It is hard to read but I understand and agree with it. I don’t think their intentions were ever bad but it is what happened. Both of my parents have anxiety as well and my dad has admitted they passed it to me.

I just don’t know how to go about fixing all of this. I know being aware and mindful is the first step but I don’t know how else to change my way of thinking.

Thank you, I will try this.

I have another question relating to my original post. So I’ve still been talking to this guy some. We have talked about meeting up before I leave but timing has been bad. Last night something just clicked where I started feeling annoyed with him. Like I said, I understand he is newly single and I was okay with being looked at as a rebound since I am leaving and he has been a nice distraction for me too. But last night I just felt like he was so different than the guy I was originally talking to and I know I just need to walk away from him. I think it would be healthy for me especially as I have a lot to do before I move.

My problem is that I don’t want to end it. And this goes back to hanging on to people I know I shouldn’t. I know I should say to him “I have enjoyed getting to know you but I am moving and you are clearly going through some things and it is clear you have no intention of seeing me before I leave so we should just end this.” But I still want to hold on to him. I hate the idea of having talked to him for this long and then never talking again. But I also know that our conversations are starting to cause me anxiety.

You are right – they intentionally put pressure on me to succeed but they did not mean for it to harm me in anyway.

I thought about this overnight. I’m wondering if me getting attached to certain men is related to this need for perfection. I’m thinking out loud and forming some initial thoughts but I wonder if in a way I see having someone or being a relationship as one step in perfectionism. I definitely strive to be perfect in other areas of my life (friends, work, school, diet, exercise). I know deep down that I don’t need a man to make me complete but I could see that in my perfectionist mind, having someone does complete what I think of as “perfect.” Maybe I hold on to people I don’t even think are that great because a relationship not working out is a sign of failure. So I will hold on even when I think things should end to avoid that. So when the guy ends things, I am crushed. This may be why I have so much anxiety about losing people. I don’t know – this is the first time I’ve really connected all of these things. What are your thoughts on this?

Unfortunately, with my move, I had to end things with my current therapist.

Thank you, Jenn! The good thing about being single these past few years is that I have been able to work on myself and I know I need to keep doing that.

Anita, I have been seeing a therapist for awhile and we have touched on a lot of this. She thinks (and honestly I agree) that I have abandonment issues from my mom dying. I am terrified of being left. Romantic relationship wise, I have had healthy ones and some not so healthy ones. I can see why I hold on so strong even though I know in some cases they aren’t that good for me. But I’m still not sure why I get attached in the first place. I’ve been thinking a lot about what you said but haven’t formed completely why it resonated with me. I have really great girlfriends and an amazing, supportive dad. But for some reason I crave those romantic relationships too.

I also really agree with your comment on routine. I do very very well with routine. My life has been crazy lately so maybe I need to focus more on getting back into routines (eating better, consistently going to the gym, etc). My therapist has also kindly recommended yoga and meditation but that is hard for me to do!

Thank you Inky! That is good advice. I think I feel some pressure because I’m in my 30s so I want to meet someone/have a family but I also don’t want to waste my time just dating haha. But I enjoy this guy’s company so I will take it for what it is and not worry too much.

Thanks, guys. I was feeling pretty anxious yesterday but ended up going to yoga and feeling a lot better. We talked last night and today and I was feeling in a good place. But now I feel anxious again. I’m so nervous around him that I end up not knowing what to say and I’m afraid he’ll think I’m boring but then I also don’t want to say too much or come off as needy. Our conversations have been pretty equal in terms of who initiates and the flow of the conversation but I hate how much I’m overthinking this.

Hey guys. Thanks for your responses. I have been thinking about them a lot the past couple of weeks.

The night I originally posted I ended up meeting up with an ex and told him everything. He had reappeared in my life about a month before and I think I needed to tell someone where I knew no risk was involved. I think it was therapeutic in that I had someone else to tell and talk about things with. However, the past week or so I’ve realized that having him back in my life is not healthy. He was not a good boyfriend and while it’s nice having someone to sympathize with me, I think there were other things outweighing that.

So basically I still feel stuck. I don’t think I’ve felt this depressed and anxious since I got arrested. I’ve been contracting at a really good job for the past year and they’ve recently decided to hire me on. I’ve been absolutely sick about what the background report will show and if they even decide they want to hire me on if they know.

I keep telling myself to power through it but I feel absolutely alone and isolated. I’m starting to feel worthless as well. I know there are people out there who have been through the same things but I don’t know any of them. I think all I really need right now is for someone to ask me if I’m okay.

Hi Shawn! I love that idea of thinking about how much time that relationship took up compared to my whole life. When I think about my life up to now and how much life I hopefully have left, a year really isn’t that much time. I’ve also been trying to tell myself that I’ve gotten through (much worse) breakups before so I can do it again!