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Eliza

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Viewing 9 posts - 1 through 9 (of 9 total)
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  • #113944
    Eliza
    Participant

    Thank you for your kind words, Kynthia. There have been days where I have feared I’d lose my mind. I agree with the mundane things gutting you. Last week I was at a shopping mall and all of a sudden I saw this tiny figures my brother used to collect, and I felt a sharp pain in my chest. Even thinking about random moments of the past triggers the pain, because he was present in those moments, and he’s not here anymore…
    I’m glad you feel better now, too!

    #112133
    Eliza
    Participant

    @pinkiepops: You story is similar to mine. The tips I can give you from my personal experience:

    1. You are not responsible for his happiness. It’s normal that you care about him, but his happiness is HIS responsibility. If you’re still friends you can help him and give him advice, but he’ll have to do the work.
    2. By setting him free you’re actually letting him with more options to find someone that can make him happy
    3. You deserve to be happy.
    4. It’s painful, but he’ll get over it with time and will probably learn a precious lesson for life.
    5. Life is too short to waste precious time pretending we love someone we actually don’t. We’re lying to them and to ourselves.

    Big hug

    #112127
    Eliza
    Participant

    Hi @slp1214 I think you’re right to be mad at him in most of these situations, it’s really disrespectful to promise to do things and then flake out. Just because a person is caring or trustworthy it doesn’t mean that they’re perfect, I learned this the hard way. I can relate to you in the sense that I dated someone who was caring and faithful but he was the most boring person in the world and I think he never really listened at me, he even frequently interrupted me when I was speaking. Although I wasn’t happy I kept telling myself that I should stick with him because he was a good person and the only man that had treated me well,-I was forcing myself to be with someone that didn’t fulfill me and whom I didn’t really love, low self-esteem issues. I finally went into a depression and three months later he broke up with me, which was painful but relieving at the same time, because that started the way to my recovery and being myself again (I started going to therapy soon afterwards).
    It looks like your boyfriend doesn’t realise the extent of this actions or that he doesn’t think before acting. I suppose you have already talked to him, haven’t you? I think it would be advisable lo let him know that some of his actions are not ok and that it hurts you when he behaves like that. I think that if he really cares about you he should try to be more careful.
    JMO
    A big hug

    #112125
    Eliza
    Participant

    @anita As a matter of fact I started suffering from mild depression from the beginning of this year but just two weeks before my brother’s death I was discharged by my therapist because I was no longer feeling bad. The curious thing is that now some of my friends are asking me if I’m going back to therapy, and my answer is “Before this, I went to therapy because I wasn’t feeling well and I didn’t know why. But now I know the reason of my pain.”

    @surajmukhi
    Thanks for your support. Those are the words that most people who have gone through something similar tell me: we just have to take it day by day…

    #112051
    Eliza
    Participant

    Hi Anita

    Thanks for your words. My brother was 29 years old, healthy, outgoing, he played soccer, always smiling, people loved him. And my mom found him dead in his bed. We still don’t know the results of the autopsy and it’s going to take long, which is extending my agony. I don’t know if knowing the cause of his death is going to help but we’re still too shocked to assimilate what’s happened. I really hope it was sudden death and he didn’t suffer 🙁
    As for my coworker, he started singing again (this time it was “I’m so excited”, can you believe it?) some minutes ago and I just gave him this look, because I knew that if I opened my mouth I would start crying and I didn’t want that. I guess he took the hint because he shut up immediately. I know he’s not a bad person, he even lost his mum in circumstances similar to my brother’s but I guess he doesn’t realise he’s being disrespectful.

    #112041
    Eliza
    Participant

    Hi Inky. In fact I live in Spain where, up to a couple decades ago, it’s was the norm wearing black when mourning, but we dedided no to do so with my brother, as he as a young person and besides that he wouldn’t have liked that (in fact everyone dressed in white in his funeral). I guess people just don’t know how to behave in these moments, unluckily our society doesn’t teach us about facing death.
    Thanks for you answer.

    #112037
    Eliza
    Participant

    Hi mariajohanna
    Have you tried joining a grief support group? I’ve registered in one, but I only have my next appointment in September. What I think you need is to be able to talk to people that can relate to you, that can feel what you feel. I lost my brother two weeks ago and I’m also feeling people whom I considered friends retracting slowly, like they don’t know how to deal with my grieving so they’d rather be apart. And when I am with them I just don’t feel good anymore. It’s like my sadness and my silence makes them uncomfortable and they just try to be normal like nothing’s happened, but sometimes you just need to talk about it and to receive some support. Isn’t it just sad that when you lose a loved one you also end up losing friends?
    Try to be around the people you know you can talk about and won’t be uncomfortable.
    I hope it gets better for you.
    Big hug

    #111843
    Eliza
    Participant

    I totally agree. Life has taught that even the most unpleasant people deserve a chance. Everyone’s battling their own demons.
    Regards

    #111828
    Eliza
    Participant

    I think that a similar thing happened to me.
    I was with someone but I wasn’t happy because I really didn’t love him. I was forcing myself to settle just because I was so eager to be with someone and because he was totally different from the other men I’ve liked and had made me suffer. He was kind, gentle, etc., but I suspect he was in the same situation as me, that he didn’t really love me too, but was feeling lonely, as he soon started to pressure me into spending more time together and making plans about moving in together when we hadn’t even been dating for 3 months. I soon fell into a depression and deep down I knew I had to end it to heal myself and move on, but I was too scared of loneliness as well. Fortunately he sat me down to talk one day and that was it, we split up. I cried a lot, I felt really really sad for days after that but I knew it was the right thing to do. Then I started seeing a therapist to work through my self esteem issues and I eventually felt better. I actually regret I hadn’t gathered the courage myself to finish the relationship sooner.

    What I want to say, your BF might be in the same situation as I or my ex was.
    It’s going to be painful, I know, but if you love him, set him free, it’s obvious that he’s suffering. You are suffering too, and you don’t deserve that -on one does, actually. If he’s the one for you, you’ll eventually end up together, but if he’s not you’ll move on and grow as a person.
    Have you tried going to therapy? Sometimes our demons are in our own heads without us realising. I really hope your problems dissapear soon and you are happy again. BTW, sorry for my English, it’s not my mother tongue, but I hope I’ve explained myself well. Big hug.

Viewing 9 posts - 1 through 9 (of 9 total)