Dear Anita,
I forgot to tell you one thing since you mentioned even A is unhappy. Yes she is unhappy but she is not ready for divorce from her side. She says she is ready to compromise. It is all upto me. I have to decide for divorce and let her know. Mayb even she fears the consequences.

Prasenjeet

And thinking of compromise i dont know how far in life will this work.. And it should not be too late to take a decision..and then at an old age nothing would be possible.

Dear Anita,

About the consequences you must be aware that a girls family can file a case against the guy, charge him false cases of dowry..there have been cases in my relatives. And i am just not thinking about my family. A will also get affected..the effects of a divorce on a girls life is very bad.

So my parents wants me to spend time and from there side they never remove this topic of separation. And i dont think they will realize my problem. I am also ready to spend time but in my heart this is not the girl i ever expected to be with and hence i have become very sure. But i will spend some time till i give up.
I am trying to give all the answers.

Prasenjeet

Dear Anita,

Frankly speaking as I told you I didnt have much time to spend with A or what I have learned you dont get much time in arranged marriage. This was my experience during the process of search for a girl. And I have seen my friends getting married in much less time than i had. So somewhere i had to agree to this. Before A the girl(for arranged marriage) i met was ready to get married in 1 month time. I was surprised with this. And my parents were also all ready. But at the end she denied for marriage accepting she was confused. i was saved this time but then with A again they didnt give me much time and at the end i had to seeing the complexity increasing between me and N and anyways I wudnt get time from my parents. Yes i agree I could have gone against my parents, but at that time i was under lot of stress and decided to continue as you know even N was not ready.

Reagrding A, i found her a nice and honest girl. Nothing wrong with her nature. But there are some serious faults in her which i would not like to discuss on a public forum, and these qualities which i didnt find in A now, are basic qualities which an educated guy would expect from a girl which has seriously disappointed me. She lacks basic requirements which i took for granted assuming every educated girl should have.
And yes N could be a reason I dislike A because N was totally like me. And i remember my past and how happy could i been with N(thats natural i guess, regretting on your past)

I can give you as much information you want. At the end you are trying to help me. Thanks
Prasenjeet

Dear Anita,

I am from a middle class family and very family oriented. I care about my parents a lot and cant imagine of giving them trouble in any way. I have compromised a lot in my life. I didnt study after graduation, accepted and continued a job in which i was not happy just to avoid any trouble to my family from my side. Thinking of all this i never thought of being with any girl during my college life or till the time i got settled in my job. Finally i decided to get married in 2010 and from then my family started looking for a girl. I got married this year Jan. So it was not easy finding a girl. I came across girls who lied cheated and were not true about them which made me lose hope till a point. On the other hand I was always totally open.

I will call the girl i love as N and the girl i married as A.
I met N in 2012 through facebook and I moved out of india in jan 2013. I used to chat with N almost whole and came close to her. She is divorced. I started feeling for her and was very comfortable with her. But she considered me just a friend. So before proposing her I asked my parents if i can marry her. They didnt agree with me, and even she didnt love me, so i removed the thought of marrying her and decided to be with her just as a friend so that I dont lose her in any way. I knew love would spoil everything. So i decided to go for arranged marriage. And also N had a guy in her life from her college time who was waiting for her to marry her after her divorce and even N had already accepted him.

N also got a job in the same country as I was in and we came very close and she fell in love with me in a very short time. But she was very scared of rejecting the guy who was waiting for her. I asked many times if she wants to marry me, but she said its not possible as she cannot answer the guy. So I kept searching for girl just to avoid getting off the track and also to increase complexity and difficulty in N’s life. I was myself very scared about this guy, imagining his situation once N rejects him.

I found a girl in Sept2014 through matrimonial site and my parents decided my wedding in Jan2015. I asked my parents to give me time, but they didnt and i couldnt oppose them, i never was so strong to oppose them. And also N is a very different kind of girl, she is not a typical marriage material girl. She grew in a totally different culture than mine. Although we were very comfortable i was not sure if she could adjust with my family and my mom was already totally agianst her.

From this time till my wedding i never found N in any double thoughts or tensed. I thought she has decided to marry that guy. She never spoke or discussed about this with her family or friends. So even i continued with my wedding plan, but still I was with N all the time thinking I would never get a chance to be with her again.

So in short ;
I was ready to marry her but was scared about that guy(maybe i will be responsible if anything wrong happens to him)(he played the most imp role for me).
Since my parents already didnt accept her and even N was not ready I didnt force any of them.

Finally i got married, but without any happiness.

The worst thing happened when N said ‘NO” to that guy. I was so angry that all my efforts went in vain. I love N a lot. Cared for her like a baby. Did everything for her. every single thing.we were together all the time. I never wanted her to be alone. So i was happy that she is also going to get married. But she spoiled everything. And now I am in so much regret about my wedding. I worry about her all the time thinking I left her alone.

My wife ‘A’ stayed with my parents for 4 months. During these days I found she was a totally different girl than I thought. My parents also realized what mistake they have done by rushing for my wedding. And now I am not able to adjust with A. I called her here in June, its been two months and we have just had arguments and fights. I am not sure if I can spend my life with A. But again thinking of A’s life and her family I am not able to take a decision. I know its too early to decide but I dont think there will be a change in her or me. This situation has totally broke me. I dont smile, laugh or talk.I am thinking of divorce not just for me but for A also, so that she gets another chance to get her life back, anyways she is unhappy with me, but again this society is stopping me from taking any decision. I compare my past with my present. I just want to get free of this life. I am also ready to be alone whole my life.

Thank you for giving your time for my problem

• This reply was modified 8 years, 8 months ago by Pinaky.