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Mefisto

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Viewing 8 posts - 1 through 8 (of 8 total)
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  • #112872
    Mefisto
    Participant

    Forgot to add that this job also robbed me off My health. I dont have rnough energy to do exercises no more and i feel much worse.

    #69365
    Mefisto
    Participant

    @Ashen said:
    It’s very thoughtful of you to consider your mother in this. If the meds have helped you before, then I say go for it. !

    Thats the point – they didnt help me before. They gave me the short-team illusion of help and in the end they created much more problems that they solved in the first place.
    Also, i want to write about two things.
    At first, i realized that i still can’t forgive myself for allowing the things that happened and this self-defeating attitude that you may see in my thread is some kind of punishment for that. How to forgive yourself?
    And second – why are memories so extremely painful? I know a lot of people experience it during breakup, but not like this. They are literally killing me. There are so many of them: school memories of hanging out with ex-friend, our last telephone conversation, behavior of my ex-gf in details, our last goodbye, when i kissed her and saw her weird smile while i didnt know she already made up her mind to never meet me again. Those times when i left them alone for a few minutes, just to get back and see that they are flirting with each other, while i thought that they just being friendly…those hurtful moments are countless. I feel like i stuck in some crappy cinema, watching this horror over and over again. I don’t want to sit there, but some chaing are holding me. How to break them?

    #69470
    Mefisto
    Participant

    Dude, great post you wrote. Im sure it can be helpful to other people here too, so the good thing is that my thread is not selfish anymore. I’d like to comment few things:

    >I’ve been hurt and betrayed just like you have.
    Can you tell the story?

    >Do what feels right to you.
    The issue is that everything feels wrong for me since that sh1t happened. And i mean everything. All of my actions lost any meaning, its like the fish trying to do something once shes already catched and lying on the beach without possibility to return into water. Stupid metaphor, but it explains this.

    >we need to get past our life stories
    I would like to do that, but it feels like a incredibly heavy weight holding my mind, keeping it obsessed over the past. Its stronger than me.

    >You’re definitely not ready for a relationship, because you’ve got a tonne of work to do.
    Yeah, i thought as much. But it can take many years until i can become wealthy, confident and self-sufficient man who left his huge failures behind, despite the chance that it might never happen at all. While i will struggle for many years, wasting my youth trying to achieve something, other boys my age will have all kinds of relationships. It may sound shallow and creepy, but i feel bad that i wont have sex at the age when sexual activity reaches its peak, while almost all of my coevals will have it. I know its not a competition and nobody cares, but still i feel like a loser.

    >Plus, your ex sounds like a real bitch
    Thats not entirely true. She suddenly became bitch in a few weeks, until that moment she was sweetest girl i ever met. Thats why its so hard to forgive myself for losing her.

    >you saying you’re not capable of attracting girls who are better than your ex is just an opinion you’ve formed.
    This opinion based on experience of last two months, when i went on dates with 3 hard-to-get beautiful girls and all of them rejected me terribly. Im starting to think that im not capable of attracting beautiful girls and relationship with my ex was just unique situation which wont repeat ever again. I don’t have genetic and psychological qualities that such girls will demand for their guy. My ex was somehow deceived by my successful behavior, but she got to know what kind of man i am very fast, and used this knowledge to manipulate me to the bitter end. Just week before she dumped me, i got in debt so i could buy her nice things for her birthday. I guess she already decided to betray me then, but anyway asked for more and more gifts from me and my ex-friend who also decided to betray me, but still continued to hang out with me. Memory of this week is making me wanna die. Worst time of my life.

    >I think you’re doing this based on looks from your wording.
    I’ve done this too, and it’s not helpful.
    Yeah, i know. But i really cant help myself and stop analyzing girls through their looks. Its stupid, but if girl would be less cute and less smart than my ex, i will feel like i lost someone valueable who can’t be replaced.

    >You are only 22 and one day you’ll most likely be married
    Its very unlikely, i didnt believe in marriage even before this situation and now i just can’t understand how people can believe themselves when they are swearing to love one person forever. Its a biggest lie one human being can tell to another. After this experience, i realize that everyone, especially women, can incredibly change in a few moments. Letting woman to get right over half of your property just for being cheated on later and raising some kid that isnt yours? Not really a bright future.

    >don’t feel like you need to rush into another relationship just because your ex did so. It’s a sign of weakness, so don’t envy it.
    Yeah, its really a weakness. But i can’t forgive myself for letting her have so easy slut life. I said earlier that my ex-friend is rich and also naive, she would manipulate him for many things, he can pay for her studies and even pay her rent. She probably wont have to work the next five years, just jumping from one cock to another, while my ex-friend will pay for everything. She really doesn’t deserve any of this luxury.

    >So many people cheat just because they’re cowardly and can’t stand the thought of having nobody.
    So they hurt who they like, as long as they’re okay in the end.
    Its so accurate thing you said there. And the bad things about me – i used to be okay with having nobody, i felt pretty much good living completely alone, but after this betrayal something broke inside me. I started to be dependent on anyone around me, craving for attention and appreciation, going on with any people, who even disgust me, just for sake having somebody. Its stupid, but i cant help myself.

    >You have to allow yourself to FEEL what you’re going through, in order to come through to the other side.
    Im afraid that my therapist is right and i can ruin my health if i wont get on meds. The ultimate hate and anger im feeling everyday is killing my body literally. Its possible that after another year of this life i will have very serious health problems.

    >I can only hope that this life has some meaning and that they will pay for their actions later.
    The sad thing i learned about life, that there is no justice whatsoever. Animal abusers, killers, rapists, thief, crooked politicians floating in happiness and luxury, while the good people keep suffering and dying. It has no meaning from my point of view. Thats why i feel like its wrong to bring kids into this sick world.

    >You can’t change what’s already happened to you.
    But you can learn from it.
    The tough lessons i gained from this:
    1. Don’t trust anybody
    2. Don’t get attached to any relationship
    3. Betray people before they would betray you

    Its depressive lessons i must say. But i don’t see others.

    >learned some things from the relationship, about yourself
    I learned that im weak and insecure guy, who can’t predict obvious results of his actions and actions of people around him. Its so hard to forgive yourself after failure as huge as this.

    • This reply was modified 9 years, 3 months ago by Mefisto.
    #69370
    Mefisto
    Participant

    >If the meds have helped you before, then I say go for it.
    Thats the point – they didnt help me before. They gave me the short-team illusion of help and in the end they created much more problems that they solved in the first place.
    Also, i want to write about two things.
    At first, i realized that i still can’t forgive myself for allowing the things that happened and this self-defeating attitude that you may see in my thread is some kind of punishment for that. How to forgive yourself?
    And second – why are memories so extremely painful? I know a lot of people experience it during breakup, but not like this. They are literally killing me. There are so many of them: school memories of hanging out with ex-friend, our last telephone conversation, behavior of my ex-gf in details, her facial expressions and weird shit she said during sex, and then our last goodbye, when i kissed her and saw her weird smile while i didnt know she already made up her mind to never meet me again. Those times when i left them two alone for a few minutes, just to get back and see that they are flirting with each other, while i thought that they just being friendly…those hurtful moments are countless. I feel like i stuck in some crappy cinema, watching this horror over and over again. I don’t want to sit there, but some chaing are holding me. How to break them? When i think that i will have to live all my life with those memories scares the hell out of me. You can’t edit them and you can’t erase them. Its so scary.

    • This reply was modified 9 years, 3 months ago by Mefisto.
    #69301
    Mefisto
    Participant

    Rosey, i admire your position against pills. But i have my mother in picture. I cant hide from her the extent of my suffering. Shed very concerned about my situation after i became home drunk, started crying and saying stupid shit about suicide. She also sees how i lost my ability to sleep and lack of appetite,, its impossible to fake good behavior around her. Anyway, she suffer with me despite my efforts to keep her out of it. And she doesnt deserve it. Recently i caught her in her room, she was crying, holding christian icon and prayed for the cure of her sons depression. So i feel kind of obligated to take pills because without them i can struggle for very long time before result. And mother will suffer with me during this.

    #69297
    Mefisto
    Participant

    Dude, thank you big time. I investigated your youtube blog and i must say im very surprised. You are so extroverted, bright, smart, confident and good looking guy. You life looks great – nice room, extremely cute girlfriend, music passion. You can give rock-concerts and instead you are helping some unknown lost and miserable people like myself. Its really hard to understand why you had depression problems in the first place. I know that you would say that you achived everything by hard work and you had your share of problems, but still, when i watched your videos, i could not shake the feeling like you live in some other world, where people don’t have depression. I think if you would see my life, you would be terrified. Russian poor commieblock, everything is gray, people yelling at each other at the street, im sitting in darkness, in my locked-up room with torn up soviet wallpapers, my clothes are black, my face is pale with circles under my eyes, my eyes are red after hours of drinking and smoking weed, my intoxicated mind goes back and forth between memories of my failure life and suicide thoughts. And at the other side i see your videos, where you are talking about depression and i feel like i am not alone, you know? Its great feeling.
    By the way, few of your thoughts hit me hard because they are so common to me, for example you said about “animal abusers and people who getting away with murder” and this thought i had so much times at the moments when i saw this world as pure hell. I wish i could meet you in real life and talk about stuff, but i live so far away.

    >You’ve said nothing about the rest of your life, but I’m going to guess that you either don’t have a job at the moment, or hate the one you do have. How old are you? I fancy taking a guess … 23?
    You are quick-witted, man. I am 22 and i hate my job. It will be 6 months more of my studies and until then i can’t change my job, because its the only part-time offet i can get in my city.

    Also, i did a stupid mistake, tried to get involved with another girl, when im obviously not ready for it. It made my situation worse because i realized that im not capable of attracting girls that are better than my ex. Now im having hard time to decide – should delete the crush from the social network? One month ago i found her profile and i developed a crush on her her, she is so beautiful and i thought that we had a lot in common. Long story short – we went on date, which i thought was great, and after she declined all my offers to meet again, ignored almost all my messages. I having hard time to decide – should delete her from the social network? Very sooon she probably will put relationship status with some guy and it will hurt me a lot. And she obviously wont ever write me first to ask whats going on in my life, because she doesn’t care. Im always obligated to show initiate and write her first just to be ignored. So, even if she wont put status with some guy, im sure that she will delete me herself because she keeps her friendlist very short, and it will be humiliating and painful for me. So should i delete her to avoid future humiliation and pain?

    #69287
    Mefisto
    Participant

    Guys, i appreciate your support. Today i went to free government therapist and he said that my situation is very bad and i need to get on meds ASAP. I really hate this idea, but he might be right that i wont be able to crawl back from this condition by myself. And i despise those meds, they are the reason of what happened with me. I got off from them with great effort and awful side effects and this suddenly changed my personality. Right after i stopped taking them, i became negative, bitter, sad, insecure and boring person. Also, without those meds i started to have sex-related issues. My ex-gf noticed it and instead of helping me getting through this after-meds-phase, she started comparing me to my ex-friend who obviously was better than me at the moment in every possible way. Im pretty sure that if i did stay on the meds, nothing would have happened, because i would have been much more confident and positive person. Anyway, i really despise the meds and don’t want to get addiction from them once again. And my mother begs me to start taking them, because she can’t look anymore at my suffering. I don’t know what to do. Maybe i really need to fall into addiction once again. And still i don’t trust them and their positive effect is pretty doubtful, yet addiction is very real.

    #69230
    Mefisto
    Participant

    Thank you for the replise. I wish i could say that you advices helped me, but right now im even more depressed than i was at the moment i created the thread. I guess, i can’t help myself and nothing else will save me from this deadly misery.

    >Get busy
    I have work and studies everyday and it still doesnt distract me. No matter what i do and with whom i talk – there is always this burden of the memories that spoils everything i do. I started to have serious suicide thoughts once again.

    >take up weightlifting or something similar
    I took a few martial arts and went to gym a couple of times, but then my rage has been replaced with heavy depressive apathy – i don’t have energy for anything, just lying in bed for hours, crying and feeling like sh1t.

    >Make those ****s see that you’re far better than them.
    They wont see anything, they don’t care about me at all. I never will be so rich as my ex-friend and never will be have so easy slut life as my ex-gf. No matter how many efforts i will put to change my life, they always will be better than me.

    >I wish I had better advice, but all I can say is even if you feel like nothing good will ever happen again, please do not hurt or kill yourself.
    I was at the small party this weekend and it turned out to be a proof that nothing good will ever happen again. It was okay experience, we sat and drink alcohol, made jokes, but i understood that i lost my ability to enjoy life. In the end i didn’t have fun at all. What the point of living if you don’t enjoy it for even a little bit? If i would not be afraid of death so much, i would end myself for now.

    >you will come out of this stronger and wiser
    Its very hard to believe it. I never was so weak and vulnerable as i am right now. Grown up male crying almost every day? Not really a sign of strength and wisdom.

    >if you take out the positive things,
    No such things in my situation.

    >Go out and do the things you love
    I don’t love anything. I hate this world in every aspect.

    >People fall in love, SO WILL YOU AGAIN.. <3
    Don't believe in the concept of romantic love anymore.

    >n know that it was not ur mistake
    I introduced them to each other. If its not a mistake i don’t know what it is. Its impossible to forgive yourself after such failure.

Viewing 8 posts - 1 through 8 (of 8 total)