Tiny Buddha: Wisdom Quotes, Letting Go, Letting Happiness In

Editor’s Note: This is a contribution by Ana S.

“Why worry about things you can’t control when you can keep yourself busy controlling the things that depend on you?” ~Unknown

Relationships end; everyone knows that. The tough part is actually dealing with suffering, accepting, letting go, moving on, and processing a whole lot of other feelings at the same time.

Six months ago my ex-boyfriend decided to end our relationship because he couldn’t forgive me for a mistake I made.

During the first weeks of our break up I decided that it would be best if I just gave him some time to think things out.  I accepted the consequences of my error and decided not to pressure him.

I knew it was my fault we were in this mess, and he was suffering from my wrongdoing (which didn’t involve infidelity).

After a month we saw each other again, and he told me that he could not forgive me for what I did—that my mistake meant that I didn’t love him and had never loved him throughout our three years together.

I asked for forgiveness. I asked for a second chance. He told me he couldn’t trust me anymore and couldn’t risk getting hurt again. I accepted his decision, and started moving on with my life.

Two months passed, and one night he called me. He told me that he missed me terribly and wanted to see me. The next day we went to Starbucks.

He told me he couldn’t stop thinking about me, that he compared every woman with me, and that he wanted to give “us” a second chance. But then he told me he was too scared to fully commit to me and that he wasn’t sure what he wanted. Click Here to Read More…

Editor’s Note: This is a contribution by C. De Lima

“Uncertainty is the only certainty there is, and knowing how to live with insecurity is the only security.” ~John Allen Paulos

Over the past ten years, I always had a man by my side. I was always in a relationship.

I was in a relationship for eight years before my ex and I got engaged, then broke it off because of the distance—my ex’s reason. Not long after that I got into a two-year relationship with a man who loved, yet cheated on me. It was a messy break up.

So after ten years in relationships, I found myself alone.

I’m 31 and single!

Recently some questions have bounced around in mind: What happened to me during those years? What did I get, gain, achieve in these two relationships? Why am I now alone? What will I do? How do I do things by myself?

Now what? Where to start?

I started to panic, to hyperventilate—until I found this quote:

“Single is not a status. It is a word that describes a person who is strong enough to live and enjoy life without depending on others.”

Yes I am scared. I was so used to sharing everything. I was so used to having someone around.

But the reality is I am my own person, and if I can’t enjoy being single, how can I enjoy being with someone else?

So I started reading about being single, and interviewing other happy single people. Surely I wasn’t the only 31-year-old person who felt uncertain about her new singleness. I needed to find proven ways to be happy as a single adult woman.

In my research, I learned some important truths about being single: Click Here to Read More…

Editor’s Note: This is a contribution by Clay Andrews

“Man stands in his own shadow and wonders why it’s dark.” ~Zen Proverb

After my ex-girlfriend and I broke up several years ago, I never felt more alone in my life. I hung up the phone with tears streaming down my face as I stepped into my new reality.

I only had one friend in the world, who happened to live fairly far away, so most of my newfound singlehood was spent alone.

It was difficult for the first few weeks due to all the painful emotions that usually come with a break up, but after a while the pain went away.

Usually I could keep a positive attitude and project the appearance was all okay, but truth be told, I was a very lonely person back then.

Sometimes, a coworker or some acquaintance would ask if I was seeing anyone to make conversation. I told them that I was taking a break from dating for a while to heal from the break up.

However, I really had no idea how to meet people. After being in a relationship for seven years and losing touch with a lot of friends, my social skills were pretty much nonexistent. I wanted to meet people, make new friends, and date, but I really thought I was just incapable of doing it.

At one point the loneliness just overwhelmed me. I was walking down a street one night. As I was passing by a busy restaurant, I looked in the window and saw so many people at quiet, intimate tables sharing smiles and conversations over candle light.

Suddenly I just couldn’t take it any longer. My mind became flooded with all of these thoughts like “Why is it never me in there with someone else?” or “Why am I always alone? Is there something wrong with me?”

Before I know it, I was crying right there, while walking down the street.

It all just seemed so futile. What was the point of living if I didn’t have anyone to share my life with? Click Here to Read More…

Editor’s Note: This is a contribution by linnaea bohn

“There is no Love greater than Love with no object. For then you, yourself, have become love, itself.” ~Rumi

I have spent most of my life as a professional, half of that in Asia: managing a division of a company, doing long-term meditation retreats, and establishing cottage industries for impoverished refugees.

A long-term relationship was impossible since Asian men marry Asian women; European men had European wives and Asian lovers.

Along the way I thought I could give more value to the world by remaining single than being married with children.

I met a woman working at the UN who had raised a family. She suggested another scenario: there is a man who would love to join me in this endeavor.

We could raise children who also want to make a difference, thus making a bigger difference. I just had to find him.

She introduced me to a man who did want to make a difference while living in remote areas—exactly what I enjoyed. However, he wanted a wife to live in a city to raise his children, someone of the same ethnicity.

When I returned in 1998 to live in the US after 18 years in Asia, I experienced reverse culture shock. How people lived their lives (working non-stop at a job they did not like), what their priorities were (money, stuff, and power) and especially how they related to each other (networking to sell stuff, or to find a better job), was antithetical to my way of life. Click Here to Read More…

by Lori Deschene

Update: The winners for this giveaway have been chosen. Subscribe to Tiny Buddha to receive free daily or weekly emails and to learn about future giveaways!

The winners:

• happy_smileskk
• wylygirl

You know that open-hearted, safe feeling of being in the presence of someone you love and trust? Have you ever wondered if you could bottle that and feel it later, when you were alone?

What about that connected, fulfilled feeling of loving someone else passionately and unconditionally. Have you ever wondered if you could sustain that whether you were in a relationship or not?

Bestselling author Marci Shimoff (who also wrote six books in the Chicken Soup for the Soul series) explores this possibility in her new book, Love for No Reason—and it’s not just a feel-good idea. It’s backed by scientific research, and its instantly applicable thanks to Marci’s practical, specific guidance.

Love for No Reason is for anyone who wants to:

• Open their heart and become a magnet for love
• Enjoy more fulfilling relationships with others and themselves
• Turn off their body’s stress response and turn on their body’s love response for better health and well-being
• Experience more success and satisfaction
• Transform their family, community, and the world

I’m grateful that Marci took the time to answer some questions, and also that she is giving away 2 free copies of her book.

The Giveaway

To enter the giveaway:

1. Leave a comment below noting if you’ve ever felt “love for no reason,” and if so, when you felt it most recently.

2. Tweet: RT @tinybuddha GIVEAWAY and Interview: Love for No Reason http://bit.ly/yfA8bX

If you don’t have a Twitter account, you can still enter by completing the first step. You can enter until midnight PST on Friday, January 13^th.

The Interview

1. What inspired you to write Love for No Reason?

When I finished writing Happy for No Reason, I’d definitely gotten much happier. But I knew there was still something I wanted that was beyond happiness—and that something was Love.  Click Here to Read More…

Editor’s Note: This is a contribution by Jeanine Nicole

“Pursue compassion and self-awareness. Then, one day, love will tap you lightly on the shoulder and say ‘I’m here.’” ~Unknown.

The other day, I met a boy. With one glance, I was spell-bound, overtaken with that “This is the One” type feeling, the sensation they say you will have when you “just know.”

I’ve only had this feeling once before in my 25 years, and since he ended up marrying someone else, I knew this strong intuition was not always an indication of reciprocity or even truth. When I gush about a man I am “in love with,” my friend always replies: “Wow, that’s great! Does he feel the same way?”

And I’m so enraptured that I don’t really bother to consider that this love could be one-sided. Indeed, when I confronted the situation, I was crushed to find out that the giddiness I was feeling was not returned.

This moment was an invitation for me to look deeply at my tendencies to fall for others, idealize them, and give them power that belongs to my own dreams instead of theirs.

For years, I have relied on my intimate partners to be my biggest fans, believing in me when I wouldn’t or couldn’t believe in myself. But this time, I received the wake-up call that unless I have confidence in my own path, and am settled in my own truth, no one else who is whole will be attracted to my plea for them to fill in my gaps.

It is time for me to look at those missing pieces, wonder why they are there, and love them until they overflow.

Noticing my patterns of feeling strong, then suddenly needy and dependent on external reassurance, I started to examine where my self-worth really comes from. So far, it seems to be fed from the outside in.

For example, I keep a sticky note on my laptop with a list of “nice things” people say for an extra boost when I’m feeling low. A positive comment will send me soaring with confidence, while even a suspicion of a negative opinion or remark will send me spiraling into self-doubt.

It is clear that now is the time to notice these tendencies, and begin first and foremost by loving and accepting them. Since “what you resist persists,” denying or rejecting these unhealthy habits would be a sure-fire way to keep them thriving.

On the other hand, a wise friend suggested that if I go curiously into my darkness, with the intention solely to explore and learn, then transformation is more likely to occur as a symptom or side-effect of that inquiry. So I began to simply witness my thoughts without judgment.

It turns out that for days and weeks after meeting him, I couldn’t get this man out of my head. The rejection I felt was akin to what I experience after a break-up.  In those cases, it is easy to confuse the complaints of my bruised ego with an indelible attraction to this person. Click Here to Read More…

Editor’s Note: This is a contribution by Sheila Prakash

“You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” ~Buddha

During the summer, my husband and I decided to take our lovely nieces and nephew out for a day-of-fun in the city. I expected a day filled with fun, laughter, and connection; I was in store for much more—a lesson in love and truth, told by my eleven-year-old niece.

We were all at dinner and decided to play a game where one person asks a question of their choice and everyone else answers. The question “Who do you have a crush on?” arose and around the table we went.

All the kids had normal answers such as “um, Jason—no Adam—well, sometimes Chris,” “Definitely Sarah,” “I am not sure if I want to say,” and so on.

Then the question came around to one of my nieces and she answered with a big smile on her face, “Myself!”  Wow, what an answer, I thought. If only I had that kind of wisdom and self-love at that age. I was so proud and happy for her that she saw herself through such a beautiful lens.

Her answer started to make me think. How many of us have spent endless hours and years trying to find our true love, the one who will finally find us and make all that time we waited worth it—ultimately, our soul mate?

As my niece pointed out to me, could it be possible we have been searching for a connection that has been within us the whole time?

What if we took that term, soul mate, and looked at it from my sweet niece’s eyes. What would we see? Maybe we would see that a soul mate is not always someone else; it does not have to be outside of you. It could be the meeting of your soul and self within you.

Sometimes, we use so much of our time waiting and searching for someone else to fill us up and love us that we forget how much love we all already have inside that is patiently waiting to be released. We could find that missing piece if we turn inward and remember how special and beautiful we are in our core.

But, more often, we forget how to release this innate gift and fall into our own joy and divinity. We forget to connect to our power within ourselves.

When this happens, we usually end up giving our power away and allowing someone else to define us. We allow ourselves to been seen through others’ eyes, and eventually, forget what we look like through our own. Click Here to Read More…

Editor’s Note: This is a contribution by Renee Oglesbee

“I believe that every single event in life that happens is an opportunity to choose love over fear.” ~Oprah Winfrey 

Facing fear came in the form of the death of my father in 1997. He was diagnosed HIV positive and at the time, the world saw this as a death sentence, and so it was.

His goal became to find a level of peace, a level of contentment about what was happening to his body, his mind, and in his soul in preparation for leaving this life. He enlisted my help to choose when and how to die.

I made the commitment to help him die with grace and dignity, in our home. That process took five years with many ups and downs. The final letting go happened while lying next to him in his own bed.

He drew his last breath and simply let go, peacefully. “We” were successful in creating a space for his passing to be perfect for him, exactly as he chose it to be.

That was the hardest thing that life had ever “asked” me to do. The aftermath of that single event had drastically changed my life. Initially, it was not for the better, as it created in me a need to protect myself against ever feeling the pain of letting go of someone I love that much.

It has been a double-edged sword. I found myself in tremendous fear—fear of having what I want and losing it. It has been a very long journey for me. I’ve struggled to let go of the belief that if I have someone in my life who I love so completely, they will “leave.” My commitment to not feel that pain ever again has been a huge hurdle for me.

It was this year, on my 49th birthday that I “met again” the woman I believe with my whole heart I am meant to share the rest of this journey with. I say met again because she showed up in my life as a woman I have “known” for approximately 20 years. She was completely and utterly unexpected!

I have let go of the protective armor around my heart with the help of a very talented life coach. I find myself trusting that should she “leave,” I have it in me to let go with grace. I trust myself to love completely, again. In return, I attracted into my life a woman that has completely opened her heart to me.

Because I took the risk of opening up, I will now get to live with her in Wimberley, Texas, where I’ve always wanted to live.

Even more miraculous, I can now work with a mental health organization there that supports one of my greatest missions in life: to cure mental illness, not just manage the symptoms. I feel it is part of my life’s purpose to share the Ho’oponopono practice of releasing limitations—and I may not have stumbled into this specific opportunity if I didn’t learn to open my heart.

I am giving up every last shred of “security” I have worked so very hard for, to face my fears. I will not die never having lived and experienced love because of my fears.

….and this is what I know: Click Here to Read More…

Editor’s Note: This is a contribution by Hong Rui

“‘Tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all.” ~Alfred. Lord Tennyson

Certain individuals and events impact and leave their mark on us. Some feels warm and fuzzy, outright blessed, while others hit us like bullets to the heart.

I met a special someone. It was my first taste of love and I was sheepishly drunk with it. They were eyes I could look into forever, and a voice I could hear till the end of time—it was absolutely frightening.

We were colleagues. I unwittingly got involved in his life, and eventually found myself wanting to get even more involved.

After a period of ambiguous yes-no-maybes, he exited the picture for good. He never wanted to talk about it, or wanted anything to do with me again.

I was distraught, destroyed. Shot.

“Move on”

There was a cacophony of voices, concerned friends, self-help books, parental wisdom all cooing, screaming, demanding me to let it go, let him go.

They were all voices echoing the same rational advice. It is only logical to disconnect, eject, and proceed. Move on.

I couldn’t.

Not a day went by without me cross-examining myself for faults, things I should or shouldn’t have done, things I could do to fix it.

Self-help books and long runs with blaring earphones only gave a brief respite. Reason left me as soon I put the books down. My mind wandered back to the hurts when I stopped running, breathless and ever-desperate.

“Move on!!”

Why linger? It was a horrid state to be in. I really wanted to snap out of that self-absorbed paralysis, but something kept me there.

After six months of marinating in the much celebrated soup of love, loss, and lament, I finally fumbled out of it. Click Here to Read More…

by Lori Deschene

In a previous post about forgiveness, I mentioned that I spent years holding onto anger toward someone who hurt me repeatedly years ago.

I eventually realized that forgiving this person was the only way to set myself free. The resentment, bitterness, and sometimes pure rage were slowly killing me. They manifested in emotional and physical illness, constricting my life so that I was little more than the sum of my grievances and pains.

At many points, I strongly believed my emotions would consume me, bit by bit, until I was nothing but the memory of my overwhelming righteous fury.

It’s taken me years to forgive and do my part to transform this relationship because I decided that it was worth saving, but it hasn’t always been easy.

There have been times when I’ve gotten caught up in painful memories, instead of being present in the relationship as it is today. Other times, I’ve thought I’ve recognized behaviors reminiscent of the past, and struggled to set clear boundaries for myself.

Sometimes the answer is, plainly and simply, that it’s time to walk away, even if it’s a relationship with a family member. But if you choose not to for whatever reason, if you feel that this is worth fighting for, these ideas may help you stay—and stay happy—in this relationship, as it is: Click Here to Read More…

Editor’s Note: This is a contribution by Alana Mbanza

“No feeling is final.” ~Rainer Maria Rilke

I met him the last semester of college and was instantly attracted to him.  I was definitely attracted to him physically, but it was the way he sat in class with such quiet confidence and mystery that made me long to know him.

I practically drooled all over my desk whenever he spoke, but couldn’t even bring myself to say, “Hello.”  One night out, I saw him standing by the bar. I told my friend that I had a crush on him and she promptly gave me two choices: Go speak to him or, she would embarrass me. Needless to say, I chose the first option.

I don’t remember what was said when I approached him, and in the grand scheme of things I guess it’s irrelevant. We spent the entire evening together. He taught me how to tie a tie, he told me about his closeted love for Vanilla Ice, and we shared the most romantic evening I had ever experienced.

His affinity for Vanilla Ice notwithstanding, I fell in love with him that night.

We graduated only a few short months later and moved away from each other, but maintained a friendship over the years. We got together whenever time and space would allow.

Recently, I took a chance and revealed that I had romantic feelings for him. In a fairy tale-like manner, he flew across the country, and we made the decision to start dating. Everything was great—until it wasn’t, and we broke up.

Although the decision to end the relationship had been mutual, over the following months, I cycled through many feelings and emotions. One day I would tell my friends that I was “so over him,” and the next day I’d find myself flat on my back, sobbing uncontrollably, wondering where we went wrong.

Even today, I can’t say that I have fully gotten over the relationship, but there are a few things that have been helpful to me in the process. Click Here to Read More…

Editor’s Note: This is a contribution by Kayla Albert

“We need not think alike to love alike.” ~Ferenc David

Our commonalities were small, insignificant perhaps, but being in high school, we were both uninterested in comparing notes on religious beliefs or political affiliation. I appreciated his humor and he my smile, and that was the end of that—until we became bona fide adults, that is.

After a year of bliss and a few declarations of, “no, we don’t fight at all!” we began to notice the things that set us apart and the experiences that shaped us in vastly different ways.

He came from a broken family while mine was still firmly in tact; he was staunchly conservative while I leaned more to the left; I could be labeled “New Age,” while his religious upbringing was more traditional.

Firmly rooted in what I believed to be “right,” I ignored the differences in hopes that we could eventually learn to think and believe the same way.

This, as you might have guessed, never happened.

With these monumental differences laid out in front of us, we had every reason in the world to say our goodbyes and move on. But it was in our decision to stick together that we learned far more about who we were as individuals than we would have had we found carbon copies of ourselves.

We certainly didn’t think alike, but we loved alike. And in doing so we both learned some of life’s sweetest lessons. Click Here to Read More…

Editor’s Note: This is a contribution by Angelina Khoo

“To have a friend and be a friend is what makes life worthwhile.” ~Unknown

Extreme Makeover: Friendship Edition! That would be the best phrase to describe a year in the life of a cross-cultural friendship with my best friend Marisa.

This is the first deep and meaningful relationship I’ve ever had with someone who doesn’t speak a word in my own language.

My relationship with her has exposed and challenged many of my cultural beliefs and ideas about friendship.

There is nothing wrong with being influenced by culture. We all are.

But it’s good to recognize where some of our beliefs come from. Every so often we need to do little sorting through and, if need be, have a “garage sale” to get rid of things that are not relevant to our lives.

From the day that we are born, our culture begins teaching us lessons. It shapes our social behavior, conduct, and whole value system.

Oftentimes, it’s not until we encounter another culture that we realize how our culture and upbringing shaped our value system.

Before my relationship with Marisa, I had many North American values that shaped my beliefs about friendship. For example, I believed that we needed massive amounts of time together. I also believed that we needed things in common or the relationship won’t work at all.

And yes, it is true that you do need these things, but it wasn’t to the degree that I had been brought up to believe.

You see, I’ve had relationships with people in my own language where we’ve had space, time together, and similar backgrounds.

But in the short time that I’ve known Marisa, our relationship has grown faster and gone further than some of these other relationships that have had the benefits of time and space. So what is the catch?

The catch is that it’s not about how much time Marisa and I have together, but rather what we do when we have a moment together. It’s not about how full the cup is, but rather what’s in the cup—the quality and the content.

Relationships experts say that one of the secrets to keeping a relationship healthy is engagement. Click Here to Read More…

Editor’s Note: This is a contribution by Raeeka of Mindful Girl, Joyful Girl

“Practice random beauty and senseless acts of love.” ~Unknown

In our romantic relationships, we can grow comfortable.

In the first six months to a year, it’s all excitement and an adrenaline rush at the mere fantasy of skin touching, but after two years you really do have to work to keep the romance.

Life can get a little routine and formulaic. You do certain things on certain nights of the week together or apart. The love is still there, but the accelerated heart rate, weak-at-knees sensation, and feeling that your heart might explode with passion have noticeably decreased.

I recently detected this happening in my own relationship, but I’ve decided to treat it as a milestone—a positive marker for the point at which we genuinely started to work to make our relationship work.

The moment our relationship developed from a clueless hormone-loaded teenager to a fully grown, responsible adult.

Scientifically speaking, it is supposed to be physically impossible to maintain that first intensity of feeling that is experienced at the beginning of the relationship, and I do agree that it’s not sustainable permanently.

If we spent our whole lives in that state we would probably find we got very little else done, and almost certainly couldn’t survive for the period of a lifetime before we died from an adrenaline overdose.

However, there is a difference between a relationship maturing with two individuals growing comfortable with each other; and no longer making the effort to do things that make your partner’s fingers tingle and heart swell.

Here are 3 simple ways to keep that flash of young love in your relationship: Click Here to Read More…

by Lori Deschene

“The amount of happiness that you have depends on the amount of freedom you have in your heart.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

Nine years ago my heart was in a million little pieces that formed the basis for a million regrets.

I had my first serious relationship in college, when all my insecurities came to a head. My ex-boyfriend had to juggle multiple roles, from therapist to cheerleader to babysitter.

The whole relationship revolved around holding me up. I realized this soon after it ended—that I spent three years expecting someone else to love me when I didn’t love myself. The guilt and shame kept me single for almost a decade.

I dated, but it was always casual. I’d start getting close to someone and then find a way to sabotage it.

Long after I let go of the man, feelings about the relationship held me back. I was afraid of being vulnerable. I was afraid of being hurt. But mostly I was afraid of hurting someone else again and having to live with that.

If you’ve been holding onto an old relationship, now is the perfect time to let go. Here’s how you can start moving on: Click Here to Read More…