fbpx
Menu

Advice Needed – unforgivable

HomeForumsRelationshipsAdvice Needed – unforgivable

New Reply
Viewing 2 posts - 1 through 2 (of 2 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #54973
    Lainey
    Participant

    Hi All,
    So I could do with some advice. Firstly I feel so bad, like a completely terrible person for what I have done. I feel like I have lost all of my values and and moral code and who I am. I’m struggling to find myself again and just don’t know how to get back to being the person I used to be. I can’t seem to forgive myself or let it go, when I try it just comes back to haunt me.
    So a couple of years ago, I had a boyfriend and I had been with him for many many years (we were young and grew up together). I was away with work in very stressful situations for a few months at a time and I grew very close with a married man. We had an affair which lasted about 6 months on and off depending on if I saw him or not. We talked every day regardless. I fell in love with him. I still loved my bf very much but wasn’t spending as much time together and we weren’t getting on as well as we used to. I wasn’t really sure where our relationship was going at that point and wanted more. I felt badly about myself and the married man made me feel alive (no excuse, i know).
    Anyway just as the affair was ending my bf asked me to marry him, this is what I had given up hope for, its all I wanted for years. I said yes, I was conflicted because of the affair and how recent it had been but I knew that this is what I wanted deeply for such a long time.
    I saw the married man one last time during a work event over a week and it broke my heart breaking up with him. It was mutual. It was the right thing to do. He subsquently turned extremely rude and horrible to me and continues to this day to be very difficult for me to deal with and I have to deal with him and see him and work with him on occasion. He has since had another affair with someone else (I also know her) and has broken up with his wife recently. This also caused me a great deal of pain even though I am married to by bf now. Part of me was devastated by the way he treats me now.
    I love my bf and I always did throughout everything. I was a stupid fool who fell in love with someone else and was basically in love with two people at one time. I never thought that was possible. I married by BF and it was wonderful. I was so happy I did and still am.
    Then about 7 months later, I was away with work again. In extremely difficult circumstances for 3 months. I became close with this other man and we ended up comforting each other and slept together a few times. I felt so guilty, I love my husband and can not understand why I did this. I liked this man yes but compared to my wonderful husband? No. It was very different to the affair, two years previous as well. I know there was difficult working circumstances but that is no excuse.
    I feel like now I have ruined everything. I wanted to tell my husband but then I think that is selfish as it will probably just make me feel less guilty. I think he may know about the affair two years ago as we sort of spoke in riddles around it and I freaked out a few times and he knows all of that.
    The problem is now I’m afraid of what I am capable of. I was always very morally strong and never did anything like this before. I have not had a lot of sexual partners and was always very proud of that. I never slept with anyone I didn’t love. Now where does that leave me? How am I capable of having an affair and then another one after I got married?
    I promised I would be faithful and I wasn’t.. How can I get past this? How can I forgive myself and not feel like the worst person in the world. I feel so guilty and have lost sight of who I am. How can i ensure that this will never happen again?
    I know I was completely stressed out and in circumstances both times most people are never in or never have to deal with in their lives but that is no excuse. I’m afraid that this will happen again and I really don’t want it to.
    I have always always done the right thing and never anything like this. I am ashamed of myself and my actions. If anyone has any advice on how to move past this and find who I am again I would be most grateful.
    I love my husband so much and want to be with him. I am at the point now where I am punishing myself constantly for my actions and I need to stop. I want to be more positive and less negative but I am finding that very difficult because I hate myself for what I did and who I have become. I feel like a liar and a cheat and don’t even know who I have become. Is there anyway back from this?

    #54975
    Matt
    Participant

    Lainey,

    I’m sorry for your suffering, dear sister, and can understand how difficult it is to move beyond old habits. We grab on to them, look through it like buried treasure, hoping that we find something that sets us free. The problem is all the guilt, because as you try to look at what you’ve done, instead of accepting, finding the needs that drove the behavior, and growing more skillful, it becomes a Lainey Bash-fest. There is no need for your esteem be in the toilet, dear friend, and there is always a path toward joy. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

    Consider that good people do dumb things, and we sometimes find nourishment in unskillful places. These actions or habits are driven by common needs, and push us to do all sorts of things. They happen, they suck, but we get through it. The good news is it hurts, which means you have a great heart.

    Letting go of the guilt is about the authenticity of the repentance, or the honest hope you carry to grow away from adultry, and become faithful. Said differently, your heart is true, and loving to your husband… it made its choice, and you love him! When you were away, your light dimmed as you became stressed, far from home and tons of unknown, hard work, isolation… whew! Then along comes some comfort, a glass of water in a desert. It happens, sister, let it go.

    Because when you can, and just learn from your mistakes, then you can be free from them. The pain of guilt turns into wisdom, and we learn. Don’t betray, seems simple. But what about that need? The thirst? It was there before, and it pushes pretty hard.

    That is about self nurturing, keeping your needs met. You’re so critical with yourself! Be kind, gentle, tender with yourself. Even goddesses get lost in mazes, dear sister, and your heart is true. That’s why it hurts, because your love is so strong. But you have to be kind to you, gentle. Give yourself some space, both in body, such as baths, soft music, meditation, yoga… But also in heart, forgiving yourself for slipping on banana peels or not being able to be perfect all the time. Not knowing everything. This world is confusing, and our bodies can be the most.

    Consider a different picture. When you are away from your husband, and feel lonely… such as a hard day, long hours, and you miss him, miss home, comfort, family. Those moments dim our light, cause our body to be become weary in many ways. Physically, mentally, and especially emotionally. When we self nurture, we refuel that light, bolster our strength. When we’re home, we often get a lot of comfort from our partners. They are attentive, kind, and help us settle, feel warm, glow again.

    But when we’re away, if we don’t know how to self nurture, we become lost, dizzy. Things all around us start to sparkle, like Dorothy in Oz. When we take some time to rest, hop in the tub, unwind alone, we can tap those ruby slippers together and bring home with us. Our heart opens, and our family joins us in spirit. We remember their arms around us, touching our hair, and the body rekindles, glows brighter.

    Then, the thirst doesn’t happen, or as strongly. Said differently, when we become stressed, if we self nurture (or with our loved ones) and just abide the distance as best we can, then there’s no allure to find comfort elsewhere.

    That’s why forgiveness is so important, because before we know how to self nurture, and become patient as we wait for our love to rejoin us… we often get lost in the sparklies. Ten to one he was watching porn while you were away, for instance, and voyerism is participation, know what I mean?

    So, we shrug and do the best that we can. Consider, set aside the guilt for now, trust me, take a leap, and just resolve to try the self nurturing thing. My favorite is metta meditation. Metta is the warmth of loving friendship in our chest, and helps our mind become peaceful, smooth, and happy. The body warms, relaxes, unwinds, and we become more giving to ourselves and others. Consider “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” on YouTube, if interested.

    Finally, (whew, long one, sorry!) consider that you dishonor yourself with all that self loathing. You’re a cosmic princess, a hero of heart… that has had some lessons to learn. We all go through our own moons, dear friend, and there is no shame in it. We flub up, learn, grow, and find our freedom, our wisdom. So have faith in yourself, sheesh! Consider, you’re writing your own story, so make it a good one!

    Namaste, dear sister, may your wounds close and path come alight.

    With warmth,
    Matt

Viewing 2 posts - 1 through 2 (of 2 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.