Tiny Buddha: Wisdom Quotes, Letting Go, Letting Happiness In

Editor’s Note: This is a contribution by Susanne von Borcke

“The closest to being in control we’ll ever be is in that moment when we realize we’re not.” ~Brian Kessler

My 9-year-old son said something so profoundly right that it kept me awake. He said that in order for him to be happier I would need to let go of controlling him all the time.

Now granted he is young, and believe me, if I didn’t tell him to get dressed he’d run outside in PJs, but I was struck by his wisdom because this is also my obstacle to becoming happier.

In the past, the more I felt out of control, the more I tried to control others. We moved many times, sometimes to different continents for my husband’s job. We had children, and not all of them planned.

My husband and I drifted apart over the years, realizing we are very different and have completely diverging core values. I became sick with an eating disorder, a scary and tricky disease.

I felt overwhelmed, scared, alone, and lost. This is where the controlling mind came to rescue and took over. In time, my eating disorder became stronger than me, and yet also a familiar friend.

I tried to control both my eating and my body—and also the lives of everyone around me.

The emptier my marriage felt, the more I tried and control my husband’s behavior at home. The more I felt overwhelmed with my job as a mother, the more I structured my kids’ activities, often making them do things they didn’t want to do. Needless to say that didn’t help to foster my relationships with them.

I tried to control every aspect of their lives. Whether it was the lunches that needed to be made with a specific type of bread, or the homework having to be done at this time of the day, or the decision of which movie to watch, I told them how to do it and had a hard time letting them make their own choices.

I was hardly ever wrong—at least I didn’t think so. I thought control equals security equals happiness, up until the day when I took a close look at my life and found that nobody around me was smiling anymore.

They were miserable. They lit up when their Dad came home because he did things with them that were fun and, best of all they never knew what would happen with him. With me they could foresee everything, and the routines were never fun or joyful. Click Here to Read More…

Editor’s Note: This is a contribution by Harriet Cabelly

“In the long run, we shape our lives, and we shape ourselves. The process never ends until we die.  And the choices we make are ultimately our own responsibility.”  ~Eleanor Roosevelt

“They” say things happen at the “right” time. For me hearing a presentation, live, by Jack Canfield, came at the perfect time.

I was in San Diego, the traveling babysitter for my precious 5-month old granddaughter, while my daughter attended a nutrition conference. It was an all around win-win situation—a new place to sightsee and of course spend quality (alone) time with baby Rachel and daughter Penina.

When I found out Jack Canfield was the final key speaker, I jumped at the chance to attend. And the topic certainly resonated with me—“getting from where you are to where you want to be.” Now how’s that for someone in transition working to carve out a new path!

There were a lot of takeaways, fabulous ideas to hold onto; so much so that I’ve been carrying around his book, The Success Principles, and studying it since I got home.

One thing that really speaks to me is this idea of taking 100% responsibility for one’s life.

As a society, we are so quick to assign blame and pull out all the excuses as to why something did or did not happen.

All the “He made me, she made me….” finger pointing. There’s a reason why “the dog ate it” became such a classic excuse.

We relinquish all power when we go there. Where are we in this? I know that by nature many of us are passive recipients of life and are at the mercy of what befalls us.

In my workshops with parents on teaching responsibility, many are stuck or love acting in their role as helicopter parents, swooping down to save, rescue, and do all for their kids—all under the guise of, “The more I do for my child, the better parent I am.”

And therefore what are we teaching our kids when they come in to class and tell the teacher, “My mom forgot to pack my lunch”?

Then there’s the parent who comes ranting to school, “Don’t suspend my little Stevie for calling Andy names and hitting him in the playground; his sister does that to him at home, it’s no big deal.”

We are facilitating the perpetuation of an entitled breed of human beings.

In my practice as a therapist, clients would talk for years about being stuck because of what their dysfunctional nuclear families did to them.  “My mother did this, my father that…”

And then of course there’s me. What comes all too naturally for me is my quick ability to find fault with others, to pass judgment and criticize.

Who is to blame—why, my mother of course, queen of “judgmentalism.” I fight against these tendencies constantly.  But they do rear their ugly head often enough.  I guess it’s in my bloodstream. I’m aware of it; I work at it. I know where it comes from; therefore that explains it but it certainly does not excuse it.

This is my problem, my issue. What matters is how I handle it and work to respond differently—to catch myself while it’s doing its internal dance before it parts from my lips.  Click Here to Read More…

Editor’s Note: This is a contribution by Melanie Reno

“There is more to life than increasing its speed.” ~Gandhi

The next time I feel it urgent to text someone off Craigslist after 11pm, I may think twice.

I was obsessed with attaining the body of a fitness model. I had recently been laid off and when life gets tough, I go to work—on my abs. It’s hard to accept that I can’t sweat away my troubles or make my problems magically disappear by tightening my thighs.

I tend to be a little high-strung, and excessive exercise helps me cope. Or, it possibly just adds more fuel to the fire. Whichever it is, during this particular fitness frenzy I found myself at a Starbucks near LAX waiting for the Craigslist seller I texted the night before. He had what I needed, and at half the price.

I have since learned that when you say, “Let’s meet at that Starbucks by the airport,” both parties need to be very specific about which one “that” is.

I’ve heard stories where one person is at this Starbucks while the other is at the store two blocks down, but I never considered the possibility of mixing up three locations.

I got to the first Starbucks and looked for my seller. He said he’d be wearing a black jacket. I told him I’d be wearing workout clothes, as I’d be coming straight from my Barry’s Bootcamp class in West Hollywood. He didn’t need to know this, but I tend to give out unnecessary details.

When I opened the door to enter the Starbucks, it was the type of entry that brings with it a gust of wind – blowing everyone’s hair and rustling their papers. Since all eyes were now glaring at me, it was hard to tell who was looking because they were selling and who was just pissed off.

I felt one man looking longer in my direction than the others. I walked up to him and whispered, “Are you the guy with the P90X?” He paused for a moment and then laughed, “No, I’m not.”

If I had asked someone in, oh I don’t know, Minnesota for P90X, they would probably call the cops. In L.A., the familiarity obviously skewed high. This man knew right off that I was referring to Tony Horton’s 90-Day Extreme Home Fitness Workout DVD Program, and not a new blend of Ecstasy.

I realized what I must have looked like to that man in my gym clothes trying to score P90X from the streets. I appeared to be an obsessive fitness fiend! I was feeling pretty embarrassed when I got a text from my seller: “Running 15 minutes late. Sorry.” Click Here to Read More…

Editor’s Note: This is a contribution by Daniel A. Miller

“Always be mindful of the kindness and not the faults of others” ~Buddha

In these hectic and often chaotic times, for most people (controllers included), the need for intimate, close bonds with friends and family is more important than ever for their overall well-being.

Yet, most controllers are unaware of how much their controlling actions prevent intimacy.

Losing Intimacy with My Son

Twenty years ago I was a massive, obsessive controller. I firmly believed that the best way to satisfy my needs and achieve what I wanted in life was by controlling everything and everyone. At home, Father truly knew best! I knew what was best for my children—and didn’t hesitate to let them know.

When my son Brandon was a child, I constantly offered my two cents on almost everything he did, thinking it would help him better traverse life’s many challenges. When he was young, he had no choice but to put up with my intrusions.

In his teens, however, he became very dismissive of me—he didn’t want to hear anymore from me, and he strongly let me know it.

Our bond remained strained until I was literally brought to my knees by a rapid-fire series of traumatic events (concluding with 5 major cancer surgeries). At that point, I no longer had the desire or energy to continue intruding upon his life.

Because I no longer offered him my opinions or advice, Brandon began seeking my input on important challenges he faced as a young adult.

Hence, the very thing I had sought—intimacy—came to me only after I stopped trying to seek it! Click Here to Read More…

Editor’s Note: This is a contribution by Kathryn Britt

“Being right is highly overrated. Even a stopped clock is right twice a day.” ~ Unknown

I’ve always been a control freak. But I’ve learned to control it!

I was born with the ability to quickly envision the most efficient way through a task, activity, project, problem, puzzle, or challenge. This has made me useful to many people, especially in my workplaces.

But it can make people crazy, too. Especially when I’ve expected others to buy into the approach I knew would work best, fastest, most efficiently.

My partner sometimes reminds me, “It doesn’t always have to be about being efficient!”

I was never good at delegating. I’d rather get the job done right. If I delegate a task to somebody else, it won’t be done the “best” way, will it! I’ll probably end up re-doing it anyway, right?

I have always strived for perfection. “Anything worth doing is worth doing right.” That phrase was nurtured into me as a child. It’s a good philosophy, but sometimes I’ve taken it too far.

Yes, it has affected relationships. Debating about my partner’s housekeeping style. Often being bossy. Being controlling. Wanting things my own way. Commenting about how others were doing things. “Hey, I know a way that would work better…” Sigh.

I always thought I was being helpful!

It turns out I really wasn’t, not always, not for some people. I finally began to understand that some people found my controlling persona annoying. Click Here to Read More…

Editor’s Note: This is a contribution by Dr. Amy Johnson

“If we are facing in the right direction, all we have to do is keep on walking.” ~Proverb

I’ve noticed that things go much more smoothly when I give up control—when I allow them to happen instead of making them happen. Unfortunately, I’m terrible at this.

Although I’m much better than I used to be, I’m a bit of a control freak. I often use perfectly good energy trying to plan, predict, and prevent things that I cannot possibly plan, predict, or prevent.

For example, I wonder if my baby is going to get a proper nap when we travel and, if not, just how crabby she might be. I think through her travel and napping patterns, attempting to figure out exactly what we’re up against, as if her sleep is something I can control.

I also think about the weather a lot when out-of-town guests are visiting. I spend my already-limited time planning for every possible weather/mood combination when considering our itinerary.

Like most humans I know, I spend a lot of time in business that’s not mine. The baby’s business, my friends’ business, Mother Nature’s business.

As a recovering control freak, there are three things I know for sure about trying to control things: Click Here to Read More…

Editor’s Note: This is a contribution by Tory Syracuse

“Beware the barrenness of a busy life.” ~Socrates

Last night, I was telling my husband that I had spent several hours teaching myself the very basics of HTML code in order to edit my blog’s layout precisely according to my vision for it.

I had actually enjoyed the time I spent on this puzzle, but nevertheless commented to him that I couldn’t help but resent wasting some of my day off clicking away in front of the computer screen.

“Why?” he asked. “You enjoyed it, right?”

Yes, I replied, it was fun delve into something new, and fascinating to glimpse the buried inner workings of the virtual world, but still….

“Right, so you spent some time in the flow, working on something and losing track of time, and now you know a little bit more about how the world works than you did before. How can that possibly be wasted time?”

How true. I had wanted even my day off to be productively idle, to serve some function, even if that function was pure relaxation. But I actually felt more fulfilled by doing something new, something I never would have expected to become interested in.

Not only did I have the idle time to delve into this, but I allowed myself to use that idle time in that particular way—to float off into exploration until before I knew it, I had been reading forums and scrolling through code for three hours.

When I realized this, my first impulse was to think of it as something negative—wasted time! But was it really? Click Here to Read More…

Editor’s Note: This is a contribution by Fred Tracy

“If you focus on results, you will never change. If you focus on change, you will get results.” ~Jack Dixon

Living without flexibility in the way we act and see the world leaves us at a severe disadvantage.

I always wanted to be one of those people with incredible drive. The kind of people who don’t take no for an answer. As I became more and more like my ideal, I learned that trying to control everything just doesn’t pan out in the long run.

Real power comes from flexibility, not rigidity. Let me explain.

This fact is well known in the martial arts. Have you ever heard of Jiu Jitsu? It’s based entirely around reacting to your opponent. You use their force against them. Rather than facing them head on, you react to your opponent in a way that brings about the best result. Dealing with life is a lot like that.

No matter who you are, you’ll have a lot of things happen to you. Some will be good, and some will be bad. The sensei of life knows that flexibility in thinking and action is what brings true happiness. After all, the only constant in life is change.

Goals are good, but trying to constantly force your will is not only exhausting, but excruciatingly futile.

I’ve been thinking a lot about how to become more flexible in my approach to life. I’ve had some discoveries that I’d like to share here. Click Here to Read More…

Editor’s note: this is a guest contribution by Declan O’Flaherty

“The more light you allow within you, the brighter the world you live in will be.” ~Shakti

Does your life just happen to you?

Would it be safe to suggest that a lot of people wake up each morning, shower, get dressed, eat breakfast, go to work, come home, eat dinner, watch television, go to bed, and repeat the same course of events Monday through Friday without ever being fully conscious of what they’re doing?

The list of events listed above may differ for some people but the point is still the same. Does life just happen to you, or do you consciously plan your days ahead?

Do you live your life on automatic pilot for the most part?

Take an inventory of your daily routines and ask yourself if you are in the same situation emotionally and physically as you were last month, year, or even decade.

It’s very easy to dismiss such a notion of being on auto pilot for a large portion of your life. But if you don’t consciously create your desired outcome for a prosperous, successful, and happy life, then you are not living up to your true potential.

I know we all have certain responsibilities we must attend to on a daily basis, and I am certainly not suggesting we ignore our responsibilities and go chasing our dreams without attending to these first. What I am saying though, is you also have a responsibility to yourself.

The question you need to ask is whether or not you would respect the decisions you have made in life if nothing had changed in the next 10, 20, or 30 years. No doubt your life will be different in 30 years–but will it be from you taking control or because life just changed (as it does) and you coasted along on automatic pilot.

I have met many people who are not living up to even close to what they are capable of. The worse thing is that they don’t make any effort whatsoever to change their circumstances. They obviously want to have a better life, but it’s as if they’re hoping things will magically get better for them further down the line.

There are also a lot of people who convince themselves that life is so hard and that good things only happen to a select group of people, or that some people are just lucky and life favors some and not others. Fortunately this is not the case at all.

We are all the masters of our own destiny, and if you put the work in you will undoubtedly see positive results. Click Here to Read More…

by Genny Ross-Barons

“Why worry about things you can’t control when you can keep yourself busy controlling the things that depend on you?” ~Unknown

I celebrated an anniversary recently. It was the night I experienced my first, and hopefully last, earthquake.

My husband and I had retired for the evening as usual—said our goodnights and went to sleep. I was jarred awake at 2:30 AM by him trying to pull me from our bed. At the same moment I heard the most deafening roar. Could a freight train be barrelling through our loft?

Our attempts to escape the upper level were hampered by the violent shaking. As we stepped forward we were propelled side-to-side.  We were being tossed like rag-dolls as we scrambled down the stairs, only to be greeted by the sound of glass objects smashing from below.

Skirting around the shards of broken stemware, we fumbled with the house keys and made our escape to the front porch. The same instant that we arrived outside, the 7.3 earthquake stopped as abruptly as it had started.

We were fortunate that our home did not collapse on top of us, that in our community there was no loss of life, and the tsunami that we were warned about never materialized.

Although we were lucky and it only lasted sixty seconds, I put earthquakes at the top of my list of things I never want to experience again.

So why celebrate the anniversary of such an event? Click Here to Read More…

by Lori Deschene

“Why worry about things you can’t control when you can keep yourself busy controlling the things that depend on you?” ~Unknown

CNN reports that psychic businesses are thriving in this challenging economy—and the clientele has expanded to include more business professionals who are worried about their financial future. According to Columbia Business School’s Professor Gita Johar who studies consumer behavior, the greatest motivation for visiting a psychic is to feel a sense of control.

Sure, there are lots of things we can’t control: businesses may fold, stocks may plummet, relationships may end–the list is infinite, really. But wouldn’t we be far more effective if we focused on all things we can control instead; if we stopped worrying about the indefinite and started benefiting from the guaranteed? Click Here to Read More…

by Lori Deschene

“Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you respond to it.” -Charles Swindoll

One day everything seems great in your world; maybe not perfect, but overall things are going to plan. And then something happens.

You lose your job. Or someone you love. Or your home. Or maybe even your health.

It isn’t fair. You don’t deserve it. You didn’t see it coming. You didn’t plan for it. You have so many feelings and frustrations you don’t know what to do first–or if you want to do anything at all.

It would be easier to sit around feeling bad. Looking for people to blame and complain to. Rehashing what you could have done to make things happen differently. Or what you would have done if you only realized before. Or what other people should have done to help you.

All great options if you want to maximize your misery and feel justified in doing it. Not so great if what you want is to deal and move on.

You have to do this eventually when something bad happens; and the faster you do it, the sooner you’ll improve your situation.

There is no shortage of opportunities to practice dealing well. If you’d like to work on improving the 90% of life that is how you respond, you may find these tips helpful: Click Here to Read More…