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Amelia_R

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Viewing 6 posts - 1 through 6 (of 6 total)
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  • #95672
    Amelia_R
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Yes, square one is exactly what you have described above. And I do suppose in a way that was the situation for me as a child too- infact you saying that has actually made me cry for some reason. As I child I didn’t understand emotion and love and security as I didn’t have it in the way a child growing up should. I would say I was this way for many years. From the age of 16 I have had long term relationships, with my second one being very toxic, my third one being the 7 year relationship which although was with a loving a kind person, we never really progressed and in the end we drifted, however throughout this period from about 21-26 I really started feeling happy in myself and able to express my feelings, to love and to feel confident and outgoing, I felt safe and secure- I did also believe we could have worked through the issues, but he did not and it ended. And now my latest, a relationship which really I knew deep down I was not truly happy in, he was not the right person for me but I still carried on hoping that it would work, wanting to feel that happiness I experienced at the start, in a way it was a relief feeling, like thank god I have someone now who I can finally have a good relationship with and yes, I suppose like you say it was a way to avoid being on my own and being lonely.

    The day I took last week to just be by myself was really relaxing, I really enjoyed my me time- but was that just because I knew he was coming round later? It wasn’t definitely over at that stage… now I feel lost, unable to concentrate properly, extremely tired- I feel like I have gone back in time, back to when I was not confident or happy.

    #95662
    Amelia_R
    Participant

    Hi,

    So I took my day of relaxation and really enjoyed it. I knew he was coming around for the evening and was trying to decide what do do, I thought I would see what happens when he came round. He seemed off, distant, I wasn’t feeling happy around him. The next day I saw a message on his phone to his ex partner, saying he would like to take her out for dinner. I confronted him, he said it wasn’t what it looked like etc. etc.

    I ended it, but then couldn’t help but keep messaging him to tell him how I felt or even maybe to try to work it out again, I don’t know why I did that! Last night after messaging he said we wouldn’t work and I haven’t and won’t, respond.

    But now I just have this terrible feeling of dread and loss, my stomach is clenched and hurting and it’s horrible because I know he did me wrong, I know he was not right for me and didn’t make me happy, I know he lied countrless times, but yet I can’t stop this great sadness- I feel lost, like I’m just living in a daze, going through the motions, not being able to feel happy about anything. My long term relationship ended after nearly 7 years last year, I thought I had found happiness again and then after a few months it’s all over and I am back to square one- I have so many thoughts going around in my head, memories, flashbacks… I don’t know to feel happy and strong.

    #94979
    Amelia_R
    Participant

    Thanks Anita that’s really helpful, I’m definitely not thinking straight or clearly at the moment and I am putting pressure on myself to make a decision and to figure this out and it’s just getting too complicated inside my head. I’m going to take a ‘me’ day tomorrow and do some things I like and have some rest and relaxation and hopefully find some clarity 🙂

    #94970
    Amelia_R
    Participant

    Anita- I feel that what if he really does change and will not lie to me anymore then we could be good and back to how it was at the start- if I gave him this chance, there are good things about him… I suppose I want it to work, so against everything else that’s wrong I am still hoping- I feel if I ended it would I always regret it?

    Thanks Aislynn, sorry to hear about all the troubles you had- my worry is also that now he will just be more careful and hide things from me. I agree with everything your saying too- when you went through it with your previous partner what made you make the decision to finally end it?

    Everything points to him being a liar and unsuitable for me, but I can’t help but think what if he really is trying now and really is being honest with me? Thing is I will never really know unless I trust him and right now I don’t, but I wonder if in time the trust could come back?

    #94952
    Amelia_R
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thanks for that and yes, I see the twist of reality as well. I see what he has done/ is doing is wrong and the lies and deceit, there are so many warning signs telling me to end this, but for some reason I cannot find the courage and I don’t know whether it’s because I’m scared of doing the wrong thing or because I feel that there could be a chance… when I ended it with him before I was strong and sure, but for some reason now I feel really uncertain and just unable to make a decision. I’m doubting myself, I don’t know how to be sure of what to do?

    Thanks Inky, yes I felt that after he got so defensive that it was because he had something to hide, after all if he did not, then why did he not just take the call in front of me? He said he should be allowed to not take a call if he doesn’t want to, which again was making out like I was trying to tell him what to do.

    I guess the thing is, after her opened up I said I would give him a chance- so feel it would be wrong to end it again without really giving it a go? I have so many different thoughts and feelings going around in my head I am just finding it impossible, I feel like I am incapable of making a decision, I feel like I can’t trust my feelings, I don’t know if what I am feeling is real or if I am fooling myself into feeling or thinking something, I’m questioning everything I think and feel and it’s just left me so confused!

    #94933
    Amelia_R
    Participant

    Thank you Inky 🙂 I really appreciate that. I do feel like I need to break away, but it’s just finding the strength to I suppose and also, being sure about my decision. I am so afraid of making the wrong choice and having regrets! Do you think that if someone can lie and hide things the way he has, then it means that is the way they always will be and that they cannot change? Does it make them a bad person do you think? For me to be lied to makes me feel like he doesn’t really love me or consider me a priority? And since agreeing to give him another chance all I can feel is worry that I will be lied to again, that he doesn’t truly care- a few days I questioned him about a phone call he avoided whilst with me. I asked who it was and he replied to say it was the same friend who I mentioned in my previous post, so naturally I felt suspicious of that, as soon as I asked him who it was and what he wanted and why he did not take the call, he got really defensive and said I should trust him. We had a bit of an argument, he said he fees like I always need to get my own way- it felt like everything was turned on to me, but I wasn’t the one who lied and hid things in the past, it was him, it was his fault that I now feel this way and his actions that made me want to end things- but after that argument I was the one who felt guilty and upset, I knew he was off with me and I wanted to make it right and then since then I have just been worried that I shouldn’t have been suspicious I should have faith and now that I have shown I don’t have faith that, it has made him think less of me.

    Before that afternoon, things were actually going well. I was being positive and being extra thoughtful towards him, appreciating little things he had done as I could see he was making an effort and in turn I could see his positive reactions and we felt closer than we had been for a while. But then after the argument this weekend it’s like another step back and I’m back to that horrible stage again. Maybe I am trying to fight a losing battle, I just don’t know, I just find it hard to give up trying in case something really good could come out of it. But all of these little hiccups are putting strain on this relationship, which isn’t even 6 months old yet- should I keep fighting? Do you think it would be possible to go back to how we were before when I felt happy and secure with him?

Viewing 6 posts - 1 through 6 (of 6 total)