thank you!

I am trying not to give up. Just hard when you seriously have no one.

I agree. I am just overwhelmed with grief.

Do you think we can heal and get better?

I am not giving up. Just feel so broken at the moment

Exactly my point. I am completely alone right now. It’s a scary, scary feeling. I did have those people in my life, but they have since passed away. That’s just life. YouTube vides (various motivational and other types of support videos help), but one thing that’s helping me is the desire is climb out of this hole. I saw this somewhere, “I can, I will, I must”… And that’s the only thing that’s keeping me going right now. I have no one to pat me on the back or tell me that everything is going to be OK. If I don’t work hard on every aspect of my life, then no, things are not going to be OK. I know it sounds silly, but my age is getting me depressed. I am 40 (even though I look muuuuch younger =) and by the time I am done climbing out of this hole I am in, I will be 43 or so. By then it will be too late to have kids. I mean, men can have kids at any age, but I don’t want to be an old dad. If I was 30 right now, I wouldn’t be sweating any of this. I would work so hard right now on everything and would eventually be on top of everything, but at 40, before you know it, you’re 50. That very idea is depressing the living crap of out me. It’s just a number and I don’t care about societal standards or anything, it’s just that I feel like a failure. And that’s the worst thing of all.

I am not worried about the legal stuff. We are adults and respect each other. The difference between US and Russia, when I Google “Divorce Help” here, I get all kinds of legal stuff about getting attorney and everything else that I find below me. It’s so inhumane. When I search the same stuff on a Russian search engine, it all comes back as supportive message boards and advice and not a word about the legal aspect of things. I think these divorce laws, especially no fault state laws, are disgusting. A woman (or a man) can cheat and still get away with taking everything from their former partner. It’s wrong on many levels and I am very glad that I will never be that way and neither will my ex. We don’t live in that universe. My ex said that she doesn’t want anything because we are still very close friends and even if I am forced to pay something, she said she will give me every penny back. We may live in America, but we are not brainwashed by the culture to hate each other and cause each other pain. In fact, her friend told her about getting alimony and taking things that I acquired on my own and my ex ended that friendship. We are always going to be above that.

On the topic of my trust\distrust of women, I agree, I don’t and should trust women (or anyone else) right now. I trust a few people and that’s enough. I will learn to trust people going forward, but they will have to earn my trust. I am a good person, a good friend, I’ll drop everything and be there for someone who is worth it, but I am no longer going to be walked up on by those who think they can use me because of my decency. My grandfather was an orthopedic trauma surgeon who saved lives not because it was his profession, but because it was his life. I am not nearly as talented as he was, but he taught me the value of being a decent person in a society based on greed, lies, manipulations, and other negative factors. Just because there are wolves around, doesn’t mean you should become one to protect yourself. And just because there are sheep around, doesn’t mean you have to take advantage of their ignorance. Be decent, no matter what happens.

And I am not sexist, not that it matters or anyone’s business. I am a feminist and have always supported women’s rights. In fact, USSR was way ahead of US in terms of equality. Women rose right along men, since it was a socialist society, everyone was equal. My beef is not with women or modern Western feminism, my beef is with radical feminist agenda, aka feminazis, who blame men for things in the world, make us sound like we are all just lazy dumb idiots who can’t do anything ( just look at most of the commercials ). They call themselves progressives (or liberals), they are not, they are regressives and are causing great harm to the women’s movement. It’s funny and sad when I hear a woman say, “We want to be equal to men” and in the same breath they might say, “All men are dogs”….. The hypocrisy is laughable

But thank you for your thoughts.

Thank you Anita. I may move, but not right now. I have a great job and there are other things, obligations, that are holding me back. I may just move, but down the road. Right now, I can’t move period. I mean I can’t move. I am frozen, paralyzed, in so much pain that I don’t see how I can survive this and even if I can, I don’t know if I want to. I don’t live for her, I am very independent, but she was special and I simply cannot imagine my life without her. I am about to turn 40 and my life is over. I can’t go on anymore, at least not right now. She and everyone else says that things get better, time heals, and all that good stuff, but that’s not how things work in the real world. In the real world, pain doesn’t always go away. I’ve just started this journey and I don’t know which stage of grief I am currently in, but I simply cannot imagine my life going forward. I have nothing left. Nothing. Please forgive me for sounding so gloom, but I am covered in total darkness. This pain is the only thing I feel =(

Thanks Anita. It’s hard to put it into word, but money and financial stability have always dragged me down. I don’t let anything else get me down, but we live in a society (vs the one where I grew up, in USSR) where if you don’t pay rent, bills, loans, mortgages, etc, you lose the right to be a human being. It’s sad, but very true. I don’t get involved in petty BS and I don’t fight with people, I don’t cause or participate in drama, I don’t need all that in my life, but money makes me want to cry. I do what do because I don’t know how to do anything else and it brings decent income. I want to do more with my life, but it’s very hard when you’re approaching 40 (although I feel muuuuuch younger) and don’t have a stable flow of income and absolutely no emotional support from family. If not for my pooch, I don’t know how I would have survived the last couple of years. I am not depressed, may be a little anxious during the job search. I just envisioned life as more than this rat race. Life should be about art and science and sex and love and family and travel, nor accumulation of debt and things. I am not a hippy or anything, but I don’t belong in this superficial and materialistic culture that’s completely void of a soul.

Just had a few interviews (on the phone) and I am completely drained. It’s such a demeaning experience. Sucks my soul right out of me and leaves me empty and drained.

I chose not to accept the job. It’s just going to hold me back for another year or two and I don’t have that kind of time. There are amazing things about this job, like the hours and having a great boss, but this is the stuff I’ve been doing for a very long time and I am in fact good at it, but I can’t stay in this comfort zone any longer. I can probably find another job like the one I declined, but closer to where I live. So if I can’t find a job that I want in the next month, I’ll find something like the one I declined. Even thought it’s a bit scary and I might not find exactly what I wish I could find, I think it’s important for me to keep searching for a better fit in terms of my growth and future. I simply cannot do what I did in the past. It’s time to do something more, even if it’s scares me. There will never be a perfect job, but there are things that matter more than others. While spending more time with my dog is a top priority, I can’t make it the number one priority. Number one priority now is to grow, to challenge my self and to move ahead. I have no other choice really. It’s time to do something before it’s too late. We never know what to expect, but I can’t be OK with just settling for what’s easy. Easy will not get me anywhere. I am not thinking about today, I am thinking about tomorrow. I appreciate the advice, but I think it’s time to grow the f up….

I appreciate everything that everyone tells me, here, in person, everywhere. But reality is setting in. I feel stuck. I am not complaining. I know some people have it much worse. I am just feeling trapped in my situation as if it will never pass. I know it will, but I’ve been in it so long that I don’t feel anything positive. At all