Abusive Relationships and Depression

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This topic has 16 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 8 months ago by Marie.

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July 26, 2015 at 10:56 am #80508

Marie
Participant

Hello, everyone.

This is my first post and I hope it is all right. 4 years ago, I managed to get out of an abusive relationship. It was very hard because I needed a certain sense of closure, or otherwise I’d end up getting back with him. Also, because I didn’t want to admit that was an abusive relationship since I had already invested so much. I refused to accept it for 3 years. He was an older man and I was 16 when we started. He was very manipulated and would always manage to make me feel like I were crazy or in the wrong. Oddly enough, my mom adored him. Sometimes she would even agree that I was wrong. That’s just how much he was capable of enchanting people if he wanted. He would abuse me both physically and emotionally, never really hit me, but he’d threat me often. Being in this relationship made me feel so disempowered, dirty and worthless. On top of that, even before having in this relationship, I already had depression and anxiety issues. I suspect that’s why he saw in me a perfect target. It was like it made him stronger to see me that way. I am deeply, terribly ashamed of just how much I put up with. It devastastes me. I think of suicide constantly and it’s been 4 years already since I broke up. After that, I never felt like getting into another relationship; as the wounds from my past are far from healed, I’d end up being an emotional drain for them. But that doesn’t matter, there isn’t anything left of me now. I don’t know what to do. The intrusive crippling thoughts and memories are just too much and they crush me inside; I can’t help but wonder how much my life would be better had I never allowed myself to be so blind. Even before I met him, I was already depressed and anxious. Now I’m drowning in sorrow, guilt and desperation, since all I can think of is just how many good opportunities I lost, how I’ve ruined my chances on a more fulfilling life and how much I want to kill myself (sorry for saying such things, I know this is a place for positivity, I’m sorry).

July 26, 2015 at 2:23 pm #80521

Saiisha
Participant

Clueless123 – my heart goes out to you reading this! How much power we give away to others who are ready and waiting to take it! I’m proud of you for being able to let go of this person, and even though you’re still reeling from that experience, I think you are ready for a turnaround!

You probably have a lot of inner work to do to get your self-esteem and self-worth back. I’m reminded of Byron Katie’s story of 2 bad marriages, rage, self-loathing, and suicidal thoughts: she wasn’t able to even get out of her bed to brush her teeth sometimes, and was stuck in turnaround houses for months. But now she’s celebrated for her Self Inquiry exercises that have helped millions of people.

I think you’d greatly benefit from Byron Katie’s “The Work.” Do look her up on Youtube and see if her message resonates with you.

I truly hope this helps. I’d love for you to be free of these crippling thoughts – that you can recognize that at this time, they’re simply thoughts, not reality.

Namaste, Saiisha

July 27, 2015 at 3:42 am #80554

irishgirl2015
Participant

Clueless123 I had never had an account before but had to get one so I could respond to you. I too was in an emotionally abusive relationship for about 4 years and couldnt see it. it took something else in my life to force me into counselling to see it for what it was. Please be so proud of yourself for getting out. Life may seem so tough now but it will get better. I am 5 1/2 years out of mine now and there is light at the end of the tunnel. You will go through so many emotions and no doubt be angry at yourself for letting it happen. But it was not your fault, you are not crazy nor wrong. He was wrong and even though he may never see it, it is important that you do. I really wish you so much luck dealing with these demons as they hard work to battle but you can get there 🙂 🙂

July 27, 2015 at 8:18 am #80564

Axuda
Participant

Hi there

Having got out of an abusive relationship at about the same time as you (albeit as a man and considerably older), I can completely understand the feelings that you describe.

The first and most important thing to remember is that you were the innocent victim here. Abusers are cowardly in that they will behave outrageously, and then try to put the blame for their behavior on the victim, as if they had no control over their own actions. No matter how much he tried to make you think that it was your fault, you have nothing whatsoever to be ashamed of.

It is all too easy for a kind and caring person to be manipulated by someone who is just looks for sympathy from others and never accepts responsibility for their own life. You are right that he saw in you are target, someone he could control to make him somehow feel superior. But the reason for that is because you are a kind and caring person. You were exploited because you are worthwhile and valuable. In the same way that a burglar will target a property that looks like it will have something valuable in it, an emotional “burglar” will target someone with something to offer.

So you have nothing to be ashamed of, and you must be a valuable person to have put up with so much – you must have had incredible reserves of kindness and compassion. And going through that experience will have given you an additional layer of understanding and strength. I can understand that it is really, really difficult to see that from where you are at the moment. But as someone who has been through all those feelings, I can assure you it is true.

From your post, you are still at the angry and bitter stage, which we all have to go through. The good news is, it means you are very close to a breakthrough. At the moment, you are turning this anger and bitterness inwards. Once you are able to release those feelings, you will start to feel much more calm and peaceful, and be able to acknowledge your true worth and feel the strength you have built up from your experience.

Your post is also very focused on the past, which is another key area to work on. Your past affected you in the past. The only way that it can affect you now and in the future is if you allow it to. In dwelling on the past, you give it power over now. By giving it power over now, it influences the decisions you make for your future. I’m not pretending it’s easy to stop dwelling on the past – it isn’t. Just that it is an area that you must focus on, because nothing will start to change until you do. Once I decided to put my past behind me it genuinely was like a new dawn.

I would strongly suggest that you get in contact (if you aren’t already) with support groups to talk to others who have been through the same experience. I would definitely suggest getting some professional help – you are not alone in this. Try reading “The Power of Now” by Eckhart Tolle. But most importantly of all, remember that you are worthy, you are valuable, you are strong – if you weren’t you would never have been a target. You were exploited by a weak person who used you for their own ends at a vulnerable time in your life – he is the one who should be ashamed, not you. You can hold your head up high, and tell yourself out loud that he doesn’t control you any more.

It is going to take time, but you have already taken a big step by asking for support. There are (unfortunately) many who can identify with your story, and who will understand what you are going through. Use their experience, and pass it on, and you will be amazed at the effect it has on you.

July 27, 2015 at 9:25 am #80570

Anonymous
Guest

Dear clueless123:

Your post makes me so sad. Not only because of how sad, anxious and depressed you are- and were before this abusive relationship started, but because of what I believe to be this possibility: that you are still in an abusive relationship and.. you are clueless about it (using your name here…)

This abusive relationship you may be in and be clueless about it (and it is only a possibility in my mind, a possibility that makes me sad) is the relationship with your mother. You wrote: “Oddly enough, my mom adored him. Sometimes she would even agree that I was wrong. That’s just how much he was capable of enchanting people if he wanted.”

Looking at the sentence in the context of your ex boyfriend making you feel crazy or wrong (you stated that)- makes me wonder.

Your conclusion that the reason your mother took his side at times is because he was so enchanting may be not accurate. It may be that there is something wrong with your mother. It may be that she already paved the road- before you met this guy- the road to you believing that you are wrong or crazy. Why did your mother adore him? What was her investment in it? What motivated her to decide you are wrong – what is her role here? What business is it of hers anyway- her interest in him?

anita

July 27, 2015 at 4:28 pm #80599

Marie
Participant

Saiisha:
Thanks for the recommendation. Byron Katie has such an inspiring story. I’ll buy her book when I can. I’ve been reading about abusive relationships and it pains me so much because I start having flashbacks and feeling great discomfort. I’m an emotional mess right now.
Thanks for your kind words, Saiisha!

Irishgirl2015:
Thanks so much for posting this. Often I feel like this will forever be a huge part of me, much like a shadow or a curse. I’m just so tired of this feeling. Thus it’s always nice to know other people have managed to pull through abusive relationships. You’re inspiring! I think I’d have benefitted greatly from counselling in the past as well. I went through therapy for only two months consecutively this year. Gave up on it after two months and no significative results. Thank you, my heart and thoughts are with you.

Axuda:
That reminds me, I had an online male friend in the past who was in almost the same situation as me. We talked a lot about our relationships in order to understand just what was going on with them. My abuser, however, after realizing I was a bit more social online than I was in real life, made sure that I had cut off contact with all of them (both real and virtual).

I understand what you’re saying, but it’s so difficult to see what happened under a positive light. The truth is I want to just disappear sometimes. You’re right in your assumption. I feel exactly that way, angry and bitter and most of all guilty. For not noticing the major red signs from the very start, for not loving myself enough and for losing my youth on it. I feel like I have a lifetime worth of baggage. Sometimes I wish I was older just so I wouldn’t feel so inadequate around people from my age group. I wonder if other abuse victims feel this way too.
Is there a way I can let out all these dark feelings and thoughts I’ve been having? There aren’t any support groups in my area unfortunatelly, but I’ve been wanting to go back to therapy.

anita:
Hi, Anita. I really appreciate your concern. My relationship with my parents was very troubled during my teenage years. They were so busy and drained from dealing with my brother (he used to have psychotic attacks, during which he’d be aggressive to the point of beating my mom and dad). I was neglected by them for a long time and I believe this is possibly (or at least in part) why I gotten into an abusive relationship in the first place. My parents had choosen an approach to deal with my brother that I considered inneffective. They’d hostilize me quite often because of that. But now I know that they love me, they just didn’t know what to do and now they’re everything I live for. My abuser was really very persuasive. He once told me that people would never stay angry at him for a long time, which was true. My mom back then thought I was being wrong simply because I wasn’t very close to her during that time and she didn’t know what was really happening with me.

July 27, 2015 at 7:08 pm #80603

Anonymous
Guest

Dear clueless123:

In your note to me above you wrote: “They’s hostilize me.” What is hostilize? I am not familiar with that verb and would like to understand the sentence…?

I re-read your original post and the above. TO re-cap, you were neglected by your parents who were busy with your acitvely psychotic brother. At 16 you got into an abusive to you relationship with an older man that lasted (?) years and the relationship ended four years ago. You suffered from anxiey and depression before that relationship and you do now, after the relationship. You think a lot about killing yourself. You feel like your youth is wasted and gone. You are full of shame for putting up with that abusive relationship and you feel guilt.

Can you tell me about the guilt: what is that about? You feel that you have wronged who…?

You wrote that your parents are “everything I live for.” Can you tell me what you mean by that? How does it look likem you living for your parents?

Hoping to read more from you- and I surely will respond.
anita

July 28, 2015 at 8:26 am #80634

Axuda
Participant

Hi clueless123

It is important to remember that you are looking back with the benefit of experience. Your younger self didn’t have the experience and knowledge that you do now. So to criticize yourself for being young and inexperienced is like criticizing a toddler for being useless at riding a bike – you were exploited before you could gain the necessary experience. (I don’t even have that excuse.) As for losing your youth on it, I would say that you gained a lifetime of experience very quickly. The important thing is to stop losing any more time to it, and to start doing things for you again.

As for feeling inadequate around people from your age group, one thing I can tell you is that everyone else feels like that too, including those who have not been through a trauma like you – they just try very hard not to show it. You are the only one thinking that you are in any way inadequate – no-one who has been through anything remotely similar to you is going to be anything other than totally sympathetic. I repeat, you have done absolutely nothing to be ashamed of and can hold your head up high.

It took me a long time to overcome more than 18 years of being belittled and told I was an inadequate, useless (yet apparently also controlling and manipulative) human being. I continued to believe it for a long time, and I’m sure that scars are still there. But once I started to open up to people, old and new friends, both of mine and my ex-wife’s, it was amazing how their reactions opened my eyes. The support and the love I got from that process was overwhelming. Old friends who had been wondering for years why I continued to allow myself to be treated so badly. New friends whose jaws dropped when I explained things that had happened which (at the time) I considered relatively minor. Gradually I began to realise just how inaccurate my self-image was, and I could begin to rebuild it. Sure, I am still a flawed human being, but not in the ways I was led to believe, and I am certainly nothing like the monster that I was made out to be.

As for your dark feelings and thoughts, I would always recommend professional help, together with a sympathetic circle of support, be it friends or strangers. If there is no support group near you, look at online groups – sometimes the anonymity offered online allows people to be even more open and supportive than they would be in person.

I am a great believer in the power of action. Make a list of things you enjoy, or things you enjoyed as a child, and give some of them a go. Make it a firm appointment with yourself, as if it was an appointment with your therapist (which, in a sense, it is). The positive feelings you will get from doing this will make it easier to start feeling better about yourself, which in turn will make it easier to make decisions which work more positively for you, which in turn lead to more positive actions, and so the virtuous circle continues.

I remember those dark days – how everything seemed such a mess, and that I would never be able to have a life again. But looking back, it was like a chrysalis stage, and when I emerged the transformation was simply incredible, and life has never been better. You are in that chrysalis phase now, so it seems dark and empty. But the butterfly that emerges will be brighter and stronger and more beautiful than you could ever have believed.

July 28, 2015 at 6:01 pm #80684

turquoise115
Participant

Please don’t lose hope in humanity due to the pain you have gone through. Kind, gentle and non abusive people are out there as well. Spend time with kind people and you will learn what you are supposed to feel like when you have support and love with no strings attached to it. Truly kind people behave as such and many are kind long enough to suck you in before you see their true colors. You now know what a bad relationship is and can go forward with the skills to never get into one again. Please don’t see a bad relationship as personal failure it’s just something that happened to you it doesn’t need to define you! Heal by appreciating that you are alive, beautiful and capable. Heal yourself by loving others and it will come back to you. 💙

August 11, 2015 at 12:43 pm #81651
Marie
Participant
I’m sorry it took me so long. I’ve been feeling so bad, guys. I felt it would hurt even more to go back here and read all of what I had said before, so I had been avoiding it. Now I feel better, but I’m still thinking of suicide pretty frequently.

Dear Anita
Sorry, English isn’t my first language. I didn’t realize it sounded weird. What I meant is that, due to all the problems and stress going on in my house, my parents weren’t very patient or involved with me. They hadn’t realized how vulnerable I was growing up, I think. Compared to my brother, I’d always came across as a normal teenager. I was never very affectionate to them either, so it wasn’t totally their fault. The weird thing is that now ever since I felt into depression we are closer than ever. Oh, it lasted 3 years, on and off. It ended 4 years ago. “Can you tell me about the guilt: what is that about? You feel that you have wronged who…?” I feel that I wronged myself and I also subjected my parents to a lot of suffering and worry. They deserve better than me. I’ve never
gave any reason for them to feel proud or happy. I’m another disappointment.

You wrote that your parents are “everything I live for.” Can you tell me what you mean by that? How does it look likem you living for your parents?

I don’t commit suicide because I don’t want them to live with that. They’ve been through so much already. They would break down if something like that happened. Still this isn’t a good enough motivator sometimes. Sometimes I can’t get stuff done “what’s the point?”, I think to myself.

Hi Axuda,
You’re right. I have to start doing things for myself. What happened was a huge blow on my self-esteem and I’ve been having a hard time finding motivation now. I can relate a lot to what you said. Especially this part:

New friends whose jaws dropped when I explained things that had happened which (at the time) I considered relatively minor

When I look back, it’s unbelievable. It’s absurd! How impaired my judgement used to be! If you don’t mind my asking, how long did it take for you to overcome this? For me, it’s been 4 years and it’s still so hard. Thanks for your advice. I’ve already been trying out things I used to enjoy during my childhood years. My happiest phase, although poor and simple. My family was united and relatively normal back then. Thanks so much for the kind words.

Hey, Turquoise115
Thanks for your response. I never stopped believing there were good people in this world. I believe I was naive and downright unlucky. I don’t see myself dating again not even in a few years.
- This reply was modified 8 years, 8 months ago by Marie.
August 11, 2015 at 1:45 pm #81656

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Marie:

You wrote that as a teenager you “came across” normal, compared to your brother, at least, who had active psychotic episodes. But inside you felt not so normal, anxious, depressed, troubled. You were all alone with those feelings and the growing belief that there was something wrong or weird about you, that you were not the normal person others saw. What you needed so much, to be SEEN, noticed, attended to- you didn’t get. Maybe you thought you were a disappointment for NOT being the normal teenager you thought your parents deserved (to make up for the abnormal, so to speak, brother).

Maybe you didn’t get the freedom to have or express your own (normal) problems because your brother gave your parents enough trouble and you couldn’t add to it.

You are describing a lonely childhood/ teenage-hood. You are describing taking responsibility for your parents that is NOT yours. It is not your responsibility that your brother was sick and that your parents paid no attention to you. It was their job to pay attention to you and to express affection to you. It was NOT your job to pay attention to them and to express affection to them.

Your sense of failure is based on disappointing your parents when it is your parents who disappointed you for failing to be good-enough parents to you. They failed you, not the other way around.

i am so sorry for you feeling pain. Please write again today or anytime. I wish someday that you will move out of your parents’ home, come out physically and mentally from the slavery mode you are currenly in, slavery to your parents. You owe them nothing. You owe them nothing. If you do experience any closeness with any of your parents now, do they understand that it was their job to attend to you, that you were the child, that it was not an equal relationship, that you needed them and they failed you… ?

I think you are still anxious and depressed because you still know, deep inside that something is wrong. You think it is you who is wrong, inherently wrong, flawed, unacceptable. You think that is why you are suffering. But this is not true. If it was true you’d stop suffering. You are suffering because part of you KNOWS that what you think is true is not true.

It was never your job to be “normal” or perfect or make your parents happy or make up for your brother’s sickness.

Does any of it make sense to you and how do you feel about it?

anita

August 11, 2015 at 2:37 pm #81657

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Marie:

It occured to me, the photo by your name, the caged bird, that is you, isn’t it? You put the caged bird drawing by your name because you feel that you are in a cage, correct? I see your mental cage to be the prison of your false belief that something was wrong with you all along when truth is: you were severely neglected by your parents (their reasons are not relevant to the fact they neglected you and you are suffering the result of that). In practice, where you are living- with your parents, correct?- that is your physical cage, prison.

To get out of your mental cage, I believe you need to get out of your physical cage. And then there will be more work to free yourself of the mental cage. I don’t think you can do either one alone, you need outside help, counseling, some sort of help. But I believe it is possible for you. I believe you can get outside that cage. One day you will be free if you start taking one small step today, and then another and another. You will be on your way to freedom. I can come up with ideas on how to practically start this journey to freedom, if you are with me… ???

anita

August 13, 2015 at 11:48 pm #81804
Marie
Participant
Hey Anita
Thanks so much for your response. You’re amazing.

There was a point when I was constantly looking for attention from the outside. My mother didn’t like me to stay home since this was a time my brother would have aggressive fits out of nowhere. She’d often ask me to go outside and play with the other kids, claiming that she had failed my brother because he had a strict upbringing. Which is wrong, in my opinion. He had problems socialising because he was born that way and back then when there was no internet no one knew about OCD, or social anxiety (my brother has OCD and his case is so bad he was a verging psychotic).

I’ve always had a rather passive behavior with people from the outside. They walked all over me. I adapted to other people rather than choose the ones that suited me the most. Oh and there was a time I was closer to my neighbor’s family than my own! My family used to be relatively united, grandma, cousins, aunts, etc. But after my brother got sick and we became highly isolated as a family as he didn’t want to see anyone (many were considered by him “his enemies”).

I remember seeing my friend’s parents getting involved with their kid’s stuff while my mother and father would hardly ever be interested in what I was doing or thinking or whom I was hanging out with, and it’d make me quite sad. I even missed restrictions. They would tell me don’t do this and that, but they wouldn’t really do anything. Over time, my brother had gotten less and less aggressive and more predictable. With that, I was the one who was starting breaking down. That’s when they started to notice there was something wrong with me. I’d adapt to people, I’d try whatever to get them to love me, to pay attention to me, to give me a direction, and I didn’t know why I craved it so much. I think I know now.

I don’t blame my parents too much though. I think… I could have handled things better. I’m sure of it. I’m not the only one in this type of situation. Some people do really well in spite the bad circumstances. My parents neglected me for a very long time, but they didn’t know any better, they were desperate and afraid (for their lives even). I remember I’d even lock the doors because I was afraid my brother would kill us in our sleep. He’d constantly threat my mom and dad, mostly. I was very afraid of losing them but in a way I was losing them already… to my brother’s disease.
I’m still financially dependent of my parents, I’ve always been. I feel like I only ever gave them problems after what would be my “breaking point”, depression-wise – 17 years old up until now. I love them very much and if I’m alive today it’s because of them. I can’t think of any other reason for me to stay alive honestly.

At the same time I can’t get over my past. Part of me still seeks for an explanation to why I lost 3 years of my life struggling with depression and on top of that a destructive relationship I should have never gotten into in the first place. And other 2 years learning how to cope with the damage and now I catch myself still picking up the pieces! How happy would I be now if only I had avoided certain people! If only I had stood up for myself early on! If only I had gone to therapy early on! Maybe now I wouldn’t be such a burden, I’d be happy and having a life of my own. If only! But I can’t change that. Many of my thoughts and memories are from that time and I can almost feel as though they’re happening right now as I remember them. They can be triggered if someone yells at me, or maybe a song from that time, or maybe I just sit around and automatically go back to the bad times. I can’t help but feel I’d be much happier without them. Everyday I feel as though as I’m in a nightmare I can never wake up from.

You’re right. I feel like I have to make up for my brother. But I haven’t been successful in that anyway. I mean I’m not even working! I’m working on a degree so I can get a better job in the future, but it makes me feel so useless. Especially like this. I can’t even concentrate enough to study and even getting out of bed has been… challenging. I chose that picture because I feel trapped in life. I have no hopes of happiness but I can’t kill myself either. And as you said, my mental cage too.

You’re amazing, Anita. I thank you so much for listening to all of this and I’m sorry if I sounded so negative. I don’t mean to bring anyone down with my blabbering. I’m actually a relatively cheerful person if I’m all right. Thanks so much for giving me different perspectives on things. As for suggestions on where to start, I’d really appreciate that.
- This reply was modified 8 years, 8 months ago by Marie.
August 14, 2015 at 8:17 am #81820

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Marie:

You wrote: “I don’t blame my parents too much though. I think… I could have handled things better. I’m sure of it. I’m not the only one in this type of situation. Some people do really well in spite the bad circumstances. My parents neglected me for a very long time, but they didn’t know any better, they were desperate and afraid…”

Let’s examine, if you will, the issue of fault: whose fault is what? Who is responsible for what?

Reality is that things exist in … this AND that, often, not as … this OR that. There is a lot of confusion when we see things as this OR that when in reality, it is both. So examining things as .. this AND that is very helpful so to view what is real and what is not real. Psychosis is just one extreme end of the spectrum of seeing reality not as it is. We all do it in between the extremes of being completely off base and seeing things exactly as they are. Your personal distress, Marie, indicates that you are off the mark significantly enough.

Once you allign your views, your beliefs about what is true to the truth of what is, your distress will diminish very much. This process of seeing reality as is – is very personal. Nobody can tell you what is real, you have to believe it. I can only suggest possibilities for you to consider.

Back to the quote: you wrote that you could have handles things differently- and that you are sure of it. I don’t know what specifically you are referring to? Do you mean that you could have NOT been hurt as a child by the neglect you experienced? Do you mean once you were hurt on an ongoing basis, that you could have ignored that hurt and proceeded with actions that a well attended, healthy individual would take? Are you referring to actions you took as a child? As an adult?

About blaming your parents- it is a concept to examine. Is it possible that they were scared of your brother behavior, concerned about your safety because of his explosions AND they neglected your needs for attention and love? Can it be both- or in your mind, is it necessary that you view them as cold hearted, evil people who do not feel any soft feelings themselves so to explain why they hurt you so much?

Can it be that your parents are at fault for neglecting you. not giving you the basic love you needed (nothing fancy, but the basics) AND that they had reasons? Is it possible their reasons do not in any way diminish the hurt they have caused you?

You wrote: “parents neglected me for a very long time, but they didn’t know any better, they were desperate and afraid…”

Does it take away from your pain, the fact that you believe that they didn’t know any better?

There are always reasons why people hurt their children, does it make any difference?

For as long as your focus is on WHY they hurt you, as long as your focus is on them and empathy for them is in the forefront of your mind, you will be distressed. Your hope in shifting your focus to YOU, have empathy to you, realize your hurt and the fact they have caused it by not seeing you, not noticing you.

There is much more. If I was you I would re-read this when you are calm, at different times and examine this, that point, bit by bit, see if anything rings a bell of truth. Search for the truth, consider your hope is in seeing what is true, what you don’t currently see. Get back to me if you would like…-
anita

August 14, 2015 at 5:21 pm #81845

Marie
Participant

Dear Anita,

When I said I could have handled things better, I meant I could have dealt with those problems in a much better way. That’s why I blame myself so much. If I had been smarter and confident and self-reliant, I’d probably be fine today.
I didn’t understand the and and or part, I’m sorry.
The fact that I keep focusing on the past it is a somewhat out of reality attitute. It’s not like I can time travel. I guess it’s because part of me still struggles to understand and accept my past.

Back to the quote: you wrote that you could have handled things differently- and that you are sure of it. I don’t know what specifically you are referring to? Do you mean that you could have NOT been hurt as a child by the neglect you experienced? Do you mean once you were hurt on an ongoing basis, that you could have ignored that hurt and proceeded with actions that a well attended, healthy individual would take? Are you referring to actions you took as a child? As an adult?

That’s exactly what I meant. I could have gone to my grandmother’s house. She’s always been supportive. The problem is, we had moved out to another city and visiting relatives became something rare for us (once in a years type of thing). Anyhow I could have decided to live with the rest of my family but I’d also feel guilty for living them on their own. While I was with my ex, I could have left him early on but instead I kept feeling afraid of breaking up and making a terrible mistake. I was so afraid to wrong others I made everything worse. I wish I had listened when people said on every single talk show I’ve ever watched “always put yourself first!”.

is it necessary that you view them as cold hearted, evil people who do not feel any soft feelings themselves so to explain why they hurt you so much?

It’s not at all necessary. But when I was a teen, I thought they didn’t like me. I had a very limited perspective on things.

Can it be that your parents are at fault for neglecting you. not giving you the basic love you needed (nothing fancy, but the basics) AND that they had reasons? Is it possible their reasons do not in any way diminish the hurt they have caused you?

I don’t know, Anita. My hurt isn’t related to them anymore. It’s just related to myself, that are mostly negative thoughts and memories of my abusive relationship. Would I still have gotten in an abusive relationship if my parents had paid more attention to me and who I was with? I don’t know, but I wish I’d had someone older to advise me along the way as I was 16 and kinda dumb, too.

For as long as your focus is on WHY they hurt you, as long as your focus is on them and empathy for them is in the forefront of your mind, you will be distressed. Your hope in shifting your focus to YOU, have empathy to you, realize your hurt and the fact they have caused it by not seeing you, not noticing you.

I’ll try that, Anita. It’s hard to see me as my own best friend when I’ve been my worst saboteur so many, many times. It’s a cycle that feeds on itself: I hate myself because I’ve hurt myself and hating makes me hurt even further and hurting gives me even more reasons to hate and so on. I know the only possible way to break the cycle is to let go of all of that. I’ve been watching some comedy lately. It helps me to get out of my head and forget about everything for a good 60 minutes. I watched a couple of Ajahn Brahm videos.

I’d like to contact you and maybe we can exchange contact info if that’s all right.

Marie
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