by Lori Deschene

Update: The winners for this giveaway have already been chosen. Subscribe to Tiny Buddha for free daily or weekly emails and to learn about future giveaways!

The winners:

• Catherine
• Alexsiss

An old friend once told me that women frequently say all the men they’ve dated have been jerks; and men frequently say all the women they’ve dated have been crazy.

You could chalk this up to gender differences, men being from Mars, women being from Venus and all that. But maybe there’s more to it. Maybe it’s actually our biology that influences how we act and interact—and why we often repeat unhealthy patterns with our romantic partners.

In her book, Rewire Your Brain for Love: Creating Vibrant Relationships Using the Science of Mindfulness, Marsha Lucas explains how our inner workings can sabotage our relationships, and how we can change that through meditation.

According to Rick Hanson, PhD, reading Rewire Your Brain for Love is “like having a best friend who is both savvy about the brain and a world-class therapist.”

I haven’t yet finished this book; I’m publishing this interview today because this is the official launch date. Based on what I’ve read so far, I can say with absolute certainty this is the most fascinating, helpful relationship book I have ever read.

Both educational and insightful, Rewire Your Brain for Love explains why we struggle in matters of the heart, and exactly what we need to do for healthier, happier relationships.

The Giveaway:

To enter to win 1 of 2 free copies of Rewire Your Brain for Love:

1. Leave a comment below.

2. Tweet: RT @tinybuddha Book Giveaway and Interview: Rewire Your Brain for Love http://bit.ly/yCvNBJ

If you don’t have a Twitter account, you can still enter by completing the first step. You can enter until midnight PST on Sunday February 5^th.

The Interview:

1. What inspired you to write this book?

The inspiration came from seeing the changes in my psychotherapy patients when mindfulness practice was added to the mix. It was sometimes a challenge to get past the resistance some people had to meditation—my psychotherapy office is just a half-dozen blocks from the White House, so I see a lot of people who are very intellectually-driven, “show me the evidence” folks with no room for any “woo” stuff.

It was a whole lot easier when we talked about the neurological bases of relationships, the peer-reviewed research coming out of neuroscience labs at universities they respected, and about this simple, well-documented practice that they could use to create actual changes in the brain—and that those changes support healthier, more successful relationships. Approaching it this way made it a much more empowering choice for them.

Writing the book came out of my wish to share this with more than just the people I could see in my psychotherapy office. On the micro level, I want more people to have the healing experience that healthy relationships offer. At the macro level, my wish is to be a part of helping create a world that’s driven more by empathy than by fear.

2. Why do we need to rewire our brains for love?

Unfortunately, lots of us didn’t have an optimal experience of healthy, attuned attachment in that early, critical time when our “relationship brains” develop (mostly before age 2).

By the way, it’s not necessarily about really bad experiences—it can be subtle, passed along by well-meaning parents who may not have had that optimal experience themselves.

And because of the way our brains develop, those very early experiences aren’t readily accessible through memory or insight, so it’s difficult to get any traction just by trying to think or “will” our way through.

If you can change that wiring, though—and mindfulness practice seems to help a great deal with that—then you can have a brain with better neural pathways that creates and supports better relationships.

3. Your book focuses on making improvements in our relationships with other people. Can we also rewire our brains for greater self-love?

Absolutely! I’d go farther to say that improving your relationship within yourself is the first step to being able to have better connections with others. I think of the practice of mindfulness as a way of cultivating more loving, compassionate relationships with everyone, and that includes you.

4. Is traditional meditation necessary to rewire our brains for love, or are other mindfulness practices equally effective?

The mindfulness practices that I’ve used to the best effect in my work (and that are in my book) are from the insight-meditation tradition. That approach has (in my view) the most compelling neuroscience research to date supporting the types of changes that I talk about and see in my work.

Other forms of contemplative practice are also being studied. They all definitely have benefits—and I’m very interested in seeing more about their benefits to the brain.

5. Can you talk a little about the seven “high-voltage” benefits of practicing mindfulness?

The “high-voltage” relationships benefits get me really excited, so much so that they form the framework of my book.

First thing to know: there are essential characteristics seen in people who had healthy, attuned childhood relationships—characteristics that bode incredibly well for their ability to have healthy relationships as adults.

Now, add to that: Those same characteristics are seen in people who practice mindfulness.

Then, to top it all off: the latest scientific research has increasingly been showing that these characteristics are associated with areas of the brain that change as a result of mindfulness practice.

I’ve found that the most helpful way to think about these characteristics is to group them into a list of seven acquirable skills. (Yep: acquirable.)

• Better management of your body’s reactions
• Improved regulation of fear
• Greater emotional resilience
• Increased response flexibility
• Improved insight (self-knowing)
• Deeper and clearer empathy and attunement—within yourself and with others
• Perspective shift from “me” to “we”

Daniel Siegel, MD, a Harvard-trained psychiatrist and an expert on childhood attachment was the person who first made me aware of the connection between these documented and compelling characteristics of well-being, seen in people who grew up with healthy, attuned attachments, and the brain structures and pathways shown to change with mindfulness practice.

I’ve been seeing the results confirmed through my psychology practice, in myself, and in the lives of my friends and colleagues. Very, very cool.

6. I know a lot of people who stay in unhealthy relationships, constantly looking for ways to “fix” them. How can one recognize when the problem is faulty wiring and when it’s best to walk away?

My first response is to share an anecdote from a friend of mine, Gay Hendricks, who’s also a psychologist: A middle-aged man came to his first therapy session, and talked about how lousy women were—he presented a long list of women in his life who’d just used him. Close to the end of the session he leaned in and quietly said, “But y’know… I’m beginning to wonder if it might have something to do with me.”

We all have our relationship wiring issues—our own styles of attachment that developed early on. In part, mindfulness practice helps you increase your capacity to look at your relationship patterns with honesty and self-compassion (not excuses or blame). That’s necessary whether you’re going to stay in the relationship or end it. Otherwise, you end up staging the same play with the same script over and over again, whether it’s with the same actors or new ones.

7. In Chapter 8, you explore empathy and how you misunderstood it when you were younger. I saw myself in your words, as I had the same experience! Can you tell us a little about what empathy is and what it isn’t—and why it’s important to our relationships to understand the difference?

Healthy, balanced empathy is a tough one for a lot of people, especially those whose role in life leans heavily toward helping others. It’s easy to get lost in the feelings and needs of the other person, and end up not holding on to any empathy for yourself—and that often leads to feelings of burnout, resentment, depression, all kinds of un-fun stuff.

My take on empathy is heavily influenced by the way that Frans de Waal, PhD talks about it—he’s a world-renowned primatologist and director of the Yerkes Living Links Center at Emory University, and he looks at empathy as an evolutionary advancement. As you go “up” in evolutionary terms, there are increasingly developed levels of empathic abilities, starting with the kind of “emotional contagion” that you might see in a herd of zebras, on up to through being able to take someone else’s perspective (though as Frans points out, psychopaths are good at this, too).

Where many of us get off track is taking it to the next level, empathic perspective taking—what is s/he feeling and why might that be? And what am I feeling in response, and why might that be? If you lose sight of either one, you’re more likely to react out of old, unhealthy relationships habits—what can be called “autopilot.”

Empathy’s not just about insight, and not just about feeling—it’s about an integration of those, happening in the space between you and your partner. Or, between you and more people in your community, however large that community may be—we’re all in this together, after all.

Choosing to cultivate more empathy doesn’t mean losing your own integrity or point of view—it just means that you’re no longer governed by lower-order, fear-based reactivity. Now that’s empowering!

Learn more about Rewire Your Brain for Love on Amazon.

FTC Disclosure: I receive complimentary books for reviews and interviews on tinybuddha.com, but I am not compensated for writing or obligated to write anything specific. I am an Amazon affiliate, meaning I earn a percentage of all books purchased through the links I provide on this site.

by Lori Deschene

Update: The winners for this giveaway have already been chosen. Subscribe to Tiny Buddha for free daily or weekly emails and to learn about future giveaways!

Also, Steve’s team has informed me that you can download the digital version of Journey to You for free by subscribing for his newsletter! You can access that here.

The winners:

• rapidwen
• roo

Have you ever felt like there’s one thing you were born to do, and you’re not doing it?

This isn’t actually something I’ve thought, because I don’t believe in fate.

For this reason, I felt a little reluctant when I recently received an email about Steve Olsher’s bestselling book, Journey to You: A Step by Step Guide to Becoming Who You Were Born to Be.

Still, a part of me was intrigued. Even though I don’t personally subscribe to the idea that I was born to do one specific thing, I believe there are certain paths that will provide a far greater sense of purpose and fulfillment than others.

I also believe it can be difficult to identify those paths when we’re out of touch with ourselves, divorced from our instincts, confused about our priorities, and overwhelmed by obstacles.

I read Journey to You with an open mind, eager to glean insights about living a meaningful, passionate life.

There were some parts of the book I connected with more than others, but on the whole, I found it to be a highly instructive guide for anyone who is looking to reinvent themselves. Whether you believe in destiny or not, you will likely find some useful tips and tools to help you create a life that gets you excited.

The Giveaway

To enter to win 1 of 2 free copies of Journey to You: A Step by Step Guide to Becoming Who You Were Born to Be:

1. Leave a comment below.

2. Tweet: RT @tinybuddha GIVEAWAY and Interview: Journey to You http://bit.ly/yy4YlX

If you don’t have a Twitter account, you can still enter by completing the first step. You can enter until midnight PST on Friday, January 27th.

The Interview

1. What inspired you to write Journey to You?

I wrote Journey to You because of an experience I had with my step-father a number of years ago. He was on his death bed, very sick. The illness that had consumed his body for years had finally taken over and he was in the last days of his life. As I held his hand, I had a vision of my funeral.

Though he could no longer verbally communicate, I believe he was able to connect with me through that physical connection and was showing me my inevitable fate. I could hear the words being spoken graveside: “Here lies Steve Olsher. He dedicated his life to chasing the almighty dollar.” That’s all that was said.

It hit me really hard because I’ve always felt like I was meant and made to do something extraordinary, but just couldn’t quite identify what it was. It was certainly clear to my step-father I was heading down the wrong path.

I faced what I call a YaNo (pronounced YAY-NO) moment. I could choose to go in one of two directions: Either farther away from attaining congruence with who I inherently am; or, down the path that would allow me to honor my inherent blueprint and make a difference in the world not just on those who share this lifetime with me, but also on those of lifetimes to come.

I chose the latter and began putting pen to paper to share the tips, tools, strategies and shortcuts that had worked well for me in my life with others.

2. Much of your book is about unlocking the greatness within. Do you believe there is a connection between achievement and greatness or can one be great without pursuing professional success?

I do not believe the two are mutually exclusive. It is absolutely possible to achieve a high-degree of success while making an extraordinary income doing what it is you’re compelled to do. That said, it does not have to be that way. In other words, you don’t have to necessarily realize what many would define as “greatness” whereby notoriety and professional “success” is achieved in order to have an inordinate impact on our world.

Mother Teresa is a phenomenal example of this. She absolutely provided comfort, care, and healing to those in need, but was she financially and professionally successful? Certainly not by the common definition. However, I do believe that, from purely a professional standpoint in terms of representing her profession, she was extraordinarily successful.

Again, you should be paid extraordinarily well for whatever it is you do better and/or uniquely different than anyone else and if money is not your bag, then give it away. But let’s be real—we all have financial obligations. Money is a necessity. And, if you can get by with minimal needs and don’t care for the excess cash, then great—support or start your own charity and help those in need.

3. You outline a process to help people discover their WHAT—the one vocation we are compelled to pursue. Do you believe that everyone has just one vocation? Or, are there many possibilities that will lead to professional fulfillment?

I do believe there is just one thing we are each absolutely compelled to do. Now, don’t get me wrong. Your skill can be applied in myriad ways. For instance, you could be a phenomenal communicator, therefore sometimes you’re a writer and other times you’re a speaker. Or, maybe your gift is music and you play as well as compose.

It’s possible that not only do you play and compose, but you might also teach. After all, teaching leads to being a better player and composer, and also helps generate consistent income. It is certainly not necessary to be stuck within one element of the profession.

And, as you grow, you’ll realize there are other options that complement what it is you’re compelled to do. The important thing is that it all stays within the general framework of the one area of your life that really makes your soul sing.

So, sure, there are multiple opportunities to develop professional fulfillment, however, your life and your love for it is going to revolve around one specific area that specifically reflects your WHAT.

4. You are known as America’s Reinvention Expert. In your experience what have you found are the main reasons people want to reinvent themselves?

People typically seek to reinvent their lives, number one, as a result of circumstance. Either they are fired, divorced, dissatisfied with their life, realize it’s not what they bargained for, etc.

Number two, many wake up one morning and say, “There’s got to be something more to this life.” They finally hit the wall and know they want to have a more powerful impact on this world, get paid well for what they’re good at, and may not know exactly what that is or, if they do, are unclear how to bring their gifts to fruition.

It is often about a shift in perspective. Something happens in their life that dramatically alters their state of mind and they choose to move in a different direction.

5. In this time of economic uncertainty, many people are struggling just to make ends meet. Do you believe anyone can reinvent themselves from right where they stand or do we need to create a sense of financial stability before we can change careers?

Fact is, we all have mouths to feed and bills to pay. I’m not one of those people that’s going to sit there and tell you to “Do what you love and the money will follow.” That couldn’t be further from the truth.

Run away as fast and as far as you can from someone preaching that message, because immediately pursuing your passion without having the financial wherewithal to carry you only leads to your situation becoming dramatically worse. This is not what we want.

Bottom line, don’t quit your day job. You must be willing to enter the transition. The transition involves being clear as to where you are now, where you’re headed, and begin to take baby steps to get there.

Think of the transition as a recipe mixture. Right now, 100% of your income is derived from what it is that you don’t want to do and 0% of your income is derived from what you do. Once you take that first step, the recipe mixture starts to shift. So maybe now, its 99.99 parts what you don’t want to do and .01 parts what you do.

As income is derived from what it is that really stirs your soul, you begin to recognize when you can make the full-on shift. For some, it’s when they’re able to generate 50% of their typical income; for others, maybe it’s 60, 70, or 80%; and, still others won’t be able to make the complete transition until they’re at 100% of their typical income being derived from what it is they’re compelled to do.

You can try to deny it, but everyone needs financial stability and patience. If you choose to be a brain surgeon, this may mean you’re in a state of transition for 16 years.

6. Journey To You was honored by USA Book News as the Best Self-Help Book of the Year. Why do you think the book has been so well-received?

I think the book has been so well-received because it provides a no-holds-barred, cut-to-the-chase, non-flowery approach to creating a life you can be proud of and teaches you specifically how to do it. Too many books out there speak in theoretical terms. Life doesn’t happen in theory. It happens right here and right now.

Specific steps are required to reach your destination. Few other books provide a step-by-step guide for identifying specifically what it is you’re compelled to do and how to bring it to fruition. Journey To You provides the reader with poignant, proprietary exercises that helps them discover their WHAT, create a plan of action for making it happen, and doesn’t insult the reader with flowery, woo-hoo prose. I believe this is why the book resonates so well.

7. What is the main message you hope readers take from the book?

The main message I hope readers take from the book is that life is organic and constantly evolving. The destination is the road and the journey is the destination. In other words, you are exactly where you’re supposed to be.

Life starts over right now, right now and right now. It literally starts over every single second of every single day. You can choose to hang onto what’s behind you and drag it kicking and screaming into the present, or choose to move towards what’s in front of you. The key is to move in the direction of specific goals and objectives. Everything behind you is irrelevant and has no bearing or place in your life right now.

Wayne Dyer said it best: “Everything that happens in life, no matter how painful, eventually leads us to a place of higher value.” My hope is that Journey to You is far from painful and leads the reader to a place of higher value.

Thank you so much for your time and your attention.

Learn more about Steve Olsher, “America’s Reinvention Expert” at SteveOlsher.com.

FTC Disclosure: I receive complimentary books for reviews and interviews on tinybuddha.com, but I am not compensated for writing or obligated to write anything specific. I am an Amazon affiliate, meaning I earn a percentage of all books purchased through the links I provide on this site.

by Lori Deschene

Update: The winners for this giveaway have been chosen. Subscribe to Tiny Buddha to receive free daily or weekly emails and to learn about future giveaways!

The winners:

• Embroiderall
• Dixie
• Chavaevy

Have you noticed there are certain things you can’t do as easily as you could when you were younger? Have you ever felt resistant to the inevitable changes that come with age? Have you put thought into your own mortality?

And have you considered that perhaps all of this can contribute to a greater sense of spirituality?

Buddhist author and teacher Lewis Richmond tackles these questions and more in his book Aging as a Spiritual Practice: A Contemplative Guide to Growing Older and Wiser.

Although I am in my thirties and not yet approaching my senior years, I was interested to read this book because I often feel this desire to cling to youth, coupled with a fear of what it will be like when it inevitably slips away.

I appreciated Richmond’s refreshing perspective on the benefits of growing older, and his honesty about his own experiences with illness, aging, and transformation.

From the book jacket:

Incorporating illuminating facts from scientific researchers, doctors, and psychologists on aging’s various challenges and rewards; Richmond explores the tandem of maintaining a healthy body and healthy relationships infused with an active spiritual life. Using this information, we can pay attention to our own experience of aging through the lens of our emotions, and adapt accordingly, inspiring opportunities for a joy that transcends age.

The Giveaway

To enter to win one of three free copies of Aging as a Spiritual Practice:

1. Leave a comment below.

2. Tweet: RT @tinybuddha GIVEAWAY and Interview: Aging as a Spiritual Practice http://bit.ly/wgW7zs

If you don’t have a Twitter account, you can still enter by completing the first step. You can enter until midnight PST on Friday, January 20th.

The Interview

1. In many ways, we live in a youth-driven culture. Do you think this has affected our ability to embrace aging, and recognize and appreciate the benefits?

Yes, to some extent. When I did my early research for the book, I found that most of the books about aging were actually about postponing aging—exercise, diet, yoga, cosmetics, and so on.  This emphasis mirrors the consumer culture which advertises these remedies to older people, who then internalize the message that it is important to stay and look young as long as possible.

The honoring of elderhood as an important life stage both for oneself and for one’s community is a legacy of a previous era—though I think it is coming back, and I hope to contribute to that renaissance.

2. What are some of the other factors that contribute to our fear of aging?

Fear of illness, fear of death, fear of dementia, fear of being poor—these were all known by ancient Buddhist writers as universal “great fears,” at a time when the average life expectancy was probably 35.

So it is natural to fear these things, but it is also possible to courageously face up to them and not let them have the last word. Each adversity brings opportunity, each fear offers gifts.

I try to strike that balance in the book. Research shows that flexibility is a key ingredient for the success of the “extraordinary elderly”—people who do not let their worries and fears stop them from enjoying life to the fullest.

3. What, would you say, are the some of the benefits of growing older?

In the book I cite a large research study concluding that on the whole people in their fifties and sixties are less stressed than people in their thirties. The study of 300,000 people was adjusted for socio-economic status, finances, gender, race, religion and many other things, so this result is real.

Why, the researchers asked? They had no firm answer, but they suspected that it was because people who have lived longer have more experience dealing with adversity. Life experience is a hard-won treasure; there is no shortcut to it.

My own respondents cited many other benefits—freedom to wear what they wanted, grandchildren, travel, pursuing long-deferred dreams, giving back to community. I would add to this list the perspective to contemplate spiritual values and the deep meaning of it all.

4. What advice would you offer to someone is struggling to embrace aging in fear of being devalued by society?

I would say, “Don’t let others define you. Be who you are.” Or as my Buddhist teacher Shunryu Suzuki often said, “Stand on your own two feet.”

Also, enjoy the friends you have and don’t hesitate to make new ones. Friendships of long standing are a powerful bastion against the facile opinions of a youth-obsessed society.

5. In your book, you wrote about coming to terms with the irreversible changes that age brings—things we lose that we simply can’t get back. While this is true for all of us, some people seem to accept this more readily without letting it lead to bitterness and depression. What do you think enables some people to accept this, while others resist and grieve their former selves?

There is a good deal of scientific research about this which I cite in my book. Optimism turns out to be somewhat genetically pre-determined, but it can also be cultivated, even by lifelong pessimists.

To some extent the Buddhist-oriented contemplative exercises I offer in the book are partly a means to cultivate optimism. “Reframing”—the capacity to see a difficult situation in a more positive light—is a measurable factor for increased happiness as you grow older.

If your bad knee means you can’t jog anymore, take up swimming! Or more deeply, rather than dwelling on the losses of aging, focus on its fresh opportunities. I interviewed many professionals—doctors, nurses, geriatric specialists, psychiatrists—who make this approach the main focus of therapy for their elderly patients. They tell me it really works.

6. You also explored how elders formerly had certain roles to play in society, such as passing on stories, sharing wisdom, and caring for their community’s children—roles that are less relevant in our modern culture. Do you believe that creating a strong internal sense of purpose is an essential part of healthy aging?

I firmly believe that “elderhood” is innate, and I tell several true elderhood stories to illustrate that. In other words, elderhood is designed to awaken in us at the very time we and our community need it.

I think the wisdom aspect of all religions—Buddhism, Judaism, Christianity, Hinduism, and others—come out of this lore of elderhood, passed down through innumerable generations.

At one time the community recognized elderhood in all its facets and honored it. Now each of us has more responsibility to create our own domain of elderhood. That’s one of the reasons I wrote the book, to offer tools for that.

7. What are the main ways in which aging can actually help us deepen our sense of spirituality?

Aging means, first and foremost, the growing awareness that our time is limited, that everything we love and care about, including our precious selves, is destined to pass away.

One of the main things Buddhism teachers is that this need not be a depressing realization. On the contrary, knowing our own and others’ fragility is a great gift aging brings, because we can clearly see how precious everything is, and how important it is to take care of what we have.

Aging is also a time for a more patient, quiet life—a natural environment for a spiritual and contemplative attitude. That’s why each chapter of my book offers a contemplative exercise, and the last three chapters describe a “day away”—a guided one-day personal retreat.

8. In your book, you shared some of your own experiences dealing with illness and facing death. What are the top lessons you’ve learned about coming to terms with our own mortality?

I had cancer when I was 36, and a brain infection at 52 which no doctor thought I could survive.  From a medical point of view I am a walking miracle. I still wake up every morning with a sense that I am lucky to be here at all. That is the great gift of my otherwise terrible illnesses.

Another gift is how I can help others who are ill; they come to me and consult me simply because I have been there. These days I do not fear death. For two weeks I was in a death coma, though I was aware and conscious inside my head. I had no fear there. I felt comforted and filled with light.

At one level my illnesses and their long recoveries took 8 or 10 years out of my life. At another level they have been my greatest teacher. Would I like those 8 or 10 years back? People ask me that and I have no answer. We only live once.

9. What is the main message you hope readers take from Aging as a Spiritual Practice?

I want people to come away from the book feeling good about growing old. I have blog respondents who say things like “Aging sucks. It’s terrible. The wrinkles, the fatigue. I hate it!”

OK, I understand. But read the book. I acknowledge that point of view; I have a whole chapter about it. The bad stuff is not the whole story. The whole story is far richer, it is the tapestry of the whole human adventure, start to finish.

Our species has been birthing, living, aging, and dying for perhaps a million years. We know how to do a whole life and that wisdom is written into our hearts and our DNA. Look within, all that knowledge is there.  Look without, and see the whole human community traversing this terrain together.

One thing we get to learn as we live out the fullness of our life is how important love is. Focus on that, and aging is not so bad, really. In fact, it’s pretty good!

You can learn more about Aging as a Spiritual Practice on Amazon.

FTC Disclosure: I receive complimentary books for reviews and interviews on tinybuddha.com, but I am not compensated for writing or obligated to write anything specific. I am an Amazon affiliate, meaning I earn a percentage of all books purchased through the links I provide on this site.

Two months back, I thought of a fun, creative contest that I’d enjoy running in conjunction with my book promotion efforts. In case you haven’t seen the million and one links all around the site, I recently launched my first book, Tiny Buddha: Simple Wisdom for Life’s Hard Questions.

Incorporating nearly 200 tweets from the community on pain, meaning, fate, happiness, love, and more, the book includes some of my own experiences in overcoming depression and creating joy and purpose, along with insights and suggestions from wise teachers throughout time.

It’s a book that acknowledges that much is uncertain in life, but also offers practical ideas to live in the moment, be the people we want to be, and live the lives we want to lead.

Since at its core, the book is about addressing the questions that don’t have concrete, one-size-fits-all answers, I created The Life’s Hard Questions photo contest to further advance this conversation.

To make it even more exciting, I decided to offer a wide range of prizes, including:

• 1 Canon DSLR Camera
• 2 Kindle eReaders
• 10 copies of my book

The contest ends on January 15, 2012, which means there are just a few more days to get involved.

To do that, all you need to do is share a photo of yourself somehow displaying the hardest question in your life.

There’s a whole photo gallery with more than 100 submissions if you’d like to see what other people have done. Bonus points for anyone who thinks of a creative shot, not using Photoshop to share the question!

You can find the official contest rules on the site, but just a few guidelines in advance:

• The photo cannot show any people other than yourself, nudity, or profanity
• It can only contain a question (as opposed to a statement and a question)
• The question needs to be large and dark enough to be legible from the slideshow
• The question cannot be sarcastic in nature
• The photo cannot be blurred, painted, otherwise enhanced using Photoshop effects

If you’d like to add your photo to slideshow and enter the contest, use the upload form here. One of the kindles will go to the most creative shot—the other prizes are by random drawing. I will announce the winners at the end of the month.

Here are a few shots to get your creative juices flowing:

I look forward to seeing your photos. Happy Friday friends!

“Man stands in his own shadow and wonders why it’s dark.” -Zen Proverb

I’ve recognized that I come to my computer to write for one of two reasons:

Either I feel the need to explore something that’s relevant to my life, and in doing so, start a conversation about it; or there’s something bothering me that I haven’t fully addressed, and I’m hoping the conversation will make me feel better about it.

Last week an old friend wrote to congratulate me on my book. She started the email by joking that she wouldn’t “sell my secrets if the tabloids called.”

Though I doubt she was referring to anything specific, this struck a nerve with me because I’ve shared a lot of my personal experiences, but there are some stories I haven’t told.

Some of them I’ve worked through and simply don’t want to share; others I haven’t completely addressed, and I’m still working through them privately.

After I read her email, I started to write a post about the difference between authenticity and transparency. I realized three paragraphs in that my sole intention was to receive confirmation that I am not a fraud for keeping certain things to myself.

So I decided to sit with this, and give myself the reassurance and acceptance I hoped you’d give me.

I realized then that this same idea applies in everyday life, as we engage with other people and, consciously or unconsciously, look to them to give us what we’re not giving ourselves.

If we’re feeling down on ourselves, we may look to other people to validate us. If we’re feeling drained, we might look to other people to give us permission to take a break.

If they don’t give us what we need, we can end up feeling frustrated, and direct that at them. Ironically, even when people say what we think we want to hear, it tends to fall flat if we don’t truly believe they’re right.

What makes it all the more complicated is that we don’t often realize we’re doing this. It’s far more comfortable to search outside than it is to look within.

But if we want to fully feel the warmth of light, we need to first access our own. That starts with asking ourselves: What do I really need—and how can I give it to myself?

My book blog tour for Tiny Buddha: Simple Wisdom for Life’s Hard Questions has come to an end! Check out the final stops: A video interview on The One Question and a review on Prolific Living.

Photo by Wonderlane

Update: The winners for this giveaway have been chosen. Subscribe to Tiny Buddha to receive free daily or weekly emails and to learn about future giveaways!

The winners:

• happy_smileskk
• wylygirl

You know that open-hearted, safe feeling of being in the presence of someone you love and trust? Have you ever wondered if you could bottle that and feel it later, when you were alone?

What about that connected, fulfilled feeling of loving someone else passionately and unconditionally. Have you ever wondered if you could sustain that whether you were in a relationship or not?

Bestselling author Marci Shimoff (who also wrote six books in the Chicken Soup for the Soul series) explores this possibility in her new book, Love for No Reason—and it’s not just a feel-good idea. It’s backed by scientific research, and its instantly applicable thanks to Marci’s practical, specific guidance.

Love for No Reason is for anyone who wants to:

• Open their heart and become a magnet for love
• Enjoy more fulfilling relationships with others and themselves
• Turn off their body’s stress response and turn on their body’s love response for better health and well-being
• Experience more success and satisfaction
• Transform their family, community, and the world

I’m grateful that Marci took the time to answer some questions, and also that she is giving away 2 free copies of her book.

The Giveaway

To enter the giveaway:

1. Leave a comment below noting if you’ve ever felt “love for no reason,” and if so, when you felt it most recently.

2. Tweet: RT @tinybuddha GIVEAWAY and Interview: Love for No Reason http://bit.ly/yfA8bX

If you don’t have a Twitter account, you can still enter by completing the first step. You can enter until midnight PST on Friday, January 13^th.

The Interview

1. What inspired you to write Love for No Reason?

When I finished writing Happy for No Reason, I’d definitely gotten much happier. But I knew there was still something I wanted that was beyond happiness—and that something was Love. 

I reflected on the times in my life when I was most fulfilled, and they were when I was in love. But of course, those times don’t last forever.  So I began wondering whether I could feel that “in love” feeling all the time, whether or not I was in a relationship or whether someone was treating me the way I wanted.

As soon as I started asking that question, I began meeting people who were lit up from inside, who were open-hearted. I had a feeling being around them that they were in love. I’d run into them everywhere. The woman next to me on the plane to Russia, the waiter in Peru, the guy in line behind me at the grocery store: ordinary people who were simply radiating love. It felt great to be around them.  I thought, I want what they’re having.

So I began asking them what it was like to be in their shoes and how they’d gotten where they were.  Their stories had many similarities: they were in love with life, they felt safe and secure—no matter what happened to them. They were vital, energetic; they were compassionate and loving toward themselves and others, they saw the best in the world around them. Best of all, I discovered that they didn’t just get there by luck.

I ended up doing extensive research on love and interviewing 150 people living in that state; I call them Love Luminaries.  I found there were specific things the Love Luminaries did that we can all do to live with a more open heart and experience a more love-filled life. Those specific things became the 14 Keys I share in Love for No Reason.

2. What do you think is the biggest barrier to feeling Love for No Reason? 

Our excessive preoccupation with romantic love—which causes us to look outside ourselves for fulfillment and love. Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with romantic love, but it can distract us from living in a state of love that isn’t based on externals, and that brings a deeper experience of love to every relationship.

Most of us are walking around like love beggars:  holding our little cups out and looking to others to fill us up.  When you remove the blocks around your heart, you find that there’s an unending supply of love, because you’re connected to the wellspring of love. So you’re no longer a love beggar, you become a love philanthropist.  Love just naturally overflows from you.  You don’t try to get love from life, you bring love to life.

3. You talk about the love set-point. What is that?

Scientists in the field of positive psychology have discovered that we each have a happiness set-point, a fixed level of happiness we hover around, no matter what happens to us. I’ve observed a similar phenomenon when it comes to love.

We also each have a range of love that we feel comfortable experiencing.  There’s an upper limit to the amount of love we allow ourselves to feel—that’s our love set-point. It’s like a ceiling. If we start to get too much love, more than we’re used to, we sabotage it. The good news is that we can raise the set-point—by removing the blocks that close our heart and by creating new habits.  That’s great news. It means that unconditional love is a skill we can learn.

4. Can you talk a little about the science behind Love for No Reason?

The study of love is an emerging field. Perhaps the leaders in this field are a group called the Institute of HeartMath who along with other scientific, medical, and educational institutions, including Stanford University and Florida Heart Research Institute, are working to advance the understanding that love is a measurable physiological state—not just a mood—that has positive physical and biological repercussions.

Love is the opposite of the body’s stress response. When we’re in fight or flight, we produce stress chemicals which, over time, weaken the body. When we produce love chemicals—like oxytocin, endorphins, and serotonin—these strengthen the whole system.

These two responses, the stress response and the love response, are mutually exclusive. When we’re in angry, anxious, or stressed, it shuts down the love. It actually affects the heart rhythms, how your heart beats—which affects your health.

One of the things that happens when we’re feeling more love and care is that we go into what’s called “heart rhythm coherence,” which you can actually measure and monitor on a computer screen. It’s also possible to train yourself to go into heart rhythm coherence at will.

The researchers at the Institute of HeartMath found that five minutes of feeling love and care can strengthen your immune system for up to six hours, whereas five minutes of feeling angry can weaken and suppress the immune system for six hours. The state of love has its own unique biochemistry and type of brain functioning.

5. What’s one tip you’d give to someone who is dealing with tremendous loss and feeling shut down to love and other people?

Well, I can talk from experience on this one. When I was writing Love for No Reason, I was going through a divorce. Talk about on-the-job training!

One day, hanging up the phone after a conversation with my ex-husband Sergio, I felt the pain and loss of not being together anymore. Even though I knew our parting was the best for both of us, I was feeling so much love for him and my heart was aching with longing for him. I felt as if I had to shut down the feeling of love because I thought it would hurt too much.

Okay, I thought, I’m writing this book about Love for No Reason. Everyone I’ve interviewed has told me that love is who we are and that I can experience that love inside myself whenever I want. Let me give it a whirl.

Closing my eyes, I told myself, This feeling I have for Sergio—it’s my love. It’s coming from me. So I’m going to just sit here and feel it.

And I did. I really let my love flow, savoring the sweetness of that experience in my own heart. If my attention started focusing on Sergio and the fact that we weren’t together, I’d gently bring it back to my experience of love. That love was coming from me—it was mine.

I could feel it regardless of who was with me or not with me. And it actually helped a lot. Normally, the pangs of loss and sadness would have stayed with me for hours, but within five minutes of just letting myself feel my own love for no reason—I felt better.

It worked so well for me that now I recommend this little exercise to anyone going through a loss.

6. How can fostering love for no reason help us make a positive difference in the world?

There’s a major shift happening on the planet right now. We’re moving from a mind-dominated world obsessed with power, control, and survival to a love-dominated world that balances mind and heart and is committed to the flourishing of all sentient beings.

Pure, unconditional love is the highest frequency of vibration there is. The more we experience Love for No Reason, the more habituated we become to living at a high energetic vibration, and the greater our effect on the world around us.

When we radiate love, we send out a powerful vibration that impacts all other life forms: humans, animals, and plants. It’s one of the biggest ways a person can contribute to this planet.

There’s a Chinese proverb that I love to quote which sums that up: “When there is light in the soul, there will be beauty in the person. When there is beauty in the person, there will be harmony in the house. When there is harmony in the house, there will be order in the nation. And when there is order in the nation, there will be peace in the world.”

So my prayer and wish for each of us is that we feel that love and light in our own hearts and souls, and through that we help create more peace here on this planet of ours.

7. What is one simple practice we can use every day to open ourselves up to unconditional love?

One of my favorite tools from Love for No Reason comes from the Institute of HeartMath. It’s called Inner-Ease Technique. It only takes two minutes but it has a very powerful effect on our hearts.

To do it you close your eyes and put your hand on your heart area. Imagine that you are breathing in and out through your heart. Breathe slowly and gently. With each breath, imagine that you are drawing in a feeling of inner ease and infusing your mind and emotions with balance and self-love from your heart. Continue this for about two minutes. Then take your hand off your heart and sit quietly for a few seconds before opening your eyes.

Practicing Inner-Ease generates heartwave coherence and creates “flow” by helping to regulate the balance and cooperation between our heart, mind, and emotions. This technique “primes the pump” of unconditional love and open-heartedness in our lives.

By Marci Shimoff. Adapted from Love for No Reason: 7 Steps to Creating a Life of Unconditional Love—now available in paperback.  Visit www.TheLoveBook.com to purchase the book and receive your free bonus pack!

Connect with Marci on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/MarciShimoffFan

FTC Disclosure: I receive complimentary books for reviews and interviews on tinybuddha.com, but I am not compensated for writing or obligated to write anything specific. I am an Amazon affiliate, meaning I earn a percentage of all books purchased through the links I provide on this site.

by Lori Deschene

Note: This winners for this giveaway have already been chosen. Subscribe to Tiny Buddha for free daily or weekly emails and to learn about future giveaways!

The Winners:

• Maloney411
• kgirl

It’s often occurred to me that the most important components of my peace and happiness are actually quite simple. When I start feeling overwhelmed or unbalanced, it’s generally because I’ve complicated things and lost touch with what truly matters.

This is precisely why I loved reading David J. Singer’s book Six Simple Rules for a Better Life: it offers practical wisdom by focusing on the simplest of ideas—which we nonetheless forget at times—and includes concrete suggestions to make incremental change across multiple areas of our lives.

David writes in a warm, down-to-earth tone, and shares his experiences, insights, and, most importantly, his humanity with candor, which makes the book easily digestible and accessible.

I’m excited to share a little about David and Six Simple Rules for a Better Life, and also offer two free autographed copies.

The Giveaway

1. Leave a comment below, noting one “rule” or guideline that you’ve adopted for your health and happiness.

2. Tweet: RT @tinybuddha GIVEAWAY and Interview: Six Simple Rules for a Better Life http://bit.ly/x0zZM4

If you don’t have a Twitter account, you can still enter by completing the first step. You can enter until midnight PST on Friday, January 6^th.

The Interview

1. You’re an author, speaker, and former workshop leader for high school students. Can you tell us a little more about yourself?

I love being a dad, a husband, a son, a brother, a community member, and a friend. I also love spending much of my time with smart, interesting, and wonderful people in my day job running a service business.

I love sports, music, and reading. I love to learn and grow and to help other people learn and grow. A good friend calls me a learnaholic and I used that to describe myself on the first page of my book.

2. What inspired you to write Six Simple Rules for a Better Life?

Nothing feels better than knowing that I’ve made a difference in other people’s lives. I’ve always tried to help family and friends, and I derived great satisfaction working with the high school students you referred to in your first question. I wrote Six Simple Rules for a Better Life to be able to help a wider audience.

3. What are the six simple rules?

Be happy, Be nice, Be a leader, Be organized, Be a lifelong learner, and Be healthy.

4. You’ve written that your book is not like other self-help books. What makes it different?

People who write self-help books often come across as super-beings. While it’s nice to be able to look up to them, their seeming perfection can make their suggestions seem unachievable.

I’m no super-being. I readily acknowledge experiencing frustration, failure, stress, and anxiety like everyone else. And I make mistakes. Plenty of them. I work hard to learn from my mistakes. And then I share that learning with everyone I know.

Another friend, after reading the first draft of the book, said to me that he loved my book because it’s unlike other self-help books that “tout all kinds of grand changes that end up oppressing you, making you feel so guilty that you avert your eyes as you walk past the shelf where they sit and accusingly call out to you, Why aren’t you following our instructions?”

My book, instead, is filled with practical, achievable suggestions for all kinds of ways that you can improve your life, along with a method for making changes that stick.

5. One thing I love about your book is that you write in an accessible, down-to-earth tone and you offer suggestions to create positive habits starting right now. What would you say is the most important habit for happiness?

I’m a big fan of the work of Richard Carlson and Viktor Frankl. From their teachings, I have learned about the power of our thinking.

“The power of negative thinking” is something I talk about when I give speeches. No one has heard that phrase, but everyone is familiar with the results of negative thinking—stewing over minor slights and inconveniences, being snippy with the ones you love, and general unhappiness.

When we learn that our thinking has everything to do with our emotions, we can be happier by recognizing when our thoughts are running away from us, bringing ourselves back into the present moment, and reminding ourselves not to sweat the small stuff and to be grateful for what we have.

6. Your second rule is “Be nice.” I think most of us might consider this common sense, and yet we also struggle with this at times. What do you think is the main reason we struggle to be good to each other?

All of us are so busy—we have so much on our minds that it’s very challenging to live in the present moment. We spend a lot of time thinking about things that have happened in the past, or thinking (and often worrying) about the future. If we’re not present, it’s easy to let those “Be nice” habits slip. That’s why I wrote a whole chapter filled with ideas for ways to be nice.

7. Another of your rules is “Be a leader.” How do you define “leader”—and do you think leadership is something that is accessible to everyone?

When I was writing the book and told a friend about “Be a leader,” he said, “I don’t think everyone can be a leader.” I explained that I wasn’t talking about world leaders and company CEOs; that the leadership I was writing about includes making the world a better place even in “small” ways.

Being a leader is about getting involved in your community. It’s about setting an example and taking on responsibility. It’s about the role you play in your family. In answer to your question—yes, we all have it in us to be a leader.

8. You’ve written that we need to slow down to make changes. What do you think is the main reason we often struggle to make real, lasting change?

We live in a world filled with offers for immediate change. “Get rich quick,” “get thin now,” “stop smoking today.” Those quick fixes, when they do work, rarely last. In the same way, we’re encouraged each year to make New Year’s resolutions—grandiose plans, which nearly always fail.

You know how it works—gym memberships spike in January and then those same gyms’ parking lots are empty by February. The secret to making real, lasting change is to slow down to make changes.

Instead of creating the once-a-year, New Year’s resolutions type of list, the better way is to create and maintain a running list of goals—an ongoing list of life-improvement ideas. Then, because it takes 21 days to form a new habit, slow down and focus on one new habit every 21 days. This slow and steady approach is extremely effective and adds up to the positive changes we all want.

9. You also suggest we need to take time to celebrate our progress. Why is this so important?

Looking forward to more accomplishments is a great motivator and a list of goals is great raw material for our progress. But it’s important that we don’t end up seeing the list of goals as a list of shortcomings.

Even someone who would not be officially labeled as a perfectionist likely suffers to some extent from the perfectionist mentality, frustrated by all that they haven’t accomplished—and that’s a negative, unhappy place to be. Toward that end, it’s important to make a second list—a list of achievements—and to stop and celebrate our progress every day, looking back at all that we’ve accomplished. We deserve it.

10. What is the main message you hope readers take from your book?

I could say this any time of year, but it’s especially poignant in January, when people are already struggling with their New Year’s resolutions: As we discussed before, the way to real, lasting change is to slow down.

We’ve all heard the saying, “life is short” and that we have to “stop to smell the roses.” I agree. But I’ve also learned that “life is long,” meaning that we have time, and that we don’t have to try to make a million changes all at once—which can leave us so overwhelmed that we make none. If we slow down to make changes we’ll accomplish much more.

I talked before about focusing on one new habit every 21 days. Even if you slow down further (for example, one new habit every month, or every six weeks), you can experience many positive changes this year, and an awesome number in the years ahead. The years will go by anyway. You might as well make those changes. And you can. We all can.

Read more about Six Simple Rules for a Better Life on Amazon.

FTC Disclosure: I receive complimentary books for reviews and interviews on tinybuddha.com, but I am not compensated for writing or obligated to write anything specific. I am an Amazon affiliate, meaning I earn a percentage of all books purchased through the links I provide on this site.

by Lori Deschene

Important Note: The winners for this giveaway have already been chosen! You can purchase Tiny Buddha: Simple Wisdom for Life’s Hard Questions on Amazon.com. Also, be sure to subscribe to Tiny Buddha for free daily or weekly emails!

The winners:

• DeniseJane2010
• Cd_at_aspenacres
• Printpopceo

Happy almost 2012!

It’s been an exciting year for Tiny Buddha. For one thing, the community has grown, but what I find most exciting is that the number of people sharing their stories and engaging with other people has increased exponentially.

During the first year, I published two posts from the community per week. In January of 2011, submissions slowed down, and I wondered if perhaps I’d need to take a new direction with the blog.

In February, however that all changed, and posts started coming in so frequently that I was able to publish one per day, and oftentimes had to ask people to hold off on submitting so that I could catch up.

That has remained steady all year, and I’m excited to see that countless insightful, helpful, loving conversations have unfolded in the comments, some which included me and others that did not.

Tiny Buddha is what it is because people are willing to be honest about their experiences, and in doing so help others and let them know they are not alone. If you haven’t already, I hope you’ll contribute a post in 2012!

I have learned so much for everyone who has shared themselves here. So here are the top 10 insights of 2011 (based on page views and comments):

1. Anyone can be a hero.

I wrote this tiny post, Choose to Be a Hero, after hearing Dr. Phil Zimbardo speak. His research has revealed that we all have the potential for good and bad, and it’s largely influenced by our situations.

So what exactly makes a hero? Simply put, a hero is someone who chooses not to watch and wait in the face of a crisis. You don’t need to save someone from impending death to be a hero. You just need to speak up when your instincts tell you someone is being mistreated. The world is a better place when we all look out for each other.

2. We can choose to decrease our pain by letting go.

I wrote the post 40 Ways to Let Go and Feel Less Pain in 2009—and it remains one of the top three most visited posts on the site. It offers 40 things we can do, right now, to help ourselves let go frustration, bitterness, stress, and even past relationships.

We can’t change that life involves pain, but we get to choose what we do from moment to moment—and we can always choose to do something that helps us live peacefully in the now.

3. It’s okay to walk away from something that hurts you.

Kelly Reynold’s post Knowing When to Walk Away from Unrequited Love struck a nerve with a lot of us. It’s never easy or simple to move on when we feel attached to a person or a relationship we hoped would be, but sometimes it’s the best thing for us.

As Kelly wrote, “Loyalty and commitment teach us that we are not to walk away from people that we love…But if your relationship, be it friendship or romantic love, is unbalanced and one person is hurting, how much is enough? How many pieces are supposed to break and how damaged can we allow ourselves to get before we…accept that this type of love isn’t healthy?”

From there she suggested “Love and relationships require work and responsibility. We have to learn when to stretch and when to break.”

4. Learning to complain less can make us happier.

Lauren Stewart offered 10 concrete things we can do to minimize the urge to complain, from regular venting to practicing gratitude. I suspect this one resonated so strongly because complaining can feel instinctive, and yet it’s highly unproductive. It can also leave us feeling negative and depleted—but fortunately, there is another way.

5. We can deal with anger most effectively when we resist the urge to immediately act on it.

Earlier this year, when a reader sent me an email attacking my character, I decided to create a healthy roadmap for dealing with anger. I outlined 20 things we can do to deal with anger, encompassing sitting with it, exploring it, responding from a place of calm, and then learning from it to make positive changes in the future.

6. Criticism can actually have benefits—25 of them to be exact!

Since Tiny Buddha has received more attention this year, I have received more criticism—some constructive, and some, not so much. I decided to focus on the benefits of receiving criticism, and compiled them in the post How to Handle Criticism Well: 25 Reasons to Embrace It.

7. Peace is often a matter of asking ourselves the right questions.

Lynn Zavaro contributed more than a dozen posts this year, the most popular of which was 6 Questions That Will Make You Feel Peaceful and Complete. The first, a three-part question: What if there was nothing I needed to fix in me? What if there was nothing I needed to change?  What if I was perfect just the way I am now?

8. We have more to appreciate than we may often realize.

At the start of the year, Celestine Chua compiled a list of 60 Things to Be Grateful for in Life. Some of them are things we occasionally take for granted—like our senses and our legs. Others are somewhat unexpected, like disappointment and fears. All remind us to look around and realize we’re fortunate, even on the days when we struggle.

9. We can let go of fear if we stop the stories in our heads.

Sometimes we start making comparisons in our mind, and that leads to a host of unhealthy, fear-based choices. In her brave post Let Go of Fear by Stopping the Stories in Your Head, Angela Gunn shared how her internal stories can lead her to shopping, overeating, and mindlessly surfing the web and watching television, and also offered a few tips to take control of our minds and our suffering.

10. We always have the choice to reinvent ourselves.

If you ever feel stuck or trapped in your life, know that you can consciously choose to reinvent yourself and your reality. The future does not have to create you—you create the future. That was Melissa Kirk’s message in the post 5 Steps to Reinvent Yourself. We have a say about who we become, and it starts with what we choose to do.

The Giveaway

To celebrate the New Year—and another year of Tiny Buddha—I’d like to give away 3 autographed copies of my book, Tiny Buddha: Simple Wisdom for Life’s Hard Questions. You can enter the giveaway by:

1. Leave a comment noting what you’d like to see from tinybuddha.com in 2012.

2. Tweet: RT @tinybuddha Tiny Buddha Book GIVEAWAY & Top 10 Insights of 2011 http://bit.ly/uxmKxS

If you don’t have a Twitter account, you can still enter by completing the first step. You can enter until midnight PST on Monday, January 2^nd.

For 2012

I have some big plans for 2012, including some plans to expand the site, and I’m hoping to also create some mutually beneficial partnerships. Specifically, I’d like to create some tools, apps, and products related to peace and mindfulness.

If you are a developer or a distributor interested in partnering with Tiny Buddha, please contact me at email(AT)tinybuddha(DOT)com with a specific idea. I look forward to connecting with you!

And lastly, a request: If you have already read my book, Tiny Buddha, Simple Wisdom for Life’s Hard Questions, will you please leave me a review on Amazon.com? Those reviews make a big difference when potential readers are deciding whether or not to purchase. I would appreciate your support.

Wishing you a peaceful, healthy, happy 2012 friends!

Photo by brockamer

by Lori Deschene

Note: The winners for this giveaway have been chosen. Subscribe to Tiny Buddha for free daily or weekly emails and to learn about future giveaways!

The Winners:

• Beth
• Grandpa Mike

Growing up, I was a black-and-white thinker—it was always all or nothing. This way of being rarely served me well when it came to healthy habits, because the little things really do all add up; and usually, something is better than nothing.

This is what I most appreciated about Patricia Monaghan’s book, Meditation – The Complete Guide (recently revised and celebrating its 10^th anniversary). It’s not a book that lays out a specific, rigid system entailing an hour of consistent daily practice.

It’s a book that explores 50 different ideas to help us live more fully in the present, including a few that may surprise you.

From New World Library:

An easy-to-use self-test on personal habits and preferences directs readers to choose a practice to fit their tastes and circumstances. The authors describe all the major forms of Eastern and Western religious practice—from Christianity, Judaism, and Islam to the traditions of India, Japan, China, and Tibet.

Readers can explore techniques derived from Asian and African customs or meditations simply found in life practices such as sports, gardening, and creative arts. Meditation – The Complete Guide is designed for all readers, from the beginning meditator to the healing professional, with chapters on practices to heal physically, emotionally, and mentally.

The Giveaway:

To enter to win 1 of 2 free copies of Meditation – The Complete Guide:

• Leave a comment below
• Tweet: RT @tinybuddha Book Giveaway & Interview: Meditation – The Complete Guide http://bit.ly/rA8af0

If you don’t have a Twitter account, you can still enter by completing the first step. You can enter until midnight PST on Sunday, December 18^th.

The Interview:

1. What motivated you to write this book?

When the American Medical Association accepted meditation as a treatment for hypertension, insomnia, and chronic pain, my co-author and I became aware that many people attempt meditation but then give up.

In many cases, they attempted a practice that was the wrong “fit” for them for religious, physical or other reasons. We began gathering information about multiple forms of meditation for such people and then found the information could enrich even those who already have a favored meditative practice.

2. You explore 50 different meditation practices in your book and you’ve included a quiz to help people identify their ideal meditation style. How did you discover which meditation style works best for you?

First, become aware of the many options. Select one or two practices that seem appropriate to your needs, desires and lifestyle. Then practice for awhile. Learning to meditate takes time, so don’t give up after a week or even a month.

After a few months of practice, you should look forward to meditating. If you procrastinate about meditating, try another form.

3. You included some practices that aren’t commonly considered meditation, such as journal writing. How do you define meditation?

A practice, which may be religious or secular, that centers you in the immediate, the present moment. A practice that quiets the busy mind. A practice that allows you to detach from striving for a time and center yourself in something beyond your ego. There are other ways to define meditation, but these are found in most meditative practices.

4. Have you found that people often shy away from meditation solely because they had a less than ideal experience with one particular style?

Absolutely! The typical meditation drop-out enrolled in a class just called “meditation” and then decided it “didn’t work for me” or that “I just can’t meditate.” This often happens when the teacher is adamant that there is only one way to meditate—after defining meditation in a way that, indeed, only their way fits! Anyone can meditate.

5. What other factors do you think contribute to the hesitancy to start a mediation practice?

Some people fear that meditation means practicing another religion. For instance, some Christian preachers discourage the practice of yoga because it descends from Hindu (and even pre-Hindu) Indian religion, although it is perfectly possible to practice hatha yoga without worshiping Shiva and Kali.

Others feel that meditation involves extremely rigorous rules that they might feel inadequate to follow. Yet many forms of meditation are somewhat flexible in practice.

Finally, people might feel that they must be physically very fit to engage in meditative practice; they are usually thinking of yoga or another movement meditation. Yet even such practices can be adapted for those who have physical limitations.

6. Why is so important to incorporate meditation into our lives?

Modern life is fast and loud. Meditation is slow and quiet. We need the balance of meditation!

7. Is Meditation: The Complete Guide a book for beginners, or can this book also help more advanced practitioners deepen their practice?

Beginners certainly will find the book useful. But I would not be so bold as to say that advanced practitioners can deepen their practice from the short introductions to each tradition that we provide.

However, they will find the philosophical background and the extensive resource lists useful.  And even advanced practitioners will find other options that they had not fully considered—for we are all beginners at some things, even when advanced in other ways.

8. What tips would you offer someone who is new to meditation?

Meditation is not a theory. It’s a practice. Find one or two forms of meditation and try them out for six months, and then re-evaluate. If you don’t feel they are the most suitable, try another form.

Also: most people can find 15 minutes a day to practice. Few can find an hour. Don’t set yourself up by promising to meditate for a long time every day. Constant regular practice is the goal.

Learn more about Meditation – The Complete Guide on Amazon.

FTC Disclosure: I receive complimentary books for reviews and interviews on tinybuddha.com, but I am not compensated for writing or obligated to write anything specific. I am an Amazon affiliate, meaning I earn a percentage of all books purchased through the links I provide on this site.

by Lori Deschene

Update: The winners for this giveaway have already been chosen. Subscribe to Tiny Buddha for free daily or weekly emails and to learn about future giveaways!

The Winners:

• Adam Ertur
• James Cuzella

I read a lot of books about mindfulness; this was by far one of my favorites. In his book Just One Thing: Developing a Buddha Brain One Simple Practice at a Time, Rick Hanson offers practical, daily practices, backed by the latest in brain research, to help us avoid stress, improve our mood, enjoy life more fully, and develop emotional resilience.

This is not merely a book of mindfulness exercises; it’s a guide that helps us rewire our brains for increased happiness and overall well-being. I highly recommend Just One Thing to anyone who’s felt overwhelmed by disempowering, negative thoughts.

The Giveaway

To enter to win 1 of 2 free copies of Just One Thing:

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The Interview

1. Your work is based on the idea that meditation and mindfulness can change the brain. Can you expand on this?

Actually, I’d put this a little more broadly: my work—and that of many other scholars and clinicians—is grounded in the general fact of “experience-dependent neuroplasticity,” which is the capacity of mental activity to change neural structure.

For example, researchers studied cab drivers who must memorize London’s spaghetti snarl of streets, and at the end of their training their hippocampus—a part of the brain that makes visual-spatial memories—had become thicker: much like exercise, they worked a particular “muscle” in their brain, which built new connections among its neurons.

Similarly, another study found that long-term mindfulness meditators had thicker cortex in parts of the brain that control attention and tune into one’s body.

In the saying from the work of the Canadian psychologist, Donald Hebb: “neurons that fire together, wire together.”

Fleeting thoughts and feelings leave lasting traces in neural structure. Whatever we stimulate in the brain tends to grow stronger over time.

A traditional saying is that the mind takes the shape it rests upon. The modern update would be that the brain takes its shape from whatever the mind rests upon—for better or worse. The brain is continually changing its structure. The only questions are: Who is doing the changing: oneself or other forces? And are these changes for the better?

In this larger context, my focus is on how to apply these new scientific findings: how to use the mind to change the brain to change the mind for the better—for psychological healing, personal growth, and (if it’s of interest) deepening spiritual practice. I’m especially interested in:

• How the brain has been shaped by evolution, giving us problematic tendencies toward greed, hatred, heartache, and delusion (using traditional terms) as well as wonderful capacities for happiness, peace, love, and wisdom. For example, we have a brain that makes us very vulnerable to feeling anxious, helpless, possessive, fixated on short-term rewards, angry, and aggressive. These qualities helped our ancestors survive and pass on their genes, but today they lead to much unnecessary suffering and conflict on both personal and global scales.

• “Neurologizing” the deep Buddhist analysis of the mind: what is going on inside the brain when a person is caught in the craving that leads to suffering? Alternately, what is happening in the brain when a person is experiencing equanimity, lovingkindness, meditative absorption, or liberating insight?

• Using neurologically-informed methods to help overcome our ancient inclinations to fear, dehumanize, exploit, and attack “them” so that 7 billion of us can live in peace with each other on our fragile planet.

In sum, this brain stuff can sound exotic or esoteric, but in essence the approach is simple: find the neural processes that underlie negative mental factors, and reduce them; meanwhile, find the neural processes that underlie positive mental factors, and increase them. Less bad and more good—based on neuroscience and Western psychology, and informed by contemplative wisdom.

Of course, much is not yet known about the brain, so this approach is necessarily an exploration. But if we remain modest about what we don’t know, there are still many plausible connections between the mind and the brain, and many opportunities for skillful intervention for ourselves, for our children and others we care for, and for humankind as a whole.

2. Can anyone develop a “buddha brain,” even people struggling with mental illness or depression?

Definitely!

First, a “buddha brain” is simply one that knows how to be truly happy in the face of life’s inescapable ups and downs. (I don’t capitalize the word “buddha” here to focus on the original nature of the word—which is “to know, to see clearly”—to distinguish my general meaning from the specific historical individual known as The Buddha.)

The possibility of this kind of brain is inherent in the human brain that we all share; any human brain can become a buddha brain. Therefore, a buddha brain is for everyone, whatever their religious orientation (including none at all).

Second, we all must begin the path wherever we are—whether that’s everyday stress and frustration, mental illness, anxiety, sorrow and loss, or depression. In any moment when we step back from our experience and hold it in mindful awareness, or when we begin to let go of negative feelings and factors, or when we gradually turn toward and cultivate positive feelings and factors…then we are taking a step toward developing a buddha brain.

Each small step matters. It was usually lots of small steps that took a person to a bad place, and it will be lots of small steps that take him or her to a better one.

Third, mental anguish or dysfunction can help us grow. They teach us a lot about how the mind works, they can deepen compassion for the troubles and sorrows of others, and, frankly, they can be very motivating.

Personally, the times in my life when I have been most intent on taking my own steps toward a buddha brain have been either when I was really feeling blue—and needed to figure out how to get out of the hole I was in—or when I was feeling really good, and could still sense that there had to be more to life than this, and more profound possibilities for awakening.

 3. I recently quoted you in a short post about negativity bias. You wrote, “The brain is like Velcro for negative experiences and Teflon for positives ones.” Can you explain this in more detail?

As the brain evolved, it was critically important to learn from negative experiences—if one survived them! “Once burned, twice shy.” So the brain has specialized circuits that register negative experiences immediately in emotional memory.

On the other hand, positive experiences—unless they are very novel or intense—have standard issue memory systems, and these require that something be held in awareness for many seconds in a row to transfer from short-term memory buffers to long-term storage.

Since we rarely do this, most positive experiences flow through the brain like water through a sieve, while negative ones are caught every time. Thus my metaphor of Velcro and Teflon—an example of what scientists call the “negativity bias” of the brain.

The effects include: a growing sensitivity to stress, upset, and other negative experiences; a tendency toward pessimism, regret, and resentment; and a long shadows cast by old pain.

4. What is one practice we can adopt in our everyday lives to overcome our negativity bias?

Several times a day, take in the good by really savoring a positive experience for 10-20 seconds or more. (For free, you can see lots more about this method at my website, www.RickHanson.net, and the second chapter of Just One Thing is about this.)

Over time, much as repeated negative experiences make the brain more sensitive to them, I believe that repeatedly savoring positive experiences can train your brain to internalize them increasingly rapidly—in effect, making your brain like Velcro for the positive and Teflon for the negative.

5. What is one of the most effective practices for instant stress relief?

How about not one, but three:

• Activate the parasympathetic wing of your nervous system by taking several long exhalations, at least twice as long as your inhalation.

•Notice that you are actually basically alright right now. Not perfect, but basically OK.

• Bring to mind the felt sense of being with someone who loves you.

6. You say that the brain has powerful, natural capacities toward intimacy. What, then, do you believe causes some of us to isolate ourselves or feel alone?

Many reasons. Sometimes the longing for closeness led to pain in the past, or we saw this happen to others, or we simply worried that it could happen to us.

The trick now is to risk the dreaded experiences related to intimacy in thoughtful, appropriate ways that are likely to succeed. Then, when things go well (as they usually do), really take in the good of this experience, to help your brain gradually learn that it is OK to get closer to others.

7. You’ve said that love and compassion can combat anxiety. How do they do that—and how can we access those feelings more readily, particularly when we feel threatened?

“Off-line,” when you do not feel threatened, deepen the sense of feeling connected by routinely taking in experiences of feeling cared about. Then, at times you do feel threatened or anxious, call up the body sense of feeling cared about. Stay strong with this, being a good friend to yourself, helping your mind stay focused on the sense of having allies, being part of a group, feeling included, liked, and loved.

8. If someone was to adopt just one of daily practice to foster a buddha brain which would you recommend?

Taking in the good. I’ve been doing practices for 35 years (I’ve had a lot to practice with!), and this is my all-time favorite practice. I use it every day.

Learn more about Just One Thing: Developing a Buddha Brain One Simple Practice at a Time on Amazon.

FTC Disclosure: I receive complimentary books for reviews and interviews on tinybuddha.com, but I am not compensated for writing or obligated to write anything specific. I am an Amazon affiliate, meaning I earn a percentage of all books purchased through the links I provide on this site.