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Kyniska

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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 21 total)
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  • #76725
    Kyniska
    Participant

    Sorry! I went out of town for a week, just saw your reply.

    Working with him is a very difficult position to be in and I wish I had better answers. My advice would be to manage it like you would manage an illness: figure out when and in what context you’re going to have to interact with him and prepare yourself. Are you going to be giving him performance reviews? Observing his class? Figure out when and where you’ll have to be around him and steel yourself as best you can. My context behind this advice: my ex is still friends with my close friends. Whenever I had to see him at parties, I had to prepare myself. I imagined seeing him and how I would react, figuring out ways to be neutral, limiting our conversation to the extremely superficial. It did not always go according to plan by any means, and it’s totally unfair that your emotional life is bound up in your job in this way, but you can manage it, either by winging it, prepping for it, or finding another job. You got this.

    I wouldn’t worry about being unable to share the information. If you can’t, you can’t. I find most people have a breaking point. If it has to come out, it will, in one way or the other. The only reason I suggested telling him yourself is because it feels so much better when you have control over how he finds out. You may find he already knows and uncomfortable events are very rarely as bad as the anticipation of them.

    And one more unsolicited thing that you might already be doing: definitely focus on other areas of your life. I don’t know about you, but when I’m in the midst of an emotional hurricane, the good things in my life seems to diminish and I spend less time there and more time wallowing. I don’t know if you’re this type of person, and I really don’t want you to think that this is something I “picked up on” from your writing. I didn’t. It just happens to me and I wanted to mention it, just in case. Spend as much time as you can on things that are not even remotely about him or your job. If you need to and if you can. It helps.

    Best wishes, Missyrap. I don’t know much, but I know stuff comes to an end and new stuff starts. Look to the horizon, and when the storm passes, make you sure you go for a nice dip in the water.

    #76425
    Kyniska
    Participant

    Hi, Missyrap. I write long posts too. I kept reading even though I have very little experience with healthy relationships. But I have LOTS of experience with bad, flaky ones, and I know what I’m about to tell you will bounce right off, but I’m going to say it anyway.

    Get him out of your life. Based on what you wrote, he is not ready for you, or anyone. He’s dating around and coming onto his best friend, dumping her for an ex (someone he already knows isn’t right for him), inviting you out and then ignoring you. Even if he does have feelings for you there’s no excuse for that kind of behavior. None. I can tell you my war stories, but right now, I just want so badly for you to walk away because I never did and it would have done me a world of good if I had. You already seem to know how painful it is to be taken for granted, how much you give him and how little you get in return. It isn’t supposed to be that way, even if you connect, even if he’s your “life line.” If you continue making space for him when he doesn’t reciprocate, it will just hurt and keep hurting. By all means, tell him how you feel, if he doesn’t already know. But after that, don’t accept less than you deserve from him.

    You deserve his kindness and attention. You deserve to not have to play games, go on revenge dates, or “try not to seem clingy.” If you really think you have codependency problems, talk to a specialist. But don’t censor or shrink who you really are, because even if your tactics somehow worked, you would not be able to sustain them and the truth would come out.

    You know you need to get over him, but I promise the only way to do that properly is to tell him what you want and then cut him off unless he decides he wants to give it to you. Not in a mean or demanding way: just say whatever’s on your heart and if he can’t give that back, then part ways. Stop rooming with his best friend. I know it can be bad without friends who really get you and if you can keep any friends from that group, then please do. But I think you have to make a choice between having those specific friends and having your heart broken repeatedly or trying to find new ones and only breaking it the once. And the truth? Either one is fine. See it through to the end, if that’s what you want to do. It doesn’t make you a bad or weak person if you can’t let go. But I really, really wish I hadn’t spent time with people, people I really liked or even loved, but who weren’t ever going to treat me the way I deserved.

    #76073
    Kyniska
    Participant

    It’s hard to comment on this, because every relationship is different, but if you have a bad feeling, my advice is to trust it. You can devote more time to changing your behavior, try to catch yourself before you tell him what to do and offer support instead. He’s dealing with a lot and it’s probably very hard for him. But if he’s not mature enough for you to feel comfortable with the relationship, then maybe now is just not the right time. That was a hard lesson learned for me, to realize that just because you love someone doesn’t mean the relationship will work out. Wanting him to be a different person is going to be very frustrating for you, because you can only help so much and people don’t change overnight. Not that he shouldn’t work on his flaws, because blaming other people and things for his problems is not going to help him. My ex had similar complaints about me, that I wasn’t mature enough and too dependent on him. Even though I’m still working through that loss, I learned a lot of things that I would have continued to be oblivious about if he hadn’t ended it. In fact, now that it’s over, I wish I had had the courage to end it first.

    This is just my opinion based on my experience. He is hurting and maybe staying with him is a better choice for you both, a chance to support him while he improves and giving him support while he grows. But you should do whatever feels right to you. Good luck to you, you will figure it out.

    #74825
    Kyniska
    Participant

    I don’t think you’re holding yourself back from your recovery process. I think this is just a part of your recovery process. I’ve been on both ends of an emotionally abusive relationship and went through similar feelings, stuck on the fact that I was unfairly treated and didn’t realize until too late, or that I unintentionally hurt someone I loved and couldn’t take it back, couldn’t change what I did, no matter how much I thought about it and hated myself over it. I still get stuck on things, things much less important than that, but sometimes you just have to digest, especially if it just happened. You’re already going in the right direction, toward acceptance, away from letting the past control you, so I have no doubt that you’ll work through your blocks in due time. My thoughts for you on coming to terms are to realize that even if you got a better apology, it wouldn’t change what happened. Think about what this person could possibly say to validate how they treated you. Is there anything they could say, and if so, is there any chance they would actually say it? If the answer is no, then it’s no. When you catch yourself harping on it, just remind yourself of what you already know: that it happened, that it wasn’t your fault, that you will eventually accept it and it will pass.

    #74708
    Kyniska
    Participant

    I’m glad that helped. That explanation makes perfect sense and I’m sorry your past was so difficult. I think the psychology of eBay also contributes, because you WIN something. But most of the time, I agree, having something is rarely as good as getting it. 🙂

    #74706
    Kyniska
    Participant

    I once cried for hours because one of the belt loops on my jeans broke. In that case, it was my way of venting negative emotions from the overwhelming challenges I was having at the time that I couldn’t express. I am still like that sometimes, where I hold it together over the hardest things, but something tiny just pushes me over the edge and I can’t let it go for hours, sometimes days.

    I’m not sure what yours could be, maybe a traumatic memory of accidentally losing something or someone valuable to you? Anyway, if it’s happened before, it will pass. I usually just wait mine out like little agony storms, but if it affects your life too much, or is accompanied by other distressing signals, maybe see a therapist. Good luck!

    #74378
    Kyniska
    Participant

    Usually, when something is going on with me, I just try to hang on. My mind will spin out wild ideas, pumping me full of stress chemicals until I’m in full flight mode with nowhere to run. If I have there wherewithal to do so, I talk myself down because I’m big into treating the cause (if I can get to it), not the symptoms. But if I’m just too irrational (to the point of not realizing I’m irrational), I just try to grit my teeth and bear with it. I distract myself by reading or cooking. I repeat to myself “this will pass” and “there are many good things in my life that are more important than this,” even if I don’t particularly believe that at the time, I keep saying it. I cling to my spiritual practice like a life raft. I read articles on Tiny Buddha or Zen Habits. Basically do whatever I can to weather the storm.

    I’m in one right now and it isn’t pretty, but I’m doing all of the above and I’m still going.

    #74261
    Kyniska
    Participant

    Hi, Soulstar,

    I don’t want to try to give advice about a situation I’ve never been in, but I do want to send some support and love your way. I don’t know your family that well, so I’m not sure if what I would do would be helpful in your situation. In my family, avoiding discussions (ANY discussions, including some that SHOULD be avoided) is not really our thing, but blunt confrontation doesn’t work for everyone. You could write them a letter, or speak them individually. You have very clear feelings and needs, and the evidence for your concerns is obvious.

    However you decide to handle it, (I hope someone with more experience than me can offer you better advice,) you definitely deserve to have a family that respects and appreciates you and I hope they come to their senses. And even though their behavior is their responsibility and doesn’t reflect on you, that doesn’t make it less hurtful, so please take care of yourself as well.

    All the best to you.

    #74259
    Kyniska
    Participant

    Thanks, Bronte! Made me smile this morning.

    #74258
    Kyniska
    Participant

    Thanks for the help, Matthew. Except for the counselor, I’ve done or am doing most of the stuff you suggested: Mindfulness, exercise, and diet, which is like the non-medication bipolar treatment trifecta. I still appreciate hearing it, because it makes me feel better, like I am taking care of myself as well as I am able.

    I know what you mean about bothered about your ex’s opinion. Towards the end of my relationship, I did a lot of things I was ashamed of and I couldn’t bear the thought of that being my ex’s last memory of me when we broke up. I still can’t articulate why I didn’t want him to have a negative opinion of me, but I can’t articulate why I don’t want my mom or my friends to think badly of me either. That’s just how it is. It got to the point where I would have anxiety attacks (sometimes full-blown panic attacks) if I thought I was going to see him. I avoided him for over a year (he doesn’t live near me, but his close friends are my close friends), I was so terrified of how he was going to look at me. Even now, things have improved greatly, but it still gets on my nerves.

    Best of luck to you too. Your reply made me feel less alone in this, often times I get down on myself for not “having it all figured out” yet. Not just dating, but living in general. I forget how common these experiences can be.

    #74181
    Kyniska
    Participant

    Thanks everyone for you help. I have been seeking counseling, it’s hard for me to find someone I feel comfortable with, but I’m going to keep trying.

    Rock Banana, you advice was very enlightening and much appreciated. Thank you.

    #72828
    Kyniska
    Participant

    Thanks for these wonderful responses, everyone. I second watching that Brene Brown talk, it is wonderful if you’re feeling scared and uncertain or even if you’re not.

    #71425
    Kyniska
    Participant

    Thank you both for your replies. They were both really helpful and contained some lessons that I had worked out earlier in my life but forgotten about. To stop being self-pitying, to put the past where it belongs, and to actually live my life. I am kind of obsessed with getting everything “right,” and getting it right fast. I’m still not sure what believing in myself is supposed to look like, but maybe that’s not as important as picking myself up, learning from the experience, and moving on.

    #71424
    Kyniska
    Participant

    Thank you both for your replies. They were both really helpful and contained some lessons that I had worked out earlier in my life but forgotten about. To stop being self-pitying, to put the past where it belongs, and to actually live my life. I am kind of obsessed with getting everything “right,” and getting it right fast. I’m still not sure what believing in myself is supposed to look like, but maybe that’s not as important as picking myself up, learning from the experience, and moving on.

    #71393
    Kyniska
    Participant

    “I have always been against medication – for personal fears that it will change me and professionally they can affect my work.”

    That’s fine, I was against medication for the same reasons and it does take some work to find a balance that suits you. I won’t tell you to get on it if it’s not for you, but I want to add that I would have had a much harder time without meds. My brain was the problem, so trying to get better using my brain was something of an exercise in futility. I really feel more like myself when I’m on them, but that’s just my experience and I have type II bipolar disorder, so I have no idea if they would work for you or not.

    “I am still so fearful of being hurt, betrayed, the subject of an unspoken joke.”

    This really resonated with me, as one of the reasons I was so guarded is I felt like people really disliked me behind my back, thought I was laughable or pathetic, even good my friends. I’m still coming to grips with the fact that nobody really thinks about another person’s problems enough to form such a strong opinion of them, they’re usually too busy with their own. Like I said, it is a work in progress. I hope yours goes well, and it’s good that you know what it feels like to trust fully, even if you can’t stay in the space all the time.

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 21 total)