July 14, 2013 at 1:34 pm #38602
I really hope you can give me a different perspective as I find I am really struggling at present.
I’m 38, female and single.
Four years ago I broke up with my ex and since then have really tried to move on in my life. It’s been very much a work in progress; in many ways, life is so much better than before – I am fulfilled professionally, I have a good circle of friends, a home, my family and my health. There’s a lot to be thankful for – and I am. The last four years have been good – I have really learned to be kind to myself and I have really enjoyed life. I have said goodbye to the past – hard, as we had been together for 10 years, but I see it for what it was, a learning experience, good and bad times.
Thing is; I am so lonely and, more than that, I feel that the hopes I had to become a wife and mother are slowly dissipating. I am trying to be open minded and hopeful that something might happen, but I can’t (and won’t) force it.
I don’t want to ‘settle’, or rather, make a poor decision based on a fear. I have dated, but I haven’t met anyone I really feel strongly about.
I tell myself that I am open to love, but the truth is I am slowly preparing myself for the eventuality of being on my own.
I am 38 and I am so sad inside. I’m losing hope.
I can appreciate the good things in my life, I am thankful and I am trying to be open to possibilities – but my hope is dying inside. I’ve given up on online dating, it just feels so mechanical. I meet a very limited number of new people.
I am focusing my energies on lots of things: exploring other interests, my niece, work – but it is increasingly becoming the case that these feel like activities to fill a gaping void.
July 14, 2013 at 3:06 pm #38607
i’ve dealt with rape victims, suicidal depressive people, brought people back from the edge of insanity, turned the most mundane individuals into something more capable than anything they could have managed themselves.
And i am going to give you just a little hint of what you are missing. Take it as you wish, but i did stumble across you post by accident, as i am not a member or lurker of “tinybuddha” or any such forums that promote a worldview that is so far from reality. therefore i probably wont be back for a reply or to “checkup” on you.
you really need to travel, and gain an insight into who you are. Once you realize the basis of what your character has been built on, you can thus modify it to suit your needs.
Want to be a mom? really? no i seriously do MEAN: REALLY? what is it that you are trying to fulfill? a sense of meaning/ belonging? or actually wanting to have a miniature human being to feed, clothe and grow? the answer to this will show you who you are, and i sense that in your inner-most secretive desires, you want to feel part of the group, belong and you need praise from others to appraise you of your position in their eyes, and that position needs to be high
maybe change your career?maybe go back to university but in a land far away where you dont understand the language or cultures and need to adapt all over again to a new way of life ? get out of your comfort zone. god damn it woman, go skydiving, climb a damned mountain, run a marathon. these are things to distract you for the time being, but it is during these extraneous excursion is when your desires of what you truly want, shall come forward to you, during those times when you can barely breathe, comprehend and/or move.
maybe start a business, learn to code, learn graphic designing, learn to scuba dive, add value to yourself and keep moving on.
there is so much i could teach and tell you, but the best teacher is always experience. Light a fire under your ass and go do something with your life that is worth remembering across the ages, do that, see what DOESN’T come to you.
I once knew a man, idiotically wasted his life until 48, drugs, alcoholic, living on the streets, no education. One day (till this day no one really understood how) he got a nice younger woman pregnant(~25?)…Shifted his entire life around, year later, learnt coding on a broken pentium 2 laptop and worked his ass off…got himself into a fortune 500 company after 3 yrs freelancing and supporting his wife and daughter. he is 64 now….knows more than people with PHDs in CS/AI. He has created software that you are now using to browse this site and probably the reason for why your browser is responding in a timely manner to your clicks.
the things that you think are important, family, love, kids, are really things you may never plan out, they will happen at the worst of times, as life is what occurs when you busy making other plansYou must be logged in to reply to this topic.
July 14, 2013 at 11:40 pm #38616
Thanks for the reply.
To clarify; I would like to become a Mother because I would like to love and bring up a child. If I had wanted to be part of a group and get swept along, I would have had a child with my ex fiance (even though I knew the rel was going nowhere)
In the past 4 years I have set up a business which is doing v well and sells into 14 countries, I’ve travelled to many, many countries and I have achieved a lot. As I said, my life is really interesting and I am fulfilled on lot of non personal levels. I’m driven, motivated and try my best: that is who I am !
So, I think your comments about my needing to light a fire are slightly off the mark – but you won’t have known any of these things.
LYou must be logged in to reply to this topic.
July 15, 2013 at 6:25 am #38632
lol…my temporary email had minutes left to expire before you replied, and i was alerted
when i said travel and such,i meant out of comfort zone, away from friends, familiar languages, familiar surroundings, etc…the point of it all being that maybe you can find a romantic interest in a place unfamiliar to you as you have to rely on others to guide you.
and really? you have experience and yet you come to a public place to gain an opinion? or idea? i still believe you are trying to find your own worth through others…but lets not argue that, you know yourself better than others, im sure.
and why not simply adopt? or IVF? actually, try helping out in caring for a child of one of your friends or family? see what its actually like.
and please remember, sometimes when you are dehydrated, you feel hungry. the body craves the fluids in the food as well. the point of my entire rant is that just be sure that this isnt one of those times. maybe you want love/acceptance and instead you get a child(which you may regret later) or vice-versa.You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
July 15, 2013 at 7:32 am #38641
I can definitely hear where hellno is coming from and to some extent agree. At the same time, the “Light a fire under your ass and do something with your life” message is not always very conducive to bringing about the fundamental shift you may need to truly find the freedom and equanimity you seek.
I’ve been down the route of skydiving, climbing a mountain, scuba diving, running a marathon, moving to another country, and learning a new language as a way of trying to get out of a certain head space, but, from my experience, all I can say is that those things are simply temporary distractions. I’m not saying don’t do those things, but be very clear as to why you’re doing them. Do them because you want to do them, because they reflect your goals, values, and aspirations, not because they’re simply something else you could be doing with your time.
hellno is also right about exploring further the void that you’re currently feeling and hoping to fill with a relationship and a child. Could it be that there are certain aspects of yourself that you do not love or accept fully? Is there still some self-doubt about your wholeness as a person without being in a relationship or mother?
Do you pity those who have not had children or who are not in a relationship? Do you think they want your pity? Probably not. Why then do you pity yourself?
There is the possibility that you may never be a mother or a wife. There is a possibility that you may not wake up tomorrow from your sleep, be disfigured in a horrible car accident, or find out that you have a terminal disease. Not that I would wish any of these things up on anyone, the probability of having are just as great as the probability of not having. There is amazing strength, resilience, and ultimately happiness in the acceptance and letting go of things and not trying to drive and control circumstances to meet your will.
I’m not saying not to pursue a relationship or not to want to have children, but don’t get too emotionally attached to the outcome. Like skydiving or climbing a mountain, those things are simply experiences that you may or may not have. To say, “I will be happier if…” or “I will be happier when..” is setting yourself up for disappointment and mental anguish, stress, and anxiety.
You will never be more happy or complete that you can be right now. The lens through which you view yourself and the world around you is yours to choose.
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- This reply was modified 7 months, 4 weeks ago by John.
July 15, 2013 at 7:43 am #38643
In contrast to the other view expressed so far, a few things came to heart as I read your words. I can understand the yearning to share our life with an intimate partner, and to express our love through having children. Congratulations on building many successful areas in your life! A romance is not that different from other creations, and I have lots of faith that the pieces will come together for you.
One of my teachers suggested that if I wanted an amazing intimacy that it would be helpful to write down what I was looking for. As both a heartfelt prayer and a deeper understanding of what I would like, my prayer was answered. It isn’t that much different than a business plan, where we crystallize our vision into a workable direction. Then, as we move forward, our heart has a way of pulling us toward that vision. For me, it was highly effective. When I met my wife, I was not looking, rather I was following my heart and we met while playing… and she and I simply clicked.
If you consider writing down a vision of they type of man you feel you’d be compatible with, consider digging deep within and write from the heart. Consider trading material qualities such as height and weight for inner qualities such as the way he sees the world and the way he pours himself into it.
Then, we can let go and trust that our heart and the universe are working together to see that yearning met. Keep open to your inspiration, because often that is where our guidance arrives… our inner voice sings a creative possibility, and when we follow it (for instance, a weird food desire or seeing an advertisement for a gathering that sounds fun) then we are giving space and nourishment to our heartfelt prayer.
In the meantime, it might be helpful to let the “time is running out” feeling to settle. It reminds me of Zaphod Beeblebrox from Hitchhiker’s Guide who said “Time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so.” I find breathing meditation helpful in settling emotions, but any method where we self-nurture and get up ready to play may work. Our bodies and minds need reminding that we have the potential to feel happiness and satisfaction here and now, without the need for any other material conditions. From that place of contentment, we are more able to connect to the information present in the moment, both internal intuition and external circumstance.
Good luck on your path!
MattYou must be logged in to reply to this topic.