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A lot of advice needed

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Viewing 14 posts - 1 through 14 (of 14 total)
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  • January 20, 2016 at 6:26 am #93103
    Alicia1211
    Participant

    Hello everybody, my first time posting something in the forums but I need a lot of advice. I had a relationship for about 2.5 years with a great guy we were both very much in love, however on 2015 everything went south, we started fighting… a lot! We were both under a lot of pressure and I developed a depression, we ended up broking up, I found out he cheated on me after that (once according to him) and he apologized and tried to get back with me a lot, we hooked up a couple of times and…… I got pregnant. We just found a couple of weeks ago, he told he will look up for the baby but that he needed time for himself and I gave it to him, until I saw him with the same girl again! I blocked him from everywhere and he went nuts, searched for me, went to my house, wrote me like 50 emails saying that he wants this with me, that he wants to be with me and our baby and he didn’t do anything with her but talk during coffee because he needed to set things straight with her. After I saw my baby for the first time I became extremely happy, never being this happy for a long time, I decided to take him back, but the first day we were together again we ended up fighting…. again! So you would imagine how frustrating is for the both of us, reviving this all over again and we don’t want this, we don’t want to be fighting all the time, last night we talked and decided to work in our friendship first than force things on ourselves again for the sake of the baby. The thing is that I really love him and want this to work out between us… but I don’t know how! Please advise, desperate pregnant woman here

    January 20, 2016 at 8:24 am #93113
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Alicia1211:

    Glad you posted here. You asked for advice. To advise you, I need more of the story. If you tell me more, I will be glad to give you my best advice. When you wrote that in 2015 you started fighting following 2.5 years of a loving relationship, what happened? Looking at the 2.5 years before, were there any fights then at all? Any trouble, sometimes?

    How old are both of you? How far in the pregnancy are you?

    What are your plans as a future single mother, if that is what will be?

    anita

    January 20, 2016 at 9:10 am #93119
    Alicia1211
    Participant

    In January 2015 I had an accident and became really depressed, I could only see the negativity in my life even when he tried to show me the good instead, after I got back to work everything was really stressfull for both of us and that’s when we started to fight almost everyday, before the accident we didn’t fight at all, a small discussion here and there but that was it. He is 28 and I’m 27 and I’m 3 to 4 weeks pregnant, still very little. He told me that he wanted to do this with me, move in together and see how things work, but after our fight we both considered that this wasn’t the best option because we would be fighting all the time and ruin the small chance that we have to make things right. We decided now to work on our friendship first and focus on the baby, see what happens from there

    January 20, 2016 at 10:01 am #93123
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Alicia1211:

    What you wrote here sounds reasonable: friends first, absolutely, especially as future parents, work together for the benefit of the child and each other. The child needs to have a CALM home to grow up in, whether it is you alone or you and him. But you, your boyfriend living together and fighting- that would be very bad for your future child.

    Hope you do become good friends. Often that is more than most couples have between themselves!

    anita

    January 20, 2016 at 10:33 am #93126
    Alicia1211
    Participant

    I’m just really scared that things don’t work out between us, I would love to have a family with him and not being by myself…

    • This reply was modified 8 years, 3 months ago by Alicia1211.
    January 20, 2016 at 11:55 am #93145
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Alicia1211:

    I understand, of course you want the man you love, the father of your child to be, to be there for you, for the two of you to help each other. Of course you do, this is as understandable as can be.

    Yet, as a mother to be, you owe it to your child to make a CALM home for him or her, however it is going to be, with or without the father. Somehow, you have to find a way to make yourself calm. You have the most important job in the world in front of you, being a mother. A vulnerable, innocent child will be looking up to you for his or her well being.

    This does not mean you have to be super strong- that is not possible… for you to be perfect. Only strong enough, good enough to be a mother.

    Whatever you do, keep this in mind. Please post here anytime with updates regarding your relationship with your boyfriend/ friend… friends first. Tell him, as your friend, how scared you are but don’t blame him for being scared. You are as responsible as he is for being pregnant, never blame him for it. This way, you can become the good friends you need to be.. and from there, hopefully, there will be more.

    anita

    January 20, 2016 at 1:04 pm #93149
    Alicia1211
    Participant

    Thank you Anita! I’m trying my best to be calm, im sure this is the best decision that we can make with our circunstances, I can see that he is willing to give all his effort for this to work for the wellbeing of our baby

    January 20, 2016 at 7:08 pm #93160
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Alicia1211:

    I do hope you and him do live together well, having a good relationship and be good enough mother and father to the small one. There is hope for it, through good friendship based on honest communication. You will have lots of emotions along the way, especially being pregnant. Share with him honestly, be vulnerable as long as you don’t blame him but take responsibility for your feelings, understanding he can’t fix your hurts and fears, only help. When he helps, let him know he did.

    I am suggesting these things because it will help your chances to have what you want… and there is nothing better for a child than having a happy mother… and a happy father, well, that will be the best!

    Keep posting, please!

    anita

    January 25, 2016 at 9:00 am #93605
    Alicia1211
    Participant

    So I finally told my parents and they took it pretty well, however they were shocked about my ex’s respond, they told him that they didn’t saw any compromise from him with me (he hasn’t paid or helped me with anything), I previously had asked him that if it wasn’t for the baby, what would he want for us, and his response was that he would not get back with me…..

    My parents told him that they didn’t think that he cared for me at all, the baby yes, but for me… no, that he didn’t loved me……… and he stayed silent. That was pretty hard to take. He always said that he missed me and wanted me back, I guess it wasn’t really true. I asked him for time, to leave me alone for a while, I need to think what am I going to do… Im really shocked and confused.

    • This reply was modified 8 years, 3 months ago by Alicia1211.
    January 25, 2016 at 9:55 am #93614
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Alicia1211:

    You wrote above that “he hasn’t paid or helped me with anything”- you mean regarding your pregnancy, right? But what are the payments required when you are only a month pregnant? If there are no complications, what are the expenses they are talking about???

    Bad idea to involve your parents in your relationship with the guy…bad, bad idea. You can have a relationship with your parents but you only complicate things and hurt your own chances for well being if you involve them in that relationship: the guy will be more scared than he already is, morel likely to withdraw, and look at you.. you are more confused than you were before.

    The guy is afraid. All this is way too much for him. Your parents now being in his life, that just tops it all and he is done or about to be done with everything…. and you are only a month pregnant.

    Separate your relationship with your parents from your relationship with the guy: do not let them be involved in his life. It should be YOU and HIM, not you, your parents and him.

    What says you so far?

    anita

    January 25, 2016 at 10:11 am #93616
    Alicia1211
    Participant

    He asked me to tell them, he told his parents first. He has been back and forward with our relationship since we broke up three months ago. Tha payments they are talking about are doctors, blood analysis, vitamins, all that… is not about the money, is about the attitude he’s taking towards the pregnancy, he doesn’t seem sure to want to be with me

    January 25, 2016 at 10:31 am #93617
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Alicia1211:

    It is necessary that you told your parents: for as long as you are in contact with them, they will soon find out and will probably be involved in the baby’s life. It is a bad idea to have your parents directly interact with the to-be-father, is my point. Your parents having a direct relationship with him means there is nothing much between you and him and nothing much that will be. Maybe this is his wish, I don’t know, but that is what will happen: the more they interact, the more of an outsider you will be in your own life.

    I figure you are heart broken at the thought that he doesn’t want to be with you. Again, you need to hear it from him, not to hear it from your parents.

    When will you see him face to face, at best if you are both as calm as possible, just you and him? The meeting must be non threatening for him. I think he is overwhelmed, as you are and maybe his parents are siding with him while your parents are siding with you and both sides are ready for war?

    Better prevent the war. Meet with him in peace and hope you and him will choose peace over war, keeping both sets of parents away to mind their own business. I am sure they have their own issues to work on.

    anita

    January 25, 2016 at 12:05 pm #93627
    Alicia1211
    Participant

    We agreed to see each other on the gyn consult on thursday, meanwhile I asked him to let me be alone this days to reflect about what is best for me right now..

    January 25, 2016 at 12:24 pm #93629
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Alicia1211:

    Good choices on your part, I believe, alone time to reflect and seeing him alone in a few days. Please post anytime if it may help you with reflecting and if you update me/ us about your Thursday meeting with him, I would like to read about it and reply.

    Take care:

    anita

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