Hello

I have another update. It gets bad before better. I called him after two days silence. (Tue night) I made it worse because I tried to plead for him to help me understand since it didn’t make sense. In the end I asked him haven’t you noticed the progress I made? He said yes. Then I asked him do you still love me. And he said yes. Well I was so angry I just said thank you and hung up. As if to say I proved my point bye. And then I felt like an ass for that. And I started to see and realize a bit what he says about me that’s wrong. And then tonight I decided what I needed to do. I wrote him a thank you letter. As I wrote it I realized all the things he has done for me and how ungrateful and selfish I must have been. I concentrated on the thank you, and apologizing for the wrong that I did and caused. I didn’t say anything about what he did wrong or expecting him to do the same in return. I didn’t criticize or blame him at all. In an effort to truly heal myself and be able to move forward is why I did this. It was the right thing to do. And it opened my eyes a lot. I know now that no matter what I change about myself, it isn’t likely he will follow suit. And that we can still love each other and not be together. That was the hardest part for me to accept. Going forward I have an even better understanding of what I need to accomplish for self improvement and growth. And I know (always have) that after I am healed and a better person, that he won’t be relevant to my life anymore. I will outgrow him. I have a business I am trying to grow and I need to focus on that and accomplish my goals for me. I never understood how that worked. You know like in the movies when couples split up cuz their like my path is different and goals are different. To me it was always illogical. Like you love each other why can’t you get a job in the town she does or whatever the example is. But until it happens to you it isn’t that simple. I feel better. A wieght lifted. Now I only hope I can go forward and be strong.

• This reply was modified 7 years, 3 months ago by janet.

Thanks for everyone’s views and replies. What I need now is to know how to cope everyday. Today has been such a struggle. I have to start my recovery essentially all over because he led me on. I keep repeating to myself to remember the facts. Those things he did which were mean, and that I won’t ever change that and that I left him for a reason. But still it’s hard. I feel like I’m a really sane person with a side of insanity. I know I’m smart, I know I deserve better, I know I should move on. I can’t even fathom any relationship right now even just a social one. I am at a point I never thought I’d be which is full of anxiety and fear. I was always so outgoing and full of life. Believed in people and had an open heart. To my own demise in a way. I’m trying not to let this ruin my view of love and compassion. But I’m really on the cusp of not giving a shit to be blunt. To just stay alone and not care for ppl in general almost. truthfully, people have approached me lately at random you know ppl will just strike up convo with u in a store about something and I shy away, I feel timid and sometimes it takes everything I have in my body not to break down in tears and loose it. I’ve NEVER been like this. I apologize if I am rambling or abusing the board or idk but I don’t have any friends at all. Another thing he helped make a reality. I have not a soul to talk to. So thank you very much all for listening and I really appreciate it.

Thanks Anita

Yes I guess at times I’m difficult. I expect a lot but especially I hold people to their word. He didn’t come through on many things and he is also very difficult. And yes easily triggered. I don’t know what the payoff will be. when we are not angry we get along so good. But he can literally in a second make me feel so small and I suppose if I didn’t take it as anything personal I would fare better, but at the core how can u treat someone you love that way? I’ve been thinking a lot and I just think I have to let go. I know in time it will get easier. I just have to find a support group because it’s hard alone.

Thank you both for the replies. I think maybe I might have wrote the part about the kids a little confusing so Im going to clarify. I have 4 kids but they are all grown. What I was referring to was yes I know its hard being in a relationship where one person has kids and the other doesn’t but I only know that from a mother perspective. I was married 2 times. my first 2 kids are out of the home. my second two from my second marriage, one is 19 the other 17. They all live apart from me. But I have an amazing relationship with them all and nothing ever gets between me and them. Now with my ex (the one in reference) he has two other kids from his first marriage, one is 19 the other 12. He never sees them and rarely talks to them. I dont wanna elaborate there but basically he has an I give up attitude. He claims its his ex wifes fault they are sort of estranged. But he just doesnt try. much like our relationship he makes excuses. Idk maybe its a man thing. I know as a mother I will die for my kids and no one better try to stand between us! No if that was the case at all I wouldn’t be with a man like that. So now in his case his 8 year old sons mother lives in another state and she was a huge thorn since day one. She turned out to be an alcoholic and finally she is getting her life together and she is causing far less drama but in the beginning it was a nightmare. I believe in co-parenting but both him and her are quite honestly crappy parents. I would try to help him and offer advice and he never wanted to hear it. But then say the teacher at school would say the same thing I did and all of a sudden hes like thats a great idea. So thats also a dilemma because I feel so sad for his son. The fact that he doesnt want to move in together is one thing if its just him and I but he thinks its ok for his son to live in a shop with no where to play or have his own room for toys and just a feeling of home and being safe and secure. Especially after his mother drug him through the mud and they were basically homeless before we got him back. His son has social issues and outbursts at school and had to be moved to a special program. Idk to me nothing is more important that a safe home for your child and he doesnt disagree but at the same time he is making excuses why we cant afford an apartment. I think he has a lot of insecurities and walls up. I think hes afraid of taking on all that responsibility. But hes halfway there as it is. Hes afraid of failure. Hes trying to buy a business and he uses that as his “excuse”. All his money is going toward that for our “future” which is commendable and makes sense but in the interim? The three of us cant live that way for 3 more years. And again I work and can and have paid half or more than half the expenses so its crazy.

Many times he has said we need to just be apart and focus on our individual goals and then maybe fate will bring us back together someday. Well, ok yes and no. Maybe I let him raise his son and buy the shop and then in 10 yrs see where we are in life. But that also seems like lunacy. Life is now not 10 years from now. I cant carry around a maybe for 10 years. I want to be with someone. I don’t want to be alone. Its feasible now, he just has to rearrange his thinking. But sometimes yes I believe maybe its just better this way. I have always been more needy and unable to be alone and I am learning slowly to be ok with being alone. Among other things. I am going out and doing things for myself and trying to move forward because I cant wait for a someday. I am trying not to contact him and let the ball be in his court.