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Jack Frost

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  • #128245
    Jack Frost
    Participant

    Yes, being safe. I often use that as a mantra when I am in “high anxiety” state. Almost never though do I know of any trigger that starts an anxiety episode, they “come out of nowhere”. Depression episodes are uncommon, though I think that is down to being on an effective anti-depressant (effective long term anti-anxiety pills being non-existant. I usually hit some valium (prescribed), but try to minimise doing this as tolerance is reached very quickly).

    But of course, I don’t want to live my life run on pills. I want to OVERCOME my PTSD. So I arrive back at my initial question – as I have to do self-therapy – where to start? From a safe anchor point I can return to, and delving into (writing about) the whole breakup scenario? Trying to investigate the childhood and breakup links?

    I’ve suffered a long time now, 11 years and at times suicidal, or hideous anxiety where I might have to take .. um.. up to 80mg.. to anesthetize the panic, and as I told the shrink last tuesday, I’m tired now, I’ve had enough, fed up with pills… and I am seeing me drift to another very bad (dangerous) depression state unless I take action. I’m ready to take action, I just don’t know a good action to take… Inaction is killing me right now.

    #128191
    Jack Frost
    Participant

    Forgetting the neurology of it for now (Classic neurology/learning much of which is now debatable, though the practical application of the theory still works). I can see what you are saying, that my breakup found the “nearest past example” of something similar and tagged on to that, thus the new experience became “horrific” rather than just painful, which would imply that, as painful and horrible as my breakup was, in reality it was just that. Painful and horrible. If it was alone, then my mind would not be re-traumatised and would have processed the situation rather than avoided as much as possible (e.g. the drinking) having any thinking going on. So now, I might not get triggered by the events of 58 years ago as a small child as it’s been therapied to death and then some, but thoughts of my breakup still lead to firing of that ancient (and multi-entrant) neural pathway. I have transferred the “ownership” of it to the breakup; when nothing in the breakup would have caused that degree of traumatization. Thus my c-PTSD is now a new kind of PTSD; after all I have never heard of anyone developing PTSD from a divorce. This is what the psychiatrist meant when he said childhood had primed me for creating a vastly overdeveloped horror of the breakup. Hmm, this all makes sense. I wonder what the new “knowledge is power” can now perhaps but breakup events in correct context and process and deal with them without “traumatising” myself. I shall let that mull in the sub-conscious realms for a while….

    #128091
    Jack Frost
    Participant

    I can only assume I have some very (very) young childhood memories as my older sister is at home, i.e. not at school, so that places my memories at 2yo at the latest. The first is a very frequent one where my mother threatens to leave, goes upstairs to pack a suitcase (banging around upstairs) then the suitcase being dumped by the front door with another threat “my case is packed now, if you two don’t behave (we were not misbehaving, this is some problem my mother has) I am going now”. I remember this being totally horrific, and I would feel sick, that she might leave. That’s all, just the horror and sick (as in I’m about to throw up) feelings. Then one day she did (my sister is not there now so she must have started school), I remember the absolute horror, her locking me in the house, and me banging on the front window screaming and crying, as I watched her drive off in the car. I was only aware of horror and total fear. Funny, I can still look back and remember the feelings, but emotionally they do nothing to me now. Her doing this was maybe just twice as I have no memories of her doing this when I am older, say 4 or 5.

    In my teenage years this caused huge problems with dating, I was always literally paranoid that my girlfriend would dump me, as they all did eventually anyway… apart from the last one, where that fear is gone and this girl eventually becomes first wife. I never worried at all that my marriage would ever end – as it did in such a horrific way after 23 years. “in my heart” I knew I never needed to fear… If she did never love me (as she said) then she was a very good con artist! That is probably the “main” reason why the shock was so great, then when she turned nasty…. .

    Ah well, at least I can now talk about the surface of it and I’m not getting stressed tonight.

    Thanks,
    Ian.

    #128059
    Jack Frost
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Childhood events: I used the wrong wording – I do not “blame” my childhood or my mother (repeated very young abandonment). I own and am totally responsible for my feelings. I had plenty of validation (e.g. what happened was bad, it’s normal to feel that way, you’re okay) and exercises that re-lived the events, but looking back the work was “easy” as I did not experience much emotion, nor was I suppressing any. I can mentally go back there any time I want and I feel nothing.

    Over the 11 years since I stopped drinking, I have read dozens of books on allsorts, and have become very self-aware and also skilled in areas of self-therapy. Which is why I knew I had to quickly end my last post as part of my head was going back to my marriage breakup. I’ve realised I have deliberately (or sub-consciously) kept my mind away from the breakup. When I tentatively poke a finger now in that morass I start to feel that anxiety that says “stop now or you’ll regret this”. My (new) wife is away for a long weekend and while I cannot do psychoanalysis with her (with the added reason that because it is about a marriage breakup), I can do self-therapy when she is around, as she is a psychoanalyst and knows how to dig me out of a pschodynamic hole I may fall into.

    Where I am at the moment is knowing where to start. In other words, when I am not in any grieving process, how do I get back to some point where I can actually grieve? Can I skip some things as it was 20 years ago? I can quite easily get depressed or fearful, but do I need to “make myself depressed” to process? As I said, I do suffer PTSD and am on some medications which vastly help, but I want to get off the meds and recover properly (so I can get a job!). As Sylvia pointed out there are therapeutic methods which “may” help (I’ve studied them) but that kind of therapy I am sure would never be available via the UKs NHS, and as I am on benefits cannot afford such help myself, so I have to do my own work.

    Ian.

    #127989
    Jack Frost
    Participant

    Hi Anita, it is very complex, my psychiatrist says I was “primed” by my childhood, and when the breakup happened it then had a far greater impact, leading to trauma and PTSD. What she did was also horrible and so totally unexpected – she cheated on me, then told me she has never loved me, it was a game she had played for 23 years because I has a good job, she lied to the children about things I never did, she got a restraining order by lying to the police saying I was violent… this went on for about 6 months until I left her (for my own sanity) and then I had a massive breakdown and started to drink all day every day. The drinking delayed any mental problems for 9 years during which time in rehab they questioned me about my childhood and said that was where all my problems came from.

    Do I have to mentally re-live all the breakup events, processing each one… this doesn’t sound very safe to me; but I must do something so I can heal and not suffer such depression and anxiety again. My hands are shaking badly now having just wrote this and I have a bad headache starting.

    Thanks for listening,

    Ian.

Viewing 5 posts - 1 through 5 (of 5 total)