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August 17, 2017 at 7:26 am #164360
LucyParticipantHi Michael,
Thanks for sharing your story!
Well, you definitely aren’t the only one who feels these levels of anxiety in a relationship! I have experienced that anxiety in a relationship, especially regarding the sexual history of my current and previous boyfriends.
First of all, consider whether you are self-confident now, to the extent where you could be single and happy with who you are without feeling the need to please anybody else. The reason why I ask is that if one is truly content with themselves and confident in who they are in their own skin without needing anybody else to validate them, then we are on the right path to love someone else and be a part of a healthy relationship with heaps of trust in each other.
It sounds like your boyfriend truly cares for you and isn’t afraid to show you that he loves you, you both have a past but the longer that you hold onto these anxious thoughts, the harder your relationship will be to sustain. He might feel like he’s at a loss over what to do as he doesn’t know how to relieve you from the anxiety you feel, but he can only help you to an extent, which is by showing you he truly loves you and by having an honest and communicative relationship.
If he wanted something with somebody else, from his past or not, he wouldn’t be in a relationship with you or be so loving with you. The anxiety you feel could very well be due to the bad endings of your previous relationships and if they have dented your self-confidence to the point where you might not feel like you’re ‘enough’ for someone which is definitely something I used to feel, then you two definitely need some time apart so you can unpack any past or present feelings which you may not have dealt with.
Don’t let past issues affect your present, you’re taking control of the situation which is a very good thing and this relationship definitely sounds like it’s worth fighting for – it’s repairable for sure.
Good luck to you both!
August 17, 2017 at 6:53 am #164354LucyParticipantThank you, Inky and i_like_advice! Your comments were much appreciated 🙂
We have spoken and both want to move past the situation and continue our relationship, which is normally so wonderful and makes us both really happy.
He has now expressed that he wants to gradually remove Heather from his life as a friend, they will always be acquainted as they have many mutual friends back from when they were at university together. I told him that if he wants to take such measures, he can’t be doing so for me, as this may cause resentment later on but he is insisting it is for both of us and that this has been a long time coming, even before him and I were in a relationship.
I have apologised for invading his privacy and understand that I should have communicated with him before snooping. Although he understands why I did so, he is still hurt and claims he doesn’t really trust me with his phone right now but he will get over it – personally I don’t see what I did as a ‘betrayal of his trust’ as I had reason to do so, a reason I had communicated to him several times before I did so and if he went through my phone, I wouldn’t care anywhere near as much as he happens to care.
However, everyone is different and reacts differently to different things, I guess.
I won’t be confronting her, I don’t think I should be in contact with her as she shouldn’t know that she bothered me this much, I feel like she would enjoy that. Therefore, if she is out with the rest of his friends and we bump into her, I will act cordial and conduct myself with dignity as I have finally realised, she is irrelevant.
October 25, 2015 at 2:46 pm #86033LucyParticipantDear Anita and Saiisha,
Thank you both so much for your comments.
I don’t want to have to choose between my family and what I want to do and I guess I don’t have to, I just hope they understand that I’m somewhat different to my sisters and that they accept me for that.
I guess we’ll see where life takes me after some time and I pray for a positive ending – maybe I’ll come out of this a little stronger than when I entered…October 20, 2015 at 2:53 pm #85738LucyParticipantChris,
Your post has stood out to me and as someone who is going through a bit of a tough time right now, I appreciate this.
Self-love is something that should be instilled in us from when we are young and it’s so necessary to achieve it in order to reach true happiness – something I’m working on myself!
October 3, 2015 at 4:32 am #84606LucyParticipantDear Anita,
Yes, that is the one!
Thank you for your advice, this post-breakup feeling is definitely not the same as last time as this time, I am definitely not feeling any sort of loss – only freedom from somebody who is no good for me.
Needless to say, he won’t be hearing from me, I’m ready to close this chapter once and for all.October 1, 2015 at 1:21 am #84495LucyParticipantCorrection: *how my actions proved that I never loved him.
October 1, 2015 at 1:21 am #84494LucyParticipantThank you Anita,
He is definitely a closed chapter in my life and I want absolutely nothing to do with him.
He responded to my WhatsApp yesterday stating that this would be his last message to me, how my actions never proved that I loved him and that he is looking for something different in his life – I haven’t replied nor will I ever.
Another break-up via ‘texting’ – some things will never change.April 16, 2015 at 2:37 am #75400LucyParticipantHi Mamie,
Thank you for your response!!
UPDATE: He went on a date yesterday with a girl – he kept telling me he didn’t want to go and that she initiated it – so when I asked him how it went today, he said that he doesn’t trust her but he will go on a second date with her – he hasn’t been on a second date with a girl in about two years.
Now I’m even more confused!
April 15, 2015 at 10:35 am #75361LucyParticipantHi Inky,
Thank you for your response!
I did wonder whether he was just saving face although the ‘little sister’ comment threw me off because if I see a guy as a ‘brother’ figure then I most definitely do not like him but I see your point.
We’ll see what happens, I’m enjoying it for the time being!
January 24, 2015 at 5:56 pm #71878LucyParticipantThank you SO much to ALL who posted on here!!!
Each and every message was so kind and supportive and I almost teared up because I was overwhelmed by these wonderful messages, thank you!
I would normally have left my things, however, one of them was a book he borrowed from my university library and if you have library fines by the end of the academic year, you can’t graduate so I needed that as I intend to graduate this year! And the other thing was my old iPhone 5 which I lent him when his one broke. I now intend to sell it!I feel a lot more positive about everything today, largely due to these supportive posts. I believe everything happens for a reason and perhaps yesterday’s altercation was meant to happen to show me who he really is and that I am much better off. I’m going to take some time and appreciate myself more.
Again, thank you to those who posted, you brightened up my day! God bless.
January 17, 2015 at 7:45 am #71474LucyParticipantThanks for your reply d-e-hardesty!
I don’t regret letting him go and truthfully I don’t feel like I ever will given his immaturity and the way the situation has been handled. However, the reason why I wondered if he would ever regret letting me go was because I feel like I went above and beyond for him and it is quite rare to find someone who would do that for you.
At the moment, I am concentrating on moving forward with my life and accepting that the relationship ran its course and the more I look at some details of the relationship, the more I realise that it was for the best.
January 14, 2015 at 7:14 am #71301LucyParticipantA little update on the situation:
In the original post I stated that I am friends with his sister who backed my corner on a lot of what went wrong pre and post break up. I understand that he’s still her brother but she stated that she still wanted to maintain a friendship with me despite what had happened and we’ve kept in contact since.
Since he has some important items of mine, I was counting on his sister to return them to me, which she said she would. However, I can now see she has blocked me on WhatsApp despite us only having spoken on there on Friday (talking about how we should meet up soon!). I have text her since asking how she is and the message delivered but I have not received a reply.
There was no animosity between us and I can’t understand why she would just block me out of the blue, especially when my items are yet to be returned. I would have expected at least a text explaining why? Not just a random block and no contact, as I suspect her brother has asked her to maintain no contact with me…but what about my things?
What do you suggest I do?January 13, 2015 at 10:01 am #71224LucyParticipantThank you for your replies Christopher and Sarah!
Christopher – you’re absolutely right, it shouldn’t matter whether he’ll end up regretting it as I should be focusing on myself right now rather than thinking about things that don’t matter nor will speed up the healing process. Since you’re going through a similar thing, I hope you’re doing ok!
Sarah – I agree that if he was to ever realise it would be a long time away from now! And that I should be focusing on myself right now which I am and I am feeling better! 🙂
January 10, 2015 at 2:32 pm #70983LucyParticipantThank you for your reply Inky!
Perhaps so, sounds about right. Although I also believe that now he’s had me, his egotistical mind will think he can get anybody he wants.
I’ll keep working on myself in the meantime!
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