxiety lessen. Perhaps ask yourself what’s the worst that could happen. Or what’s the best that could happen. Would either of these results mean you’re utterly compromised?

You mention self-confidence as the crux. I agree. It is possible to build self-confidence. I think I wrote a lot about that in my first post. Maybe build yourself up a bit, in manageable pieces. What would a small step look like for you, either in your own confidence or in seeking a woman? Meetup.com has a lot of..well…meetups, where you can join a group and meet with that group around a common interest. It might be scary at first, but if you persist it gets easier.

[Author]

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