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43 days and counting…

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  • #40740
    Sapnap3
    Participant

    43 days and counting…I haven’t contacted my ex for 43 days and this weekend has been so hard. I was out with a friend to join her at a girls weekend in a lake house. These women are 40+ with kids and husbands. They have been friends since childhood and had an unbreakable bond. Watching them drink, eat, dance and talk all weekend long, made me feel lonely. I don’t have friendships like that. Friends who I grew up with. Friends that will always be there for better for worst. I asked one of the women if her husband was her best friend and she said maybe but I have my best friends. He is an addition to my life which is already filled with everyone I love. Another one said that to have an expectation from one person to be a mate, a lover and a best friend is too much burden to put on a person. This is when I started to feel bad about the way I put so much pressure on my ex. I did expect him to be all of those things. I thought that I was the same for him till he stepped away mentally.
    I tried to meditate to bring myself back to the present but I was so sad. I missed him dearly. I feel guilty to even think of someone else. Saddest feeling of all is knowing that he isn’t suffering like I am. He moved on while i was there and i can picture him being sweet to the other woman like he was to me.
    I love him and wish him everything but I still miss him. I know contacting him is not an option but the only reason I am not is because I want to respect his decision. Is this pain ever going to leave me? Is he forever going to be the man that change my life by breaking my heart? I don’t want to think about him but every book I read and every forum I read, I hear people saying..feel the pain. Where does one draw a line between feeling the pain and self torture? How do you differentiate between feelings that come up and things u are making yourself feel and think?
    Sorry about asking so many questions? The more pain I feel…the more questions come up.
    Ever so grateful for your response
    S

    #40752
    Matt
    Participant

    Sapna,

    I’m sorry for the lonesomeness you’re feeling, and am happy you had a chance to go out for a girls weekend. I hope that you experienced more than envy, as you danced with the other women, was there warm affection along side the jealousy? Sometimes we feel we are an outsider, as though the happy people around us are on the other side of a gate… but the gate has no lock on it.

    The advice from my teacher on feeling the feelings wasn’t regarding letting thoughts just bounce around in the head. Rather, we open to the body and mind and observe. “Here are feelings of lonesomeness and thoughts of lonesomeness.” Grieving our loss is inevitable, and suppressing or ignoring just prolongs it. Instead of pushing it away, we let it pass through.

    But, in your case, it seems like you keep thinking that HE was the source of your good feelings. So to find them again, you keep looking for him (or another him). Sapna, I want to be gentle, but you have to wake up! He didn’t give you squat. The warm affection was in you the whole time… it wasn’t a gift he offered you, it was the way your body felt. He said nice words to you and you believed him. That gave the nice feelings. It wasn’t him, it was your belief in the version of you he called to.

    You have to call to that version of yourself. Say sweet things to yourself, tell others why they are beautiful, talk and care for the people around you (including yourself). Said differently, instead of accepting the thoughts and feelings in our body as “just how it is” and falling into pity, we accept the thoughts and feelings in our body are “just how it is now” and take actions to help them settle. Have you lapsed in self nurturing? Are you still doing metta meditation?

    I refuse to join you in your pity of Sapna. You built the prison, and you have the method to become free. There is a goddess inside you, so stop pretending like she isnt… like she is a victim of his apathy, or that she is only alive when others believe in her. She isn’t. She is beautiful, powerful, self sufficient, and carries the light with her. Or, keep crawling under your bed with tissues and self loathing. Its your journey… you have the paintbrush and the blank canvas.

    Namaste, sister.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    #40757
    Sapnap3
    Participant

    Thanks again Matt
    I need some tough love. I hate playing the victim. I am doing everything people have suggested on this site. The voice of the man from metta meditation echoes in my mind when I meditate. I am reading the pia mellody book that you suggested. What I am noticing is that as long I stay away from social settings, love songs and alcohol, I am recovering and healing. I feel better with myself than with others. Only volunteering events make me as happy as I am with myself. I am afraid that I am becoming a loner. Even in the trip where even some other women were feeling lonesome because most of the women there have been friends with one another since childhood so I didn’t beat myself up for feeling lonely. I did get up and dance. I did go on the boat. I did get on the tube even though I dont know how to swim and am very scared of water.
    I am journaling and being sweet to myself. Just at times my mind wonders if the happiness of being in love will ever be felt again. I love being with myself but thats all. Does this phase pass with time?
    Thanks again
    P.S
    I am also sending loving thoughts to all the nursing home seniors who I play bingo with every now and than 🙂

    #40764
    L
    Participant

    hi sapnap3, your story sounds similar to mine. I haven’t counted the days of no contact, but is been about 2 weeks, not counting the quick note he sent with the mail he forwarded to me last week and that I saw him this week as we both drove past each other just out of chance. I am trying to be social but I have also realised that I feel better with myself than with others, though I try to meet friends once a week if I can. I did the clubbing and alcohol thing that my friends encouraged me to do and I realised that at the moment alcohol makes me feel sorry for myself and the noise of clubs is too much for me. I am naturally a quiet and introverted person, but at the moment i’m so sensitive that I crave the silence and peace even more now than before. im retreating into my own space and walking, running and journaling, and very much a loner. I’ve been here before, I think i’m just healing, so I think its a phase.

    #40770
    Matt
    Participant

    Sapna,

    I like how you’re noticing that you seem to be disturbed by alcohol, parties and so on, but not from volunteering. When we are giving to others, it is very fulfilling.

    Don’t be afraid of becoming a loner. Your situation reminds me of a hermit (in tarot). Many feel the hermit retreats because she doesn’t like humanity, but that is not the case. The cave the hermit retreats into is for safety, so she can grow the tender shoots of compassion for herself into thick, well nourished roots. Then, she leaves the cave. Said differently, now that you can see yourself and how your codependency patterns hurt, it is natural to retreat a little so you can heal.

    It is very dramatic to say “I am becoming a loner.” It is much softer and more accurate to say “I feel better alone right now.” After you heal, your dancing outside the cave will because you have so much to share… not because you “need” connection. Oh, how playful life becomes on that day!

    With warmth,
    Matt

    #41095
    Sapnap3
    Participant

    L and Matt
    Thanks again for the kind words and advise. Time does heal everything. Everyday the tears and sadness fade, even if it is 0.05%.

    L I think its great that u are also enjoying time with yourself. Its pretty calming to just sit and listen to the world outside without judgment for yourself. You see I have never been OK about being by myself. Thanks to this search I have been on, I am getting to know myself. Getting to know all the little things friends and loved ones recognize and love. Just to give you a small example, for the first time in my life I cut my hair short and finally I can see my face. I had been hiding behind my hair all 30 years of my life. My family always told me that the only attractive thing about me was my hair. It was beautiful and cutting it hurt me so much but two weeks later and spending time with myself its finally sinking in. I am more than hair, more than my face and more than what me and others define me as. I’ll keep on this journey all my life. For right now, I don’t want to be with anyone but me.
    I am sending you all my love and good wishes. Hope you come out stronger

    Matt
    I love reading all your advise for people searching in this site. U truly are a gift. In this journey of mine, your words resonate in my head. I listen to my thoughts. I acknowledge their presence. Its very painful when memories surface but I let them pass. I tell myself gently that its OK to be sad. Its OK to miss someone who I was so close to. Its all OK.
    Can’t wait to come out and dance with you and world…
    S

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