February 16, 2017 at 11:36 pm #127975
Hi there. This is my first post on here, I will try to keep it from being lengthy. I have been seeing a guy, who I met on OkCupid for about 3 years now. I am fully aware at this point I need to get out of this cycle, but am needing advice on how to do so. This guy has grown to be one of my best friends, but is financially struggling and uses that as a front for his inability to commit. He is always too busy. Sometimes he will suggest coming over, debate with me over the phone for an hour about it and decide he shouldn’t because he has work he needs to get done. I am all for a man who is a hard worker, but I feel like I am his emotional yo-yo. He has severe social anxiety.
I have tried many times to walk away from this, he has held no debate on if he feels he is giving me what he deserves – he tells me he knows he can’t and feels the stress of it on him. We part ways and I aIways am the one to go back. First a how are you doing..then an hour conversation..then the next thing I know we are in bed together. I just can’t wrap my head around the concept of being too busy for someone if you love them. He has never told me he loves me first, but we have exchanged those words twice. He tells me he can’t say he loves me because he doesn’t feel it is right since he can’t give me what I deserve. We talk on the phone for hours, and he comes over and we have amazing sex. Christmas, New Years, my birthday and Valentine’s Day all just passed and he wasn’t present for any of it. Because he has work at home to do, can barely make ends meet and is unable to afford to take me out. He is an intelligent person and is working 2 jobs — one full time and then fixing machines at home for the other one. I have been in this cycle for so long, and any time I express my feelings to him it’s either I speak up and he freaks out and has anxiety over it. Or I don’t speak up, Harbor the frustration and then when I finally speak up he gets angry that I let it build up. I feel like I can’t win. I know that I do this to myself, and I am not negating my own actions in any way, but I can’t help but feel he also contributes to this. I’m just not sure how to move on. Most of my friends are fed up with hearing of this issue, as all the times we have ended and gotten back together. Even my best friend, the most patient and compassionate of the bunch i can tell is sick of hearing it. This making me feel at the end of my rope because I have no one to truly confide in one it.
He has an amazing memory, great listener, great sense of humor, great at putting things in perspective for me when I really need it. But I absolutely need confirmation that he is full of shit on the avoidance of committal. He says he feels it’s pointless if he can’t give me what a relationship requires (mostly involving money and the “rare times” he isn’t working) but gets very upset or jealous when I go on dates. He has even referred to me “cheating”on him even though he won’t give me verbal commitment or promise what we have is going anywhere.
I also have HSV type 2, and he is the first person who has accepted me from the beginning with this. I feel a sense of devotion to him for this and I think subconsciously it makes it a little more difficult to move on. I don’t even know if all of this is emotional abuse but I do feel like he is pulling the wool over my eyes and that the concept of a normal relationship with anyone else to me is weird now. I’m used to seeing this guy once or twice every 2 weeks, for a few hours at a time and then long phone conversations throughout the week. So when a guy truly starts caring for me I’m like WOAH BACK OFF. This also scares me, if I will ever get back to feeling ready for something normal. I am sorry for this being long…I know real talk he is just using me for my body and some emotional security but I guess I need to hear it, from an outside source and gather suggestions on how to go longer than a day without going back to him. I’m exhausted and just do not feel like myself. I’m 26 years d, no children, healthy, great job. I cannot finish my 20s off with this chain on my leg anymore it is controlling every fiber of my being.
Desperately awaiting your advice….
-MollyFebruary 17, 2017 at 5:45 am #128001
Get away from this man as soon as you can. I’m sorry but he does not love you. I have been where you are. It was six years before I accidentally discovered that he got married while seeing me and telling me I was the only one. He was always too busy and he never had any money to do anything with me. Don’t make the same mistake I did. You deserve a man who will give you everything including his time.February 17, 2017 at 7:53 am #128025
You want more in a relationship and this man is unable to give it you. You’ve given him many opportunities to step up and he’s showed you he can’t. It’s not easy, but its time to let go.February 17, 2017 at 3:40 pm #128113
Weirdly enough, I had unsubscribed from this forum a long time ago but out of nowhere I started to get updates again a few days ago and your thing came up. The reason why I am writing you is that I started seeing someone a few months ago who showed very similar traits to your man. I broke it off after two months, reason for it, he was absent for New Year’s Eve and I felt him pulling away every time we came too close or things got too intense.
But he would still want to continue this half committed thing. Anyways, it’s weird as I asked for a sign what to do, I have recently seen him and got along super well, yet again and realised that I might easily fall into the same trap again. As your forum entry popped up in my mailbox I am certain this is my sign. I think, that we deserve to have something real, everyone does. I want love in my life, full on, a partner who wants to share all those special occasions with me. Who is here to talk and share the little things in life. Don’t settle for less, my dear, it will only prolong the pain and keep you in limbo. Do state clearly what you want and if your expectations don’t match, well then you are just not a match. I am willing to give this guy another try, but my terms are clearly communicated. We should be wooed, loved, appreciated and have the chance for a great relationship. If after 3 years he’s still not sure and you can’t quite let go, maybe do try to communicate one last time what you want and need in your life and from him and stick to it. There is always something better waiting for you. Do trust this and know your own value. I wish you all the best. HugsFebruary 17, 2017 at 6:15 pm #128127
You post really spoke to me so much so that I created an account just to reply. You mention you have HSV-2 and that he is the first person who has accepted with you. It was so hard for me to leave my ex even when I knew it wasn’t working for the same reason. I thought no one else would ever love or accept me because I’d only ever told two partners the first one said he couldn’t deal and left the second stayed so naturally I was afraid to go through that again. But guess what? I was alone for almost two years after my last break up and then the next guy I dated and my current boyfriend were completely accepting and understanding. Sometimes it’s really not as big a deal as you think! I am grateful every day for my boyfriend who loves me unconditionally. I think to have this conversation you want to wait (an delay the physical part) until you are really comfortable. For me the right amount of time was about six weeks dating. I was straightforward and presented it in a normal way without a lot of drama (something I hadn’t done at all with my ex) when you can accept yourself as you are and not think that you deserve less because of this, you will find more – I promise!February 17, 2017 at 10:24 pm #128159
Best advice is if you break it needs to be a clean, no contact break. It will be hard and youll need time, but time does make things better.February 20, 2017 at 10:08 pm #128611
Great words. Thank you for this.
February 20, 2017 at 10:09 pm #128615
- This reply was modified 11 hours, 13 minutes ago by thenmollysaid.
Wow. Thank you for the empowering reply and I truly appreciate you taking the time and effort to. It’s validating and supportive for me to hear this. So happy you’ve found someone who accepts you, I truly hope I can overcome this and find the same thing.